Please help me.. I couldn't believe it when my 31/2 y old daughter told me that her day care provider hits her on her thighs and butt. The girl was playing and then I heard her saying that "xx hits me because I was naughty today""!!! I tried to ask the girl more questions and she again told me that xx hits her when she playing in the bathroom soap, I was really shocked when I heard that, I was trusting this lady!! I don't know what to do.. help me please please..My kids spend almost 10h daily at this lady home center and I am afraid..

Reply

I'm sorry, but this doesn't make a lot of sense. In what context did she make such a claim? Was she playing alone? With someone else? And with what? Was it just a random statement?

And how do you know she hits her on the butt and thighs? Did she say that? Does she have any visible marks?



(On a side note I thought you were going on vacation for a month and were hoping to work out paying quite a bit in order to keep your current provider because she was so wonderful? What ever happened with that?)

Reply

While you should be concerned...please tread carefully with this.

If this is true...the provider is horrible and you need to get your daughter out of there.

But......have you thought that there could be a possibility that your daughter is not telling the truth? Maybe the provider scolded her sternly for playing in the soap for the tenth time and so your daughter is getting back at her? Believe me ...it happens. Children get mad when scolded. They "tattle" and sometimes the "tattle" is not true.

Every parent wants to believe their child and children deserve to have parents who look after their best interests. But what comes out of a three year old's brain and mouth is not always 100% true.

You are in a difficult situation. You do not want to lead your daughter into an accusation. But you should not discard your concerns either.

I would tell the provider that your daughter mentioned she got into trouble for playing with the soap. Ask her what the consequence was for that. Use your "Spidey senses" to watch her reactions and listen to the reply. If the provider is defensive or wants to shrug it off....be wary. If she seems very up front about being annoyed, giving a time -out etc....maybe she deserves the benefit of the doubt. Has she ever given you reason to be suspicious before?

From a parent's standpoint.....your daughter needs your support. But it's a provider's nightmare to get a child that figures out that every time she complains to Mom, her Mom believes her and her provider is accused of something. Children do not always do this maliciously. It just serves their purpose. Three year old's have manipulation down to art form because they are learning how to interact with people. They pay attention to reaction and learn how to use it.

I don't mean to make three year old's sound like sociopaths! But they are learning the art of communication. How to word things to get the reaction they want. It's a skill we all use every day in some way. A smile, a comment, a gesture....

I really, really hope that your daughter was not spanked. Your provider should be in big trouble if this in the case.

I am hoping she is just embellishing her punishment for doing something wrong in the hopes of distracting you from being upset with her behavior.

Let us know what you find out!

Reply

My mind is now going off in a totally different direction.......hhmmmmm.....better not put my foot in mouth.........thanks for the extra info, Willow

Reply

I agree with Meeko..

years ago I had a DCG around 3.5 tell her parents that I spanked her... the DCM called me to ask what was going on. I assured her that I did not do such a thing and that I understood that she had every right to ever be concerned. DCM says ok and we end out talk.

so the next day at drop off DCD drops off and I get down on my knee and said sally, did you tell mommy and daddy that I spanked you the other day? She would not look up. So I ask her again. she finally looks up and says yes. I said did that happen? She would not answer me. DCD looked pretty surprised I was putting DCG on blast. I asked DCG again, do I ever spank you? She finally said no, but you don't let me use the markers anymore and I want them.

I look up at dcd and said I hope that helped. Dropped from that day on..

If I were you, I would ask your child in front of the DCP.

Reply

I had this same thing happen to me last month...but as a provider. A parent called me after pick-up stating that their 3.5 year old daughter told them I spanked her for coloring outside the lines. Luckily I have know the DCD since he was 15 and he knew that was not something I would do. He called just to inform me she has started telling these types of fibs. 3 year olds have very active imaginations and I hope that is what is going on here.

I would talk to the provider, face to face, about it and judge her reaction. But remember that children that age do have an active imagination and I hope that is what is going on.

Reply

I would definately have a conversation with the provider AND your child at the same time.

I have a story as well. About 9 years ago one of my dcb's was about 4 at the time. We were outside playing and his one cheek was all red. I said to him, Johnny, what's wrong with your cheek it's all red. He said, you hit me! My mouth dropped to the floor. I, of course, did not hit him, but see how easily something like that comes out of their mouth? I had a conversation immediately when mom picked up. I have no idea how he got that. I have, nor ever would, touch a child like that.

Reply

As a daycare provider I would not have any interest in keeping a child in my care that was starting unfounded rumours and as a parent I would automatically believe my child and move to a different place because I couldn't live with myself if I doubted my child and they were being abused.

Reply

I had a 3 year old a couple months ago tell his parents I was putting him in the crib during quiet time, and would not come and get him to use the potty........and thats why he was having accidents.
I did not even have a crib, and he hadn't taken naps in months. His mom luckily didn't believe him, said he had been making alot of stuff up, even told his grandma that his mom wasn't feeding him lunch, but it scared me really bad, that this 3 year old could come up with a story like that! I just agree with others tread gently, but if this is true....she needs to loose her license.

Reply

I have a 4.5 year old telling tales both here and at home...it happens to be a normal developmental stage...and it has caused many a parent and many a provider quite a bit of heartache!!

This particular boy told his parents that I thought his nose was food so I bit it...then later that week told me that his parents lock him in the basement at home with the cats (I know the family; this is not true!), and for a long time has told his parents that I don't ever feed him (on days when he didn't like what I served or wouldn't let him gorge himself on fruit).

The key seems to be good and open lines of communication between parents and providers. The best thing to do right now is to call and ASK your provider about this.

Reply

The thing is that if a provider is smacking kids it is unlikely she/he will reply honestly when asked. I think that there are some types of stories that are safe to question and others that I wouldn't risk.

I've had kids tell their parents that we eat pizza every day when asked what they had for lunch. That isn't a big deal.

I have never had a kid say I hurt them (and I have been at this for 21 years).

Reply

I do agree that this is a definate reason to be concerned, but before you jump to any conclusions about your provider you need to speak with the her personally about it, in person and now. Only once you've spoken to her will you start to get a better grasp of what is/isn't happening.

Reply

I agree. I also don't think I would ever question a child about something like that in front of the parent either.

Even when you are down on their level eye to eye, a child is going to feel intimidated and IF a child care provider actually did spank them, having that person sternly questioning you face to face would more than likely have the child feel as though they HAD to agree with the provider and say no, they weren't spanked....even if they were.....kiwm?

I have never had a child tell their parent I hurt them in any way, but I have had plenty of kids tell their parents that we had mac 'n cheese EVERY.SINGLE.DAY for lunch before. (Yuck!) but nothing more serious than that.

I too am curious about the context of this conversation between OP and her DD.

Reply

Very true. I would lean towards believing my child, but like I said earlier I have had a dcb say that I hit him on his cheek (face) and that never ever happened. So, I am saying that it is possible that either scenario happened. Best way to handle it is to talk to the provider. I think if you know your provider well enough, you should be able to notice any nervousness if she's lying.

Reply

Yes. Not only would I speak with my provider but I would pay super close attention to my child's behavior at drop off and pick up.

I would also really listen to my gut instincts.

Most times there are other "signs" or clues when something like this is happening.

You just have to put the pieces together and/or listen carefully.

If for ANY reason you feel something isn't quite right..... change providers.

As a provider, I wouldn't want to continue doing business with someone who didn't 100% trust me and as a parent I wouldn't want someone watching my child that I didn't 100% trust.

Reply

My daughter goes to this day care provider with her brother
, and they have been there for 2 month now. What happened is that yesterday both were playing and repeating words and sentences their provider said to them ( notice that English is not our first language and kids are speaking mainly our language, but they understand some English which I think is good for now)
Back to my kids who were imitating their day care provider, then I heard my daughter hitting her thighs and butt( acting as if she is the day care provider), and when I asked her why you do that honey, she said that mrs xx spanked me and hit my thighs because I was playing in the soap! I was shocked because I really like the lady and think she is a kind person. I really wish that that is not true and the lady didn't hit her..and when I asked my son did Mrs xx hit yo, he said no, then asked him again who did Mrs xx hit? He said his sister's name.
I don't know what to do? How can I know if that happened or not? I don't want to speak to the lady directly.. Today morning I just asked her how r the kids doing, and she is said they are good, then asked her are yo happy with them, then she laughed and said yes.

Reply

I think a conversation needs to be had between you and the provider.

I had a child (4.5) tell his dad I hit him once. Obviously I did not hit him (or any child for that matter). He had had a REALLY bad day here and he was really upset and angry with how I dealt with it. I had him shadow me for the afternoon. If I was reading, he was next to me, if I was changing a diaper, he was sitting at my feet, when I was prepping lunch, he was in the kitchen with me. He was SOOOO angry at me, but he was a hitting/pushing/punching machine that day and there was nothing else I could do.

I got a phonecall from the parents that evening and I explained his day, that he was mad at me when he left. I told them I understood 100% if they wanted to go elsewhere but thanked them for their open communication. They are still with me to this day.

I encourage parents to ask me ANYTHING. I want to talk about any issues. Unspoken issues are festering wounds -- hiding them only makes it worse.

This same child also told me a family member was very ill and dying. I asked the mom out of concern and it turns out that no one is ill or dying. Another child told me that her dad makes her sleep in the yard when she is bad. Another said her grandma kicks her.

At this age it is very common to lie, BUT do not sweep your child's words under the rug. Ask the provider and go from there.

I hope that you find the answers you are looking for. Please let us know how it goes.

Reply

Your kids are there now? You really need to speak with your provider about this now, don't wait. I know it's uncomfortable, but your childrens safety has to come first before all else - you are in no way to blame here and have EVERY right to question your provider. I'm not sure what is happening, but it sure seems like your children are providing you with some warning signals that need to be addressed immediately. How old is your son?

Reply

Well, you took both kids there today, so I guess that you believe your daughter is lying.

I really think you need to talk to the provider TODAY. And you probably shouldn't have dropped the kids there if you aren't sure of what happened.

Reply

This story when you explain it this way would concern me alot. Just because your son didn't see it, doesn't mean it didn't happen. How old is your son?

Reply

Her twin. The idea is we are going for a long vacation and she asked
Me to pay to reserve their spots, and I should pay her for the vacation by the end of this week.. I don't know what to do? I am afraid if I spoke to her know about what my daughter told me, she may think that I don't want to pay for the vacation.

Reply

No, it is complicated for me.. I am not sure if my daughter is laying, and also I am not sure if she saying the truth.

Reply

Is this provider an older one perhaps?

My guess is she probably DID swat her on the tush if she was messing around in the bathroom.

NOT saying it was right, ok or that ALL older providers swat kids....just saying that the older generations view a swat on the tush MUCH differently than the younger generation of parents.

I would talk with the provider and have a heart to heart with her. ONLY you can make the decision of whether or not it did or didn't happen and whether or not you are comfortable allowing her to continue caring for your children.

I am not saying this is or isn't a big deal but I am saying this needs to be a discussion between you and your provider.

Reply

Who cares if she is worried about getting paid??? You need to speak with her now. I realize you aren't sure if your daughter is making it up or telling the truth, but you need to find out...ask your provider about it!

Reply

I think she is around 50y.. But I feel she started to be unhappy with us because we are late in picking the kids up, and she said that to me.

Reply

Picking up late is NOT a reason to take any frustration or anger about it out on your children.

I also think you are probaby right about the vacation pay and what connection she will make about you wanting to discuss the hitting.

Ok, here is what I see

You ARE concerned about the hitting. Bring it up to her. Talk with her. Let her know what your child said and give her an opportunity to give her reaction/side of the story.

You will know by her body language, her demeanor and her attitude if she is lying or not. Even if she isn't lying about it, if she cops an attitude or gets mean about it, I would pull my children out of her care IMMEDIATELY.

If she is open to reassuring you that she does not hit kids, then YOU have to decide if you trust her answer or not and whether it is or isn't turthful.

I would ask to discuss it though NO MATTER what. Despite the other issues about late pick ups and vacation pay.

I think that if you 100% feel that she is being untruthful or gets nasty about you questioning her, I would pull my kids and report her.

If you talk with her and feel you are ok to continue care, I would take the time to discuss with her ways you can fix the late pick up issues as well as addressing whether or not you are going to be paying the fees while you are on vacation. (which I think you are obligated to do iff it is in the contract you signed)

Vacation fees and late pick ups become a moot point if this discussion about hitting goes negatively.

You can't really make any decisions until you talk with her about this.

I wouldn't do it over the phone but would call her and ask about a good time to come talk with her uninterrupted by other parents/kids and in private. Don't tell her why over the phone...just that you need to talk with her about something privately.

Anything that gets said here on this board is nothing but advice, concern and idle chit chat until you talk with the provider.

Please call her and arrange a time to talk so this can be figured out for everyone's sake.

Hang in there and good luck!

Reply

Ladies! Help me in making a good English conversation with her..( English is not my first language, and I want to use good and to the point words)
That's what I would say: hello Mrs xx , how are kids doing ? Was ( daughter's name) messy yesterday in the bathroom and she played with the soap? She said that you was angry with her because she was naughty..

Is it a good conversation? Does it transmit the meaning in a good way?

Reply

I think that sounds good but I would almost consider being a bit more vague and let the child care provider fill in the details.

Maybe say something like "Hello Mrs XX. (Daughter's name) said there was an incident in the bathroom yesterday. Something about playing with the handsoap. Could you tell me what happened?"

I think it is always best to let the person you are questioning fill in the details so that you can hear the facts honestly without any type of leading from you.

Hoping that makes sense.

Reply

That's sounds great! Thank you so much! I will definitely do and will post what will happen.

Reply

I would ask a few more non leading questions before I asked the provider. In my own defense, I have never met anyone who just smack a kid....but, I know there are people who do...so, I tend to think about everybody from my own experience and perspective.

I had a kid tell me "My Mom hit me with Daddy's guitar because I was bad".

But, the story was "I was cleaning the house, the kids were making a mess, I was screaming at them, and She got up to help just as I was carrying the guitar from the couch, and I smashed her in the head with it."

Obviously, I didn't initially believe her story, because how many adults run around swinging guitars at their children? I figured there was more to it.

I also had a four year old tell her mom "Miss C grabs me when I don't take a nap". But, the REAL story was I say "If I want you to get up from nap, stay on your bed, I will GRAB you and set you on the other side" So, the story is true, I want to grab them myself, rather than let them walk across everybody who is sleeping, that way, the rest will nap longer.

Reply

I like all of the advice given. If this were me, this is what I would do.

DCP yesterday my daughter was pretending to be like you and was spanking herself on the butt and thighs. Is this a game you play or why are both of the kids doing this??

Reply

Well... I hope this does not sound to bad or gets misinterpreted. S sometimes I catch myself doing something that makes me think that if kids tell their parents they will think I am hitting them, but I am not. Usually when they go potty and I've helped them pull up pants or I am talking to them closely and I tell them to leave my side or go on and play I pad t them on their behinds, is not hitting or spanking because is not hard, is like the baseball players do? IDK how to explain it but is not in any way hurting them, that is a bad habit and I don't realize I am doing it after I do it and then I think I will eventually get in to trouble for it. IDK what happen with this little girl but my point is that I would not go blind thinking that my child is being abused until I talk to provider and figure out what is going on.

Reply

I understand what you are saying. I have this little guy in my care that you can't help but want to cuddle with - he just has that roly poly kind of shape now. When I finish changing his diaper I put him down and "pat" his bottom and say "go go go to the sink!" Mom knows this because she does it too One day his older brother saw me and said "you hit brother?" I explained I was not hitting but giving nice pats and showed him on his arm. I also told him "I used to do it when you were little too!" But I told mom at pick up so we were all on the same page as to what happened.

That said, I did work at a dc in college where an older employee was swatting the kids. When I said something to the supervisor I was told that there was no way it had happened because everyone LOVED Ms. Sue and she would NEVER. Years later Ms. Sue was arrested for "popping" a kid Point is I would be asking the provider to tell me what happened. And then go with my gut.

Reply

Feel stupid but what is "poppin" a child?

Reply

lol I want to know too???

Reply

I think it's the same as smacking, or bopping.

Reply

OMG thank you for clearing that up. I looked up the sentence she used and it said to shot somone with a gun........................oh dear do I need to learn more slang.....

Reply

Sorry, "popping" is slang for hitting. We actually had to sit through a class where the instructor (also a Licensor) went through all the slang- hit, pop, smack, bop, swat, spank, etc etc. etc. for spanking because she had gone on visits where the providers would "swat" a kid and be shocked, SHOCKED that it wasn't allowed - in their mind it wasn't hitting/spanking so it was okay

I actually gained two kids this year because their old provider would do similar things. Once when the older boy bit another child, she had the child bite him back to show him that it hurt. Another time the one child stepped on another kid and she stepped on his hand to show him why not to do that... Not to scare the OP, but it is something I would be checking into ASAP.

Reply

in all of my years of working with kids both teaching and coaching I have been taught the grandma method.... YOu only touch a child like you would touch your grandmother...kids over 3.5 don't get picked up here..


I was also taught that we only touch them lightly on their should when we did to get their attention or to guide them....

I would be clearing this up right this second. I don't mean to sound mean but what are you thinking?

NOOOOO way in this world would I be able to leave my kids with anyone when my kids just said that someone there hit them... I would just die......

Reply

I was today with my husband at the daycare for picking up, then husband asked Mrs xx about kids and how are they doing with her?and asked about what happened in bathroom yesterday.. At first she didn't remember, so I said ( daughter's name) was messy yesterday in bathroom? Then Mrs xx said yeah she was playing with soap and throw it in the trash, she took a PAT yesterday.

I felt the lady honest and saying the truth, she didn't appear confused or trying to cover what happened.

So now what do you think ladies?

Reply

Ha! She took a PAT? Ummmm......no. Apparently, since she said it like that, she thinks it is okay to PAT your child on the bottom. I would have been PISSED to say the least and would have immediatley pulled my child from care, without payment and tell her to take me to court. I would then be calling licensing and reporting it.

If it were me, she may also have recieved a pat of her own and would have been picking herself up off of the floor.

Your daughter is clearly upset over this, so I assure it was more than a PAT.

Reply

this.....exactly what crystal said.


I would NEVER send my kid back there every again.....it is not legal in my state to ever hit a kid nor would I ever want to. I do know that in some states it's legal. Did your provider tell you that this was her form of discipline?

Ugh.....I am so sorry for you and your family...PLEASE listen to what crystal said and report her and pull your kids now. I am sure there are other great providers in your area that woule NEVER lay a hand on your kid. poor baby....

Reply

What?!?! Are you kidding???? I'd be furious! When I first read this thread earlier, I thought as many did that maybe it wasn't really true. This is horrible. No one ever has the right to lay a hand on a child. I would let her know your children will not be back and report her to licensing ASAP!

Reply

didn't the provider realize that she was in the bathroom too long. At 3 I would really keep an eye on them. Why didn't she just send her to the corner. I wouldn't take her back.

Reply

It sounds like this is a case where she believes that a "pat" is okay because it's not *really* hitting. (and I want to point out this is NOT what I do!!) Personally that would be it for my kids in that care.

Reply

LOL Crystal...you go girl!

Seriously......any provider who thinks that "patting" (yeah..right) is OK needs to lose her license. There are a thousand ways for her to have dealt with the situation without hitting the child.

Reply

I agree with everyone else....pull your children and report her immediately. There is NO circumstance where any type of physical punishment is acceptable in child care!!!!! OMG I would be LIVID if anyone "patted" my child for any reason! The police would wind up being called on me....lol

Reply

This! I mean really, your daughter is THREE...she should ALWAYS be supervised in the bathroom, so where was the provider!?

And yes, a time out would have been much more appropriate. I mean, I know some parents "pat" their own children when something dangerous is happening, they go to touch a stove etc., but this is not her child and she must have a hands off rule 100% of the time...no exceptions.

Reply

Do not take your kids back and please report her.

Reply

For all of you who pat the kids on the bottom, of this were the case in the day care my child goes to i would be patting your face off a brick wall repeatedly. Just for you who are providers should no better because i am not the only father who thinks this way.

Reply

I've re-read this thread. I didn't see any child care provider say they think a "pat" (or any other euphemism for hitting)is okay.
Most said they would pull their child and report it at minimum. Keep in mind that most of us are also parents, too and our kids go to schools, camps, etc. and are also with adults other than us. So we "get" it.

I guess I'm not sure why you feel the need to threaten physical harm to people who agree with you? I hope that's not how you handle yourself in "real" life.

Reply

Looks like the pot stirrers are hot and heavy this morning!

Reply

And they don't do grammar checks! Grrrrrrrr. That's worse for me than the actual trolling. If you're gonna troll, at least make it readable.

Reply

I chuckled at this thread coming up-last night, a 3.5 yo from my daycare told his mom that another kid's mom spanks him all the time. It's certainly not true, and the other kid's mom nearly never even SEES this kid because their hours are different. While I WOULD take it seriously and want to investigate, I also have enough experience with the under-5 set to know that MUCH of what they say is fantasy.

Reply

*yawns* Done now?

---

Meanwhile, I just read this whole thing and want an update on if OP reported and what happened afterward. But alas, it's from 2013.

Reply

I'm sorry but I don't know any 3 year olds that knows what a thigh is. I think they would just say leg....

Reply

Like a pop on the butt. Not a pat, not a hit, a pop

Reply

My son says knows and uses knuckle, wrist, thigh, ankle, shoulder, etc. Not just arm, leg, tummy.

Reply