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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>I'm Telling Mommy!
Play Care 03:23 AM 04-18-2013
I have two brothers in my care, the oldest one just turned 4 and is *very* strong willed. The younger is almost 3 but usually behaves like a child almost a year younger (he does have some speech delays but I wonder how much he actually understands) In any event when the older boy doesn't get his way, has to be spoken to, or another child "looks" at him funny 
and I don't discipline that other child, he's beside himself with big crocodile tears and then it starts "I'm telling mommy!" "I'm telling Daddy!" "I don't like it here!" "I want to stay home!" To some degree I do think this is normal 4 yo "I didn't get my way" behavior, but it's exhausting and quite frankly, RUDE. Now his brother is starting to follow suit.
I've had some advice to treat it in a silly way - pretend to cry and behave as my feelings were hurt (when he says he doesn't want to come here) but that just doesn't feel right knowing this kid.
When he pulls the "I'm telling mommy" business I will say "let's call her, and you can tell her how you won't share/hit your brother" etc. At which point he switches to telling Daddy and after I say the same thing he does stop - for that moment. I tried a reward chart with the older boy, and while it helped for a bit, after a while it created more issues. The younger brother does NOT understand the concept at all and would freak over the stickers.
The family is great, and really both boys can be wonderful - but they just really sap my energy with their drama (both very active and need constant direction, whiny, etc.) I've got one year left after this with the older one and two years with the younger. Mom also mentioned trying for a third and sending them here if I have a space
So I would like some other ideas or maybe a better coping mechanism for me!
and I don't discipline that other child, he's beside himself with big crocodile tears and then it starts "I'm telling mommy!" "I'm telling Daddy!" "I don't like it here!" "I want to stay home!" To some degree I do think this is normal 4 yo "I didn't get my way" behavior, but it's exhausting and quite frankly, RUDE. Now his brother is starting to follow suit. I've had some advice to treat it in a silly way - pretend to cry and behave as my feelings were hurt (when he says he doesn't want to come here) but that just doesn't feel right knowing this kid.
When he pulls the "I'm telling mommy" business I will say "let's call her, and you can tell her how you won't share/hit your brother" etc. At which point he switches to telling Daddy
and after I say the same thing he does stop - for that moment. I tried a reward chart with the older boy, and while it helped for a bit, after a while it created more issues. The younger brother does NOT understand the concept at all and would freak over the stickers. The family is great, and really both boys can be wonderful - but they just really sap my energy with their drama (both very active and need constant direction, whiny, etc.) I've got one year left after this with the older one and two years with the younger. Mom also mentioned trying for a third and sending them here if I have a space
So I would like some other ideas or maybe a better coping mechanism for me!
Willow 04:56 AM 04-18-2013
I would worry that playing into either with silly or fake emotions or reward charts would just encourage the behavior.
If I had a kid like that I'd likely tell him "ok, sounds good!" and then ignore any subsequent drama. I'd email or speak to mom or dad privately and let them know it's become and issue, that it's usually in regards to something he did first and remind them that it's not a good coping skill. I never like to stifle communication with kids and adults but when the tattling is paired with threats on you I'd require that be stopped.
I'd likely be blunt and remind them that business won't fly in school and will in fact hinder any relationships he establishes with friends. Have them help you squash it by giving it as little feedback as possible while encouraging the heck out of more appropriate conversations he sparks up.
If I had a kid like that I'd likely tell him "ok, sounds good!" and then ignore any subsequent drama. I'd email or speak to mom or dad privately and let them know it's become and issue, that it's usually in regards to something he did first and remind them that it's not a good coping skill. I never like to stifle communication with kids and adults but when the tattling is paired with threats on you I'd require that be stopped.
I'd likely be blunt and remind them that business won't fly in school and will in fact hinder any relationships he establishes with friends. Have them help you squash it by giving it as little feedback as possible while encouraging the heck out of more appropriate conversations he sparks up.
Cradle2crayons 06:17 AM 04-18-2013
I would also explain to parents to take anything the child tells them with a grain of salt. The way kids interpret and then explain to parents is sometimes not a good thing. Matter of fact, our local school explains all that on orientation every year. When my daughter comes home and says the teacher did or said so and so, it wasn't necessarily reacted upon.
That being said, it definitely seems that the tattling could be a result of parents quizzing their child about daycare and then being overly sympathetic to their belief of themselves being wronged. For example, Johnny says "miss Lynn wouldn't let me have an extra piece of candy today" and mom says " oh gosh, that is totally not fair at all, I'm going to have a talk with her about this. I'm so so sorry you didn't get your candy and next time this happens, you should tell mama" or it could be any variation of that. Johnny may not have gotten said thing because he was in time out etc during that candy or something totally fair but mom doesn't care about that and overly reacts to Johnny about it.
That being said, it definitely seems that the tattling could be a result of parents quizzing their child about daycare and then being overly sympathetic to their belief of themselves being wronged. For example, Johnny says "miss Lynn wouldn't let me have an extra piece of candy today" and mom says " oh gosh, that is totally not fair at all, I'm going to have a talk with her about this. I'm so so sorry you didn't get your candy and next time this happens, you should tell mama" or it could be any variation of that. Johnny may not have gotten said thing because he was in time out etc during that candy or something totally fair but mom doesn't care about that and overly reacts to Johnny about it.
mnemom 06:23 AM 04-18-2013
My response would be, you can tell her when she get here. Most of the time the kids forget by the time the parents come, and if they do remember I "remind" the child what the whole story is. This helps parents to see that the children aren't telling the entire story. Also I have told parents that I won't believe everything their kids say happens at home, if they give me the same benefit of the doubt. 
I also add that if they are ever concerned about something their child has told them please feel free to email me or talk to be about it.
I also add that if they are ever concerned about something their child has told them please feel free to email me or talk to be about it.
racemom 06:23 AM 04-18-2013
We have a crying area in our daycare. when they are upset and cannot calm down we send them to this area until they are done crying and ready to join the group again. it is in a quiet area where all the kids know we need to leave them alone until they are ready. that way they are not receiving extra attention for this behavior and they learn there is no reward for crying, threatening to tell mom/dad etc.
Play Care 07:23 AM 04-18-2013
Originally Posted by racemom:
We have a crying area in our daycare. when they are upset and cannot calm down we send them to this area until they are done crying and ready to join the group again. it is in a quiet area where all the kids know we need to leave them alone until they are ready. that way they are not receiving extra attention for this behavior and they learn there is no reward for crying, threatening to tell mom/dad etc.
I do have a crying spot as well, and they are in there quite a bitWe have a crying area in our daycare. when they are upset and cannot calm down we send them to this area until they are done crying and ready to join the group again. it is in a quiet area where all the kids know we need to leave them alone until they are ready. that way they are not receiving extra attention for this behavior and they learn there is no reward for crying, threatening to tell mom/dad etc.
But I hesitate to send them there for saying they are telling, as it feels like I would be turning a spot that is not supposed to be punitive in to a time out spot, you know?
Hunni Bee 10:36 AM 04-18-2013
When confronted with "Im telling Mommy" I always countered with "That's okay, I'll tell her (write her a note, send her a text, etc)". And walk away.
EntropyControlSpecialist 10:42 AM 04-18-2013
I had one child who tried this. I looked him in the eyes and said, "At school, Ms. ___ is the boss, not your mommy. Your mommy makes the rules at YOUR house, and Ms. ____ makes the rules at school."
Never heard another peep.
Never heard another peep.
Play Care 10:58 AM 04-18-2013
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist:
I had one child who tried this. I looked him in the eyes and said, "At school, Ms. ___ is the boss, not your mommy. Your mommy makes the rules at YOUR house, and Ms. ____ makes the rules at school."
Never heard another peep.
I like that! I may try it. I've done the "I'll call mommy now" bit and it hasn't ended the behavior.I had one child who tried this. I looked him in the eyes and said, "At school, Ms. ___ is the boss, not your mommy. Your mommy makes the rules at YOUR house, and Ms. ____ makes the rules at school."
Never heard another peep.
EntropyControlSpecialist 11:10 AM 04-18-2013
You just have to think about WHY the child is doing it. Clearly, he thinks Mommy will come to daycare and make the rules above you/punish you. Time to realize who the boss really is.
Laurel 11:22 AM 04-18-2013
Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist:
I had one child who tried this. I looked him in the eyes and said, "At school, Ms. ___ is the boss, not your mommy. Your mommy makes the rules at YOUR house, and Ms. ____ makes the rules at school."
Never heard another peep.
I've done the same thing with the same results.I had one child who tried this. I looked him in the eyes and said, "At school, Ms. ___ is the boss, not your mommy. Your mommy makes the rules at YOUR house, and Ms. ____ makes the rules at school."
Never heard another peep.
Laurel
Starburst 11:22 AM 04-18-2013
Maybe you could get one of those lecture voice recorders (can record up to 8 hours), you can wear an apron or put it in your pockets and make sure to have it on when those kids are around and during nap time if there were any major issues just rewind to that time and play it for the parent when they get back and maybe have them sign a release form that they heard and understood the content that the child was intestinally going to lie to them about something that happened in daycare.
You may not even need it for this family if its a good family but it could be something to think about in the future as a way of protecting yourself from legal issues due to accusations.
For the record you may want to let DCFs know ahead of time that you will be recording the child's voice or have them sign a release form that they are allowing you permission to record their children (both visually or verbally) for any reason you see appropriate (as long as you don't share it with strangers of course).
You may not even need it for this family if its a good family but it could be something to think about in the future as a way of protecting yourself from legal issues due to accusations.
For the record you may want to let DCFs know ahead of time that you will be recording the child's voice or have them sign a release form that they are allowing you permission to record their children (both visually or verbally) for any reason you see appropriate (as long as you don't share it with strangers of course).
Bookworm 07:50 PM 04-19-2013
When this happened to me, I pulled out my cell and said let's call her so you can tell her. I never had it happen again.