she is not new to my dc, dcb has been here 2 of his 2 1/2 years. Recently they have had a LOT of changes, dcb used to be per diem/1-2x per week as space would allow and is now FT. That started in early December, then they were off for Christmas break and dcb came today because dcm wanted to get some things done around the house.

Dcb was upset at drop off. Dcm stayed (made it worse) and he screamed bloody murder for a good 30 minutes. NEVER a tear though, so he was just throwing a temper tantrum, (imho) and dcm insisted he was upset about coming here. I told her that she either had to leave so dcb would stop crying or take him with her. It was THAT bad, he was kicking me/her and generally being a stinker. I told her to stand outside the door and wait for him to stop crying, she did, it took 30 seconds!!!

At lunch I get an email notification from her with this big long email stating that she is SO WORRIED about dcb being upset at drop offs. This is the first time he has outright cried at drop off since he was around a year old. I just told her this is something that ALL children go through, and that we can lessen it by keeping goodbyes short and reassuring dcb she will be back. (even a dcb I have had forever who NEVER gets upset at drop off cried after coming back from Christmas vacation).

Then she popped in right after lunch. Dcb thought she was picking up. NOT. She just wanted to 'check in'. Dcb did the same thing when she left, only this time I told her after 5 minutes to PLEASE either take him or LEAVE. Dcb stopped the second she closed the door!

Then she showed up early to pick him up/during naptime. I literally said "If you are here to pick him up this time, I will go get him. If you aren't, then you can come back when naptime is over."

This same dcm is a little nutty when it comes to dcb. She overly babies him, he can't dress himself at all (and even refuses to help get dressed, like pull up pants or even push hands through shirts), when we come in from outside all of the kids kick off their boots or will atleast try. Dcb will stand there and whine/grunt until I help him. He is 2 years, 8 months. She told me point blank at pick up today that him crying is 'unacceptable' (in response to it's NORMAL) and that she never wants dcb to cry. Then she asked me when else dcb cries, and I responded truthfully. Sometimes when he isn't first, sometimes when he has to transition from preferred to non-preferred activites, and sometimes before nap. ALL NORMAL. She looked, and I am NOT exaggerating, HORRIFIED and took dcb and left. I sent her an email asking if she wanted to discuss anything we talked about before dcb came Wednesday to please call me between X and X tonight or X & X tomorrow.

just..wow. Any advice or links to give her PROVING this is NORMAL behavior?

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All I found was this:

Toddler Tears and Tantrums – 9 Great Tips For Dealing With Toddler Tantrums

Crying, Age 3 and Younger Causes, Symptoms and Treatment

I'll check to see if this is covered in my college Child Development book and check back in.

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Nothing in my Child Development book but I did find this about high needs children:

High Needs

Some children have less tolerance for physical separation from their parent/caregiver than do other children. Sometimes called "high-needs" children, these children will generally make their needs known loudly and insistently. Typically, it is difficult for high-need children to learn to soothe themselves.

A child's high need is not a "bad" trait. It is simply a part of the individual child's temperament and personality. A persistent temperament helps ensure that a high-need child's needs will be met.

Caring for Children Clairece Feagin

Here are some more articles:

Why Are Toddlers So Moody?

Toddler Development - This is a good one

Kicking, Screaming and Crying...Tantrums

How to Leave Your Toddler at Day Care When He Is Crying

Separation Anxiety

Ask Dr. Sears: Intolerable Toddler Tantrums
**This last one is more about really bad tantrums but mentions that it's a normal part of development and that if it's an obviously manipulative tantrum, not to indulge him.

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Thank you! I don't even find his behavior all that unusual. He was gone for over a week and was exhausted (am cat nap during story time proves that) but dcm brought him bright and early at 7am even though she wasn't working. When he 'cries' he never has tears, he's just mad, and like I said, throwing a temper tantrum. It goes away in under a minute here, but dcm babies him and calls it crying (no tears=no crying, imo!). I have SEEN dcb cry when hurt, and this is NOT a cry.

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mom is making the situation worse. I wouldn't let her stay long anymore. If she is so concerned about his crying then she needs to take him home and keep him home. She is in for such a shock when he starts to get older.

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I think you are wasting your time trying to prove what is and is not age appropriate. WE know that this behavior is normal because we take care of multitudes of kids and take the training necessary to know that. But this is one over protective mom with one child (correct?) and i am assuming she has no education on child development. there is nothing you are going to tell her that will convince her it is okay for her little angel to cry. Her expectations are obscene and she clearly does what it takes at home so that her son is not upset ever. it sounds like she is perfectly happy to blame you for the issues. i would present what info you can but its basically a trust issue. let her know that either she trusts your expertise and capabilities to handle everything or that she gives her notice and moves on to a provider who she does trust. you dont want to continue in the state where mom is unhappy and questioning everything you do.

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I do agree with this. No amount of "proof" will change her mind of she has her mind set that crying in unacceptable. I mean ... no crying .... really?!? In passing I mentioned this to DH and he belted out a fit of laughter.

You can give her information and at the same time explain that crying is a normal part of child development and so is separation distress (anxiety) and if she's not comfortable with her son crying at your daycare then she should think about different child care arrangements such as a nanny or a child care provider with fewer kids.

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Yes, no crying. My dh laughed too. I find it ridiculous that she expects me to maintain that level of care. I couldn't do that with ONE high maintenance child, let alone 8.

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The employees at the day care center want you to stay as much as they want chickenpox.
I almost spit my drink at the computer screen when I read that

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I would not reassure her at all. I would agree with her and put her on the hot seat.

"A 30 minute temper tantrum IS unacceptable, I totally agree DCM. Maybe we can try an experiment and see if you leaving earlier will help him transition easier since the tantrum today stopped the moment he did not have your attention. Let me know if you would like to try it. It hurt my heart to see him in so much pain today for such a prolonged time. He does have trouble with some transitions as mentioned before, but I obviously do not give attention to a fit like that because it fuels his fire. Therefore, his fits do not last long and he is on to the next activity. As a child care professional, I see this often, this behavior is quite normal and not a concern for me. I fail to see why someone who is so against letting him cry would watch him struggle for 30 minutes. Surely you have alternate measures in place. I'd like to hear them. I also don't understand why you would "check in" on your child without taking him with you. This breaks his trust that you are indeed returning for him and will not leave him here, making sure he has a harder day here. Please do not do that again."

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From what you have described the child sounds very text book in his reactions at drop off etc. Is she a first time mom? I have a dc boy (20 months old) who never wants to be dropped off esp when it's mom dropping off. One day she was almost out the door and she came back in and picked him up, he thought she was taking him with her and it made it so much worse. After that I have just tried to get him into an activity or something so she leaves.
Your thinking along the right lines making drop offs short and stuff. That mom has a very unrealistic view of her child's emotional development. Kids have to learn how to cope and process through there emotions.
Deb

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I like this

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I like this, too, and especially the bolded part.

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Maybe dad can drop him off? I have a little girl who cries from the time mom starts down the street toward my house but as soon as the door is closed (literally before mom gets out of walking from my driveway to her car) the little girl has stopped. One week dad dropped her off, not one single tear.

I don't let parents "check in" on their kids..if the show up in the middle of the day they have to be prepared to take their child when they leave. It is too disruptive to the group to have parents in and out. I do however let parents hang out outside the door (away from where kids can see them) whenever they want. But I don't thinks its fair to the kids for mom to come in the middle of the day for 10/15min just to leave again.

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My DS went through stages doing this as well. Never for 30 minutes but, she would tell me if I would leave & walk in the side door I would see that it stops immediately after I leave! I would just say "love you buddy" & leave. Why would she think this is not normal?? All kids cry at times!

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Honesty I don't know how to prove that this is normal. I really liked the suggestion from Julie. I have a DC boy the same age and he reminds me of your daycare boy. His separation anxiety when he was younger was horrid. It was always worse with the dad, but he even had it with me when I left a room. It took to 20 months for things to get better. But for some reason in the last 2 to 3 months he bas started crying at drop off time. Always worse for dad, always stops 20 seconds after door shut, is worse on earlier drop off times, worse when he is trired. But his parents would NEVER EVER do what your DC mom did. They hold him till they are ready to walk out the door and I take him from them. They make it short and sweet if it is a bad morning. Sometimes they will call after they leave to tell me what needed to be communicated for the day if needed. A few times something was left in car and they will set it on steps and call afterwards. DCD goes to work and school. He drives by my house on way to work in afternoon. DCM once told me that once he thought about stopping by to get DC tax savings sheet signed before work. DCM ended up telling him to not even think about stopping in the middle of the day. DCB would be confused about why dad wasn't taking him with and it would cause every one trouble. Bad days are only here and there, but he just doesn't do change well. He had went to 1/2 day mornings for the summer and when he started coming all day again he cried at nap and lunch. He was use to either going till he crashed at home or no nap and being served his favorite meals. It took a week and a half but he got over it. At home crying gets him his way and he will see if it will work here too.

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I love this. I may use it if she continues to press the issue. Today we did bye bye outside, and although the lip came out, he never progressed to actual crying. So we will keep that up.

Dcm is a first time Mom and doesn't seem to understand that dcb is a bit overwhelmed with all the changes (moved, christmas break, mom back to work FT, grandma no longer living at home, all within a 30 day time span). Dcb is also adjusting to being 1 of 6 here instead of the only child with 3 adults around. My house also used to be a fun place to play 1-2x a week and short days at that (9-12 or 9-3) and is now here from 7:30-5:30 4-5 days per week.

When I emailed Mom I told her that she should make sure she spent extra time with dcb, drop and leave/no lingering, and see how it went for 2 weeks she agreed. So far, so good!

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Glad you have found a solution that is working for you so far. When I reread your post I wanted to add something that I didn't before. It is possible that Mom returning to work full time was not her choice. Maybe she didn't want it to work out and was instead focusing her stress and guilt on her son's reaction to the daycare? If his behavior was too extreme or too hard for her to take it might give her an "out", so to speak? I know I would have a hard time switching from my son being with me a majority of the time to having him in full time care. Maybe it is not about you or her son. Maybe it is about her. It is something I would keep an eye out for and be sensitive to, but not at the expense of the type of care you are willing to give. She may have set you an impossible task (not EVER letting him cry) for a reason.

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VERY good point! I cant tell you how many times I have heard of moms (and dads) that set a crazy expectation for the daycare, knowing that that standard can never be reached. It gives parents a spot to place blame when they have to switch daycare, switch hours, or quit their job completely. I have had a few moms (not my daycare parents) that admitted to this very thing.

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I remember when I first went back to work, my daughter was a little over a year old. Our original plan was for me to just work part time in the evenings after my husband got home from work until our daughter was in preschool or kidnergarten. When it wasn't working out financially, I had to start applying for jobs. I applied for a variety, hoping to find something part time and ended up getting offered a great full time position instead. I interviewed on Monday, was offered the job on Wednesday and they wanted me to start the next Monday. A week was not enough time adjust to the idea of leaving my baby with "a stranger" - which was something I'd never envisioned. The first day was probably harder for me than it was for my daughter. Her provider at the time was very low ratio and was kind enough to send me a quick text when she stopped crying (usually by the time I made it out to my car and got settled in) and even exchanged a few text message updates with me during the day for the first week, which helped a LOT.

It may be the mother who's having trouble adjusting to full time/full day care and by saying she doesn't want her son to cry EVER, she means she doesn't want to picture him crying when she can't be there to comfort him. She's probably also thinking of all the daily activities she's missing now, even the mundane ones like lunch and nap time. I was also regretting not making more of the time when I was home and the loss of my rosey picture of my future as a SAHM (taking my preschooler to the park, lunch at Chick-fil-A, Gymboree classes, etc.)

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