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  #1  
Old 04-22-2013, 06:46 AM
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Default Parents Are Angry At Me For A Miscommunication

Last week one of my DCM had a baby, the next day DCD drops off and DCG throws a fit at the front door. Dad brings her up into my living room and shuts the gate and leaves. For the next 45 minutes DCG screams. She calms down and goes to play, then I remind her to use the potty. She pees herself on the way to the potty. I change her clothes and she doesn't like the outfit and this sets off another 30 minutes of screams (full blown screaming, like she's being tortured). During these screams I call and leave a message on DCD work cell phone that she's very distraught, has been screaming for the majority of the last 2 hours and please call me to discuss, but she may need to go home. This was at 10 am. I get no call back, and then DCG is fine and does not have an episode all day. I assume dad didn't check his messages and no harm done. So we have lunch and DCKs go down for nap. 30 minutes after the kids go down, I hear a loud knock on my door. I answer and its DCD, he wants to take her home. He's very short with me and clearly angry.

Then this morning at drop off, I ask if DCG is leaving early like last time, she says no, she only left early because you called and said you couldn't handle her. DCM says DCD was very angry when he got the message and left her at the hospital to come get DCG, and then DCM says she was very angry as well.

I begin to explain that they misunderstood my message, it wasn't that I couldnt handle DCG, I felt bad that she was so distraught, the she MIGHT need to go home, but she ended up being fine. I also explained that my message said please call to discuss. He never did, so he didn't know she ended up being fine. He never would have needed to come get her if he listened to the message and called me like I asked in the message.

So now parents are mad at me for disrupting their happy moment in the hospital together with their new child.

I'm clearly going to need to do damage control. But I don't think this is fair. DCD didn't listen to the message clearly and now they've held this anger for me over the last few days, and still seem angry.

How would you ladies handle this?
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  #2  
Old 04-22-2013, 07:13 AM
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I think you did what you could. You explained the message, and expalined that it was a miscommunication. I would steer clear of telling them he didn't listen clearly to the message. They were probably overwhelmed and tired from the new baby being born, and probably overreacted to the message.

Maybe try one more time "DCM, I am sorry that my message was minsinterpreted. In the future, please return my call so we can discuss what is happening before you leave to come and pick her up."
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Old 04-22-2013, 07:18 AM
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I agree with Bunny.

Don't continue to explain. Just keep repeating that the next time they need to listen more clearly to the message and call first.

...and sorry but I find it funny that they are mad thinking that you ruined their "family moment" when the issue you were having was with one of their family members...

I can see why DCG was so distraught.

Last edited by Michael; 04-23-2013 at 01:54 PM.
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Old 04-22-2013, 07:23 AM
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I agree with Bunny.

Don't continue to explain. Just keep repeating that the next tie they need to listen more clearly to the message and call first.

...and sorry but I find it funny that they are mad thinking that you ruined their "family moment" when the issue you were having was with one of their family members...

I can see why DCG was so distraught.
They didn't say that I ruined their family moment, but its what I interpreted from what was said, DCD was angry he had to leave DCM and new baby at the hospital to pick up their other child because "i couldn't handle her" (DCMs words)
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Old 04-22-2013, 07:27 AM
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you should have said "I'm sorry, but you need to suck it up because you do have another child that is feeling neglected because she feels like you care more about the baby than her" don't explain anymore, clearly by the sounds of it, they couldn't handle her in the morning so they dropped her off quickly and left, so really it had nothing to do with you.
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Old 04-22-2013, 07:35 AM
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They didn't say that I ruined their family moment, but its what I interpreted from what was said, DCD was angry he had to leave DCM and new baby at the hospital to pick up their other child because "i couldn't handle her" (DCMs words)
Oh ok, I'm sorry...I read it wrong.

Still, it was really not cool of the parents to get down on you for this.

Especially because you were putting their child first and were concerned about her being so upset.

I would still continue to reiterate to them that what they thought your message said was not at all what it did say.
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Old 04-22-2013, 07:55 AM
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They clearly are sleep deprived and, and probably having issues with DCG at home and are feeling a little overwhelmed. I would have taken it personally, and been really upset too. I think after they sleep and think about the situation, they'll probably feel bad... (I always give the benefit of doubt though), if they're upset by that - just let 'em be upset. You did the right thing! I agree with BC, just remind them for next time to call you before rushing over.


Poor DCG ... She may need extra cuddles for a little while until the family climbs out of the funk they're in.
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Old 04-22-2013, 08:05 AM
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How old is dcg? If I had a kid screaming like that I would have laid them down and told them they could get up when they calmed down and stopped crying.
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Old 04-22-2013, 08:18 AM
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I would have turned it right around and told them "Absolutely I can't and *WON'T* handle that sort of horrific off the wall behavior. What on earth happened to cause her behave like that???"

(I do not entertain the excuse of a new baby causing that level of ridiculousness, if it does the child is spoiled to the brim and THAT is the problem, not the new arrival).
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Old 04-22-2013, 10:06 AM
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I would not apologize for looking after their child the best way you can! The fact that you called shows you care about their daughters feelings, attitude and her ability to cope due to new situations happening all around her. Some children don't do well with changes like the addition of a new sibling and others are fine. OR perhaps this little one had been past around for a couple of days prior to the new baby's arrival since Mom was in labor and Dad was with her etc. and she was feeling very confused about what was happening. Who knows...but you did nothing wrong!

If my child was out of control crying as she was, I would want to know about. An older sibling is just as important as a new baby and these parents will come to figure that out! If they don't, this poor big sister is going to feel very confused and left out!
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Old 04-22-2013, 10:14 AM
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Honestly, I wouldn't send a child home for crying, unless I felt like the child was sick and really NEEDED to go home.

If they just had a new baby, I'd have stuck it out without any phone calls at all. I think that was a bit stressful for them at that particular moment. The child can survive a bad day here and there without being rescued and taken home.

If a child IS having a bad day, I might call or text the parent and ask them to make a special call to the daycare child just to say "HI!" and usually that makes them feel good.
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Old 04-22-2013, 10:25 AM
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They clearly are sleep deprived and, and probably having issues with DCG at home and are feeling a little overwhelmed. I would have taken it personally, and been really upset too. I think after they sleep and think about the situation, they'll probably feel bad... (I always give the benefit of doubt though), if they're upset by that - just let 'em be upset. You did the right thing! I agree with BC, just remind them for next time to call you before rushing over.


Poor DCG ... She may need extra cuddles for a little while until the family climbs out of the funk they're in.
You would have taken it personally if you were the parent? I'm not sure I understand what you mean?
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Old 04-22-2013, 10:28 AM
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Honestly, I wouldn't send a child home for crying, unless I felt like the child was sick and really NEEDED to go home.

If they just had a new baby, I'd have stuck it out without any phone calls at all. I think that was a bit stressful for them at that particular moment. The child can survive a bad day here and there without being rescued and taken home.

If a child IS having a bad day, I might call or text the parent and ask them to make a special call to the daycare child just to say "HI!" and usually that makes them feel good.
This was not crying this was screaming bloody murder for 45 minutes straight. She was very upset! I didn't call for them to come get her either, I called for them to call me back and discuss how to handle it, and going home might be an option. I'm sorry but I also have other children in my care who were also very upset by the scene that was happening here.
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Old 04-22-2013, 10:40 AM
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This was not crying this was screaming bloody murder for 45 minutes straight. She was very upset! I didn't call for them to come get her either, I called for them to call me back and discuss how to handle it, and going home might be an option. I'm sorry but I also have other children in my care who were also very upset by the scene that was happening here.
I can relate to this. I have one DCG who when seeing someone else crying, begins to cry herself, not a calming cry, but an outright scream! This DCG panics and it's not good.

You are one person caring for many, so with one needing your full attention for 2 hrs isn't fair to the others or to you. You didnt' do anything wrong by making a phone call. It's not as though you called and said come and get your child...now! You wanted to ask them some questions and/or let them know what was happening and get through it. You did what you could, whether or not we would all handle it the same way doesn't matter, it's the fact that you were simply doing your job and now the DCP's are making it stressful on you.
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Old 04-22-2013, 10:53 AM
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I wouldn't call it a miscommunication. You called and asked that they call back. They failed to call back. That was a misunderstanding and a lack of communication on their part. You didn't say "Leave your wife at the hospital and come get your screaming child". You asked them to call to discuss what was happening, and had they done that, you could have told them that she had settled down. It was their choice to come get her without calling as you requested.
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Old 04-22-2013, 11:08 AM
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I also wouldn't have called unless it was an illness or emergency type of situation. That said, you didn't do anything to warrant their behavior especially if they are 'still' mad. Geez parents, get over it already.

That said, I think I would say (if they are still mad tomorrow or at pick up).

"I have been getting the feeling that you are still angry about the other day. You do understand that I was just calling you to talk to you and not to necessarily pick up, don't you? On the phone I said '(then repeat exactly what you said so at least you know they got the correct message)'. I was kind of surprised to see dad had come to pick up. It turns out she calmed down so he wouldn't have had to make the trip."

Then see what they say.

If they seem okay then just make some comment like "Well (smile) I just wanted to make sure we were okay."

If they say something unreasonable then "I'm sorry you didn't like how I handled it. What would you have liked me to do instead?"

That's how I think I would handle it. I would start getting irritated if I had to face their anger every day. I'd have to get the air cleared.

Laurel
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Old 04-22-2013, 11:48 AM
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I also wouldn't have called unless it was an illness or emergency type of situation. That said, you didn't do anything to warrant their behavior especially if they are 'still' mad. Geez parents, get over it already.

That said, I think I would say (if they are still mad tomorrow or at pick up).

"I have been getting the feeling that you are still angry about the other day. You do understand that I was just calling you to talk to you and not to necessarily pick up, don't you? On the phone I said '(then repeat exactly what you said so at least you know they got the correct message)'. I was kind of surprised to see dad had come to pick up. It turns out she calmed down so he wouldn't have had to make the trip."

Then see what they say.

If they seem okay then just make some comment like "Well (smile) I just wanted to make sure we were okay."

If they say something unreasonable then "I'm sorry you didn't like how I handled it. What would you have liked me to do instead?"

That's how I think I would handle it. I would start getting irritated if I had to face their anger every day. I'd have to get the air cleared.

Laurel


Although, I DID call parents one time to get their children (3 boys) who cried here all.day.long. But it had been going on for weeks, I knew I was terming them and the other kids were starting to get very upset and anxious over it.
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Old 04-22-2013, 11:56 AM
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I also wouldn't have called unless it was an illness or emergency type of situation. That said, you didn't do anything to warrant their behavior especially if they are 'still' mad. Geez parents, get over it already.

That said, I think I would say (if they are still mad tomorrow or at pick up).

"I have been getting the feeling that you are still angry about the other day. You do understand that I was just calling you to talk to you and not to necessarily pick up, don't you? On the phone I said '(then repeat exactly what you said so at least you know they got the correct message)'. I was kind of surprised to see dad had come to pick up. It turns out she calmed down so he wouldn't have had to make the trip."

Then see what they say.

If they seem okay then just make some comment like "Well (smile) I just wanted to make sure we were okay."

If they say something unreasonable then "I'm sorry you didn't like how I handled it. What would you have liked me to do instead?"

That's how I think I would handle it. I would start getting irritated if I had to face their anger every day. I'd have to get the air cleared.

Laurel
Thanks for this. I will approach DCM this afternoon if things still seem weird. I don't like feeling like there's loose ends. I want this mother to understand I CAN handle her child, and I want to reassure her that they have no reason to doubt my abilities (which I feel like they do).

And just to clarify, I'm not one who is quick to send kids home. Other than sending sick kids home, I've only sent a child home once and that was for extremely disruptive behavior that lasted for almost 2 hours (caused by DCM at drop off, on purpose or so it seemed).
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Old 04-22-2013, 12:36 PM
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They choose to come get the child. You asked them to call you.
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Old 04-22-2013, 12:44 PM
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Agree with entropy. You asked them to call you to discuss. For the future, I would recommend not leaving specific voice messages, a 'call me back' should be sufficient.
And I agree with the post above about asking the mom by saying 'I get the feeling you are still upset.' The other poster worded it perfectly!
Good luck!
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Old 04-22-2013, 01:02 PM
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Why is it that we always bare the brunt of these parents moods. I would not keep explaining. Maybe next time dont leave "she may need to go home in the message?" knowing they are going to misread it.
Most of my clients use only there cell phone and I must say that a lot of times they dont get my voice mails for days sometimes. Luckily my parents are into texting which is easier and they almost always get it. Plus they are date and time stamped! (but then so are voice mails I think) I would just move past th ewhole thing if you can. You have explained yourself enough! Im sorry you have had to deal with this.
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Old 04-22-2013, 01:37 PM
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Thanks for this. I will approach DCM this afternoon if things still seem weird. I don't like feeling like there's loose ends. I want this mother to understand I CAN handle her child, and I want to reassure her that they have no reason to doubt my abilities (which I feel like they do).

And just to clarify, I'm not one who is quick to send kids home. Other than sending sick kids home, I've only sent a child home once and that was for extremely disruptive behavior that lasted for almost 2 hours (caused by DCM at drop off, on purpose or so it seemed).
You're welcome.

Let us know how it goes.

Laurel
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Old 04-23-2013, 07:20 AM
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Yesterday at drop off DCM was fine and acted like she always does. But then this morning at drop off when she came in I was sitting with another child while they ate breakfast. DCG started screaming and DCM started try to calm her, but then got very frustrated and started handling the behavior in a very angry way. After a few minutes the mom said "this is not my job to calm you down", she then said that one more time, and I realized she meant it was my job, so I said "I can take over if you want." At that point she yelled at me that it was not her job to calm down her child that she's paying me to do it. I apologized and said that I didn't realize she wanted me to take over and that she felt that way about me, and I was trying not to step on her toes and intervene when I was not asked to help. Then she stormed out while still yelling at her child and trying to calm her down, and when she left she slammed my front door.

20 minutes later I get a text asking if DCG is ok now. I said she was still screaming but getting quieter, I apologized for not taking over sooner as I did not want to step on her toes and that I was sorry she was mad at me. Her response was DCG slept well and was fine all morning until she came here and that she hoped she would turn around. By then DCG was fine and I responded with, she's fine and I'm sure she just doesn't want to be away from you and that its always hard for kids when a new baby comes. No response.

I'm now wondering if I should even say anything about the way I'm being treated. DCM is lashing out at me for whatever reason. Both times she's been upset with me is for lack of communication on the parents part. First time they didn't return a call and got upset with me. Now this, if she'd just asked me to take over I would have immediately, but instead she got herself, her child, my other DCK, upset before snapping at me and making me upset.

If I say anything I don't think she's going to see anything wrong with how she treated me, and she might be angry enough to just pull her child from daycare. The worst part is I'm pregnant and she knows this and I'm very hurt by all this. My husband was home when this happened and heard it all and thankfully he was because I had to take a few minutes and have a cry (stupid pregnancy hormones!) over this while he sat with my other DCK.

Ugh, what do I do? I don't want to lose this family, but they need to realize none of this was my fault, and it is unacceptable to treat me this way.
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Old 04-23-2013, 07:28 AM
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First of all, she has no right to yell at you, for any reason. Second of all, stop apologizing to this family. You did nothing wrong in either situation, and they are being nasty, condescending, and aggressive with you.

I would let dcm know that she needs to drop off her child and leave immediately, if she expects you to step in as soon as they arrive.

And, I am outraged that she would look at her own poor child and tell her it isn't her job to calm her down. Who says that to their own child? This poor little girl is probably feeling left out and intimidated by the new baby in the house. Her mother is now referring to her as a job. Shame on her.

If you can afford to term this family, I would. If you can't, then you need to get much firmer in your policies and expectations.

No one has the right to talk to you in a disrespectful manner. You are caring for her child. She needs to treat you with the utmost respect and dignity. Stand up fore yourself! Be strong!!!!!
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Old 04-23-2013, 07:33 AM
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I think it is time to part ways very soon. I'm thinking they need to know if there are any more outbursts then termination will result. I'd really consider advertising to fill her spot today, as I'd be stressed wondering when they are going to blow up again.
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Old 04-23-2013, 07:34 AM
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Yesterday at drop off DCM was fine and acted like she always does. But then this morning at drop off when she came in I was sitting with another child while they ate breakfast. DCG started screaming and DCM started try to calm her, but then got very frustrated and started handling the behavior in a very angry way. After a few minutes the mom said "this is not my job to calm you down", she then said that one more time, and I realized she meant it was my job, so I said "I can take over if you want." At that point she yelled at me that it was not her job to calm down her child that she's paying me to do it. I apologized and said that I didn't realize she wanted me to take over and that she felt that way about me, and I was trying not to step on her toes and intervene when I was not asked to help. Then she stormed out while still yelling at her child and trying to calm her down, and when she left she slammed my front door.

20 minutes later I get a text asking if DCG is ok now. I said she was still screaming but getting quieter, I apologized for not taking over sooner as I did not want to step on her toes and that I was sorry she was mad at me. Her response was DCG slept well and was fine all morning until she came here and that she hoped she would turn around. By then DCG was fine and I responded with, she's fine and I'm sure she just doesn't want to be away from you and that its always hard for kids when a new baby comes. No response.

I'm now wondering if I should even say anything about the way I'm being treated. DCM is lashing out at me for whatever reason. Both times she's been upset with me is for lack of communication on the parents part. First time they didn't return a call and got upset with me. Now this, if she'd just asked me to take over I would have immediately, but instead she got herself, her child, my other DCK, upset before snapping at me and making me upset.

If I say anything I don't think she's going to see anything wrong with how she treated me, and she might be angry enough to just pull her child from daycare. The worst part is I'm pregnant and she knows this and I'm very hurt by all this. My husband was home when this happened and heard it all and thankfully he was because I had to take a few minutes and have a cry (stupid pregnancy hormones!) over this while he sat with my other DCK.

Ugh, what do I do? I don't want to lose this family, but they need to realize none of this was my fault, and it is unacceptable to treat me this way.
I wish I had advice for you, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I hope you get it worked out. You don't deserve to be treated like that Having a newborn is stressful and she doesn't have the right to take that out on you! (Plus, yelling at her DD isn't going to help and she shouldn't come to your house and upset everyone over it!) Hope you have a good day!
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Old 04-23-2013, 07:38 AM
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I don't take terminating a contract lightly, but in this case this family needs to be gone. I would never allow someone to talk to me that way. If you can't afford to lose the income then start advertising to fill the spot and term as soon as you possibly can.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, especially since you're expecting.
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Old 04-23-2013, 08:11 AM
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You would have taken it personally if you were the parent? I'm not sure I understand what you mean?
I definitely would have taken it personally as the DC provider!! As a parent I would want to know if my daughter was having a rough time adjusting. You deserved a call back for a chance to explain. I get that sick feeling just thinking about it. They were wrong for not calling. That's what I meant. Sorry!!
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Old 04-23-2013, 08:26 AM
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It's not her job? I beg to differ. HER child, HER job. Period. I don't care who's house she's in. This Mom is downright disrespectful, and you're giving her WAAAAAAAAAY too much room to walk all over you. I don't care if she just had ten babies, that is no excuse to treat you that way.

Please, please, PLEASE do me a favor and never apologize to this family ever again. Seriously. If anything, DCM owes YOU a big apology!

I'm going to jump on the "term" wagon here.
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  #30  
Old 04-23-2013, 08:30 AM
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do you know if everything is okay with the new baby? mom sounds really stressed out. and what's mom doing dropping off when she just gave birth?
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Old 04-23-2013, 08:36 AM
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I know DCD was initially the one to give you issues, but could DCM be having some post-partum depression or other issues?

I'm not saying that it's ok for them to treat you this way because it definitely is NOT and there's a good chance that if I were in your shoes I wouldn't have handled her outburst nearly as well as you did. In fact, I would probably have termed them on the spot. So disrespectful.

With that said, though, could she be having issues and maybe dragged DCD into it? I know sometimes when it comes to me and DH, if one of us gets upset about something 9/10 we suck the other one into it
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Old 04-23-2013, 08:44 AM
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Oh hell no! I would have stopped her dead in her tracks and corrected her on the way she was speaking to you, corrected her on the fact of who's responsibility it is to calm her distraught child and also would have informed her that YELLING at her child certainly is not going to accomplish calming her down. I would then let her know that if she EVER spoke to me in that manner again that she would be needing to make other arrangements for child care.
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Old 04-23-2013, 08:47 AM
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First of all, she has no right to yell at you, for any reason. Second of all, stop apologizing to this family. You did nothing wrong in either situation, and they are being nasty, condescending, and aggressive with you.

I would let dcm know that she needs to drop off her child and leave immediately, if she expects you to step in as soon as they arrive.

And, I am outraged that she would look at her own poor child and tell her it isn't her job to calm her down. Who says that to their own child? This poor little girl is probably feeling left out and intimidated by the new baby in the house. Her mother is now referring to her as a job. Shame on her.

If you can afford to term this family, I would. If you can't, then you need to get much firmer in your policies and expectations.

No one has the right to talk to you in a disrespectful manner. You are caring for her child. She needs to treat you with the utmost respect and dignity. Stand up fore yourself! Be strong!!!!!
I totally agree 100%. The behavior of both mom and dad are unacceptable and you did nothing wrong.

I have seen children struggle with having a new sibling, so that in itself is not alarming or that unusual...but the way mom and dad are reacting to the situation is!
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Old 04-23-2013, 09:12 AM
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First of all, she has no right to yell at you, for any reason. Second of all, stop apologizing to this family. You did nothing wrong in either situation, and they are being nasty, condescending, and aggressive with you.

I would let dcm know that she needs to drop off her child and leave immediately, if she expects you to step in as soon as they arrive.

And, I am outraged that she would look at her own poor child and tell her it isn't her job to calm her down. Who says that to their own child? This poor little girl is probably feeling left out and intimidated by the new baby in the house. Her mother is now referring to her as a job. Shame on her.

If you can afford to term this family, I would. If you can't, then you need to get much firmer in your policies and expectations.

No one has the right to talk to you in a disrespectful manner. You are caring for her child. She needs to treat you with the utmost respect and dignity. Stand up fore yourself! Be strong!!!!!
Yes, this. Quite frankly, this woman's behavior makes me want to puke. Poor kid, honestly, and poor you. The kid is acting so outrageously partly I would assume due to the newborn but the extent she is going to is purely a reflection of the parents and THEIR bad behavior.

I would say at pick up today. "Mary, I was quite taken aback by the scene at the door this morning and so was my husband who witnessed your behavior. It is always YOUR JOB to parent your child. You need to have control of your kid while you are on the premises. If a scene like that ever occurs again, you will need to go back outside and both of you calm down. When you both are ready to enter my home and my daycare and be respectful, you are welcome to stay. I will never be talked to like that again when all I am doing is acting in the best interest of your child. If you are not prepared to be respectful in the future, hit the pavement."

I have no tolerance for that.
I know you don't want to lose them, and they can sense that. That has made them alpha in this situation. You need to lose that feeling. You need to be prepared to lose them so they have consequence. You need to become alpha again. This is YOUR business, and you run the show. They need to get that and they need to know that you don't care if they stay if they pick any other route. Otherwise, it will just get worse and worse. I'm serious. They will blame you for EVERYTHING.
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Old 04-23-2013, 09:20 AM
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First of all, she has no right to yell at you, for any reason. Second of all, stop apologizing to this family. You did nothing wrong in either situation, and they are being nasty, condescending, and aggressive with you.

I would let dcm know that she needs to drop off her child and leave immediately, if she expects you to step in as soon as they arrive.

And, I am outraged that she would look at her own poor child and tell her it isn't her job to calm her down. Who says that to their own child? This poor little girl is probably feeling left out and intimidated by the new baby in the house. Her mother is now referring to her as a job. Shame on her.

If you can afford to term this family, I would. If you can't, then you need to get much firmer in your policies and expectations.

No one has the right to talk to you in a disrespectful manner. You are caring for her child. She needs to treat you with the utmost respect and dignity. Stand up fore yourself! Be strong!!!!!

I totally agree, this happened to me that a dad spoke to me in a very loud aggressive voice at the end of the day one time. I informed him that he may not yell at me and that if he ever spoke to me that way in my OWN HOME his family would be terminated immediately. When he tried to speak I told him that he needed to leave immediately.

He came back a few minutes later to apologize, to which I repeated everything I had already said.

They continued to attend, and both mum and dad were very respectful, but it was too late I barely spoke to this dad and answered his attempts at polite conversation with one word answers. I couldn't help it, I hated him. They eventually aged out, which couldn't have happened soon enough.

I kept them because they had two little girls with me who I had with me since 1 year old, well behaved, who were aging out soon and I took pleasure in continuing to take their money.
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Old 04-23-2013, 09:34 AM
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I think it is time to part ways very soon. I'm thinking they need to know if there are any more outbursts then termination will result. I'd really consider advertising to fill her spot today, as I'd be stressed wondering when they are going to blow up again.
Please, for your own stress levels, begin advertising immediately. You are growing a baby and it isn't right to bathe that poor child in high levels of stress hormones due to another person's inability to control themselves like an adult.
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Old 04-23-2013, 09:38 AM
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Oh hell no! I would have stopped her dead in her tracks and corrected her on the way she was speaking to you, corrected her on the fact of who's responsibility it is to calm her distraught child and also would have informed her that YELLING at her child certainly is not going to accomplish calming her down. I would then let her know that if she EVER spoke to me in that manner again that she would be needing to make other arrangements for child care.
100% agree with this.

Of course I've had this happen to me before and now have clear policies in my handbook (with the help of the ladies here on this forum" about situations like this AKA ..

"From the Provider - "One of the most important elements in home childcare is mutual respect between the parent and the provider... "

"Arrival & Departure Policy - ... The daycare is responsible for the children from the moment that the client leaves the daycare and only until the client arrives to pick the child up. During the time that the client is present responsibility over that child is turned away from the childcare provider. The less confusion about who is charge, the more comfortable everyone will be. Keep in mind that children tend to act out when an adult is here so please make sure that you are firm and in control."

And my favorite ...

"Termination Policy - .... The childcare provider however has the right to terminate the contract at any time without notice if the client should breach the contract by failing to follow any of the policies in the contract and policy handbook. These circumstances include ...
*  Disruptive, disrespectful or hurtful behavior by a child or client that persists.
* Deliberate disrespect or damage to the childcare provider, other daycare families, the home, family, furnishings or other belongings by a child, client or other person which picks the child up."

I don't care whether I am doing "my job" or not ... this is MY home, MY business and MY domain. No one should disrespect anyone like these clients have you OP and I for one would not have apologized for any reason because you did nothing wrong. Once you apologize it's like you just took on the burden of guilt and are accepting blame.

I am not quick to terminate however I would have asked them BOTH for a sit-down to discuss these issues and to make it clear that no matter what they feel I am doing wrong yelling, hostility and slamming my door will not be tolerated. I would even have a termination notice at the ready and wouldn't hesitate to give it to them if they a) refused to sit down and talk about it, b) became hostile during the meeting or b) it was apparent that they "didn't get it" and that things would probably continue in this way.
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Old 04-23-2013, 09:40 AM
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Yesterday at drop off DCM was fine and acted like she always does. But then this morning at drop off when she came in I was sitting with another child while they ate breakfast. DCG started screaming and DCM started try to calm her, but then got very frustrated and started handling the behavior in a very angry way. After a few minutes the mom said "this is not my job to calm you down", she then said that one more time, and I realized she meant it was my job, so I said "I can take over if you want." At that point she yelled at me that it was not her job to calm down her child that she's paying me to do it. I apologized and said that I didn't realize she wanted me to take over and that she felt that way about me, and I was trying not to step on her toes and intervene when I was not asked to help. Then she stormed out while still yelling at her child and trying to calm her down, and when she left she slammed my front door.
So let me get this straight.... DCM says it's not her job to calm her own child? I would let her know that she is only paying you to care for DCG when she is away but when DCM/DCD are there they are responsible for their child! Do you have anything in your contract about that- "unless in situations where the provider believes intervention is needed (such as a safety issue or a learning opportunity), while daycare parents are on child care property they will still be responsible for their own child. The provider will take over child care duties once the parents leave the premises"- or something like that? Maybe you can also let her know in the future that for reasons like that you try to encourage quick drop offs/pick ups.

But if their behavior continues you may want to seriously consider terming- especially if you are pregnant because you do not need that extra stress.
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Old 04-23-2013, 09:50 AM
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There are really only two requirements from a parent.

#1 Respect. This is a requirement at ALL times.
#2 Communication. This is vital for the health and sanity of ALL involved.

Sounds to me like these two elements are missing from your relationship with this family and that makes having a working relationship impossible.

I would term this family immediately for lack of respect in YOUR home.

Totally uncalled for.

I'm sorry you had this happen to you.
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Old 04-23-2013, 09:51 AM
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I totally agree, this happened to me that a dad spoke to me in a very loud aggressive voice at the end of the day one time. I informed him that he may not yell at me and that if he ever spoke to me that way in my OWN HOME his family would be terminated immediately. When he tried to speak I told him that he needed to leave immediately.
I totally agree! I would be so upset at a parent yelling at their child, then yelling at me for not taking care of it! I would email her before pickup and let her know that you will not tolerate being treated disrespectfully anymore and that if either she or dcd disrespect you again you will term. If you continue to have problems w/ mom at drop off just start buh bye outside.

I recently had a parent who continually worked her child up at drop off (staying a long time, multiple goodbyes, letting him do things I dont allow, telling other children how to behave, etc). I finally explained to her how buh bye outside worked and said we would have to start that if the drop offs didn't get shorter and calmer. I didn't even have to implement it, it was much better the next day

If dcm wants you to be in charge of dcg in your home then she needs to drop her off, say a QUICK goodbye, and leave. Then you can take over
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:07 AM
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I can hardly formulate a response as I read your post an hour ago and am still angry...for you. How dare she!

I'm curious how long she has had her child with you and has she always been rude or is this kind of behavior out of the ordinary? (not that it matters as she has no right to speak to you like that. It is totally unacceptable but just wondering...)

I would be very tempted to term and I've never, ever termed anyone in 16 years. Her behavior is over the top though.

I guess I'd try just one more time though knowing me, lol.

I would guess you have the upper hand here as far as who needs who the most. She just had a baby. I doubt she has the time and energy to go look for childcare elsewhere.

I think what I might say to her is:

I have been feeling upset about this morning. I absolutely will not be spoken to the way you spoke to me this morning and I will not have anyone in my house who yells at children (even their own) or who slams my door. I know you must be under stress at this time but that does not give you permission to treat me like you did this morning. It has to end now. (eye contact and stern look)

I have been wondering if another care arrangement would be better for your family (the scare tactic, lol) but I'm willing to give it one more chance if we can have a smooth drop off and pick up. I think it is best if you say a quick goodbye at the door and let me handle it from there. Also, don't expect me to know what you want unless you tell me. I always let parents handle their children while they are here and I take over when they leave.

Laurel
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:13 AM
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I want to email the mother when the kids go down for a nap. I don't want to term now, it seems she's having trouble with adding a new baby. I want to give the benefit of the doubt. If it happens again they'll be gone. Here's my email to DCM. Please feel free to make suggestions or edit it for me.


Hi DCM
I feel we need to discuss what happened this morning. I was very shocked at the way you spoke to me this morning. I understand you have a lot going on with the new baby and everything, but I don't think that excuses your actions towards me this morning and it will not be tolerated. I would have been happy to step in and take over calming DCG, had you asked me. Since you did not, I did not want to intervene and undermine your authority with your child. When you made it clear you wanted my help, I stepped right in.

For the future, we need to make an effort to open the lines of communication. If you would like, from now on at drop off I will take over immediately only if you ask me to. If you do not expressly ask me to take over so you can leave, then I will not. If something is bothering you, please discuss it with me. So far we've had a very cordial relationship and I would like it to stay that way. Please call me to discuss during nap time, as I will not discuss this in front of the children.
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:18 AM
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After reading how this family has treated you, It angers me. I would not want a family like this in my home if they did that to me.

YOU need to do yourself a favor and term. they don't care about you seeing how rude and disrespectful they have been.

I don't care if they just had a baby, they are selfish and taking their kid issues on you.

You are pregnant, wouldn't you want a more relaxed day without dealing with this trash.
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:19 AM
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Yes, this. Quite frankly, this woman's behavior makes me want to puke. Poor kid, honestly, and poor you. The kid is acting so outrageously partly I would assume due to the newborn but the extent she is going to is purely a reflection of the parents and THEIR bad behavior.

I would say at pick up today. "Mary, I was quite taken aback by the scene at the door this morning and so was my husband who witnessed your behavior. It is always YOUR JOB to parent your child. You need to have control of your kid while you are on the premises. If a scene like that ever occurs again, you will need to go back outside and both of you calm down. When you both are ready to enter my home and my daycare and be respectful, you are welcome to stay. I will never be talked to like that again when all I am doing is acting in the best interest of your child. If you are not prepared to be respectful in the future, hit the pavement."

I have no tolerance for that.
I know you don't want to lose them, and they can sense that. That has made them alpha in this situation. You need to lose that feeling. You need to be prepared to lose them so they have consequence. You need to become alpha again. This is YOUR business, and you run the show. They need to get that and they need to know that you don't care if they stay if they pick any other route. Otherwise, it will just get worse and worse. I'm serious. They will blame you for EVERYTHING.
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:34 AM
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I have no sympathy for anyone who thinks their lack of sleep, stress, other issues, can cause them to treat others like crap. I don't care that they just had a new baby. I don't care that they probably are not getting a lot of sleep. You know what? That's what happens when you have babies. And since they already had one, they knew what they were getting in to. If anything they should be on their knees apologizing for their rude behavior. Then and only then would I advise some sympathy on the provider's part. Otherwise I'd tell them to shape up or ship out.

As for the note to mom, I would not ask her how she wants you to handle things. I would TELL her how things are going to go from now on. "Mom, since it's clear you are having a hard time handling your child, I will take her from you as soon as you bring her in. Please keep drop off very short so we can avoid more meltdowns."
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:44 AM
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I have no sympathy for anyone who thinks their lack of sleep, stress, other issues, can cause them to treat others like crap. I don't care that they just had a new baby. I don't care that they probably are not getting a lot of sleep. You know what? That's what happens when you have babies. And since they already had one, they knew what they were getting in to. If anything they should be on their knees apologizing for their rude behavior. Then and only then would I advise some sympathy on the provider's part. Otherwise I'd tell them to shape up or ship out.

As for the note to mom, I would not ask her how she wants you to handle things. I would TELL her how things are going to go from now on. "Mom, since it's clear you are having a hard time handling your child, I will take her from you as soon as you bring her in. Please keep drop off very short so we can avoid more meltdowns."


Laurel
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:58 AM
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I'm horrible at confrontation and am very much a people pleaser, but I feel your letter needs to be firmed up. I could never be anything but polite, but I think one can be polite and firm at the same time. Maybe one of these ladies here can help you with a firmed up letter that matches your nature at the same time. I'm not much of letter writter. I think it would include that this mornings behaviour was unaceptable and a repeat will not be aloud. While I would give them one more chance, I would be advertising too. Sounds like mom is struggling to adjust to having 2 children, but that does not mean she gets to treat others so rudley. We all have adjustments and stuff going on in our lives, it does not give us an excuse to treat others unkindly. You yourself are adjusting to proving care to multiple children, while growing a new sprout of your own. Doubt she would appreciate if you hollered back at her, and blamed it on hormones. Sorry she made you cry today.
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Old 04-23-2013, 10:58 AM
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I personally changed a few little things that I would like to see in your letter but you can leave them out if you prefer.

One example was that you asked if she wanted you to take over immediately ... by her actions today it's apparent to me that it's exactly what she wants you to do and you only need to confirm that it's what she is asking you to do.

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Hi DCM
I feel we need to discuss what happened this morning. I was very shocked at the way you spoke to me this morning. I understand you have a lot going on with the new baby however it does not excuse your actions towards me this morning and it will not be tolerated. I would have been happy to step in and take over calming DCG, had you asked me. Since you did not, I did not want to intervene and undermine your authority with your child. When you made it clear you wanted my help, I stepped right in.

In order for this partnership to work we need to have an open line of communication and mutual respect. It sounds to me that you prefer that I take over immediately when DCG is dropped off which I am willing to do. Had I known this previously I would have done so immediately however I was unaware that this was your preference because all of my other DCP's prefer for me to not step in unless I am asked. Please confirm with me if this is the way that you wish for me to handle drop-offs from now on and I will do so.

Also, if something is bothering you, please discuss it with me openly and respectfully. So far we've had a very cordial relationship and I would like it to stay that way. Please call me to discuss during nap time, as it not only difficult for me to discuss this while the children are awake but also innapropriate. Thank You
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:01 AM
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I feel bad for the OP. But I feel very bad for the little girl. A dcg I once had.....she was.almost 3, a real sweety, never any problems. Her baby brother.was born, and she too.was dropped off the next day at my daycare center. Poor girl, cried a lot, was very upset about the "tubes and hoses" she saw on her mommy. (IV), the "wires all over baby" (monitors) and the.scary masks.the hospital staff wore. Her brother was in a "scary box" with "really bright lights" (incubator. She was pretty much traumatized. She was sad "baby hurt mommy". And she was.sad when daddy cried. This normally well adjusted girl was a wreck for two weeks solid.

I know you are upset with the parents. They acted rudely and inappropriately. They should.apologize. But.......I think they need just a little sympathy and patience. And try to remember, its about the little girl......she is obviously a tad scared, confused and unsure.

On a personal note.....my oldest was 9 when his baby brother.was . He cried and cried when he.saw me in the hospital. The tubes and hoses and beeping machines and masked staff.upset him too.....and he was NINE.

Patience, kindness and understanding always pay off. It may seem like a hard thing to show them right now, but when these new parents get their heads screwed back on right, I hope they will realize they behaved badly.

(((((hugs)))::
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:06 AM
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Wow. Just wow.
I did not read any other responses, but I'm dumfounded that these parents are such ....hmmm, don't want to swear on the forum.

First of all, why don't they want DCG there for such a happy, special occasion of adding a sibling to the family?
Of course DCG was upset! I sure has HE** would be too! How dare they leave her out of such a special thing?
But, that is just my opinion. I'm sure others won't agree that the child should be at the hospital, but it depends on the birth, if it's a c-section (which I had), etc. etc.
Second of all, YOU did nothing wrong, AT ALL. If I were you, I would be mad at them.
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:17 AM
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I personally changed a few little things that I would like to see in your letter but you can leave them out if you prefer.

One example was that you asked if she wanted you to take over immediately ... by her actions today it's apparent to me that it's exactly what she wants you to do and you only need to confirm that it's what she is asking you to do.
Thanks so much for this! I'm using the exact wording you wrote. Wow, you have a way with words!
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:22 AM
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Thanks so much for this! I'm using the exact wording you wrote. Wow, you have a way with words!
No problem. Anytime

Maybe others have more ideas?? That's what I love about this forum. I don't know what I would do without it .
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:28 AM
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Email was sent, now to wait for the response. Ugh, I hate, hate, hate confrontations!
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:43 AM
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No problem. Anytime

Maybe others have more ideas?? That's what I love about this forum. I don't know what I would do without it .
Ok, maybe I am a softie, maybe I'm totally wrong, I bet many will disagree, but here is what I personally would write......on the inside of a nice card.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I hope everyone is happy and healthy. I know this is a very stressful time for you, your husband and older child. I just wanted to reach out and tell you I feel badly we had a breakdown in communication over Little Susy. I didn't intend on upsetting anyone, and I'm sure you didn't mean to upset nee either. I hope when things get back to normal, we can have a calm, open discussion about communication, drop-off procedures and general concerns and expectations. In the meantime, please accept my warmest congratulations and best wishes for your new baby."

Please consider it, I know its hard to turn the other cheek right now, but I do think they might truly appreciate it.
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:50 AM
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First of all, she has no right to yell at you, for any reason. Second of all, stop apologizing to this family. You did nothing wrong in either situation, and they are being nasty, condescending, and aggressive with you.

I would let dcm know that she needs to drop off her child and leave immediately, if she expects you to step in as soon as they arrive.

And, I am outraged that she would look at her own poor child and tell her it isn't her job to calm her down. Who says that to their own child? This poor little girl is probably feeling left out and intimidated by the new baby in the house. Her mother is now referring to her as a job. Shame on her.

If you can afford to term this family, I would. If you can't, then you need to get much firmer in your policies and expectations.

No one has the right to talk to you in a disrespectful manner. You are caring for her child. She needs to treat you with the utmost respect and dignity. Stand up fore yourself! Be strong!!!!!
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:54 AM
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Email was sent, now to wait for the response. Ugh, I hate, hate, hate confrontations!
I guess I typed to slow. I totally understand you are upset and were treated so badly, but as a parent, I truly would not want to read emails within a day or two of giving birth. I am a big fan of waiting a day or two before hitting "send". And some things are better said in person.
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:54 AM
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Ok, maybe I am a softie, maybe I'm totally wrong, I bet many will disagree, but here is what I personally would write......on the inside of a nice card.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I hope everyone is happy and healthy. I know this is a very stressful time for you, your husband and older child. I just wanted to reach out and tell you I feel badly we had a breakdown in communication over Little Susy. I didn't intend on upsetting anyone, and I'm sure you didn't mean to upset nee either. I hope when things get back to normal, we can have a calm, open discussion about communication, drop-off procedures and general concerns and expectations. In the meantime, please accept my warmest congratulations and best wishes for your new baby."

Please consider it, I know its hard to turn the other cheek right now, but I do think they might truly appreciate it.
I don't completely disagree with you. I might not say, "I hope when things get back to normal". It might open up doors for her to yell more before things are "normal". After my babies were born I would always say, "I can't wait for our new normal".
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Old 04-23-2013, 12:16 PM
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This was the response to my email. not sure what to make of it???

Yes, we need to set up a time to discuss communication and I was planning to set up a meeting or call during pick up today. I can not discuss anything today during nap as I am busy. We will have to pick a time later on.
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Old 04-23-2013, 12:18 PM
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I want to email the mother when the kids go down for a nap. I don't want to term now, it seems she's having trouble with adding a new baby. I want to give the benefit of the doubt. If it happens again they'll be gone. Here's my email to DCM. Please feel free to make suggestions or edit it for me.


Hi DCM
I feel we need to discuss what happened this morning. I was very shocked at the way you spoke to me this morning. I understand you have a lot going on with the new baby and everything, but I don't think that excuses your actions towards me this morning and it will not be tolerated. I would have been happy to step in and take over calming DCG, had you asked me. Since you did not, I did not want to intervene and undermine your authority with your child. When you made it clear you wanted my help, I stepped right in.

For the future, we need to make an effort to open the lines of communication. If you would like, from now on at drop off I will take over immediately only if you ask me to. If you do not expressly ask me to take over so you can leave, then I will not. If something is bothering you, please discuss it with me. So far we've had a very cordial relationship and I would like it to stay that way. Please call me to discuss during nap time, as I will not discuss this in front of the children.
I think I would be clear. I would let her know, nicely how you want drop off to be. I would have understanding that it is hard to leave your little loved one, but in order for us to have a smooth transaction and good start to the day I need you to say your good byes fast and leave. If you we are both present it is your responsibility to step in and correct your child, if you choose to not do this then I will and I trust that you trust me enough to be able to do this. I would make it clear what you want happening for now on, and I would warn her that she can not speak to you the way that she did and it will not be tolerated again. Oh good luck. I would verbally speak to your client and maybe also give her a written warning. If you expect respect and not settle for anything but respect you will be golden. It is your home, your daycare, your rules. Being kind but also being clear.
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Old 04-23-2013, 12:19 PM
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I think this mom needs a good taste of what it likes to have both her baby and her daughter all day during her maternity leave! I wouldn't handle being treated like that at all, I would term, mother has a nice maternity leave to find alternative care, and handle her own children. Sleep deprived or not, I would never treat someone that way
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Old 04-23-2013, 12:30 PM
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This was the response to my email. not sure what to make of it???

Yes, we need to set up a time to discuss communication and I was planning to set up a meeting or call during pick up today. I can not discuss anything today during nap as I am busy. We will have to pick a time later on.
I'm optimistic she wants to clear things up and get on the same page.
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Old 04-23-2013, 12:39 PM
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This was the response to my email. not sure what to make of it???

Yes, we need to set up a time to discuss communication and I was planning to set up a meeting or call during pick up today. I can not discuss anything today during nap as I am busy. We will have to pick a time later on.
Sounds like she's still holding the "in control" title, from the way I read it.
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Old 04-23-2013, 12:45 PM
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Sounds like she's still holding the "in control" title, from the way I read it.
That's how I read it as well. I didn't write that I wanted to set up a meeting. I said if she'd like to discuss the email then to call me. Seems she has more to say. I feel like this is either her trying to stall until this goes away or she's going to get on the phone and tear into me about the call I made about her daughter needing to go home or that she thinks I don't do my job (from what she said this morning). Idk, I think this is going to blow up even worse.
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Old 04-23-2013, 12:48 PM
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Agree with sugar magnolia.

And if this is new behavior from the dcp's then I am going to guess that something else might be going on. Is the baby healthy, how's moms recovery, how's dad doing, how's the dcg adjusting.
I know it's not our place to meddle in families affairs, but if one of my families suddenly changed and acted like that, I would ask them what is going on.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
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Old 04-23-2013, 12:49 PM
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I guess I typed to slow. I totally understand you are upset and were treated so badly, but as a parent, I truly would not want to read emails within a day or two of giving birth. I am a big fan of waiting a day or two before hitting "send". And some things are better said in person.

Sugar...I understand what you are saying BUT.......the baby was born last week, not a couple of days ago.

This Mom is behaving badly. The provider was being polite, considerate and helpful and the parent went off on her. No matter the reason, she had no right to speak to the provider in the manner she did and SHE is the one who should be apologizing. Who talks to ANYONE like that, much less the person who lovingly cares for her child everyday???

She also needs to be told not to speak to her child like that in the providers home, in front of other people's children.

I agree with you about feeling badly for the little girl. I feel really sad for her......she is being yelled at and while she was probably already feeling like the baby is kinda taking her place, she probably REALLY feels badly about the new baby now.
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Old 04-23-2013, 12:59 PM
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I know DCD was initially the one to give you issues, but could DCM be having some post-partum depression or other issues?

I'm not saying that it's ok for them to treat you this way because it definitely is NOT and there's a good chance that if I were in your shoes I wouldn't have handled her outburst nearly as well as you did. In fact, I would probably have termed them on the spot. So disrespectful.

With that said, though, could she be having issues and maybe dragged DCD into it? I know sometimes when it comes to me and DH, if one of us gets upset about something 9/10 we suck the other one into it
I was thinking the same thing. If she previously did not behave like this, it sounds like she is not in her right mind at all.
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Old 04-23-2013, 01:04 PM
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I agree with you about feeling badly for the little girl. I feel really sad for her......she is being yelled at and while she was probably already feeling like the baby is kinda taking her place, she probably REALLY feels badly about the new baby now.
I agree as well. Being told directly by your mom that it's not HER JOB to calm me down would make me really distraught. . If not her job then who else? Another sibling in the mix is difficult as it is for an entire family physically and much more so emotionally especially for the youngest of the children who now finds themselves no longer being the baby. These children suddenly feel ignored and loved less and can harbor feelings of resentment towards their family and even the new baby.

This is why when I had my DS I made a special "Go" bag fo rmy DD which we gave to her when my DS was born which was filled with tons of stuff like books, activity books, trinkets, small games and toys etc. and a few baby toys that were her "special" toys that she could share with baby bro. We wanted to make her feel special and loved and a part of the celebration because we knew that many people would be coming to visit the baby and not really paying much attention to her.

I also asked that if my friends/family brought flowers, gifts or chocolate etc. that they'd be given and addressed to her instead of to me or my DH as a "Congratulations! You're a big sister". She was 6 but I know it helped her maneuver through her feelings and she was involved in everything with the new baby that she wanted to be included in and we allowed her to not participate if she didn't want to (she wanted to help make bottles so we showed her how but she didn't want to get diapers so we never asked her to). I would never drop her off at daycare if I was home unless I was extremely fatigued and had no help much less if my DH was home or I had help from other family, not this soon after the birth of a new baby anyway .
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Old 04-23-2013, 01:06 PM
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This was the response to my email. not sure what to make of it???

Yes, we need to set up a time to discuss communication and I was planning to set up a meeting or call during pick up today. I can not discuss anything today during nap as I am busy. We will have to pick a time later on.
Post-partum, etc or not, her response was carefully calculated and would have my blood boiling. She is attempting to take the control position by putting you on the defensive by saying that their intentions were to initiate a conversation as well. I wouldn't read into it like that with every family, just particularly this one, given the track record of "communication" they have so far.

My prediction is that they will want a face to face with you as a pair (intimidation factor). I'd be sure to have dh sit in on this one if possible to even the scales a bit. Be strong, you have nothing to lose but daily drama and headaches. I'm guessing they feel they have the upper hand because they likely don't even need care while she is on maternity leave and could save a few bucks by leaving. If you terminate they can justify any nastiness they wish to spread, which would get them off the hook guilt wise.



Big hugs, you have been extremely kind to these people despite their behavior and so didn't deserve this. No matter what they are trying to convince you.
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Old 04-23-2013, 01:09 PM
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I want to email the mother when the kids go down for a nap. I don't want to term now, it seems she's having trouble with adding a new baby. I want to give the benefit of the doubt. If it happens again they'll be gone. Here's my email to DCM. Please feel free to make suggestions or edit it for me.


Hi DCM
I feel we need to discuss what happened this morning. I was very shocked at the way you spoke to me this morning. I understand you have a lot going on with the new baby and everything, but I don't think that excuses your actions towards me this morning and it will not be tolerated. I would have been happy to step in and take over calming DCG, had you asked me. Since you did not, I did not want to intervene and undermine your authority with your child. When you made it clear you wanted my help, I stepped right in.

For the future, we need to make an effort to open the lines of communication. If you would like, from now on at drop off I will take over immediately only if you ask me to. If you do not expressly ask me to take over so you can leave, then I will not. If something is bothering you, please discuss it with me. So far we've had a very cordial relationship and I would like it to stay that way. Please call me to discuss during nap time, as I will not discuss this in front of the children.
I'm not trying to be mean, but why are you making excuses for her behaviour?

It would not matter to me what issues she is having, being yelled at in my own home would be a deal breaker. Even if she is having a really tough time it does not give her the right to treat people badly.

If you keep her there will be another incident because this mom thinks it is ok to treat you badly, and you will be letting her.
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Old 04-23-2013, 01:12 PM
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This was the response to my email. not sure what to make of it???

Yes, we need to set up a time to discuss communication and I was planning to set up a meeting or call during pick up today. I can not discuss anything today during nap as I am busy. We will have to pick a time later on.
I think they are either going to pull or they are going to tell you how they expect you to behave.

I don't see this ending well for you.

Eta: I really think you need to try to work on your backbone right now. Again, I'm not saying that to be mean....I'm trying to prepare you for the fact that they will probably come in and tag team you. They will probably try to exert control of the situation.

Remember no matter what they say, the way DCM and Dcd treated you (not talking to you and acting angry) is not ok. They will try to pin this on you, but they need to own their behaviour.

I hope I'm wrong and they are coming to apologize but I highly doubt it.
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Old 04-23-2013, 01:19 PM
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That's how I read it as well. I didn't write that I wanted to set up a meeting. I said if she'd like to discuss the email then to call me. Seems she has more to say. I feel like this is either her trying to stall until this goes away or she's going to get on the phone and tear into me about the call I made about her daughter needing to go home or that she thinks I don't do my job (from what she said this morning). Idk, I think this is going to blow up even worse.
Yup. I think you are right on the money. She is trying to pull rank and that meeting will get really ugly. I honestly would not let that kid back into care without it being resolved. I honestly would not let that kid back into care period. I'd be done today. If they in any way felt they were being unreasonable, they would be apologizing up and down and sideways, not putting you off because they are too "busy" to talk with you at the time you requested. I think they are stalling because they are going to screw you over. Just be done with them. Sad for the little one, but she's stuck with those parents no matter where she goes. Why should you bear the brunt? Take care of the baby inside of you and don't let her stress you out.
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Old 04-23-2013, 01:24 PM
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Oh, and document, document, document, AND give a head's up to your licensor. They need to know how irrational the parents are acting, because these are the types to try and make claims after the fact of a termination.
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Old 04-23-2013, 01:24 PM
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Sugar...I understand what you are saying BUT.......the baby was born last week, not a couple of days ago.

This Mom is behaving badly. The provider was being polite, considerate and helpful and the parent went off on her. No matter the reason, she had no right to speak to the provider in the manner she did and SHE is the one who should be apologizing. Who talks to ANYONE like that, much less the person who lovingly cares for her child everyday???

She also needs to be told not to speak to her child like that in the providers home, in front of other people's children.

I agree with you about feeling badly for the little girl. I feel really sad for her......she is being yelled at and while she was probably already feeling like the baby is kinda taking her place, she probably REALLY feels badly about the new baby now.
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Old 04-23-2013, 01:36 PM
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I don't think they'll just leave, they have 2 deposits tied up with me and my contract clearly states no refunds. One deposit in last 2 weeks for their older child and the other is 4 weeks work to hold a spot for their new child. I really hope this doesn't get nasty.
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Old 04-23-2013, 01:51 PM
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I don't think they'll just leave, they have 2 deposits tied up with me and my contract clearly states no refunds. One deposit in last 2 weeks for their older child and the other is 4 weeks work to hold a spot for their new child. I really hope this doesn't get nasty.
I don't think they will just leave either but they might give you notice.

I actually think they are going to lay it out for you on how they expect you to behave and if you don't agree they will give notice. I think they are going to point out things that they think you have done wrong. They will try to pull rank on you.

And I highly doubt that they will be sorry about any of their behaviour. They will claim that their behaviour is your fault. For example " mom would not have yelled at you, if you have just attended to their child".

As I said before, I hope I'm wrong, but I think this will either end badly today or you will suck it up and it will end badly in a few weeks.
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:02 PM
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Her response sounds like they are going to try and lay out all of their issues at one time and tell you how they want it to be. It certainly doesn't sound like someone who is sorry for or even recognizes that their actions were wrong. Prepare yourself to be in charge and force them to be polite and respectful of you, your business, and their child in your home as well as to respect your policies. Be prepared for them to bring up every little nit-picky thing they can think of and be prepared fo rthem to blame it all on you. I would have in your mind already how you want to approach the meeting with them and what kind of outcome you want. Personally I would have in my mind that "these are my rules and expectations and if you aren't comfortable with them then maybe it is best that we part ways"
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:20 PM
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Ok mom apologized but also said I really should be trying to help DCG transition. (So not a real apology, more like, "I'm sorry I behaved badly but It was kind of your fault".) She was still mad about the phone call to dad about DCG being upset, which I then told her exactly what the message said and that I did not ask dad to come get DCG and he would have known that if he called like I asked. Now they will not be brining new baby, she will be putting her in the daycare inside her office so she can nurse, she claims this was in the works before the outburst this morning and that it has nothing to do with me. She asked for her deposit back and I told her no. She said she figured that and understood. I will have DCG for 2 months then she will be going to preschool.

This saves me the headache of hiring someone on the one day per week I would have had the baby, it would have cost me $80 for the employee to cover for the $63 I would make to care for their baby, but I would've had to do it for when my baby is here due to licensing ratios. My baby would've made 3 babies on Thursdays, so I'm actually making $17 more that day and i keep their deposit, since their choosing to forfeit it. Now hopefully no more issues from them for the next 8 weeks (7 if you count my vacation in may)
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:20 PM
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I responded at the same time... and just read that OP talked to mom. I'm glad that things will all work out for the best!

Last edited by mom2many; 04-23-2013 at 02:25 PM. Reason: changed response
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:26 PM
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This was the response to my email. not sure what to make of it???

Yes, we need to set up a time to discuss communication and I was planning to set up a meeting or call during pick up today. I can not discuss anything today during nap as I am busy. We will have to pick a time later on.
Because it is brief, short and in writing it's difficult to decipher her intentions or what it means. I however would be prepared for all scenarios. She could ..
  • Be optimistic about getting things on a good foot again.
  • Could be getting ready to "show you who's boss"
  • Could be preparing to give you a termination notice

If she is willing to talk about what happened in a positive, calm and collected way I would try to work it out with the understanding that they need to communicate with you ... not yell at you, not show aggresion and not bottle it up. Communicate meaning like adults that have a respectful conversation. I also think that as Kim mentioned, you should schedule the meeting at a time when your DH is present.

If her intent ends up being to take control over the matter and attempt to try to tell you how it works the important thing is to remember to stay calm no matter how they act or what they say. I would start the conversation with boundaries and rules.

"I'm glad that we could finally sit down and talk. Before we start I'd like to set some boundaries. Let's keep things respectful and stay calm. If at any time things get emotional it would be best to end the conversation there and then continue the conversation at another time. Agreed?"

I would then let them begin to see what they say, their intentions will then be very clear. I would let them talk first and if neessary I would make brief notes about things that I wanted to address or correct as well. I would not start talking until they were done.

Keep a few things in mind during this conversation:

This is your business and they cannot tell you how to run it. If they make requests of you do not give them an immediate answer. Wait until you can think about it some (or ask us on the forum about it ) before you give them an answer. Sometimes providers make immediate decisions that they later regret because they are nervous or feel pressured. Don't put yourself in that position. Let them know that you will think about their requests and that you'll let them know in a few days.

If they tell you that they feel like you can't do your "job" properly then ask them to elaborate ... don't get deffensive.
DCP: You aren't doing your job.
YOU: Okay. Can you explain why you feel that way and give me examples?
DCP: You had us pick DCG up the other day because she was crying.
YOU: I'm sorry you feel like that but that is not what happened. Here is a copy of the text message that I sent to your DH word for word (pull out a word for word typed copy of the message you sent). I was communicating with you that DCG was having a difficult time which was out of the realm of typical crying for a child her age and of her typical behavior. I then asked for you to call me. Instead, DCD came to pick her up which was not necessary. Had I spoken to you instead I could have explained the situation but I was not given the opportunity to do so. Any other reason why you feel like I am not doing my job?
DCP: You didn't take over when I dropped DCG off and she was crying
YOU: As I explained in the email that I send you (pull out a copy of the email and place it in front of them) expecting for me to know to step in for you at that time is unlike anything that I normally do here at daycare even for you and I was unaware because it has never been communicated to me and it is even out of the norm of what any of my clients expect of me. In fact, they expect the opposite. If you wished for me to do this differently all you needed to do was let me know and I am more than happy to accomodate this.
Is there more?

It's important to address one issue at a time, let them talk, you respond and then quickly move on to the next issue by not allowing them to argue your point with you. You give them the opportunity to talk, you talk and then move on. Otherwise you'll just round and around in circles while they debate your answers.

Don't let them justify their rude, passive aggresive or aggressive actions on you. You are not a mind reader and unless they tell you that something is wrong you will not automatically know how address it. At no time did you BEHAVE INNAPROPRIATELY WITH THEM even after both the DCD and the DCM treated you with hostility and disrespect.
DCP: Well if you had ... then I would not have ...
You: At no time was I made aware that there was even an issue and I did nothing to warrant aggression or disrespect from either of you. Even after I was treated unfairly, because I did not know what was going on, by your husband I was nothing more than polite and professional to him. The same goes after you raised your voice at your DD when you expected me to step in for you when I have never done so in the past did I treat you in any direspectful way. I have never yelled, acted innapropriately or slammed a door in response to either of your actions. Even now I sit here calmly to discuss these issues with you and hold no feelings of resentment or hostility towards you. I have done nothing wrong.

Be firm, be fair, be strong.

Don't expect an apology and be okay with the idea that they more than likely will not give you one. Just let it go.

Depending on what your contract and policies say I'd have 3 notices already drawn up and I'd expect that at the end of the conversation they will have one of them handed to them.
  1. An probationary agreement stating that all grievances will be discussed calmly and respectfully from this moment forward and that all parties will from this point on will be treated with dignity and respect.
  2. A 2 week termination notice just in case it seemed to me after the end of the conversation that there may not be a way to continue to work with them or if they mention that they think that it's time to find alternative child care arrangements. This is sometimes used as a scare tactic to try to bluff providers into sucumbing to the client. I would not tolerate that and would give them my own 2 week notice if they even mention it, and I'd agree with them that it's probably for the best. You may or may not get this look depending on whether they were serious or not.
  3. A notice of immediate termination. Just in case they raised their voices, attempted to control the comversation or showed no real attempt of trying to resolve the issue. For example, if their only intent was to try to get their point across in a disrespectful manner and if they expected you to just "take it"

Good luck, please keep us posted.
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:32 PM
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Ok mom apologized but also said I really should be trying to help DCG transition. (So not a real apology, more like, "I'm sorry I behaved badly but It was kind of your fault".) She was still mad about the phone call to dad about DCG being upset, which I then told her exactly what the message said and that I did not ask dad to come get DCG and he would have known that if he called like I asked. Now they will not be brining new baby, she will be putting her in the daycare inside her office so she can nurse, she claims this was in the works before the outburst this morning and that it has nothing to do with me. She asked for her deposit back and I told her no. She said she figured that and understood. I will have DCG for 2 months then she will be going to preschool.

This saves me the headache of hiring someone on the one day per week I would have had the baby, it would have cost me $80 for the employee to cover for the $63 I would make to care for their baby, but I would've had to do it for when my baby is here due to licensing ratios. My baby would've made 3 babies on Thursdays, so I'm actually making $17 more that day and i keep their deposit, since their choosing to forfeit it. Now hopefully no more issues from them for the next 8 weeks (7 if you count my vacation in may)
I was typing while you posted. Glad that things turned out for the better and at least things are more positive.

It makes sense to me that she would want to have her baby in a daycare at her office so that she could nurse. If I had that option and I was working in an office I'd take that option as well, don't take it personal. May be they were thinking about it before but it was a little more expensive to keep the baby at her work??? But after this whole thing they were more inclined to do it ??? Who knows and it doesn't really matter. If you were going to lose money by taking the infant then it would have been a bad business move on your part anyway.

As far as the other child, well you were going to lose her to preschool anyway so in any case that was coming. I'm glad that things are working out for the better.
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
Ok mom apologized but also said I really should be trying to help DCG transition. (So not a real apology, more like, "I'm sorry I behaved badly but It was kind of your fault".) She was still mad about the phone call to dad about DCG being upset, which I then told her exactly what the message said and that I did not ask dad to come get DCG and he would have known that if he called like I asked. Now they will not be brining new baby, she will be putting her in the daycare inside her office so she can nurse, she claims this was in the works before the outburst this morning and that it has nothing to do with me. She asked for her deposit back and I told her no. She said she figured that and understood. I will have DCG for 2 months then she will be going to preschool.

This saves me the headache of hiring someone on the one day per week I would have had the baby, it would have cost me $80 for the employee to cover for the $63 I would make to care for their baby, but I would've had to do it for when my baby is here due to licensing ratios. My baby would've made 3 babies on Thursdays, so I'm actually making $17 more that day and i keep their deposit, since their choosing to forfeit it. Now hopefully no more issues from them for the next 8 weeks (7 if you count my vacation in may)
You are helping her transition by keeping things exactly the same at her daycare. That is how it's supposed to be done. Oh brother! Good riddance to them in 8 weeks.
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:52 PM
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I think you will be better off without them in two months, so I am glad it worked out for you! I also think that this was probably their plan all along, and they were looking for a reason to blame you rather than just admitting they were switching daycare.

As far as the advice to be lind and understand her feelings after having a new baby ~ I totally understand why you would be given that advice, as most of us on here are kind people by nature. That being said, I 100% disagree that we need to let other people treat us badly because something in their life is causing stress. Their problems and stress do NOT need to become your problems and stress. You are a person, and deserve to be treated like the IMPORTANT person you are to their family. You care for their child!!!!!

I am very happy this is going to work out well for you in the end. Good Riddance!!!!
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Old 04-23-2013, 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by EntropyControlSpecialist View Post
You are helping her transition by keeping things exactly the same at her daycare. That is how it's supposed to be done. Oh brother! Good riddance to them in 8 weeks.
I agree and though about the same thing.

Unless th child has screamed and yelled on a regular basis during the time that she has already been enrolled at daycare (how long again has she been in your daycare BTW) the only thing that has changed is that there is a new baby in their family (unless other changes have occurred at daycare or at home) and so if the only change was the new baby it seems to me like this needs to be addressed at home not at daycare. Nothing that the provider does at daycare will change what is happening at home.
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Old 04-23-2013, 04:05 PM
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I feel bad for the OP. But I feel very bad for the little girl. A dcg I once had.....she was.almost 3, a real sweety, never any problems. Her baby brother.was born, and she too.was dropped off the next day at my daycare center. Poor girl, cried a lot, was very upset about the "tubes and hoses" she saw on her mommy. (IV), the "wires all over baby" (monitors) and the.scary masks.the hospital staff wore. Her brother was in a "scary box" with "really bright lights" (incubator. She was pretty much traumatized. She was sad "baby hurt mommy". And she was.sad when daddy cried. This normally well adjusted girl was a wreck for two weeks solid.

I know you are upset with the parents. They acted rudely and inappropriately. They should.apologize. But.......I think they need just a little sympathy and patience. And try to remember, its about the little girl......she is obviously a tad scared, confused and unsure.

On a personal note.....my oldest was 9 when his baby brother.was . He cried and cried when he.saw me in the hospital. The tubes and hoses and beeping machines and masked staff.upset him too.....and he was NINE.

Patience, kindness and understanding always pay off. It may seem like a hard thing to show them right now, but when these new parents get their heads screwed back on right, I hope they will realize they behaved badly.
Kinda makes you consider putting in your contract something about DCKs not coming in soon after the birth of a sibling (like a mental health day/week) so they can start bonding and adjust to the new baby a bit, in addition to being a part of a special family moment. But at the same time I could see how the parents would rather take the older child to daycare so they can focus on the mom's recovery and the baby's health. At the same time it helps that the older child sticks to their normal routine so everything is not too much of a change in one day. A bit of a catch 22 either way.
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Old 04-23-2013, 04:14 PM
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Kinda makes you consider putting in your contract something about DCKs not coming in soon after the birth of a sibling (like a mental health day/week) so they can start bonding and adjust to the new baby a bit, in addition to being a part of a special family moment. But at the same time I could see how the parents would rather take the older child to daycare so they can focus on the mom's recovery and the baby's health. At the same time it helps that the older child sticks to their normal routine so everything is not too much of a change in one day. A bit of a catch 22 either way.
I've had several children still come here the day their sibling is born and the following days. Nothing in their routine changed and they were just fine. In fact, two of them just had siblings (one 5 months ago and one two weeks ago). This has nothing to do with the actual sibling and seems to have MORE to do with how the parents are parenting/not parenting. Can't force parenting to happen...
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Old 04-23-2013, 05:11 PM
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One of my dcf's just had a baby a week ago and their son (2 years) stayed home the day after, but has been here full schedule ever since. Not only the days he comes, but the hours. Would be nice instead of picking up after 5 to picking up maybe at 4, but what can ya do. He's not having any problems. Sounds like this mother is just being a pain. I wouldn't allow her to dictate to you how it's going to go, I would tell her that if the child is going to throw a fit then you will meet her at the door and take the dcg from her. Don't even let her in the house.
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Old 04-23-2013, 11:15 PM
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Ok mom apologized but also said I really should be trying to help DCG transition. (So not a real apology, more like, "I'm sorry I behaved badly but It was kind of your fault".) She was still mad about the phone call to dad about DCG being upset, which I then told her exactly what the message said and that I did not ask dad to come get DCG and he would have known that if he called like I asked. Now they will not be brining new baby, she will be putting her in the daycare inside her office so she can nurse, she claims this was in the works before the outburst this morning and that it has nothing to do with me. She asked for her deposit back and I told her no. She said she figured that and understood. I will have DCG for 2 months then she will be going to preschool.

This saves me the headache of hiring someone on the one day per week I would have had the baby, it would have cost me $80 for the employee to cover for the $63 I would make to care for their baby, but I would've had to do it for when my baby is here due to licensing ratios. My baby would've made 3 babies on Thursdays, so I'm actually making $17 more that day and i keep their deposit, since their choosing to forfeit it. Now hopefully no more issues from them for the next 8 weeks (7 if you count my vacation in may)
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Old 04-24-2013, 05:03 AM
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Yesterday at drop off DCM was fine and acted like she always does. But then this morning at drop off when she came in I was sitting with another child while they ate breakfast. DCG started screaming and DCM started try to calm her, but then got very frustrated and started handling the behavior in a very angry way. After a few minutes the mom said "this is not my job to calm you down",
Hold on.. Whoa! If Mama is present then it IS her job to control her child. Stop apologizing - you have done nothing wrong except letting these people walk all over you!

Cranky and tired with a newborn or not, that call back should have included an apology. Time to draw up their walking papers.

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It's not her job? I beg to differ. HER child, HER job. Period. I don't care who's house she's in. This Mom is downright disrespectful, and you're giving her WAAAAAAAAAY too much room to walk all over you. I don't care if she just had ten babies, that is no excuse to treat you that way.

Please, please, PLEASE do me a favor and never apologize to this family ever again. Seriously. If anything, DCM owes YOU a big apology!

I'm going to jump on the "term" wagon here.
Still reading I had to post after that last one I quoted. Now I will say.. what she said!! ^
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Old 04-24-2013, 05:08 AM
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Ahh - I see they are not putting baby with you now so basically using up the money that they already gave you. Please do not let them push you around until the end of May. If they are rude and disrespectful again, say bye, bye.

It amazes me how some people can be so controlling of adults and not their own children.
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  #90  
Old 07-30-2013, 09:45 PM
lisawatsonis lisawatsonis is offline
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Remind them that you are the daycare provider not the parent. When a child screams out of emotional or physical pain it's your responsibility to call the parents so they can decide how they are going to proceed. It's also your right as a human being to not have to listen to outright screaming for hrs of your day. Not to mention the other daycare children's emotional health having to hear it for prolonged amounts of time.

ps shouldn't the little one be a part of new baby time at the hospital with mom and dad?
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