Giving A Parent Unsolicited Advice?

[drseuss]

I have a dcg 2.5 that has been here for about a year. She has always had a strong personality, and been a bit of a handful. Nothing out of the ordinary or even stressful. She behaves quite well for me. Her mom gets the very short end of the stick in that department, IMO because she lets her dd walk all over her. The mom even admits that everyone in the house (mom, dad and two older brothers) have to listen to and comply with little girl's orders. Pick up time, as you would imagine, is a nightmare. I have opened my mouth a couple of times to help mom get her daughter in line a bit, but I know exactly what goes on when they walk out the door. Daughter wreaks havoc on household. It's always, "She 'wouldn't' do such and such, so I just let it go."

I would really like to offer this mom some insight and some help. The thing is, she is very difficult to read and I don't know how she might take it. Part of me thinks that she is silently begging for help, the other part thinks that she is such a ******** defeatist that nothing I do or say will matter.

Would you offer her advice on this? I don't want to be overly-militant about it, but things need to change, for me at pickup time, and for the family every day.

[drseuss]

Does this program always replace words with asterisks? That is supposed to say h a r d c o r e.

[Cat Herder]

Originally Posted by drseuss

Does this program always replace words with asterisks? That is supposed to say h a r d c o r e.

Type in pineapple s p e a r s ..... ******

Maybe instead of offering her advice for what may help at home you could simply tell her what you NEED her to do at pickup? That way it is not quite as "unsolicited" and may lead to her asking for suggestions.

[NeedaVaca]

I wouldn't continue to let pickups get out of hand. Hand off at the door and let mom know it's becoming too disruptive.

As far as offering advice for home-no I wouldn't necessarily bring it up. However, if there was a conversation that happened on it's own you might have an opening. I tell parents how great DCK's are and often hear Really? They sure aren't like that at home! That would be a good opening to say well if you are interested in techniques I use, etc etc I would be happy to sit down with you to see if we can't get DCG on the same page at your house

[drseuss]

Originally Posted by NeedaVaca

I wouldn't continue to let pickups get out of hand. Hand off at the door and let mom know it's becoming too disruptive.

As far as offering advice for home-no I wouldn't necessarily bring it up. However, if there was a conversation that happened on it's own you might have an opening. I tell parents how great DCK's are and often hear Really? They sure aren't like that at home! That would be a good opening to say well if you are interested in techniques I use, etc etc I would be happy to sit down with you to see if we can't get DCG on the same page at your house

That conversational approach makes sense.

[drseuss]

One other thing I don't really get...the whole buh-bye outside thing. I have an open-door policy. I can't imagine telling a parent they cannot come in or have access to the daycare. Is this a common approach to pickup time troubles? And have any of you had parents flip their lids about it?

[Blackcat31]

Originally Posted by drseuss

One other thing I don't really get...the whole buh-bye outside thing. I have an open-door policy. I can't imagine telling a parent they cannot come in or have access to the daycare. Is this a common approach to pickup time troubles? And have any of you had parents flip their lids about it?

The "Buh-bye outside" approach is for parents who refuse to take control or responsibility for their children and their children's behaviors IMHO.

I can't imagine a parent having the nerve to flip their lid about THEIR child or themselves behaving badly and me not wanting to be part of it.

NO WAY would I allow a parent like you described to have that kind of effect on my family in my home, even if it was only at pick up or drop off time.

If that mom and all the other family members want to allow a child to be the boss in their home, they are MORE than welcome. To each his own.

But I don't have to deal with it and I don't have to subject anyone else to dealing with the fallout of what I consider bad or lazy parenting.

I know that some providers have used the "Buh-Bye outside" approach for other situations but in my eyes, it is best used for parents who have no clue how to parent and using the "Buh-Bye outside" method makes every thing connected to that bad parenting style happen outside on THEIR time not inside on MINE. Other than happening physically on my steps.

[lovemykidstoo]

I have done the buh bye outside a few times. Typically I've had good kids and then all of a sudden they turn into nightmares at drop off. After about a week of screaming, crying, clinging to parent I will say, time for the "football pass" I call it. Which is same technique. I say, I've done this before, it works, it only takes about a week. I open the door, you pass me your son/daughter and I close the door. Works every time!

[daycare]

Originally Posted by drseuss

One other thing I don't really get...the whole buh-bye outside thing. I have an open-door policy. I can't imagine telling a parent they cannot come in or have access to the daycare. Is this a common approach to pickup time troubles? And have any of you had parents flip their lids about it?

basically you will have to do what works for you at your house. parents are always going to do what works for them. While I also have an open door policy, if a parent is not PARENTING their child at pick up, backing my rules and taking control, then I have no choice but to do it for them.

I would let the dcm know that PU is an issue. Tell her why. Tell her it is distracting and that when the DCM does not back YOUR rules she is letting the child know that they don't have to follow them or respect them.

I have had families on the BBOS program. The DCM was not taking control of the child, the child broke my chandelier with a golf ball that mom had in her purse. After making DCM pay for the replacement I told her that since she was not taking control that I could not have PU take place in the house. It was H E L L for them when it started rainy season. I eventually termed this family because the mother was just like the one you have. The child made the rules and that was final...

[Play Care]

Originally Posted by drseuss

One other thing I don't really get...the whole buh-bye outside thing. I have an open-door policy. I can't imagine telling a parent they cannot come in or have access to the daycare. Is this a common approach to pickup time troubles? And have any of you had parents flip their lids about it?

I have an open door policy AND I have done outside BUH-bye if the situation warrants it. I don't think doing the outside BUH bye for a time negates the open door. I would approach the parents and say "dcp's it seems dck is having a difficult time with pick ups. Because I want it minimize any upset for dck, I want you to text/ call me when you are a few minutes away. I will get dck ready and have her out the door for you. We can see if this seems to ease the transition." So no one has ever flipped - but notice I don't ask either
The parent is not my boss, their child certainly isn't my boss. It's not my job to watch the afternoon pick up drama each day because the parent doesn't want to parent. If a parent were to flip their lid, I would terminate care.

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by drseuss

One other thing I don't really get...the whole buh-bye outside thing. I have an open-door policy. I can't imagine telling a parent they cannot come in or have access to the daycare. Is this a common approach to pickup time troubles? And have any of you had parents flip their lids about it?

The Dynamic Of Bad Behavior in DaycareDaycare.com Presents
https://www.daycare.com/nannyde/the-...in-daycare.htm

This is the article to explain the "buh bye outside" technique.

Welcome to Daycare.com

[daycare]

Nan i just wanna pinch you, you're so cute. Glad to see you posting again.

[spud912]

I honestly don't give advice for at home unless it's affecting how things run at daycare. For example, I will encourage parents to help me at home with teaching their child manners if I've seen little to no improvement over several months at daycare and the child repeatedly has very poor manners. Another example would be if the child is having a lot of problems with being very sleepy and grumpy at daycare and I find out that the parent(s) are letting their child stay up all hours of the night. In that case, I will encourage the parents to establish a better bedtime routine.

Otherwise, I ensure that the children are under my control when they are in my house. I have no problems disciplining children in front of their parents to get them under control. I have also been known to walk away from a parent who "can't get" their child to put their shoes on and magically the parents are able to manage one way or another.

[cheerfuldom]

No. Do not give parents advice unless they ask for it. Do not try to solve other people's problems. As long as the behavior is not disruptive at daycare, I don't talk to the parents about anything unless they ask. I also would suggest bye bye outside. That is what I do with 95% of my drop offs and pickups and yes, it is more work in some ways to have the kids ready and be right there at the door but you would not believe the amount of issues it solves.

[drseuss]

Originally Posted by cheerfuldom

No. Do not give parents advice unless they ask for it. Do not try to solve other people's problems. As long as the behavior is not disruptive at daycare, I don't talk to the parents about anything unless they ask. I also would suggest bye bye outside. That is what I do with 95% of my drop offs and pickups and yes, it is more work in some ways to have the kids ready and be right there at the door but you would not believe the amount of issues it solves.

Bam. Always trying to solve others' problems. Must STOP! I did have a chat with dcg today about how I expect her to behave when her mother picks her up. Much to my surprise, she was a perfect angel! I told her 'I like the way you behaved today' and told her mom that we'd had a talk about behaving at pick up time. I think mom was pretty relieved. We'll see how tomorrow goes!

[drseuss]

Originally Posted by nannyde

The Dynamic Of Bad Behavior in DaycareDaycare.com Presents
https://www.daycare.com/nannyde/the-...in-daycare.htm

This is the article to explain the "buh bye outside" technique.

Welcome to Daycare.com

Thanks for the link. Good article! I'll give this approach a try if I need to. Do you explain the technique to the parents before you implement it with them?

[nannyde]

Originally Posted by drseuss

Thanks for the link. Good article! I'll give this approach a try if I need to. Do you explain the technique to the parents before you implement it with them?

Yes. I explain the part where it stresses the child to have both me and the parent caring for him at the same time.