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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>The Boy And The Pink Dress
Sugar Magnolia 10:57 AM 05-12-2011
I have a 4 year old boy who attends my center. He has always liked dolls and playing kitchen and dress up, which is fine. But about a month ago, we got a new set of dress up clothes including: police, firefighter, medical worker, construction worker. We also got some "fantasy clothes" including a knight and a princess outfit. He was immediately interested in the pink princess dress, and of course I let him try it out. His interest has become an obsession though. He wants it the second he arrives. I let him wear it saying "you have a half hour to play dress up, then you have to give someone else a turn." This worked for awhile. Now he gets upset when I ask him to take it off, and then sulks for quite some time after he takes it off. He gets angry if one of the girls puts it on. "That's my princess dress! You don't touch it!" Of course, I don't allow him to claim 'ownership' of the dress. Lately he says things like "I am a girl, I will be a girl when I grow up, I am NOT a boy." He calls all people "she" or "her". The other kids hear him say this, and they laugh. They also say things like "boys don't wear dresses" and he gets upset. I tell them to "be nice, he is just pretending." And other parents come in the morning and look at me like "why are you allowing this?!?". This dress makes the boy feel secure and happy, but his attachment to it creates problems with the other kids. I can see why. My job and mantra is to "be fair and share". I have discussed with mom, she encourages it at home by allowing him to wear her dresses, makeup, etc, but then expresses her frustration with this all-things-girly obsession too. Should I:
A. Disappear the dress, say it needs 'fixed' and see if he forgets about it?
B. Allow him to wear the dress without restriction because he has emotional issues and this calms him.
C. Restrict dress wearing time and insist he share with the girls.
D. Something else?????
I dunno. My gut says "c" but I am torn. His parents are divorcing and I just want him to feel safe, secure and loved, but I also know its not fair to the girls that also like the dress. WWYD??
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jen 11:02 AM 05-12-2011
Does his mom have a dress she can let him wear to daycare? Perhaps if he is allowed unfettered access to a dress, he'll get board of it soon enough.
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laundrymom 11:04 AM 05-12-2011
Id treat the dress just as any other toy that became an issue, it would go away until it wasnt an issue,.. same as a car, truck, board game or anything else. Has nothing to do with the traditional gender use of the item.

Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
I have a 4 year old boy who attends my center. He has always liked dolls and playing kitchen and dress up, which is fine. But about a month ago, we got a new set of dress up clothes including: police, firefighter, medical worker, construction worker. We also got some "fantasy clothes" including a knight and a princess outfit. He was immediately interested in the pink princess dress, and of course I let him try it out. His interest has become an obsession though. He wants it the second he arrives. I let him wear it saying "you have a half hour to play dress up, then you have to give someone else a turn." This worked for awhile. Now he gets upset when I ask him to take it off, and then sulks for quite some time after he takes it off. He gets angry if one of the girls puts it on. "That's my princess dress! You don't touch it!" Of course, I don't allow him to claim 'ownership' of the dress. Lately he says things like "I am a girl, I will be a girl when I grow up, I am NOT a boy." He calls all people "she" or "her". The other kids hear him say this, and they laugh. They also say things like "boys don't wear dresses" and he gets upset. I tell them to "be nice, he is just pretending." And other parents come in the morning and look at me like "why are you allowing this?!?". This dress makes the boy feel secure and happy, but his attachment to it creates problems with the other kids. I can see why. My job and mantra is to "be fair and share". I have discussed with mom, she encourages it at home by allowing him to wear her dresses, makeup, etc, but then expresses her frustration with this all-things-girly obsession too. Should I:
A. Disappear the dress, say it needs 'fixed' and see if he forgets about it?
B. Allow him to wear the dress without restriction because he has emotional issues and this calms him.
C. Restrict dress wearing time and insist he share with the girls.
D. Something else?????
I dunno. My gut says "c" but I am torn. His parents are divorcing and I just want him to feel safe, secure and loved, but I also know its not fair to the girls that also like the dress. WWYD??

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nannyde 11:06 AM 05-12-2011
Boy or girl, I wouldn't allow claiming of any toy.

A) I would nix the dress completely and tell him to go play toys.

If a kid fixates on something here and that something is the measure of their minute to minute happiness it gets put up.
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Sugar Magnolia 11:10 AM 05-12-2011
Jen, she does NOT want him wearing dresses to school. She is clearly embarassed, yet encourages it at home. I am also afraid of teasing if I allowed this. They are just kids and "only girls wear dresses" is hard enough to answer as it is....
But your idea has merit, and I appreciate your input!
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Sugar Magnolia 11:18 AM 05-12-2011
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Boy or girl, I wouldn't allow claiming of any toy.

A) I would nix the dress completely and tell him to go play toys.

If a kid fixates on something here and that something is the measure of their minute to minute happiness it gets put up.
Normally, I would 100 percent agree, that has always been the policy here. No claiming, all sharing. But this boy seems to have a deeper-seated issue and maybe its best to get a psycologist involved? And it seems to unfairly punish the girls who play normal and nice with the dress.... I am totally at a loss. My gut agrees with you, but I am still torn.
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youretooloud 11:20 AM 05-12-2011
We have a few kids who have claimed stuffed toys as their own. I don't mind that.

But, the dress would either go into seclusion for a while, or I'd let the other kids have turns first and let him wear it a long time if the other kids don't want a turn.

If he just can't get over the "it's mine" issue, I'd just take the dress away from everybody. I don't want that stress, the kids don't need the stress and crying.
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PitterPatter 11:21 AM 05-12-2011
Maybe find a kilt on ebay or something to appease the Mom a little? Maybe he would become attached to that and the girls can have the dress back. Other than that if the sharing won't work I would have it disappear for a while if there are other play clothes for them. If it got torn u would have to do the same thing anyway so make it a part of pretend.
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daycare 11:22 AM 05-12-2011
I agree with this...treat it just like any other toy! and good for you for letting this child validate how he feels.....

I say c
and then if it still becomes an issue, I would nix it... I have had to remove toys from the DC area when the kids keep fighting over it
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Sugar Magnolia 11:27 AM 05-12-2011
Liking the kilt idea!!!!
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nannyde 11:27 AM 05-12-2011
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
Normally, I would 100 percent agree, that has always been the policy here. No claiming, all sharing. But this boy seems to have a deeper-seated issue and maybe its best to get a psycologist involved? And it seems to unfairly punish the girls who play normal and nice with the dress.... I am totally at a loss. My gut agrees with you, but I am still torn.
If he has deeper issues it can't be solved by a pink dress. If he has deeper issues it's time to for them to rise to the surface and not have an "invisibility" cloak over them like the fixation and energy going to the pink dress.

The girls could go their whole life and never have a pink play dress at day care and turn out fine.

Put it up and see what he does next.
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countrymom 11:32 AM 05-12-2011
I would get rid of the dress for a while. I do allow children to express themselves (I never let their fathers know, that would be horrible) but I've never had one in love with girls dresses. I think mom needs to stop too, she's not helping the situation.
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Sugar Magnolia 11:38 AM 05-12-2011
I think will put it up after school today and see what happens tomorrow. Thank you Nannyde If it goes horribly wrong tomorrow, I will request a parent conference so we can reach an agreement. If I nix the dress at school, shouldn't I ask her to nix the dresses and nail polish at home though too?? Doesn't he need some consistency of rules? Why should she dress him up and then let me deal with "no" at school? The dress IS going to disappear, I just don't want to harm him psychologically.....
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Meyou 11:51 AM 05-12-2011
I'd put the dress away just like any toy that was a fixation or a source or arguments.
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kcnjason 12:45 PM 05-12-2011
I have the SAME EXACT thing at my daycare. He is 4 years old and prefers girl stuff. I would treat the dress as any other toy. Our dcb is the only and the other are all girls. He is more into the girls attire than the girls' themselves. He is determined he is a girl, he is going back in his moms belly and he will come out a girl and if he doesn't, he believe he WILL turn into a girl soon. There are obviously underlying issues there, which are not of my concern. I am not the parent, he is not my family, I just care for him during the work hours. They need to be treated as we treat everyone else. I accept him for who he is. He asks to have his nails painted, I paint them. He wants to wear high heels, I let him. If we go to the park, he wants to take a play purse, I let him. He is who he is, I can't change him. It's what he is interested in. Leave it in the parents' hands if they do not want him to wear "girl" attire. We can only do so much. My dcb does get teased by the girls, he does not care. His parent allow it, so I will not deny it. It is very hard, but these children are confused for some reason. It could be that they really admire their mother, or some woman figure in their life. I feel that it's out of my hands and if the parents allow it at home, I will not deny him of it at my place. All of my dcp know how he is, we all chuckle but know "he is who he is". Good luck with that but definately treat it as any other toy.
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nannyde 12:49 PM 05-12-2011
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
I think will put it up after school today and see what happens tomorrow. Thank you Nannyde If it goes horribly wrong tomorrow, I will request a parent conference so we can reach an agreement. If I nix the dress at school, shouldn't I ask her to nix the dresses and nail polish at home though too?? Doesn't he need some consistency of rules? Why should she dress him up and then let me deal with "no" at school? The dress IS going to disappear, I just don't want to harm him psychologically.....
What happens at home... stays at home.

Say it with me ya'll

I wouldn't even talk about home to her. I could care less what they do there. I just want them to be good here and go play toys.

If he won't play toys then THAT'S the problem. I would want him to enjoy the wonderful world of toys and he can't if he only does one toy.

Word of warning though... I've never had anything like this... BUT I do believe in allowing kids to be who they really are. My concern isn't him being in a pink dress it's that the pink dress consumes him.

He could come with painted nails... dresses... hair in a pony and a minnie mouse bow as far as I'm concerned... as long as he can go play.. nice to his mates... eats and sleeps well... we are all good.
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Country Kids 12:50 PM 05-12-2011
OK here is what I see. Mom has no problem at home but out in public yes. She wants him to be a boy in public, but a girl in private at home. I would say the mom has the problem not the child. Is he an only child and if so did mom want a little girl and not a little boy so she has him be the little girl as long as they are at home. Is there a dad involved? I have heard of little boys wanting to wear dresses but never the parents incouraging the full thing-nail polish, make-up, etc. I think the mom has something to do with this.
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daycare 12:58 PM 05-12-2011
my family is very interesting....lol

first of I am not saying that there is anything wrong with what this child is doing, or that it labels him in anyway...I am just telling a story and don't want to flamed for it..

Ok so, I have several gay people in my family. On both sides Mom and Dad.

One of my cousins was exactly like this little boy when he was growing up. He would dress like a girl, even one time he came to our house to spend the night and he wet the bed. Well his mom didnt pack extra underware, so he had to borrow mine. After that day, he always wanted to wear pink ruffel underware... His parents refused...
One his 4th birthday he blew out the candles on his bday cake. When someone asked him what he wished for, he said he wished he was a girl. I even remember him asking my mom "when do you get to decide if you are goign to be a boy or a girl?"

the bad part about all of this, is that no one would except him for who he was. They were always trying to stop him or tell him that it was wrong, boys don't do that.
Years go by and he is about 18 at the time. He finally comes out at a christams family party. kinda strange place to do it, but whatever... Anyways, I talked to him in detail and he told me if he could wish for one thing is that someone stopped to validate his feelings and actions when he was growing up. He hated himself for so many years because he always felt WRONG. That's because everyone told him that the way he felt and acted was wrong...

Anyways, I think that it is great that you are allowing this child to feel and be himself as well as excepting him for who he is. I am not saying in any way that this child is going to grow up and come out of the closet, but you never know. This is why its so important to validate a childs feelings.....

ok ill stop babbling....hahah
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Unregistered 01:28 PM 05-12-2011
I'm sorry, I don't agree with any of this, someone needs to tell him he's a boy and boys are awesome. Maybe his dad is violent or not around, maybe girls in the family get more attention, but this is so sad to me.
I have 3 boys and 3 girls and I was an awesome example of how to be feminine for my girls and my husband was an awesome example to my boys. They are all very successful and well adjusted.
This poor kid needs a mentor or redirection.
flame me if you want but I am right.
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SilverSabre25 01:50 PM 05-12-2011
I agree with everyone who said to just put the dress away and see where it goes (but give him a week or so to adjust)...maybe even put ALL the dress-up stuff away for awhile, to take the attention off the boy in question. My reasoning is the same as others...to treat it the same as any other toy that is being fixated on.

BUT...

I do want to add that the preschool years (3-5) are the age where gender identity/gender roles/gender (gosh I forget the term...permanence?) are really being explored and comprehended. It's very common for preschool boys to like pink and dresses and say they want to be girls; it's very common for preschool girls to say that they are going to be boys when they grow up. Preschoolers are starting to understand that gender is a permanent thing--that they aren't magically going to turn into the opposite gender, that wearing a dress doesn't make you a girl or playing with trucks doesn't make you a boy. Exploration is common at this age.
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Country Kids 01:56 PM 05-12-2011
I still think its the mom wanting a little girl. Anyway, I have always seen, heard little boys that want to be girls when they grow up, dress girly, etc. I have never seen or heard a little girls say they want to be a boy. I was a tomboy when I was little but still loved dresses, looking like a little girl but wasn't afraid of getting dirty. Why is it always the little boys wanting to be girls not the girls wanting to be boys?
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missnikki 02:38 PM 05-12-2011
How has no one said this yet:

Get enough dresses for everyone (thrift store, secondhand, garage sale...whatever) ?

You could then determine if it is a possession of THIS dress or just a chance to wear ANY dress thing.
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Lucy 02:41 PM 05-12-2011
Only read your question and none of the responses. I would go for option D (something else). I would buy a couple more dresses so everybody gets a turn.

The issue of whether this is a boy or girl is completely irrelevant to me. If another parent came in and gave me an inquisitive look, I'd just look at them with squinty eyes and shrugged shoulders and say, "what??" as if I have absolutely no clue what their question means. Intolerance like that makes me ill. (not talking about you, just in general)
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Sugar Magnolia 02:42 PM 05-12-2011
Originally Posted by missnikki:
How has no one said this yet:

Get enough dresses for everyone (thrift store, secondhand, garage sale...whatever) ?

You could then determine if it is a possession of THIS dress or just a chance to wear ANY dress thing.
We have several dresses. This dress, however, is the only PINK one. He only wants the pink one.
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Lucy 02:48 PM 05-12-2011
Originally Posted by daycare:
my family is very interesting....lol

first of I am not saying that there is anything wrong with what this child is doing, or that it labels him in anyway...I am just telling a story and don't want to flamed for it..

Ok so, I have several gay people in my family. On both sides Mom and Dad.

One of my cousins was exactly like this little boy when he was growing up. He would dress like a girl, even one time he came to our house to spend the night and he wet the bed. Well his mom didnt pack extra underware, so he had to borrow mine. After that day, he always wanted to wear pink ruffel underware... His parents refused...
One his 4th birthday he blew out the candles on his bday cake. When someone asked him what he wished for, he said he wished he was a girl. I even remember him asking my mom "when do you get to decide if you are goign to be a boy or a girl?"

the bad part about all of this, is that no one would except him for who he was. They were always trying to stop him or tell him that it was wrong, boys don't do that.
Years go by and he is about 18 at the time. He finally comes out at a christams family party. kinda strange place to do it, but whatever... Anyways, I talked to him in detail and he told me if he could wish for one thing is that someone stopped to validate his feelings and actions when he was growing up. He hated himself for so many years because he always felt WRONG. That's because everyone told him that the way he felt and acted was wrong...

Anyways, I think that it is great that you are allowing this child to feel and be himself as well as excepting him for who he is. I am not saying in any way that this child is going to grow up and come out of the closet, but you never know. This is why its so important to validate a childs feelings.....

ok ill stop babbling....hahah
Extremely well said. Thank you.
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Lucy 02:50 PM 05-12-2011
Originally Posted by missnikki:
How has no one said this yet:

Get enough dresses for everyone (thrift store, secondhand, garage sale...whatever) ?

You could then determine if it is a possession of THIS dress or just a chance to wear ANY dress thing.
I hadn't read your post when I said pretty much the same thing. I agree with you!
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missnikki 02:56 PM 05-12-2011
Hmmm. The PINK one. What if you had tshirts and as an activity, tye-died them (or decorated them) for when they play at your house? Then, they can individualize each one to their liking.
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Kaddidle Care 03:05 PM 05-12-2011
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
We have several dresses. This dress, however, is the only PINK one. He only wants the pink one.
I'm thinking he just plain really loves the color pink. And there are a lot of little boys that like the color pink. I'm betting he goes for the pink crayons and markers too.

You know what? It's time to "wash the dress up clothes" and let that be your reply if they are asked for. Summer is right around the bend and they'll be spending more time outdoors - put the dress up clothes away for a bit. Just like you rotate other toys. Don't let it stress you.

We had a pair of identical twin boys once and that was one of the ways we could tell one from the other - one loved to wear the little dresses!
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Sugar Magnolia 03:39 PM 05-12-2011
Originally Posted by missnikki:
Hmmm. The PINK one. What if you had tshirts and as an activity, tye-died them (or decorated them) for when they play at your house? Then, they can individualize each one to their liking.
I like this idea!
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kcnjason 03:59 PM 05-12-2011
I completely apologize....after I wrote a response and posted it and then went back and read what I wrote I realized that I had went out of the lines and blabbed about something you were not even concerned about. I think it would be great to put the dress up, I like the idea of washing, etc....I would give the kids heads up that you are going to be washing the dress up clothes and warn him in advance and then when he comes the next day remind him that they needed a wash. I guess I would just stand firm and tell him he needs to find something different to play with. It sounds like he's attached to that dress for some odd reason, rather he's the one that gets the "ONLY" pink dress or whatever. I would hope it was just a stage. Good luck!
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Sugar Magnolia 06:50 PM 05-12-2011
I have heard some GREAT ideas and some excellent feedback....(Except for the insensitive person who said this ",... someone needs to tell him he's a boy and boys are awesome. Maybe his dad is violent or not around, maybe girls in the family get more attention, but this is so sad to me.....This poor kid needs a mentor or redirection.
flame me if you want but I am right" .) That's lame, sorry.

This person is not right. All you wonderful providers have the best of intentions and I appreciate your thoughtful replies. After much thought, my husband and I decided to let him wear the dress, as we would let ANY child wear it, but NO "hogging" allowed, no matter what, sharing a MUST. And we will continue to neither encourage nor discourage his preferences. Consider this: It would be an outrage to tell a girl "don't wear that policeman outfit, cuz that's for boys. Girls don't wear that." So, he can wear the dress, WITHIN REASON. We have allowed him to wear it as he goes about his business of building, coloring, puzzles, etc, as we do all the kids, but I think a new rule is in order. "Dress up clothes stay in the quiet area. (This is where they always are stored anyways) If you want to do other things, you have to put dress up clothes away first." And enforce it. "No, Boy X, if you want to color, you have to take the pink dress off. I'm sorry its the rule. Dress up clothes stay out there. No, Girl X, you can't build with blocks until you put the nurse outfit away. Thank you, Boy Z, for putting the police outfit away before you do puzzles. DRESS UP CLOTHES OUT THERE in the quiet area PLEASE! Thanks! YAY good job guys!!!". If this particular boy has issues with the new rule, the dress MUST disappear, but will be replaced with a less attractive, green or blue dress. No fixations on ANY one dress!
I will let you know how it goes. Your comments are much appreciated, but BEGS a new question!!! Should ALL toys be 100 percent gender nuetral? But that's another thread! Lol! Thanks again, kind people!
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sharlan 07:23 PM 05-12-2011
I think you made the right decision. "IF" the pink dress continues to be an issue, I'd put it up for a few days as I do with all toys that cause fights. Right now I have a fish, sword, and boat vacationing on my fridge. They'll return on Monday.

This little boy is who he is, he will be what he will be.
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Live and Learn 07:24 PM 05-12-2011
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I'm sorry, I don't agree with any of this, someone needs to tell him he's a boy and boys are awesome. Maybe his dad is violent or not around, maybe girls in the family get more attention, but this is so sad to me.
I have 3 boys and 3 girls and I was an awesome example of how to be feminine for my girls and my husband was an awesome example to my boys. They are all very successful and well adjusted.
This poor kid needs a mentor or redirection.
flame me if you want but I am right.
YOU ARE NOT RIGHT!!!!

You just happened genetically to have produced only straight children. It speaks nothing to just how perfectly awesome you and your husband are at mentoring to your children.

So pitiful to be you with you narrow little mind!!!:

Next time if you want to make an inflammatory statement like yours at least have the backbone to be a member.
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SilverSabre25 08:16 PM 05-12-2011
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I'm sorry, I don't agree with any of this, someone needs to tell him he's a boy and boys are awesome. Maybe his dad is violent or not around, maybe girls in the family get more attention, but this is so sad to me.
I have 3 boys and 3 girls and I was an awesome example of how to be feminine for my girls and my husband was an awesome example to my boys. They are all very successful and well adjusted.
This poor kid needs a mentor or redirection.
flame me if you want but I am right.
Did you know that it was not that long ago that pink was considered masculine, and blue, feminine? And children ALL wore what amounted to dresses until they were 3 or so? Look at photographs from the 1800s/1900s (Anne of Green Gables era, for example) and you'll see lots of babies/toddlers in dresses....and they are NOT all girls!!!

Get over it. Clothes and colors do NOT make the gender, the gender identity, or the sexuality. Society make the first two, and genetics, the third.

And boys can be "well-adjusted" even if they wear dresses...adjustment has a lot more to do with having people in their lives who support them they way they are...who encourage them to be themselves, to express themselves, and to find their own way in the world.
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MamaBear 08:26 PM 05-12-2011
Originally Posted by Live and Learn:
YOU ARE NOT RIGHT!!!!

You just happened genetically to have produced only straight children. It speaks nothing to just how perfectly awesome you and your husband are at mentoring to your children.

So pitiful to be you with you narrow little mind!!!:

Next time if you want to make an inflammatory statement like yours at least have the backbone to be a member.
I LOVE IT! Perfectly said. Love the last sentence especially!
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Meeko 06:20 AM 05-13-2011
Originally Posted by Live and Learn:
YOU ARE NOT RIGHT!!!!

You just happened genetically to have produced only straight children. It speaks nothing to just how perfectly awesome you and your husband are at mentoring to your children.

So pitiful to be you with you narrow little mind!!!:

Next time if you want to make an inflammatory statement like yours at least have the backbone to be a member.
I wish there was a "like" button....like on Facebook!!! Thanks Live and Learn! You put into words what most of us were feeling.
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nannyde 06:33 AM 05-13-2011
Originally Posted by Sugar Magnolia:
I have heard some GREAT ideas and some excellent feedback....(Except for the insensitive person who said this ",... someone needs to tell him he's a boy and boys are awesome. Maybe his dad is violent or not around, maybe girls in the family get more attention, but this is so sad to me.....This poor kid needs a mentor or redirection.
flame me if you want but I am right" .) That's lame, sorry.

This person is not right. All you wonderful providers have the best of intentions and I appreciate your thoughtful replies. After much thought, my husband and I decided to let him wear the dress, as we would let ANY child wear it, but NO "hogging" allowed, no matter what, sharing a MUST. And we will continue to neither encourage nor discourage his preferences. Consider this: It would be an outrage to tell a girl "don't wear that policeman outfit, cuz that's for boys. Girls don't wear that." So, he can wear the dress, WITHIN REASON. We have allowed him to wear it as he goes about his business of building, coloring, puzzles, etc, as we do all the kids, but I think a new rule is in order. "Dress up clothes stay in the quiet area. (This is where they always are stored anyways) If you want to do other things, you have to put dress up clothes away first." And enforce it. "No, Boy X, if you want to color, you have to take the pink dress off. I'm sorry its the rule. Dress up clothes stay out there. No, Girl X, you can't build with blocks until you put the nurse outfit away. Thank you, Boy Z, for putting the police outfit away before you do puzzles. DRESS UP CLOTHES OUT THERE in the quiet area PLEASE! Thanks! YAY good job guys!!!". If this particular boy has issues with the new rule, the dress MUST disappear, but will be replaced with a less attractive, green or blue dress. No fixations on ANY one dress!
I will let you know how it goes. Your comments are much appreciated, but BEGS a new question!!! Should ALL toys be 100 percent gender nuetral? But that's another thread! Lol! Thanks again, kind people!
Hmmmm

Are you worried that if you don't leave it out for him that he's going to start tantruming to not come to your day care and influence the Mom that he shouldn't? Do you think just putting it up or away will end up putting his slot in jeopardy?
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Cat Herder 07:57 AM 05-13-2011
As usual, I agree with Nan. NO OBSESSING ALLOWED.

Whether it be a dress, blanket, football or a pacifier; allowing one object to effect whether this child can function within a group at all is not in his best interest.

Now for "Unregistered" an article came to mind from a few years back. It is worth a read. I also wanted to add that dressing someone in pink can NOT make them effeminate, just ask my mother.....

http://www.abc.net.au/unleashed/37278.html
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Sugar Magnolia 10:18 AM 05-13-2011
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Hmmmm

Are you worried that if you don't leave it out for him that he's going to start tantruming to not come to your day care and influence the Mom that he shouldn't? Do you think just putting it up or away will end up putting his slot in jeopardy?
No, not in the least worried about that.....they are perfectly happy here. Mom even thanks me for working with him on this issue. One of the reasons she signed up here was because we have my husband as a teacher. After her divorce, she wanted him to have positive male role models and a man in his life daily. So I am more than confident a tantrum over a dress would not even remotely be a reason to leave. I am happy to report:

There was no tantrum!!! Yay!!! So happy!!!! I sat him down when he came in and talked to him with mom present. I told him the dress up clothes stay in the quiet area and when he wants to do something else, he has to take it off. Oh I should really start a new post to tell the story.....brb!
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jojosmommy 10:21 AM 05-13-2011
What about putting the dress away just in the AM when he and the other kids arrive?

Once he has settled into something else bring out the dress and the other dress ups and choose children to play in that center. Make a class list or a can with sticks and choose names out. Then this child will understand he can still enjoy the item without claiming it as his own. His turn will come too. Seeing other children enjoying it and being emotionally ok with that is a skill that needs to be learned. Teach him some paitence too.

Maybe he is just obsessing over it b/c it gets him attention. He knows you are going to check in with him about taking it off, sharing it etc. Maybe he is seeking attention from mom and somehow she is giving him attention especially b/c you said she claims to not like it but lets him at home. Could he be doing it at school knowing she will allow him to do it only in private to get a reaction from her?
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Sugar Magnolia 11:06 AM 05-13-2011
Originally Posted by jojosmommy:
What about putting the dress away just in the AM when he and the other kids arrive?

Once he has settled into something else bring out the dress and the other dress ups and choose children to play in that center. Make a class list or a can with sticks and choose names out. Then this child will understand he can still enjoy the item without claiming it as his own. His turn will come too. Seeing other children enjoying it and being emotionally ok with that is a skill that needs to be learned. Teach him some paitence too.

Maybe he is just obsessing over it b/c it gets him attention. He knows you are going to check in with him about taking it off, sharing it etc. Maybe he is seeking attention from mom and somehow she is giving him attention especially b/c you said she claims to not like it but lets him at home. Could he be doing it at school knowing she will allow him to do it only in private to get a reaction from her?
See update thread! Limits seemed to work well! I do think what happens at home with mom fuels the dress obsession, you're so right, but that is beyond my control.
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Sugar Magnolia 11:17 AM 05-13-2011
Originally Posted by Catherder:
As usual, I agree with Nan. NO OBSESSING ALLOWED.

Whether it be a dress, blanket, football or a pacifier; allowing one object to effect whether this child can function within a group at all is not in his best interest.

Now for "Unregistered" an article came to mind from a few years back. It is worth a read. I also wanted to add that dressing someone in pink can NOT make them effeminate, just ask my mother.....

http://www.abc.net.au/unleashed/37278.html
Really liked the link! Thank you!
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Tags:4 year old, developmental - support, escalation, fixation, obsession, pink
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