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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>4 yr old DCB, Would You Do This.....
caregiver 03:42 PM 10-30-2013
I need your opinion or thoughts. I have a 4 yr old dcb, have had him since he was 3 1/2. When I started with him his parents said that he goes pee in the potty, but for some reason will ask and want to go poop in a diaper and they told me to put a diaper on him ( he wears regular underwear here) when he says he has to go poop. I thankfully have not had to do that here as he has not had to go poop here until this afternoon. I guess his parents say that he will hold it until night and then they put a diaper on him and then he goes poop in the diaper. I guess he holds it sometimes so long that he has gotten constipated and they have asked the Dr about it and the Dr said it is okay to keep doing the diaper thing and he will decide to go poop on his own on the potty. Now this dcb goes to preschool in the morning and comes here in the afternoon and they have to be potty trained to go, which he is for the pee part.

So this afternoon he said"put a diaper on me so I can go poop" I said NO, go on the potty, your 4 yrs old and need to go on the potty. Well, he kept trying to hold it and kept telling me to put a diaper on him so he could poop, which I did not as he is too old for a diaper to poop in. He has to learn to go on the potty! Well, I told Mom that when she picked him up and she said to put a diaper on him so he could poop. Sorry, he is 4 yrs old and needs to go on the toilet, so I didn't tell her no as she left in a hurry today as they had something going tonight, but would you do this ? I refuse to put a diaper on a 4 yr old child so they can poop,especially as he is in regular underwear. Am I wrong,or does this sound like parents that just will not make him understand that he HAS to go in the potty?
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coolconfidentme 03:51 PM 10-30-2013
I personally wouldn't. They may have to seek care somewhere else, idk.
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Willow 03:59 PM 10-30-2013
I think if you had a problem doing it you should have told the family that before you agreed to take him.

It's not really fair to give his parents the impression that you'd cooperate with his doctors suggestion, and are now refusing to.



These issues aren't always an act of defiance you can just demand the child to stop. There may very well be a legitimate need for him to need this at this point. I'd either drop the judgement and roll with it or let them know that unfortunately you cannot meet his needs at this time.
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Leigh 04:15 PM 10-30-2013
Willow is right. Lots of kids have trouble coming to terms with pooping on the potty-forcing the issue often just makes it worse (and then the kid holds it and gets constipated). It's not an issue of the parents failing or the child being defiant, but just a matter of waiting until the boy is READY to poop in the toilet. I'd give him the diaper, and then find ways to encourage him to use the toilet (read books about it, let him see others use the toilet, etc.). I agree that it's gross to change a 4 year old's diaper, but that is just part of the territory of being a daycare provider to me.
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caregiver 04:21 PM 10-30-2013
When I took him on I was honest with them and said that it was something that I did not feel comfortable doing and that he did need to go on the potty. They just said that most likely he would hold it until he got home, which he has done until today. They told me to see if I could get him to go on the potty if he asked, which he never has, so I have not had to deal with this issue. I have told them in the past that in order to go to preschool, he would have to be fully trained, which means the poop part too, which they replied that they were not worried about it, he would see he others go and then do it too, which he has not done. So I think that there is NO excuse for him to ask for a diaper, especially being able to sit on the potty to pee, he just doesn't want to do it. If he can poop in a diaper, why can't he poop in the toilet, which he sits on to go pee in? These parents are the kind that don't enforce discipline very well or rules at home and I have had many issues with the dcb about his behavior here and have told the parents that if he continued the bad behavior here, he could not come back as he was hitting and pushing the other kids, well they told me to disciplined him however I wanted as they were having issues at home with him and didn't know what to do. They give in to their kids to easy and basically their is no discipline at home. How about telling him that he has to go poop on the toilet and that is it, no diaper! Why won't parents be a parent and discipline nowdays. Anyway, just wanted to vent and know your thoughts and I will not clean poop off of a 4 yr old bottom, would you, when you know that they can and are very capable of using the potty to pee in and are not scared of the potty. I honestly do not think it is a medical issue with him, I think he is just to lazy to poop on the potty, it is too easy to stand there and poop in a diaper and have someone clean you up. Just my thoughts, so maybe I am wrong, but for heaven sakes, what happens when he goes to kindergarten and asks the teacher to put a diaper on him so he can poop! Do you think she will do that....I don't think so.
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caregiver 04:27 PM 10-30-2013
Sorry, I don't mean to be crabby on this issue, it just erks me. So just chalk my post up as a vent and a issue I have to deal with. Ya, it is just part of what we as providers have to deal with, so I will just deal with it and handle the issue the best I can.
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kelsey's kids 04:30 PM 10-30-2013
My autistic cousin wouldnt poop on the potty either until about 7. It is a natural thing in children who have even a slight issue. Not sure how to explain. But it is sometime about a sense off lose when in the potty but fine in the diaper because they understand where it is going. They were told it was completely normal and to prevent further complications to do it. I would find out what is the underlying condition if any before you make decisions especially forcing. But I know how disgusting it can be to change a 4 year old
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caregiver 04:32 PM 10-30-2013
Originally Posted by kelsey's kids:
My autistic cousin wouldnt poop on the potty either until about 7. It is a natural thing in children who have even a slight issue. Not sure how to explain. But it is sometime about a sense off lose when in the potty but fine in the diaper because they understand where it is going. They were told it was completely normal and to prevent further complications to do it. I would find out what is the underlying condition if any before you make decisions especially forcing. But I know how disgusting it can be to change a 4 year old
Thanks, I will consider that, never thought that he might be autistic. Good point.
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Cradle2crayons 04:33 PM 10-30-2013
I had this happen with a 3.5 year old once a long time ago.

My solution....

I had mom buy one of those specimen pans like you collect pee in in the hospital bathrooms... It's like a shallow pan that fits in the toilet.

then I had her flattened out a diaper and lay it down into the shallow pan. After a week, I had her remove the diaper. Child went into specimen pan. Then a week later, into toilet etc.
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caregiver 04:59 PM 10-30-2013
Originally Posted by Cradle2crayons:
I had this happen with a 3.5 year old once a long time ago.

My solution....

I had mom buy one of those specimen pans like you collect pee in in the hospital bathrooms... It's like a shallow pan that fits in the toilet.

then I had her flattened out a diaper and lay it down into the shallow pan. After a week, I had her remove the diaper. Child went into specimen pan. Then a week later, into toilet etc.
Maybe I'll try that!
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preschoolteacher 06:13 PM 10-30-2013
I totally understand that some kids have a really hard time with #2 in the toilet. But I'm with you... maybe it's because I'm new to the business, but I don't plan to enroll any kids who aren't potty trained by 3. Or at least well on their way by 3 years old. I don't want to be changing an older child's diaper...
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JoseyJo 07:49 PM 10-30-2013
I would not put a diaper on any child so they could poop in it, regardless of age.

If you are old enough to know that you need to poop, come find someone, tell them you need a diaper, wait for them to put in on, poop in it, then ask for it to be changed then you are old enough to go in the potty.

This may be different w/ a child on the spectrum, but as I have never cared for one I have not had to deal with this!
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Willow 08:37 PM 10-30-2013
Anxiety, mental health issues and genuine phobias, megacolon and other anatomic deformities, sexual abuse and physical trauma, developmental delays etc. could also be reasons a child struggles with toileting their bowel movements.

Vent away OP, I don't think anyone would argue it's pleasant. Thank you for being open minded to the possibilities. If you're really concerned maybe suggest the parents get him re-evaluated by someone who specializes in child behavior and development. Most mental health facilities, if they don't have someone on staff, should be able to refer them to someone who can help.
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Lawson2 10:35 PM 10-30-2013
My girlfriend has twins who just turned 5. The boy has no problem going on the toilet, but the girl won't poop on it. The mother has refused her a pull up, but she will hold it and become constipated.My friend told her daughter that she now has to go in the bathroom (she didn't want to watch her 4 year old poop in the living room), poop there (with a pull up), wipe herself, and put the dirty pull up in a bag, and then carry it to the trash herself. The daughter takes care of everything herself... The mom is frustrated, but doesn't want her in pain from the constipation that develops. Her doctor said she would out grow it....
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Play Care 03:13 AM 10-31-2013
Originally Posted by Lawson2:
My girlfriend has twins who just turned 5. The boy has no problem going on the toilet, but the girl won't poop on it. The mother has refused her a pull up, but she will hold it and become constipated.My friend told her daughter that she now has to go in the bathroom (she didn't want to watch her 4 year old poop in the living room), poop there (with a pull up), wipe herself, and put the dirty pull up in a bag, and then carry it to the trash herself. The daughter takes care of everything herself... The mom is frustrated, but doesn't want her in pain from the constipation that develops. Her doctor said she would out grow it....
My older daughter has chronic constipation issues - I think it's a dairy allergy but our ped wasn't convinced Anyway we had a similar situation in that she was totally pee trained (with no accidents) at 3, but continued to wait until bedtime to poop in her pull up until she was 4. At first we did it because she already had issues with constipation and this was only making it worse. Finally it did get to the point where enough was enough.

Yes, she was probably anxious about going, yes she was probably fairly stressed, but I felt it was my job as a parent to help her through it, not just let it continue for however long. I've heard of parents of neuro-typical 5, 6 and 7 year olds putting pull ups on their kids for the same reason - one woman told me her daughter's pre-K teacher was allowing her daughter to poop in a pull up because according to her daughter "it just felt better to poop in the pull up." Sorry, I didn't want to be that parent...

Long story short - at the time we already had a script for Miralax (it used to be prescription only, now it's OTC) for her so we made sure to use it every day. We continued to encourage drinking - I picked up some cool water bottles and made sure they were always filled, we continued to eat veggies, fruits and whole grains to keep things moving and we completely ditched the pull ups - no more even at bedtime. When she did have to go and asked/begged for a pull up we were sympathetic and encouraging - we would sit with her, read to her, etc. while she sat on the toilet. By week's end she was going on the potty and was done. Honestly we kicked ourselves for not doing it sooner

This is what I did as a parent though. As a provider I do have a policy that I do not accept new children over 3 who are not fully potty trained. I've had some uncomfortable situations before due to that and it's not something I'm comfortable with. They don't have to PT their child just to come here if they don't feel they are ready, but then I'm not the provider for them. In that I do agree with Willow. That said, I would be talking to the parents if a pull up is not something you want to entertain and let them decide how they want to proceed.
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kathiemarie 07:31 AM 10-31-2013
My totally normal son (who now is 21) had the same problem. He did grow out of it around 5. To me it was no big deal, but then Im his mom. I don't have any advise but I do understand how you feel.
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Blackcat31 08:18 AM 10-31-2013
Originally Posted by kathiemarie:
My totally normal son (who now is 21) had the same problem. He did grow out of it around 5. To me it was no big deal, but then Im his mom. I don't have any advise but I do understand how you feel.
LOL!! MY totally normal DS will NOT, has NOT and simply won't poo anywhere but home.

NO idea why. He has just always been that way.

Kids are all different. They all get to where they are going but they all do it differently.....

I'd personally try to work WITH the parents in overcoming this issue. I would much rather put a diaper/pull up on a child to poop verses cleaning up poopy underwear and I don't think it would be right to call the parent and have them come pick up if he did poop in his pants.

He's 4 not 14 so there is definitely some wiggle room as to what's considered developmentally appropriate or not.
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Familycare71 10:04 AM 10-31-2013
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
LOL!! MY totally normal DS will NOT, has NOT and simply won't poo anywhere but home.

NO idea why. He has just always been that way.

Kids are all different. They all get to where they are going but they all do it differently.....

I'd personally try to work WITH the parents in overcoming this issue. I would much rather put a diaper/pull up on a child to poop verses cleaning up poopy underwear and I don't think it would be right to call the parent and have them come pick up if he did poop in his pants.

He's 4 not 14 so there is definitely some wiggle room as to what's considered developmentally appropriate or not.


I also agree with willow and another PP. my son had issues with pooping in the potty- fully trained other wise. He would go into the bathroom, put on a pull up, poop and then I would change him. It was what our dr suggested when he was fearful of pooping in the potty. It didnt last extremely long. He was a very typical child- as he got older he was diagnosed with anxiety.
You just don't really know why sometimes- but I also wouldn't be willing to force a kid to hold it or poop in the potty either. I think if you aren't willing to do it and it is what he needs you should term so he can find someone who will
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caregiver 11:34 AM 10-31-2013
Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I will be working with his parents on this and between them and myself we are going to try and get this all worked out for him. I just have never in my 30 yrs of doing daycare have had a child, who is 4 yrs old, ever ask me to put a diaper on so they could go poop. All the kids I have had have been totally trained by 4 and not one of the parents have ever allowed a child to do this, they all have made sure that their child uses the potty for #1& 2. So this seems very strange to me, but it is what it is and I will just try working with him and hopefully down the line, he will want to start going on the toilet for pooping.
I guess doing daycare you will find things that you never have encountered before. So you just deal with it and do the best you can. It is so nice to have the parents support and help. I will let you know down the line here how it is going if anyone is interested.
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Tags:4 year old, potty training - age, potty training question
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