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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Parent Carrying 4 and Half Year Old into Daycare
littlefriends 06:21 AM 02-06-2020
Dcb is 4.5 years old and he's been coming here for just over a year. I also "kind of" keep his brother but he's in kindergarten and mom has stopped working so she mostly drives him back and forth for school so I don't have him a lot. (She still pays me like normal).

He (4 yr old) has really regressed since she stopped working. They live with the grandparents (dcm's parents) and one of dcm's younger sisters still lives at home as well. It doesn't help that for some reason mom is really feeding the behavior.
He's being carried in like he's a one year old and then when she tries to put him down to sign in he freaks out. Sometimes are worse than others but it can range anywhere from just crying for her to pick him back up to totally screaming his face off and thrashing/kicking. So what she has started doing is handing him to me for me to hold him while she signs him in and hangs his coat. But this is driving me crazy! He is not a baby! He's way too big to be getting carried around and handed to the daycare provider at drop off. It makes it even more ridiculous because of the way she's talking to him/treating him as this is going on. Baby talking to him, making promises, bribes, telling him she'll pick him up before nap so he won't have to lay down (which is annoying by itself because half the time she tells him this and then texts me at lunch asking if he's been okay because she'd rather leave him if he's okay and not asking for her!)

This whole thing is extra obnoxious to me, especially since the second she walks out the door I am able to tell him to knock it off and he immediately goes right off to play with his friends, happy as a clam like nothing happened.

So far I've just resorted to passive aggressive comments when she hands him to me like "Petey you are WAY too big to be acting like this!" or "Mom what are your plans for when you're trying to drop him off at school this fall and he has no choice but to go?"

What do I say that is going to stop her from trying to hand him to me and what do I do/say when this nonsense behavior is going on? On a positive note, it doesn't last longer than 5-6 min, she's not trying to hang out or talk to me, she is pretty good at not prolonging it too much.
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rosieteddy 07:04 AM 02-06-2020
I personally would ask for a meeting with mom.I would put a stop on this now."Dear Mom,This behavior with Petey needs to stop."I would start the bye bye outside take him in then let her do the sign in.I would not take him in my arms.When she tries to hand him off maybe say "whoa your way to big for me to carry.Your a big boy now".or something like that.If she promises an early pickup why not hold her to it.I would give her a time to pick up,say 12:30 .Late fee starts then.Why not have some books or papers at entrance ask him to carry them in as he is such a "big"boy. Reward good behavior sticker books always worked for me or the old fashioned "star cards".I would print out a weekly coloring page.We colored them on Friday after lunch.Then we counted the "stars"could be dots /stickers whatever.A predetermined amount were needed for a "special treat"your choice could be anything .One of his ways to earn a sticker would be walking into DC like a big boy.They could earn stickers for sharing ,listening,cleaning up whatever you choose.He may not get a treat one week and that might help break the habit.
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Cat Herder 07:46 AM 02-06-2020
Sending out a funny newsletter on learned helplessness and its relation to living in mom's basement at 30 seems an option. Depending on your client's sense of humor, of course. Mine loved this one.
Attached: infantilizing (600 x 600).jpg (89.4 KB) basement dweller (570 x 314).jpg (46.4 KB) 
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Blackcat31 07:51 AM 02-06-2020
I termed a family for this. We were unable to resolve the issue and I refused to be a player in the game.

I would straight up tell mom you are NOT holding a 4.5 yr old. Is she going to pay for your chiropractor bills if you throw your back out. Young or old, that is not a safe practice.

I told my daycare parent that carrying a child that old was a safety risk and while I had no say in how long she chose to carry her child I did have a say in the safety practices of those on my property. Since it was/is a safety risk I banned her from carrying him on my property.

Once she got him out of the car, she was to put him down and hold his hand while they walked into the house. If they couldn't do that, they couldn't enter my property.

I refused to allow her to potentially be injured by tripping or falling while in my yard and having it be a liability issues.

So maybe try to blame to explain it to her that way. That it is a safety risk and you will be liable should she get hurt carrying him. If he can walk, he should walk. Especially at that age.
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Msdunny 08:04 AM 02-06-2020
I have a mom who carries her 4 year old AND a 26 pound six month old in a carrier up to my door every day!! Every day!

Today is their last day, so I haven't addressed it, but it was getting ridiculous.
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Valerie928 08:35 AM 02-06-2020
Originally Posted by Cat Herder:
Sending out a funny newsletter on learned helplessness and its relation to living in mom's basement at 30 seems an option. Depending on your client's sense of humor, of course. Mine loved this one.
Lmao, those pictures 👍😁
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littlefriends 11:20 AM 02-06-2020
Ha ha ha, Catherder, I'm dying laughing at those pictures! I should post them on my parent board

I think calling her to a meeting will be a good approach. It would be a good way to explain that it's not safe for her or me to be holding him and let her know I'm not going to be taking him from her anymore.

Rosie, I worry about starting something with the other kids if I do a reward for him walking in nicely without fits?? I worry that others might see he's getting something for behaving a way that they already do without having to be asked (bribed?). I don't do reward systems because I just expect good behavior. I feel like he should just be expected to walk in without acting crazy-especially at 4.5 years old. I really spend a lot of time with my 4 year olds explaining that they need to be getting ready to go to kindergarten so I expect certain levels of listening, behaving, etc out of them.

I will sometimes hand out a few m&m's when they're cleaning up-especially if I see one or two not helping. I won't say anything during clean up but then at the end when all is done I hand some to the ones that helped and the ones that chose to lay in the middle of the floor instead of helping don't get any.
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Rockgirl 04:28 PM 02-06-2020
I would address it with mom, and tell her dcb needs to walk in. Then I wouldn’t even be a part of the sign-in shenanigans. I would be busy with another child or task, and when they walk in, just tell them good morning and go about your business.
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Jupadia 05:03 PM 02-06-2020
I would also address it with mom, I have a set of stairs you enter onto when you come in the door. There is a small landing but you turn right to go up 3 stairs to my main floor, or left to go down 10 stairs to the daycare space. I have told parents many times to not carry there kids in. As well I make them take there kids shoes off down in the kitchen area, parent shoes are allowed in that space as well. So many of them try to do it in the door landing, which is very small.

Also if I let my 4 year old be carred in he be doing it at Kindergarten. Kids are heavy, I hate trying to carry one all the time, baby wearer I was not. Holding hands I can do.
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rosieteddy 06:52 AM 02-07-2020
I always expected the behavior to be good as well.That being said I did use a "good "chart for my own son the year he was 4.He was such a "pill".I had 3 other children 2 older 1 younger and he would act out for attention.I only cared for my own at the time. We did it for 6 months then it faded away.In DC I started the "go home sticker".Children had gotten crazy at pickup.All parents showed up at once closing time.Parents couldn't seem to get the kids in their cars without tears.So I started the stickers.Each child greeted their parent and left holding hands.At the door they picked a sticker and off they went happily.Only 2 times did someone not get a sticker. I would definitely talk to Mom. Then if child continued he would sit at the table with a book on arrival for a few minutes while his friends had free play.
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Snowmom 07:07 AM 02-07-2020
"4.5 year old being carried in"

Ah hell naw.

That's all I had to read. Just nope.
Let's promote those self-help skills mom.
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Ac114 08:56 AM 02-07-2020
I feel tour pain. I have a mom literally due next week and still carries in her 4.5 year old. It’s ridiculous. I don’t partake in any of it and usually cleaning or getting breakfast together. I just roll my eyes and move along.
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littlefriends 09:40 AM 02-07-2020
I texted her this morning asking if she could come a little early to pick up today because I needed to have a quick chat and her response was “sure, anything I need to be worried about?”

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Ariana 02:56 PM 02-07-2020
I had to tell my recently termed family that I refuse to carry their 40lb 18 month old. Kid had no clue how to get up from falling or go up and down the stairs. Near their last day wi Th me dad comes in complaining of a bad back because his kid is so big. I told him yeah that’s why I had to teach her how to do all that stuff by herself
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CeriBear 07:33 AM 02-09-2020
Originally Posted by Snowmom:
"4.5 year old being carried in"

Ah hell naw.

That's all I had to read. Just nope.
Let's promote those self-help skills mom.
Yep!
I cringe when I see these moms and dads carrying in these 4 year old pre-k kids. When are you going to stop? Kindergarten? First grade? Fifth grade?
I teach preschool and my kids are all 3.5 to 4 years old and none of them are still being carried in like babies. Mom or dad might pick up for a hug before drop off but none of them are actually carried in.
And the same goes for daycare/preschool teachers who carry kids around the playground or in the classrooms. My center has a rule that teachers in the preschool and pre-k classrooms are not supposed to carry or pick up kids just because the kids want it. If Johnny falls down and hurts his knee yes, then Ms. Ceri can pick him up and carry him to the bench. Ms. Ceri isn’t going to pick up Jimmy and carry him to lunch just because he wants it. I’m not going to risk throwing out my back.
And parents. Please teach your kids basic self help skills. Johnny needs to learn how to wipe his nose and put on his shoes rather than be able to name every dinosaur and recognize all the characters from Star Wars.
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Annalee 11:52 AM 02-09-2020
From a similar standpoint: Friday at pickup, dcm said to dcg3 "did you tell ms.xxxx you slept in your bed all by yourself for the first time last night?"
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littlefriends 08:41 AM 02-10-2020
Originally Posted by Annalee:
From a similar standpoint: Friday at pickup, dcm said to dcg3 "did you tell ms.xxxx you slept in your bed all by yourself for the first time last night?"
I have 2 dc parents that constantly complain about not getting any sleep due to co sleeping-their kids are 3.5 and 4!!!
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CountryRoads 08:46 AM 02-10-2020
Originally Posted by littlefriends:
I have 2 dc parents that constantly complain about not getting any sleep due to co sleeping-their kids are 3.5 and 4!!!
This reminds of something that happened a couple months ago.

Dcb was going to stay the night at gma's house, so he had an overnight bag with him. I noticed a bottle sticking out the bag and looked closer. It was a newborn, stage 1 nipple, baby bottle. Dcb immediately said "that's mine!" I was very confused and then he told me he uses it at bed time to go to sleep.

He will be 4 in a couple months
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littlefriends 08:59 AM 02-10-2020
Originally Posted by countryroads:
this reminds of something that happened a couple months ago.

Dcb was going to stay the night at gma's house, so he had an overnight bag with him. I noticed a bottle sticking out the bag and looked closer. It was a newborn, stage 1 nipple, baby bottle. Dcb immediately said "that's mine!" i was very confused and then he told me he uses it at bed time to go to sleep.

He will be 4 in a couple months
oh. My. Word.
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SpringBear 11:47 AM 02-10-2020
I'm going to have to differ in opinion. If this family moved back in with (grand)parents, something is going on that is causing some stress and maybe trauma. THAT is the reason for the boy's regression, not mom "giving in" to him. The mom is being responsive and connecting. That's not a bad thing. When caring for children who go through trauma, the best practice IS attachment parenting. Carrying, holding, in whatever way possible no matter what age. I have a foster child, 11, and I don't pick her up, but we spend hours with her in my arms. It's what they need. Children can't reach the next developmental stage until their needs (emotional, physical, developmentally) have been met at the stage their in. It doesn't matter what stage you feel they "should" be in.

That being said, I think it's fair to set that boundary for yourself, I am not going to be carrying a 4.5 year old around. But do not criticize her parenting techniques. Perhaps commend it "I think it's great that you are responding to your child's needs as he goes through this stressful time, and you're able and willing to hold and carry him, however I am not going to do carry a child this age at my program. I am happy to sit on the floor/couch/etc and hold him for a few minutes to help him transition."

And PLEASE educate yourself on taking care of children who have gone through trauma. It is more common than you think, and "tough love" is not the answer!

Also most childcare programs require you are able to lift 50 pounds, with the expectation that you can carry children up to that weight. Maybe not day in and day out, but when they need it, emotionally, occasionally, and certainly in an emergency.
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Cat Herder 11:58 AM 02-10-2020
If the child had gone through trauma, it would be the parent's responsibility to both notify the daycare and make plans to meet their childs needs. Nowhere in the OP did it say the living situation was new or traumatic, only that mom is no longer working. Daycare is not foster care or social services.
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Rockgirl 01:25 PM 02-10-2020
If a parent carries their child to the door, fine. That’s on them. But I refuse to take a 4 year old from a parent’s arms. The 19 month old in my daycare walks from the car all the way in, holding a parent’s hand.

Attachment parenting is great....for stay-at-home parents, who never plan to send their children to group care.
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littlefriends 03:45 PM 02-10-2020
Originally Posted by SpringBear:
I'm going to have to differ in opinion. If this family moved back in with (grand)parents, something is going on that is causing some stress and maybe trauma. THAT is the reason for the boy's regression, not mom "giving in" to him. The mom is being responsive and connecting. That's not a bad thing. When caring for children who go through trauma, the best practice IS attachment parenting. Carrying, holding, in whatever way possible no matter what age. I have a foster child, 11, and I don't pick her up, but we spend hours with her in my arms. It's what they need. Children can't reach the next developmental stage until their needs (emotional, physical, developmentally) have been met at the stage their in. It doesn't matter what stage you feel they "should" be in.

That being said, I think it's fair to set that boundary for yourself, I am not going to be carrying a 4.5 year old around. But do not criticize her parenting techniques. Perhaps commend it "I think it's great that you are responding to your child's needs as he goes through this stressful time, and you're able and willing to hold and carry him, however I am not going to do carry a child this age at my program. I am happy to sit on the floor/couch/etc and hold him for a few minutes to help him transition."

And PLEASE educate yourself on taking care of children who have gone through trauma. It is more common than you think, and "tough love" is not the answer!

Also most childcare programs require you are able to lift 50 pounds, with the expectation that you can carry children up to that weight. Maybe not day in and day out, but when they need it, emotionally, occasionally, and certainly in an emergency.
The parents divorced 5 years ago and they moved in with dcm’s parents. Dad has not been in the picture since. Dcb has grown up at that house. There’s definitely no trauma situation going on. She’s repeatedly stated he’s her “last one” and she’s having a hard time with the thought of both her kiddos being in school.
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Josiegirl 03:31 AM 02-11-2020
Springbear, you're absolutely right for cases of trauma but I feel 99.9% of the cases where children are being carried in/out are not trauma based, just a case of momma not letting their child grow up or they have a hard time saying no. At least, it's been my experience in all my 39 yrs. of child care. In fact, the ONE case I had where a child was traumatized from early childhood events, dcps expected that child to walk in/out of dc. Yes, that child got(still gets!)amazing love and emotional support from her family in all other ways(thank you FB)and is constantly hugged, cuddled, etc. Don't these children still need to be as independent as possible?
So PLEASE don't tell experienced providers to get educated. There is a difference between coddling and cuddling.
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Blackcat31 07:05 AM 02-11-2020
Trauma issues aside, for ME its about liability.

Carrying a 4.5 yr old or even a 12 year old is the parent's prerogative but it won't be allowed on my property.

Holding his hand and walking to the door is the only acceptable way of getting to and from the car.

If a parent doesn't agree or comply then I am not the right program for them.
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Sunshine69 01:07 PM 02-11-2020
Nope. Four year olds without medical issues do not need to be carried. How annoying.

I have a 3.5 year old in my care that weighs 60lbs. Dcd May may no problem carrying the child around, but I do. Not going to do it. No one’s going to pay my bills or care for my kids when my back is out and I can’t work.

I also don’t care for the coddling at drop off. Some parents get it and say a quick goodbye and go. These kids seem to adjust quickly to the transition and are only whiney when they have good reason to be. Others prolong the agony with multiple hugs and kisses and buying into the drama. They’re not doing themselves or their kids any favors.

I get it. It’s hard to walk away from your crying child. I had to do the same thing when my son went to pre-K. The teacher told me straight-up, a hug and kiss and “I’ll pick you up later” and be gone. Just a few days later, no more drop-off drama.
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Tags:consistency, learned helplessness, parent - its a verb, part-time
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