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Parents and Guardians Forum>Escalating Aggression
Chilly 09:28 AM 11-18-2014
I'm new here and have a question/situation for all those providers out there.

My 3 year old daughter is enrolled in a corporate owned daycare center that is well respected and has all its state certifications. She has been there since she was 10 weeks old and we've always loved the director, the facility and the staff and the majority of the parents. One of the children in my daughter's class started exhibiting agressive behaviors last year. He would kick/hit/push/scream and use "bad" words ("stupid", "poopy head", etc). I was told repeatedly that my daughter was one of the few kids that would play with him and because she was so calm, that she had a good effect on him. Fast Forward to a year later, for the last 2 months, my daughter (very verbal) has come home and told us that the little boy has pushed/kicked/hit/held her. If her teachers saw it, they said she would just take it and not fight back. She just cried and screamed.

However, things have now escalated with her. Within the last 3 weeks, whenever she is approached by this little boy - whether he is being agressive or just sitting down next to her, she bites him. She has broken skin and left marks! She never had a biting problem before and it is only with this little boy. His agression has also escalated towards her - he has now drawn blood twice and she comes almost daily with scratches. Other parents have called me because their children have come home telling stories of what happened between the two. I don't often get reports from daycare or they just say "something happened" between them, the teachers didn't see it, it happened so quickly, etc. and ask me to sign a blank form. Last week when I went to pick her up, I was talking to her on her level about a picture she drew and he came over and smacked her across her face for no reason. Luckily, one of the 3 teachers that were there asked me if he hit her and I had to explain to them what happened since they were all talking together and didn't see it. My daughter just wimpered when he did it. The little boy laughed. He was then put in time out and then started crying.

When we've talked to our daughter about the incidents, she tells me that its on the playground, she tells him "No!" and "Leave me alone!" when he comes near here. She says she bites him so she can go in time out and he can't bother her there. She's also said that he is "Scary".

I've spoken with the teachers weekly and have spoken to the director twice. I now have a conference with them all tomorrow. Right now their shadowing both children as much as possible - but with 20 3 year olds in one place and 2 teachers, I feel like the teachers are stretched too thin. Any pointers, suggestions or tips for the conference? Also any suggestions on tools that I can help my daughter navigate this issue with?
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daycarediva 10:31 AM 11-18-2014
20 3 year olds and 2 teachers? That's a very high ratio, IMHO. In my state it is 1:6. I have a child with aggressive tendencies. He never leaves my side. EVER. He hasn't hit anyone in weeks- because I won't give him the opportunity. It is MY job to keep the other children in care safe. If I can't do my job, I would either hire additional staff to handle this child, or let him go.

It sounds like your dd is not aggressive towards anyone but this child. If so, it is very much self defense behavior. The adults failed to keep her safe and she has now taken it upon herself.

Why hasn't this other child been let go yet? I assume he is not hitting JUST your child?

I would NEVER sign a blank form. Are there cameras in the center? I would want to VIEW each incident.

Ask the director at your meeting what steps they are taking to stop this child from being aggressive. How can THEY ensure YOU that YOUR child is safe?

These two should NEVER be alone/left to play together. The other child should be shadowed AT ALL TIMES. If the center isn't willing to make sure that happens, they have no business keeping him in care. He is a danger to the other children.
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Heidi 11:22 AM 11-18-2014
Your daughter is acting defensively, not aggressively. In her 3-year old, unsophisticated way, she is doing the only thing that works. Smart cookie!
That said, obviously we can't encourage that behavior.

That state-run, corporate center has way too many children for 2 teachers in 1 classroom. I don't care what the state regulations say: that's too many.

I would honestly say that if it were my child, I'd say "I cannot allow my daughter to be hurt any longer. I have given you enough time to work this out. So, honestly, either he goes, or we go. I hate to do that, but I have no choice. My child is my first responsibility."

They are going to start losing other parents. I have to say, corporate centers often see in terms of dollar signs first, which is why they are very slow to terminate children with major issues. When other parents start affecting their bottom line, they'll act.
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EntropyControlSpecialist 11:27 AM 11-18-2014
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
20 3 year olds and 2 teachers? That's a very high ratio, IMHO. In my state it is 1:6. I have a child with aggressive tendencies. He never leaves my side. EVER. He hasn't hit anyone in weeks- because I won't give him the opportunity. It is MY job to keep the other children in care safe. If I can't do my job, I would either hire additional staff to handle this child, or let him go.

It sounds like your dd is not aggressive towards anyone but this child. If so, it is very much self defense behavior. The adults failed to keep her safe and she has now taken it upon herself.

Why hasn't this other child been let go yet? I assume he is not hitting JUST your child?

I would NEVER sign a blank form. Are there cameras in the center? I would want to VIEW each incident.

Ask the director at your meeting what steps they are taking to stop this child from being aggressive. How can THEY ensure YOU that YOUR child is safe?

These two should NEVER be alone/left to play together. The other child should be shadowed AT ALL TIMES. If the center isn't willing to make sure that happens, they have no business keeping him in care. He is a danger to the other children.
Amen! I am shocked. This is awful.
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Chilly 11:50 AM 11-18-2014
Originally Posted by daycarediva:
20 3 year olds and 2 teachers? That's a very high ratio, IMHO. In my state it is 1:6. I have a child with aggressive tendencies. He never leaves my side. EVER. He hasn't hit anyone in weeks- because I won't give him the opportunity. It is MY job to keep the other children in care safe. If I can't do my job, I would either hire additional staff to handle this child, or let him go.

It sounds like your dd is not aggressive towards anyone but this child. If so, it is very much self defense behavior. The adults failed to keep her safe and she has now taken it upon herself.

Why hasn't this other child been let go yet? I assume he is not hitting JUST your child?

I would NEVER sign a blank form. Are there cameras in the center? I would want to VIEW each incident.

Ask the director at your meeting what steps they are taking to stop this child from being aggressive. How can THEY ensure YOU that YOUR child is safe?

These two should NEVER be alone/left to play together. The other child should be shadowed AT ALL TIMES. If the center isn't willing to make sure that happens, they have no business keeping him in care. He is a danger to the other children.
She is not the only child that is being hit. I've seen him hit other kids. She is the only child who is biting back (or so I'm told). One of the other parents approached me saying that her daughter had a huge gash on her hand from the same boy. She said she spoke to the director about it also. My guess is that the center has not removed the child because all of his siblings have went or go there and they are a huge money maker. The center has a "Non agression policy" that states that repeated agression and without positive progress after working with the child will result in the removal of the child. They also have a 3 bites your out policy. So basically they could ask us to leave because my daughter has bit this child 4 documented times. I understand that we may have to leave the daycare either way.

I do not sign the blank forms. I'm just asked to sign them. I tell them I won't sign them unless they can tell me about the incident.

There are security cameras in front of the playground that I am aware of. I'm not aware of any cameras inside. I don't know if they would allow me to watch any footage of the playground (assuming they have cameras on the playground), but I will certainly ask.

I agree to 10:1 ratio is rediculous. It is our state's MINIMUM requirement. I've said it before and I will reitterate it again tomorrow that they need more hands in that classroom.
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Blackcat31 01:02 PM 11-18-2014
Originally Posted by Chilly:
She is not the only child that is being hit. I've seen him hit other kids. She is the only child who is biting back (or so I'm told). One of the other parents approached me saying that her daughter had a huge gash on her hand from the same boy. She said she spoke to the director about it also. My guess is that the center has not removed the child because all of his siblings have went or go there and they are a huge money maker. The center has a "Non agression policy" that states that repeated agression and without positive progress after working with the child will result in the removal of the child. They also have a 3 bites your out policy. So basically they could ask us to leave because my daughter has bit this child 4 documented times. I understand that we may have to leave the daycare either way.

I do not sign the blank forms. I'm just asked to sign them. I tell them I won't sign them unless they can tell me about the incident.

There are security cameras in front of the playground that I am aware of. I'm not aware of any cameras inside. I don't know if they would allow me to watch any footage of the playground (assuming they have cameras on the playground), but I will certainly ask.

I agree to 10:1 ratio is rediculous. It is our state's MINIMUM requirement. I've said it before and I will reitterate it again tomorrow that they need more hands in that classroom.
I'm sorry but your DD has a right to be safe.

I don't care how many kids to teacher ratios are legally allowed.....Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Know what I mean?

Obviously the number of kids per teacher is too many if this is continuing to happen. Licensing rules state: "The operator shall maintain a staff adequate for the number, ages and developmental needs of the children to be accommodated." Which means that if a child is difficult due to something developmental, the center needs to have adequate staff available to manage that issue. Not just the number the state says is okay to have.

If I were you, when you meet with the director, you need to tell them that you WILL report this to licensing ASAP as failure to supervise and provide a safe environment.

I don't care if the boys parents, uncles, aunts and every person he is related to attended that center......his behavior should NOT be tolerated and expecting your DD to have to be shadowed now because of her behavior which is a DIRECT result of THE DAYCARE CENTER's inability to properly supervise is NOT okay.

Also asking you to sign a blank form (I know you didn't sign it) is a direct violation of licensing standards.

"The facility shall produce and maintain on the premises, for a period of not less than two years, a written record of all injuries or accidents that result in an injury to a child or illness of a child enrolled at the facility that occur on or off site as part of the child day care program. The report shall include a description of the injury, illness or accident, the date, time of occurrence and location and any action taken by the facility including, but not limited to, whether the child was transported to a hospital emergency room, doctor's office or other medical facility. The written report for an individual child shall be available to the department and a copy shall be provided to the child's parent(s) no later than the next business day"

Unfortunately, if the center does have cameras you wont or shouldn't be allowed to view them because it would violate the other kids' right to privacy so I wouldn't go that route but I would use your ability to report this to licensing because what is happening here is wrong on so many levels.

The center is acting inappropriately in several areas and I would not allow them to brush you off like they have.

Here is the contact info as well as the licensing rules for your area....
https://www.daycare.com/connecticut/

If I were you, I'd familiarize myself with them so the center knows you are NOT going to take this lightly.
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Chilly 02:48 PM 11-18-2014
Thank you so much! Everyone's input has been very helpful!
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Heidi 03:17 PM 11-18-2014
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I'm sorry but your DD has a right to be safe.

I don't care how many kids to teacher ratios are legally allowed.....Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Know what I mean?

Obviously the number of kids per teacher is too many if this is continuing to happen. Licensing rules state: "The operator shall maintain a staff adequate for the number, ages and developmental needs of the children to be accommodated." Which means that if a child is difficult due to something developmental, the center needs to have adequate staff available to manage that issue. Not just the number the state says is okay to have.

If I were you, when you meet with the director, you need to tell them that you WILL report this to licensing ASAP as failure to supervise and provide a safe environment.

I don't care if the boys parents, uncles, aunts and every person he is related to attended that center......his behavior should NOT be tolerated and expecting your DD to have to be shadowed now because of her behavior which is a DIRECT result of THE DAYCARE CENTER's inability to properly supervise is NOT okay.

Also asking you to sign a blank form (I know you didn't sign it) is a direct violation of licensing standards.

"The facility shall produce and maintain on the premises, for a period of not less than two years, a written record of all injuries or accidents that result in an injury to a child or illness of a child enrolled at the facility that occur on or off site as part of the child day care program. The report shall include a description of the injury, illness or accident, the date, time of occurrence and location and any action taken by the facility including, but not limited to, whether the child was transported to a hospital emergency room, doctor's office or other medical facility. The written report for an individual child shall be available to the department and a copy shall be provided to the child's parent(s) no later than the next business day"

Unfortunately, if the center does have cameras you wont or shouldn't be allowed to view them because it would violate the other kids' right to privacy so I wouldn't go that route but I would use your ability to report this to licensing because what is happening here is wrong on so many levels.

The center is acting inappropriately in several areas and I would not allow them to brush you off like they have.

Here is the contact info as well as the licensing rules for your area....
https://www.daycare.com/connecticut/

If I were you, I'd familiarize myself with them so the center knows you are NOT going to take this lightly.

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Bookworm 05:40 PM 11-18-2014
With the exception of the ratio, ours is 12:1, this is the 3s class in my center. The current owner also owns one the worse chain centers in the city. My center is a separate entity. This sounds like a lack of supervision. The fact that they can't tell you anything about any of the situations you've mentioned means that the kids aren't being watched. The slapping incident that happened while 3 teachers were in the room is unacceptable. I'm assuming they had their backs to you.

Based on my experience in the last 3yrs, don't expect any sort of resolution from the Director. I can also see them throwing some of the blame your way because of your DD biting in self defense. Corporate centers are all about the money and will tolerate anything just to keep the money flowing. Start looking for a new daycare now because I don't see the situation improving. BTW, the fact that your DD willingly and purposely tries to get sent to timeout just to be free from DCB is one of the saddest things I've heard from a child. Good luck.
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Silly Songs 02:09 PM 11-23-2014
I used to work in a corporate center. I am currently in a privately owner smaller one . Here are some things to keep in mind :
They have some people who are higher than the director . Find out who they are and how to contact them.
You are allowed to watch the class from the hall if you want, anytime. Obviously you don't want your child to see you , but stand outside the door and try to watch how the class is being run for 15 minutes after most children have arrived. You may be able to observe something the teachers don't because they are in there, usually busy .
Keep after the director and whoever else fills in when she/he isn't there. If you start to complain while other parents are nearby, they may take it more seriously. They would rather lose one family with a few children than a few families.
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daycarediva 11:28 AM 11-25-2014
Originally Posted by Chilly:
She is not the only child that is being hit. I've seen him hit other kids. She is the only child who is biting back (or so I'm told). One of the other parents approached me saying that her daughter had a huge gash on her hand from the same boy. She said she spoke to the director about it also. My guess is that the center has not removed the child because all of his siblings have went or go there and they are a huge money maker. The center has a "Non agression policy" that states that repeated agression and without positive progress after working with the child will result in the removal of the child. They also have a 3 bites your out policy. So basically they could ask us to leave because my daughter has bit this child 4 documented times. I understand that we may have to leave the daycare either way.

I do not sign the blank forms. I'm just asked to sign them. I tell them I won't sign them unless they can tell me about the incident.

There are security cameras in front of the playground that I am aware of. I'm not aware of any cameras inside. I don't know if they would allow me to watch any footage of the playground (assuming they have cameras on the playground), but I will certainly ask.

I agree to 10:1 ratio is rediculous. It is our state's MINIMUM requirement. I've said it before and I will reitterate it again tomorrow that they need more hands in that classroom.
How did the meeting go? I hope they helped resolve this issue for you. If not, I would be seeking care elsewhere. I bet the biting from your dd stops with proper supervision.
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Tags:aggression, aggressive behavior
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