So my fiance and I have agreed to downsize the daycare. One of the reasons being that he hates me being so stressed and NEVER in the mood. He met me when I was starting the daycare so he doesn't know any different. But it is really starting to bug him 3 years later he is 29 I am 31. And he is hot! 6'4" athletic, built, well dressed and get's tons of stares out in public, it's not like he has let himself go.

I know this is kind of personal but I used to always be in the mood, when I worked in corporate america even when stressed.

But I am hardly ever now even when I have had an easy day and only have a kid or two.

I don't have kids of my own so I don't really know if just one is doable and if I just had one or two instead of 4-5 I would feel better or... If just kids in general activate some hormone or something in your body that just takes completely away your mojo.

He seems to think if I reduce the load that I won't be so stressed and I will be more apt to put energy into US. But I am concerned it is just kids period! Is it something about a babies cry that just shuts you down and puts you into mommy mode? Even when you have a 3 day weekend I can't get into the groove. I wonder if I would need several months of NO kids to finally get back to my old self.

Already checked my hormones they have always fluctuated so I know it isn't that. I am thinking it is knowing their are kids toys stuffed in every closet, or knowing you will have to go back into mode of spit up, poopy diapers, crying etc. Even though I am used to it, I wonder if my body is saying no you aren't!

Any advice is appreciated. I am just wondering as much as I most of the time like what I do, if it honestly is killing intimacy with my soon to be husband and this is not a long term healthy arrangement for us.

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I have no idea. I know that in your 30s, you are typically at your peak. You should be climbing anything you see.

It might not be the kids. It still could be hormones, or some other health issue, or maybe you are working too many hours? Maybe you are letting yourself get and feel frumpy?

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Well I can't exactly wear heels and pencil skirts to work anymore. I can't keep my hair down, wear lipstick. So I am always in yoga pants because I have to be comfy to get and crawl around on the floor with the babies. Jeans are too tight and dig in your gut

I have never been a party animal so we don't really have anywhere to go or want to that would require me to dress up. Except to the symphony once a year.

Now that I am in flip flops all day my feet have spread and I can't even fit into my old heels, will have to go buy new Wide feet heels lol Crazy.

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Frankly, having kids of your own WILL affect your love life...so yeah, be prepared for that. But, life is sometimes about trade offs. I personally wouldn't trade any of my 4 children for more frequent or better rolls-in-the-hay!

That said, my youngest is now 11, and the mojo definately did eventually return. But, something about someone hanging on you all day...whether your own children or someone else's, definately does affect things. I think sometimes we are just so full of being touched. Of course, you've been together for 3 years, and that in itself affects the dynamic. In the beginning of a relationship, it's like sneak-away-4 -times a day. Once you've been around each other a while, it's usually more about quality than quantity, and you've got to work a little harder to get "in the mood".

It's kind of like having ice cream every day. If you eat chocolate ice cream everyY day, after a while, you just don't feel like chocolate ice cream quite so much. So, unless you want to switch to strawberry ice cream, you need to dress that chocolate ice cream up (whipped cream, sprinkles?) to keep it interesting.

Clearly, I should not leave my day job and become a writer of metaphors. That was kind of bad....

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Not for me, and I'm 40, 4 kids, and dh hasn't let himself go but he isn't physically the same as when we met. But neither am I. Lol I have 10 kids 12 hours a day. 5 days a week. We have , I think, a very intense private life. I crave nothing more than 'time' with him. It's a stress reliever for me. My 3oldest kids make fun of us. Lol

I think you should try to use time w him as a release of that stress. Also, avocados. Berries, as many raw fruit and veg as you can stand. Weird but works for me.

As a side note,

Why let day care kids, families, stress, into your bedroom, or wherever you prefer lol. That is the YOU AND YOUR MAN space. Claim it! A LOT!!! At least 5 times a week.

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Heidi I like your writing. Well I have never been in the mood with him, poor guy we never had that honeymoon period. I started daycare a week after I met him, so he loves me with all the spit up, crazy hair, worn out look. It is amazing lol

Yeah I would expect it from a long term relationship but it's always been this way.

This has been eating at me for 3 years and I feel bad for him he is young and I shouldn't feel this ragged out. I shortened my hours but I love the kids, just think they are killing me lol Maybe I won't have my own after all if it's this bad with just daycare kids.

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Or have the icecream in the yard!!!!!never underestimate the mmmmmm fun of a trampoline! Attack HIM for a change and who says you can't dress up for HIM. not work or the symphony. Just do it for the man candy in your life!!!

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Laundrymom your funny I love hearing good news like that. I just want to sleep lol and happy to take a shower get the baby funk off of me and relax. It's become another job and I know that isn't fair.

I so welcome your all's input. That is why I love this site, sometimes someone says something that you didn't think of. No one can understand what goes on with taking care of daycare kids like other providers can. Stay at home moms have no clue, it's not the same when you have the stress of taking care of other peoples kids.

Keep the responses coming, thanks ladies.

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Sounds like your forgetting to take care of you. You have slacked off because the only one that is going to care are the kids and they don't care mode, they are just going to ruin my nice clothes and get me all icky.

Yeap they are, but you can still look nice and be comfortable too.

or

Maybe your just finding out your not the women that your man wants you to be. You do want to let your hair down and be yourself

or maybe your still looking for yourself.

If you like doing what your doing, do it and do it well. Tell your husband this is what I do. Make plans for the weekends or during the week to go out together and have fun, doing whatever your "fun" is. Sometimes we just get complacent with each other and forget to take care of each other and ourselves. Don't blame intimacy on the daycare learn to shut off your job just as you would if you worked out of the house.

and, not everyone has rabbit mentality, men usually do but women are wired different.

Best-

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I wish I could climb through this keyboard and grab your shoulders. Shaking you saying. Hey ding dong!!!! You have no kids at home!!! Have HIM wash you!!!! Nekkid house after hours! Period!!!

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Laundry is part rabbit. My poor DH lol

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maybe it is time to make some changes in other areas of your life if it is really that big of an issue. I would hate for you to miss out on a wonderful relationship (and possible future of motherhood) because of your job. I am sure that you care for the kids and it sounds like you are successful, but at the end of the day.....its just a job, right? or do you feel that it is your lifes work and you are willing to let other parts of your personal life go in pursuit of a true passion to work with children, no matter the costs? Its up to you to decide where your own boundary lines are with your personal life and your work life.

For us, yes, me working with kids all day does affect our personal life. But anytime I see the daycare taking over my life, I always downsize and make changes. The daycare is not more important than my hubby and my own children.....not even a close second. I would shut the whole thing down in a heartbeat if it meant keeping my family together or something like that. I would personally never pass up motherhood for any job in the world.

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Dress up and go out to dinner once in a while. You kind of sound like you wish you had somewhere to go. Only you can make that happen. Dress up and go out to eat or to the movie or mall, or friends, or local events happening in your area. Everyday is special because it is not like your going to get it back, so dress up for whatever you want.

thinking this out more, I am going to guess that your husband to be doesn't like being invaded by your daycare kiddo's and his space. If you want, tell him your more then willing to cut down on kids, but he will have to fork over the extra $ that is generated from having these children everyday. If he game to that, take him up on it and volunteer when you want outside of your home in the school systems or your local hospital. You have choices-
Best-

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I have to add that I've been a provider since '87. So it's all I know. That may make a difference. Also my first husband was an abuser, not a sweet guy. Been married to my soul half for 15 years and still on our honeymoon. Maybe that's is why? I'm like the rescued dog, it was bad before and so good now I crave the man?

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Well laundry I used to be part rabbit. I look back and it was great to look hot walking into the office (no slutty) even though toward the end the job bored me and I hated it.

He would be happy for me to quit completely but I need a bit of money for my own. I think even though I shut off when the leave the issue is with no having enough time in between to truly recharge. Even though I like it I think the kids are draining every last bit of energy out of me. I get sick all the time even when they are healthy.

Sucks to finally find something you love and feel there is a purpose to what you are doing but it drains you and have negative repercussions.

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First off, OP, I'm sorry you're feeling this way but it's good to get some advice from other people. Hopefully we can help.

Second off, this thread is cracking me up! Heidi, laundrymom in particular. *snicker*

Thirdly, I know how ya feel but I *do* have kids of my own. I've come to terms with a few things in my life and my marriage.
1. DH wants it--a lot.
2. I just naturally don't need it as much.
3. This is okay.
4. Sometimes, in this case, I just let him get what he wants, nothing fancy, and if I don't want, ahem, reciprocation, then its' okay <---this has been harder for DH, not for me.
5. Sometimes, by letting him just get it, I get in the mood and reciprocation is welcome.
6. Creativity.
7. Sometimes it's okay to say, "oh will you just take care of it yourself..." and whip your shirt off and start to go to sleep.

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I've been married ten years now with four children of our own. We have had good sexy times and times of less loving. I know that for us, our love life is best when we both make time to exercise, make time to eat a meal together daily, and make a point to keep our household and financial clutter to a minimum. We are less stressed and more likely to want extracurriculars. Lol.
Personally I feel my best in a proper top and tailored jeans/pants. I try to do a little makeup and my hair daily. I feel good about myself this way, and dh is more apt to noticing my butt in cute jeans rather than sweat pants. ;-)

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Its only been 3 yrs.

Takes a while to build up resistance to their germs. I wish you the best of luck.

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men are microwave ovens and women are crock pots.

As we age it gets worse. there is a solution... foreplay is not just what you do in bed before, it is what happens during the day before. Romance.

Does he help with the chores. Does he give back rubs without expecting you to get all hot and bothered?

And for you.... trashy romance novels.

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Yes! Love em. Lol.

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Lol.. like reading!!!!!! (And writing!!!!) Rofl.

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I am enjoying this thread. Many good words of advice.

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Laundry-you are crazy woman!

So, I am picturing "laundrymom" as some lady wearing fussy slippers, curlers, and one of those "housecoats".

Like this:

http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/cl...ed-clothes.jpg

and then you go and talk all naughty!

http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/mi...slines-she.jpg

Is she leaning on a trampoline???????

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simple fix, hire some help.

Don't give it up if you love it. Being in a relationship with someone should not take away your personal self. Sounds like he is doing all the asking but you don't tell him what your needs are too? Guessing.

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Rofl!!!!!!

Think. Gosh.
Long reddish brown curls, no bangs, cargo shorts, tank or tshirt, and keen sandles or fivefinger shoes sitting in a hammock with my laptop, sweet tea, and fluffy black dog. Think a fluffy treehugging Lora croft. Rofl by fluffy I mean size 10. Lol. I wont say overweight. Lol. Oh and I have a tattoo on my foot. .

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OP - got sidetracked. Sorry.
talk to your hottie.
tell him how you feel. If you love him, AND working....... you will figure it out.

(In the meantime......... well. I will hush. Lololol.) and when you're done then finish with an eye catching dismount. Go for the gold baby!!!!!! More than once.

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Nominating Laundry mom as "Comedian of the Day". Rofl!

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I second that motion...all in favor, say "aye"

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Crock pots???? I'm thinking steam baskets!!! @@

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Whoo hoo!!! Thanks ladies!!!! I'm honored!!! Rofl

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So funny. Darn it my kids are starting to wake up.

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I always tell my DH that if he REALLY wants me to be in the mood, the best thing he can do is dishes, laundry, and putting the kids to bed. He knows that if I can have some peace and quiet and ALONE time, I'll be much more likely to be in the mood than if I'm with kids all day and then doing chores and jumping right into bed afterward.

Laundry, you're making me literally LOL.

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aye

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Hey, I had another thought about this--

when DH and I noticed that our love life was starting to suffer, I made more of a concerted effort to get me time. Even thirty minutes alone with my thoughts and a book, or the computer, or a project of my own, goes a long way to making me interested in doing "That"

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Now that my kids can finally stay home by themselves dh and I go for coffee, but what's more shameless is that I sign my kids up for activities so dh and I can go out for dinner or coffe by ourselves and not have 4kids eat off of our plates.

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(logged out)

Being home by myself with children day in and day out caused sort of a depression for me, its so different from working with other adults and having interaction.

I am only doing daycare part time now and working somewhere else part time. I am MUCH happier and even though I am busier I have more energy & have more spark too lol!

If you'd like to keep working full time, a suggestion I'd give is to hit the gym and unwind for an entire hour every night after daycare closes. You get to switch gears, whether its exercising or relaxing in the hot tub with a magazine it might be just what you need

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Unregistered you have a point. Even though I left corporate america because I felt like I was working with a bunch of idiots and hated the office gossip I am starting to wonder if just being around the kids and their messes all day without even being able to clean up real nice or switch gears is the problem.

I hired an assistant a couple months back and I finally now feel I can leave her with the kids for a bit during the day. In another week I will 3 days a week be able to leave the house and go do something. I want to start working out in the late morning when it seems I have woken up but haven't gotten so exhausted that the thought of going to the gym is hopeless.

I could be dealing with a bit of depression just because between the cold ass winters and the heat you are house bound alot in North Texas. 10-20 degree sometimes a foot of snow in the winter and regular 100-120 degree summers. I hate this place lol So very little time to be able to safely take the kids out and play (I have mostly babies). I am hoping with the schedule cut and still keeping my assistant the getting away from them a couple hours a day will help.

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Countrymom that is a great idea! I would have never thought of that as a way f getting space. lol

Still all of this is seriously making me question having kids.

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If you think depression could be contributing, you could start taking a B-complex vitamin (the sublingual ones are most absorbable and bioavailable) and Vitamin D.

Other supplements that could help a lot are things like Evening Primrose Oil and any women's multi-vitamin.

Even low iron could be contributing to your issues. Try increasing the amount of foods in your diet that are naturally high in iron <--the naturally is important because iron fortified things are usually fortified with like, iron the metal and it's NOT very absorbable. Have you heard the thing about Cheerios? Put some in a plastic bag and crush them into a good fine crumb, then take a magnet to the bag and you get actual iron filings...

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I need to get back on the B and D never heard of evening primrose oil. I will check it out, thanks.

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I just wanted to note that having your own children is much different then daycare kids, similar it many ways but very different in other ways. 24/7 complete responsibility for your own child is just different. The bonding is different. Don't compare your daycare kids to the children you may some day have. It is different. It is a different kind of love, a different bonding, and I know what I want to say but can't seem to have the words right at this moment to express....maybe someone else can better articulate then me.

No matter if you have your own child, or adopt, or foster. Your children will have a different relationship with you.

Best-

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not to make light of OP but this thread is cracking me up.


Hubby doing chores doesn't do anything for me except be thankful that he helps out. It is up to both of us to take care of our home. I wouldn't want to be with someone that expected me to do all the crud work and take care of our kids myself. I think it is funny that some of you get turned on by a husband that does chores. I also see where your coming from, our home just doesn't run that way.

For me, spending time together doing fun things and enjoying each other does it for me. We both work hard and seeing the fruits of our labor so to speak, and enjoying them together. When the light starts to dim in our relationship, we revamp it and catch it and do what we have to do to sparkle things up so we are both happy. Over the years we have learned to let a lot of the little things go, because in the scheme of life they really are not that important to begin with. We take care of the things that are important to us. We take care of each other now because when the kids are all grown up and long gone from home, that is what we will have- so it is important to nurture us along the way.

Best-

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EPO helps regulate female hormonieness. When I remember to take it, I'm a lot less B**chy when it comes to "that" time of the month.

FTR if you have a Trader Joe's near you, they have decent quality supplements for very very reasonable prices.

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Hi Love! My suggestion... May be you need to build anticipation! Try a couple of steamy texts throughout the day. That works for me and Hubby loves it! I know it may be hard to switch your mind from babies to bed but try it when you have down time!

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My DH would be up for "relations" every day (or so he says...) but I'm the one who is never in the mood. He's still smokin' hot and he's an awesome husband so the problem isn't him. It's all me, really. I love him dearly so for him, I'll take one for the team

I think that for me it mostly boils down to my personal bubble. My dcks are incredibly affectionate and I'm showered with hugs and kisses virtually all day long. They give me affection whether I want it or not! Don't get me wrong, I really am glad that they feel secure and loved with me and I'm thankful for that. This group is my cuddliest group ever. I have one little dcg2 who will just randomly come over and pet me as if she were petting a bunny rabbit or a little puppy! It's all good but sometimes I would just like to have some time each day to not have someone touching me! Also, there's the issue of switching from "daycare provider mode" to "wife mode" which I struggle with. I haven't figured out how to be both at the same time yet.

OP, I get where you're coming from. I hope that it gets better for you and your fiance soon!

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