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Old 11-14-2013, 01:08 PM
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Default OT - Holidays and Inlaws

I feel like I so need a vacation. The kids have been so naughty, I'm pregnant and my stress level has hit it's max!

So since being with my dh holidays have been extremely frustrating to me. His family is just so unwilling to compromise on holdiays and want things to be like they have always been before I came along. Well guess what? I had a family also before these people came along and I am still willing to compromise. Growing up I remember it being so easy. The in laws and everyone had a system and they all got along. My mom said it was always that easy. So his family never asked us over for thanksgiving or got back to us about it. So we made plans to go to my parents for dinner. So their solution is to come over to our house the following weekend to do another dinner. Is it just me or is this absurd?? Now my parents are always welcoming to his family. They are welcome to join us. They however don't even like including me into the family let alone my parents. They are very old school italians and very unwelcoming to outsiders. I tried contacting them over a month ago about the holidays. How can they wait until it's 2 weeks away and then try to get us to do what they want?? His family there are siblings, Aunts, cousins etc. My family it is just me. If we don't show up to my parents they are all alone on the holidays. If we don't show up to his sisters they are far from alone. I'd even be willing to do every other year between our families but they never know until 2 weeks before what they are doing. Sometimes they go to his sisters in laws and sometimes she host. I'm not willing to let my parents know 2 weeks before a holiday they are going to be alone They are just so rude, inconsiderate and self absorbed!

As far as her inviting herself over for Thanksgiving. First: The reason we go to my parents is because I hate the grease and mess of a turkey dinner so my mom has always done Thanksgiving and I have always done Christmas. I don't want them over for a big dinner. They are coming over the weekend before for my son's birthday party and a month later for Christmas. Second: We are busy every weekend, how did this become my problem to fit things in???

For those that have in laws like mine, does it ever get any better? Will holidays always be like this? I hate to do it but I'm about to put my foot down and say he has a new family now and this is how it's going to be.
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Old 11-14-2013, 01:22 PM
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I solved the problem with going away for the holidays this way I don't have to spend it with any family. His family is gross and disgusting, have you ever eaten frozen or green turkey, well thats what they serve you. Their houses are so gross that I refuse to visit them. My kids don't care for them, and gma is rude too.
my family isn't any better, they favor my one sisters kids so bad that it makes my kids uncomfortable that they beg to leave (oh I should mention that my kids are older)
I'm finding that every year it gets worse (I always tell my kids thats how dh are never ever going to act) so we go away with our kids and its the best. Again for christmas we are going to great wolf lodge (I think mdd said there is 43 days left till we leave) we all have fun and we have the best memories ever!
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Old 11-14-2013, 01:58 PM
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I solved the "where to eat" crisis by committing to each family every third year at the wedding. "Handshake pre-nup" if you will...

1st year his family.

2nd year my family.

3rd year our own family.

It works perfect.

His family year is always consistent, traditional and awesome.

My family year is now split between several households, so more like each branch every 12 years.

Our family Thanksgiving is out of State, no phones allowed, and usually involves heated pools, hiking, roasting marshmallows and staying up late laughing. Turkey is never on the menu.

Bonus: If any family drags feet on making plans, we get to stay home with our kids.
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Last edited by Cat Herder; 11-14-2013 at 02:02 PM. Reason: Thought this was in private section... edited some details for hurt feelings patrol.
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Old 11-14-2013, 02:07 PM
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I have tried to negotiate changing years. His sister just will not agree to anything other than what she wants. Which is for her brother to do as he's told like he did for the 28 years before he met me.

I like the idea of going away! Maybe we could tell them we go away and just spend it with my family
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Old 11-14-2013, 02:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Great Beginnings View Post
I have tried to negotiate changing years. His sister just will not agree to anything other than what she wants. Which is for her brother to do as he's told like he did for the 28 years before he met me.

I like the idea of going away! Maybe we could tell them we go away and just spend it with my family
Well, then... you have a bigger problem. Your husband is the issue.

Tell him it is time to Man Up. Remind him where his bread is buttered.
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Old 11-14-2013, 02:14 PM
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What does hubby think? If he's leaving it up to you I would just say that you won't be home for the holidays and already made plans since they weren't sure what they were doing when they asked. I would say that ibwas going to be gone the whole weekend. Then I'd suggest you as a family going over to their house the following weekend instead.

If they still argued with that then I'd just say "oh that's too bad. I guess its just not going to work out this year. "
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Old 11-14-2013, 02:22 PM
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Yes hubby is a big issue lol! He let them control him for 28 years and now they are having a hard time adjusting and he's not putting his foot down firm enough. He sides with me but when they start nagging him instead of standing up to them he just appologizes, which kind of makes it look like it's my fault. He wants to make everyone happy but the problem is that's just not always possible. So then I get the phone calls and have to be the firm one and say this is what we've decided.
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Old 11-14-2013, 02:45 PM
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So then I get the phone calls and have to be the firm one and say this is what we've decided.
Ugh, I hate that.

Ever felt like asking MIL what she would have said to her MIL if she pulled that on her???

Might be worth it... if you are on your way ouf of town for a few weeks at the time.
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Old 11-14-2013, 02:47 PM
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It will be bad until your dh grows up... go to your parents for Thanksgiving. Then tell them no you are sorry you are not up to hosting a dinner but you would be glad if they want to take you out to eat..... Christmas do it as usual at your house with your parents and invite them to drop by for dinner or dessert. Tell dh you will be entertaining your parents and his are invited. If they do not like it he can be a little boy and go by himself. BUT it does not bode well for your marriage. HE needs to grow up.
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Old 11-14-2013, 03:16 PM
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Oh no, thankfully he would never choose them over me. He knows his place is with his new family!

Dh and I have agreed before that Thanksgiving would be with my parents and then we would host Christmas.

We just talked about it and agreed If they don't like it oh well. We will just ignore phone calls until the holidays are over.
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Old 11-14-2013, 04:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Great Beginnings View Post
Oh no, thankfully he would never choose them over me. He knows his place is with his new family!

Dh and I have agreed before that Thanksgiving would be with my parents and then we would host Christmas.

We just talked about it and agreed If they don't like it oh well. We will just ignore phone calls until the holidays are over.
Good for you! I had to put down my foot with my own sister over the holidays and her views on my marriage. Told her in no certain terms that this is what we are doing (my immediate family) and we'll switch every two years take it or leave it. Was a rough year and we didn't speak for about 6 months. However, she did come around because she wanted to be an aunt to my sons. Once boundaries were drawn it was a lot easier to coexist and I would say our relationship has changed to a much healthier dynamic.

Ultimately, this is on your DH though to fix things for the long term. If he keeps apologizing to them when they whine about a decision you as a couple have agreed upon, that is choosing THEM over YOU because that action always makes you the bad guy keeping them from their brother and son and he is projecting that image. Each apology throws you under the bus and increases the divide. Your husband needs to stand up and say, this is the way it's going to be and this is what I have decided. And it's hard, when you are not used to being confrontational (believe me, exact same dynamic! I hate confrontation) and they will certainly balk at it at first. You may have some rough months of drama where you have to be strong and present a united front and let them have the consequences of their actions. But ultimately, they will respect him (and hopefully your family) more for it. At least that was my experience. Good luck!!
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Old 11-15-2013, 07:43 AM
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We have kind of a rotating schedule as well. Before we had kids, we were pulled in a million directions. Once my first was born, we declared that we would always be home in our own beds for Christmas. We were open to invitations around that. Fortunately, I mean unfortunately my in-laws live out of state so that typically gets us off the hook for that. My parents are in-state and divorced so we get the pull from them. Last year we hosted Thanksgiving and invited all sets of parents. This year is my Dad's. Next year is my Mom's. Christmas is celebrated the weekend after...Saturday at Dad's, Sunday at Mom's. It's exhausting but we believe it's an important thing for our kids.

Although it sounds like you've found a solution, you could always remind them that you're pregnant and it's just too much for you this year!

In the meantime, watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and realize you're not alone!

Happy holidays!
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