For all you seasoned providers (I've been doing this for 6yrs now) with older or grown kids, how do you think operating a family Childcare has affected your family and kids overall? The good, the bad and the ugly? As my DD grows older I worry that she is going to hold some resentment toward the Childcare. She is elementary SA now. Just looking for some advice to help with the next several years in both of our lives. Merry Christmas

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Sometimes as teens, my kids claimed to resent it, but as adults they are very appreciative of the experiences.
My 21 yo is here for the holiday, and here is her answer. "Obviously, it gave me a strong basis in understanding a huge variety of children in many age ranges. As I take my college courses, I already have an understanding of child development, and behaviors, because I have LIVED it my whole life. It will make me a much more confident mom. Is there a down side?"

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My kids learned to share better than any child I have ever had in child care.

I really think that although they all would have preferred me to just be a stay at home Mom, daycare has been the next best thing for us/our family and we have gained mainly positive experiences from it.

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My DH grew up in child care. His mom had a 24 hour daycare open 7 days a week. He does not remember his mom NOT doing child care. He is the 4th child out of 5. A while back another forum member asked me about his experiences as the child of a provider.

Here is his response (from this thread https://www.daycare.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41913)

“Growing up in child care where your mother is the provider was NOT fun! Anything we ever planned or did revolved around the daycare kids. For example, if we went to the beach, we (my brothers and I) couldn’t go off and play with our friends because we either had to help my mom keep an eye on the dck’s or because she was watching them, couldn’t keep an eye on us if we weren’t right there with her.

If we went up town, we never got to have a special treat or a piece of candy because that meant the dck’s would need to have one too and wouldn’t be fair if they didn’t get one.

We could keep our own toys in our rooms but it was sad because we had to play in there alone and felt as though the other rooms in our house were off limits and that was weird since it was our home. We weren’t allowed to let any of the dck’s into our rooms because it wouldn’t be fair to let one or two and not the rest.

I personally thought it was difficult to have playmates that I enjoyed come and go through out my life. If wasn’t like school where the friends I made stayed with me from grade to grade because many of the kids I got to know in daycare were different ages and some stayed for years and others only a short time. I think that had an effect on me as I find it hard to make attachments to other people as I grew older because I had grown so used to people coming and going. I learned to not form really close relationships because of that.

I also think my mom grew kind of less understanding as time went on because over the years she had cared for so many kids that it sort of made her “hard” about rules and behaviors. She didn’t hug and cuddle as much I think because when and if she did, then ALL the dck’s wanted to be hugged and snuggled so it was probably easier for her to have a routine and treat her own kids the same as the dck's.

When we grew older, we found more and more reasons to not hang around home because the dck’s weren’t as much fun as they were when we were under 5. If we ever wanted to do anything such as have play dates with friends or do an after school activities, we had to make sure we had a friend who had a mom who could give us a ride. If my mom did it, she had to bring all the dck’s with her and that was embarrassing after I got a bit older.

If we wanted to sleep in, we couldn’t because the dck's came early and were always loud. If we were sick, we had to stay separated from the dck’s but spent the time alone because my mom was busy with the dck’s. We HAD to be nice to them, because my mom always said they paid the bills so we couldn’t afford for them to leave. I also think my mom was tougher on us whenever we got into trouble with the dck’s because she said she knew we knew better since she raised us.

During holidays, our Christmas tree belonged to everyone. Our stockings were hung alongside all the dck’s. That was hard as a kid. I also think we missed out on having things such as our artwork displayed on the fridge because ALL the dck’s stuff was hung there too. If the dck’s forgot snow pants or extra clothing, they borrowed ours.

It was hard to have a bike and either not riding it because that meant sharing with everyone or waiting until the end of the day to be able to ride my own bike.

All in all, I think having to share not only my own home but my mom with the daycare children made me a bit hard and somewhat insensitive to others. I learned empathy and understanding very early on, but when the tides always shifted in favor of the daycare kids, it got old fast and I learned to just not care about them very much.

Ultimately, I think I grew very resentful of them being in my home and needing my mother so much. I was always a bit jealous of them being able to go home with their own mom at the end of the day and that when they were at their homes; they didn’t have to share their mom with anyone else like I did.

There were plenty of times where it was just my siblings and my mom but she was so tired by the end of the day, that it just wasn’t what we really wanted and needed from her. “

As I said in the other thread, this may or may not be the case for everyone as these are HIS experiences. It does, however give us another perspective whether we agree or disagree and is definitely food for thought.

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I've seen blackcat's posting on her DH's perspective and it has stayed with me. I think of it often, as a matter of fact.

My kids are 3 and 6 seem to enjoy their "friends" for the most part and for us it is not an option for me to quit. But I'm careful with hours and having no early AM kids and they are all gone by 6, which I hope to make earlier. My 3DD has a really hard time sharing toys and her mom. It's so hard for everyone involved. Even my DH doesn't like it. It's hard, but it pays our bills and then some.

I'm also careful to not keep kids around that my children to not like. It's totally bias, but I do not care one bit.

I do my best to have my sub come when she can and I take my own children out for some bonding time.

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Blackcat- my MIL had a home daycare too and that was DH's experience too But his mom didn't have ratios- anyone that paid could drop their child off. So he remembers everything being chaotic and crowded. His mom also allowed DCK's in his room- he never had any private space or anything that was just "his"

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my kids are older. I think the reason it works for us is because i have set hours, I dont work weekends or holidays. I still make time to go and attend most of their activities. I don't let daycare run me.

I have found that my kids will make friends with anyone and play with anyone. My older kids love the littles and love to play with them, but I have 4 kids so I don't think they know anything else. 2 of my kids are going to be studing to become teachers.

I think it really boils down to balance. I also treat all the kids the same ( the only rule that is different is the trampoline and the pool) I don't allow kids in my own childrens space and that makes a huge difference.

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It certainly gives us a perspective of how not to do it. I can imagine that was not a fun existence for him. Poor guy!

I do try (and always have tried) to make sure to not allow my kids to feel like they were just part of a crowd. Of course, I have eight of my own, so maybe they were just more accustomed to it. However, I have always made sure to spend around 1 hour a week alone with each child. It is their time with me, focused on them. Often it is more like an hour a day, but sometimes I can't do that much.

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I have made the decision to close down at the end of this school year, and one of the main reasons is because I do not want my own children to be negatively impacted by the dc. My five year old is definitely over having the kids here. He enjoys them in the morning, but when he gets off the bus, he justs wants to chill out on the couch, with me. I hate feeling torn ~ so we are closing it down! I am going to go back to public school teaching, and we are taking our house back! I can't wait!

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I asked my two grown boys the same question. The were glad they did not have to attend childcare because I was home. Yes it was a bummer their teen friends preferred not to hang out here. Their house was empty of adults. Though they all called me when they had a problem.

my boys each have 2 children and each have one that is ADD. They said my childcare made them better fathers. They also appreciate any advise I might have as I have helped raise many children.

Yes if I had married a rich man and did not have to work their lives would have been different but I am very proud of both of them they ARE great dads.

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My kids get treats when we go out, dck's only if parents leave 'petty cash' for them. My kids can play with whatever they want wherever they want, they do not have to share their personal toys with dcks. I hug them, kiss them, and let them sit on my lap. Never the dcks. My kids come first always. It may not seem fair to others but their moms decided to work outside the home, that's the cards they were dealt.

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My son is miserable, we are only a month in & he hates it He is 3 & his personality is completely different when the dcks are here, he is sad & angry all the time & he used to be such a happy kid. In 2 years I will be a credentialed kindergarten teacher & he will be in kindergarten as well, but not sure if we will make it that long...

I once worked with a child when I taught preschool who had been raised in a home daycare with this approach - most messed up child I have EVER met. Just saying...

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I tend to be very non confrontational and let a lot go, but I have to comment on this. I really hope the parents of the children being treated this way are reading this and remove their children from care. This is a really sad way to treat children and a very callous attitude.

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I have an 8yo DD and a 2yo DS

Pro's

• My kids enjoy having other kids of mixed ages to play with
• I have seperate DC toys so my kids never have to share their toys if they don't want to. They also have their own room so they don't have to share their private space.
• I get to pick my DD everyday from school and drop her off.
• I get to spend a lot of time during the day with my DS.
• I am available for my kids whenever they need me.
• My kids can practice their social skills.
• I have a Mon-Fri job with vacations, sick days etc. I can set my own schedule and my clients are pretty flexible as long as I give plenty of notice.

Con's

• I couldn't really think of any right now ... as teenagers I suppose they might not like having a bunch of little kids around all of the time but for me thats great news because they won't want to bring their friends over during the day and I don't have a lot of patience for older kids lol

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Hang in there. My DD was also 3yo when I became licensed and she hated it when I first opened. It was a hard run especially for me because I had always been able to work awesome hours that went went around her schedule. Before I did DC I managed some apartments and one of my perks was that my unit was right off of the office that I worked in so I watched my DD while I worked. After that I was able to work as a nanny and take her along with me. For a few months I even worked a PT retail job that allowed me to work only the hours that she was in preschool. Up to that point it was always only me and her , sometimes one or 2 other kids but that was in their home not ours.

When I moved in my now husband she HATED him. He could not sit next to or near me, could not kiss me or hug me and sometimes she wouldn't even allow him to talk to me. She was extremely possessive but she had never had to really share me with anyone. Eventually she grew close to my husband and she became his sidekick and I became chopped liver.

Then I started DC . A major reason that I wanted to DC was because of the regular hours and because I would get to spend time with my DD again (I had worked FT in retail after moving in with my now husband and had terrible hours). She became very jealous of the DC kids and would lash out, push, hit, scream, cry and throw huge tantrums. No other kids were allowed to come near me if she could help it (which she couldn't).

I just stayed calm and made it a point to reinforce that mommy had plenty of love, hugs and kisses to go around and that she was still my DD and very special to me. It did get better after a lot of work on my part (shadowing, redirection etc.) but it was worth it. 3-4 months later there were big differences and by the 6 month mark we didn't have any major problems out of the normal realm of development. Just keep at it, kids are resilient and this is a great teaching moment (friendship, sharing, self control, proper way to display emotions etc).

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That is so sad. I am a very loving and affectionate mother and if I behaved like you do I doubt that my children would see me that way. I want to be a positive role model not only for my own children, but for the children in my care. I wonder how the parents of the children you care for would feel if they knew you were treating their children as second class citizens?

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I agree. I have to say, Im not the huggiest, tickliest teacher in my preschool. I dont grab them and pick them up and talk in baby voices. I'm just not that kind of person.

But you will always find one of my hands smoothing hair or patting a back or holding a little hand. When they need a quick cuddle, they run to me. They always tell me they love me.

I can't imagine denying a child love or affection because they weren't my own!! This is not the profession to choose if you can't do that, IMHO. And while I realize the pp didn't say she is not kind to the dcks, I think young children absolutely need that physical affection.

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Thank you Marina for the encouragement!!

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I don't treat them like second class citizens I treat them like day care children. I do not physically touch other people's kids ever unless helping them up on or off of playground toys. I am not their mother. They are my charges not my children. I care for all of them. I am not going to purchase out of pocket 'treats' for others kids, they each have petty cash to spend and their parents buy their treats. This is a bussines not a charity. I will never choose somebody else's child over my own child. If my kid falls off the bed while jumping on it I don't have to explain that to an angery parent or bother my insurance guy. All the children in my care are happy, healthy, and good kids. They all ask repeatedly if they get to come here every time mom pulls out the driveway. They all talk about the fun they have here to all their families.

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What ages do you have? I cannot imagine not cuddling & loving young children or having my child somewhere where he did not recieve physical affection. School age children would be a somewhat differnt story...

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Obviously this excludes infants and toddlers. If I have an infant I wear them, toddlers get a hug if they fall down or when they leave at pickup if they ask me for one. I'm not a touchy person with older children, I'd say starting at 3 or 4 years old. I come from a family that believes deeply in modesty and personal space with non relatives. A high five, a pat on the head will usually suffice older children. I don't baby or coddle children overly much. This is because of my upbringing. It is out of respect for the kids real mom and the child, and my own personal comfort levels. I asked my pediatricians advice and a councilor on when is to much. I was told if I wasn't %100 comfortable then to respect my need for personal space. I love my DCG! She knows I do, I don't hug her often, I hold her hand in parking lots and crossing the street only! I see no reason to call that treating a child like a second class citizen. Must be a real jaded version of a second class!

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Its weeks like this week that it really bothers my kiddo's. I was suppose to have 3-4 kids this week (every day) and I have only had 1 a day. We usually do some after Christmas shopping out of town and if I had known I would only be having 1 child a day I would have taken extra days off. That is where it gets frustrating for my family.

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Thanks a bunch for everyone's input it is very helpful. I think in the long run things will be just fine and they are actually fine now, I just was anticipating at some point my own child may feel differently. We have candid conversations about daycare and having the daycare and how she feels about it and overall she says she is happy with it and the way things flow, although she does say to me at times that I am nicer to the DCK than I am to her. I can see how this may seem to be true in her eyes. She is the oldest, she is mine, and this is her house, I think sometimes I may expect her to behave better and set an example to the other little ones. This is something though that I am aware of and can work on.

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