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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Sharing And Mind Your Business Tips...
WImom 09:04 AM 03-15-2011
what has worked for you the best? I have three girls that don't share well at all and they both worry about what everyone else is doing all the time. I've done role playing, I've taken the toy away for the day they they keep fighting over (This is something that there is a 15 of not just one toy - ie bucket of ponies). For the tattling I've just been telling them to worry about themselves unless someone is hurt. I've also asked them if I have ears and eyes? They say yes and I tell them then I can hear and see myself so they don't need to tell me.

These just don't seem to work at all.
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Zoe 09:50 AM 03-15-2011
I'm a big fan of sticker charts. If they play nice, don't whine, that kind of thing during certain parts of our day, they get a sticker. So for instance, I have four kids today (2 are mine). During circle time, because of their ages, I expect them to sit on their carpet squares and keep their arms and legs to theirselves. If there's any whining or tattling or roughhousing, then no sticker for circle time. Proper behavior is rewarded.

When the sticker chart is filled, they either get a dum-dum sucker to take home with them or they can pick some little trinket out of the prize box.
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kendallina 01:02 PM 03-15-2011
I was at a seminar once and the speaker asked one of the audience members to take off her wedding ring and hand it to him so he could put it on. The woman was taken aback, but did it. Then the speaker went on to say, this is what it's like when you ask a young child to share a toy. Adults don't like to share their wedding rings and in the perspective of a young child, a toy is just as important.

Basically, I never force the children to share. When children first start here, I will walk them through the steps of asking for toys. If a child is playing with a toy and someone else wants it, I walk the 'wanter' through the steps of asking for it. I'll say to the wanter, "say to Johnny, 'Can I use it please?'" Most times, the child that has the toy will give it up simply because the child asked for it and I did not. Seriously, this was a HUGE eye opener to me. The kids almost always give the toy to the wanter when the wanter is the one doing the asking (and sometimes it helps that I'm standing there too).

If the child who had it first doesn't want to share, then fine. They don't share it. I have the 'wanter' child tell the other child "ok, but I want a turn when you're done." 90% of the time the child is done with it within a couple of minutes and gives it to the wanter.

Children learn here quickly that this is how we get toys we want to play with.

When a child takes a toy from someone else, I calmly approach them (even if they are frazzled), get down on their level, speak softly and tell them I need to see the toy. I then hold it while we talk about what's going on. I don't let the children reach for it while we talk about it, they need to engage in the discussion about it.

Then I ask one child what happened. Then I ask the other child what happened. If it's clear that one child had it and the other took it, then I have the one who had it first say to the other child, "I had it, please don't take it" or something like that and I give it back to the child who had it. If the child who wants it still wants it, I tell him that he can ask for it and I follow the step above of helping him ask for it.

I don't force them to share and don't force them to take turns, but using an approach that slows them down and respects what they both want encourages sharing and turn taking. I used to do it this way when I worked in a center as well, but it was much harder to do it consistently as there were so many kids around, but in my home when I only have 5 or 6 kiddos, they all know the drill by now and many are starting to do it themselves without me having to intervene.

The trick is to have them do the asking! Even if you have to sit right there and supply each word. It really really works.

Hope this helps.
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AmandasFCC 01:07 PM 03-15-2011
I agree with Kendallina, I don't force sharing and I do pretty much exactly what you just described. If it's a situation where someone is "hogging" a toy, then I put a time limit on it. "You've had it for a long time, I think in 5 minutes, it's time to share it with Johnny." Generally they'll give it to Johnny sooner than 5 minutes.

For tattling ..... I've tried posting an ear that they can tell ... but that hasn't worked for me so I'm waiting for some suggestions on that
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daycare 03:24 PM 03-15-2011
I agree 100 % with the no force sharing

One of the lines that I hate to hear more than anything is "you have to share."
Hmmm why?

As adults do we demand things from others? No, we ask and 99.9% of the time we will say" do you mind if I use that when you are done?" This is exactly what I teach the kids.
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SilverSabre25 03:27 PM 03-15-2011
The wanter has to wait. The haver gets to finish. 75% of the time, the haver turns the toy over within mere seconds...90% within minutes. The remaining 10% I might remind the haver that someone else wants a turn and to finish up.

The traditional "haver has to share and do so immediately" method that's been used for so long is NOT sharing...it's adult-sanctioned taking.
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daycare 03:44 PM 03-15-2011
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25:
The wanter has to wait. The haver gets to finish. 75% of the time, the haver turns the toy over within mere seconds...90% within minutes. The remaining 10% I might remind the haver that someone else wants a turn and to finish up.

The traditional "haver has to share and do so immediately" method that's been used for so long is NOT sharing...it's adult-sanctioned taking.
100% agree with this
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Pammie 03:47 PM 03-15-2011
Originally Posted by daycare:
I agree 100 % with the no force sharing

One of the lines that I hate to hear more than anything is "you have to share."
Hmmm why?

As adults do we demand things from others? No, we ask and 99.9% of the time we will say" do you mind if I use that when you are done?" This is exactly what I teach the kids.
I teach my kids to ask, "When your turn is done, can I have a turn?"
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momatheart 04:52 PM 03-15-2011
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25:
The wanter has to wait. The haver gets to finish. 75% of the time, the haver turns the toy over within mere seconds...90% within minutes. The remaining 10% I might remind the haver that someone else wants a turn and to finish up.

The traditional "haver has to share and do so immediately" method that's been used for so long is NOT sharing...it's adult-sanctioned taking.
I will tell the wanter to go and ask so and so if they can play with the wanted toy when the haver is done with it. Usually the wanted toy is handed over quickly. WORKS GREAT.
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WImom 06:53 PM 03-15-2011
Thanks for the advice. I have been doing some of what you said and I think maybe I just haven't been doing it long enough to have it 'click' in their little heads.
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TBird 07:01 PM 03-15-2011
I kind of like this idea! And it's true...I have seen some children who will give up a toy if asked. I've also seen a child hand over a toy just because the other child put his/her hand out (no verbal communication necessary).
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Lucy 07:15 PM 03-15-2011
For the tattling - if it's petty - I've been known to completely ignore them. Go about my business and act like they're not there. If they keep persisting, I'll just say "ok". No more than that, just so they know I heard them. When they get no response from me, they go back to what they were doing.
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TBird 07:23 PM 03-15-2011
Originally Posted by Joyce:
For the tattling - if it's petty - I've been known to completely ignore them. Go about my business and act like they're not there. If they keep persisting, I'll just say "ok". No more than that, just so they know I heard them. When they get no response from me, they go back to what they were doing.
Works for me!!!
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daycare 07:41 PM 03-15-2011
Originally Posted by TBird:
Works for me!!!
I also hit my ignor button or I ask them to tell Mr. Bear..... That seems to work too.

We have a huge lifesize bear in the DC room
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laundrymom 07:53 PM 03-15-2011
How would you handle a 4 yr old who hoards stuff. Like, ALL the soft blocks, like 24 of them, or say, every red Lego? He has no dev issues, he just likes to have all of one toy.
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Abigail 09:12 PM 03-15-2011
Originally Posted by AmandasFCC:
I agree with Kendallina, I don't force sharing and I do pretty much exactly what you just described. If it's a situation where someone is "hogging" a toy, then I put a time limit on it. "You've had it for a long time, I think in 5 minutes, it's time to share it with Johnny." Generally they'll give it to Johnny sooner than 5 minutes.

For tattling ..... I've tried posting an ear that they can tell ... but that hasn't worked for me so I'm waiting for some suggestions on that
I like what a PP said about "Do I have ears and eyes" meaning you have seen it and heard it so they don't need to tell you again. Instead of having a poster of an ear on the wall, introduce "Tattle the Turtle" or another cute stuffed animal that they will be told to go tell. The kids usually think it's fun and I recommend you have two of these stuffed animals available because it may be needed.
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Tags:behavior modification, mind your business, redirection, tips
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