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  #1  
Old 06-02-2012, 03:35 PM
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Default Just What Do I Say.. and When Do I Say it ...

Friday my difficult DCD gave his two-week notice. Now the thing I need advice on the time about is when and how do I let mom know that I need her

to provide a car seat. The child came to me via DCD and then DCM came to meet me, wanted to add more days, and insisted on signing her own contract

I did not really think anything of it. Well I will not do that again and no longer will be offering that service from now on one parent must be the

contract parent. DCD provided a car seat and DCM has recently added all her days, meaning that until I got notice form DCD, DCB was full time with DCD

paying and DCM paying . When I mention to DCM she will know that DCD gave his notice, she will call DCD, and DCD will call me and give me

a “talk” about how it is unprofessional of me to talk to DCM about the stuff between him and his “private” day care provider. Any advice.

Last edited by Michael; 06-05-2012 at 03:04 PM.
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Old 06-02-2012, 05:31 PM
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I would just tell her the next time you see her. Why wait? Just tell her she needs to provide a carseat on her contracted days.
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  #3  
Old 06-02-2012, 05:40 PM
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I don't understand...so dad is terminating his contract and taking dcg to another daycare during his days but mom is still having dcg come to you on the days she has her?

Why????


Whether he likes it or not the child has a mother.

Anything that happens with the child isn't just "his" business, it's theirs. That's what having joint legal custody is. By law he doesn't have a choice to disclose all major changes he's instituting in her life when she's with him and could seriously be putting his time with her in jeopardy if he keeps that ridiculousness up.

With separated or divorced parents that share custody I CC anything and everything going on with the child to both. They both know that right off the bat.

This is not your burden nor should you be worried about it. If he whines I'd be liable to get pretty punchy back about why he hadn't told her himself when she's the child's own mother. Chances are there is a child custody order that outlines BOTH parents need to keep each other in the loop.

I don't put up with that fighting, secrets, he said she said, talk behind each others backs crap. I refuse to ever be put in the middle of it. Frankly, it disgusts me to high heaven.
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Old 06-02-2012, 06:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Willow View Post
I don't understand...so dad is terminating his contract and taking dcg to another daycare during his days but mom is still having dcg come to you on the days she has her?

Why????


Whether he likes it or not the child has a mother.

Anything that happens with the child isn't just "his" business, it's theirs. That's what having joint legal custody is. By law he doesn't have a choice to disclose all major changes he's instituting in her life when she's with him and could seriously be putting his time with her in jeopardy if he keeps that ridiculousness up.

With separated or divorced parents that share custody I CC anything and everything going on with the child to both. They both know that right off the bat.

This is not your burden nor should you be worried about it. If he whines I'd be liable to get pretty punchy back about why he hadn't told her himself when she's the child's own mother. Chances are there is a child custody order that outlines BOTH parents need to keep each other in the loop.

I don't put up with that fighting, secrets, he said she said, talk behind each others backs crap. I refuse to ever be put in the middle of it. Frankly, it disgusts me to high heaven.
You are %100 correct and what to advice is how I have handeled it in the past. When dad called and asked why did you tell DCM such and such I would say I did not know it was a secert or she asked and DCB is her child so I told her ect.

I just do not whant to have that conversation during DCD'd last 2 weeks

Because, DCM is going to take DCD to court and try to order him to keep DCB in my care during his days. I did not learn of this untill last week when DCD got caught in a lie about wither or not I was closed or open on the friday berfore memorial day.
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Old 06-02-2012, 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by familyschoolcare View Post
You are %100 correct and what to advice is how I have handeled it in the past. When dad called and asked why did you tell DCM such and such I would say I did not know it was a secert or she asked and DCB is her child so I told her ect.

I just do not whant to have that conversation during DCD'd last 2 weeks

Because, DCM is going to take DCD to court and try to order him to keep DCB in my care during his days. I did not learn of this untill last week when DCD got caught in a lie about wither or not I was closed or open on the friday berfore memorial day.
I doubt there is a judge that will order dad to keep her in the same daycare on his days unless mom has sole physical custody. It's not right, but that's family court for you.

And unfortunately it sounds like like it or not it is a conversation you're going to have to have. It'll be better to come up with a plan of how you'll respond instead of just hoping you won't have to. Sounds like this guy loves confrontation, chaos and control. Being prepared to respond to him is going to be your best bet.

I'd fire off mom an email (if that's how you communicate) right now.

If dad brings it up while dcg is present I'd squash it immediately with a "We can discuss this at a more appropriate time if you'd like but I refuse to allow any disrespect towards me or in regards mom in front of the child."

If he calls or emails later I'd keep things short and repeat if necessary, "Why did you feel you could keep that from her? I guess I had assumed as the child's mother you would have informed her of such a major change. I personally am required by law to communicate with both custodial parents. The child will need a new car seat and if you feel the need to neglect informing her mother of her changing needs someone has to."
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Old 06-02-2012, 07:10 PM
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I doubt there is a judge that will order dad to keep her in the same daycare on his days unless mom has sole physical custody. It's not right, but that's family court for you.


I guess I had assumed as the child's mother you would have informed her of such a major change. I personally am required by law to communicate with both custodial parents. The child will need a new car seat and if you feel the need to neglect informing her mother of her changing needs someone has to."
The judge would order it if it was in the best intrest of the child and DCD day care hooping every time that he gets caught lieing about the day care is not in the child best intrest.

Not sure what you are getting at with neglecting to inform the mother of a change ... Being required to communicate with both parents does not mean it is my job to tell mom DCD choose to fire me.

I plan on letting mom know she needs to suppy a car seat it just a matter of timing.

I think what I will do is the next day I see mom meantion that she was going to get me a carseatr for when dad needs to take hers.

IT IS NOT MY JOB TO TELL THE MOM WHAT DAD IS DOING WITH THE BOY IT IS DADS
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Old 06-02-2012, 08:17 PM
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The judge would order it if it was in the best intrest of the child and DCD day care hooping every time that he gets caught lieing about the day care is not in the child best intrest.

Not sure what you are getting at with neglecting to inform the mother of a change ... Being required to communicate with both parents does not mean it is my job to tell mom DCD choose to fire me.

I plan on letting mom know she needs to suppy a car seat it just a matter of timing.

I think what I will do is the next day I see mom meantion that she was going to get me a carseatr for when dad needs to take hers.

IT IS NOT MY JOB TO TELL THE MOM WHAT DAD IS DOING WITH THE BOY IT IS DADS
That's not at all what I was saying. Please don't yell in caps.


If dad doesn't want to tell mom she is going to need to provide a carseat then yes, it is your job to tell mom she needs to provide one....repeat, not your job to tell her he's pulling the child, but is your responsibility to request what the child needs.

As a provider you need certain items to care for all of the children in your care...diapers, wipes, sunscreen, extra clothes...and a carseat. If dad will no longer be providing the carseat you have to ask mom to because now it's her responsibility to provide one. That is not telling her dad fired you. It's simply requesting items you ask any parent to provide for any child in your care.


I am divorced, and I have children with my exhusband. I know family law court all too well. If mom takes him to court and claims he's moving her only because he got caught in a lie, dad can then just claim he was moving her because you and him didn't get along, because he didn't like the way you cared for his child etc. It would be her word against his, and a judge will not entertain claims that cannot be proven. Dads opinion on the care provided for his child is just as valid as mom's is, even if it's coming from the wrong place. It's nearly impossible to such prove intent, and proof is the only thing a judge will hear.

I'm not saying mom is wrong here, just like it or not that's the way it works.

Not to mention, would you really want to deal with a parent who was being *forced* to bring his child to you? If you think he's bad now how on earth would you expect that to play out??
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Old 06-03-2012, 08:36 AM
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I doubt there is a judge that will order dad to keep her in the same daycare on his days unless mom has sole physical custody.
Oddly, I just had this situation a few years ago. Parents were awarded 50-50 custody with child (age 15 months) spending one week with dad and one week with mom.

Judge ordered child to remain in my child care until school age in order for child to maintain some sort of consistency and routine as she had already been with me since birth. Dad wanted to change daycares (I am pretty sure just to make drama for mom) but judge actually made a court order that child remain with me.

Both sets of parents supplied me with the court documentation and the drop off and pick up schedule so I knew who was suppose to be doing what. Each parent was responsible for payment on their week. I wouldn't have done it that way as I prefer to have one payer and cc all other info but judge ordered payment to be separate so....

Worked out wonderful and I had the child until she went to Kindy. I really do think it was in child's best interest as this was a family who would drop off in one jacket and take it with them so the other parent couldn't use it so they had to bring another jacket when they picked up....
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Old 06-04-2012, 11:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Willow View Post
If dad doesn't want to tell mom she is going to need to provide a carseat then yes, it is your job to tell mom she needs to provide one....repeat, not your job to tell her he's pulling the child, but is your responsibility to request what the child needs.

As a provider you need certain items to care for all of the children in your care...diapers, wipes, sunscreen, extra clothes...and a carseat. If dad will no longer be providing the carseat you have to ask mom to because now it's her responsibility to provide one. That is not telling her dad fired you. It's simply requesting items you ask any parent to provide for any child in your care.


I am divorced, and I have children with my exhusband. I know family law court all too well. If mom takes him to court and claims he's moving her only because he got caught in a lie, dad can then just claim he was moving her because you and him didn't get along, because he didn't like the way you cared for his child etc. It would be her word against his, and a judge will not entertain claims that cannot be proven. Dads opinion on the care provided for his child is just as valid as mom's is, even if it's coming from the wrong place. It's nearly impossible to such prove intent, and proof is the only thing a judge will hear.

I'm not saying mom is wrong here, just like it or not that's the way it works.

Not to mention, would you really want to deal with a parent who was being *forced* to bring his child to you? If you think he's bad now how on earth would you expect that to play out??
Sorry from what I read it seamed like you where trying to say it was my job to talk to mom about everything

first your experience with the family courts is not the same as mine or others see blackcat's response.

My telling mom I need a carseat will be telling her that DCD has pulled their child from my daycare.
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Old 06-04-2012, 12:08 PM
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Oddly, I just had this situation a few years ago. Parents were awarded 50-50 custody with child (age 15 months) spending one week with dad and one week with mom.

Judge ordered child to remain in my child care until school age in order for child to maintain some sort of consistency and routine as she had already been with me since birth. Dad wanted to change daycares (I am pretty sure just to make drama for mom) but judge actually made a court order that child remain with me.

Both sets of parents supplied me with the court documentation and the drop off and pick up schedule so I knew who was suppose to be doing what. Each parent was responsible for payment on their week. I wouldn't have done it that way as I prefer to have one payer and cc all other info but judge ordered payment to be separate so....

Worked out wonderful and I had the child until she went to Kindy. I really do think it was in child's best interest as this was a family who would drop off in one jacket and take it with them so the other parent couldn't use it so they had to bring another jacket when they picked up....
I had almost the exact same situation here a couple of years ago. The judge will side with the Mom if the child has been ion the same child care for some time and it is a stable, healthy environment for the child.
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Old 06-05-2012, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
Oddly, I just had this situation a few years ago. Parents were awarded 50-50 custody with child (age 15 months) spending one week with dad and one week with mom.

Judge ordered child to remain in my child care until school age in order for child to maintain some sort of consistency and routine as she had already been with me since birth. Dad wanted to change daycares (I am pretty sure just to make drama for mom) but judge actually made a court order that child remain with me.

Both sets of parents supplied me with the court documentation and the drop off and pick up schedule so I knew who was suppose to be doing what. Each parent was responsible for payment on their week. I wouldn't have done it that way as I prefer to have one payer and cc all other info but judge ordered payment to be separate so....

Worked out wonderful and I had the child until she went to Kindy. I really do think it was in child's best interest as this was a family who would drop off in one jacket and take it with them so the other parent couldn't use it so they had to bring another jacket when they picked up....
It's interesting how different judges look at things.

I watched two boys. With me when Mom had them and with paternal grandmother when Dad had them. They spent two weeks with mom and then two weeks with dad.

Dad wasn't having to pay his mother to tend the boys. He was having to pay half the day care when the boys were with me.

He wanted his wife to take the boys to his mothers too. That meant zero $$ for him and he also wanted them with their grandmother.

Judge told him than when mom had them, she could use whoever she wanted and he had to pay. He had no say. Just as the mom had no say in whether the grandmother (who she despised) tended them the two weeks they were in dad's custody.
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