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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Should I term or not?
storytimeunicorn 04:23 PM 08-17-2018
Hello all, long time lurker but posting here for the first time. I need some advice. I have been opened almost a year and am running into a situation that I'm not sure what to do. Many of my kids who I have here are apart of the foster system. I have a heart for foster kids and while my DH says no more kids right now (we have 4), I feel like I get to make a positive impact on these kids without actually being a foster parent. I have one family who has been with me since the time I opened--they are foster parents and I sobbed when one of their foster kiddos got adopted that was with me for 6 months. Well, they received a couple new foster children and I agreed to take them. These two children have had extreme, unimaginable trauma in their short little lives and have to learn everything from scratch essentially. They are learning very quickly, but still have a long ways to go. Anyways, my DH was home today as he took our sons to the Dr for their physicals. He got home and was here the last 2 1/2 hours of my daycare hours. During that time, he fixed our toilet and while we were all outside, filled up the doggie pool to give our pups a bath. The little girl would not leave him alone from the second he got home minus the time he was fixing the toilet. He did his work and nothing more and I was with her the entire time. He plugged in the extension cord to blow dry one of our dogs and she cried "please don't hurt me" (trauma from her past), he told her he wasn't going to hurt her and this was to plug the blow drier in for the puppy. She was ok with that and kept watching his every move. There were several kids fascinated with everything he was doing today because they aren't used to him being here other than the very tail end of the day. When her foster mom came to pick her up, I told her about the instance and also explained that she would not stop following him. She told me for his protection (and ours) that I have to stand between them any time she gets anywhere close to him as they found out a lot more trauma instances last night that occurred from the case worker. This is because she does not want the little girl to get names mixed up about what happened to her and her say anything about my husband. My husband is extremely offended by this and although the mom said she knows the kids are 100% safe here and it's not him, he is still very upset by this. He had been contemplating working from home one day a week as he got a new job promotion and if I keep those kids here, he refuses to do so and also does not even want to come home now until after they are gone. I can't say I blame him on being offended. He is fantastic with kids and they all love him. He has never shown anything other than being a great male figure to all the kids. Should I tell them that we don't want any sort liability and they should look elsewhere or just not allow her anywhere near him? It breaks my heart he feels this way, he truly is a great husband and father who is amazing with all the kids when he is here.
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LysesKids 05:45 PM 08-17-2018
Originally Posted by storytimeunicorn:
Hello all, long time lurker but posting here for the first time. I need some advice. I have been opened almost a year and am running into a situation that I'm not sure what to do. Many of my kids who I have here are apart of the foster system. I have a heart for foster kids and while my DH says no more kids right now (we have 4), I feel like I get to make a positive impact on these kids without actually being a foster parent. I have one family who has been with me since the time I opened--they are foster parents and I sobbed when one of their foster kiddos got adopted that was with me for 6 months. Well, they received a couple new foster children and I agreed to take them. These two children have had extreme, unimaginable trauma in their short little lives and have to learn everything from scratch essentially. They are learning very quickly, but still have a long ways to go. Anyways, my DH was home today as he took our sons to the Dr for their physicals. He got home and was here the last 2 1/2 hours of my daycare hours. During that time, he fixed our toilet and while we were all outside, filled up the doggie pool to give our pups a bath. The little girl would not leave him alone from the second he got home minus the time he was fixing the toilet. He did his work and nothing more and I was with her the entire time. He plugged in the extension cord to blow dry one of our dogs and she cried "please don't hurt me" (trauma from her past), he told her he wasn't going to hurt her and this was to plug the blow drier in for the puppy. She was ok with that and kept watching his every move. There were several kids fascinated with everything he was doing today because they aren't used to him being here other than the very tail end of the day. When her foster mom came to pick her up, I told her about the instance and also explained that she would not stop following him. She told me for his protection (and ours) that I have to stand between them any time she gets anywhere close to him as they found out a lot more trauma instances last night that occurred from the case worker. This is because she does not want the little girl to get names mixed up about what happened to her and her say anything about my husband. My husband is extremely offended by this and although the mom said she knows the kids are 100% safe here and it's not him, he is still very upset by this. He had been contemplating working from home one day a week as he got a new job promotion and if I keep those kids here, he refuses to do so and also does not even want to come home now until after they are gone. I can't say I blame him on being offended. He is fantastic with kids and they all love him. He has never shown anything other than being a great male figure to all the kids. Should I tell them that we don't want any sort liability and they should look elsewhere or just not allow her anywhere near him? It breaks my heart he feels this way, he truly is a great husband and father who is amazing with all the kids when he is here.
You will always have sometime of liability just by taking kids for care - that said, I personally never allowed my son or hubby around my daycare babies for this reason. I also have had Foster kids in my care, and my oldest daughter was abused by a childcare providers hubby when she was very young, so I get being super protective (part of why I decided to open my own childcare)... if this little had issues because of the abuse, it's better hubby not be there because all it takes is one wrong statement & you can lose everything. The other option is to let the family go.

You have to live with your better half, so even if you love these kids, you can replace them with new clients, you can't replace hard feelings of your husband. Since he is bringing home $$, what makes more sense - his happiness or the love of the foster kids?

Most of my parents love the fact I am here solo (my better half died years ago & my kids are grown); discovered that many would not have chosen me if there was a man here during care hours. I jumped a lot of hoops to be able to take Foster kids for care - not willing to risk it, so even the guy I am dating, only sees me on weekends. This is just my opinion, but I would let the foster kids go in order to make my home life happy
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Michael 07:04 PM 08-17-2018
Welcome to the Forum!
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Mike 08:27 PM 08-17-2018
I agree with LysesKids. I can see your husbands point. It would bother me too if I were in his shoes, but I also understand that there are risks. There are risks with any child, but in cases like this, the risks are higher.

Daycare is risky enough under normal conditions. In this case, I see 3 options:
- Take the child and go about normal business, but being careful
- Take the child and be extra cautious, not letting husband around
- Don't take the child

If I were the male in this case, I'd be bother as well by option 2, and would also just not come home any time kids are their, but it would bother me daily because like him, I'd be thinking about how my fun being involved is gone because of this.

I would prefer either 1 or 3. If the girl as able to understand that he isn't the person who hurt her, I would take her and be careful, but if she's not old enough to differentiate 2 people, I would say no.
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storytimeunicorn 08:43 PM 08-17-2018
Thank you both for confirming what I am thinking. I did not want to be overreacting when it came to this decision as I hate with every fiber of my being what those kids were put through and also that we definitely have to tippy toe around our normal here, but understand they do not come from a regular background. I believe the biggest problem with her being able to differentiate is that she is only 2 and from what I have gathered are there were multiple men involved in her abuse, which makes me sick to my stomach every single time I think about that sweet girl. With that, I think I will end up having to term because it is not fair to my own husband to not to be able to feel comfortable in his own home and he should be able to be able to be here and to work from home when he chooses and not have any fear of any false accusations. Also, it is not fair to her to be told to stay away from him when he comes home and wants to play with his own children, which the daycare kids always end up joining and playing. All the other parents love him and that he goes out and plays catch with them or joins our crazy dance parties here, so I think it would be best for everyone to just have it come to a halt now before she gets even more attached to our family.
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amberrose3dg 04:56 AM 08-18-2018
Originally Posted by storytimeunicorn:
Thank you both for confirming what I am thinking. I did not want to be overreacting when it came to this decision as I hate with every fiber of my being what those kids were put through and also that we definitely have to tippy toe around our normal here, but understand they do not come from a regular background. I believe the biggest problem with her being able to differentiate is that she is only 2 and from what I have gathered are there were multiple men involved in her abuse, which makes me sick to my stomach every single time I think about that sweet girl. With that, I think I will end up having to term because it is not fair to my own husband to not to be able to feel comfortable in his own home and he should be able to be able to be here and to work from home when he chooses and not have any fear of any false accusations. Also, it is not fair to her to be told to stay away from him when he comes home and wants to play with his own children, which the daycare kids always end up joining and playing. All the other parents love him and that he goes out and plays catch with them or joins our crazy dance parties here, so I think it would be best for everyone to just have it come to a halt now before she gets even more attached to our family.
That is a good idea. I'm sure they will find a good provider for them.
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Mike 10:06 AM 08-18-2018
At age 2 with multiple men, definitely too risky. She could easily mistakenly say something that could ruin his life and your business. It will be sad to not be able to help this little girl, but for now, she needs to be somewhere with no men.

You've probably seen enough of my posts to know I'm one who likes doing things for children, and helping them out, but even I would stay out of this one and let someone else handle it.

I will pray for this little girl. Sounds like she's been through a lot, but she's still young enough to live a normal life. It's a good thing she was saved this early.
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Blackcat31 07:02 AM 08-20-2018
I think like Lyse said you will always have a high risk situation happening if you take in foster kids. Like daycare it simply comes with some risk that we can't avoid.

But we can protect ourselves in many ways.
I would consider getting indoor cameras that record at all times. I wouldn't allow access to the video footage to anyone but store footage for your (and your DH's) protection if ever needed.

I would also talk to the child's case worker and maybe see if you can't get some insight on how to manage this type of thing so that every day occurrences that are perfectly normal aren't ever misconstrued to be something they aren't. Especially when retold by a foster child. You should be able to have a direct line of communication to not only the foster parent but the case worker as well. Separate from the foster parents.

As part of the child's care team you should have access to all adult working in the child's best interests. This includes case workers and therapists.
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Ariana 10:10 AM 08-20-2018
100% agree with cameras! I had a dcg who was terrified of my DH and as far as I knew there was no trauma. Like your DH he wasn’t here a whole lot but he was my backup sometimes and he also works from home occasionally. We didn’t end up getting cameras but in this case mom said that dcg was afraid of other men and that she herself was afraid of men for no reason when she was young so there was a bit of understanding and context to it....meaning it wasn’t due to abuse.

I think in this situation you really need to cover your butts absolutely and cameras are the best way to do this.
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