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New Sheriff 01:21 PM 11-13-2011
Hi, all,

I'm having a problem with one of my parents, and am wondering if anyone else has had a similar situation and how you handled it. Any perspective/advice would be greatly appreciated.

So....Mom enrolled her 18-month-old daughter, 'Amy,' three months ago. It's no exaggeration to say that Mom has voiced a complaint/issue nearly every day since then...and they're such ridiculous issues that I feel stupid even repeating them. Yet, to give you an idea of what I've been dealing with...

Mom complained because daughter's bow came out of her hair during her nap. Child has very fine hair to begin with; bow was placed in her diaper bag.
Mom was quite unhappy about this. (??????)

Mom complained because 'Amy' had some dried food on her shirt at pickup. (The child WILL NOT keep a bib on), even though Mom insists she does at home. I'd like to mention that the lunch Mom sends with her is always some kind of Chinese food (no, I'm not making that up), tomato sauce-pasta and/or cheese sauce, berry (purple) applesauce or other messy/staining food that an adult would have trouble keeping off their clothing.

Mom complained because 'Amy' was put down for her nap with her shoes on. 'Amy' is an extremely light sleeper, and she tends to be rather whiny in general. The staff member who put the child down for nap left her shoes on because 'Amy' had fallen asleep in her high chair, and she didn't want to risk waking her up. (Like she never falls asleep at home with her shoes on???)

Mom was unhappy because she thought 'Amy' had fallen asleep with her sippy cup. This did not happen, but when the staff member replied, "so you don't want her to sleep with a cup?" The Mom gave her a withering stare and said, very slowly, "no child should. It rots their teeth."

These are only a few examples of the things she complains about. I could handle it better if she didn't have an issue EVERY SINGLE DAY, or if she didn't talk in such a condescending way. My staff, myself included, are all mothers with children from 5-38 years old, and two of us are retired school teachers with over 30 years of experience. I like to think we know a little bit about taking care of children.

In the meantime, this same mother strolled into the facility a whole hour late one day without letting us know what was going on. When a staff member nicely told her that we require a phone call when a child will be late, Mom copped an attitude and replied, "ummmm, yeahhhh....when I'm running errands and have a bunch of stuff to do in the morning, I don't have TIME to make phone calls." (??????????) I called her out on that one, and she actually 'behaved' herself for a few days after that.

I guess my main issue with this Mom is that she has all these complaints, yet she feeds the child adult food (Chinese food? Tough meat-type meals for an 18-month-old???), the little girl's hair and fingernails are in desperate need of a serious trim; she shows up with at least five to seven insect bites of some kind every week, and picks and scratches at them until they bleed (Mom doesn't medicate or dress these). The little girl is on the chubby side, but Mom continually dresses her in too-small/too-tight clothing that actually leaves indentations on her body. She also crams her chubby little feet in shoes that are woefully small, and ignores the little girl's crying when she does so. Little girl also has cracks in the skin on the bottoms of both of her big toes; these sometimes crack open and bleed. Again; no medication or dressing on these. After three months, these are still there.

So, keeping all these things in mind, it boggles my mind that not only does Mom have the nerve to complain about little things, but that if she's so dissatisfied with our 'care' of her daughter, why she continues to send her daughter to our daycare. I wrote her a letter on Friday, basically telling her that since we can't do anything to her satisfaction, it would be best for all of us if she sought child care elsewhere. I even included the phone number of another daycare that's actually much closer to her home. Unfortunately, one of my board members talked me out of sending it home with her.

Has anyone ever dealt with this before? I hate to lose the $$, of course, but it's just not worth it to me to listen to these constant complaints, in addition to being made to feel like some kind of incompetent moron. If anyone has any ideas, please share, before I lose my patience (or my sanity).



Thanks!
Reply
nannyde 01:58 PM 11-13-2011
Sistah you need to learn the art of escalation.

Mom: Little Amy slept with her shoes on at nap
You: Oh my goodness. We probably did permanent damage. She needs to see a pediatric podiatrist before she returns. We can't care for her until we know she's okay.

Mom: She has food on her clothes from lunch. She keeps her bib on at my house.
You: Oh my goodness. She is obviously way more advanced at home then she is in child care. I think she has some sort of social performance disorder. She must see a child psychiatrist before she can return to care. Something is definitely wrong with her ability to adapt in our environment. We need a care plan for her before she returns to make sure we don't further the damage.

Mom: Amy fell asleep with a sippy cup.
You: She didn't but that is a very serious situation. She needs to see a pediatric dentist before she returns to care. He will be able to tell you if we have caused tooth rot.

Get it?

Now the next phase is to do a COMPLETE head to toe exam of her EVERY day upon arrival. Have a clipboard JUST for her. Document and have the Mom sign for every bug bite, scratch, dirty fingernail. Make the Mom stay while you document EVERY SINGLE thing that is not normal or happened at home including ANY hygene issues or clothing issues. You need to start placing concrete expectations on her that she bring the child completely clean in clothing and shoes that FIT. She can't attend if she doesn't have a clean body and clothing that fits.

TAKE HER ON. The care of Amy needs to be perfect in every way every day.

What she's doing to you is forcing you to DO Mom. Start doing Mom. Start devoting yourself to MOM and placing expectations on MOM so that the care of Amy is as perfect as she claims it should be.

Join her in her quest to have the perfect Amy.
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Michael 02:41 PM 11-13-2011
I also noticed this is your sixth comment here since Mar 2010?
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Lucy 03:33 PM 11-13-2011
"So, keeping all these things in mind, it boggles my mind that not only does Mom have the nerve to complain about little things, but that if she's so dissatisfied with our 'care' of her daughter, why she continues to send her daughter to our daycare. I wrote her a letter on Friday, basically telling her that since we can't do anything to her satisfaction, it would be best for all of us if she sought child care elsewhere. I even included the phone number of another daycare that's actually much closer to her home. Unfortunately, one of my board members talked me out of sending it home with her."

You should have sent it home. You will never meet her expectations, so it's best she move on.
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daycare 03:35 PM 11-13-2011
Unless you have Nannyde's backbone I agree with above.

Let her go..
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mommiesherie 07:20 PM 11-13-2011
We had a mother like this at a center I worked at in the past. No other teacher or owner would deal with her but me. Lol. I am like nannyde kinda. I would just give it back to her with a smile. If she siad oh my goodness you have dirt in your shoe. Did they let you get dirty today? I would reply something like oh you know dirt is gonna kill her we will have to be sure she never goes outside or see's any sun light. With a cheesy grin. Then I said something like you know the state law says that we must provide the children with outside time each day weather permitting. Sorry but take it up with the state. Besides children really need it. Once she came in and I was busy doing something else so another teacher had to greet her. She gets her and says omg look at this punctire wound!! Runs to me and says look at this puncture wound on my baby! We lay her down and I look and can't see anything. I finally said is these two tiny bumps what you are talking about? Yes she says. I say wow they are tiny tiny bumps. Who knows what they are from but that is not a puncture wound and you know it. She gets in the floor and picks up every toy and inspects it to see it they could harm her child. Guess what she found nothing wrong at all. People like this you just have to be blunt with. She would come to me with problems and I have not idea why because I would just set her straight. Everyone seemed afraid of her. A bully does like to push around people who are afraid of them I guess but I offered her reassurance that her child was ok. Good luck with her. Either put it to her or let her go. This mom did get better over a few months of this behavior.
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misspollywog 09:02 PM 11-13-2011


You already got really great advice so I just wanted to say I love the tags for this post!


Reply
DCMom 07:26 AM 11-14-2011
Originally Posted by Joyce:
"So, keeping all these things in mind, it boggles my mind that not only does Mom have the nerve to complain about little things, but that if she's so dissatisfied with our 'care' of her daughter, why she continues to send her daughter to our daycare. I wrote her a letter on Friday, basically telling her that since we can't do anything to her satisfaction, it would be best for all of us if she sought child care elsewhere. I even included the phone number of another daycare that's actually much closer to her home. Unfortunately, one of my board members talked me out of sending it home with her."

You should have sent it home. You will never meet her expectations, so it's best she move on.
I agree. Puts the ball in her court.

I had/have a mom like this...she is still here, but it took a letter worded very similar to the above during her 4 week trial period to get her to stop voicing her 'concerns'. She still has her moments, but she is much more tolerable ~ she tries hard not to be a pita now. When ever she borders on the ridiculous, I give her the 'are you kiddin' me?' look and she backs off.

Lucky her kids are sweeties and her hours changed so I only see her about 3 times a week, otherwise she would have been outta here!
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nannyde 09:13 AM 11-14-2011
Originally Posted by misspollywog:


You already got really great advice so I just wanted to say I love the tags for this post!



I wish I knew how to add tags. I'd add "tag-your're-it"
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SilverSabre25 09:19 AM 11-14-2011
Originally Posted by nannyde:


I wish I knew how to add tags. I'd add "tag-your're-it"
Nanny, scroll down to the tags. In the box with the tags, in the upper right-hand corner, it says, "edit tags". Click that.
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youretooloud 10:30 AM 11-14-2011
I love the idea of doing a head to toe check each day.

"Ooh... I notice her sleeves are a little tight... they are leaving marks on her arm... hold on.. let me make a note of this..... here, can you initial right nex to my notations?"
Reply
SilverSabre25 10:31 AM 11-14-2011
Originally Posted by youretooloud:
I love the idea of doing a head to toe check each day.

"Ooh... I notice her sleeves are a little tight... they are leaving marks on her arm... hold on.. let me make a note of this..... here, can you initial right nex to my notations?"
Nah, initials are too easy. Make her sign her full name and time/date it!
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wdmmom 10:40 AM 11-14-2011
Originally Posted by New Sheriff:
Hi, all,

I'm having a problem with one of my parents, and am wondering if anyone else has had a similar situation and how you handled it. Any perspective/advice would be greatly appreciated.

So....Mom enrolled her 18-month-old daughter, 'Amy,' three months ago. It's no exaggeration to say that Mom has voiced a complaint/issue nearly every day since then...and they're such ridiculous issues that I feel stupid even repeating them. Yet, to give you an idea of what I've been dealing with...

Mom complained because daughter's bow came out of her hair during her nap. Child has very fine hair to begin with; bow was placed in her diaper bag.
Mom was quite unhappy about this. (??????)

Mom complained because 'Amy' had some dried food on her shirt at pickup. (The child WILL NOT keep a bib on), even though Mom insists she does at home. I'd like to mention that the lunch Mom sends with her is always some kind of Chinese food (no, I'm not making that up), tomato sauce-pasta and/or cheese sauce, berry (purple) applesauce or other messy/staining food that an adult would have trouble keeping off their clothing.

Mom complained because 'Amy' was put down for her nap with her shoes on. 'Amy' is an extremely light sleeper, and she tends to be rather whiny in general. The staff member who put the child down for nap left her shoes on because 'Amy' had fallen asleep in her high chair, and she didn't want to risk waking her up. (Like she never falls asleep at home with her shoes on???)

Mom was unhappy because she thought 'Amy' had fallen asleep with her sippy cup. This did not happen, but when the staff member replied, "so you don't want her to sleep with a cup?" The Mom gave her a withering stare and said, very slowly, "no child should. It rots their teeth."

These are only a few examples of the things she complains about. I could handle it better if she didn't have an issue EVERY SINGLE DAY, or if she didn't talk in such a condescending way. My staff, myself included, are all mothers with children from 5-38 years old, and two of us are retired school teachers with over 30 years of experience. I like to think we know a little bit about taking care of children.

In the meantime, this same mother strolled into the facility a whole hour late one day without letting us know what was going on. When a staff member nicely told her that we require a phone call when a child will be late, Mom copped an attitude and replied, "ummmm, yeahhhh....when I'm running errands and have a bunch of stuff to do in the morning, I don't have TIME to make phone calls." (??????????) I called her out on that one, and she actually 'behaved' herself for a few days after that.

I guess my main issue with this Mom is that she has all these complaints, yet she feeds the child adult food (Chinese food? Tough meat-type meals for an 18-month-old???), the little girl's hair and fingernails are in desperate need of a serious trim; she shows up with at least five to seven insect bites of some kind every week, and picks and scratches at them until they bleed (Mom doesn't medicate or dress these). The little girl is on the chubby side, but Mom continually dresses her in too-small/too-tight clothing that actually leaves indentations on her body. She also crams her chubby little feet in shoes that are woefully small, and ignores the little girl's crying when she does so. Little girl also has cracks in the skin on the bottoms of both of her big toes; these sometimes crack open and bleed. Again; no medication or dressing on these. After three months, these are still there.

So, keeping all these things in mind, it boggles my mind that not only does Mom have the nerve to complain about little things, but that if she's so dissatisfied with our 'care' of her daughter, why she continues to send her daughter to our daycare. I wrote her a letter on Friday, basically telling her that since we can't do anything to her satisfaction, it would be best for all of us if she sought child care elsewhere. I even included the phone number of another daycare that's actually much closer to her home. Unfortunately, one of my board members talked me out of sending it home with her.

Has anyone ever dealt with this before? I hate to lose the $$, of course, but it's just not worth it to me to listen to these constant complaints, in addition to being made to feel like some kind of incompetent moron. If anyone has any ideas, please share, before I lose my patience (or my sanity).



Thanks!
To solve your problems...no hair ties or bows. They are choking hazards. No bows or ponytails, no discussion.

Put a sweatshirt over her clothes when eating. Let her stain a $5 sweatshirt. Nothing on her clothes, no discussion.

Unless this kid is telling her mom that she slept with shoes on, it shouldn't be brought up or mentioned. As a precautionary measure, no child sleeps with shoes on. No discussion.

As for showing up late, implement STEEP late fees. Work on contracted hours. And, if I ever had a parent talk to me or my assistant like that, they'd get some Shaniqua head boppin' attitude right back along with a term notice.

I agree with the other posters. Keep record of her bumps, bruises, bug bites, marks, scratches, fingernails, etc. Turn the tables around.

"Say Brenda, Amy's nails really need some attention." "Say Brenda, have you seen these marks on Amy? Are they bug bites?" ETC.
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nannyde 10:50 AM 11-14-2011
Is this a state paid client by any chance?
Reply
New Sheriff 06:04 PM 12-01-2011
Hi, everyone!


I wanted to thank all of you for the fantastic (and amusing) suggestions on how to deal with this mother. (And Yes, NanyDE, she IS a state-paid client!) How did you ever guess? I'm sure you all have experienced this, but I have more problems with the state-paid clients than any of my private-pays. The sense of entitlement, the demands, the ridiculous expectations!!! UGH!

Anyway, here's an update on Super-Sanctimonious Mom:

She had more or less behaved herself for the past few weeks. She usually arrives in the afternoon, just as her precious angel is waking up from her nap. Of course, the little one's hair is usually messy -- she's been sleeping/rolling around, etc. First thing Mom always says is, "Look at you. You're a mess," and starts trying to fix her hair. The other day when she did this, I just sighed and said, "well, you'll have that." The next time she said it, I just rolled my eyes and walked away. She hasn't said it since.

However, she came in to pick up her daughter this afternoon -- unexpectedly, over an hour early -- and was fine initially. I told her that 'Amy' hadn't really eaten her lunch, as she'd fallen asleep in her high chair. She seemed displeased, but said nothing. She then immediately noticed that Amy wasn't wearing her socks. (Apparently she'd taken them off while in her pack n play -- out of my control, sorry), but had them in her hand.

Mom seemed really put out that I handed her a sock while I helped Amy put on the other sock. Then she suddenly said to the little girl, "you stink." Little Amy usually has two horrible BMs each day, and had either dirtied herself while sleeping, or right after waking. Again, Mom didn't say anything, but the unspoken accusation seemed to be that we'd put Amy down for her nap with a dirty diaper, which absolutely would never happen. I offered to change her diaper, even though I consider myself off the clock once mom or dad arrive. Mom said, "no, that's okay. I'll change her at home. I use cloth diapers." Okay, whatever.

Then, out of nowhere, she said, "you guys are aware that it's against the regulations to give a child a bottle that they've already drank out of." I just looked at her. I said, "what?" She said, "you're not supposed to put unfinished bottles in the refrigerator, then give them back to a child to finish. It's bacteria." I had no idea what she was talking about, honestly. Finally I said, "what do you mean?" She was like, "there's a bottle in the fridge that was in there yesterday." (??????) First of all, the bottle in question belongs to another child who was there the day before, but not today. Secondly, Perfect Mom doesn't know just by looking at said bottle whether it had ever been used by a child, how long it had been there, or why. I said, "Amy's bottle?" Amy doesn't drink out of bottles, but I was trying to make a point that, if it's not your child's bottle, you don't need to concern yourself. She, naturally, missed the point, and sighed (exasperatedly). "No; there's a bottle in the fridge that was there yesterday, and it's still in there. You're not allowed to give a child a bottle they've already drank out of. You guys know that, right?" (Can I just point out that this mom is at least 15 years younger than me, and 20-40 years younger than the rest of my staff, and to be spoken to in such a condescending manner made me want to rip her face off? Two of us have raised children to adulthood, and the other has successfully managed to keep a preschooler alive thus far, so we can't be too incompetent...right???)

Anyway, I just looked at her and said, "yeah, we do know that. We're all parents here, actually. But....thanks." I then walked away, and she left without another word. I really, really, really want to terminate her....do I have to have a reason, other than, "we can't meet your ridiculous, lofty, unattainable requirements, and you're a world-class P.I.T.A."??????

I just don't understand what her goal is, in all this. We're basically all she's got as far as child care, so I'd think she'd try a little harder to be on our good side. I personally wouldn't want to p*ss off anyone who was looking after my child. I'm just really, really tired of her coming in every single day with complaints, or instructions on how we're supposed to do our jobs. We've been at this for quite a few years now, so we really don't need her "expertise."

I hate to go on about it, because this post was supposed to just be a thank you for all the advice and support to my earlier rant, but I'll be honest, this really ruined my otherwise good day. I'm just glad for this forum, because I know that you guys understand how frustrating and often thankless child care can be. The kids aren't the stressful part at all, compared to some of these parents!

thanks for letting me vent!!!!
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cheerfuldom 07:03 PM 12-01-2011
yes you can term her. Tell her "from your comments, it doesn't seem like you are getting the care you are looking for for Amy. We want to give you the opportunity to find someone you do trust with her care and so have given you two weeks notice in order to have the chance to find a daycare that you are perfectly happy with. We wish you the best of luck in your search. Here is your termination notice, itemized list of fees due. Your last day will be...."

I would not be sighing, rolling my eyes or giving passive aggressive comments. no matter what she is doing, those response are not professional. either talk with her and get the problem solved or just let her go

For the bottle thing, I would have said "We are fully up to date with the state requirements. I am happy to address the particulars of Amy's care with you but not open to discussing the details on the care of any other children. Since that is not Amy's bottle, it's not something that you need to be concerned about". I guess I am just really straight forward at this point but I also no longer have the micro managing moms any more.
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snowball 09:12 AM 12-02-2011
Yes, you can terminate. You don't need a reason. I would say that the fact that you dread seeing her everyday would be an indication that you NEED to terminate.

The day I start not wanting to be around a family, is the day I let them go. Life is too short to hate your job because of other people.
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dave4him 09:48 AM 12-02-2011
You have enough to deal with, just remove her
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BigMama 09:54 AM 12-02-2011
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Is this a state paid client by any chance?
[quote=New Sheriff;172612]Hi, everyone!


I wanted to thank all of you for the fantastic (and amusing) suggestions on how to deal with this mother. (And Yes, NanyDE, she IS a state-paid client!) How did you ever guess? I'm sure you all have experienced this, but I have more problems with the state-paid clients than any of my private-pays. The sense of entitlement, the demands, the ridiculous expectations!!! UGH!


Ok, I totally understand that this parent was REALLY disrespectful and difficult to deal with, but I am annoyed and disgusted with the assumptions and attitudes towards parents who utilize child care subsidies. I understand that some people do have a ridiculous sense of entitlement, however, this isn't a class issue. I have come across middle and upper class parents with "the world owes me" attitude just as often as I have had "state-paid" parents with the same attitude. I can say though, that in my experience, the parents that have been subsidized have been some of my best clients! Their kids came clean and prepared everyday, followed all of my policies, and were never late. I think that many of us, including many people on this forum, are just one paycheck or two away from qualifying for a state child care subsidy. It wouldn't change who who are as people or the fact that we deserve respect.
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Unregistered 10:09 AM 12-02-2011
This mom is just trying to assert her "control" or have "control"

I would tell her that she is making you uncomfortable and your staff with her negativity and always finding something to pick at you about, that you have been in business for many years and your best interest is in the children. Explain to her that her child is in group care, not one on one care. If she wants to look for care somewhere else that would better suit what she wants for her daughter that is fine but for the time that she is here she needs to stop with the comments and call after hours if she has issues to discuss with you. It's making staff and other parents uncomfortable.

A lot of Single parents/moms of parents that the child has been taken away for a time- these parents always feel they are on guard and bring up the smallest things to "show" that they are "good" parents. They usually focus on rashes- the tiniest little bump will need to be seen by a doctor- for one thing they have the free health card that can get them in to see a Dr. anytime they have a sniffle or sneeze and it makes them look like "good" caring parents, because they took charge, when actually they have failed somewhere along the line to cause the circumstances they are in. It's the only control they have in their falling apart world.

Don't take it personally and don't allow it. Either thank her for bringing it to your attention or tell her to please have a little faith in your care abilities or find other care that would be more suited to her needs. Explain to her that good communication is essential to the caregiver/parent relationship. If it continues let her go- she could become a liability-turn on you and make a bad rep for your daycare. You don't need that. I agree with not making the eyes and faces- keep it professional. Hard to do at times when your dealing with the difficult.

Another thing is tell her no bows at nap time, they fall out, get lost and can be dangerous if the little guys get them. Only send her in play clothes and expect her to get messy at times- because she has played hard. Ask her for two changes of play clothes in case she gets wet or has a food mess. Even with bibs often the clothes get stuff on them. Give her a list of what is acceptable for lunch foods to be brought into daycare or go on the food program and that will be solved. Explain your policies for everything she says and have a copy handy in case. Make sure they are clear. Next time she comments on something that doesn't concern her(nicely) say to her, Do you know how long I have been doing childcare for? Thank you for your concern. End it.

Good luck and sorry for the run on sentences
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Meeko 10:33 AM 12-02-2011
[quote=BigMama;172902]
Originally Posted by New Sheriff:
Hi, everyone!


I wanted to thank all of you for the fantastic (and amusing) suggestions on how to deal with this mother. (And Yes, NanyDE, she IS a state-paid client!) How did you ever guess? I'm sure you all have experienced this, but I have more problems with the state-paid clients than any of my private-pays. The sense of entitlement, the demands, the ridiculous expectations!!! UGH!


Ok, I totally understand that this parent was REALLY disrespectful and difficult to deal with, but I am annoyed and disgusted with the assumptions and attitudes towards parents who utilize child care subsidies. I understand that some people do have a ridiculous sense of entitlement, however, this isn't a class issue. I have come across middle and upper class parents with "the world owes me" attitude just as often as I have had "state-paid" parents with the same attitude. I can say though, that in my experience, the parents that have been subsidized have been some of my best clients! Their kids came clean and prepared everyday, followed all of my policies, and were never late. I think that many of us, including many people on this forum, are just one paycheck or two away from qualifying for a state child care subsidy. It wouldn't change who who are as people or the fact that we deserve respect.
I have had state parents who are the salt of the earth. Great parents, well behaved kids etc. I respect them a lot. It's hard for some to ask for help.

But sadly they are VERY much the minority. You are very, very lucky if you have had good state pay parents all the time.

I'm going to be completely honest and say the majority of state pay clients I have had (and they are MANY over 27 years) are lucky the state hasn't taken their kids altogether. The kids would be better off if they did. Mothers who want to spend as little time with their offspring as possibe (yes I know self-pay do that too) because they weren't really wanted in the first place. More kids = more benefits and less work. I have tended children who are simply a means to a bigger check for their mothers. Mothers in their 20's with 4 kids all with different last names or some don't even KNOW who the father is.

I tend 6 siblings who's home life is dreadful. Filthy home. Only fed good food when they are here. They are here at least 50 hours a week even though their mother only makes sure to work 30 (more would mean less benefits...and she gladly tells me that) The kids all have various dad's. They have no stability in their lives except when at day care. Their mother...quite honestly...is a waste of skin. She's a nasty person and a a bad parent.

I keep these kids because I love them all, but I am soooooo sick of their mother whining about how she doesn't get this or that from the state and what is she supposed to do because she has 6 kids??

Work more hours and SUPPORT them!!! Or how about figuring out how birth control works???

I have friends on state assistance. I know they are grateful for it, but have told me that when they call to ask a question, the state workers are cold and almost rude to them. I have had to explain to them that these poor folks deal with the ungrateful and entitled EVERY SINGLE DAY. They spend hours and hours on the phone with rude, ungrateful, demanding parents who assume all they have to do is hold out their hand and it will be filled. So please excuse them if they sound jaded and tend to treat all callers with indifference after a while. They get tired of the "woe is me" mind-set.

Don't get me wrong.....some NEED the help. But it is supposed to temporary. Not a way of life.

I just got rid of a state family (see my recent thread on getting rid of state clients!)

That was typical behavior. Couldn't be bothered to fill out a few forms to make sure benefits were issued for child care. Then they were very upset I wouldn't tend for free. It was all about them and what they "had" to have. They really truly believed I was supposed to help them out simply because they are state clients. They believed they were supposed to get special treatment.

The mom is pregnant with her 4th child, but says she can't cope with the 3 she already has (that's why the state were paying for day care....she sits at home all day, while the dad works part-time..yet the kids were here 6-6 M-F) She supposedly has mental problems, but I get the feeling they are milking the system for all they can get. Why would any decent father get his wife pregnant again if he knows she genuinely can't take care of it???

Why are they having another child? Bigger benefits check. And they admitted as much with comments they made.

It enrages me. I raised 4 kids with not much money. We went without. We budgeted. And yet funnily enough these welfare parents have nice cars, big screen TV's etc etc. The mother of 6 I just mentioned, buys SEASON ski passes every year. She proudly wears the tag on her coat and goes most weekends. All compliments of me and the taxes I pay to support her.

I just bite my tongue to the parents as much as I can and try and provide the kids with love and stability. A bath when needed as they don't get them at home and extra clothes my girls have outgrown etc. The kids say thank you...the mom never does. Not that I expect it from her. Entitlement is her middle name and she EXPECTS it.
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e.j. 01:59 PM 12-02-2011
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
This mom is just trying to assert her "control" or have "control"

Don't take it personally and don't allow it.
I agree. I've run into this situation twice before and neither mom was state paid or single. Neither wanted to work outside the home but had to help support the family. I think they were just trying to assure themselves that they were still good moms (better moms) and in control of the care being given to their child.

In each case, I sat down with them and discussed the things they had said that were making me feel upset and defensive. In both cases, I told them I had been doing day care long enough to know and accept the fact that I could not be all things to all people and that if they were unhappy with the care I was providing to their children, there would be no hard feelings on my part if they decided to end our child care agreement as long as they gave proper notice. They were both caught a little off-guard and it was clear to me they hadn't though about how their comments were coming across to me. The little digs and comments stopped immediately. They both kept their kids in my care and they became two of my best long-term clients.

I'd have a talk with her. She may not realize how her comments are coming across to you. If she doesn't stop, then I'd think about suggesting she find someone else to care for her kid. Life is too short!
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Ariana 02:08 PM 12-02-2011
I think it's moms who HATE having their kids in someone else's care and nothing you do will ever measure up. It's their own guilt that causes them to act like this really and it has nothing to do with you!!

I wouldn't take it personally but it does sound uber annoying!!!
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Unregistered 02:34 PM 12-02-2011
[quote=Meeko60;172944]
Originally Posted by BigMama:

I have had state parents who are the salt of the earth. Great parents, well behaved kids etc. I respect them a lot. It's hard for some to ask for help.

But sadly they are VERY much the minority. You are very, very lucky if you have had good state pay parents all the time.

I'm going to be completely honest and say the majority of state pay clients I have had (and they are MANY over 27 years) are lucky the state hasn't taken their kids altogether. The kids would be better off if they did. Mothers who want to spend as little time with their offspring as possibe (yes I know self-pay do that too) because they weren't really wanted in the first place. More kids = more benefits and less work. I have tended children who are simply a means to a bigger check for their mothers. Mothers in their 20's with 4 kids all with different last names or some don't even KNOW who the father is.

I tend 6 siblings who's home life is dreadful. Filthy home. Only fed good food when they are here. They are here at least 50 hours a week even though their mother only makes sure to work 30 (more would mean less benefits...and she gladly tells me that) The kids all have various dad's. They have no stability in their lives except when at day care. Their mother...quite honestly...is a waste of skin. She's a nasty person and a a bad parent.

I keep these kids because I love them all, but I am soooooo sick of their mother whining about how she doesn't get this or that from the state and what is she supposed to do because she has 6 kids??

Work more hours and SUPPORT them!!! Or how about figuring out how birth control works???

I have friends on state assistance. I know they are grateful for it, but have told me that when they call to ask a question, the state workers are cold and almost rude to them. I have had to explain to them that these poor folks deal with the ungrateful and entitled EVERY SINGLE DAY. They spend hours and hours on the phone with rude, ungrateful, demanding parents who assume all they have to do is hold out their hand and it will be filled. So please excuse them if they sound jaded and tend to treat all callers with indifference after a while. They get tired of the "woe is me" mind-set.

Don't get me wrong.....some NEED the help. But it is supposed to temporary. Not a way of life.

I just got rid of a state family (see my recent thread on getting rid of state clients!)

That was typical behavior. Couldn't be bothered to fill out a few forms to make sure benefits were issued for child care. Then they were very upset I wouldn't tend for free. It was all about them and what they "had" to have. They really truly believed I was supposed to help them out simply because they are state clients. They believed they were supposed to get special treatment.

The mom is pregnant with her 4th child, but says she can't cope with the 3 she already has (that's why the state were paying for day care....she sits at home all day, while the dad works part-time..yet the kids were here 6-6 M-F) She supposedly has mental problems, but I get the feeling they are milking the system for all they can get. Why would any decent father get his wife pregnant again if he knows she genuinely can't take care of it???

Why are they having another child? Bigger benefits check. And they admitted as much with comments they made.

It enrages me. I raised 4 kids with not much money. We went without. We budgeted. And yet funnily enough these welfare parents have nice cars, big screen TV's etc etc. The mother of 6 I just mentioned, buys SEASON ski passes every year. She proudly wears the tag on her coat and goes most weekends. All compliments of me and the taxes I pay to support her.

I just bite my tongue to the parents as much as I can and try and provide the kids with love and stability. A bath when needed as they don't get them at home and extra clothes my girls have outgrown etc. The kids say thank you...the mom never does. Not that I expect it from her. Entitlement is her middle name and she EXPECTS it.
Can we have an Amen to this post!!! When are we going to smarten up as a country and stop this??? Its supposed to be a hand up to help not a way of life!!! Thank you for posting
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Christian Mother 04:00 PM 12-03-2011
Originally Posted by Unregistered:

A lot of Single parents/moms of parents that the child has been taken away for a time- these parents always feel they are on guard and bring up the smallest things to "show" that they are "good" parents. They usually focus on rashes- the tiniest little bump will need to be seen by a doctor- for one thing they have the free health card that can get them in to see a Dr. anytime they have a sniffle or sneeze and it makes them look like "good" caring parents, because they took charge, when actually they have failed somewhere along the line to cause the circumstances they are in. It's the only control they have in their falling apart world.
Ummm I can totally disagree with that statement!

Are there people that set them selves up for failure...sure...I...but there are some very smart people out there that know very well how to use the system. The system should be regulating better I think..

But, to get back to my point...I am in the amists of apply for aid. My husband lost his job of 12 yrs. Where a young couple married almost 10 yrs and can probably start over and be ok. But that doesn't mean that we where the cause of what happened or that we earned it some way or another. Things happen and there not always good. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Does this suck for us...yes, bc it's scary and it's embarrassing! We are ones that help others and now we are the ones in need. Even to this day we are providing for 2 children that are with out for xmas. I can't seem to get pasted the fact that we are about to loss everything and we're out helping others. Its just a weird way of thinking...I guess I am more sympathetic bc we're going through it our selves.

Listen, if I had this family...and I did at one time...I would have a straight forward talk. I am not sure if you are a in home daycare or facility. But this is my business and if I felt I was being questioned about how I ran things and felt disrespected to the point that my rules where constantly being broken I'd term. Point blank. You just need to get to a point in your discussions that you take control back. Be fair but also compassionate...try finding out why she is so needy in her care for her child. I understand from day 1 that my needy parents where bc dcd told me he is ocd, that dcm was stressed out bc of dcd's condition, that mom ran her own in home daycare and had a hard time relinquishing control. I had a talk with dcd since dcm told me that dcd is the who is to be talked to about any problems. So the conversation I had was they needed to fully trust me otherwise our relationship was not going to work. There would be nothing I could do to make that better for them. Understanding that my background in children was over 20+ yrs. I have my own children I am raising as well. Am I bound to make mistakes..of course we all do and they will to...that is ok..as long as we are all working together and can communicate with out getting offending we will do just fine. ultimately this family was term. over respect issues.
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Unregistered 07:25 AM 12-04-2011
Originally Posted by Christian Mother:
Listen, if I had this family...and I did at one time...I would have a straight forward talk. I am not sure if you are a in home daycare or facility. But this is my business and if I felt I was being questioned about how I ran things and felt disrespected to the point that my rules where constantly being broken I'd term. Point blank.

You just need to get to a point in your discussions that you take control back. Be fair but also compassionate...try finding out why she is so needy in her care for her child.

Am I bound to make mistakes..of course we all do and they will to...that is ok..as long as we are all working together and can communicate with out getting offending we will do just fine. ultimately this family was term. over respect issues.
This!! I honestly believe that 99.9% of the issues we have with daycare parents can be solved by direct, honest, open communication. It doesn't mean we have to cave and bend our rules or that we have to take the short end of the stick but we DO have to find a way to work TOGETHER and make sure we (both parent and provider) are clear about what our responsibilities and expectations are and that we each do our part.

If that doesn't or can't happen, then it is time to part ways. It isn't fair to a child, a parent or a provider to continue in a reationship that is building resentment on either side. No matter how much providers need the money or parents need the care, it isn't right to not talk about things just because they are uncomfortable. It needs to be discussed it until a solution is found.

I hear a lot of providers on here say things like,"I am just not good at confrontation or I don't like to be so upfront about things" etc...

Well, in all honestly, TOUGH! It is part of the job. It is our responsibility as child care providers to do what is best. Especially for the child. It is our responsibility to be the one who has to address uncomfortabe situations...it comes with the territory. If we continue to avoid it, then we end up being very unhappy in what we do and that makes for very unhappy children and that is not fair to them at all.

Communication is absolutely the key!!!!
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Michelle 09:40 AM 12-04-2011
Originally Posted by Ariana:
I think it's moms who HATE having their kids in someone else's care and nothing you do will ever measure up. It's their own guilt that causes them to act like this really and it has nothing to do with you!!

I wouldn't take it personally but it does sound uber annoying!!!
I totally agree with you!
There are some moms that don't want their child in daycare.
In Calif. they are forced to either go to work or school and get off welfare. (which I totally agree with btw)
I'm not talking about all moms, just some that don't want them in daycare.

They kinda think, "I can take take care of my childbetter than anyone on this earth so I am going to nick pick this daycare to death because I feel so threatened and sad"
I also agree with all the other posts about the state pay moms but also consider how you would feel in this situation.
Also, Nan!
You Rock and you are hilarious
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renodeb 09:35 AM 12-05-2011
I would send the letter home, I have had super picky moms through here, it can be a drain. I had one mom who insisted on putting a big bow on her daughter every day, and every day it would endup coming out or the child would pull it out. Needless to say it would up in her cubby every day. Mom persisted though.
I always have to remember that we cant be all things to all parents. This mom will probably never be satisfied anywhere she goes. Let us know what happens.
Debbie
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Tags:complain, little diva, mommy dearest, parent - complains, parents - are clueless, tag-you're-it
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