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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Am I Horrible Grandma
Lil_Diddle 06:30 PM 03-07-2019
My stepson and his SO had a baby girl last April. They came to me and asked if I’d take her in my daycare. Of course, I can’t imagine anyone else caring for my grand baby. But I did tell them before she was born that the last few years I’ve been working towards having all teachers kids. The last few years in the summers it’s been just my kids ages 11 and 3 and my nieces 9 and 4. It’s been very nice and relaxed. This year the younger two can make it through the day without a nap if I want them to. All I’ve been working towards of relaxed summers, being able to hop in the car and go the pool, park, movies etc... are not really easy to do with an infant in tow. And the idea of being stuck inside all summer sounds like no fun, especially with two SA kids.

I did tell them upfront about me doing all teachers kids, so they were aware but we never really discussed what that would mean. I love her and love having her here. But I really don’t want to keep her for the summer, I want to enjoy it with my children.

Please let me know your thoughts and ideas of how I should handle this? I’m feeling so torn
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sharlan 07:06 PM 03-07-2019
Oh, boy, do I understand. I've been watching my grandkids since the eldest was born 23 years ago. I didn't have any younger kids.

Is there anyone who could watch the baby part of the time so you could plan outings with the older kids?
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Pestle 07:07 PM 03-07-2019
It's up to you to decide what to do, but what to say if you choose not to take the new baby is pretty straightforward. You're no longer accepting infants into your program. That might change in the future, but right now, it would alter your entire program and have a negative effect on all of your other clients if you changed things now to accept an infant.

Then there is also "After consideration, I've decided that I won't be providing care to other family members' kids. For the sake of maintaining good will in my family relationships, I will only be taking on non-related people as clients." But again, that is up to you and maybe you do want to leave open the possibility of working for family members. I would not feel comfortable taking on any close friends or relatives as clients. I was warned in my previous career that one of the worst things you can ever do is work for family, and it seems that all the horror stories I heard to illustrate the point carry over into daycare.
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Josiegirl 02:04 AM 03-08-2019
I would explain it from your heart. Tell them exactly what you've said here, that you love having her in your home but the summers you've been working towards, will not work for you with an infant. Beware, they might not take it too kindly. Can you do PT? Can you help them find reliable dc?
It sounds like a difficult position to be in but I think it'd be really hard to trade in your longed-for summers back to infant care, specially because your own kids are involved. Kids have a way of growing up too fast and then we'll never be as important in their lives again, as their peers are.
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Snowmom 06:07 AM 03-08-2019
No, you're not a bad grandma!

The only thing I can see being an issue is that you said you take in your niece's kids. So, they will be there in the summer? That may cause some friction that you will take some family, just not his.
Explain it to him honestly: You travel a lot with the small group of school agers you will have and it's just not feasible to bring an infant along. Give them a specific start and end date (and restart date). Look up some temporary care for them if you want too.

Good luck!
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Blackcat31 06:10 AM 03-08-2019
I totally understand working towards a goal (care free easy summers) and honestly I don't think I'd be willing to bend or let it go.

I would tell them daycare during summer is not an option.
However, a grandma day now and then is still a possibility.

Then I'd take the baby now and then when it's convenient for YOU and manageable in whatever you have planned for that day.

I'd probably try to help them find back up care for the summer if you are able to as being a provider allows you some networking abilities that not everyone has. A summer college student or a maybe a provider that fills spaces in the summer temporarily. kwim?

I would absolutely not feel one bit guilty about not taking baby in the summer. That care free easy summer is not a small thing in our world and although this is family it's still not something I'd be willing to give up.

I am sure they will understand and if not, well like every parent that doesn't see our perspective, it doesn't change things. Take the care free summer and enjoy!
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CountryRoads 06:36 AM 03-08-2019
No, you are not a horrible grandma! If I had the chance to have a relaxed summer with my own kids, no way would I be willing to give that up!

I like what BC said about occasionally offering "grandma days" - but at YOUR convenience.

I would hope they would understand.

I gotta be honest, though. I watched a nephew of mine and I will NEVER watch family again. The parents expected special treatment, didn't want to follow my policies, and took advantage of me. It caused a lot of tension and resentment on both sides.

If you watch their child, I personally would address your expectations as far as your polices goes.
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rosieteddy 07:07 AM 03-08-2019
So is she already in daycare?She will be 14 months in the summer then right.If she has been coming and you didn't stipulate no care in summer then I think feelings will be hurt.It is not easy finding care for just 2 months .What about asking /telling them you want to have two days off a week.Maybe suggest other Grandmotheror Aunt .Do they pay for the slot?You are not a bad Grandmother ,but I would tread carefully.Families don't know how hard Daycare is on our own families.I hope it works for you.If you decide to keep her still do the field trips you will still enjoy the time with them.
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LittleExplorers 09:18 AM 03-08-2019
Suggest they find a summer college student or a teacher who takes on a family for the summer. IF you want, offer to be a back up for when that person is sick etc. I have 2 kiddos and we have retired parents. I know it's not the same, but I would never expect them to provide care. Sometimes I think it even takes away from the grandparent relationship when they are the regular care giver.

I have only one non-teacher family and they have an older niece watch the kiddos in the summer and non-school days. The niece is happy for the $.
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Ariana 11:17 AM 03-08-2019
Put yourself first! You’ve raised your kids and it is time for your kid to figure out raising hers. I always feel so bad for grandmas who have to now raise their grandchildren (I don’t know why they probably enjoy it for all I know!).

I would just tell your daughter exactly what you told us. Put up a firm boundary around your sanity because it is all we have in life. If she loves and respects you she will respect and understand your boundaries. If she is a narcissist she will kick and scream when hearing the word NO!
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Lil_Diddle 04:03 PM 03-08-2019
I thought about part time, and they have someone whose been able to take her in as a drop in on the no school days when I’ve been closed. I know the other lady Changed her part time policy recently, so I’m not sure if she’d take her part time. I know her and considered asking her first before saying anything to them. I’d still love to have her one or two days a week. But I also know, I personally don’t do part time care or drop ins for infants because I know how important their routines are. Unfortunately, both of her biological grandma’s are unreliable. One has not even met her yet and the other says she’ll keep her sometimes and then backs out last minute.

I was on the fence when asked about keeping her, just because the last 4 years I’ve been looking forward to these summers, and next summer my school district offers summer school in June so I’ll have no kids at all and my husband and I are looking forward to putting our RV to some real use in June. Awkwardly enough, knowing we were planning big summer camping trips it was my husband and my own mother that guilted me for even thinking of not keeping her. The kicker is all this stress and I charge them half the rate that I charge for other infants (trust me my husband and mom guilt me big time over that as well “how can you charge your own kids” “will you do that with your own biological kids when they have kids”
Ugh, my husband was a young dad with my stepson, now he himself is a young dad. I’m 37, I’m not prepared to be a grandma. I just finished the baby/toddler stage with my own son. 😫 I need therapy! Lol
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e.j. 04:52 PM 03-08-2019
Originally Posted by Lil_Diddle:
Awkwardly enough, knowing we were planning big summer camping trips it was my husband and my own mother that guilted me for even thinking of not keeping her. The kicker is all this stress and I charge them half the rate that I charge for other infants (trust me my husband and mom guilt me big time over that as well “how can you charge your own kids” “will you do that with your own biological kids when they have kids”
Maybe your mom and husband can offer to watch the baby themselves during the summer....for free. Since they're so quick to lay the guilt trip on you, it's only reasonable to expect your husband to care for his own biological grandchild or for your mom to do it since her own adult child needs a break and wants to go camping with her husband during the summer months. It's only 2-3 months, after all! Doesn't she want to help out?? How could either one of them refuse given their expectations of you??? Gotta love getting a guilt trip from people who won't step up to do the job they're guilting you into doing.

I would sit down with your step son and his so, explain what you've explained here. If you do it soon enough, they should have time to find someone for the summer if you do it soon.

For what it's worth, if I'm still doing day care when/if my kids have children, I will probably charge them unless they're struggling financially and I can afford to help them out. In general, I think when people have to pay, they appreciate what they get a little more than when they get a freebie. My kids and I have talked about it in the past and they agree, saying they wouldn't have it any other way.
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sharlan 05:36 PM 03-08-2019
Originally Posted by Lil_Diddle:
I thought about part time, and they have someone whose been able to take her in as a drop in on the no school days when I’ve been closed. I know the other lady Changed her part time policy recently, so I’m not sure if she’d take her part time. I know her and considered asking her first before saying anything to them. I’d still love to have her one or two days a week. But I also know, I personally don’t do part time care or drop ins for infants because I know how important their routines are. Unfortunately, both of her biological grandma’s are unreliable. One has not even met her yet and the other says she’ll keep her sometimes and then backs out last minute.

I was on the fence when asked about keeping her, just because the last 4 years I’ve been looking forward to these summers, and next summer my school district offers summer school in June so I’ll have no kids at all and my husband and I are looking forward to putting our RV to some real use in June. Awkwardly enough, knowing we were planning big summer camping trips it was my husband and my own mother that guilted me for even thinking of not keeping her. The kicker is all this stress and I charge them half the rate that I charge for other infants (trust me my husband and mom guilt me big time over that as well “how can you charge your own kids” “will you do that with your own biological kids when they have kids”
Ugh, my husband was a young dad with my stepson, now he himself is a young dad. I’m 37, I’m not prepared to be a grandma. I just finished the baby/toddler stage with my own son. 😫 I need therapy! Lol
My oldest dd was a young mom, 18 1/2. I charged her full rates for daycare. Her and her bf (now dh) were responsible for all related expenses - diapers, formula, food, clothes. Granddaughter took a space and they paid for it. I did not charge for the younger 3, though.
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Lil_Diddle 06:00 PM 03-08-2019
Originally Posted by sharlan:
My oldest dd was a young mom, 18 1/2. I charged her full rates for daycare. Her and her bf (now dh) were responsible for all related expenses - diapers, formula, food, clothes. Granddaughter took a space and they paid for it. I did not charge for the younger 3, though.
That’s what I explained, I have to charge them something. Where I live related immidiate family by blood, marriage and adoption do not count in my ratios. But she’s a baby, which means a lot of work, I only have physical space for two babies, I have an assistant and I increased her hours to help with the babies (and FYI she is not available to help them out in summer, she took the job knowing she would not be working no school days and has 4 schoolage children of her own very active in sports)

And they have been very responsible but have also made it awkward at times. Theyve forgotten to bring the check multiple times, and I hate talking to them about money. Occasionally they both have to work on Saturdays. The first few times I helped them out, but eventually told them I want to be the last resort even though I’m usually home not doing much and for the first time the other day they were half an hour late picking her up. They had a miscommunication, I didn’t charge them but I did talk to them about it, especially since my own child is starting back into the soccer season soon.

Don’t get me wrong I love having her here, and knowing I’m probably the only REAL grandma that acts like a grandma that she will have. I just feel so frustrated with it at times. They are just 21 and his SO is already so ready for more kids. That’s just not going to work for me
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Josiegirl 02:29 AM 03-09-2019
That's sad that everybody's laying a guilt trip on you.
1. Your children are only so little for so long and dc already eats up so much time out of you, taking from them. BTDT
2. Everybody else thinks it should be so easy just to add another child into the mix but it's not, no matter how closely they're related.
3. This is your business, you get the say until they decide to be part of your business.
4. Enjoy your own children while you can, their youth is fleeting. I can't stress this part enough.
All of a sudden my own kids were grown and onto college. Then I looked back and realized all the sports events I missed, all the awards ceremonies, all the school events I missed, all those summers I was working my a$$ off with other people's kids that I never took a vacation or even a day at the beach with my own kids. Even spending the whole summer giving so much attention to all the kids instead of helping my own kids enjoy their summers home. The really hard part was hearing about my dcfs' vacations. You won't ever get that chance back.

Many years ago my brother and his wife at that time asked my parents to babysit their 2 kids. And I'm sure, knowing my brother they would've expected free care. They declined because they were retired and older and didn't want to commit to being tied down. They liked going places and also had lots of appointments. When my brother expressed his anger about it to me, he said 'wouldn't you grab at the chance to care for your own grandchildren?' I told him exactly what I thought, no. Maybe sometimes(which my parents did offer)but all the time, no. He didn't get it. So he held that against them. He's pig-headed and arrogant anyways and thinks the world is the source of all his problems. So all that to say, your stepson and SO may not like the idea but if you offer a compromise, tell them lovingly all that has been said here, help them find someone for the summer, just maybe it'll all work out. I'd also tell those who are throwing a guilt trip on you that what is so wrong with putting your own children first? Let them all step up for the summer or shut up about it.
Good luck with everything and hope it works out for you!!
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Tags:grandchildren, relatives
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