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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>How To Talk To DCM About How Her Coming At Her Lunch To Feed Baby Is Not Working
sahm2three 02:46 PM 06-28-2011
I have a 6 mo dcg whose mom comes once a day at her lunch to feed her. As a former bfeeding mom myself, I want to support her as much as I can. However, the lunch schedule and feeding schedule that she has the baby on is NOT working. As is, she is on opposite schedule as everyone else. Right now is the tail end of quiet time and I have not had a break, except for the 20 mins that she was here. She eats at an odd time right in the middle of morning nap, and mom comes right in the middle of afternoon nap. Now I have a screaming baby who I am held hostage with in my bedroom trying to keep her quiet so she doesn't wake everyone else up! So how do you go about talking to mom about this?!
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MarinaVanessa 03:07 PM 06-28-2011
Why not ask her to provide BM in bottles and offer to feed the 6 month old for her? Explain that the baby needs to be on a schedule that would allow the infant and the other kids to coexist and that it is simply not working the way things are now. That you have to provide adequate care that is appropriate for the whole group and not the needs of just one child.

I had to do this recently and I am still transitioning a couple of parents that think that the needs of their own child is more important than the needs of the rest of he group. Not with the breastfeeding specifically but with the whole dropping off and picking up during nap time thing. I don't allow either from noon to 2pm because then I have an entire DC of cranky kids.
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CheekyChick 03:17 PM 06-28-2011
If you have an open door policy (which by law many certified homes have to), she is allowed to nurse/visit at whatever time she chooses. That is the mother/daughters only time to connect the entire day.
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PeanutsGalore 03:24 PM 06-28-2011
Originally Posted by sahm2three:
I have a 6 mo dcg whose mom comes once a day at her lunch to feed her. As a former bfeeding mom myself, I want to support her as much as I can. However, the lunch schedule and feeding schedule that she has the baby on is NOT working. As is, she is on opposite schedule as everyone else. Right now is the tail end of quiet time and I have not had a break, except for the 20 mins that she was here. She eats at an odd time right in the middle of morning nap, and mom comes right in the middle of afternoon nap. Now I have a screaming baby who I am held hostage with in my bedroom trying to keep her quiet so she doesn't wake everyone else up! So how do you go about talking to mom about this?!
I'd just be honest and let her know her daughter's schedule is too different from the rest of the group and as such, is causing disruption. She can:

A) help her daugher adjust to the group schedule either by getting there to feed her with the rest of the group and avoiding popping by at naptimes
B) stop coming by and provide more breastmilk in a bottle
C) continue doing exactly what she's doing for an additional daily fee. Make it high enough that she doesn't want to take this option.

Supporting breastfeeding moms does not mean that you have to allow them to disrupt the entire group in order to stop by whenever it's convenient for their schedule to feed their little ones. Breastmilk in a bottle will do just fine until the baby is home and can have mama again.
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Blackcat31 03:25 PM 06-28-2011
I disagree about the open door policy. An open door policy is NOT permission to come visit any time they wish. An open door policy is permission to have access to your child at any time during the day in which the child is scheduled to be there. However, if you take that access, you will take your child with you when you leave as well. I think that is the point of being self-employed. I do NOT allow anyone to come feed or play or visit with their child during the day. IMHO, it just doesn't work in group family care....atleast not for me.

But that is the beauty of being in this business...to each his own.
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MarinaVanessa 03:27 PM 06-28-2011
Originally Posted by CheekyChick:
If you have an open door policy (which by law many certified homes have to), she is allowed to nurse/visit at whatever time she chooses. That is the mother/daughters only time to connect the entire day.
I have an open door policy but my families know that yes they can come to check up on things and if they insisted on coming during the day then they'd better be prepared to taking their child home. The 1yo and older kids don't understand what "visit" means. They see mom or dad and they want to go home and don't understand why they can't. Open door just means they can come by and check on the kiddos, not that they can distrupt the day and stay as long as they want.

I am also a BFing mom and I have also accommodated other BFing moms at DC but none so far have had a problem with supplying BM in a bottle for me or with obliging me with no visits during nap.
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PeanutsGalore 03:28 PM 06-28-2011
Originally Posted by CheekyChick:
If you have an open door policy (which by law many certified homes have to), she is allowed to nurse/visit at whatever time she chooses. That is the mother/daughters only time to connect the entire day.
Cheeky, I am a breatfeeding mom, and when I had to start working, my son stopped feeding so much during daylight hours, but made up for it after work, in the mornings and in the evenings. Kids adjust. As long as they get adequate nutrition during the day and the mother continues feeding at night, they'll be fine.
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youretooloud 03:33 PM 06-28-2011
I wouldn't mind her coming to feed her baby. But, not during nap time. I'd try to adjust our nap, with her feeding schedule, but we'd both have to compromise.

I think she could try to change the schedule a little bit so she's getting there at 12:30, and then while she's feeding the baby, you can get the others down.

But, I wouldn't want my break to be consumed by an unhappy infant.
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Cat Herder 03:51 PM 06-28-2011
Originally Posted by CheekyChick:
If you have an open door policy (which by law many certified homes have to), she is allowed to nurse/visit at whatever time she chooses. That is the mother/daughters only time to connect the entire day.
This is a misconception common to many newer providers.

In truth, We have to allow them access to their child but do NOT have to allow them to remain in our homes.

My parents are welcome to come at any time, without disrupting the other children. They must, however, take their child with them when they leave.

Nobody has a right to access another persons child, ever.

As for breast feeding AT daycare, I don't allow it (other than medically necessary). I was a 3x breastfeeding mom, that is one of the reasons I choose to stay home.

If a Mother chooses daycare for their infant, they need to do the work of transitioning their infant to being fed by someone else.

It is not a right to have it both ways.

IMHO, If a provider chooses to allow it, it should be viewed as a courtesy. Once it has a negative effect on the majority of kids in the group, it is time to end.
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KEG123 04:00 PM 06-28-2011
I'd tell her that she can come between x-y hours. Obviously her timing isn't right. I'd still allow her to come, just be more specific to the times that would work best. If she isn't able to come those hours, too bad.
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sahm2three 04:12 PM 06-28-2011
Originally Posted by KEG123:
I'd tell her that she can come between x-y hours. Obviously her timing isn't right. I'd still allow her to come, just be more specific to the times that would work best. If she isn't able to come those hours, too bad.
She can't change her lunch hour. This is the only time she can come. It is smack dab in the middle of nap, and she feels the need to chit chat and ends up waking up 2 of the sleeping boys EVERY day. I have been lucky in being able to get them back to sleep, but don't think I am going to always be so lucky! Ugh!
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Unregistered 04:22 PM 06-28-2011
Yes, parents have the right to have access to their child whenever they want it, but the parent s don't have the right to disrupt our day. I've been in this position before with a BF mom who had the worst timing ever and it really made our days rough. Not just my day, but her children's day and the other kids days as well because her kids were a wreck after she would leave. I'll never subject my daycare kids or myself to a situation like that again.

From now on, if a dcm wants to nurse, she'll need to either do it at a time that will work out best for everyone or she'll need to take her baby with her to nurse in a place that doesn't muck up everyone else's day.
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nannyde 05:30 PM 06-28-2011
one arrival
one departure
per parent
per child
per day
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cheerfuldom 06:40 PM 06-28-2011
I have two BFing moms here at my daycare and they both send pumped milk in a bottle. I do not allow daily visits, its just way too disruptive especially when baby goes thru separation anxiety and has to break from mom twice a day. Thats not better for anyone.
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Unregistered 06:46 PM 06-28-2011
Make sure she nurses till baby is done....gives a bottle if baby is still hungry and puts baby to sleep....

Make some quiet time rules.

Give them a space away from the nappers.

No Chit chat.

I am betting she chose you because you were willing to support her. 6 months is too early to get the baby on a schedule, and I am sure you are feeding this kiddo other times of the day. Follow your instincts and adjust everything to make it work. This is precious time for them and its important to make it work well for you too.

Most places, open door does mean come and visit and leave. If it is so rare that kids can't handle it, make some other adjustments (for all you naysayers...)

If every mom stayed home, we would be out of work real fast.
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afmama 07:10 PM 06-28-2011
What does the baby eat the whole rest of the day? She only stops in once to nurse? Has the baby started cereal or food yet that you could feed to tide the baby over until mom comes?

I would try to accomadate the mom as much as possible to continue breastfeeding, but be firm and tell her you can not "chit chat" at all. She is welcome to come in quietly, nurse the baby, and then leave.

I disagree that the feedings can simply be "made up for" at night time. The whole point is to bond with her baby during the middle of the day. Did ya all discuss this before she signed up?
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nannyde 07:17 PM 06-28-2011
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
Make sure she nurses till baby is done....gives a bottle if baby is still hungry and puts baby to sleep....

Make some quiet time rules.

Give them a space away from the nappers.

No Chit chat.

I am betting she chose you because you were willing to support her. 6 months is too early to get the baby on a schedule, and I am sure you are feeding this kiddo other times of the day. Follow your instincts and adjust everything to make it work. This is precious time for them and its important to make it work well for you too.

Most places, open door does mean come and visit and leave. If it is so rare that kids can't handle it, make some other adjustments (for all you naysayers...)

If every mom stayed home, we would be out of work real fast.
Totally disagree with everything but the mom may have chosen you because of your willingness to allow it. That's not any different than someone choosing a provider because they offer twelve hour days. Of course you are going to get parents to choose you because you offer something like this..... doesn't mean you can't change it when it's not working.

I must be magic because I manage to get babies on a schedule really quickly. By six months old the baby would be eating every three hours and taking a full morning and afternoon nap. I have had many breast fed babies and they do eat a bit more often but they can definitely be on a schedule at six months.

We should empower providers to just TELL parents when something is not working and tell them plainly that we can't do as they wish. This isn't complicated.

Tell her that you can't host the breast feeding at your house and that you need expressed milk. I only allow one arrival, one departure per day. If they come they must take their kid with them and they can't bring them back till the next day. That's all I have built into my fees. I could not host a parent daily nor could I have ANY adult here during nap time visiting me or any of the kids. It' not personal..... it just wouldn't work for my setting.
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nannyde 07:28 PM 06-28-2011
Originally Posted by afmama:
The whole point is to bond with her baby during the middle of the day.
That's an expensive and risky thing to offer. It can backfire on you pretty quicky. You could end up with a parent coming smack dab in the middle of your only break of the day and disturb the kids to the point that they are up even after the parent has left.

It could completely CONSUME your break and alter the sleep rest schedule you need for that child to be on that is identical to the other babies schedule.

The providers schedule, break and the kids rest period is WAY more important than mid day bonding. It's GROUP care. Think about the leader of the GROUP and the GROUP.
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sahm2three 10:08 PM 06-28-2011
Originally Posted by afmama:
What does the baby eat the whole rest of the day? She only stops in once to nurse? Has the baby started cereal or food yet that you could feed to tide the baby over until mom comes?

I would try to accomadate the mom as much as possible to continue breastfeeding, but be firm and tell her you can not "chit chat" at all. She is welcome to come in quietly, nurse the baby, and then leave.

I disagree that the feedings can simply be "made up for" at night time. The whole point is to bond with her baby during the middle of the day. Did ya all discuss this before she signed up?
I have frozen breast milk that I feed thru out the day. She is on a very strict schedule of feeding too (first time mom). I just want to go about this the right way, because like I said, I have no problem having her come and feed her, I give her my own bedroom with a rocking chair and side table for her so she can eat her lunch while she feeds the baby. I want to support it, because I hope that she can breast feed as long as possible. The problem for me is the time she comes, and the amount of chit chat. And although I say over and over that kids are all sleeping, she still thinks it is so cute that baby is squealing and talking loudly (even though she has heard that it has woken kids up). I don't think she is intentionally being rude, just really has the feeling that her kid is the most important kid in my care, lol! I have already mentioned to her that the time isn't the best time because she isn't getting used to the daycare schedule. But she says that this time is the only time she can take for lunch. Ugh, so how do I bring up the subject? I want to sound supportive, but get my point across.
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mac60 05:16 AM 06-29-2011
I would either write her a nice note or talk to her. Explain to her the times she is coming is not working for you because of xyz. Offer her 2 alternative solutions.....come at this time, be gone by this time......Send in frozen milk, etc. Offer her 2 alternatives that will work for you. It is her choice at that point to accept them, or just forget alltogether about stopping in to bf.
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Kaddidle Care 06:26 AM 06-29-2011
She is going to have to transition the baby to a bottle or at least let you start feeding the baby some food now. Baby is old enough and shouldn't be left hungry ever waiting for her Mama.

You do need to tell her that it's just not working out the way it's going right now. Nothing wrong with the truth.

I am pro nursing - did it with both my boys, in fact, my 2nd child NEVER had a bottle and went straight to a cup. But.. if you're not going to stay home and be there for your baby 24/7, then you must provide the child care giver something to feed the child with.

You guys know it - BF babies' eating schedules change vastly depending on growth and health. Try as you may, you're not going to schedule them.

Edit: Ah - sorry, just read your last post. I see that you do have a supply of milk for the baby. It sounds like the Mama is very self absorbed around her baby, which is fine but since she has no consideration for other people's children, it's time to set her straight.
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nannyde 06:37 AM 06-29-2011
Originally Posted by Kaddidle Care:
You guys know it - BF babies' eating schedules change vastly depending on growth and health. Try as you may, you're not going to schedule them.
I don't know that. I've been successful with every one of them (and I have had way more bf babies than formula babies in the last ten years).

It's no problem getting them on a schedule. Just do it. The nearly five month old I have now has been on a schedule for three months. He eats at nine, noon, and three. Has been since he was a couple of months old. The amounts have changed over time but not the schedule.

There's so much bull hockey out there about babies and setting their own schedule. It's not that hard to do. I do it with all of mine. I only free feed them for the first couple of weeks and then gradually work them into the feed/nap schedule we have here. A teaspoon at a time... ten minutes variation at a time. SLOOOOOOOOOOWLY do the transition.

We make babies so much more complicated than they really are. Way too little understanding that they are WAY more alike than different. It's not necessary to put individualism on them when in fact they are very very much alike. We do that to make US feel special and our feelings of the baby be special. We deny their humaness when we do this. We deny our evolution when we do it.

Now babies with health issues are the exception and babies who are really new. Once they get some weight on them and time they CAN be put on a feed/rest schedule. It's GOOD for them. It begets good eating and the second most important... good deep sleep.

As long as they are healthy and past the very newborn stage they can and do adjust to our feeding schedule. They are healthy, happy, and sleep GREAT.
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cheerfuldom 06:44 AM 06-29-2011
I agree with nanny. I have BF all my girls on a schedule while doing daycare so that they have their needs met and I can get my job done. I also schedule every DC kid at 4 months old. Its not rocket science and I have great success with it.

Again, I re-iterate. There is no nice way to tell a parent something they don't want to hear. The important thing is that you express your requirements and that the group is considered, not just her. Yes you can be nice-ish but you may have to resort to firmness just to get it thru to her.
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Mom_of_two 06:49 AM 06-29-2011
Agree with PP- at 6 months a baby can definitely do well on a schedule. And adjust fairly quickly. The mom may not know it is so disruptive, an might want to help you as well. I hope it goes well if you choose to talk to her!
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Cat Herder 06:54 AM 06-29-2011
I only enroll newborns, most premature at that, and they all get on a schedule pretty quickly.

Virtually all in the same predictable pattern.

Many, many, infants over many, many years.

4 newborns in the last year, alone.

It is not that difficult.
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Kaddidle Care 07:02 AM 06-29-2011
So I stand corrected. I've only raised 2 - you all have raised many.
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PeanutsGalore 11:25 AM 06-29-2011
Originally Posted by sahm2three:
I have frozen breast milk that I feed thru out the day. She is on a very strict schedule of feeding too (first time mom). I just want to go about this the right way, because like I said, I have no problem having her come and feed her, I give her my own bedroom with a rocking chair and side table for her so she can eat her lunch while she feeds the baby. I want to support it, because I hope that she can breast feed as long as possible. The problem for me is the time she comes, and the amount of chit chat. And although I say over and over that kids are all sleeping, she still thinks it is so cute that baby is squealing and talking loudly (even though she has heard that it has woken kids up). I don't think she is intentionally being rude, just really has the feeling that her kid is the most important kid in my care, lol! I have already mentioned to her that the time isn't the best time because she isn't getting used to the daycare schedule. But she says that this time is the only time she can take for lunch. Ugh, so how do I bring up the subject? I want to sound supportive, but get my point across.
SAHM, I get that you want to be supportive. I think most everyone is giving you the advice to ask the mom not to come anymore because of what you are saying. You are saying that 1) you want to support her, 2) she's not coming at the right time and thus disrupting the other children AND you, 3) she thinks it's cute to chat and wake up the other babies, 4) she has told you she can not or will not change her schedule.

This means that you either have to keep on going exactly as is, or tell her what you WILL allow...ie: she can come at a specific time, or she can come at the same time and just stay quiet, or she can't come anymore at all and has to send more expressed milk.

I've gone through this. This exact thing. The BF mom came in, looked at the new baby I had sleeping, continued to play LOUDLY with her daughter (who was already a loud child), and then when the new baby woke from the noise and started crying, she laughed and said, "Oh look, I woke *** up!". Then she giggled again and kept on playing. I didn't even bother to try to fix the issue because there were so many other issues that I ended up terming, but parents, especially first time parents, can have tunnel vision with their own kids. They don't think about the welfare of other children and the importance of them getting their sleep. That's YOUR job. And it's not fair that the other kids are being disrupted for the welfare of one child. You can't have it both ways. You have to tell her it's not working or you're just going to become frustrated and angry, and the other children will suffer--as well as her child.

Originally Posted by nannyde:
...The providers schedule, break and the kids rest period is WAY more important than mid day bonding. It's GROUP care. Think about the leader of the GROUP and the GROUP.
Thank you, Nan. This was the point I was trying to make.

Originally Posted by afmama:

1) I would try to accomadate the mom as much as possible to continue breastfeeding, but be firm and tell her you can not "chit chat" at all.

2) I disagree that the feedings can simply be "made up for" at night time. The whole point is to bond with her baby during the middle of the day. Did ya all discuss this before she signed up?
1) She IS trying to accomodate the mom. It's not working. She's even already told her to reduce the chit chat and that the drop-ins during naps are disruptive. The mother is not changing.

2) I disagree with this but will start another thread so as not to hijack this one. Basically, I think that's something that should be considered before one goes back to work. It's group care, not a nanny who may be able to accomodate the desires of a breastfeeding mom. In this particular situation, the OP is already treating this client like she's the only one, and it's not fair to the other kids in her care.
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laundrymom 11:55 AM 06-29-2011
Hi mom, hey can I talk to you about something? I LOVE the dedication you have for breastfeeding Sara, I know that she really looks forward to her time with you and I know it is a great way for you to bond with her in the day. However, I am having trouble scheduling the other childrens naps. Can you help me figure out a solution? Is there any way to change the time you come? Or could you nurse her off premises? The other kids aren't getting a good nap and by late afternoon all are feeling it. Having you nurse is important to me, and I want to find a way to make it work but I have to ensure the other kids get their needs met too. The way we are doing it now just isn't working for them.

Tell her your problem, ask for her help.
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Sunshine44 12:01 PM 06-29-2011
I would tell her that you have to take the other children into consideration and this just isn't working. She needs to bring breastmilk in a bottle for YOU to feed or she needs to work out a time with you that would be more suitable.
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sahm2three 02:25 PM 06-29-2011
Originally Posted by laundrymom:
Hi mom, hey can I talk to you about something? I LOVE the dedication you have for breastfeeding Sara, I know that she really looks forward to her time with you and I know it is a great way for you to bond with her in the day. However, I am having trouble scheduling the other childrens naps. Can you help me figure out a solution? Is there any way to change the time you come? Or could you nurse her off premises? The other kids aren't getting a good nap and by late afternoon all are feeling it. Having you nurse is important to me, and I want to find a way to make it work but I have to ensure the other kids get their needs met too. The way we are doing it now just isn't working for them.

Tell her your problem, ask for her help.
Love that! Thank you!
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Tags:lunch - parent visits, parent - unrealistic expectations, parental life choices, parental responsibility, uninvited parents
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