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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Violent 3 Year Old
ddnanny13 06:30 AM 10-01-2010
I have DCG who is 3 and has only been in my care about a month and a half. When she started her mom told me that she had moved a lot in the last 2 years and therefore switched DC's frequently. I am starting to wonder if that was the real reason for her frequent switches. In the past 2 weeks she has gotten very violent with me. Most of the time it is during "quiet time." She does not regularly nap and when she doesn't she is required to be quiet while the others do. When I remind her to be quiet as she obviously doesn't like to stay that way she will scream "no" and slap, kick, bite, throw things at me, etc. Several times she has kicked me in the stomach. My DH and I are currently trying to conceive so that of course has my concerns mounting. In addition, the other kids are prematurely awoken from their naps and are thus cranky for the remainder of the day. She has done this several other times during other parts of the day, when she is reminded to share toys or asked to do something she doesn't want to. I mentioned it to her mother and she just says she is overtired. I don't want to terminate because I need the money and mom also works with my DH but I have tried time-outs, behavioral charts, and removing privileges but nothing seems to work. She wont stay in time-out, thinks the charts are "dumb" and just throws a bigger fit if I remove privileges. Any suggestions? Is termination my only option left? I refuse to be beaten on all day...
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QualiTcare 11:08 AM 10-01-2010
you should physically make her stay in time out if that's where you put her. if she gets up and you give up then she just won and she knows who the boss is - and it AIN'T you.

if she hits you, you need to grab her, sit her in time out FIRMLY and look right in her face and tell her that she will NOT hit you. you can't hit her so all you have is your voice. i'm not into scaring kids normally, but when a kid is already out of control - sweet talk isn't going to work to reign them back in.

there was a 3 year old at a center i used to work at who had hit and scratched at all of the teachers. they couldn't stand that kid. i literally had NO IDEA what they were talking about. she never did it to me. i had put her in time out before and she had talked back to me. i took care of her attitude with me right then and there. i don't think anyone had ever talked to her like i did - she was like a deer in headlights. she was always well behaved for me though and she wasn't scared of me - she was good because she wanted to make me happy. she didn't hesitate to slap the other girls though. kids are smart. they know what they can get away with.
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DBug 11:20 AM 10-01-2010
Yep, she may be one of those kids that demands a reason to respect you. Don't let her down . If you don't want to term, then get ready for a battle -- but it'll be very much worth it when she finally realizes that she can depend on YOU to be the adult and be in charge. My middle child was like this (and still is with new adults). Our advice to his teachers is always "Don't try to be his friend. Be the adult.", and it works like a charm .
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ddnanny13 07:41 AM 10-02-2010
I have tried physically making her stay in time out. Unfortunately due to state and county regs here, I can't "hold her down" so my only option is to try and put her in a place she can't get out of. Which I don't really have. I have been extremely firm with her and taken her hands and said she "does not hit me" but she screams "NO" and does it again. I repeat myself and so on....I'm definitely not her friend. She says I'm "mean" because I always put her on time out. Not sure what else to do. How long should I give these techniques before I start to see a little improvement? It's already been 6 weeks...
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Michael 12:08 PM 10-02-2010
Do you also have a reward system when she does something right? She should not only see you as punisher but as a rewarder. My son was the same way at times. I realized I was always punishing. He needed and loved being rewarded with something he liked. Also, a short time out (5 minutes) was just as hard on him as a long one. Shorter time outs made the point and made more time for working toward reward time.
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Unregistered 03:39 PM 10-02-2010
I'm trying a behavioral chart with her. She gets a sticker if she goes a whole day with out a time out and when she gets 5 stickers she gets a prize. We have been doing it for 3 weeks and she has only gotten 1 sticker. This last week when I reminded her about it she said "who cares, that's dumb." Any other reward ideas? Thanks for everyone's advice!
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GretasLittleFriends 09:02 PM 10-02-2010
I'd try QualiTcare's suggestion first...

Originally Posted by ddnanny13:
I have tried physically making her stay in time out. Unfortunately due to state and county regs here, I can't "hold her down" so my only option is to try and put her in a place she can't get out of. Which I don't really have.
Can you sit on the couch or comfy chair and hold her (tightly) in your lap? My son used to get crazy tired and just too stubborn to give in. Eventually he'd get bad enough and timeouts / spankings wouldn't work. I'd just hold him in my lap. Kind of like a burping a baby. He'd face me, and I'd wrap my arms around him and hold his head to my shoulder. He would fight it, but eventually give in, and sometimes he would even fall asleep. You could try this with her to calm her down, its like a time-out hug, but I wouldn't consider it "holding her down".
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QualiTcare 10:28 PM 10-02-2010
i never had kids that would just leave time out and get away with it. i guess i had a really scary mean voice bc they'd try, but always sit back down. they might beat the chair around, kick, and scream - but they wouldn't get up and just get away with it. i always made sure to sit really close by them with the other kids and do something really fun - like play dough for a 2 year old is really fun. i say that cus i rem. one time in particular i had an out of control kid in time out and while i was doing play dought right near her, i told her, "you know, if you decide to stop acting like that, you could come and play with us." she was stubborn so she sat there for another couple of minutes, but stopped kicking and screaming bc she was watching us. i ignored her for a minute or so and then said, "if you're ready to come join us then you can come over."

she came over and started playing and after a couple of minutes i made sure to tell her how nice she was playing and how much i liked the way she was acting, blah blah.

i know it sounds easy, but it wasn't easy and i know it's not easy for you either - but you can do it. putting her in a corner and not letting her out isn't holding her down. there was a spot i used that had a bookshelf along one wall and a couch and another shelf to create like a 3 sided wall. i'd put kids that threw tantrums in that little space and stand or sit in the empty space - so i was like the fourth wall. they could flop around all they wanted, but they couldn't go anywhere. normally i'd just sit them in a chair in the middle of the floor so they couldn't touch anything. if they'd get up, id physically sit them back down - over and over for as long as it took. have you ever watched supernanny? it's basically what she does with time outs. you can talk to them the first time, but if they get up, you just keep putting them back and don't talk to them or bargain with them. they WILL give up. after they give up and sit quietly for a couple of minutes - talk to them about why they were in time out and then let them do something they like to do.
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countrymom 12:34 PM 10-04-2010
my goodness, sounds like she knows how to play you. I agree with the post above, you need to show her that you run the house hold and not her. If she gets out of time out, you place her back, sure it may take several times but it will work. It sounds like she can do whatever she wants at home and there is no punishment going on at home. If she hits you put her in the corner. I just point and the kids know that they have to go in the corner, I don't put up with anything. Today I had a kid throw his plate on the floor at lunch, he got to sit in his highchair till nap time. (apparently he does this all the time at home or opens up packages of ceral and throws it all over the floor--nice!)
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Tags:disipline, rewarding, time out, violent behaviour
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