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Old 04-30-2019, 07:07 AM
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Question Need Suggestions

I have a two year old daycare child who is having trouble lately. He has no routine where his home life is concerned and has been very clingy to Mom lately (he doesn't spend much time with her because of her schedule). The last two weeks he comes in and immediately launches into a tantrum at the thought of her leaving. I have to physically take him for her to leave. She doesn't drag it out, she is good about just going when I take him. Then we spend the next three or four hours with him doing nothing. He will just sit in the floor and stare. If I tell him to get out toys and play he will get up and move to another spot, sit down and do nothing. No amount of encouraging him to play works. He never knows from day to day who is picking him up so he asks me no less than 100 times a day who is coming to get him. Over and over and over again. Telling him yes, mommy will come after work doesn't work. He just keeps asking...over and over and OVER! He has also started not eating. He just stares at his plate and says "I don't like it!" even when it's food that he has eaten many times. This past weekend Mom took him on a trip with her. Yesterday was absolute hell here. He launched into a horrible tantrum when she tried to leave. It got so bad that he ended up kicking me in the stomach. He sat and did nothing all morning. He asked who was coming over and over. He cried off and on all morning and finally begged to take a nap at 10:30. And I let him! This morning it's the same thing. Tantrum, crying, asking who is coming, crying, sitting doing nothing, crying, begging for a nap. I am at a loss with him. If I try to get down and play with him he just cries because it's not what he wants. My nerves are frayed to say the least. I have never had a child who cried over a parent leaving or sat and cried all day and have never had a 2 year old (or any child for that matter) who just sat and refused to play. Any ideas on how to help him get through this phase? And Lord, I really hope it's just a phase LOL!
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:14 AM
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Maybe he needs a quick morning nap? What is his sleep routine? I had one kiddo who brought a laminated photo of mom. For some, that might make it worse though.

Have you talked to Mom? Is there any way for her to try a more structured routine at home?
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:20 AM
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Welcome to the forum!

How long have you had him in care? Is he full time or part time? What is mom like as far as discipline or routine?
Is she consistent with him as far as those things as far as you can tell? Is there a father in his life? Other family members?

Sorry for all the questions but it's hard to know if it's just a phase or if it's just his chaotic life know what I mean?

It's also wise to recognize that he may just not be cut out for daycare. Some kids just don't do well in care (any care) no matter what.

As a provider it's a wonderful thing that we have the ability at times to make a positive influence in a child's life but its also good to remember that we can't save everyone and sometimes the best thing for everyone (you, the daycare child, the other daycare kids etc) to just terminate care.

It's hard to know though which option is the right one so good for you for trying to figure it out....but remember it's not failure if you can't figure it out.
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:22 AM
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Originally Posted by LittleExplorers View Post
Maybe he needs a quick morning nap? What is his sleep routine? I had one kiddo who brought a laminated photo of mom. For some, that might make it worse though.

Have you talked to Mom? Is there any way for her to try a more structured routine at home?
Mom is very over scheduled. She has three jobs and is involved in several things in the evenings and weekends that keep her busy. She also goes out of town frequently for work. I don't see that changing.

When he started with me a year ago he had NO routine at all. He had never napped, no regular meal times and from what I could tell pretty much did what he wanted, when he wanted. I have him in a routine here. He is a very light sleeper who has nightmares and from what I can tell doesn't sleep much at night. If he naps here at any time other than nap time we are done for the day. If I need to run out the post office or something and he sleeps for even five minutes in the car he will not go down for more nap later. I would really prefer to keep him on his regular nap schedule of napping from 11:30- 2:30 or 12:00 to 3:00. I feel like he needs that long nap midday. I think begging for a nap this week is just another way of having a tantrum.
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:23 AM
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Sounds like anxiety to me. I had this issue with a 3 year old and what worked for me was a picture schedule. Basically make a visual schedule of your day, you can print the pictures from online. Kids have no concept of time and coming from a chaotic home with no structure means this child feels afraid.
When he comes to your home you can take a few minutes to go over the schedule and then post it where he can see it. This way he knows that mommy comes after X Y Z.

As for asking you a hundred times that is part of the anxiety. Maybe get some books about feeling sad or missing their parent and name the feelings. Then say “Timmy I already answered your question, I am not answering it anymore. What does your schedule say, what’s coming next” to get him refocused.
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:34 AM
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Originally Posted by gonecrazy View Post
Mom is very over scheduled. She has three jobs and is involved in several things in the evenings and weekends that keep her busy. She also goes out of town frequently for work. I don't see that changing.
A parent that doesn't put the needs of their child above all else is a selfish parent. It's a shame she simply expects you to deal with the fallout of her choices

IME, #1 indicator of behavior issues that are impossible or most difficult to manage are those of children with the least amount of face time with their parent(s)


His anxiety is more than likely a result of failure to form a secure attachment to his parent. Children that have established a secure attachment to their parent are willing and able to be apart from them during the day.

Last edited by Blackcat31; 04-30-2019 at 07:37 AM.
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
Welcome to the forum!

How long have you had him in care? Is he full time or part time? What is mom like as far as discipline or routine?
Is she consistent with him as far as those things as far as you can tell? Is there a father in his life? Other family members?

Sorry for all the questions but it's hard to know if it's just a phase or if it's just his chaotic life know what I mean?

It's also wise to recognize that he may just not be cut out for daycare. Some kids just don't do well in care (any care) no matter what.

As a provider it's a wonderful thing that we have the ability at times to make a positive influence in a child's life but its also good to remember that we can't save everyone and sometimes the best thing for everyone (you, the daycare child, the other daycare kids etc) to just terminate care.

It's hard to know though which option is the right one so good for you for trying to figure it out....but remember it's not failure if you can't figure it out.
He has been with me for a year now. He started out as being here just as needed if one of his other two sitters needed a day off, then started coming three days a week about 2 months later and is now full time. He is here Mon-Fri, 9 1/2 hours a day. He has always been in private care and is my only daycare child most of the time. I have others that come occasionally but they are school aged.

His parents are married so dad is in his life. He is busy too but definitely there every day. And he has grandparents, aunts and uncles, great grandparents, etc that he sees often, some on an almost daily basis. Lots of family support there!

Home discipline is iffy. Dad tries but Mom is very soft-hearted. She tends to speak to him very softly when he does something wrong and tries to talk him into doing right rather than letting him know she means business. He is pretty stubborn so it just doesn't work with him LOL.

I think it's a phase and I think spending those four days away with her just made him want to spend more time with her. He loved it and wants more. But it's something I have not had to deal with before. None of my kiddos in the past have ever cried when the parents leave or cried throughout the day. I feel sorry for him but it's disrupting to my day and I wish I could figure out how to make it better.
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:40 AM
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Apart from what others have stated I'd want to rule out echolalia and echopraxia.
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariana View Post
Sounds like anxiety to me. I had this issue with a 3 year old and what worked for me was a picture schedule. Basically make a visual schedule of your day, you can print the pictures from online. Kids have no concept of time and coming from a chaotic home with no structure means this child feels afraid.
When he comes to your home you can take a few minutes to go over the schedule and then post it where he can see it. This way he knows that mommy comes after X Y Z.

As for asking you a hundred times that is part of the anxiety. Maybe get some books about feeling sad or missing their parent and name the feelings. Then say “Timmy I already answered your question, I am not answering it anymore. What does your schedule say, what’s coming next” to get him refocused.
I have tried things like this but he just stands and talks over me. He has a hard time focusing on anything for more than 2 seconds. He talks almost constantly. If two people are having a conversation he stands and carries on a very loud conversation with himself. If I try to explain anything to him or give him directions he just talks over me. He also likes to break/tear things up. If I posted a schedule he would just rip it down and tear it up. Needless to say my days are hectic LOL!
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
A parent that doesn't put the needs of their child above all else is a selfish parent. It's a shame she simply expects you to deal with the fallout of her choices

IME, #1 indicator of behavior issues that are impossible or most difficult to manage are those of children with the least amount of face time with their parent(s)


His anxiety is more than likely a result of failure to form a secure attachment to his parent. Children that have established a secure attachment to their parent are willing and able to be apart from them during the day.
Unfortunately in these times it seems that parents have to work more and more hours to make ends meet, especially in my area. This is not unusual for the daycare parents I have had but this is the first time it's been a problem for a child. Somehow I will find a way to deal with it I guess LOL!
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:51 AM
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Apart from what others have stated I'd want to rule out echolalia and echopraxia.
He just had a checkup a couple of weeks ago and nothing was mentioned about any issues!
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Old 04-30-2019, 07:57 AM
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Maybe he would benefit from a more traditional daycare.It sounds like he is alone at your house.So no other children to play with.At 2+ years old he may be looking for some interaction with peers.Not just another adult that's not his mom.
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Old 04-30-2019, 08:01 AM
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He just had a checkup a couple of weeks ago and nothing was mentioned about any issues!
I'd recommend having the parents and you both complete these on a regular basis. If nothing else but to get you all on the same page as far as this child's development and goals. Just start at his current age. http://www.eckan.org/wp-content/uplo...17/10/ASQ3.pdf

Save this file to your computer as they get pulled down often. For some being able to sell them is more important than helping more kids.
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Old 04-30-2019, 08:04 AM
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Originally Posted by rosieteddy View Post
Maybe he would benefit from a more traditional daycare.It sounds like he is alone at your house.So no other children to play with.At 2+ years old he may be looking for some interaction with peers.Not just another adult that's not his mom.
He is around other children often in the evenings so he is getting regular interaction with other kids both his age and older.
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Old 04-30-2019, 08:06 AM
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I have tried things like this but he just stands and talks over me. He has a hard time focusing on anything for more than 2 seconds. He talks almost constantly. If two people are having a conversation he stands and carries on a very loud conversation with himself. If I try to explain anything to him or give him directions he just talks over me. He also likes to break/tear things up. If I posted a schedule he would just rip it down and tear it up. Needless to say my days are hectic LOL!
So you have tried a visual schedule and he tore it up?
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Old 04-30-2019, 08:13 AM
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So you have tried a visual schedule and he tore it up?
I have tried telling him "mommy will come after nap time" "first we do this, then we do that, etc" and he just talks over me. I have not tried an actual paper schedule because he would tear it up. He tears crafts off my front door, pictures off my fridge, etc. He wouldn't stand and listen as I pointed and tried to explain it to him.
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Old 04-30-2019, 03:24 PM
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Originally Posted by gonecrazy View Post
I have a two year old daycare child who is having trouble lately. He has no routine where his home life is concerned and has been very clingy to Mom lately (he doesn't spend much time with her because of her schedule). The last two weeks he comes in and immediately launches into a tantrum at the thought of her leaving. I have to physically take him for her to leave. She doesn't drag it out, she is good about just going when I take him.

This one doesn't worry me toooo much by itself. Some kids just are good at pitching fits at separation.

Then we spend the next three or four hours with him doing nothing. He will just sit in the floor and stare. If I tell him to get out toys and play he will get up and move to another spot, sit down and do nothing. No amount of encouraging him to play works.

This worries me. It seems so unnatural to not play. Is there anything he likes to play with? Do you have a variety of interest centers? How about water table? Blocks? Cars? Trains? Balls? Does he like bubbles?

He never knows from day to day who is picking him up so he asks me no less than 100 times a day who is coming to get him. Over and over and over again. Telling him yes, mommy will come after work doesn't work. He just keeps asking...over and over and OVER!

I would quit answering after a few times of this. It's getting nowhere for either of you. Instead, maybe try giving a different kind of comfort. Does he like stories read to him? Songs?

He has also started not eating. He just stares at his plate and says "I don't like it!" even when it's food that he has eaten many times.

This almost sounds like depression or sign of feeling stress.

This past weekend Mom took him on a trip with her. Yesterday was absolute hell here.

How was he on the trip with mom?
Was there any behavior?


He launched into a horrible tantrum when she tried to leave. It got so bad that he ended up kicking me in the stomach. He sat and did nothing all morning. He asked who was coming over and over. He cried off and on all morning and finally begged to take a nap at 10:30. And I let him! This morning it's the same thing. Tantrum, crying, asking who is coming, crying, sitting doing nothing, crying, begging for a nap. I am at a loss with him. If I try to get down and play with him he just cries because it's not what he wants. My nerves are frayed to say the least. I have never had a child who cried over a parent leaving or sat and cried all day and have never had a 2 year old (or any child for that matter) who just sat and refused to play. Any ideas on how to help him get through this phase? And Lord, I really hope it's just a phase LOL!

This was a lot to read through, but I'm wondering if he's really showing signs of stress. And the softie/no routine/not seeing mom much thing can really contribute to the stress. Not having consistency can really mess kids up. Who is/are his authority figures? No routine sounds like he would be feeling insecure. He should have the sense of security of knowing that someone with more brain power than him is in charge and setting the boundaries. He doesn't have that.

It sounds like it's horrible for you. Maybe the best thing you could do is tell them that you feel like the lack of consistency is seriously affecting the child's behavior when with you.
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Old 04-30-2019, 06:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
A parent that doesn't put the needs of their child above all else is a selfish parent. It's a shame she simply expects you to deal with the fallout of her choices

IME, #1 indicator of behavior issues that are impossible or most difficult to manage are those of children with the least amount of face time with their parent(s)


His anxiety is more than likely a result of failure to form a secure attachment to his parent. Children that have established a secure attachment to their parent are willing and able to be apart from them during the day.
Yep! This is so true. I can totally tell the children that are bonded and given adequate attention vs. the child who is not put first before their parents needs. The behavior of the bonded child in my opinion is so much better. I feel bad for the little guy op is looking after😕
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Old 05-01-2019, 08:44 AM
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Yep! This is so true. I can totally tell the children that are bonded and given adequate attention vs. the child who is not put first before their parents needs. The behavior of the bonded child in my opinion is so much better. I feel bad for the little guy op is looking after😕
...and so many providers feel bad about this that they try hard to make it up to the child or be the substitute "stable" person in their life but that usually backfires as the provider has to continue upping her/his game so that the child is continually busy or distracted from the fact that they are missing their parent. It works for a bit but not in the long term. The child grows more difficult to manage as they novelty wears off and the provider becomes continually more frustrated as they struggle to meet the needs of the child. It's definitely a hard situation to be in for everyone.
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