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  #1  
Old 12-30-2019, 11:45 PM
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Default Kids Forget Us To-Do You Care?

So I've worked alot on childcare my whole life. Daycares, preschools, mynown income daycare for a little while.

I was reading another board, a mom with a toddler asking should she stay at work part time, or start working full time. Many of the moms were like, toddlers dont remember anything so work now, and if anything work part time once they're older, when they can actually appreciate it. (And for some of the moms, because they enjoy older childhood years more than younger.)

One mom also mentioned her kid doesnt remember the name of a single teacher when he went to the same daycare and had the same teachers three years straight. And that comment got a lot of likes.
It made me feel bad I guess, because I know shes right. Sometimes I think about all the love and care I've given babies and little ones and knowing they forget us (I remember my daycare providers from when I was four though actually....I'm just realizing this ....I remember most of their names, certainly I remember them as individuals- their personalities).

How do you deal with having given many years of your life to people of an age where they will forget you - and maybe, parents who will forget you too or who dont think you're that important because their kid will forget you?

The big thing they all kept saying was that toddlers forget. How I feel though is, when what you experience still shapes you so fundamentally, who cares that you FORGOT?
It all still happened and the impact is lifelong.

And how can care providers love you like your parents do? They dont .....I know as a mom I fail alot, I also know I impart my love and confidence to my girls at this crucial age, all day . It isnt the same from caregivers even good ones. Like I have LOVED kids in my life , but, not how their parents love them.

Maybe I just feel strongly because I was in daycare and I in fact never felt close to my mom. I Ioved her It is in adulthood I have the best relationship with my mom. But her lack of presence when I was small- both emotional and physical presence - in my life was deeply felt when I was little. Very young I felt sadness and loneliness around that. The lack of her and that I was alone.

But these commenters were saying it may be nice for a mom to have memories of her kids during toddlerhood- but it makes no difference to the child because they wont remember. So if they're at a good daycare, it doesnt matter either way.
I know this is a novel but if you'd care to comment on how you feel about any of this I'd love it.
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Old 12-31-2019, 05:33 AM
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You know its funny how it all works.When I was little around 21/2 my mom took my infant sister back to Ireland to visit her family.She left my 2 older siblings and me with my Dad for 6 weeks...When she returned I cried not knowing who she was.I have been told I said"who is that lady with Daddy".It only took 6 weeks to forget my mom.Providing childcare for 25+ years I have cared for around 65 children not counting the infant room at a daycare for 1 year.Most children stayed with me for close to 4 years.Siblings were often added and that kept us in touch for even longer.I always sent a photo book when care ended along with a hand crochet blanket they saw me make each day.If the parents want them to remember they will bring them by. I think we have a much deeoer conection to most of the children we care and cared for.We leave a lasting impression consciously or unconsciously.The way we treat them,our mannerisms how we interact with others .All these things matter.As providers we spend more time in contact with the children than even their parents.Our time is spent solely in the care and interacting with the children.Believe me you will make a greater impact than you know.A certain song you sing ,a stoty you tell even the way you talk will be familiar.Our goal I think is to do our best to make a childs day good,safe and happy.Do these things and you will make a difference .
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Old 12-31-2019, 06:01 AM
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How do you deal with having given many years of your life to people of an age where they will forget you - and maybe, parents who will forget you too or who dont think you're that important because their kid will forget you?

This part of your post stuck out to me.

I manage the above easily because my expectations are clearly different. I don't expect the kids in my care to remember me, my name etc... but I do expect them to use the foundation (person) I helped build and shape into a good adult.

I expect manners to be remembered, independence skills and confidence that was taught to remain with them their entire lives.

They may not remember ME personally but they do remember the things they learned, felt and experienced; all
part of the adult they are.

I kind of feel like expecting them to remember you by name is more of a personal need of yours (general you) verses of importance for them.

Kids under 5 hardly know themselves and who they are let alone the world they live in so remembering their daycare provider personally isn't exactly priority in the grand scheme of things.

I think the impact you as a provider makes in the lives of children is remembered though.

It reminds me of that saying:

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Old 12-31-2019, 06:22 AM
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My Grandma passed away when I was 2.5yo. I don't remember her face but I still remember her love. I'm 53yo now.
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Old 12-31-2019, 06:45 AM
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My response to those mom's would be.

The majority of a child's brain develops in the first five years forming who they are. Most children will not remember what happens in those years unless it is really tramatic or just unforgettable moment for them. (I don't mean a trip to Disney world out of mom guilt)
So even if they don't remember you, you can still be there during there most critical part of their development or you can be an absentee parent and allow me, your child care provider to define your child's development. Either way works for me.
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Old 12-31-2019, 09:28 AM
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Not all kids forget! I was a everything teacher in a center when my aunts kids were little. I attended my cousins graduation and was amazed that 4 or 5 kids ran up to me saying your jenny! you were the cow teacher (class mascot). It was a touching moment. I have other children who see my picture and say "dat enny!" even years later. Some forget yes, but some remember!
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Old 12-31-2019, 11:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
A. I was reading another board, a mom with a toddler asking should she stay at work part time, or start working full time. Many of the moms were like, toddlers dont remember anything so work now, and if anything work part time once they're older, when they can actually appreciate it. (And for some of the moms, because they enjoy older childhood years more than younger.)

B. One mom also mentioned her kid doesnt remember the name of a single teacher when he went to the same daycare and had the same teachers three years straight. And that comment got a lot of likes.
A. My own mother fed me that line and I took it and put my firstborn in daycare. He died in daycare 6 months later and I missed most everything because I really only had him for bedtime during the week and weekends. The majority of his waking time was spent with a daycare provider. That is really hard to live with, I don't recommend it if there are other options.

B. That has not been my experience. My previous clients call, email, visit and send me cards many years after leaving. I now have children of former daycare children.
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Old 12-31-2019, 12:49 PM
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It is clear to me that these moms and most moms know very little about child development. Is has been proven scientifically that the things you learn and the care you have before 5 years old is cemented in the brain and affects you for the rest of your life. So even though a child may forget my name I did have a huge hand in forming their personalities.
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Old 12-31-2019, 02:35 PM
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A prior DCB who is now 13 years called recently asking if we would take his baby sister when she is born. His father remarried and is having a girl. He said he wants her with us because he remembers having a lot of fun and learned a lot with us and he wants same for his sister. He found our # on google.
We've had families drop in from time to time with their child to thank us for the care we provided to their little one. And occasionally, I would email a family from long ago inquiring about their child. They are always happy to hear from us, send pictures etc.
Some kids and families do remember but even if they don't, like it was already said here, the many foundational things they learn while in our care stays with them and that is very satisfying.
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Old 12-31-2019, 06:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
How do you deal with having given many years of your life to people of an age where they will forget you - and maybe, parents who will forget you too or who dont think you're that important because their kid will forget you?
Some kids remember me; some don't. Last year, I received a card from a dcb who was graduating from high school, thanking me for the care I had given him during the years he was in my care and describing the impact I had had on his life. I ran into his mother this past October. She told me the card was something he sent on his own and that it had surprised her as much as it did me. I loved that little boy with all of my heart but didn't do anything more or less than I would do for any of the kids in my care.

On the other hand, I've run into kids who were in my care for years and within only a month or two of leaving my care, they've had no idea who I am. I once ran into one kid at a local store who was still in my care (and had been for 4 years!) and he didn't even recognize me! lol I didn't take it personally. He just wasn't used to seeing me any where but at my house. Once he realized who I was, we had a good laugh over it.

Being forgotten by the kids and families I care for used to bother me more when I first started out as a provider than it does now. Over the years, I've accepted that the kids will grow up and most of them and their families will move on. Some will remember me; some won't and that's ok. I do this job primarily to help support my family and because I enjoy it. Being remembered for any positive impact I may have had on a child and his/her family is icing on the cake.
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Old 01-01-2020, 05:51 AM
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I ran into my dcb at Target the other night with his family. He whispered to his mom, "Is that Michelle?"

Honestly, my dh has a harder time with this than I do. I nannied for twins the first year and a half of their life. I was with them every waking hour (moms were surgeons). I, for all intents and purposes, was their parent. They moved to another city at 18 months, and got a new nanny. It broke my heart. I still get emotional seeing their pictures and updates the moms send. But at 3 years old now, they don't remember me, except what they are told and the infrequent visits I get with them. I expected it - knew they wouldn't remember. And it hurts. But I also know they were loved deeply and completely for 18 months, and it shaped the confident, loving children they are now. I can love them without their loving me back.

With my daycare kids now, I know this is the case. I have fed into their lives. I have loved and taught them. I've rocked and cuddled and sang with them. And then they move on. And that's ok! I have great memories of these great kids and lots and lots of love that has filled my home and heart. And that is enough for me!!

(Wow, that got sappy fast! Must be the New Year and the late night!)
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Old 01-02-2020, 12:03 AM
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How do you deal with having given many years of your life to people of an age where they will forget you - and maybe, parents who will forget you too or who dont think you're that important because their kid will forget you?

How do I deal?? By paying my bills

I could care less if the kids remember me. I only care for kids under 24 months. No one will remember me and that's fine. I know that I'm giving them the best care and love that I can and that's all that matters.... and that I can pay my bills... that's important too.
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Old 01-03-2020, 10:28 AM
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So much depth and insight to so many of these responses, I'm so glad I asked here. Thank you all. I love this forum! I'm not even a childcare provider at the moment but I still read here frequently. Reading so many posters advice here helped me learn boundary setting and just be able to see the big picture in life in general. That comes from being in this line of work. I will never understand people not getting how important the early years are - the importance of being there if at all possible for your kids- or as much as possible anyway. And the importance of WHO the caregiver is. Safety is paramount yes but VIBE, energy is everything to little kids. They are so receptive. Loving energy vs irritable or an apathetic blah energy is everything. The kids soak up every drop, so impressionable.

As far as forgetting us goes, after reading through the responses I immediately remembered another girl I cared for who came rushing up to me in in her twenties, who remembered me! She said she loved me so much. She was four and under when I cared for her!
You all are so right, they don't all forget, for some we have truly enriched their lives and are a sweet safe memory of goodness to go back to! And even more so, even if they dont remember mentally, they remember emotionally/physically (possibly even more crucial in my opinion because it informs the subconscious).
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Old 01-03-2020, 03:41 PM
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I can tell you right now that my son (who was 3.5 when we moved to our next child care provider) won't forget her.

My other son doesn't remember his teachers from when he was 2 and under, and that makes me sad.
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Old 01-05-2020, 07:29 PM
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It has been 42 years since I went to Nursery School in Mrs. Munson's basement. I remember a lot from then. I could draw you the layout of her basement and tell you about the bathroom under the stairs that had a light that you had to pull a cord to turn on (a wonder to me at 4 years old!). I can remember eating graham cracker snacks at her little table by the back wall, and remember Missy and Christen playing at the dollhouse with me. I remember her putting on a good morning record when we arrived, another when it was time to pick up, and another song when it was time to go home. Her daughters would come downstairs when they got home from school. My little brother went to a different preschool. His teacher was Mrs. Warwick. I remember her, as well.

I don't think that kids forget people who made an impact on them.
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Old 01-13-2020, 02:02 PM
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I love this. Thank you.
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