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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Feeling Upset, DH Is A Jerk~! LONG VENT!
Unregistered 08:26 AM 10-31-2012
Registered but logged out for privacy...

We lost a daycare family a few weeks ago due to an incident that occurred during daycare hours (no one was injured or anything like that, but parents had legitimate concerns about another child in care and even when I addressed the situation they still decided to withdraw). They were a longtime family that paid monthly when DCD got paid, so when they withdrew I actually owed them back 8 days of pay, minus my two week fee. This hurt financially because I lost 3 kids (2 full-time and one Before/After school that I had since he was in pre-k).

So, fast forward to last week and I'm doing our November budget and I realize we are going to be extremely tight with the main bills, and actually short when we add in groceries/gas/toiletries, etc. I tell DH and he has been in a crappy mood since then- telling me the daycare isn't profitable enough, I need to "ditch [my] assistant", I need to "find a real job back in nursing"... just things to really hurt me, rather than looking at the situation and offering real suggestions.

We recently moved (last April) from our small house to a larger one and we rent out our first house. Now he's saying it was MY idea to move and take on more expense when it WASN'T. The utilities and everything are more in this county (exorbitantly so!) and this house has really has been a money pit. However, neither of us knew the area very well; we just saw a great house at a wonderful price and the area had rave reviews from my sister-in-law who lives around the corner. NEVER did she mention the marked increase in monthly expenditures.

Another reason we loved this this place also because he "had to have [his] own office away from the kids" and all the other bells and whistles this place has. Yet, he keeps saying this move was all my idea. How do you force a 48 year old man to move??! Heck, his name is the primary on the deed AND he's the one that booked the movers. But, I digress...

This month our tenants move out and I suggested we move back to the old place to downsize until we fill the spots and/or build back up our savings, and rent out this place. We are more likely to get a tenant in here because it is an upcoming area and doesn't require as many repairs as the older place. If we don't move back, we'll have to shoulder two mortgages until we get another renter. Honestly, it will burn either way if we don't get a renter, but this place is just more likely to garner interest. Coupled with the lower utilities and mortgage at the old place, it just seems to be the logical move.

He says he's on board, concurs it's a great idea and we need to do it, but when I asked him about it in regards to getting a moving company/etc before Christmas he was very dismissive and said, "well see how it goes, I don't really want to move before the holidays." Well, I went ahead and told the realtor to list this place as a rental because it's just what we have to do. We don't have to go through with a rental until a lease is signed but I had to be proactive, ya know? No, the old place isn't as "fancy" or large as this new home. Our new home is a new build 2600 sq house with 5 bedrooms; gorgeous, well outfitted bathrooms and magnificent finished basement with theater room (where we do daycare). The old place is a 1700 sq foot 1970's raised ranch with open floor plan but only 3 small bedrooms and just two small bathrooms. The basement is finished but it's only one room, and while it's suitable for his office, it is drafty down there. I know it's hard to go back and it feels like you're moving in reverse, but sometimes it's just what you have to do.


Today, I was talking to my mother regarding the financial concerns and she paid our electric bill on her credit card that's due on the 5th ($492!!!!). I told DH about her kind gesture and he got UP IN ARMS about it! He is sooo upset that she helped us out, but I didn't ask; she offered and then wouldn't take "no" for an answer. He decided to berate me from one side to the other about "always looking for a handout" (NEVER), and not keeping a "real job" more than a year at a time (also not true, but he is on track that I do leave jobs due to injury, pregnancy, my child with special needs, and the last one...why? Oh, yes, because he almost died and when my FMLA ran out yet he was still very sick and needed around the clock care...) And only choosing to do daycare because I'm lazy and I should've anticipated families leaving and started advertising instead of waiting until the last minute.

He's making it all my fault and I am in ruins over here. I know he's frustrated. I know he feels embarrassed and helpless. But you know what? So do I!!! Can't we be on the same team and deal with this crisis together??? Normally, he's very respectful and in favor of my homeschooling and daycare but when finances get wonky, boy does he get ugly!

Right now I am in the office doing CACFP paperwork while my assistant (and early childhood education student volunteer) do circle time and I am taking way more time than I need to. I am thankful we had our "discussion" off grounds so no one heard but now I fear if I go upstairs with the red, swollen eyes and sullen attitude my employee and volunteer will know something is wrong. So, I'm off-loading here and then I'm moving on with my day.

Thank you for listening.
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Heidi 09:19 AM 10-31-2012
At the moment, I don't have any advice. My DH can be similar in attitude at times, though, so you have my empathy!

If he's like mine, he'll go think about for a while and then be reasonable...
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JenNJ 09:27 AM 10-31-2012
Sounds like a few counseling sessions are in order.
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Soccermom 09:34 AM 10-31-2012
**HUGS**
Money is the number one thing most couples fight about.
Don't let it ruin your day. As with all things, this too shall pass and things always have a way of working themselves out.
I think your mother is very sweet for paying your electric bill and like you said he is likely embarassed about the whole thing but if someone is willing to help you out during rough times, then I think it is important to accept the gift graciously.
Just a tought - would it be possible to use your old place as a big daycare and be able to offer more spots and more income? It is my experience that actual daycare centers, as opposed to family day homes, tend to have more of a waiting list as people are more inclined to call them.
At least that is how things are around here anyway.
I hope everything works out for you and that you are able to enjoy the rest of your Halloween day **Hugs again**
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daycare 09:36 AM 10-31-2012
honestly, if I were you, I would stick it out at the house where you are at. Moving back and forth is very hard on the kids....

Will you have to close your daycare if you move back to the other place?

Will the cost of moving be so much that you could have just put it towards your bills?

If I were you, I would be doing everything I can to rent out the other house. Perhaps advertise a special move in promo to get someone in.

I know that it is a very hard time to have to go through this before the holiday's, so I would not make any huge decisions to do something as drastic as moving.

BTW were all 3 kids from the same family??
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Oneluckymom 09:45 AM 10-31-2012
At least yours talks to you. MDH can be at times similar. Though its rare. When he is really stressed or upset about something he will completely shut down and not talk at all. This really gets under my skin, because Im like at least yell at me or something...I say better out than in.

Good luck !! I hope things start looking up for you both!
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youretooloud 09:48 AM 10-31-2012
I would sit down with him, and on paper, budget with both homes in mind. Then, see which way would be best.

I also, have to agree with him, that maybe you don't need an assistant. I don't know if that's true or not, but you might want to consider what the assistant is costing you, and see if that's a good place to make cuts.

Money is SO stressful. I hate having even one month with financial struggles, much less major struggles. You at least are planning ahead for the coming month. You are probably doing better than most.
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daycarediva 09:56 AM 10-31-2012
Dump the assistant. Sorry but that is the one (and only) thing I really can back your dh on.


I ran my numbers over summer when deciding to add more kids, and I would need atleast 4 more kids to pay my assistant, and that isn't making ANY profit off of the additional workload and food/supplies. It simply wasn't worth it in the end.

(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
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Willow 09:56 AM 10-31-2012
My ex husband was this way.

The way I figure it he had trouble being honest. What comes out in crisis situations is the nit and grit of what we are and how we actually feel.

Anyone can sugar coat and go with the flow when things are easy. It's a lot easier to appease someone else, even if you disagree with them, so long as it doesn't directly affect you and you don't have to actively participate in supporting it. Sounds like that's exactly what's been going on here.

Honestly? I think it's a combination of his fibs catching up with him (that he was never actually on board with homeschooling or you doing daycare) and a lack of initiative to take any sort of responsibility for your current situation (which is why the move was now your fault, he's lashing out at the fact that your family offered help, he's berating you as a human being talking about not having a long term or "real" job etc. ect.)

Where is HE in all of that?? Seems he believes he is the victim to what was obviously a massive storm of your poor decisions and your poor decisions alone rather than a sweep of bad luck. Because that never happens to families.....nope......this is all your fault obviously



I agree with the counseling as it really isn't fair for you to have to keep dealing with his very nasty words simply because things get tough. Having disagreements about money is one thing, but kicking your spouse when they're down to try to build yourself up is a whole other animal.
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Michelle 10:02 AM 10-31-2012
if I had a choice of keeping my assistant employed or living in a big beautiful house?
I would choose the house.
BTW what does your dh do to bring income into the home?
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EntropyControlSpecialist 10:19 AM 10-31-2012
The things he is saying and the blame he is trying to place makes me wonder if he is depressed. He sounds depressed from what you've posted.

I think it may be time he see a Doctor.
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MarinaVanessa 10:20 AM 10-31-2012
Sounds to me like your DH is freaking out and unfortunately his frustration is aimed at you. He's probably just really stressed out and (not that it's an excuse) and he's lashing out. My DH is similar ... I don't know how any times I've had to tell him that unfortunately after you ring that bell you can't unring it. He has said and blamed me for things that hurt ... major things, things important to me. He has said that I've forced him into having our son, getting married, that I don't contribute and has said I was a neglectful mother amongst other things. Each time he's apologized afterward ... sort of and in his own way but unfortunately when someone says stuff like that to you it's hard not to let it cut you whether they mean it or not.

Right now your DH is probably feeling panicked and there's a need in him that needs to be met and unfortunately he's going about it the wrong way. As hard as it is right now the best thing for you to do when he says things like this is to simply do nothing and say nothing until his emotions have cooled down. Do not engage when he's in one of his moods. When he's calmed down and you're calmed down you need to sit down and talk with him about what he says and how it makes you feel. If he gets upset and starts to blame again it's time to disengage again. If it seems that he is not listening to you or willing to work this out then counseling through your church or therapist is definitely something to look into. Hugs
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countrymom 10:45 AM 10-31-2012
Hugs!

I don't understand why women always do the budget and when things don't balance out then its our fault. Can your dh get a second job for a few months. Also, do you have equal billing. In ontario you can get an equal billing where you pay the same amount each month. Whats costing you money to run your daycare.
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shelby 10:55 AM 10-31-2012
Hugs! Finances are the one thing that will stress out a marriage. I don't have anything more to add but wanted to tell you that I know how you must feel.
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EchoMom 11:06 AM 10-31-2012
I'm sorry, that's terrible.
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littlemissmuffet 12:56 PM 10-31-2012
I really have no advice, but I wanted to offer some *hugs* and let you know that the women here care and will listen. Being in financial distress can cause all kinds of issues, including marital... but you need to remind your husband that you need support right now, not to be crapped on. You need to be a team to get through this... and him beating up your career and being rude isn't helping matters AT ALL. Tell him he hurt you. Wishing you all the luck in the world!
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brookeroo 01:38 PM 10-31-2012
I swear so many similarities I cannot believe it. I am also down spots in my dc and he feels EXACTLY the same about me with it. We have had very similar conversations in the past although none recently. I almost thought I wrote it other than we just turned our rental and scored a tenant. Every time we have to do it though our marriage suffers. I HATE having it hanging over hour heads because he can be a complete and total scrooge about money anyway. You are lucky you are at least on the mortgage! I wish I was.

No words of wisdom... I can just relate. I had to improvise with him when it comes to the rental. He knows we have to deal with it and he doesn't want to.

He wants to slap a bandaid on all the problems and call it a day instead of fixing things the right way. He also doesn't want to run over there to show it every night but he wants people in it NOW. If I don't schedule them I'm not trying hard enough to get it turned and if I do then I'm putting him out of all his personal time booking up all his days. He has decided that he's only going there one day a week to show for two hours or at most a whole afternoon and I'm just supposed to tell everyone to come during that time. He wants to let people in that just see us there and drive by off the street.

I hate doing it that way because honestly its an insurance lability to just let everyone walk through it and see a vacant house with appliances sitting empty in it since it wouldnt be covered if someone stole them or stripped the house but he is irrational about being flexible.

I know if my vacant house got broken into he would also blame me because ultimately its my house and I'm the one who is responsible for making the decisions no matter how much of a pita he is about it. But do I want to meet some stranger in a vacant house alone? Or do I want to live with him being a burr up everyone's rear because he wants to pout about having to do adult things? Not so much...always a no win situation but I did get it turned in less than 30 days with a qualified person. I at least research my applicants well and do credit and background along with a lot of other things.

I only wish getting daycare families were that easy...
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Unregistered 02:07 PM 10-31-2012
Thank you all so much! It has been a crazy day (Harvest Fest activities at the daycare this afternoon) so I am just getting back.

My husband works in healthcare IT infrastructure management from home. He makes excellent money but the flip side of that is, he gets EVEN MORE frustrated when he sees it all going away because he feels like with our joint income we should have more "play" money. He fails to realize we are living AT our means (actually above now) when we used to live below our means and had the ability to splurge, save, and invest. Not a whole lot, but the breathing room was nice. Oh, and he pays child support and alimony to his ex-wife.

There is an uneven flow of responsibility here, I will openly admit that; but I think he was ruined by his mother (RIP) and his ex-. He's so used to being molly-coddled, and normally I'm more than willing to oblige; but today, today I need him to put on his big boy undies and help me make important decisions for the welfare of our family.

I lost one family (3 kiddos) but I still have 16 (if I include the part timers), so I have to have an assistant. On the flip side of that is, half of those families were with me from the beginning and pay me a lot less than the newer families that came in after my newer tuition raises (does that make sense?). Yes, I could dump them all and get higher clients, but I think we all know how easy it sounds in theory, as opposed to how difficult it is in reality. Heck, I can't fill the 3 spots I have! LOL!

DH is a good guy but his way of handling stress is so over-the-top, and you'd think after 15 years together, I'd have a thicker skin. I don't. I still tend be surprised when he acts out of character. It happens so infrequently, but when he goes, it's like a fire hose... and I am always SO EMOTIONALLY UNPREPARED.

We have to occupy the house we're doing daycare out of, so I can't use the other house as a center (although that's a ROCKING idea!!!!) and we would still fall short financially, I think. I didn't run the numbers trying that scenario, but I will to be thorough.

We need counseling, for sure. He needs to learn how to channel his emotions, and I need to learn how to communicate with him more effectively. There are no heroes in this story.

As for depression: Yes, he absolutely has a diagnosis a depression, and for a time we were working on getting that perfect combination of medications for him but unfortunately had to taper when his work insurance policy changed. Antidepressants can't be stopped immediately so we had to do the taper while we still had adequate coverage, because we knew after the switch all we could really have covered are our daughter's medications and therapies. We are now paying a way higher premium to cover us all and we're not getting even half of the coverage we had before. We have a $7500 deductible! I am, however, telling him that we need to bite the bullet and just pay for the meds out of pocket. He needs them!

It's just SO MUCH and it's SO FRUSTRATING! My mortgage with PMI is twice that of the smaller place. I know I don't want to disrupt my daycare children (and bios, for that matter) but I just fear if we keep careening like this, we'll end up in a ditch we won't be able to dig ourselves out of. Sigh. I am so sad today.
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daycare 02:24 PM 10-31-2012
bug hugs to you.... I bet this must be very hard for you to deal with.

I hope that things turn around for you very soon.

One thing that I would like to add and I don't mean this to sound rude, but in the future, try not to take families with that many kids. The reason is that when they leave, it's a huge impact on your monthly income. I will not take more than two kids from the same family and NO discount. Two spots are harder to fill than one.
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countrymom 06:46 PM 10-31-2012
don't worry, yesterday I told dh to put his big boy pants on and pay a bill and that he can acually do it without me watching him. I bet you all his co workers liked that comment.
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Unregistered 08:50 AM 11-01-2012
OP here.

I think we are going to do a restructuring after the 1st of the year and let some of our kids go so I can get under 6. Then I won't need an assistant. If I keep the 4 higher paying families then I'll still make less than I did with everyone plus the assistant, but I won't have to pay workers comp and unemployment, etc. Maybe then I'll have enough energy at the end of the day to work a part time job in the evenings a couple of days per week? Still working it out but I have a renewed resolve. November through mid-December will be tight but I am determined to get us out of this situation and back on to greener pastures.
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Tags:bad economy, husband
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