I really don't have any excuse for what I just did.....

It was a complete lack in judgement...

I interviewed for two part time kids. Perfect age for my group.

But when they showed up, they were OBESE! Like both kids were at least 30lbs overweight. (2 and almost 4 yrs old...boy/girl)

SO, the kids came in and seemed to enjoy themselves, the older one made a friend right away, and proceeded to be happily drug around the house by his new friend.

Mom explains everything about the kids, the hours, the needs etc. THEN, she says "As you can see, we do not limit foods, and they eat when they want, they have access to the pantry, but not the fridge, so I usually leave the cold food out on their tables. We don't have dogs, so you will need to keep the dog locked up. (I always do)

So, I said "Well, we eat at specific times only, and we eat snack, lunch, then snack again, but nothing inbetween.. I can't make food available at all times"

She (very nicely ) said "I can provide the extra food for them, but they can't just eat three times during the day".

I said (here's where it fell apart) "I can't do that because I have five other kids who will expect to eat all day long too..... Bobby would love to eat all day too, but I can't do that *I put both hands out towards her two kids in a gesture meaning Can't turn Bobby into what your kids are* to him.

There was no way to get out of it either... I felt like such a jerk. I can't even describe how bad I instantly felt. Mom's feelings were visibly hurt, and I stammered for a minute. I couldn't even form a thought to apologize.

It was the tackiest, most unprofessional thing I think I have ever done in my life. (not counting high school)

Obviously, she ended the visit with "Maybe this won't work out, I appreciate your time".

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I kind of think she needed to hear that.

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do not beat yourself up about it... maybe the way it came out didn't sound as you had intended (although it doesn't sound that bad) but mom needs a wake up call on what she is doing to her kids. How on earth can a 4 year old be 30 lbs overweight???? That is insane. I hope she gets more people to tell her no to that way of eating/feeding them.

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Leaving food out all day for the children to graze on??? Yeah, that would go over real well with my food program auditor! Sheesh...some parents are unbelievable! I wouldn't feel too bad about what was said, obviously that parent has some learning to do. I can't imagine she will have an easy time finding a provider to follow her meal philosophy...

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I think she would have been open to hearing about it, but the way I said it was so rude and judgy. I COULD have said "I just can't do that, because I can't afford to feed all the kids all day". But, Instead I pointed at her children and said "THAT".

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1. She stated her expectation of what you NEEDED to do.

2. You corrected her expectation with what your RULE is regarding food.

3. She attempted to politely go around your rule because it just didn't work for her.

4. You corrected her expectation again with reality.

Really, I don't see that you did anything wrong. Could you have made a softer/gentler comment about it or some lie? Sure. But, reality is reality and being obese is certainly not healthy for her own two children and you contributing to a third child's obesity (really, making him obese) is a form of abuse. A lie isn't going to save those children's lives.

I think you unknowingly did yourself a favor. Seems like Mom isn't too keen on common rules and would be fighting you tooth and nail the entire time she was in your business.

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My 4.5 year old barely weighs 30 lbs...well, 41.6 but still, if she was 30 lbs overweight she'd weigh as much as my solid 8 year old nephew! That's insane!

I think mom needed to hear that; don't beat yourself up. Maybe she'll wake up and realize that she's making a HUGE mistake.

(disclaimer: I'm pretty overweight/obese myself but it ain't from having free and clear access to all the food in the house!)

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We've all said or done things that we would change if we could go back, so don't beat yourself up about it. And in all honesty, it was something that A) she needed to hear, and B) she will undoubted hear again unless she makes some changes.

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Yeah, the delivery wasn't that great, but hopefully the mom heard what you were trying to say.

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Think of it this way, she will call her girlfriend, mom or sister and gripe about you, they will see it as an opportunity to talk to her about their own feelings on her kids weight. Using you as a starting place. It may not have been tactful. May not have been polite, but it may just be what she needs to hear. (((())))

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The littlest one was wearing a juniors top as a dress. She had to weigh at least 50 lbs, and the four year old had shorts for a much older child on that went to his ankles. He had a polo shirt that was probably for a 14 yr old boy. HIs shoes had to be unlaced so they would fit his feet.

I really don't think I have many chairs and things that the four year old could have sat on without it breaking or not fitting him. My ikea chairs would not have held up to him.

Both were nice, polite, happy kids. Both played nicely with the toys, and were just really good kids. They just moved here from Nebraska, so hopefully she doesn't know enough people here yet to talk bad about me to potential clients....even though what I did was really wrong.

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you could always apologize for your approach on the subject, although clearly stating that you are not open to changing the rules. perhaps you could have phrased it a nicer way but the rule still needed to be expressed.

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My 9 mo weighs 28 lbs. She was breast fed solely until 5 mos, then both formula and breast. We didn't start foods until 8 mos. She is starting to wear 24 mos clothes. She's also 31" tall.

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I'm sorry, but not just allowing but encouraging your children to form unhealthy eating habits to the tune of it causing them major weight problems? That's abuse. Period. No matter which way you slice it that's doing bodily harm and it's unacceptable.

I would have said the same thing and not felt bad about it at all. Maybe a little thrown that mom was visibly upset by the truth, but not guilty for having come out with it. As long as it wasn't directed at kiddo and kiddo's feelings were hurt I don't think you were out of line.


It's one thing if she recognized there was a problem and was looking for guidance and help, but to so much as demand you continue to enable them in that way? That's just sick.




Think of it this way, if they were very visibly underweight and she was demanding you diet them wouldn't it be natural to have a similarly strong reaction?

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If you were feeding her a box of twinkies every day then that would be comparable.

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I totally agree. I have a very hard time watching anyone overfeed a child (or feeding them horrible "foods")without saying something.

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I think we've all been in the position where we've said something we immediately wished we could take back! It happens.

I would not apologize for sticking to my rules, or even be apologetic about them. But in your situation, I would apologize for what I said and how I said it. And I HAVE had to give apologies for speaking unthoughtfully in other situations....

I do not think the family was a good fit if they insisted on overfeeding the children. So somehow I'd just say "I was calling because I felt terrible about what I had said, and that while I agreed it probably was not a good fit for their family, I shouldn't have said what I did and I wanted to apologize." Something like that.

I have lots of experience....

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That's good... I'll say that. Thanks.

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good for you for not participating to help "KILL" these two kids. Yes that word is harsh, but that is what this mother is doing. I could type a laundry list of diseases that these two children are going to face, if not already, if this mom keeps doing this. I think that it's just as horrible as starving your child. Both will end up with serious health issues either way....So sad for these kids. Honestly, I think that our government needs to add this as child endangerment....but I know they never will....

I know you feel bad about it, but maybe she needed to hear the truth.

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We all let things fly out of our mouths that may not be said in the most tactful way. But, this mom did need to hear that. She obviously found nothing wrong with letting her kids become obese. She is starting them early on an unhealthy way of life. No way would I have agreed to let her kids graze all day like that either. Don't beat yourself up about it. She really did start the conversation on that bent when she said "as you can see".

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I wouldn't worry about it. The Mom basically made it clear that it won't work for her because you refuse to feed the children continuously throughout the day, so you likely won't even hear from her again. I'd let it go.

And, don't beat yourself up about it. We all "slip" from time to time....your human! And, as others have said, Mom REALLY needed a wake up call. If anything, I'd send her some literature on childhood obesity

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We've all said things that we wish we could take back, or say differently. If it's any consolation, I once blurted out "You can't control the 2 you have!" To a mom when she proudly brought in her daughter & son in Big Brother/Sister t-shirts. I felt so bad afterwards. There have been other times.

I'm wondering what mom is going to do when the kids go to school. And good luck to her finding a reputable child care provider willing to let her kids graze all day long.

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i agree with what the others have said, don't worry about it. I wonder if you didn't feed them all day long, would the mom weigh them to find out if they are loosing weight. Also was the mom obese, I'm just trying to figure out why she would want fat unhealthy kids.

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My sister feeds her childern like this. However, her children are very active and not over wieght. most liekly it is not that the mom whants over weight

children just that she feels it is not right to deney people food that people should eat as much as they whant when ever they whant that not feeding a

child when they say they are hungry is mean. Atleast that is how my sister feels about the matter. However, her children do not complain when they vistit.

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If it bothers you that much then apologise and move on.

I have to share something with you - will PM you. Really can't post it here.

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Sorry this sounds like some thing I would have said too, but might not feel as bad...You said the right thing, mom is basically killing her kids in the long run, sounds horrible but that's what obesity is especially at such a young age when parents have the ability to control what children put into their bodies...so sad

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She doesn't want fat unhealthy kids. She wants controlled kids. She uses food to control them.

or she does want them unhealthy and will get more money from state funding to deal with the issues over weight is going to create.


If you want the kids, I would call her and explain you have a schedule and lets give it a try, maybe working together you could both get them in a better place. Make sure you want to take this on first.

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You are very welcome! Hope it works out!

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I did call the mom and apologize for my attitude. But, she (rightfully) felt like I would not be a good fit since I clearly thought that about them. I would NOT be mean to them, but if someone said that about my child, I wouldn't want them to be with my kids either. Even though It's not what I am really like.

The mom is a little heavy, but not obese, so I don't know why she feels like they need full access to food. I think it's just one of those "new" ways to parent.

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Saw this today and instantly thought of this thread!

There is one category of budgeting that can make a huge difference in your spending, and that (no surprise here) is food.

Of course, food is not simply an expenditure. Food physically fuels us and is also one of life’s greatest pleasures. From preparation to consumption to clean up, food defines our days and nourishes our souls.

But that doesn’t mean we should just eat whatever we want whenever we want. Not only would that method clog our arteries, but it would also drain our bank accounts. But does a commitment to cheap eating relegate us to nothing but bland lentils and oatmeal? (Not to malign lentils, as one of my favorite dishes is red lentil soup!)

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It could be anything. Might stem from her own childhood. Could be that she heard this from her health care provider- maybe took it the wrong way. Anything is possible. Her kids could have been preemies when they were born.

Kudo's to you for apologizing. Did you use this time to explain to her what your about and what you were trying to get across? How your program works and why you shouldn't feed children like that.

Her mind was probably made up. You did the right thing and as everyone else has said, yes it came out wrong, but you got this women thinking and if she is bad mouthing you, you have opened a door that no one else prob dared to open. We have all been there and said things we wish we could take back.

I wonder what her reasoning for letting her kids eat like that was? I have my guesses but would be curious to know why.

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I also wonder what her reasoning is. It's not an entirely unsound principle, to let children govern how hungry they are and how much/often they need to eat. However, there is one major caveat--if she's letting them graze on cookies, chips, and Spaghetti-Os, she has a problem and that's why THEY have the problem. Letting kids graze on string cheese, carrots, and whole grain crackers is an entirely different kettle of fish. I bet activity level figures in too...if they're doing that grazing because they spend the day sedentary in front of the TV then they are eating out of boredom, not hunger (and possible nutrition deprivation as well, or dehydration if they never drink anything but soda and juice and chocolate milk). If they're up and moving and active and busy all day, then the chance is much better that they are eating out of true hunger.

Grazing is a perfectly valid lifestyle choice and parenting choice, though not compatible with daycare, and entirely dependent on the parent being willing to set limits on the available foods as well as setting good examples themselves ("YUM! Peas! Oh I love peas!" <--but not fake, like that reads, lol) and making sure the children aren't sedentary little lumps in front of the television. IN other words, it's a choice that, like all others, requires a parent to actually parent in order to be successful--and yes, like all parenting, it involves occasionally (or frequently, depending) on making your child angry. The funny thing is that if your kid gets mad at you sometimes, you're doing it right.

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But peas ARE good! Have you ever tried the frozen baby peas not cooked but just defrosted in a salad or pasta salad? Yummy!!!

I think those that have the overweight children just don't see it. They still have the impression that they are babies and chubby babies are cute.

Remember Willy Wonka's Augustus Gloop? His parents thought he was just perfect!

Aunt Petunia thought her Dudders was perfect too.

There are people out there that think that way.

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OH, I know peas are good! I eat 'em all the time because I love them. We eat them frozen as snacks, too. And frozen corn. The kids love it.

What I meant was that parents need to eat the good foods and talk about how yummy and tasty they are. Too often (in stores or restaurants or wherever) I hear parents saying, "God I hate vegetables, gross. Johnny, finish your broccoli!" Yeah like THAT is encouraging him to like it! I got an entire table of picky eaters to love avocado one day just by sitting and eating it with them and talking about how super delicious it is.

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Oh My! My four year old daughter is 33" tall and 31lbs. She is teeny tiny for her age though. Even though she eats like a horse. She definitely got that from her dad..not from me!

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Oh my! I suppose I can understand a Montessori approach and having maybe some veggies out for the kids to graze on... But I really cannot think of another acceptable reason why someone would do that to their child. Clearly they are not regulating food themselves and need adult supervision.

I think mom needed to hear it, and sometimes we can say things in a not so nice way but the point gets across. Yes, you could have been more tactful, but maybe you planted a seed in the moms mind that will start a healthier lifestyle for the kids and save their lives. In my opinion, non-medical obese children really is a form of child abuse. (Not talking overweight- I am talking obese). How sad

I wonder if they will find a group provider who is willing to go along with that. Good luck. No way in heck I would ever leave food around- talk about a mess!

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