Last year, I was pregnant with my 3rd child. I cared for a set of twins, a 2 year old, and a 4 year old. I was stressed and miserable and exhausted all the time, and I hated life.

The twins went on to all day preschool, and I had my baby. I added a 1 year old. So here we are today- I have two 1 year olds, two 3 year olds, and two 5 year olds. The 3 and 5's are in school 2 days a week, however I do the transportation for that. (I drive a SUV with a 3rd row, and it is a PAIN to lift the kids over the back seat, into the 3rd rom, take them to school, get them all out, pick up the kids from school, then pack them all in the car to go home, but that's another gripe for another day).

With the crew that I have now, I do not hate life. It is a lot of work, esp since 3 of the littles are my own, and the littlest is still awake at night. I am up 1-2 times in the middle of the night, and awake taking care of kids from 6am, until mine go to sleep, which is supposed to be by 7:30, however the middle child is protesting bed, so I am sticking her back in her bed until 9 occasionally. My "free time" is from 9pm-10pm, in which I usually watch TV and pass out.

I *could* take another dck, but my schedule works out that I only have 4 kids to watch on Fridays, and I usually schedule all of my appointments for then, and have a family member help me out with the kids.

I need a life too. I need to be able to go to drs appointments, and just to breathe every now and then.

We are having money troubles, and dh wants me to take on another dck. I don't want to. I can manage life now, and am relatively happy, and was so miserable before, I don't ever want to go back to feeling that way. I itemized all of our expenses from last year, and noticed where we could make a ton of cuts. DH spends 1-200 a month on his hobbies, and another 150-200 a month on going out to eat at work.

I don't know how to explain to DH that I just cant. He thinks I am just being lazy and that childcare is so easy, so why not. He has no clue that being housebound all day everyday is awful. He is always telling me he would love to trade places bc it is so easy being a SAHM and watching dck's, but when he spends time with our own kids he gets so frustrated and just sticks them in front of the TV while he plays on his phone all day.

WWYD? I have an interview for a DCK tonight, but honestly I want to cancel.

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I don't know how you do it as it is, because it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

However, this would be my response to your husband. Yes that is a great idea, we'll pick up two extra kids for the night shift for which you will be responsible because I'll be watching our children, making dinner etc. And tell him you'll line up the interviews for him.

If he doesn't like that one, he can get a night or weekend job because it sounds like you have two jobs as it is. Oh and I can't put on here what else I'd tell him because it's a lot of $@^%!

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Show him this post..or basically tell him everything you said here. He's being unreasonable. Wanting you to work harder while he doesn't have to give up anything. Put your foot down or compromise on something with him. I'm not sure why you can't tell him everything you told us. Have you done that? It sounds like you guys need better communication skills if not. (That's not meant to sound judgey..just an observation.)

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He keeps telling me that watching daycare kids, or our own kids isn't "hard." I agree- it's not exactly rocket science mentally per-se, however, when you are sleep deprived, and taking care of everyone else for 12-15 hours a day, the hard part is holding in my own frustration with it. Sure, it's easy to stick a bunch of kids in front of a TV and feed them easymac and hot dogs, but that isn't what I do. I am a all natural/organic, homemade, no TV, educationally inspired daycare. That is how I want to raise my own kids, and that's how I care for the dck's as well. Just because I am good at my job doesn't mean it is easy. The kids are well behaved bc I get off my butt each and every time to reinforce every rule, and stress manners and good behavior. The house is clean bc I clean it.

I feel like I stand in the center of the room all day, and just go around picking up, refereeing, feeding people, doing crafts, and taking kids to the bathroom. Even during the kids free play, I still have to closely supervise. I cant go to the bathroom with the door closed, I eat standing up... it is so frustrating. And this isn't just for my "job," because I do the same before and after work with my own kids.

I suppose I just need to vent. Would you cancel the interview tonight?

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You can't convince him, you can't change him. I'm sorry you are going through this. I 100% understand how you feel.

My first thought and reaction to your post is that this is not a child care or money issue but a relationship issue. He cannot understand what you are talking about.

My very old fashioned advice: figure out what he wants. Make him happy. Right now he thinks he will be happy with more money. But if you show him how to be happy in other ways (not necessarily sexual, haha) he will feel better. He may be completely insecure about money. Sorta like a someone who isn't allowed to have candy, so all they want to eat is candy. Once he feels more secure, he may not worry about the extra income.

My husband stresses out about the kids. I didn't realize it for a long time. I didn't understand why I hated the weekends. It was because he would sit and play his ipad with a movie going and wonder why the kids are cranky after four to six hours of doing nothing. I wanted to yell and scream. But, as a woman of faith (yes you can eye roll, haha) and I wanted to know how to change him to understand what he was doing wrong. I realized I couldn't. So instead, I take the kids out on the weekends, I make extra crafts. If he leaves, I suggest he takes at least one kid out for ice cream and make a mini date out of it always involving something he likes. If he does put on a movie, I get the kids involved or I use it as a break for myself to take a shower or workout (which is hard when I just want to catch up). The end result, I work more, but I am less stressed on the weekends, if that makes sense.

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Is there a way he can spend a day with you during the week and SEE what you do all day? If so, tell him after he does that, you'll consider it. But, you also need to sit down TOGETHER and see where you could cut some things out of your budget. "WILL YOU DO THAT FOR ME, HONEY?" l

I've also realized a long time ago with my own dh is this that he needs time to mull things over. So, when I have a request of him, I always say "why don't you think about it for a couple days...then WALK AWAY. It seems to really help him digest if he doesn't feel pressured to answer on the spot. So, make your proposal, say that, and let him think. My dh can be very unreasonable (fight or flight of him is ALWAYS FIGHT), but he usually does the right thing in the end.

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Every time I talk to him, he gets defensive. If I showed him this post, he would just say that I have nothing better to do than to sit around and complain about him on a forum. He thinks because he goes to work, his life is so hard. I would do anything for his 45 minute drive to and from work. 45 minutes of actual peace and quiet, where I could listen to any music I want to! Heaven. And a lunch break- that would be soooo nice!

We do have poor communication. I have yet to find a way to talk to him without him getting defensive. We have been together 16 years, and married for 6

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He has seen me doing daycare, and he still says it is easy. Mind you, this is while he sits on the couch with a laptop or tablet. When he watches our kids, he just lets them watch tv or use an ipad while he sits on a laptop, so in his mind, that is what he would do, and it is easy. He doesn't comprehend that when you are the sole influence on the kids, you have to actually work with the kids.

I like the walk away idea. I will try that approach and see if it helps.

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Have you communicated that if he made some sacrifices that you wouldn't need to take on an extra DCK?
Maybe suggest making cutbacks, and maybe if that doesn't work out, then take on another DCK - or perhaps he can work overtime hours?
I think you need to express how you feel to him. Perhaps he doesn't realize how you are feeling. Sometimes men need things spelled out for them. lol

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Explain to him that by having other people's children in your home there can be liability issues. For every additional child you bring in, the less you can watch them because your time is divided amongst every child there. More children = less supervision which could result in accidents and being sued.

I am amazed that you are able to do what you are already doing with 1 year old twins! You are already Wonder Woman!

When you have little ones, sacrifices have to be made. It's a part of growing up. You running yourself ragged so that he can spend $ on his hobbies is not going to end well.

Before either of you spend you have to ask the question "Do I really NEED this?"

I wish you luck explaining to him that you just can't do it right now.

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Rather than tell him this scenario or that one, why not just ask him to trust what you are saying.

You do NOT want another child in the mix.

If you are happy and managing right now and adding another child to the mix would make it 10x worse, tell him he simply HAS to trust that you are doing the right thing.

Your own children deserve a mother who has the mental and physical energy to spend quality time with them after hours and asking you to take on more is like asking your children to take the short end of it.

Tell him HE needs to look at ways to cut money FIRST before he asks you to give more of YOU.

If he wants a happy wife, happy mother for his children, he should respect what his wife is trying to tell him and figure out another way around the issue at hand.

Stand your ground...your own mental health and physical health is MORE important than ANY amount of money. PERIOD.

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Watching someone doing DC & doing DC are two different beast. I would tell him you will consider it. First he has to take some time off work & experience what it's like from your shoes. Do all your DC work (& after work) for a couple of days. No help from you. Everything. Diaper. Bottles. Food prep. Cleanup. No help. Everything. You will also consider restricting your hobby funds $100-200 a month & lunches out by the same amount if he does. (I'm sure you don't have these expenses, but it will bring light to his.) Smile when you mention it & ask him to take time to think it over. Smile again & let him speak.

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I will try the trust approach too. I know that is cannot see things from my point of view, and in his eyes, it is easy, so why not add another easy kid and make a few hundred dollars more a month. He just doesn't understand, and I have this far not been able to help him see things from my viewpoint.

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Maybe instead of him watching you do daycare have him take over for a day/couple hours? Not to prove anything, just cuz you have an appt that you absolutely need to go to and have no sub (something like that so he doesn't think he is being tested!).

Just an idea on how you might be able to get it him to understand- although my honest opinion based just on your posts and my previous experiences I would say it isn't a matter of him "not understanding" how hard daycare is- it is him using that as an excuse to be selfish.

What I could do in your situation, with my personality and life experiences, is to tell him NO. NO you cannot take on more kids, NO you cannot work more hours, NO you cannot do XYZ.

Then tell him you ARE willing to cut out (insert whatever thing you do that is adding to the budget that is optional, that you are willing to give up. For example for me that would be going out to eat, I am willing to cut our out to eat costs from approx $75 a week to $25. For us that is a "me" cost since I am the cook, my hubby doesn't care what we eat and sometimes I don't want to cook!). That will remove however much (in my example $200 a month, 1/2 of 1 child's income) from the budget. Then leave it at that. You have already shown him how he can give things up to lower the budget. It would be obvious, without having to be said, that you have met him 1/2 way and if he really thinks you need the income from 1 more child he would need to cut 1/2 a child's income from your budget or make 1/2 a child's income more in added hours at work or another job. If he doesn't make those changes then so what? You already met him 1/2 way. If he brings up the issue again say that $'s saved are the same as $'s earned and you already cut your part of 1 child's income from your expenses

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I disagree with having hubby take over DC to "show" him. The OP has already said he would park the kids in front of electronics and then tell her all about how easy it was

This isn't about dc. Like another poster said, this is a relationship issue. He hears what he wants to hear and idk if anyway the OP approaches it will make a difference.

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This makes so much sense to you and I He doesn't get the penny saved is a penny earned bit. Childcare for our 3 kids, with their driving needs and schedules in our area, would be about 30,000 a year, AFTER I paid taxes. I would have to have a salary of 38,000. Add what I bring in for daycare, which is about 25,000. So I would have to make 63,000 at a job, to still have the same quality of life we have now. And I also don't think you can put a price on caring for your own kids, and the extras they get by me staying home with them. When I tell him this, he says, yeah, but its not the same as if you made that much at a job. Really??? He is very smart, about to go to law school (more work for me on the home front), and cant get the math for some reason.

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The school that you drop off kids at.. do they have an elementary school too?
If they do, have you considered taking on a school aged child?
I take school age and they are wonderfully helpful especially with the babies.
They play with the babies and I even have a 13 year old girl sit in the recliner and feed babies. ( with parents permission)
It's important to get the right child because not all school age kids are a good fit.

Hugs to you, I know what you are going through
I had 5 children of my own 7 years old and under.
Sleep IS a luxury

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Oh gee...

Is this a plot to one of those movies?

Seriously, you are working like a dog while he goes to law school and takes lunches with his buddies. Fast forward 5 years, and you're 30 pounds heavier, and have "let yourself go". Now, he's an attorney, and some young "thing" in the office catches his eye.

I'm kidding, but I'm not kidding. You are not doing yourself any favors by sacrificing your happiness for your husband or kids. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, TOO. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO DO THAT!

I really, really, think you need to sit down together and negotiate what it is you both want from your marriage and finances. It's a hard, tough, awkward conversation to start, but you need to do it. Otherwise, you'll be having a whole other conversation in a few years, I guarantee it. How do I know? Because my first husband was sooooo much like yours. He had money for his hobbies, and made a big stink if I wanted even a little something or time for myself. I had kids to care for 16 hours a day, both ours and others, and he watched tv and played video games. He is now my EX husband! We had 4 kids; the youngest was 14 months old, but I could not spend another day with him. Now, we are friends...ish.


BC has it completely right...and she knows because she's been married for about a billion years. There needs to be mutual respect and negotiation. One thing I would negotiate for is an evening a week to yourself, where he takes care of the kiddos and you can go sit in Starbucks or whatever. Even if he ignores them completely, THEY WILL BE OK. He isn't you, and that's ok, too.

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Wow. That is eye opening, and I think that you are probably right on the money. I just cancelled the interview for tonight.

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I just want to clarify...my dh did work. It's just that he thought that this bringing home a paycheck and mowing the lawn once a week was the extent of his responsibilities as a husband and father.

We had dogs; he wanted them. Giant, dogs. The boys (9 & 11) had to clean up the yard after them.

He's into gaming/medieval stuff, comic books, etc. There was a sword collection, a comic book collection, and computers up the wazoo. The kitchen we had was from 1976, though.

It's not that he never did anything for me. But, it was always on HIS terms, not because I wanted it. He'd feel "generous" once in a while and do something for me, but if I asked for something (monetary or not), it was always "what do I get out of it?" Very much a control thing, to be honest.

If I wanted to go out with a friend or even to a meeting, he didn't say "you CANT go", but he made me pay for it with the silent treatment or other passive-aggressive things like refusing to tell me any details of how the evenings without me went. Or, he'd make snarky "did you have FUN?" comments.


Yeah..it was like that.

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He can't possibly understand how difficult it is to run a home daycare, care for your own kids around the clock, and keep the house clean, meals cooked, etc. Believe me, I understand, and am in a similar situation. You can't take on any more kids -you have so much going on, and yet you manage -it 's too much for him to expect more. You are not a sahm, you are a wahm and it is so much more challenging than just siitting on your computer all day. He's going to have to understand that you know your limits and he needs to respect that. I wouldn't even leave it open for debate.

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I agree with Heidi.

It sounds to me like you like your husband more than you like yourself. Stand up for yourself, your kids and your family and tell him he needs to cut things out of his spending and/or work more hours. You are already cutting things out by staying home (gas money, daycare expenses, clothing, lunch at work, etc). You and your children deserve to have you, and a sane and happy you at that.

This conversation makes me sad because I have been there. You can do it, stand your ground. Not just about the interview (yay for you for cancelling!) But about everything in your marriage. It is a marriage. With children. Decisions need to be made for thr better interest of the family not just to make dh "happy"... which it sounds like he is not (with his job that is). I would address that with him. With you being home anyways there is no better time for him to career soul search. He needs to do that if his job is not what he wants, instead of being jealous of your "easy" job (ha!)

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My dh and I had four kids together. We all know by now how babies are made, but he actually tried to suggest once that I'd "tricked" him into having #4. Yeah, that's how it was.... Now, I remember it differently, but whatever.


I love men, I really do, but some have this attitude that they're doing you some big favor by giving you the babies you've always wanted, then sticking around to help support them. KWIM? It's like they have the luxury of being as invested as they happen to feel like being invested. Guess what? That's NOT how it works!

I think one reason the divorce rate is as high as it is, is because a lot of men put themselves in the position of being just a paycheck. Then, women realize that if all they're providing is money, we really don't need to put up with the video-game-playing-remote-hoarding-socks-on-the-floor too. Kick 'em to the curb, and you still get the paycheck, and you're doing it all alone anyway, right?

Then, all the sudden they're super-dad and they want 50/50 custody.

Not saying this is all men..by any means. But, I do see a commonality. I know a LOT of people in marriages or divorces like this.

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Nah, she doesn't like her husband more than herself. She just doesn't realize she's just as entitled to be happy as he is, and that it's just as much HIS job to make HER life better as it is her job to make his better.

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My wife would love it if i dropped them all, wish she wasnt so overworked herself

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Posts like this make me said. I would suggest a third party and some counseling to get all these issues sorted out. Its about a lot more than adding one daycare kid. If he won't go, I would go for awhile just by yourself. you dont deserve to be treated like this. run ragged and pushed to your limit and undervalued....thats no kind of life. *lots of hugs*

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This makes me sad too. While I miss the days of being overworked with DC (so slow here) I wouldn't want so many that I feel crazy and feel forced financially to do more.

One question though is once Fall comes the two 5's will be in Kindy right? Maybe compromise on taking another child THEN. Until then he may need to cut corners on lunch and hobbies.

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Well, that sucks OP. I remember your posts when you decided to downsize the last time. You were really stressed. Being burnt out is no way to continue this type of career for the long term. You are wise to know your limits, and cancel the interview.

I would say something similar to Blackcat, but also stand up for myself a little more. You should not overwork yourself so he has "fun" money. I would not engage his comments about daycare being easy at all. He doesn't do it the way you do, he will never get it. Next time he brings it up, maybe try this:

"DH, I understand you are worried about money. I have done the calculations, and the amount of money an extra daycare kid would bring in equates to roughly the amount you are spending on your own hobbies and lunches out in a month. This money spent has nothing to do with me, nor with your children which would be hurt by the decision to bring another child into care. I am not going to argue how "easy" it will be, because frankly I know my limits and we have been there before. I expect you to trust me when I say I cannot take on another child. Therefore, I am willing to do the following compromises: I will set aside leftovers for you to bring for lunch instead, and provide free childcare for you when you engage in your hobbies, just as I have always done. If the money short is money spent on YOU, then you should earn the money. I have circled a few part time jobs in the paper for you. Otherwise, I consider this matter closed. Please bear in mind, if I DID decide to take on another kid, that money would be going to preserving MY well being, not your off work activities. I would make sure that not a penny went to your hobbies, and do not appreciate being pressured like this." And then walk away.

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Didn't we discover our husband are from the same country. ??

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Yes, they are.

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Praying for your husband to develop a stronger appreciation of you. This is a heart issue for him and has very little, if anything, to do with additional income.

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Thanks. These past 2 days, I have been trying to be extra nice to him, in hopes that he will reciprocate. We will see if that has any impact, if at all.

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Laurel

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This is how far down the thread I got. I didn't even finish reading the rest of your post. I literally LOL'd when I read this



Ask your DH to talk to my DH about whether or not watching my DC children and our own 3 kids is easy. My DH will probably if I asked him to stay a full-day with just our own 3 kids.

I had him try it once for a week. After about the second day he was taking his blood pressure medication in the mornings religiously (preemptively). So ask him to stay home for a day and take over. Give him a general idea of what your routine is and let him have at it while you do the simple stuff like the cleaning and cooking. Or make him a deal ... err, compromise. You'll add another DCK and he cuts all of his hobbies out and makes his own lunches at home.

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Have you discussed things further? Has your extra effort made any impact? I get what you are going through and it is so frustrating!

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Anytime I go anywhere without our 2 kids, my dh calls and calls and calls..lol And when I have 4 dc kids plus my 1 or 2, the basement is dh's best friend!

No wonder he won't take the classes to be an assistant just in case!

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sorry I could not get back to you. class time kept me busy.

Well as you and I both know, men from this country are very very spoiled. My husband like yours did NOTHING growing up and was handed everything and everything was done for them. My DH was 34 when we wed. He could not do anything. Work the washer, the stove, the vacuum, pay his own bills etc. I think earlier when we last talked that we discovered our husbands to be very much the same.

Everything looks easy to them well because they have never had to do it. Their aunt, mom or grandmother did EVERYTHING for them. Then came us and we are not their mom, GM or their aunt. We want everything 50-50.

I grew up where my sister, mother and I did everything for my brother and father. I swore on my life I would never have that in a marriage. So when I married MY husband, I had to teach him how to do everything. that was 10 years ago and still there are certain things he does not ever do. BUT he has come a really really long way.

What I have found is that unless I make him do it himself, he would just look at me and think oh that is so easy why can't you do it. My reply, if it's so easy then I am sure you don't mind doing it. I have developed a lot of patience with my husband. I know where to pick my battles and where not to. For the most part, things are great. But there are those days I just want to smack him upside his big head when I find myself on my hands and knees at 10pm cleaning the bathroom floor for the 20th time that week. Ok, yeah I am exaggerating. lol but you know how that feels I am sure.

I have learned not to keep score and to always compromise and I have had to teach him to do the same. One would think a grown man can do this on his own, but when everyone in your life growing up did everything short of wiping your butt for you, well they just don't know how because they didn't know what compromising was.

If my husband told me this, I would tell him great I will take on another child no problem, but I will need you to pick up more work too. If I take on another child, then I would like for you to take on OUR children when you get home along with the night time chores. Make him do it. you have to throw in the towel and show him what you do every night. because when we do it, IT LOOKS EASY. everything looks easy until you have to do it yourself.

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Last night, DH and I sat down and had a big talk about budget. It was very difficult and a little tumultuous at first, but I think we made some progress. I had him go over every expense from last year, line by line, to show him where cuts can be made, and how much he actually was spending. His response was that I spend too much on groceries

But I did tell him that he needed to trust me that I cannot take another child right now and be mentally sane, and I also pointed out how much money I was saving in daycare costs. He maintained that we could find a daycare that would take all 3 of our kids for $15,000. (Completely ridiculous in our area-I charge $40/day). So I even went with his figure, and added to it how much I make at home, and added in gasoline fees, food, and wardrobe. Even after that he still maintained that if I went out and got an outside job, we would be able to pay our bills easier, to which I replied, that we wouldn't, because that money would go to daycare and we would be in the same position as we are now. And that is IF, I could find a job making over 50K outside of the home, which Im not sure I could quickly even do, since my previous career was extremely specialized and no longer in high demand. Ugh. But for now, I think he is going to back off of asking me to pick up extra kids.

My gameplan is to try and be happy each and every moment in life, and look for the positive things, instead of the negative. We will see how long that lasts. At least I can change how I look at things, and keep my head up, and focus on being the best wife and mother and best "me" I can be. I am going to keep trying, and I am glad that I stood up for myself and said no more DCKS.

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happy to hear that it worked out. I used to have a hard time telling my DH no too. He would act like a two year old when I did, so I would do everything to see whatelse could be done before I responded. Now I just say oh well, if you can think of something better let me know otherwise it's this.

I hope that things stay in the green for you and that you enjoy the rest of your week now that is out of the way!!!!

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Sounds like you really made an effort to communicate with him clearly.

Good job!

Next time though when he suggests picking up an extra daycare kid, tell him you will gladly do so if he gets a second job too. (kidding...but that's kind of the same thing he is asking of you.)

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Good for you! Yeah, $15,000 a year for 3 kids? I can't imagine that ever happening and if it did, what kind of care can you get for $19 a day for each child? Great job!

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I've been married for 31 years, had my daycare for 20. At first my husband didn't appreciate everything I did with the DC but he does now. This sounds like a relationship issue and not a money issue and not a "how much money you can bring in with an extra DC child" issue. He sounds like a very selfish man, bottom line. I'm sure he has his good points too but on this it's a no brainer. You are stressed out and you are doing everything you can. This is HIS spending issue, not your issue. He needs to grow up and figure out what HE needs to do to rectify this situation, NOT YOU. I think you just need to tell him you are maxed out and anything that needs to be done differently will have to be on his end. Then walk away and quit worrying about HIS money problems. Stick to your guns on this.

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