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Old 07-06-2020, 02:19 PM
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Default Managing Arguments

Let me start by saying I am not trying to vent about the kids. I'm looking for input on how to better manage the situation as the provider. Problem #1 I have 2 SA kiddos who are siblings and they fight constantly. Like, we rarely go more than 20 minutes w/o an argument. And this week it escalated into physically pushing/hitting twice. I sit them in time out when this happens and end whatever "fun" thing they were doing. Problem #2 my own SA son has struggled with managing his emotions all his life. He has some sensory challenges which are not an excuse,but do play into the issue. We've worked hard to teach self regulation skills and he is doing wonderful. School no longer notices an issue and at home he was melting down maybe once a month or so. But we're back to almost daily now, primarily triggered by the fighting of the afore mentioned kids. It sets him on edge and ends with him screaming or crying. They tend to get in his space and nag him with annoying sounds, splashing with water at the water table, etc. They've both told me separately that they do this on purpose b/c they think his reaction is so funny. How on Earth do I manage this behavior all around? They are good family friends and we spend time with them out of care so I need advice as to how to discipline in a way to curb the behavior on their part and any suggestions on helping my son manage the outbursts? Today we made a secret signal so he can let me know when he feels himself escalating but I'm not sure what else to do. Or what other consequences to use for the other kids. My own ds gets sent to his room to calm down and loses privileges. Please help!
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Old 07-06-2020, 05:07 PM
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Ariana Ariana is online now
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How old are they? My advice is put them to work. When my kids are fighting it means they are bored so it is time to work. Clean something, tidy up, organize etc etc. The more times I do this the more incentive they have to work it out.

As for the kids trying to rile your son up? They would be cleaning extra and losing a lot of privileges. I cannot stand kids like that.
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Old 07-07-2020, 06:01 AM
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Have you talked with their parents about how their children admit to repeatedly antagonising because they enjoy it? Your son needs a safe place, usually that would be home. Is there a place he can walk away to?

For the squabbling siblings, if they can't play well together, then they play apart. Consider separating them for an entire week, up to two weeks.
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Old 07-07-2020, 06:30 AM
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I would also separate the siblings. Your son needs to feel safe at home, but this is your job .I would talk to your son and let him go to another room if needed. The other children need to be taught to be kind. Either a "good chart" with rewards for days they are nice ,or timeouts when not. Also I had a running space outdoors where they were timed on their speed or endurance. Sometimes they need more physical activity and goals.
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Old 07-07-2020, 06:53 AM
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Friends of mine or not I’d never agree to keep two SA kids that are physically aggressive with each other.

I’m actually kinda shocked so many providers are willing to care for kids that behave this way. Especially outside of their home environment.

If I was a daycare client with younger kids I’d be extremely concerned about this conduct happening in the presence of my child.

As a parent I’d be mortified if my child behaved like that in someone else’s home/program.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this issue but my advice would be to seriously consider terming one or both of your friends children.
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Old 07-08-2020, 08:23 AM
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I think arguing is actually OK to an extent-it teaches them to use their voice and stand up for themselves. But follow the rules of being respectful (no put downs, yelling, hitting). I used to tell staff it may look like I am ignoring or not listening, but I am listening to see if and how they solve their problem before I intervene. I also told them to give arguments a moment to see if they can be self reliant over adult intervention. Here are some things I do:
*back and forth* are you getting anywhere? Use your words.
"He started it" -ok then you end it
"Let me handle one problem. Follow the Kelso Wheel for problem solving-pick 2. You retaliate, now I am solving your problem not theirs."

Also sometimes figuring out each point of views and using my words to convey the thoughts help with their communication to each other to understand each other.


OP-what do you do for your son? My daughter has major emotional issues. 7 years old, multiple violent tantrums a day-makes childcare hard.
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Old 07-08-2020, 09:55 PM
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I let my own older kids have different privileges and I refuse to feel bad about it. My daughter (6) had some SPD that she worked through and has pretty much no meltdowns ever anymore. What's working for us this summer is our art room. She is obsessed with art and very creative. She and my niece (also 6) go to the art room pretty much whenever they want... Especially when the bickering starts with all of the kids being together. It really helps for them to separate and my daughter feels confident, comfortable, and happy in HER entire home. She plays with the group when she feels like it. Her 3.5 year old brother has similar privileges but obviously I have to keep closer tabs on his activities and whereabouts. I often find him down with the girls gluing googly eyes like a pro seriously think separation and a little bit of special treatment is the ticket. The dcks know she gets to do her own thing.
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Old 07-08-2020, 09:59 PM
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Also, my 2 own kids fight sometimes. I say in a super chipper tone " you guys must be getting tired! Is it nap time? It must be close if you're getting cranky!" They always yell "NO" and immediately stop fighting.
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Old 07-10-2020, 10:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mariposa View Post
I think arguing is actually OK to an extent-it teaches them to use their voice and stand up for themselves. But follow the rules of being respectful (no put downs, yelling, hitting). I used to tell staff it may look like I am ignoring or not listening, but I am listening to see if and how they solve their problem before I intervene. I also told them to give arguments a moment to see if they can be self reliant over adult intervention. Here are some things I do:
*back and forth* are you getting anywhere? Use your words.
"He started it" -ok then you end it
"Let me handle one problem. Follow the Kelso Wheel for problem solving-pick 2. You retaliate, now I am solving your problem not theirs."

Also sometimes figuring out each point of views and using my words to convey the thoughts help with their communication to each other to understand each other.


OP-what do you do for your son? My daughter has major emotional issues. 7 years old, multiple violent tantrums a day-makes childcare hard.
For my son we try to incorporate sensory diet. Pressure works well for him so weighted blanket, wall push ups, animal walks, tight hugs, etc. When he feels himself escalate we turn to these for their calming ability. Also work to provide calm areas free of distraction for him. I just created a reading nook outside where he can chill alone.
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