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Old 09-11-2017, 08:24 PM
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Default New Family, Discipline Issues

This kind of goes along with the Mollescum post as it is the same child, though it is unrelated to the skin issue.

How would you handle a child that has been in your care for a day and when faced with having to go to time out for something, or asked to do something he doesn't want to do, such as cleaning up toys he is done with playing with, he tells me "no", flat out, and when I go get him to bring him back to the toys to be picked up, he runs away...repeatedly.

He completely runs the show at home, as mom admits, because she doesn't want to "fight the battle". I have noticed that he has zero self-help skills and cannot put on his own shoes or coat. We were getting ready to leave for school today and I asked him to get on his shoes and he says "I don't know how" or "I can't". Mom said he needed help with his pants in the bathroom, but as I coached him through it, he did it but dramatically panted like it was so hard, but it can be done.

At pick up, DCB threw a fit because he wanted to be outside playing. Dad just stood there like he had no idea what to do. It wasn't even so much of a "lingering to hear about the details of the day" because I had already given that info, it was more of a quiet dad standing there having no clue what to do, almost as if waiting for me to give in or something.



I just wonder if the issues I am having, with regards to him not respecting my rules or myself, are going to get worse rather than better in time with the lack of boundaries at home.

He went to time out a few times for not listening, but he had no idea what to do....he could not understand why he was in timeout after he counted to 10....is that a thing?! Anyway, I did not mention these issues that got him to time out at pick up though I am wondering if I should bring them up tomorrow. I know all kids say no, but it just seems odd to me because he just met me, if that makes sense.
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Old 09-12-2017, 03:38 AM
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How old is the child? If he's only been there a day I wouldn't expect Any child to already learn your rules , expectations and boundaries.

It takes time, patience and consistency. I would just keep being consistent with what you are doing and he will understand what gets his positive feedback and what does not. Don't forget to affirm what he does well. This will help create the desire for always wanting positive attention and results.

Also, i never mention silly kid stuff to parents unless I can't get it under control. I would expect for it to take a child on average about a full month to settle in. Research says it take 20-30 times of consistency to get desired results.

In the start build a connection with him and do your best to earn each other's trust. The more you build a connection the more you get to understand each other. Children are just little people who we get the privilege of helping to shape their future.

I always think of new kids kind of like stray cats. Be patient, understanding, move slowly, we are new and big to every child and hold your hand out without expectation. Eventually they will come to you.
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Old 09-12-2017, 03:49 AM
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He's testing you big time. When dcd doesn't know what to do, just speak up and say 'ok, little Timmy, I bet dad would love to spend time with you now and you can come back here tomorrow. Let's take our backpack and go home with dad now." Just move him in the direction you want him(them) to go. If everybody's standing around wondering what to do, Timmy will of course be confused and test limits/create havoc.

As far as TO I don't believe in it as a general rule and I'm pretty sure my state frowns upon it. I've had to use 'let's take a break' but it's only been for physical infractions; I'll have the hitter/biter/etc. sit down right where we're at, while I tend to the victim and make sure they're okay. Then I'll have to biter/hitter get a cold wet washcloth with me, and see if victim is okay, give a hug.
Otherwise, it's consequences and praise here. Throw sand...outta the sandbox. Throw toys...lose those toys. Don't wanna pick up? Here, let me help and we can sing a song or play beat the timer. Downsizing your cache of toys might be an option until they learn to care for them better.
BlackCat gave some good advice when she said to praise the ones who are listening and doing a good job, ignore the ones who aren't. Hopefully the non-helpers will want praise and recognition also and step up to the plate.

HTH Kids can be so sweet and fun but then.....
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Old 09-13-2017, 06:27 PM
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I have no problem getting teaching a child to obey rules, but if parents just won't get on board enough, sometimes it ends up being really aggravating.

I've had parents who came around and stepped up and adjusted their own parenting and things ended up going great. And then there are a few who just never seem to want to bother with consistency.

Hopefully these parents just don't really know how to parent and will pick up some tips from you so the child gets some consistency. Mom's idea of "fighting the battle" might be yelling that gets her no where. So of course she wouldn't want to do that. But maybe she'll be more willing to give guidance that works better when she learns how.

But yeah, give him a month.
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Old 09-13-2017, 07:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom2Two View Post
I have no problem getting teaching a child to obey rules, but if parents just won't get on board enough, sometimes it ends up being really aggravating.

I've had parents who came around and stepped up and adjusted their own parenting and things ended up going great. And then there are a few who just never seem to want to bother with consistency.

Hopefully these parents just don't really know how to parent and will pick up some tips from you so the child gets some consistency. Mom's idea of "fighting the battle" might be yelling that gets her no where. So of course she wouldn't want to do that. But maybe she'll be more willing to give guidance that works better when she learns how.

But yeah, give him a month.
I termed. He had molluscum and would say no and run away to washing his hands (among other things). His parents also brought him in and did not disclose that he had exposed lesions that they knew about.


However, I do appreciate the replies and perspective. It was definitely a first for me to have a new enrollee, or any DC child for that matter just straight out say no or behave this way. They may not always want to do what I ask but they certainly don't think they run the show. All in all, I am glad it is over.
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