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Old 09-14-2017, 07:47 AM
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Default Need Some Suggestions

Over the summer I took a drop in 3 year old dcb. He is a really good little guy, very happy and fits in with rest if the dcks, expect for the 4 year old dcg. He was here last Friday and when she found out he was coming she cried on and off all day Thursday. Friday dcm kept her home. He was also here on Monday and she came in crying and throwing a fit. I choose to ignore her and after 20 minutes she settled down. I think dcb can sense she doesn't like him and never goes near her or tries to play with her. Dcm has asking me how we can help her cope with this and I really don't have and answer.
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Old 09-14-2017, 07:49 AM
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I have never heard of this in kids before. they are 3 and 4?

I always find ways to help children connect. what do they have in common?

I also don't think dcm is helping by letting the child stay home to avoid this child. that sends the worng message if you ask me
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Old 09-14-2017, 07:58 AM
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I have never heard of this in kids before. they are 3 and 4?

I always find ways to help children connect. what do they have in common?

I also don't think dcm is helping by letting the child stay home to avoid this child. that sends the worng message if you ask me
I have never had one like this before either. I think dcm helped create the problem when she kept her home a couple of times when he's been here. I told dcm dcb doesn't even try to play with her or go by her. Dcm says that dcg says it's because he's a boy but I have other boys here and she doesn't do it to them.

Last edited by Blackcat31; 09-14-2017 at 08:23 AM.
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Old 09-14-2017, 08:30 AM
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Originally Posted by morgan24 View Post
Over the summer I took a drop in 3 year old dcb. He is a really good little guy, very happy and fits in with rest if the dcks, expect for the 4 year old dcg. He was here last Friday and when she found out he was coming she cried on and off all day Thursday. Friday dcm kept her home. He was also here on Monday and she came in crying and throwing a fit. I choose to ignore her and after 20 minutes she settled down. I think dcb can sense she doesn't like him and never goes near her or tries to play with her. Dcm has asking me how we can help her cope with this and I really don't have and answer.
Why do they have to connect?
I don't like everyone. Politeness and respect is still required but I don't have to spend time with someone I don't like.

Daycare girl should have that option as well.

If she'd rather not interact with him and your set up allows for that, let them be.

As for mom asking about it, I'd just reassure her and DCG that she doesn't HAVE to play with DCB. She has to be respectful about it and participate with everyone as a group when you have group activities but as for solo play or social play, give her the option of not having to play with him.

One of my earliest memories (social in regards to peers) is from Nursery School when I was 4. There was this other girl there that I just didn't like. I don't know why as I didn't know her but something made me decide I didn't like her. The teacher MADE me play with her because "we are all friends.."

I wasn't mean. I just didn't want to be this girls friend. I have NO idea why. I just knew I didn't. I was forced to be her friend anyways.

It made an impact. I felt resentful. I felt as if my feelings and instincts weren't respected or validated.

I won't and don't ever make any of my daycare kids play with each other. The only rules are being respectful when declining. No rude or mean talk. Just the option to be honest while still being able to make choices about yourself and the peers you choose to interact with.
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Old 09-14-2017, 08:40 AM
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Why do they have to connect?
I don't like everyone. Politeness and respect is still required but I don't have to spend time with someone I don't like.

Daycare girl should have that option as well.

If she'd rather not interact with him and your set up allows for that, let them be.

As for mom asking about it, I'd just reassure her and DCG that she doesn't HAVE to play with DCB. She has to be respectful about it and participate with everyone as a group when you have group activities but as for solo play or social play, give her the option of not having to play with him.

One of my earliest memories (social in regards to peers) is from Nursery School when I was 4. There was this other girl there that I just didn't like. I don't know why as I didn't know her but something made me decide I didn't like her. The teacher MADE me play with her because "we are all friends.."

I wasn't mean. I just didn't want to be this girls friend. I have NO idea why. I just knew I didn't. I was forced to be her friend anyways.

It made an impact. I felt resentful. I felt as if my feelings and instincts weren't respected or validated.

I won't and don't ever make any of my daycare kids play with each other. The only rules are being respectful when declining. No rude or mean talk. Just the option to be honest while still being able to make choices about yourself and the peers you choose to interact with.
That is what I told dcg. She doesn't have to play with him but she can't be rude. Dcm acted like I should have a better way to help her cope with him being here. Thanks for reaffirming that was an okay response.
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Old 09-14-2017, 08:43 AM
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That is what I told dcg. She doesn't have to play with him but she can't be rude. Dcm acted like I should have a better way to help her cope with him being here. Thanks for reaffirming that was an okay response.
....because parents think they, you, adults etc should have to FIX everything for kids.

Not every childhood situation requires a FIX.
Sometimes it just requires some support and validation for how they (child/children) are feeling as they work through social-emotional issues on their own.

Figuring that stuff on your own promotes independent growth in that area.

Fixing it for them only creates dependence on someone else to "fix" or address their issues.
....which leads to having ZERO coping skills.
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Old 09-14-2017, 08:53 AM
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....because parents think they, you, adults etc should have to FIX everything for kids.

Not every childhood situation requires a FIX.
Sometimes it just requires some support and validation for how they (child/children) are feeling as they work through social-emotional issues on their own.

Figuring that stuff on your own promotes independent growth in that area.

Fixing it for them only creates dependence on someone else to "fix" or address their issues.
....which leads to having ZERO coping skills.
This dcg is in for a shock when she goes to school. Her and her brother are very dependent on their parents to fix everything they don't like. Dcm didn't send her to preschool because she thought it would be to chaotic for her.

From reading your posts I think we are very similar in the way we do things. Thanks!
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Old 09-14-2017, 09:25 AM
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I don't think they HAVE to connect, but it's worth a shot if you haven't already tried. I had a child for awhile most of the kids disliked. My rule was you don't have to play with him but you do have to be nice to him. I eventually let the good go. I felt bad he was always so disconnected from the rest of the group. I found out later he was on the spectrum.

This child is going to suffer in school. Poor kid

I would tell dcm that she needs to teach her ow to co-exists with others no matter how she feels about them. What is the child going to do if this is what mom is teaching her when she's goes to school and later work. Is she going to leave every school and job ?

if mom didn't get on board I would let them go.
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Old 09-14-2017, 09:50 AM
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I don't think they HAVE to connect, but it's worth a shot if you haven't already tried. I had a child for awhile most of the kids disliked. My rule was you don't have to play with him but you do have to be nice to him. I eventually let the good go. I felt bad he was always so disconnected from the rest of the group. I found out later he was on the spectrum.

This child is going to suffer in school. Poor kid

I would tell dcm that she needs to teach her ow to co-exists with others no matter how she feels about them. What is the child going to do if this is what mom is teaching her when she's goes to school and later work. Is she going to leave every school and job ?

if mom didn't get on board I would let them go.
I wouldn't tell dcm that she needs to teach her how to co-exists with others because I feel like that is telling her how to parent and I feel like that is none of my business. I'm only concerned with her behavior when she's here. I only need dcm to understand that being rude to dcb is not acceptable.
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Old 09-14-2017, 10:03 AM
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All part of socialization mom! Kids don't like other kids some days, love them the next and on it goes. Making a big deal about it the problem not the kid hating the other one. Tell mom she needs to back off as it is a normal part of life and dcg needs to learn to deal with her feelings, which are normal.

I had a DCM express concern because her kid seemed anxious about a certain boy. I explained the personality clashes between the two and how it was a great learning opportunity for dcg. She seemed to really appreciate it!
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Old 09-14-2017, 10:39 AM
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I wouldn't tell dcm that she needs to teach her how to co-exists with others because I feel like that is telling her how to parent and I feel like that is none of my business. I'm only concerned with her behavior when she's here. I only need dcm to understand that being rude to dcb is not acceptable.
True. I would use the words we need to partner together
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Old 09-14-2017, 10:50 AM
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I wouldn't tell dcm that she needs to teach her how to co-exists with others because I feel like that is telling her how to parent and I feel like that is none of my business. I'm only concerned with her behavior when she's here. I only need dcm to understand that being rude to dcb is not acceptable.
No, tell her that is what YOU are teaching her as part of sociliazation.
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Old 09-14-2017, 10:53 AM
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Sorry wanted to add that it's not telling her how to parent. But mom is really adding to the issue by letting the child stay home instead of coping with it. Like BC said she needs to learn coping skills. If mom doesn't partner with you the situation will never improve.
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Old 09-14-2017, 12:00 PM
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Sometimes people don't mesh well with others. It is what it is. If DCB isn't doing anything to her like annoying her on purpose, fighting, arguing with her, taking toys etc then she probably just doesn't like him and doesn't know how to deal with it.

Maybe on a day when DCB isn't there you can do a special on-on-one activity with her so you can chit chat with her about it. For me play-dough seems to work because ... play-dough ... what kid doesn't like it and it distracts them while they talk. Play a little bit with her while you guys do something she likes to do that's stationary and bring it up.
You: "SO yesterday Johnny cam to DC" (pause for her reaction, body language etc)
You: "I noticed that you cried when he walked in. That made me sad, I was worried about you. How does it make you feel when he comes?" etc.
Keep it simple. Maybe she'll tell you why she doesn't like him and you can do something to help.
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Old 09-14-2017, 12:23 PM
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If I stayed home every time I was supposed to spend the day in the same room with somebody I disliked, I'd've ended up skipping every class and office work day. . . ever.

Unless the boy is actively picking on the girl, I don't understand why the mom would keep her home.
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Old 09-14-2017, 02:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
Why do they have to connect?
I don't like everyone. Politeness and respect is still required but I don't have to spend time with someone I don't like.

Daycare girl should have that option as well.

If she'd rather not interact with him and your set up allows for that, let them be.

As for mom asking about it, I'd just reassure her and DCG that she doesn't HAVE to play with DCB. She has to be respectful about it and participate with everyone as a group when you have group activities but as for solo play or social play, give her the option of not having to play with him.

One of my earliest memories (social in regards to peers) is from Nursery School when I was 4. There was this other girl there that I just didn't like. I don't know why as I didn't know her but something made me decide I didn't like her. The teacher MADE me play with her because "we are all friends.."

I wasn't mean. I just didn't want to be this girls friend. I have NO idea why. I just knew I didn't. I was forced to be her friend anyways.

It made an impact. I felt resentful. I felt as if my feelings and instincts weren't respected or validated.

I won't and don't ever make any of my daycare kids play with each other. The only rules are being respectful when declining. No rude or mean talk. Just the option to be honest while still being able to make choices about yourself and the peers you choose to interact with.


"dcm I think it's GREAT dcg doesn't like dcb! There will be a great many people she will not like throughout her life but this is a wonderful opportunity for her to learn to be kind and respectful of everyone, even those she doesn't want to be friends with."

That's verbatim what I said to a dcd when dcg complained about dcb.
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