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Indoorvoice 04:57 PM 10-11-2015
When this dcf first started, they visited my home together and I was under the impression they were together. 2 weeks later, dcm came by to drop off paperwork the day before they started and she informed me they were going through a divorce, it was messy, he was dangerous, and not to pick up the dcg from my home (of course I explained I couldn't do that). Anyway, things have been very good and dcg is wonderful. I noticed lately that she she still refers to him as her husband, dcg talks about eating meals with both parents, and dcm sometimes picks up with the dcd's car. Then last week they picked up dcg together 2 times. It appears they're back together but she hasn't said anything to me. Is this my business? Is there any reason I should ask her about it, or should I just leave it alone and let her tell me when she's ready? Only her name is on the contract.
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NoMoreJuice! 05:16 PM 10-11-2015
Same scenario happened when I enrolled two kiddos about two years ago... dad enrolled them as a single parent, then about three months after they started, mom started coming to get kids with him. The first time caught me off guard, and I asked them "So is everything good now?" and they replied "Yep, we're good!" and we all dropped it. I've never asked a single question, nor have they volunteered any information. And we've existed for almost two years like that. So no, I don't think it's necessary to get any facts: just make sure the kids are being taken care of.
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littletots 06:29 PM 10-11-2015
I had three DCFs over the years talk about divorce then drop it & go on as usual. Marriage, raising young children, working, housework can be stressful to most. I'm sure it was just a hiccup.
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childcaremom 02:16 AM 10-12-2015
Originally Posted by Indoorvoice:
When this dcf first started, they visited my home together and I was under the impression they were together. 2 weeks later, dcm came by to drop off paperwork the day before they started and she informed me they were going through a divorce, it was messy, he was dangerous, and not to pick up the dcg from my home (of course I explained I couldn't do that). Anyway, things have been very good and dcg is wonderful. I noticed lately that she she still refers to him as her husband, dcg talks about eating meals with both parents, and dcm sometimes picks up with the dcd's car. Then last week they picked up dcg together 2 times. It appears they're back together but she hasn't said anything to me. Is this my business? Is there any reason I should ask her about it, or should I just leave it alone and let her tell me when she's ready? Only her name is on the contract.
That sticks out to me. He is dangerous but now you are with him again? What the what?

I can see both sides to this. No, it's not my business. But if the child is upset and talking about it here then I would feel better knowing what was going on so that I could support the child here. Maybe I could provide adequate support just by listening, without needing details? I don't know.

I think my main concern would be that I had accurate and current addresses and contact numbers for each parent in case of emergency.

I had one family that interviewed together, etc. A few weeks in dcg started talking about going to dad's house, spending a weekend with mom, mommy going on dates, etc. I was super confused, they had just moved so I thought dcg was confused. I ended up terming this family for a host of reasons but would have felt better knowing what was going on so that when dcg was talking about it, I could have supported her talking it out in a positive way.

And as a parent, as hard as it would be, I would be telling my provider so that she could make me aware if my children were having a rough time processing it or acting out in any way. Maybe that's just me.
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Josiegirl 02:52 AM 10-12-2015
Dcd is dangerous and she didn't want you to let him pick up?? I feel somehow those issues need to be addressed, for your safety and the safety of everyone in your home. If those 2 elements hadn't been mentioned I wouldn't have given it a 2nd thought.
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Indoorvoice 05:44 AM 10-12-2015
Yeah I'm a little concerned about safety too! She told me he was "retired" military with PTSD and wasn't able to handle both of their kids without blowing up. I put retired in quotes because I don't know how that works in the military. He is maybe early 30's at the most and I got the impression he was discharged. They're apparently on vacation together this week, as grandma dropped off this morning and told me. I don't know, I guess I would just like to know if I should be concerned if he comes to pick up by himself. Obviously I can't keep his child from him, but with the info dcm gave me when they started, I would probably call dcm if dcd came to give her a heads up. It just seems awkward to bring up. I wish she would just tell me!
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Blackcat31 06:12 AM 10-12-2015
Personally I wouldn't involve myself it any of it what so ever.

I've been told some crazy things about a DCM or DCD by the opposite parent during a fight or temporary break up etc and honestly I just don't have it in me to do anything but follow my contract and state rules which require paperwork in order for me to deny one parent access to the child.

If they want to spend their time as an "on again-off again" couple, I don't want to be any more involved than I have to be.

As for DCD "potentially" being dangerous. Trust your instincts.

The info is only "concerning" because DCM said it. If you haven't seen anything to indicate that you should be on guard I would honestly not stress about it. Imagine how many things about a parent we don't know. kwim?

DCM could have said he was an axe murderer and it doesn't necessarily make it true.

In this business I think you HAVE to trust your instincts and what YOU know to be true, and although I would take a cautionary approach to the whole situation I wouldn't believe one bit of it unless I saw it myself or "felt" something was off.
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Blackcat31 06:21 AM 10-12-2015
Originally Posted by Indoorvoice:
Yeah I'm a little concerned about safety too! She told me he was "retired" military with PTSD and wasn't able to handle both of their kids without blowing up. I put retired in quotes because I don't know how that works in the military. He is maybe early 30's at the most and I got the impression he was discharged. They're apparently on vacation together this week, as grandma dropped off this morning and told me. I don't know, I guess I would just like to know if I should be concerned if he comes to pick up by himself. Obviously I can't keep his child from him, but with the info dcm gave me when they started, I would probably call dcm if dcd came to give her a heads up. It just seems awkward to bring up. I wish she would just tell me!
...if you are truly worried, I would simply ask DCM about her statements outright.

"DCM, based on what you told me about DCD can I ask why it is you are bringing him to my home to pick up/drop off DCG? In light of what you said I would think that you would have informed me if you two were amicably co-parenting."
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Ariana 12:20 PM 10-13-2015
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Personally I wouldn't involve myself it any of it what so ever.

I've been told some crazy things about a DCM or DCD by the opposite parent during a fight or temporary break up etc and honestly I just don't have it in me to do anything but follow my contract and state rules which require paperwork in order for me to deny one parent access to the child.

If they want to spend their time as an "on again-off again" couple, I don't want to be any more involved than I have to be.

As for DCD "potentially" being dangerous. Trust your instincts.

The info is only "concerning" because DCM said it. If you haven't seen anything to indicate that you should be on guard I would honestly not stress about it. Imagine how many things about a parent we don't know. kwim?

DCM could have said he was an axe murderer and it doesn't necessarily make it true.

In this business I think you HAVE to trust your instincts and what YOU know to be true, and although I would take a cautionary approach to the whole situation I wouldn't believe one bit of it unless I saw it myself or "felt" something was off.
Totally agree with this advice. Stay out of it. I had a family go through a divorce and the mom was always saying things about the dad. When they actually got a divorce I quickly realized that he was the better parent even though before I got the impression he was a dead beat. Don't trust anyone and go with your gut. A divorce only concerns you when it comes to custody arrangements and communication.
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littletots 01:38 PM 10-13-2015
Some DCp tend to be over dramatic. If she's back w him I'm guessing it was one of moments. If he is diagnosed w PTSD then he's getting help. Unfortunately, some military and non military patents alike don't know how to handle family stress.
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originalkat 10:55 AM 10-14-2015
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Personally I wouldn't involve myself it any of it what so ever.

I've been told some crazy things about a DCM or DCD by the opposite parent during a fight or temporary break up etc and honestly I just don't have it in me to do anything but follow my contract and state rules which require paperwork in order for me to deny one parent access to the child.

If they want to spend their time as an "on again-off again" couple, I don't want to be any more involved than I have to be.

As for DCD "potentially" being dangerous. Trust your instincts.

The info is only "concerning" because DCM said it. If you haven't seen anything to indicate that you should be on guard I would honestly not stress about it. Imagine how many things about a parent we don't know. kwim?

DCM could have said he was an axe murderer and it doesn't necessarily make it true.

In this business I think you HAVE to trust your instincts and what YOU know to be true, and although I would take a cautionary approach to the whole situation I wouldn't believe one bit of it unless I saw it myself or "felt" something was off.
I totally agree with this!
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mommiebookworm 12:51 PM 10-14-2015
I have a family currently that are living in the same house, but are not together. I only know this because one of her coworkers told me. I stay out of it.
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Indoorvoice 02:50 PM 10-14-2015
Thank you all! Definitely going to stay out of it as he hasn't acted out of control or dangerous in my presence. Though I have to admit, I do get caught up in the drama of my daycare families sometimes. It's so hard not to! They're is always something juicy going on it seems.
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