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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Resentful Toward DH for His "Easy Job"?? How to Deal with the Daily Grind?
SunshineMama 06:01 AM 03-22-2012
Oh man, poor DH!
I woke up early this morning, like every morning, and kind of went off on him today about everything that bothered me. I feel like I have to do all of the house maintenence, all of the daily chores, work 11-12 hour days, and take care of our children too. I was too exhausted last night to even put DD to bed, and she was up until 10:30pm last night (the first time in her life) until DH came home from basketball. I just feel ike I am working 100 full time jobs, with no time for myself. No sick days, no lunch breaks... I feel very stressed and over-worked, underpaid, and very under appreciated. THEN DH said, "fine, let's switch." Which made me even more mad because even if I worked outside the home and he stayed with the kids- the house would be a wreck and he wouldnt do childcare so we wouldnt have any money. RRRRR!
Do any of you ever feel resentment toward your dh at any point in time?
Yesterday was an awful childcare day and I dont see it getting any better with my twin preschool screamers!
I am very good at my job and take excellent care of the kids, but I am burning out fast. I dont know what else to do.
I set too high of expectations on myself to get business at a good fee. I am doing everything I said I would but I am getting burned out. I can't renege on what I told them I would do for the kids- thats why they signed up with me.
But I cant sustain my output level and I am burning the candle at both ends. And now I am resentful to DH for his "alone time" he gets during his 1 hour commute to and from work, and his lunch break, and that he works 15 hours less per week than I do but I still do more at home.
How do you cope with all of the above?
Something has to give!
I woke up early this morning, like every morning, and kind of went off on him today about everything that bothered me. I feel like I have to do all of the house maintenence, all of the daily chores, work 11-12 hour days, and take care of our children too. I was too exhausted last night to even put DD to bed, and she was up until 10:30pm last night (the first time in her life) until DH came home from basketball. I just feel ike I am working 100 full time jobs, with no time for myself. No sick days, no lunch breaks... I feel very stressed and over-worked, underpaid, and very under appreciated. THEN DH said, "fine, let's switch." Which made me even more mad because even if I worked outside the home and he stayed with the kids- the house would be a wreck and he wouldnt do childcare so we wouldnt have any money. RRRRR!
Do any of you ever feel resentment toward your dh at any point in time?
Yesterday was an awful childcare day and I dont see it getting any better with my twin preschool screamers!
I am very good at my job and take excellent care of the kids, but I am burning out fast. I dont know what else to do.
I set too high of expectations on myself to get business at a good fee. I am doing everything I said I would but I am getting burned out. I can't renege on what I told them I would do for the kids- thats why they signed up with me.
But I cant sustain my output level and I am burning the candle at both ends. And now I am resentful to DH for his "alone time" he gets during his 1 hour commute to and from work, and his lunch break, and that he works 15 hours less per week than I do but I still do more at home.
How do you cope with all of the above?
Something has to give!
nannyde 06:17 AM 03-22-2012
Why is your DH playing basketball when you are working twelve hour days? How many hours does he work a day?
He needs to get home right away and take over the care of his kids and his house. He needs to hit the floor running when he walks in the door and get to getting housework and child care done so you both can have some family time once the kids are gone. He needs to keep working until ALL the household work is done and the kids are done for the night. Then he can go play.
Are you guys evenly dviding the kitchen, vaccum, laundry, child care etc? Remember the housework and the care of his children is his JOB. When he does his job he's not helping you... he's doing his job.
He needs to get home right away and take over the care of his kids and his house. He needs to hit the floor running when he walks in the door and get to getting housework and child care done so you both can have some family time once the kids are gone. He needs to keep working until ALL the household work is done and the kids are done for the night. Then he can go play.
Are you guys evenly dviding the kitchen, vaccum, laundry, child care etc? Remember the housework and the care of his children is his JOB. When he does his job he's not helping you... he's doing his job.
SunshineMama 06:26 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Why is your DH playing basketball when you are working twelve hour days? How many hours does he work a day?
He needs to get home right away and take over the care of his kids and his house. He needs to hit the floor running when he walks in the door and get to getting housework and child care done so you both can have some family time once the kids are gone. He needs to keep working until ALL the household work is done and the kids are done for the night. Then he can go play.
Are you guys evenly dviding the kitchen, vaccum, laundry, child care etc? Remember the housework and the care of his children is his JOB. When he does his job he's not helping you... he's doing his job.
My thoughts exactly! It still doesnt excuse my behavior this morning of going off, but the stress is just killing me. We are going to have to come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. I feel like I am talking until I am blue in the face.Why is your DH playing basketball when you are working twelve hour days? How many hours does he work a day?
He needs to get home right away and take over the care of his kids and his house. He needs to hit the floor running when he walks in the door and get to getting housework and child care done so you both can have some family time once the kids are gone. He needs to keep working until ALL the household work is done and the kids are done for the night. Then he can go play.
Are you guys evenly dviding the kitchen, vaccum, laundry, child care etc? Remember the housework and the care of his children is his JOB. When he does his job he's not helping you... he's doing his job.
He will help out if I nag him enough, but then I feel like he is a dck and I have to sing the clean up song and put him in charge of each activity. I am not speaking husbandese correctly to get him to do his fair share. All he sees is that I get to be home all day, play outside, etc, and he is unable to comprehend the mental and physical exhaustion of childcare. I dont know how to make him understand :/
wdmmom 06:33 AM 03-22-2012
Nan is right again!
I am very envious that my husband only works 35 hours a week and gets paid a hefty full time salary. What I wouldnt give to have a cush job like his.
But...he gets home everyday right before the kids get home from school. He then unloads the dishwasher or loads it, keeps the kids entertained, helps with homework or is taking them outside to keep them out of my hair. He usually helps with making dinner too.
Later on, even after I'm done working, he helps put the kitchen back together, will fold laundry, etc. I try to keep up on everything and sometimes I'm successful. Other times I'm not. When I need help, I simply need to ask.
Sounds to me like your husband is yet another classic case of narrow-minded-ness. Just because you are home does NOT mean you aren't working! He needs to pick up the slack! His arms aren't broken! The next time he complains the floor is dirty, wheel him in the vacuum. Next time the dishes arent done, give him a dishrag. The next time he runs his mouth, remind him that this isn't the 60s and housework isn't just a woman's job!
I am very envious that my husband only works 35 hours a week and gets paid a hefty full time salary. What I wouldnt give to have a cush job like his.
But...he gets home everyday right before the kids get home from school. He then unloads the dishwasher or loads it, keeps the kids entertained, helps with homework or is taking them outside to keep them out of my hair. He usually helps with making dinner too.
Later on, even after I'm done working, he helps put the kitchen back together, will fold laundry, etc. I try to keep up on everything and sometimes I'm successful. Other times I'm not. When I need help, I simply need to ask.
Sounds to me like your husband is yet another classic case of narrow-minded-ness. Just because you are home does NOT mean you aren't working! He needs to pick up the slack! His arms aren't broken! The next time he complains the floor is dirty, wheel him in the vacuum. Next time the dishes arent done, give him a dishrag. The next time he runs his mouth, remind him that this isn't the 60s and housework isn't just a woman's job!
Meeko 06:39 AM 03-22-2012
Time for a serious heart to heart with hubby. Not a few comments before bed, or before he leaves for work. Set aside some evening time (I know it's hard!) when you can be alone. Get a sitter and go to dinner or a drive or something and talk about priorities and what your wants and needs are. Let him know this is serious and you need his help.
My day care is in a separate house...I leave home at 5AM and some days I don't get home until 6:30PM. There is no way I could do it without my husband. He is the stay at home parent (even though our youngest kids are 17 and 15) During the day he takes care of errands, shopping, dental and doc visits, school functions, taking the girls to and from school, taking care of the dog, and he keeps the house spotless 24/7. He's not a great cook, but will do what he can to make it easy for me to throw dinner together when I get home. He'll defrost stuff, chop veggies etc. I haven't done a lick of laundry in years. We bought a new washer and dryer about 5 years ago and I have only used it about twice! Had to ask hubby for instructions!!!!
It used to be the other way around. I was a stay at home mom with just a few kids. He was full time Air Force and worked long, hard hours. His job often meant being on call and having to get up and go back into work at 3AM etc. I took care of the house, laundry, errands etc.
Then we were in between like many here on the boards......we did day care at home, together. We shared all household chores equally then.
Some husbands don't think about stuff at home. Because their wife takes care of everything and they never see it actually being done, they think it's no big deal. They are not horrible or uncaring...they just don't see the problem. Make him see the problem!
My day care is in a separate house...I leave home at 5AM and some days I don't get home until 6:30PM. There is no way I could do it without my husband. He is the stay at home parent (even though our youngest kids are 17 and 15) During the day he takes care of errands, shopping, dental and doc visits, school functions, taking the girls to and from school, taking care of the dog, and he keeps the house spotless 24/7. He's not a great cook, but will do what he can to make it easy for me to throw dinner together when I get home. He'll defrost stuff, chop veggies etc. I haven't done a lick of laundry in years. We bought a new washer and dryer about 5 years ago and I have only used it about twice! Had to ask hubby for instructions!!!!
It used to be the other way around. I was a stay at home mom with just a few kids. He was full time Air Force and worked long, hard hours. His job often meant being on call and having to get up and go back into work at 3AM etc. I took care of the house, laundry, errands etc.
Then we were in between like many here on the boards......we did day care at home, together. We shared all household chores equally then.
Some husbands don't think about stuff at home. Because their wife takes care of everything and they never see it actually being done, they think it's no big deal. They are not horrible or uncaring...they just don't see the problem. Make him see the problem!
Breezy 06:46 AM 03-22-2012
Preaching to the choir sister! I know exactly how you feel
renodeb 07:28 AM 03-22-2012
My husband works at HomeDepot and sometimes doesnt have to be in until 10 or after so he can sleep in. Im up every morning at 5:30 to get my self ready and get our own kids up. Sometimes I wish I could sleep in until 8 or 9 during the week. But when the weekend roles around I do get to sleep in and he has to work. (in retail working weekends is a must). It does seem to even out some. He also drives the kids to all there appts because I cant really. I guess if I really thought about it Im not getting that bad of a deal. Hubby does help alot with laundry and housework so Im not left with it all.
Do you take much time off? Its sounds like you are going to hit a wall and soon! I find that it is important to get out of the house however you can on the weekends, it really does help. Have some adult conversation. How old are your own kids? My kids are 15 and 9. If there old enough have them help out.
Dont let your husband off so easy. Switch jobs yeah right (not realistic) I think a lot of men dont see all we do in a week. Maybe he needs to help out more at home. JMO.
Anyway you slice it this is a hard job, long hours, few perks.
Debbie
Do you take much time off? Its sounds like you are going to hit a wall and soon! I find that it is important to get out of the house however you can on the weekends, it really does help. Have some adult conversation. How old are your own kids? My kids are 15 and 9. If there old enough have them help out.
Dont let your husband off so easy. Switch jobs yeah right (not realistic) I think a lot of men dont see all we do in a week. Maybe he needs to help out more at home. JMO.
Anyway you slice it this is a hard job, long hours, few perks.
Debbie
Blackcat31 07:36 AM 03-22-2012
I am going to hug my DH tonight (or at lunch today since he comes in every afternoon to help me) because my DH is the exact opposite.
He does EVERYTHING that is needed around the house. He works just as much as I do and happily does chores around the house too. He keeps everything running smoothly outside and has no issues doing laundry or dishes. His mother even taught all 5 of her boys to sew! As a matter of fact, he is the one who makes our bed every day!
He plans and cooks dinner EVERY night so it is ready when I get home. He grocery shops with me and is my partner in every way!
This thread just made me appreciate him that much more!
OP~ wishing I had some good advice for you. All I can offer is that open communication between the two of you is the only thing that is going to help. You two need to sit down and discuss exactly what you both expect from and for each other. Nothing will ever change unless you both make the effort.
He does EVERYTHING that is needed around the house. He works just as much as I do and happily does chores around the house too. He keeps everything running smoothly outside and has no issues doing laundry or dishes. His mother even taught all 5 of her boys to sew! As a matter of fact, he is the one who makes our bed every day!
He plans and cooks dinner EVERY night so it is ready when I get home. He grocery shops with me and is my partner in every way!
This thread just made me appreciate him that much more! OP~ wishing I had some good advice for you. All I can offer is that open communication between the two of you is the only thing that is going to help. You two need to sit down and discuss exactly what you both expect from and for each other. Nothing will ever change unless you both make the effort.
daycare 07:40 AM 03-22-2012
OMG I think I could have written this same post.
Let me start off by telling you my situation. My husband works a job that can be super easy or super stressful, 85% of it is easy peasy. He works 2 part time jobs. BOTH of these jobs allow him to SLEEP all day long, watch tv, play sports, workout, or just chill out and do anything they want. He works rotations on both night to days. He has 3-4 days off every week. My husband is so used to staying up late at night and getting to sleep all day, that he does that at home too, even on his days off. He stays up until 2am playing video games, wakes when he feels like it, then just sits around until someone calls him to hang out. (he is also in medical school right now too)
HE does all of that, while I take care of my business and my entire family and house.
It used to make me angry.
BUT then here is what I decided and got me over it.
I chose my line of work and he chose his. I need to stop keeping score. Yes his is easier than mine.
I also realized that by my actions of continuing to do everything with our house and kids, I was enabling him all of the time, just like his mom did. The more that you show you are capable, the more it will become expected. (sad, but true)
I had one talk with my husband and told him what I needed help with.
Of course that lasted about a week.
SO I STOPPED...and I mean I stopped everything.
I just started doing "ME" and what makes me happy. As soon as he came home from work, I left and did something I wanted to do. I had to let things go. It drove me nuts, but he had to see that it was NOT possible or FAIR for me to have to do everything.
In the end, I found that I was at fault for the reason why my husband is the way he is. Because I have always took care of everything.
Sweetie, you just need to stop doing it all, as well as stop taking score. At then end of the day you can't be mad at him for not being the person that you wish he would be. Instead you have to help him.
Lucky for me, once I stopped doing everything, cleaning, cooking, kids, and etc. He noticed. I also was depressed a little and he noticed that too.
EVERYONE needs to be responsible for their own happiness. DONT ever expect for anyone to do it for you.
I would be ok with my husband going to play basketball, because if he does not have an outlet, then he will become unhappy and over stressed. Then it would affect me too....
A few months back, I drew up a chore chart for my family. On it, it states what each person has to do daily. AND I mean EVERYONE.
Mom, Dad, Teens and little guy all have chores.
Teens rule is you can't go anywhere until homework and chores are done.
My husband and I have to have our stuff done before bed time. Our favorite thing to do it fold laundry in front of the TV with a bottle of wine after the kids have gone to bed.
And lastly, the little guy. He has to do his chore and put his sticker on his chart.
I really hope that all of my words that went all over the place has not confused you. lol Sorry I got pulled away from the computer about a million times.
Let me start off by telling you my situation. My husband works a job that can be super easy or super stressful, 85% of it is easy peasy. He works 2 part time jobs. BOTH of these jobs allow him to SLEEP all day long, watch tv, play sports, workout, or just chill out and do anything they want. He works rotations on both night to days. He has 3-4 days off every week. My husband is so used to staying up late at night and getting to sleep all day, that he does that at home too, even on his days off. He stays up until 2am playing video games, wakes when he feels like it, then just sits around until someone calls him to hang out. (he is also in medical school right now too)
HE does all of that, while I take care of my business and my entire family and house.
It used to make me angry.
BUT then here is what I decided and got me over it.
I chose my line of work and he chose his. I need to stop keeping score. Yes his is easier than mine.
I also realized that by my actions of continuing to do everything with our house and kids, I was enabling him all of the time, just like his mom did. The more that you show you are capable, the more it will become expected. (sad, but true)
I had one talk with my husband and told him what I needed help with.
Of course that lasted about a week.
SO I STOPPED...and I mean I stopped everything.
I just started doing "ME" and what makes me happy. As soon as he came home from work, I left and did something I wanted to do. I had to let things go. It drove me nuts, but he had to see that it was NOT possible or FAIR for me to have to do everything.
In the end, I found that I was at fault for the reason why my husband is the way he is. Because I have always took care of everything.
Sweetie, you just need to stop doing it all, as well as stop taking score. At then end of the day you can't be mad at him for not being the person that you wish he would be. Instead you have to help him.
Lucky for me, once I stopped doing everything, cleaning, cooking, kids, and etc. He noticed. I also was depressed a little and he noticed that too.
EVERYONE needs to be responsible for their own happiness. DONT ever expect for anyone to do it for you.
I would be ok with my husband going to play basketball, because if he does not have an outlet, then he will become unhappy and over stressed. Then it would affect me too....
A few months back, I drew up a chore chart for my family. On it, it states what each person has to do daily. AND I mean EVERYONE.
Mom, Dad, Teens and little guy all have chores.
Teens rule is you can't go anywhere until homework and chores are done.
My husband and I have to have our stuff done before bed time. Our favorite thing to do it fold laundry in front of the TV with a bottle of wine after the kids have gone to bed.
And lastly, the little guy. He has to do his chore and put his sticker on his chart.
I really hope that all of my words that went all over the place has not confused you. lol Sorry I got pulled away from the computer about a million times.
Ariana 07:46 AM 03-22-2012
Hugs to you sister!! It sounds like it's time to stand up for yourself and demand more from your DH. Like Nanny said "why is he playing basketball when you're working 12 hour days"???
Start dividing up the chores. My husband comes home and immediately I get a break. He'll take my DD out or play with her here. He's also on kitchen duty so ALL the dishes from breakfast, lunch and dinner is his responsibility. He also helps me tidy up the play area if I need help. He makes me and DD breakfast every morning! It wasn't always this way but I put my foot down and started demanding more from him. Like most guys he needed daily duties every day. Guys can't just look around and figure it out for themselves usually so it helps to be specific.
Start dividing up the chores. My husband comes home and immediately I get a break. He'll take my DD out or play with her here. He's also on kitchen duty so ALL the dishes from breakfast, lunch and dinner is his responsibility. He also helps me tidy up the play area if I need help. He makes me and DD breakfast every morning! It wasn't always this way but I put my foot down and started demanding more from him. Like most guys he needed daily duties every day. Guys can't just look around and figure it out for themselves usually so it helps to be specific.
Heidi 07:53 AM 03-22-2012
It sounds like your kids are still pretty young. I remember those days! I once had a good cry because my ex-husband could not understand that once in a while, I just needed to have a friggin ice-cream cone by myself!
My friend almost lost her marraige over all this as well. She whined and cried but really did nothing for 5 years, and then finally, one day, she told him how she really felt, and that she was considering leaving. That woke him up, man! He knew it "bothered" her, but she really needed to look him in the eye and say "I need you to be a partner, not another one of the kids". Just bringing in $ does not make you a partner.
Will it always be equal? No. Should you keep a score card? No. But, your dh does need to understand that you need down time too, and that he needs to step up and give you that. Even if one night a week, he TAKES over (not just completing a list of chores, but really taking control). That means dinner, kids, everything. Even if you just go to the nearest Starbucks with your laptop and sit for 3 hours, that's ok. Or, join a book club, a crafting club, or something you are into.
You have to let go of the control though, he may make the kids cereal for dinner, he may order a pizza. It won't kill them for one night a week.
I would also suggest you make sure that you give each other time. My friend is still really nervous about sitters, but it's cost her! She and her DS do nothing together, and she resents it, but she doesn't do anything about it. Even if it's just 2x a month, set aside a little money and go out for dinner, or take a picnic to the park, or go on a bike ride togehter, or mini-golfing, or something. No movies, though, at least rarely. Too expensive and you can't talk, IMO. I officially hate going to movies unless it's something that has to be seen on the "big screen".
One more idea: Ask DH to take a day off of work and be your helper for the day. That means he doesn't go golfing or fishing. He stays and acts as your assistant. One day. Pay him what you get paid (or an estimate). Of course, it doesn't hurt to plan a few more ahem...challenging...activities for that particular day!
My friend almost lost her marraige over all this as well. She whined and cried but really did nothing for 5 years, and then finally, one day, she told him how she really felt, and that she was considering leaving. That woke him up, man! He knew it "bothered" her, but she really needed to look him in the eye and say "I need you to be a partner, not another one of the kids". Just bringing in $ does not make you a partner.
Will it always be equal? No. Should you keep a score card? No. But, your dh does need to understand that you need down time too, and that he needs to step up and give you that. Even if one night a week, he TAKES over (not just completing a list of chores, but really taking control). That means dinner, kids, everything. Even if you just go to the nearest Starbucks with your laptop and sit for 3 hours, that's ok. Or, join a book club, a crafting club, or something you are into.
You have to let go of the control though, he may make the kids cereal for dinner, he may order a pizza. It won't kill them for one night a week.
I would also suggest you make sure that you give each other time. My friend is still really nervous about sitters, but it's cost her! She and her DS do nothing together, and she resents it, but she doesn't do anything about it. Even if it's just 2x a month, set aside a little money and go out for dinner, or take a picnic to the park, or go on a bike ride togehter, or mini-golfing, or something. No movies, though, at least rarely. Too expensive and you can't talk, IMO. I officially hate going to movies unless it's something that has to be seen on the "big screen".
One more idea: Ask DH to take a day off of work and be your helper for the day. That means he doesn't go golfing or fishing. He stays and acts as your assistant. One day. Pay him what you get paid (or an estimate). Of course, it doesn't hurt to plan a few more ahem...challenging...activities for that particular day!
Ariana 07:59 AM 03-22-2012
I will echo bbo's advice!! You definately need to let go of the control. Just because he may not do it the way you would doesn't mean he can't do it. It's important for your kids to see their dad take care of them as well for their emotional and cognitive development. Dad's have SOOOOO much to offer that's different from moms, but sometimes we as moms won't allow them to do that.
nannyde 08:16 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by SunshineMama:
He will help out if I nag him enough
It's not "help". That's where your mindset is off.He will help out if I nag him enough
It's his JOB. He's not "helping" when he cares for his kids and does housework and cooking. He's doing his JOB.
Does he tell his friends that you "help" him care for the kids or "help" him do houswork? Would he EVER say that phrase?
Time for you to tell him that you are going to start dumping day care kids so you can have the time it takes every day to do his JOB. If it means dropping every kid so all you have are your own kids then so be it.
Start dropping the kids that put you into the past nine/ten hours a day hours and go from there.
He is a grown man. He doesn't need coaching or nagging. He needs to learn to do the hard WORK of child care and household duties. You have learned.. so can he. The ploy of begrudgingly doing it incorrectly IS the same tactic that men have been using for decades to get out of their job. He didn't invent it, it's just what works.
cheerfuldom 08:29 AM 03-22-2012
Sounds like he needs a good kick in the arse...this was my exact post about 2 years ago and we were on the verge of divorce. My husband did not get it until he was literally packing a bag when I told him to shape up or ship out....then he got and has been 100% a different person since then. Men don't get nagging...they are simple people. Plan some shock and awe and straight out tell him to get it together. Scale down your daycare kids and your hours and he can work a second job if that is what it takes. Concentrate on you and your kids. My husband has no regular extra things like basketball....hell no....I dont get ANY regular hobbies and there is no way I am watching the kids while he goes and screws around with his friends.
I agree with nan...he knows how to do it right, he's just used to you doing everything and all he has to do is put up with the nagging. If he doesn't know how to do it, he needs to figure it out and stop playing the stupid card.
I agree with nan...he knows how to do it right, he's just used to you doing everything and all he has to do is put up with the nagging. If he doesn't know how to do it, he needs to figure it out and stop playing the stupid card.
daycare 08:38 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
Sounds like he needs a good kick in the arse...this was my exact post about 2 years ago and we were on the verge of divorce. My husband did not get it until he was literally packing a bag when I told him to shape up or ship out....then he got and has been 100% a different person since then. Men don't get nagging...they are simple people. Plan some shock and awe and straight out tell him to get it together. Scale down your daycare kids and your hours and he can work a second job if that is what it takes. Concentrate on you and your kids. My husband has no regular extra things like basketball....hell no....I dont get ANY regular hobbies and there is no way I am watching the kids while he goes and screws around with his friends.
I agree with nan...he knows how to do it right, he's just used to you doing everything and all he has to do is put up with the nagging. If he doesn't know how to do it, he needs to figure it out and stop playing the stupid card.
Sorry...you said that you have no hobbies so your husband can't have any either...Sounds like he needs a good kick in the arse...this was my exact post about 2 years ago and we were on the verge of divorce. My husband did not get it until he was literally packing a bag when I told him to shape up or ship out....then he got and has been 100% a different person since then. Men don't get nagging...they are simple people. Plan some shock and awe and straight out tell him to get it together. Scale down your daycare kids and your hours and he can work a second job if that is what it takes. Concentrate on you and your kids. My husband has no regular extra things like basketball....hell no....I dont get ANY regular hobbies and there is no way I am watching the kids while he goes and screws around with his friends.
I agree with nan...he knows how to do it right, he's just used to you doing everything and all he has to do is put up with the nagging. If he doesn't know how to do it, he needs to figure it out and stop playing the stupid card.
I don't get this...
WHY not?
cheerfuldom 08:40 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by SunshineMama:
My thoughts exactly! It still doesnt excuse my behavior this morning of going off, but the stress is just killing me. We are going to have to come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. I feel like I am talking until I am blue in the face.
He will help out if I nag him enough, but then I feel like he is a dck and I have to sing the clean up song and put him in charge of each activity. I am not speaking husbandese correctly to get him to do his fair share. All he sees is that I get to be home all day, play outside, etc, and he is unable to comprehend the mental and physical exhaustion of childcare. I dont know how to make him understand :/
hey he doesnt have to understand everything in order to do it. there is no way he can understand what you do all day so stop expecting him to. What he can understand is "XYZ is what makes the wife happy and makes the home run smoothly....if I don't do that, then this will happen"....right now his only consequence is you nagging and he doesnt care about that. you have to find what gets his attention. for my hubby, it is money and sex. sorry to put it so bluntly. if I am not happy and taken care of, I scale back on daycare kids (less money) and I dont spend time with him (no sex). This isnt a punishment, its a natural consequence of him not putting in effort into the home and family. this is what gets his attention every time My thoughts exactly! It still doesnt excuse my behavior this morning of going off, but the stress is just killing me. We are going to have to come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. I feel like I am talking until I am blue in the face.
He will help out if I nag him enough, but then I feel like he is a dck and I have to sing the clean up song and put him in charge of each activity. I am not speaking husbandese correctly to get him to do his fair share. All he sees is that I get to be home all day, play outside, etc, and he is unable to comprehend the mental and physical exhaustion of childcare. I dont know how to make him understand :/
cheerfuldom 08:43 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
Sorry...you said that you have no hobbies so your husband can't have any either...
I don't get this...
WHY not?
We have three children under four, I work 50 hours a week, we have family and church commitments, plus commitments to each other. There is not time in there for regular hobbies (outside the home....like basketball every Wed night). We both have priorities and fun time with friends is a luxury, not a regular occurence. I am not working double time so he can have guys night. We do have things we enjoy doing but right now, all of our hobbies we do as a family (camping) or in the home (my husband has a wood shop downstairs)Sorry...you said that you have no hobbies so your husband can't have any either...
I don't get this...
WHY not?
daycare 08:46 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
We have three children under four, I work 50 hours a week, we have family and church commitments, plus commitments to each other. There is not time in there for regular hobbies (outside the home....like basketball every Wed night). We both have priorities and fun time with friends is a luxury, not a regular occurence. I am not working double time so he can have guys night. We do have things we enjoy doing but right now, all of our hobbies we do as a family (camping) or in the home (my husband has a wood shop downstairs)
I don't know how you guys do that, awesome that you can. I have to have ME time. ALONE. lolWe have three children under four, I work 50 hours a week, we have family and church commitments, plus commitments to each other. There is not time in there for regular hobbies (outside the home....like basketball every Wed night). We both have priorities and fun time with friends is a luxury, not a regular occurence. I am not working double time so he can have guys night. We do have things we enjoy doing but right now, all of our hobbies we do as a family (camping) or in the home (my husband has a wood shop downstairs)
I have the gym and I love it. I coach youth sports love that too, I do a lot of my own me and so does he. Then we have our together time as a couple and as a family.
cheerfuldom 08:56 AM 03-22-2012
Oh we have alone time but its just not for huge amounts of time and not at the other spouse's expense. I dont ditch him to go party with my girlfriends either. When we volunteer, we get a sitter and then volunteer as a couple. This is what works for us. I will say though that if something every happened to me, I know for sure that my husband would be 100% in taking over the household and children. He is completely capable with all of it, knows where everything is, knows the routine, knows his kids 100%. I think that is the way it should be.
daycare 08:58 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
Oh we have alone time but its just not for huge amounts of time and not at the other spouse's expense. I dont ditch him to go party with my girlfriends either. When we volunteer, we get a sitter and then volunteer as a couple. This is what works for us. I will say though that if something every happened to me, I know for sure that my husband would be 100% in taking over the household and children. He is completely capable with all of it, knows where everything is, knows the routine, knows his kids 100%. I think that is the way it should be.
wow thats great....I know that mine could not suffice should something happen to me.Oh we have alone time but its just not for huge amounts of time and not at the other spouse's expense. I dont ditch him to go party with my girlfriends either. When we volunteer, we get a sitter and then volunteer as a couple. This is what works for us. I will say though that if something every happened to me, I know for sure that my husband would be 100% in taking over the household and children. He is completely capable with all of it, knows where everything is, knows the routine, knows his kids 100%. I think that is the way it should be.
More than likely he would run home to mommy and daddy. But I am not going to worry about that, when I am dead, there is not too much I can do anymore....
AmyLeigh 09:29 AM 03-22-2012
Be ready for an unpopular response.
When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?
Hmmm???
Don't expect what you don't give. Start appreciating him and he will be able to start appreciating you. He won't understand your feelings. He will understand that you are pissed off at him because you are yelling at him. Then the male ego will shut down and he will feel as if you don't appreciate what he does, so he won't do anything. Men want to be our heros, our rock stars. When you yell at him for all the things he doesn't do, he feels as if he has failed you. Don't nag. Appreciate.
My dh works hard. Twelve hour days, physical work, 1 hour commute amongst idiots who don't understand that a single headlight means a motorcycle. He puts up with a whole load of crap from upper management, works hard to retain customers. Then he comes home to an exhausted wife, 3 crazy kids who cling to him because they only see him for about an hour before bedtime, and sometimes 2 or 3 daycare kiddos who think he is their second dad. All he wants is to eat, have a beer, and sit in front of the TV. But he interacts with all of us, asking about our days, and listening. On weekends he maintains the vehicles, the outside of the house, spends time with the family and takes care of his church responsibilities. Does he do laundry? No. Dishes? Nope. Vaccuum, make the bed, scrub toilets? No way. Those are my responsibilities. I do that. If I want "help", I will earn more money to hire someone else to do it. Me asking him to 'help' with household chores would be the same as him asking me to change the oil in the cars, fix the appliances when they go out, build the fence, earn more money, etc. Not gonna happen.
When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?
Hmmm???
Don't expect what you don't give. Start appreciating him and he will be able to start appreciating you. He won't understand your feelings. He will understand that you are pissed off at him because you are yelling at him. Then the male ego will shut down and he will feel as if you don't appreciate what he does, so he won't do anything. Men want to be our heros, our rock stars. When you yell at him for all the things he doesn't do, he feels as if he has failed you. Don't nag. Appreciate.
My dh works hard. Twelve hour days, physical work, 1 hour commute amongst idiots who don't understand that a single headlight means a motorcycle. He puts up with a whole load of crap from upper management, works hard to retain customers. Then he comes home to an exhausted wife, 3 crazy kids who cling to him because they only see him for about an hour before bedtime, and sometimes 2 or 3 daycare kiddos who think he is their second dad. All he wants is to eat, have a beer, and sit in front of the TV. But he interacts with all of us, asking about our days, and listening. On weekends he maintains the vehicles, the outside of the house, spends time with the family and takes care of his church responsibilities. Does he do laundry? No. Dishes? Nope. Vaccuum, make the bed, scrub toilets? No way. Those are my responsibilities. I do that. If I want "help", I will earn more money to hire someone else to do it. Me asking him to 'help' with household chores would be the same as him asking me to change the oil in the cars, fix the appliances when they go out, build the fence, earn more money, etc. Not gonna happen.
daycare 09:32 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by AmyLeigh:
Be ready for an unpopular response.
When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?
Hmmm???
Don't expect what you don't give. Start appreciating him and he will be able to start appreciating you. He won't understand your feelings. He will understand that you are pissed off at him because you are yelling at him. Then the male ego will shut down and he will feel as if you don't appreciate what he does, so he won't do anything. Men want to be our heros, our rock stars. When you yell at him for all the things he doesn't do, he feels as if he has failed you. Don't nag. Appreciate.
My dh works hard. Twelve hour days, physical work, 1 hour commute amongst idiots who don't understand that a single headlight means a motorcycle. He puts up with a whole load of crap from upper management, works hard to retain customers. Then he comes home to an exhausted wife, 3 crazy kids who cling to him because they only see him for about an hour before bedtime, and sometimes 2 or 3 daycare kiddos who think he is their second dad. All he wants is to eat, have a beer, and sit in front of the TV. But he interacts with all of us, asking about our days, and listening. On weekends he maintains the vehicles, the outside of the house, spends time with the family and takes care of his church responsibilities. Does he do laundry? No. Dishes? Nope. Vaccuum, make the bed, scrub toilets? No way. Those are my responsibilities. I do that. If I want "help", I will earn more money to hire someone else to do it. Me asking him to 'help' with household chores would be the same as him asking me to change the oil in the cars, fix the appliances when they go out, build the fence, earn more money, etc. Not gonna happen.
Be ready for an unpopular response.
When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?
Hmmm???
Don't expect what you don't give. Start appreciating him and he will be able to start appreciating you. He won't understand your feelings. He will understand that you are pissed off at him because you are yelling at him. Then the male ego will shut down and he will feel as if you don't appreciate what he does, so he won't do anything. Men want to be our heros, our rock stars. When you yell at him for all the things he doesn't do, he feels as if he has failed you. Don't nag. Appreciate.
My dh works hard. Twelve hour days, physical work, 1 hour commute amongst idiots who don't understand that a single headlight means a motorcycle. He puts up with a whole load of crap from upper management, works hard to retain customers. Then he comes home to an exhausted wife, 3 crazy kids who cling to him because they only see him for about an hour before bedtime, and sometimes 2 or 3 daycare kiddos who think he is their second dad. All he wants is to eat, have a beer, and sit in front of the TV. But he interacts with all of us, asking about our days, and listening. On weekends he maintains the vehicles, the outside of the house, spends time with the family and takes care of his church responsibilities. Does he do laundry? No. Dishes? Nope. Vaccuum, make the bed, scrub toilets? No way. Those are my responsibilities. I do that. If I want "help", I will earn more money to hire someone else to do it. Me asking him to 'help' with household chores would be the same as him asking me to change the oil in the cars, fix the appliances when they go out, build the fence, earn more money, etc. Not gonna happen.
nannyde 09:42 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by AmyLeigh:
Be ready for an unpopular response.
When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?
Hmmm???
Don't expect what you don't give. Start appreciating him and he will be able to start appreciating you. He won't understand your feelings. He will understand that you are pissed off at him because you are yelling at him. Then the male ego will shut down and he will feel as if you don't appreciate what he does, so he won't do anything. Men want to be our heros, our rock stars. When you yell at him for all the things he doesn't do, he feels as if he has failed you. Don't nag. Appreciate.
My dh works hard. Twelve hour days, physical work, 1 hour commute amongst idiots who don't understand that a single headlight means a motorcycle. He puts up with a whole load of crap from upper management, works hard to retain customers. Then he comes home to an exhausted wife, 3 crazy kids who cling to him because they only see him for about an hour before bedtime, and sometimes 2 or 3 daycare kiddos who think he is their second dad. All he wants is to eat, have a beer, and sit in front of the TV. But he interacts with all of us, asking about our days, and listening. On weekends he maintains the vehicles, the outside of the house, spends time with the family and takes care of his church responsibilities. Does he do laundry? No. Dishes? Nope. Vaccuum, make the bed, scrub toilets? No way. Those are my responsibilities. I do that. If I want "help", I will earn more money to hire someone else to do it. Me asking him to 'help' with household chores would be the same as him asking me to change the oil in the cars, fix the appliances when they go out, build the fence, earn more money, etc. Not gonna happen.
I don't think this is unpopular but more not comparable. Be ready for an unpopular response.
When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?
Hmmm???
Don't expect what you don't give. Start appreciating him and he will be able to start appreciating you. He won't understand your feelings. He will understand that you are pissed off at him because you are yelling at him. Then the male ego will shut down and he will feel as if you don't appreciate what he does, so he won't do anything. Men want to be our heros, our rock stars. When you yell at him for all the things he doesn't do, he feels as if he has failed you. Don't nag. Appreciate.
My dh works hard. Twelve hour days, physical work, 1 hour commute amongst idiots who don't understand that a single headlight means a motorcycle. He puts up with a whole load of crap from upper management, works hard to retain customers. Then he comes home to an exhausted wife, 3 crazy kids who cling to him because they only see him for about an hour before bedtime, and sometimes 2 or 3 daycare kiddos who think he is their second dad. All he wants is to eat, have a beer, and sit in front of the TV. But he interacts with all of us, asking about our days, and listening. On weekends he maintains the vehicles, the outside of the house, spends time with the family and takes care of his church responsibilities. Does he do laundry? No. Dishes? Nope. Vaccuum, make the bed, scrub toilets? No way. Those are my responsibilities. I do that. If I want "help", I will earn more money to hire someone else to do it. Me asking him to 'help' with household chores would be the same as him asking me to change the oil in the cars, fix the appliances when they go out, build the fence, earn more money, etc. Not gonna happen.
I don't think the OP has a husband who has a deal with her that he does a twelve hour manual labor job and two hours a day of commute while she does all the inside of the house stuff and the kids.
You guys have that arrangement. I think she's saying she doesn't. She's the one working the long hours and he's not doing what you are doing. That's where the comparison is. Her husband to YOU.
The bit about the men needing appreciation and to be rock stars. Ugh honey... everybody wants that. It's not a male thing.
Everybody wants to be appreciated and feel like they are special. Everyone wants to hear that what they do really matters. What she is saying is that he isn't DOING what YOU are doing in a days course. She's doing your hubands gig but she doesn't have a YOU taking care of the rest.
Soccermom 09:49 AM 03-22-2012
I think it is important for both partners to get out of the house once in awhile. Men need to socialize with their best buds and have some downtime from work too. The problem might be that you are not getting your much needed kid free time in. I think it is important to get out of the house (Even though you probably don't feel like getting ready and going out after a long day). If you force yourself to leave the house you will be glad that you did. Leave the dishes, leave the house a mess and just go. The more you do it, the easier it will become.
I think a good heart to heart with hubby is in order as well. You need to sit down with him and make a chore list together. Also the two of you need to sit down at the beginning of each week and plan out your evenings together as a couple. He can choose a free evening and so can you. Be sure to pencil in a few date nights in there as well so the two of you can reconnect.
I don't think it is fair to be angry at him because his job is easier than yours. I'm sure he has his fair share of stress at work as well but may not vocalize it when he gets home because he doesn't want to unload too much stress on you. I'm sure he really appreciates what you do for him and probably brags to all his buddies about how great you are but men seem to have issues expressing that to their wives sometimes.
Also he probably does not expect all this from you. These are probably expectations you have set for yourself. Maybe he doesn't care if the house is spotless or that the dishes get done every night. Maybe he would be glad to help with the laundry. The most important thing to most men is having a happy wife and not necessarily a so called perfect wife (Which in reality does not exist).
I think a good heart to heart with hubby is in order as well. You need to sit down with him and make a chore list together. Also the two of you need to sit down at the beginning of each week and plan out your evenings together as a couple. He can choose a free evening and so can you. Be sure to pencil in a few date nights in there as well so the two of you can reconnect.
I don't think it is fair to be angry at him because his job is easier than yours. I'm sure he has his fair share of stress at work as well but may not vocalize it when he gets home because he doesn't want to unload too much stress on you. I'm sure he really appreciates what you do for him and probably brags to all his buddies about how great you are but men seem to have issues expressing that to their wives sometimes.
Also he probably does not expect all this from you. These are probably expectations you have set for yourself. Maybe he doesn't care if the house is spotless or that the dishes get done every night. Maybe he would be glad to help with the laundry. The most important thing to most men is having a happy wife and not necessarily a so called perfect wife (Which in reality does not exist).
wdmmom 09:53 AM 03-22-2012
If he wants to outline what is YOUR job and what is his job, he should be PAYING you to watch HIS children, PAYING you to do his laundry, PAYING you to cook his dinner, etc.
Ever hear the phrase, "it's cheaper to keep her?" IT'S TRUE! Now he needs a lesson on WHY it is cheaper!
Split everything 50/50. Make him pay half of every bill, then you make him pay for childcare for his own children, and you calculate what you want to bill him for dinner and laundry.
You'll be the one winning in the end.
Tell him...either you can do his fair share around the house or he can pay you child support. His choice!
Ever hear the phrase, "it's cheaper to keep her?" IT'S TRUE! Now he needs a lesson on WHY it is cheaper!
Split everything 50/50. Make him pay half of every bill, then you make him pay for childcare for his own children, and you calculate what you want to bill him for dinner and laundry.
You'll be the one winning in the end.
Tell him...either you can do his fair share around the house or he can pay you child support. His choice!
Country Kids 10:04 AM 03-22-2012
AmyLeigh, I was getting to write some of your post and saw what you had written. I agree!!!!
My hubby doesn't work 12 hours, have any commute time but maybe 5 min if he hits all lights green.
What he does all day though is nothing I would want to do. It is a very mentally draining job and once I really understood what he does (its a pretty new job) I've pretty much tried to shut up about the childcare. On a daily basis he sees some pretty low people-druggies, child predators, domestic fighting, alcoholics, lots more I'm sure.
One day, not to long ago at the end of the evening he said "it was very nice coming home today. You didn't talk about childcare at all, dinner was done, kitchen/house picked up. The kids (Our own) were being so good because there was just a calmness in the air." Right there I new I needed to stop bellyaching and see that the world doesn't revolve around childcare and how bad I have it.
Yes, my hubby will walk in the door, start dinner, clean the kitchen, pick up the house, laundry "do the womens work" as I call it. Why should he though? He doesn't ask me to change the oil in the cars, mow the lawn, keep up home maintenance, take the garbage to the dump, fix the plumbing when it backs up, etc.
My hubby does understand how draining childcare is-he was home three months with me and I have done it for years. Thats why he steps up to help me but I need to also realize that even though he doesn't work as long hours as I do, his job has different challenges then mine. Oh, during spring, summer, fall he works in the evenings, weekends after work doing another job.
My hubby doesn't work 12 hours, have any commute time but maybe 5 min if he hits all lights green.
What he does all day though is nothing I would want to do. It is a very mentally draining job and once I really understood what he does (its a pretty new job) I've pretty much tried to shut up about the childcare. On a daily basis he sees some pretty low people-druggies, child predators, domestic fighting, alcoholics, lots more I'm sure.
One day, not to long ago at the end of the evening he said "it was very nice coming home today. You didn't talk about childcare at all, dinner was done, kitchen/house picked up. The kids (Our own) were being so good because there was just a calmness in the air." Right there I new I needed to stop bellyaching and see that the world doesn't revolve around childcare and how bad I have it.
Yes, my hubby will walk in the door, start dinner, clean the kitchen, pick up the house, laundry "do the womens work" as I call it. Why should he though? He doesn't ask me to change the oil in the cars, mow the lawn, keep up home maintenance, take the garbage to the dump, fix the plumbing when it backs up, etc.
My hubby does understand how draining childcare is-he was home three months with me and I have done it for years. Thats why he steps up to help me but I need to also realize that even though he doesn't work as long hours as I do, his job has different challenges then mine. Oh, during spring, summer, fall he works in the evenings, weekends after work doing another job.
My3cents 10:09 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I don't think this is unpopular but more not comparable.
I don't think the OP has a husband who has a deal with her that he does a twelve hour manual labor job and two hours a day of commute while she does all the inside of the house stuff and the kids.
You guys have that arrangement. I think she's saying she doesn't. She's the one working the long hours and he's not doing what you are doing. That's where the comparison is. Her husband to YOU.
The bit about the men needing appreciation and to be rock stars. Ugh honey... everybody wants that. It's not a male thing.
Everybody wants to be appreciated and feel like they are special. Everyone wants to hear that what they do really matters. What she is saying is that he isn't DOING what YOU are doing in a days course. She's doing your hubands gig but she doesn't have a YOU taking care of the rest.
I don't think this is unpopular but more not comparable.
I don't think the OP has a husband who has a deal with her that he does a twelve hour manual labor job and two hours a day of commute while she does all the inside of the house stuff and the kids.
You guys have that arrangement. I think she's saying she doesn't. She's the one working the long hours and he's not doing what you are doing. That's where the comparison is. Her husband to YOU.
The bit about the men needing appreciation and to be rock stars. Ugh honey... everybody wants that. It's not a male thing.
Everybody wants to be appreciated and feel like they are special. Everyone wants to hear that what they do really matters. What she is saying is that he isn't DOING what YOU are doing in a days course. She's doing your hubands gig but she doesn't have a YOU taking care of the rest.
I just wanted to say that I agree Nan....and I had to write that I just wanted to say I agreed because I was under ten characters
Country Kids 10:14 AM 03-22-2012
Maybe if its to much for you guys, maybe have someone come in to do some of the housework.
That way its done when you both get off at night and no one is fighting about it. One of my friends recently did this because she works alot and hubby was tired of coming home and nothing being done.
That way its done when you both get off at night and no one is fighting about it. One of my friends recently did this because she works alot and hubby was tired of coming home and nothing being done.
cheerfuldom 10:16 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by AmyLeigh:
Be ready for an unpopular response.
When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?
Hmmm???
Don't expect what you don't give. Start appreciating him and he will be able to start appreciating you. He won't understand your feelings. He will understand that you are pissed off at him because you are yelling at him. Then the male ego will shut down and he will feel as if you don't appreciate what he does, so he won't do anything. Men want to be our heros, our rock stars. When you yell at him for all the things he doesn't do, he feels as if he has failed you. Don't nag. Appreciate.
My dh works hard. Twelve hour days, physical work, 1 hour commute amongst idiots who don't understand that a single headlight means a motorcycle. He puts up with a whole load of crap from upper management, works hard to retain customers. Then he comes home to an exhausted wife, 3 crazy kids who cling to him because they only see him for about an hour before bedtime, and sometimes 2 or 3 daycare kiddos who think he is their second dad. All he wants is to eat, have a beer, and sit in front of the TV. But he interacts with all of us, asking about our days, and listening. On weekends he maintains the vehicles, the outside of the house, spends time with the family and takes care of his church responsibilities. Does he do laundry? No. Dishes? Nope. Vaccuum, make the bed, scrub toilets? No way. Those are my responsibilities. I do that. If I want "help", I will earn more money to hire someone else to do it. Me asking him to 'help' with household chores would be the same as him asking me to change the oil in the cars, fix the appliances when they go out, build the fence, earn more money, etc. Not gonna happen.
I think you had some good points. We all need a reminder to appreciate one another. There are many, many things that we (my husband and I) used to fight over that were very silly in the grand scheme of things and we both needed to mature past those things and learn to appreciate more and complain less.Be ready for an unpopular response.
When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?
Hmmm???
Don't expect what you don't give. Start appreciating him and he will be able to start appreciating you. He won't understand your feelings. He will understand that you are pissed off at him because you are yelling at him. Then the male ego will shut down and he will feel as if you don't appreciate what he does, so he won't do anything. Men want to be our heros, our rock stars. When you yell at him for all the things he doesn't do, he feels as if he has failed you. Don't nag. Appreciate.
My dh works hard. Twelve hour days, physical work, 1 hour commute amongst idiots who don't understand that a single headlight means a motorcycle. He puts up with a whole load of crap from upper management, works hard to retain customers. Then he comes home to an exhausted wife, 3 crazy kids who cling to him because they only see him for about an hour before bedtime, and sometimes 2 or 3 daycare kiddos who think he is their second dad. All he wants is to eat, have a beer, and sit in front of the TV. But he interacts with all of us, asking about our days, and listening. On weekends he maintains the vehicles, the outside of the house, spends time with the family and takes care of his church responsibilities. Does he do laundry? No. Dishes? Nope. Vaccuum, make the bed, scrub toilets? No way. Those are my responsibilities. I do that. If I want "help", I will earn more money to hire someone else to do it. Me asking him to 'help' with household chores would be the same as him asking me to change the oil in the cars, fix the appliances when they go out, build the fence, earn more money, etc. Not gonna happen.
HOWEVER, I dont think that ANYONE has a free pass on their responsibilities because they are waiting to be appreciated. We all do thankless things, especially mothers. I dont expect a round of applause, a "good job" or even any appreciation at all for the things that I do. I clean and cook and work hard because I have a duty to the the children that I brought into this life. My husband has that same responsibility. It is childish for a man to wait around and say that he needs to feel like a rock star in order to fulfill his responsibilities in life. Its called being a grown up. I dont like the thought that a woman has the burden of making a man feel a certain way before he can be held accountable for his actions. I will be teaching my daughters to love their Dad, appreciate him, look for things to do that make him happy because they love him....not because they will be women some day and this is their "job" as a wife. It is extremely ridiculous to hold a woman to a certain standard because she is a female and not hold a man to the same standard. Where is the accountability for this husband? Sometimes you do what you have to do because it is right, not because it feels good and not because you will get an "atta boy" at the end.
I am glad you have found a situation that works for you and your husband and he really sounds like a hard working guy. But what I dont think is fair is implying (even unintentionally) that this situation is the OP's fault, is her's to fix. Marriage is a partnership. Yes she could appreciate him more....I think we all could appreciate our loved ones more....BUT there is still some of the burden on his plate. It doesn't sound like he is coming home, spending time with the kids and taking care of his own chores (like your husband has the outdoor chore, vehicles, etc) so its not the same situation.
SunshineMama 10:21 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by AmyLeigh:
Be ready for an unpopular response.
When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?
Hmmm???
I tell him on a weekly basis how attracted to him I am, how much I love him (daily), how much I appreciate everything that he does for the family, and all of the hard work that he puts in. And I do always tell him the lawn/landscaping looks great, etc. I work out and make sure I am presentable at all times. I think I am a great wife (except for the occasional early morning outbursts when I am just stressed to the max). His only "chores" are taking out the trash and mowing the lawn. Everything else is done at his convenience. I do the maintenence, reapainting and spackling the walls, refinishing the wood on the stairs, pest control when we had ant problems, etc. I do the laundry, dishes, cleaning... everything. I do all of the budgets and make sure all the bills are paid. I do our taxes. I get the kids ready and dressed for the day, prepare all meals, and put them to bed. He WILL help out if I tell him to (2 or 3 times), but I have to even tell him to do his share of the chores.Be ready for an unpopular response.
When was the last time you appreciated him? When was the last time you thanked him for working hard for your family and putting up with the BS at work? When was the last time you thanked him for putting a glass in the dishwasher or spending time with your children or mowing the lawn or.....?
Hmmm???
When he has kids, I do not heicoptor over him- I let him do his own thing, even though that means I wont have it done my way, I never complain when he helps. There are times where I literally tell him I can't do kids anymore and hand him our two (3.5 and 1) and go have time to myself. Those are the nights the kids wear their clothes to bed (unless I tell him to put PJ's on them), they dont get washed or teeth brushed, or books before bed. I do not criticize or say anything to him, but I put a guilt trip on myself because I want my kids to be put to bed properly. He does play the classic, "I dont know how to do it" dumb card that some men like to play.
I love him more than life itself and treat him very well. He is very loving to me and a great dad, but like I said before, he just doesn't get what I do with daycare, and all of the work that I do. I am going to take a lot of the advice from this thread and maybe write down some thoughts and have a heart to heart with him. He knows that I am on edge (this is the second time this week I went off in the morning) so it wont be a surprise. Thank you ladies, for sharing your opinion, thoughts, advice, and experiences!!
daycare 10:23 AM 03-22-2012
In my home country you hardly ever see divorce. Even still now.
The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.
It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.
Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.
The wife takes care of the family and the house.
Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)
and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.
Sorry I am going all over the place with this....
I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...
The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.
It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.
Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.
The wife takes care of the family and the house.
Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)
and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.
Sorry I am going all over the place with this....
I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...
Heidi 10:23 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I don't think this is unpopular but more not comparable.
I don't think the OP has a husband who has a deal with her that he does a twelve hour manual labor job and two hours a day of commute while she does all the inside of the house stuff and the kids.
You guys have that arrangement. I think she's saying she doesn't. She's the one working the long hours and he's not doing what you are doing. That's where the comparison is. Her husband to YOU.
The bit about the men needing appreciation and to be rock stars. Ugh honey... everybody wants that. It's not a male thing.
Everybody wants to be appreciated and feel like they are special. Everyone wants to hear that what they do really matters. What she is saying is that he isn't DOING what YOU are doing in a days course. She's doing your hubands gig but she doesn't have a YOU taking care of the rest.
I don't think this is unpopular but more not comparable.
I don't think the OP has a husband who has a deal with her that he does a twelve hour manual labor job and two hours a day of commute while she does all the inside of the house stuff and the kids.
You guys have that arrangement. I think she's saying she doesn't. She's the one working the long hours and he's not doing what you are doing. That's where the comparison is. Her husband to YOU.
The bit about the men needing appreciation and to be rock stars. Ugh honey... everybody wants that. It's not a male thing.
Everybody wants to be appreciated and feel like they are special. Everyone wants to hear that what they do really matters. What she is saying is that he isn't DOING what YOU are doing in a days course. She's doing your hubands gig but she doesn't have a YOU taking care of the rest.
I'm with Nan on this one. You are not wrong, but your arrangement is clearly different than OP's. In this house, I do all the housework as well, and sometimes it goes underappreciated. But, my dh sells cars for a living, and believe me, that is not an easy job. He handles the joint finances (I handle mine), he is generous, he keeps up the yard, handles the snow & garbage, does all the griling (alot in the summer),and pitches in when family comes over for holidays. Yeah, he COULD put his own dishes in the dishwasher more often, but I don't mind a little compromise as long as he throws me on the back of his Harley once in a while and takes me away from all this.
greenhouse 10:27 AM 03-22-2012
If I didn't have to pay for a portion of the bills I would be more than happy to do all of the housework. All I want to do is be a SAHM and not have to worry about contributing. I've done daycare plus an online business (now will just be doing online biz after this week 
) on top of that 90% of taking care of our 2 year old, 100% of cooking,cleaning, gardening, food shopping and animal care. DH has a very stressful job, but so is my job(s). After we eat dinner and DS goes to sleep he just gets on the computer for the rest of the night while I clean the animals, Laundry,work in packing and shipping, try to fit in a workout and a shower. It feels unbalanced because I am going for 14 hours straight. I do ask for help sometimes- just be specific and don't nag. I will have a complete freak out if DH makes ANY comment about the house being messy or something not being done. That sets me off!!! 
) on top of that 90% of taking care of our 2 year old, 100% of cooking,cleaning, gardening, food shopping and animal care. DH has a very stressful job, but so is my job(s). After we eat dinner and DS goes to sleep he just gets on the computer for the rest of the night while I clean the animals, Laundry,work in packing and shipping, try to fit in a workout and a shower. It feels unbalanced because I am going for 14 hours straight. I do ask for help sometimes- just be specific and don't nag. I will have a complete freak out if DH makes ANY comment about the house being messy or something not being done. That sets me off!!!
AmyLeigh 10:30 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by nannyde:
I don't think this is unpopular but more not comparable.
I don't think the OP has a husband who has a deal with her that he does a twelve hour manual labor job and two hours a day of commute while she does all the inside of the house stuff and the kids.
You guys have that arrangement. I think she's saying she doesn't. She's the one working the long hours and he's not doing what you are doing. That's where the comparison is. Her husband to YOU.
Okay, then if that is the case....What would you say if I posted my dh just yelled at me because he works long hours, gets up 2 hours earlier than me, expects me to work all day and then do housework, thinks I have a cushy job because I just play with kids all day, get to wear sweats and other comfy shoes, watch tv and go online whenever I want? You would flame him for sure!!! He would never do that, because he appreciates all of my work, even if I am not working as hard as he is. That makes me want to work even harder for his sake.
The bit about the men needing appreciation and to be rock stars. Ugh honey... everybody wants that. It's not a male thing. No it's not just a male thing. But the male ego is more fragile than we realize. Women just hate to admit it. If they admit it, then they would have to treat their men better.
Everybody wants to be appreciated and feel like they are special. Everyone wants to hear that what they do really matters. What she is saying is that he isn't DOING what YOU are doing in a days course. She's doing your hubands gig but she doesn't have a YOU taking care of the rest.
Answered in bold. I don't think this is unpopular but more not comparable.
I don't think the OP has a husband who has a deal with her that he does a twelve hour manual labor job and two hours a day of commute while she does all the inside of the house stuff and the kids.
You guys have that arrangement. I think she's saying she doesn't. She's the one working the long hours and he's not doing what you are doing. That's where the comparison is. Her husband to YOU.
Okay, then if that is the case....What would you say if I posted my dh just yelled at me because he works long hours, gets up 2 hours earlier than me, expects me to work all day and then do housework, thinks I have a cushy job because I just play with kids all day, get to wear sweats and other comfy shoes, watch tv and go online whenever I want? You would flame him for sure!!! He would never do that, because he appreciates all of my work, even if I am not working as hard as he is. That makes me want to work even harder for his sake.
The bit about the men needing appreciation and to be rock stars. Ugh honey... everybody wants that. It's not a male thing. No it's not just a male thing. But the male ego is more fragile than we realize. Women just hate to admit it. If they admit it, then they would have to treat their men better.
Everybody wants to be appreciated and feel like they are special. Everyone wants to hear that what they do really matters. What she is saying is that he isn't DOING what YOU are doing in a days course. She's doing your hubands gig but she doesn't have a YOU taking care of the rest.
cheerfuldom 10:31 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
In my home country you hardly ever see divorce. Even still now.
The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.
It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.
Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.
The wife takes care of the family and the house.
Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)
and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.
Sorry I am going all over the place with this....
I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...
I think there is a lot to be learned from past generations or other cultures. We also have to consider though that many cultures and generations had other things that played into a low divorce rate such as divorce being illegal, strong social or religious pressure, little to no options for women if they were to pursue divorce...there is a lot to consider there. Its definitely complicated these days with the pressure for a wife to do it all. The discussion is not really relevant for the OP though because in another culture or in a past generation, she wouldn't be doing a full time (or more) job in addition to caring for the home and children. Shes not stressed out about her home duties or her "role"...its the fact that she is doing all that plus a full time job as a daycare provider, or at least that is how I am reading her posts.In my home country you hardly ever see divorce. Even still now.
The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.
It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.
Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.
The wife takes care of the family and the house.
Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)
and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.
Sorry I am going all over the place with this....
I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...
Blackcat31 10:32 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
In my home country you hardly ever see divorce. Even still now.
The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.
It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.
Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.
The wife takes care of the family and the house.
Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)
and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.
Sorry I am going all over the place with this....
I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...
Daycare~ I may be way off base here and you would know best since you are referring to your own country (in which I have never been) but I think the roles husbands and wives take aren't equal and that is probably why there is such a low divorce rate. In my home country you hardly ever see divorce. Even still now.
The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.
It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.
Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.
The wife takes care of the family and the house.
Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)
and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.
Sorry I am going all over the place with this....
I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...
In the 1950ies America, wives weren't necessarily viewed as equal partners but more of a second class citizen compared to the husbands who were the breadwinners and heads of households.
Women have come a long way since then. I think because women have more rights and take on the head of household role more now, there is a higher divorce rate. I also think it is partly due to people who shouldn't be getting married getting married and women being allowed to have more of a say in things. I believe that there would have been a lot more divorces in the last few decades had women been allowed to speak up and had it been socially acceptable.
Sorry, I have taken this thread way off topic.
AmyLeigh 10:34 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
In my home country you hardly ever see divorce. Even still now.
The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.
It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.
Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.
The wife takes care of the family and the house.
Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)
and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.
Sorry I am going all over the place with this....
I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...
Soooo agree with you here. I could go on and on with you about this. In my home country you hardly ever see divorce. Even still now.
The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.
It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.
Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.
The wife takes care of the family and the house.
Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)
and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.
Sorry I am going all over the place with this....
I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...
cheerfuldom 10:37 AM 03-22-2012
"No it's not just a male thing. But the male ego is more fragile than we realize. Women just hate to admit it. If they admit it, then they would have to treat their men better."
wow Amy...dont even want to respond to that but I will....it is very convenient for men to use the "ego is fragile" card. Maybe it is but my point is, EVERY person needs some appreciation and tenderness. How can you read the OP's vent and not feel some sort of compassion for her situation? How can you not at least hold her husband to some accountability for this situation? Sure his ego may be fragile, maybe his feelings are hurt and he is being underappreciated, maybe the OP could be doing this or that to change things....no one is disputing that possibility. What most of us are saying though is that he DOES have some of the burden in finding a solution to this problem. He can't just bury his head in the sand and go hid because his ego has been hurt. What kind of man sits by, heads out to play basketball with his buddies, when his wife is exhausted and hurting and alone to do yet more work? He's not blind. He can't be oblivious to what she is going through right now.
wow Amy...dont even want to respond to that but I will
....it is very convenient for men to use the "ego is fragile" card. Maybe it is but my point is, EVERY person needs some appreciation and tenderness. How can you read the OP's vent and not feel some sort of compassion for her situation? How can you not at least hold her husband to some accountability for this situation? Sure his ego may be fragile, maybe his feelings are hurt and he is being underappreciated, maybe the OP could be doing this or that to change things....no one is disputing that possibility. What most of us are saying though is that he DOES have some of the burden in finding a solution to this problem. He can't just bury his head in the sand and go hid because his ego has been hurt. What kind of man sits by, heads out to play basketball with his buddies, when his wife is exhausted and hurting and alone to do yet more work? He's not blind. He can't be oblivious to what she is going through right now.
cheerfuldom 10:40 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Daycare~ I may be way off base here and you would know best since you are referring to your own country (in which I have never been) but I think the roles husbands and wives take aren't equal and that is probably why there is such a low divorce rate.
In the 1950ies America, wives weren't necessarily viewed as equal partners but more of a second class citizen compared to the husbands who were the breadwinners and heads of households.
Women have come a long way since then. I think because women have more rights and take on the head of household role more now, there is a higher divorce rate. I also think it is partly due to people who shouldn't be getting married getting married and women being allowed to have more of a say in things. I believe that there would have been a lot more divorces in the last few decades had women been allowed to speak up and had it been socially acceptable.
Sorry, I have taken this thread way off topic.
EXACTLY. People havent changed....times and cultures have. I dont think a high divorce rate is anything to be proud of but what I know for a fact is that there were countless women in other cultures or generations who suffered unbelievably because they didn't have the option to be divorce. A low divorce rate is not necessarily an indicator of HAPPILY married couples.Daycare~ I may be way off base here and you would know best since you are referring to your own country (in which I have never been) but I think the roles husbands and wives take aren't equal and that is probably why there is such a low divorce rate.
In the 1950ies America, wives weren't necessarily viewed as equal partners but more of a second class citizen compared to the husbands who were the breadwinners and heads of households.
Women have come a long way since then. I think because women have more rights and take on the head of household role more now, there is a higher divorce rate. I also think it is partly due to people who shouldn't be getting married getting married and women being allowed to have more of a say in things. I believe that there would have been a lot more divorces in the last few decades had women been allowed to speak up and had it been socially acceptable.
Sorry, I have taken this thread way off topic.
daycare 10:42 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
Daycare~ I may be way off base here and you would know best since you are referring to your own country (in which I have never been) but I think the roles husbands and wives take aren't equal and that is probably why there is such a low divorce rate.
In the 1950ies America, wives weren't necessarily viewed as equal partners but more of a second class citizen compared to the husbands who were the breadwinners and heads of households.
Women have come a long way since then. I think because women have more rights and take on the head of household role more now, there is a higher divorce rate. I also think it is partly due to people who shouldn't be getting married getting married and women being allowed to have more of a say in things. I believe that there would have been a lot more divorces in the last few decades had women been allowed to speak up and had it been socially acceptable.
Sorry, I have taken this thread way off topic.
Sorry to go off topic too...Daycare~ I may be way off base here and you would know best since you are referring to your own country (in which I have never been) but I think the roles husbands and wives take aren't equal and that is probably why there is such a low divorce rate.
In the 1950ies America, wives weren't necessarily viewed as equal partners but more of a second class citizen compared to the husbands who were the breadwinners and heads of households.
Women have come a long way since then. I think because women have more rights and take on the head of household role more now, there is a higher divorce rate. I also think it is partly due to people who shouldn't be getting married getting married and women being allowed to have more of a say in things. I believe that there would have been a lot more divorces in the last few decades had women been allowed to speak up and had it been socially acceptable.
Sorry, I have taken this thread way off topic.
I know what you are saying. Yes years ago, women were submissive to men. The men even walked in front of them, never beside them. BUT this is not what I meant. (in my home country)
All that I am saying is that there has to be ROLES..and it doesnt have to be even. You need to communicate, not nag. DOn't mother your husband, teach him what you want done and share what needs to be done so that everyone is happy at the end of the day.
maybe one person can take on more than the other better.
Its no a matter of keeping hush hush or not being able to say anything. YOu had a role and you stuck to it. There were no other OPTIONS and this may sounds horrible, but I think that in today's world there are just too many options out there. Can't buy something, get a credit card. DOn't like your boss, quit your job and get a new one, fighting with your spouse, just leave and on and on .
Yes women have come a tremendous way....AND this is gonna get me blasted, that does not relieve her of her roles as a mother, a partner and an individual. NOR does it a husband.
Sorry OP....DOn't want to take over your thread
AmyLeigh 10:47 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by SunshineMama:
I love him more than life itself and treat him very well. He is very loving to me and a great dad, but like I said before, he just doesn't get what I do with daycare, and all of the work that I do. I am going to take a lot of the advice from this thread and maybe write down some thoughts and have a heart to heart with him. He knows that I am on edge (this is the second time this week I went off in the morning) so it wont be a surprise. Thank you ladies, for sharing your opinion, thoughts, advice, and experiences!!
That's fabulous. It's a bit of a sensitive subject for me because I hate to hear women expecting to be treated like queens and yet are treating their hubby's like dirt. I've seen it all of my life. I swore I would never do that and have had 18 happy years of marriage due to it. I love him more than life itself and treat him very well. He is very loving to me and a great dad, but like I said before, he just doesn't get what I do with daycare, and all of the work that I do. I am going to take a lot of the advice from this thread and maybe write down some thoughts and have a heart to heart with him. He knows that I am on edge (this is the second time this week I went off in the morning) so it wont be a surprise. Thank you ladies, for sharing your opinion, thoughts, advice, and experiences!!
Communication is always the key, isn't it? Business and personal relationships thrive on it.
cheerfuldom 10:51 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
Sorry to go off topic too...
I know what you are saying. Yes years ago, women were submissive to men. The men even walked in front of them, never beside them. BUT this is not what I meant. (in my home country)
All that I am saying is that there has to be ROLES..and it doesnt have to be even. You need to communicate, not nag. DOn't mother your husband, teach him what you want done and share what needs to be done so that everyone is happy at the end of the day.
maybe one person can take on more than the other better.
Its no a matter of keeping hush hush or not being able to say anything. YOu had a role and you stuck to it. There were no other OPTIONS and this may sounds horrible, but I think that in today's world there are just too many options out there. Can't buy something, get a credit card. DOn't like your boss, quit your job and get a new one, fighting with your spouse, just leave and on and on .
Yes women have come a tremendous way....AND this is gonna get me blasted, that does not relieve her of her roles as a mother, a partner and an individual. NOR does it a husband.
Sorry OP....DOn't want to take over your thread
I think maybe this post was clearer than the first. Sounds like most of us can agree that there has to be some negotiation and compromise on who does what....and less complaining and comparing. Moms AND Dads both have an important role to play and the responsibilities that come with those roles. It is also important to note that when you see your partner struggling, exhausted, lasing out because of stress and fatigue, you HELP them and help carry the load together, NOT leave them to struggle alone. Its not about the wife doing XYZ and the husband doing ABC....its about the two of them being their for each other and finding a way to make it work. Right now, for the OP, it isnt working. Both her AND her husband can work together to change that but it takes two! Thanks for clarifying daycare.Sorry to go off topic too...
I know what you are saying. Yes years ago, women were submissive to men. The men even walked in front of them, never beside them. BUT this is not what I meant. (in my home country)
All that I am saying is that there has to be ROLES..and it doesnt have to be even. You need to communicate, not nag. DOn't mother your husband, teach him what you want done and share what needs to be done so that everyone is happy at the end of the day.
maybe one person can take on more than the other better.
Its no a matter of keeping hush hush or not being able to say anything. YOu had a role and you stuck to it. There were no other OPTIONS and this may sounds horrible, but I think that in today's world there are just too many options out there. Can't buy something, get a credit card. DOn't like your boss, quit your job and get a new one, fighting with your spouse, just leave and on and on .
Yes women have come a tremendous way....AND this is gonna get me blasted, that does not relieve her of her roles as a mother, a partner and an individual. NOR does it a husband.
Sorry OP....DOn't want to take over your thread
Ariana 11:06 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
In my home country you hardly ever see divorce. Even still now.
The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.
It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.
Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.
The wife takes care of the family and the house.
Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)
and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.
Sorry I am going all over the place with this....
I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...
But she's not a SAHM like a housewife in the 1950's. She's working 12 hours a day bringing in a paycheck. Totally different scenario.In my home country you hardly ever see divorce. Even still now.
The reason is that married couples have roles. Each person takes and accepts a roll. It is their responsibility to take care of it.
It seems very comparable to the american 1950s.
Husband takes care of making the money, the outside of the home and any kid of repairs. They also take care of paying for all of the bills, needs and etc.
The wife takes care of the family and the house.
Looking at that list, it looks so unfair. It looks like what the man has to do is so much more than the woman. But if we had to list out everything that the women had to do and pay her out for each job she did taking care of the family and home she would make 3times the amount of what her husband made. But that is not the idea here (compare)
and I think that is a lot of the problem....We have to compare everything, we have to have everything, we want everything to be fair,we have to do everything, we have too many options.
Sorry I am going all over the place with this....
I don't want to start a debate......Ok IM done...
I also think we can agree that a major reason no one got divorced in 1950's is because of financial reasons. Women couldn't make it on their own and NEEDED the man for survival, not to mention the fact that women got NOTHING in divorce situations back then. I could go on and on and on about why this scenario is a flawed arguement but I won't. Bottom line is that I'm sure there were a lot of VERY unhappy women staying in unhappy marriages in the 1950's and likely in your home country as well. I'm sure it's not all sunshine and roses as you're depicting. Many women from other countries accept their positions in the family as 2nd, 3rd or 4th and that doesn't mean that I have to. If my husband is going to divorce me because I nagged him to do the dishes then I'll show him the way out
daycare 11:10 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Ariana:
But she's not a SAHM like a housewife in the 1950's. She's working 12 hours a day bringing in a paycheck. Totally different scenario.
I also think we can agree that a major reason no one got divorced in 1950's is because of financial reasons. Women couldn't make it on their own and NEEDED the man for survival, not to mention the fact that women got NOTHING in divorce situations back then. I could go on and on and on about why this scenario is a flawed arguement but I won't. Bottom line is that I'm sure there were a lot of VERY unhappy women staying in unhappy marriages in the 1950's and likely in your home country as well. I'm sure it's not all sunshine and roses as you're depicting. Many women from other countries accept their positions in the family as 2nd, 3rd or 4th and that doesn't mean that I have to.
Yes I understand that. My point was that they had roles. they were defined, there was no question about them. But she's not a SAHM like a housewife in the 1950's. She's working 12 hours a day bringing in a paycheck. Totally different scenario.
I also think we can agree that a major reason no one got divorced in 1950's is because of financial reasons. Women couldn't make it on their own and NEEDED the man for survival, not to mention the fact that women got NOTHING in divorce situations back then. I could go on and on and on about why this scenario is a flawed arguement but I won't. Bottom line is that I'm sure there were a lot of VERY unhappy women staying in unhappy marriages in the 1950's and likely in your home country as well. I'm sure it's not all sunshine and roses as you're depicting. Many women from other countries accept their positions in the family as 2nd, 3rd or 4th and that doesn't mean that I have to.
YOu took care of your role and the other person took care of theirs.
AND some women did work in the 1950's, just not many of them did. My mom's mother was a nurse in the 1940s. She still did her role and my grandpa did his. They were married for 62 years.
Ariana 11:19 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
Yes I understand that. My point was that they had roles. they were defined, there was no question about them.
YOu took care of your role and the other person took care of theirs.
AND some women did work in the 1950's, just not many of them did. My mom's mother was a nurse in the 1940s. She still did her role and my grandpa did his. They were married for 62 years.
My parents had an equal partnership and are married going on 50 years and still going. My dad made bread, cleaned, cooked dinner and worked. My mom did the same. Yes I understand that. My point was that they had roles. they were defined, there was no question about them.
YOu took care of your role and the other person took care of theirs.
AND some women did work in the 1950's, just not many of them did. My mom's mother was a nurse in the 1940s. She still did her role and my grandpa did his. They were married for 62 years.
I do understand what you're saying about "roles" but IMO that's not the problem. I see men today as much much much more lazy then men back then. My dad worked HARD and then came home and continued to work. Fixing this or that, painting, cooking or whatever. He didn't play basketball or go play poker with friends or watch tv all evening long like men today. I honestly think that's what the issue is. Men had more respect for themselves and took family more seriously. Today's men have been so babied by their own mommas they expect it to continue when they get married.
SunshineMama 11:27 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Ariana:
My parents had an equal partnership and are married going on 50 years and still going. My dad made bread, cleaned, cooked dinner and worked. My mom did the same.
I do understand what you're saying about "roles" but IMO that's not the problem. I see men today as much much much more lazy then men back then. My dad worked HARD and then came home and continued to work. Fixing this or that, painting, cooking or whatever. He didn't play basketball or go play poker with friends or watch tv all evening long like men today. I honestly think that's what the issue is. Men had more respect for themselves and took family more seriously. Today's men have been so babied by their own mommas they expect it to continue when they get married.
I see a trend with this as well. My dh lived off of his parents until he was 21, then I supported him through college because he had to "concentrate on his grades" and couldnt work and go to school at the same time (even though I did lol). His older brother, 34, still lives at home. His mom is fully supporting his other brothers, 23 and 18. His mom was a nurse, and I have witnessed her working 12 hour shifts, then coming home to cook, clean, and do laundry, and clean. If she didnt do it, it did not get done.My parents had an equal partnership and are married going on 50 years and still going. My dad made bread, cleaned, cooked dinner and worked. My mom did the same.
I do understand what you're saying about "roles" but IMO that's not the problem. I see men today as much much much more lazy then men back then. My dad worked HARD and then came home and continued to work. Fixing this or that, painting, cooking or whatever. He didn't play basketball or go play poker with friends or watch tv all evening long like men today. I honestly think that's what the issue is. Men had more respect for themselves and took family more seriously. Today's men have been so babied by their own mommas they expect it to continue when they get married.
She ended up divorcing their dad, after finding out that he had fathered yet a SECOND child out of wedlock.
My dh is not like his father, thankfully, but no one in their right mind would look at our situation as an equal partnership, with the way things are.
AmyLeigh 11:31 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
"No it's not just a male thing. But the male ego is more fragile than we realize. Women just hate to admit it. If they admit it, then they would have to treat their men better."
wow Amy...dont even want to respond to that but I will....it is very convenient for men to use the "ego is fragile" card. Maybe it is but my point is, EVERY person needs some appreciation and tenderness. How can you read the OP's vent and not feel some sort of compassion for her situation? How can you not at least hold her husband to some accountability for this situation? Sure his ego may be fragile, maybe his feelings are hurt and he is being underappreciated, maybe the OP could be doing this or that to change things....no one is disputing that possibility. What most of us are saying though is that he DOES have some of the burden in finding a solution to this problem. He can't just bury his head in the sand and go hid because his ego has been hurt. What kind of man sits by, heads out to play basketball with his buddies, when his wife is exhausted and hurting and alone to do yet more work? He's not blind. He can't be oblivious to what she is going through right now.
Compassion? Yup. More like empathy. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt in therapy. It was an issue that my therapist and I discussed at length. I have a long history of being overwhelmed and underappreciated. It's not about him. It's about what I do in response to my feelings. How I approach him when asking for help. I had to take responsibility for my feelings before expecting him to take responsibility in the situation. You can't change another person. You can only change how you treat them. You say that he has some responsibility in finding a solution to the problem. What if he doesn't realize there is a problem? Maybe he is that oblivious. Many a man has been blind sided by their wives yelling at them, or even leaving because they couldn't take it anymore. When we suffer in silence, then we can't assume that the man in our lives is sitting there thinking, 'haha, got her to do all the dishes, laundry, deal with the kids, and I get to play basketball with my buddies.' Nope. He's thinking, "basketball." "No it's not just a male thing. But the male ego is more fragile than we realize. Women just hate to admit it. If they admit it, then they would have to treat their men better."
wow Amy...dont even want to respond to that but I will
....it is very convenient for men to use the "ego is fragile" card. Maybe it is but my point is, EVERY person needs some appreciation and tenderness. How can you read the OP's vent and not feel some sort of compassion for her situation? How can you not at least hold her husband to some accountability for this situation? Sure his ego may be fragile, maybe his feelings are hurt and he is being underappreciated, maybe the OP could be doing this or that to change things....no one is disputing that possibility. What most of us are saying though is that he DOES have some of the burden in finding a solution to this problem. He can't just bury his head in the sand and go hid because his ego has been hurt. What kind of man sits by, heads out to play basketball with his buddies, when his wife is exhausted and hurting and alone to do yet more work? He's not blind. He can't be oblivious to what she is going through right now.
They are not mind readers. They see us handling it all so well, it doesn't even come on their radar that we may want them to take over some of the responsibilities.It all comes down to open, calm, respectful communication. OP posted that she is going to do this.
littlemissmuffet 11:32 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
I am going to hug my DH tonight (or at lunch today since he comes in every afternoon to help me) because my DH is the exact opposite.
He does EVERYTHING that is needed around the house. He works just as much as I do and happily does chores around the house too. He keeps everything running smoothly outside and has no issues doing laundry or dishes. His mother even taught all 5 of her boys to sew! As a matter of fact, he is the one who makes our bed every day!
He plans and cooks dinner EVERY night so it is ready when I get home. He grocery shops with me and is my partner in every way!
This thread just made me appreciate him that much more!
OP~ wishing I had some good advice for you. All I can offer is that open communication between the two of you is the only thing that is going to help. You two need to sit down and discuss exactly what you both expect from and for each other. Nothing will ever change unless you both make the effort.
I am going to hug my DH tonight (or at lunch today since he comes in every afternoon to help me) because my DH is the exact opposite.
He does EVERYTHING that is needed around the house. He works just as much as I do and happily does chores around the house too. He keeps everything running smoothly outside and has no issues doing laundry or dishes. His mother even taught all 5 of her boys to sew! As a matter of fact, he is the one who makes our bed every day!
He plans and cooks dinner EVERY night so it is ready when I get home. He grocery shops with me and is my partner in every way!
This thread just made me appreciate him that much more! OP~ wishing I had some good advice for you. All I can offer is that open communication between the two of you is the only thing that is going to help. You two need to sit down and discuss exactly what you both expect from and for each other. Nothing will ever change unless you both make the effort.
Me too! I wish every marriage was a partnership like ours! Lucky us!
daycare 11:33 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by SunshineMama:
I see a trend with this as well. My dh lived off of his parents until he was 21, then I supported him through college because he had to "concentrate on his grades" and couldnt work and go to school at the same time (even though I did lol). His older brother, 34, still lives at home. His mom is fully supporting his other brothers, 23 and 18. His mom was a nurse, and I have witnessed her working 12 hour shifts, then coming home to cook, clean, and do laundry, and clean. If she didnt do it, it did not get done.
She ended up divorcing their dad, after finding out that he had fathered yet a SECOND child out of wedlock.
My dh is not like his father, thankfully, but no one in their right mind would look at our situation as an equal partnership, with the way things are.
I agree that there is a trend, but why does it have to continue?I see a trend with this as well. My dh lived off of his parents until he was 21, then I supported him through college because he had to "concentrate on his grades" and couldnt work and go to school at the same time (even though I did lol). His older brother, 34, still lives at home. His mom is fully supporting his other brothers, 23 and 18. His mom was a nurse, and I have witnessed her working 12 hour shifts, then coming home to cook, clean, and do laundry, and clean. If she didnt do it, it did not get done.
She ended up divorcing their dad, after finding out that he had fathered yet a SECOND child out of wedlock.
My dh is not like his father, thankfully, but no one in their right mind would look at our situation as an equal partnership, with the way things are.
My huband lived at home (excluding college) his entire life. He was 31 when we met and still lived at home, 34 when we moved in together. I know a lot of it had to do with his culture, his mom does everything.
She runs a hospital, is a doctor, works 12 hours days 6+ days a week and is currently dying of a terminal illness (its so so sad) She currently has her 37 year old daughter and grand daughter living at home with them. MY SIL has NEVER moved out, never washed a dish, folded laundry, basically long list short, she has never had to live one day of reality.
My husband was not much different.
I used to get so mad at my husband, that was until I finally realized that I was dealing with a MAN CHILD. I basically had to sit down and spell it all out for him. AND I had to do it often. I taught him how to take care of our house, the kids, and what not.
Know this, they won't get good at it, if you don't let them do it.
nannyde 11:38 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
Sure his ego may be fragile, maybe his feelings are hurt and he is being underappreciated, maybe the OP could be doing this or that to change things....
Or maybe he doesn't want to do the HARD work that is caring for young children, cooking, cleaning, laundry all at the same time. Sure his ego may be fragile, maybe his feelings are hurt and he is being underappreciated, maybe the OP could be doing this or that to change things....
I believe that most men that don't want to participate as equal workers in these life responsibilities don't want to do the work. It's hard. It can be very boring. It's endless and the things that work one day won't work the next. They all have to be done at the same time and it's ever changing.
Stuff like putting kids to bed without changing them into jammies and cleaning them before bed isn't a MAN thing. it's a "I don't want to do it" thing.
We need to stop making silly excuses for it. There's no such thing as man work or woman work unless BOTH partners agree to it. Then it's a family decision. I don't think most women today... specially women who are doing the HARD work of child care... would believe that a man couldn't do exactly what she does by practice, knowledge seeking, and a good work ethic.
There's nothing I do in a course of the day that a man couldn't do. It has nothing to do with gender. It's just WORK and you have to DO it to be good at it.
SunshineMama 11:41 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
I agree that there is a trend, but why does it have to continue?
My huband lived at home (excluding college) his entire life. He was 31 when we met and still lived at home, 34 when we moved in together. I know a lot of it had to do with his culture, his mom does everything.
She runs a hospital, is a doctor, she currently has her 37 year old daughter and grand daughter living at home with them. MY SIL has NEVER moved out, never washed a dish, folded laundry, basically long list short, she has never had to live one day of reality.
My husband was not much different.
I used to get so mad at my husband, that was until I finally realized that I was dealing with a MAN CHILD. I basically had to sit down and spell it all out for him. AND I had to do it often. I taught him how to take care of our house, the kids, and what not.
Know this, they won't get good at it, if you don't let them do it.
Wait... didn't you say before that your dh is from the Phillos? Mine is too (I think in the previous thread I was talking about my friend from the Phillos bc I didnt want to oust dh but this whole thread kinda does that so I might as well not be alone with the cultural shock). And his dad was an orthopedic surgeon and his mom heads up the OBGYN dept at a well known hospital- so they are a smart family- how can such smart people raise such lazy children? DH and his older sibs were born there and the younger ones were born over here. That "tough job" he does now... I filled out all of the applications and did all of the pre-job online screenings for him. Sigh..I agree that there is a trend, but why does it have to continue?
My huband lived at home (excluding college) his entire life. He was 31 when we met and still lived at home, 34 when we moved in together. I know a lot of it had to do with his culture, his mom does everything.
She runs a hospital, is a doctor, she currently has her 37 year old daughter and grand daughter living at home with them. MY SIL has NEVER moved out, never washed a dish, folded laundry, basically long list short, she has never had to live one day of reality.
My husband was not much different.
I used to get so mad at my husband, that was until I finally realized that I was dealing with a MAN CHILD. I basically had to sit down and spell it all out for him. AND I had to do it often. I taught him how to take care of our house, the kids, and what not.
Know this, they won't get good at it, if you don't let them do it.
We met in high school and have been together since then. He has come a loooooong way, but theres still more work to do, starting with a well thought out chat.
Country Kids 11:48 AM 03-22-2012
There is a difference between being lazy and not being created to do things.
Men are not created to be nurturing, women are. Women are not made to be physical, men are.
Things all changed in the 50-70's when women wanted what the men had and then it has been a downward spiral. Seriously, women want it all-a career, husband, kids, a big house somewhere, the men to do some of the work in the home because I work to you know.
Whats sad is men didn't ask women to go into the work force. Now for 1-2 generations they here how lazy they are because they don't do enough around the house. Seriously, it has only been 40 years or so that alot of women have worked outsided the home-hundreds of years before that mainly only men worked outside the homes. Your not going to change things overnight that went the same way for hundreds of years.
I wasn't asked if I wanted to be a working mom-society made it so that it takes literally two incomes to survive. I would be more then happy staying at home, taking care of the house, family, all that while my hubby worked and brought the paycheck home.
Men are not created to be nurturing, women are. Women are not made to be physical, men are.
Things all changed in the 50-70's when women wanted what the men had and then it has been a downward spiral. Seriously, women want it all-a career, husband, kids, a big house somewhere, the men to do some of the work in the home because I work to you know.
Whats sad is men didn't ask women to go into the work force. Now for 1-2 generations they here how lazy they are because they don't do enough around the house. Seriously, it has only been 40 years or so that alot of women have worked outsided the home-hundreds of years before that mainly only men worked outside the homes. Your not going to change things overnight that went the same way for hundreds of years.
I wasn't asked if I wanted to be a working mom-society made it so that it takes literally two incomes to survive. I would be more then happy staying at home, taking care of the house, family, all that while my hubby worked and brought the paycheck home.
daycare 11:49 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by SunshineMama:
Wait... didn't you say before that your dh is from the Phillos? Mine is too (I think in the previous thread I was talking about my friend from the Phillos bc I didnt want to oust dh but this whole thread kinda does that so I might as well not be alone with the cultural shock). And his dad was an orthopedic surgeon and his mom heads up the OBGYN dept at a well known hospital- so they are a smart family- how can such smart people raise such lazy children? DH and his older sibs were born there and the younger ones were born over here. That "tough job" he does now... I filled out all of the applications and did all of the pre-job online screenings for him. Sigh..
We met in high school and have been together since then. He has come a loooooong way, but theres still more work to do, starting with a well thought out chat.
LMAO yup!!~! ditto ditto ditto...Wait... didn't you say before that your dh is from the Phillos? Mine is too (I think in the previous thread I was talking about my friend from the Phillos bc I didnt want to oust dh but this whole thread kinda does that so I might as well not be alone with the cultural shock). And his dad was an orthopedic surgeon and his mom heads up the OBGYN dept at a well known hospital- so they are a smart family- how can such smart people raise such lazy children? DH and his older sibs were born there and the younger ones were born over here. That "tough job" he does now... I filled out all of the applications and did all of the pre-job online screenings for him. Sigh..
We met in high school and have been together since then. He has come a loooooong way, but theres still more work to do, starting with a well thought out chat.
I took me almost 4 years to figure out that it was my husbands culture. That he is a MAN CHILD. In the beginning, stupid me was basically doing what his mother was doing because I thought that is what I needed to do.
But then reality hit me on my head (ok my sister did becase I was always upset) and I stopped. I still have to check his chore chart like I do the kids. I also have to make him give me his weekly schedule on google calendar of everything that he needs to do for the week. I make him take care of all of his own stuff now too. LIke when he was starting medical school, I am the one who got all of his transcripts and what not....
NO way no more. I take care of my dreams and goals I have as an individual and you do yours, everything else we do together....
Country Kids 11:51 AM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by SunshineMama:
Wait... didn't you say before that your dh is from the Phillos? Mine is too (I think in the previous thread I was talking about my friend from the Phillos bc I didnt want to oust dh but this whole thread kinda does that so I might as well not be alone with the cultural shock). And his dad was an orthopedic surgeon and his mom heads up the OBGYN dept at a well known hospital- so they are a smart family- how can such smart people raise such lazy children? DH and his older sibs were born there and the younger ones were born over here. That "tough job" he does now... I filled out all of the applications and did all of the pre-job online screenings for him. Sigh..
We met in high school and have been together since then. He has come a loooooong way, but theres still more work to do, starting with a well thought out chat.
So are his parents this way like your hubby. The wife doing most of the work or not. How does the dynamics of the older generation work? You might look into that and see if its just the culture.Wait... didn't you say before that your dh is from the Phillos? Mine is too (I think in the previous thread I was talking about my friend from the Phillos bc I didnt want to oust dh but this whole thread kinda does that so I might as well not be alone with the cultural shock). And his dad was an orthopedic surgeon and his mom heads up the OBGYN dept at a well known hospital- so they are a smart family- how can such smart people raise such lazy children? DH and his older sibs were born there and the younger ones were born over here. That "tough job" he does now... I filled out all of the applications and did all of the pre-job online screenings for him. Sigh..
We met in high school and have been together since then. He has come a loooooong way, but theres still more work to do, starting with a well thought out chat.
SunshineMama 12:01 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Country Kids:
So are his parents this way like your hubby. The wife doing most of the work or not. How does the dynamics of the older generation work? You might look into that and see if its just the culture.
His dad worked outside the home and did nothing else. His mom worked outside the home, raised 5 boys, and did everything that was needed, so he is very comfortable being waited on by a woman. His grandparents on both sides, raised their kids in the Phillos, but had household servents for everything, so all of the cooking, cleaning, and childcare was done by servents. So are his parents this way like your hubby. The wife doing most of the work or not. How does the dynamics of the older generation work? You might look into that and see if its just the culture.
I am not sure about his aunts and uncles, but when I go to family gatherings, the women do most of the cooking, child care, and cleaning, while the men fill their bellies with food and sit around and drink.
The family that is still overseas all has servents (sorry probably not the proper term- household help?) They have cooks, maids, child-care providers, drivers, etc.
His mom is in her mid 50's and still breaking her back and supporting 3/5 of her adult male children. And when they go to her house to visit and she works a full 12 hour day, they still sit around and have her cook for them and clean up afterwards. (I always jump in and try to have dinner etc ready when I am present to help her out, and I do get on all of them to help- sometimes they do, and sometimes they magically disappear).
SunshineMama 12:06 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
LMAO yup!!~! ditto ditto ditto...
I took me almost 4 years to figure out that it was my husbands culture. That he is a MAN CHILD. In the beginning, stupid me was basically doing what his mother was doing because I thought that is what I needed to do.
But then reality hit me on my head (ok my sister did becase I was always upset) and I stopped. I still have to check his chore chart like I do the kids. I also have to make him give me his weekly schedule on google calendar of everything that he needs to do for the week. I make him take care of all of his own stuff now too. LIke when he was starting medical school, I am the one who got all of his transcripts and what not....
NO way no more. I take care of my dreams and goals I have as an individual and you do yours, everything else we do together....
I do feel better knowing that I am not alone! Hmm, maybe I should do a chore chart for him too LMAO yup!!~! ditto ditto ditto...
I took me almost 4 years to figure out that it was my husbands culture. That he is a MAN CHILD. In the beginning, stupid me was basically doing what his mother was doing because I thought that is what I needed to do.
But then reality hit me on my head (ok my sister did becase I was always upset) and I stopped. I still have to check his chore chart like I do the kids. I also have to make him give me his weekly schedule on google calendar of everything that he needs to do for the week. I make him take care of all of his own stuff now too. LIke when he was starting medical school, I am the one who got all of his transcripts and what not....
NO way no more. I take care of my dreams and goals I have as an individual and you do yours, everything else we do together....
I have to be in charge of his schedule too! The other day I was irritated so I did not wake him up for work (the second time). I said, time to get up and he goes, "come back in 10 minutes and get me," like I am going to stop doing daycare to be his alarm clock. I said no way!
He was 30 minutes late because he never woke up on time. LOL! Oh these men! We need to have a wives of Pinoy men club!
Country Kids 12:09 PM 03-22-2012
So how can you really fault him when this is the way he was raised? Seriously, that is the only life he has ever seen! In a way if you've known him this long, you should have seen this way before marriage and know that he would probably be that way.
One he probably sees what his mom does for a living and then still does everything at home. Then when he sees you at home all day (believe me I know we aren't eating bon-bons) but then you want him to help, he seriously isn't going to get it.
Two, even though he lives here, he still is very strong in his culture. Believe me I am married to someone from another culture and they so want to hang on to "The ways back home" and back home is still here in the states but everyone from the same culture lived there.
Now that I hear about his background, I can't really fault him. He was raised that way and sounds like his whole family does it the same way. Probably no changing him anytime soon.
One he probably sees what his mom does for a living and then still does everything at home. Then when he sees you at home all day (believe me I know we aren't eating bon-bons) but then you want him to help, he seriously isn't going to get it.
Two, even though he lives here, he still is very strong in his culture. Believe me I am married to someone from another culture and they so want to hang on to "The ways back home" and back home is still here in the states but everyone from the same culture lived there.
Now that I hear about his background, I can't really fault him. He was raised that way and sounds like his whole family does it the same way. Probably no changing him anytime soon.
daycare 12:11 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by SunshineMama:
I do feel better knowing that I am not alone! Hmm, maybe I should do a chore chart for him too
I have to be in charge of his schedule too! The other day I was irritated so I did not wake him up for work (the second time). I said, time to get up and he goes, "come back in 10 minutes and get me," like I am going to stop doing daycare to be his alarm clock. I said no way!
He was 30 minutes late because he never woke up on time. LOL! Oh these men! We need to have a wives of Pinoy men club!
OMG I just almost threw up reading your post from trying not to laugh. My kidneys are hurting so bad right now...................I do feel better knowing that I am not alone! Hmm, maybe I should do a chore chart for him too
I have to be in charge of his schedule too! The other day I was irritated so I did not wake him up for work (the second time). I said, time to get up and he goes, "come back in 10 minutes and get me," like I am going to stop doing daycare to be his alarm clock. I said no way!
He was 30 minutes late because he never woke up on time. LOL! Oh these men! We need to have a wives of Pinoy men club!
Um your husband does not have a 3 letter name does he? Are we talkiong about the same man??
wives of Pinoy men club! lmao hahahahhahahaha I gotta tell my hubby that....He might get mad oh well.....
SunshineMama 12:17 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
OMG I just almost threw up reading your post from trying not to laugh. My kidneys are hurting so bad right now...................
Um your husband does not have a 3 letter name does he? Are we talkiong about the same man??
wives of Pinoy men club! lmao hahahahhahahaha I gotta tell my hubby that....He might get mad oh well.....
HAHA- well he has 4 names (His dad named all of his 5 sons the exact same first name-his LOL) but his shortened second name, the name we call him by, has 3 letters! HAHA! This is getting funnier and funnier!OMG I just almost threw up reading your post from trying not to laugh. My kidneys are hurting so bad right now...................
Um your husband does not have a 3 letter name does he? Are we talkiong about the same man??
wives of Pinoy men club! lmao hahahahhahahaha I gotta tell my hubby that....He might get mad oh well.....
Has your dh gotten you to eat Balut yet?
daycare 12:25 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by SunshineMama:
HAHA- well he has 4 names (His dad named all of his 5 sons the exact same first name-his LOL) but his shortened second name, the name we call him by, has 3 letters! HAHA! This is getting funnier and funnier!
Has your dh gotten you to eat Balut yet?
lol OMG yeah he has a really long first name. I think its his dads and both grandpas put together but we call him a 3 letter name.HAHA- well he has 4 names (His dad named all of his 5 sons the exact same first name-his LOL) but his shortened second name, the name we call him by, has 3 letters! HAHA! This is getting funnier and funnier!
Has your dh gotten you to eat Balut yet?
Oh hell NO....I don't eat weird food. No lumpia, none of that crazy stuff...
I don't like meat....
Country Kids 12:30 PM 03-22-2012
I'm glad this thread has turned around and you two have found each other!!! Maybe together you can turn your men around-
daycare 12:40 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Country Kids:
I'm glad this thread has turned around and you two have found each other!!! Maybe together you can turn your men around-
Same here....too funny...and for awhile I thought that I was all alone..... I'm glad this thread has turned around and you two have found each other!!! Maybe together you can turn your men around-
this culture is one of the nicest I have ever met but at the same time very hard to understand why they do what they do with their kids.
SunshineMama 12:45 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
Same here....too funny...and for awhile I thought that I was all alone.....
this culture is one of the nicest I have ever met but at the same time very hard to understand why they do what they do with their kids.
Same here....too funny...and for awhile I thought that I was all alone.....
this culture is one of the nicest I have ever met but at the same time very hard to understand why they do what they do with their kids.
I do have to say that, since meeting dh, he has gotten me to lighten up a lot and take time to enjoy life more.
But I do agree that there is a huge cultural difference in child-rearing!!
Ariana 12:48 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Country Kids:
There is a difference between being lazy and not being created to do things.
Men are not created to be nurturing, women are. Women are not made to be physical, men are.
Things all changed in the 50-70's when women wanted what the men had and then it has been a downward spiral. Seriously, women want it all-a career, husband, kids, a big house somewhere, the men to do some of the work in the home because I work to you know.
Whats sad is men didn't ask women to go into the work force. Now for 1-2 generations they here how lazy they are because they don't do enough around the house. Seriously, it has only been 40 years or so that alot of women have worked outsided the home-hundreds of years before that mainly only men worked outside the homes. Your not going to change things overnight that went the same way for hundreds of years.
I wasn't asked if I wanted to be a working mom-society made it so that it takes literally two incomes to survive. I would be more then happy staying at home, taking care of the house, family, all that while my hubby worked and brought the paycheck home.
There is a difference between being lazy and not being created to do things.
Men are not created to be nurturing, women are. Women are not made to be physical, men are.
Things all changed in the 50-70's when women wanted what the men had and then it has been a downward spiral. Seriously, women want it all-a career, husband, kids, a big house somewhere, the men to do some of the work in the home because I work to you know.
Whats sad is men didn't ask women to go into the work force. Now for 1-2 generations they here how lazy they are because they don't do enough around the house. Seriously, it has only been 40 years or so that alot of women have worked outsided the home-hundreds of years before that mainly only men worked outside the homes. Your not going to change things overnight that went the same way for hundreds of years.
I wasn't asked if I wanted to be a working mom-society made it so that it takes literally two incomes to survive. I would be more then happy staying at home, taking care of the house, family, all that while my hubby worked and brought the paycheck home.
What's wrong with wanting a career and expecting your husband to do his family duties? Who cares if the traditional roles went on for 40 years. Men are intelligent enough to know that they don't live 40 years ago they live NOW. There are too many women feeling guilty for requiring more from their husbands because of statements like you've made.
I breastfed my child and my husband opens jars. Pretty much everything else I can do and he can do. My husband is very nurturing. Most men are not nurturing, not because they weren't made that way, but because it was never modeled for them by their own fathers.
cheerfuldom 01:07 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by AmyLeigh:
Compassion? Yup. More like empathy. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt in therapy. It was an issue that my therapist and I discussed at length. I have a long history of being overwhelmed and underappreciated. It's not about him. It's about what I do in response to my feelings. How I approach him when asking for help. I had to take responsibility for my feelings before expecting him to take responsibility in the situation. You can't change another person. You can only change how you treat them. You say that he has some responsibility in finding a solution to the problem. What if he doesn't realize there is a problem? Maybe he is that oblivious. Many a man has been blind sided by their wives yelling at them, or even leaving because they couldn't take it anymore. When we suffer in silence, then we can't assume that the man in our lives is sitting there thinking, 'haha, got her to do all the dishes, laundry, deal with the kids, and I get to play basketball with my buddies.' Nope. He's thinking, "basketball." They are not mind readers. They see us handling it all so well, it doesn't even come on their radar that we may want them to take over some of the responsibilities.
It all comes down to open, calm, respectful communication. OP posted that she is going to do this.
It doesnt sound like the OP is being silent Compassion? Yup. More like empathy. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt in therapy. It was an issue that my therapist and I discussed at length. I have a long history of being overwhelmed and underappreciated. It's not about him. It's about what I do in response to my feelings. How I approach him when asking for help. I had to take responsibility for my feelings before expecting him to take responsibility in the situation. You can't change another person. You can only change how you treat them. You say that he has some responsibility in finding a solution to the problem. What if he doesn't realize there is a problem? Maybe he is that oblivious. Many a man has been blind sided by their wives yelling at them, or even leaving because they couldn't take it anymore. When we suffer in silence, then we can't assume that the man in our lives is sitting there thinking, 'haha, got her to do all the dishes, laundry, deal with the kids, and I get to play basketball with my buddies.' Nope. He's thinking, "basketball."
They are not mind readers. They see us handling it all so well, it doesn't even come on their radar that we may want them to take over some of the responsibilities.It all comes down to open, calm, respectful communication. OP posted that she is going to do this.
When someone is shouting at you "HELP!" then I think it is safe to assume that they need help. I absolutely agree that respectful communication is the best way to go though. Congrats on 18 years together! It sounds like you have really figured out things in your own relationship but please remember that each other person has a different dynamic. What worked for you and your hubby may not be what works for them and thats okay.
cheerfuldom 01:10 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Or maybe he doesn't want to do the HARD work that is caring for young children, cooking, cleaning, laundry all at the same time.
I believe that most men that don't want to participate as equal workers in these life responsibilities don't want to do the work. It's hard. It can be very boring. It's endless and the things that work one day won't work the next. They all have to be done at the same time and it's ever changing.
Stuff like putting kids to bed without changing them into jammies and cleaning them before bed isn't a MAN thing. it's a "I don't want to do it" thing.
We need to stop making silly excuses for it. There's no such thing as man work or woman work unless BOTH partners agree to it. Then it's a family decision. I don't think most women today... specially women who are doing the HARD work of child care... would believe that a man couldn't do exactly what she does by practice, knowledge seeking, and a good work ethic.
There's nothing I do in a course of the day that a man couldn't do. It has nothing to do with gender. It's just WORK and you have to DO it to be good at it.
Or maybe he doesn't want to do the HARD work that is caring for young children, cooking, cleaning, laundry all at the same time.
I believe that most men that don't want to participate as equal workers in these life responsibilities don't want to do the work. It's hard. It can be very boring. It's endless and the things that work one day won't work the next. They all have to be done at the same time and it's ever changing.
Stuff like putting kids to bed without changing them into jammies and cleaning them before bed isn't a MAN thing. it's a "I don't want to do it" thing.
We need to stop making silly excuses for it. There's no such thing as man work or woman work unless BOTH partners agree to it. Then it's a family decision. I don't think most women today... specially women who are doing the HARD work of child care... would believe that a man couldn't do exactly what she does by practice, knowledge seeking, and a good work ethic.
There's nothing I do in a course of the day that a man couldn't do. It has nothing to do with gender. It's just WORK and you have to DO it to be good at it.
I agree with you wholeheartedly....my comment that you qouted was giving the hubby the benefit of the doubt. TO ME, it just sounds like plain out laziness as you said but I don't know him, I don't know all the details and I gladly give someone the benefit of the doubt
cheerfuldom 01:14 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Country Kids:
There is a difference between being lazy and not being created to do things.
Men are not created to be nurturing, women are. Women are not made to be physical, men are.
Things all changed in the 50-70's when women wanted what the men had and then it has been a downward spiral. Seriously, women want it all-a career, husband, kids, a big house somewhere, the men to do some of the work in the home because I work to you know.
Whats sad is men didn't ask women to go into the work force. Now for 1-2 generations they here how lazy they are because they don't do enough around the house. Seriously, it has only been 40 years or so that alot of women have worked outsided the home-hundreds of years before that mainly only men worked outside the homes. Your not going to change things overnight that went the same way for hundreds of years.
I wasn't asked if I wanted to be a working mom-society made it so that it takes literally two incomes to survive. I would be more then happy staying at home, taking care of the house, family, all that while my hubby worked and brought the paycheck home.
I'd hardly call all the changes since the 50s a downward spiral....progress for women has been a part of many amazing changes for all of society....like civil rights. There is a difference between being lazy and not being created to do things.
Men are not created to be nurturing, women are. Women are not made to be physical, men are.
Things all changed in the 50-70's when women wanted what the men had and then it has been a downward spiral. Seriously, women want it all-a career, husband, kids, a big house somewhere, the men to do some of the work in the home because I work to you know.
Whats sad is men didn't ask women to go into the work force. Now for 1-2 generations they here how lazy they are because they don't do enough around the house. Seriously, it has only been 40 years or so that alot of women have worked outsided the home-hundreds of years before that mainly only men worked outside the homes. Your not going to change things overnight that went the same way for hundreds of years.
I wasn't asked if I wanted to be a working mom-society made it so that it takes literally two incomes to survive. I would be more then happy staying at home, taking care of the house, family, all that while my hubby worked and brought the paycheck home.
I think I do see what you are getting at though. We are not that far as a generation from the thought that men do this and women do that. Women's "roles" have changed a lot and that has pros and cons to what it has affected for men. STILL....if your spouse is not happy and things are not working in a marriage, its not going to do anyone any good to start talking about how things were in the good ol' days. The reality is that the OP and her hubby are in the here and now and need to get things worked out in their own reality...not the reality of what things would have been like if they were married in the 50s.
cheerfuldom 01:17 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by SunshineMama:
I do feel better knowing that I am not alone! Hmm, maybe I should do a chore chart for him too
I have to be in charge of his schedule too! The other day I was irritated so I did not wake him up for work (the second time). I said, time to get up and he goes, "come back in 10 minutes and get me," like I am going to stop doing daycare to be his alarm clock. I said no way!
He was 30 minutes late because he never woke up on time. LOL! Oh these men! We need to have a wives of Pinoy men club!
oh lordy....waking him up??? I don't even wake up my four year old. I don't think this is a "man" issue.....he does sound like another child and you already have enough of those to take care of!I do feel better knowing that I am not alone! Hmm, maybe I should do a chore chart for him too
I have to be in charge of his schedule too! The other day I was irritated so I did not wake him up for work (the second time). I said, time to get up and he goes, "come back in 10 minutes and get me," like I am going to stop doing daycare to be his alarm clock. I said no way!
He was 30 minutes late because he never woke up on time. LOL! Oh these men! We need to have a wives of Pinoy men club!
cheerfuldom 01:18 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Country Kids:
So how can you really fault him when this is the way he was raised? Seriously, that is the only life he has ever seen! In a way if you've known him this long, you should have seen this way before marriage and know that he would probably be that way.
One he probably sees what his mom does for a living and then still does everything at home. Then when he sees you at home all day (believe me I know we aren't eating bon-bons) but then you want him to help, he seriously isn't going to get it.
Two, even though he lives here, he still is very strong in his culture. Believe me I am married to someone from another culture and they so want to hang on to "The ways back home" and back home is still here in the states but everyone from the same culture lived there.
Now that I hear about his background, I can't really fault him. He was raised that way and sounds like his whole family does it the same way. Probably no changing him anytime soon.
People can change. Culture of course plays a huge role in your life, just like your childhood but that doesnt mean you have to be trapped in a dynamic that is not working.So how can you really fault him when this is the way he was raised? Seriously, that is the only life he has ever seen! In a way if you've known him this long, you should have seen this way before marriage and know that he would probably be that way.
One he probably sees what his mom does for a living and then still does everything at home. Then when he sees you at home all day (believe me I know we aren't eating bon-bons) but then you want him to help, he seriously isn't going to get it.
Two, even though he lives here, he still is very strong in his culture. Believe me I am married to someone from another culture and they so want to hang on to "The ways back home" and back home is still here in the states but everyone from the same culture lived there.
Now that I hear about his background, I can't really fault him. He was raised that way and sounds like his whole family does it the same way. Probably no changing him anytime soon.
cheerfuldom 01:19 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Ariana:
What's wrong with wanting a career and expecting your husband to do his family duties? Who cares if the traditional roles went on for 40 years. Men are intelligent enough to know that they don't live 40 years ago they live NOW. There are too many women feeling guilty for requiring more from their husbands because of statements like you've made.
I breastfed my child and my husband opens jars. Pretty much everything else I can do and he can do. My husband is very nurturing. Most men are not nurturing, not because they weren't made that way, but because it was never modeled for them by their own fathers.
AMEN sister!What's wrong with wanting a career and expecting your husband to do his family duties? Who cares if the traditional roles went on for 40 years. Men are intelligent enough to know that they don't live 40 years ago they live NOW. There are too many women feeling guilty for requiring more from their husbands because of statements like you've made.
I breastfed my child and my husband opens jars. Pretty much everything else I can do and he can do. My husband is very nurturing. Most men are not nurturing, not because they weren't made that way, but because it was never modeled for them by their own fathers.
AmyLeigh 01:20 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
It doesnt sound like the OP is being silent When someone is shouting at you "HELP!" then I think it is safe to assume that they need help. I absolutely agree that respectful communication is the best way to go though. Congrats on 18 years together! It sounds like you have really figured out things in your own relationship but please remember that each other person has a different dynamic. What worked for you and your hubby may not be what works for them and thats okay.
Amen!! It doesnt sound like the OP is being silent
When someone is shouting at you "HELP!" then I think it is safe to assume that they need help. I absolutely agree that respectful communication is the best way to go though. Congrats on 18 years together! It sounds like you have really figured out things in your own relationship but please remember that each other person has a different dynamic. What worked for you and your hubby may not be what works for them and thats okay.I love it when we get good debates going without hurting each other's feelings, don't you?? It's better than "the wheels on the bus go round and round...."
AmyLeigh 01:22 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Ariana:
What's wrong with wanting a career and expecting your husband to do his family duties?
The exact same thing that is wrong with wanting old-fashioned values and lifestyle. Absolutely nothing. What's wrong with wanting a career and expecting your husband to do his family duties?
Believe me, it's not just working mom's that have been made guilty by others. Stay at home moms get it too. It's an ongoing debate that will not end until we all learn to play together nicely.
Michael 04:24 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by SunshineMama:
That "tough job" he does now... I filled out all of the applications and did all of the pre-job online screenings for him. Sigh...
I have to chime in here. I am not taking sides but this line made me stop. I think you are enabling some of his behaviour. It would have been better to "help" him fill out his applications and pre-job online screenings. That "tough job" he does now... I filled out all of the applications and did all of the pre-job online screenings for him. Sigh...
laundrymom 04:30 PM 03-22-2012
Can I just give Nan a high five!?!?!?
Originally Posted by nannyde:
It's not "help". That's where your mindset is off.
It's his JOB. He's not "helping" when he cares for his kids and does housework and cooking. He's doing his JOB.
Does he tell his friends that you "help" him care for the kids or "help" him do houswork? Would he EVER say that phrase?
Time for you to tell him that you are going to start dumping day care kids so you can have the time it takes every day to do his JOB. If it means dropping every kid so all you have are your own kids then so be it.
Start dropping the kids that put you into the past nine/ten hours a day hours and go from there.
He is a grown man. He doesn't need coaching or nagging. He needs to learn to do the hard WORK of child care and household duties. You have learned.. so can he. The ploy of begrudgingly doing it incorrectly IS the same tactic that men have been using for decades to get out of their job. He didn't invent it, it's just what works.
It's not "help". That's where your mindset is off.
It's his JOB. He's not "helping" when he cares for his kids and does housework and cooking. He's doing his JOB.
Does he tell his friends that you "help" him care for the kids or "help" him do houswork? Would he EVER say that phrase?
Time for you to tell him that you are going to start dumping day care kids so you can have the time it takes every day to do his JOB. If it means dropping every kid so all you have are your own kids then so be it.
Start dropping the kids that put you into the past nine/ten hours a day hours and go from there.
He is a grown man. He doesn't need coaching or nagging. He needs to learn to do the hard WORK of child care and household duties. You have learned.. so can he. The ploy of begrudgingly doing it incorrectly IS the same tactic that men have been using for decades to get out of their job. He didn't invent it, it's just what works.
SunshineMama 04:44 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Michael:
I have to chime in here. I am not taking sides but this line made me stop. I think you are enabling some of his behaviour. It would have been better to "help" him fill out his applications and pre-job online screenings.
You are correct Michael! I have enabled a lot of this behavior and need to step back on a lot to let him do these things himself. All behaviors I need to change within myself I have to chime in here. I am not taking sides but this line made me stop. I think you are enabling some of his behaviour. It would have been better to "help" him fill out his applications and pre-job online screenings.
Country Kids 04:47 PM 03-22-2012
I have thought about this thread alot today! It makes me sad for some reason and I'm not sure why.
Divorce rates are higher then ever and I think we are going to start coming to the time where there will be fewer and fewer 25, 50, and higher celebrations of marriage. Most people these days are lucky to get to 5 or 10 years of marriage.
Its so easy to get a divorce these days that no one wants to try it seems. I think what seemed unfair in this was everyone blamed the husband right away. We knew nothing about him yet were very quick to throw stones. Once I read about his culture I was understanding more of the situation.
When my hubby and I were getting married we didn't exactly pass the premarriage conseling classes. They said because of two different cultures, religions, up bringings, families, etc. we were not going to make it! We went ahead and became married. Has it been easy no, but we proved everyone wrong and have been married wow almost 22 years!
This afternoon I was thinking about some couples we know. One couple the couple both works. Wife doesn't cook, clean, laundry, you get the picture. The husband does it all. Another couple the husband is a stay at home father/husband. Wife loves it because everything is done when she gets home. The husband would actually like to go back to work because he's getting pretty bored but he can't find a job. Let me ask you-are these wife wrong? I bet you dollars to donuts if they were men they would be!
Divorce rates are higher then ever and I think we are going to start coming to the time where there will be fewer and fewer 25, 50, and higher celebrations of marriage. Most people these days are lucky to get to 5 or 10 years of marriage.
Its so easy to get a divorce these days that no one wants to try it seems. I think what seemed unfair in this was everyone blamed the husband right away. We knew nothing about him yet were very quick to throw stones. Once I read about his culture I was understanding more of the situation.
When my hubby and I were getting married we didn't exactly pass the premarriage conseling classes. They said because of two different cultures, religions, up bringings, families, etc. we were not going to make it! We went ahead and became married. Has it been easy no, but we proved everyone wrong and have been married wow almost 22 years!
This afternoon I was thinking about some couples we know. One couple the couple both works. Wife doesn't cook, clean, laundry, you get the picture. The husband does it all. Another couple the husband is a stay at home father/husband. Wife loves it because everything is done when she gets home. The husband would actually like to go back to work because he's getting pretty bored but he can't find a job. Let me ask you-are these wife wrong? I bet you dollars to donuts if they were men they would be!
SunshineMama 04:52 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by laundrymom:
Can I just give Nan a high five!?!?!?
I second that! That woman is a straight shooter with a lot of good advice all around. I have definitely turned into a Nanny De fan after reading her advice throughout this forum.Can I just give Nan a high five!?!?!?
SunshineMama 05:05 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Country Kids:
I have thought about this thread alot today! It makes me sad for some reason and I'm not sure why.
Divorce rates are higher then ever and I think we are going to start coming to the time where there will be fewer and fewer 25, 50, and higher celebrations of marriage. Most people these days are lucky to get to 5 or 10 years of marriage.
Its so easy to get a divorce these days that no one wants to try it seems. I think what seemed unfair in this was everyone blamed the husband right away. We knew nothing about him yet were very quick to throw stones. Once I read about his culture I was understanding more of the situation.
When my hubby and I were getting married we didn't exactly pass the premarriage conseling classes. They said because of two different cultures, religions, up bringings, families, etc. we were not going to make it! We went ahead and became married. Has it been easy no, but we proved everyone wrong and have been married wow almost 22 years!
This afternoon I was thinking about some couples we know. One couple the couple both works. Wife doesn't cook, clean, laundry, you get the picture. The husband does it all. Another couple the husband is a stay at home father/husband. Wife loves it because everything is done when she gets home. The husband would actually like to go back to work because he's getting pretty bored but he can't find a job. Let me ask you-are these wife wrong? I bet you dollars to donuts if they were men they would be!
Unfortunately, divorce rates ARE high. The #1 predictor of divorce rate (90% predicton rate, according to the doctor who conducted the study) is whether or not the wife feels like she is being "heard." I have thought about this thread alot today! It makes me sad for some reason and I'm not sure why.
Divorce rates are higher then ever and I think we are going to start coming to the time where there will be fewer and fewer 25, 50, and higher celebrations of marriage. Most people these days are lucky to get to 5 or 10 years of marriage.
Its so easy to get a divorce these days that no one wants to try it seems. I think what seemed unfair in this was everyone blamed the husband right away. We knew nothing about him yet were very quick to throw stones. Once I read about his culture I was understanding more of the situation.
When my hubby and I were getting married we didn't exactly pass the premarriage conseling classes. They said because of two different cultures, religions, up bringings, families, etc. we were not going to make it! We went ahead and became married. Has it been easy no, but we proved everyone wrong and have been married wow almost 22 years!
This afternoon I was thinking about some couples we know. One couple the couple both works. Wife doesn't cook, clean, laundry, you get the picture. The husband does it all. Another couple the husband is a stay at home father/husband. Wife loves it because everything is done when she gets home. The husband would actually like to go back to work because he's getting pretty bored but he can't find a job. Let me ask you-are these wife wrong? I bet you dollars to donuts if they were men they would be!
My situation is both of our faults. DH came to America when he was a child so he has had experience within our culture enough to know better, and like Michael said, it is my fault for enabling some of the behavior.
We have been together since high school, and have done a lot of growing up together. I made mistakes. He made mistakes. We both learn from them and move on. The current issue, his lack of helping me out, is just another bump in the road that we will get over. I am confident we would never divorce, however I am also confident that I will sizzle and burn out if I have to keep my current work load. After reading the many posts, I did look at our situation from a more cultural point of view, and when we are able to have the time to sit down and talk, I am going to take a more understanding approach, while still holding my ground that he is going to have to chip in more and help me out.
Now... if only I can get some alone time with him. Family is a big part of his culture and at least 1 member of his family is hanging out at our house 4 evenings a week.
Ariana 07:06 PM 03-22-2012
Actually divorce rates AREN'T any higher. The study that has been so widely publicized was flawed and apparently only took into account the first 5 years of marriage and incidents of divorce. I just pulled this from a site but this is what I learned in my uni course as well. The figure is based on a simple - and flawed - calculation: the annual marriage rate per 1,000 people compared with the annual divorce rate. In 2003, for example, the most recent year for which data is available, there were 7.5 marriages per 1,000 people and 3.8 divorces, according to the National Center for Health Statistics.
But researchers say that this is misleading because the people who are divorcing in any given year are not the same as those who are marrying, and that the statistic is virtually useless in understanding divorce rates. Even though less people are getting married today, this won't be reflected in the divorce rate until years down the line (when those getting married today are getting divorced). I would also add that divorce rates differ for different socioeconomic classes as well. Educated people are only 17% likely to divorce. So many issues with this study!!
I just learned in a uni course I'm taking that the 3 reasons for relationship dissatisfaction are:
-male impulsivity
-male neuroticism
-female neuroticism
I think the impulsivity they speak of here is "doing what you want when you want to do it" mentality. Doing what feels right in the moment and not considering long term consequences and impacts of those decisions on their partner.
I can cite all of this information but my book is upstairs and I'm lazy!! let me know if anyone wants the info
But researchers say that this is misleading because the people who are divorcing in any given year are not the same as those who are marrying, and that the statistic is virtually useless in understanding divorce rates. Even though less people are getting married today, this won't be reflected in the divorce rate until years down the line (when those getting married today are getting divorced). I would also add that divorce rates differ for different socioeconomic classes as well. Educated people are only 17% likely to divorce. So many issues with this study!!
I just learned in a uni course I'm taking that the 3 reasons for relationship dissatisfaction are:
-male impulsivity
-male neuroticism
-female neuroticism
I think the impulsivity they speak of here is "doing what you want when you want to do it" mentality. Doing what feels right in the moment and not considering long term consequences and impacts of those decisions on their partner.
I can cite all of this information but my book is upstairs and I'm lazy!! let me know if anyone wants the info
AmyLeigh 07:22 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Ariana:
I can cite all of this information but my book is upstairs and I'm lazy!! let me know if anyone wants the info
I am really interested. Can you send it when convenient for you? Thanks so much.I can cite all of this information but my book is upstairs and I'm lazy!! let me know if anyone wants the info
Greenplasticwateringcans 10:29 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Or maybe he doesn't want to do the HARD work that is caring for young children, cooking, cleaning, laundry all at the same time.
I believe that most men that don't want to participate as equal workers in these life responsibilities don't want to do the work. It's hard. It can be very boring. It's endless and the things that work one day won't work the next. They all have to be done at the same time and it's ever changing.
Stuff like putting kids to bed without changing them into jammies and cleaning them before bed isn't a MAN thing. it's a "I don't want to do it" thing.
We need to stop making silly excuses for it. There's no such thing as man work or woman work unless BOTH partners agree to it. Then it's a family decision. I don't think most women today... specially women who are doing the HARD work of child care... would believe that a man couldn't do exactly what she does by practice, knowledge seeking, and a good work ethic.
There's nothing I do in a course of the day that a man couldn't do. It has nothing to do with gender. It's just WORK and you have to DO it to be good at it.
This, this, and more this!Or maybe he doesn't want to do the HARD work that is caring for young children, cooking, cleaning, laundry all at the same time.
I believe that most men that don't want to participate as equal workers in these life responsibilities don't want to do the work. It's hard. It can be very boring. It's endless and the things that work one day won't work the next. They all have to be done at the same time and it's ever changing.
Stuff like putting kids to bed without changing them into jammies and cleaning them before bed isn't a MAN thing. it's a "I don't want to do it" thing.
We need to stop making silly excuses for it. There's no such thing as man work or woman work unless BOTH partners agree to it. Then it's a family decision. I don't think most women today... specially women who are doing the HARD work of child care... would believe that a man couldn't do exactly what she does by practice, knowledge seeking, and a good work ethic.
There's nothing I do in a course of the day that a man couldn't do. It has nothing to do with gender. It's just WORK and you have to DO it to be good at it.
I can not believe some of the excuses some of you are coddling your husbands with!
Greenplasticwateringcans 10:34 PM 03-22-2012
Originally Posted by Country Kids:
There is a difference between being lazy and not being created to do things.
Men are not created to be nurturing, women are. Women are not made to be physical, men are.
Things all changed in the 50-70's when women wanted what the men had and then it has been a downward spiral. Seriously, women want it all-a career, husband, kids, a big house somewhere, the men to do some of the work in the home because I work to you know.
Whats sad is men didn't ask women to go into the work force. Now for 1-2 generations they here how lazy they are because they don't do enough around the house. Seriously, it has only been 40 years or so that alot of women have worked outsided the home-hundreds of years before that mainly only men worked outside the homes. Your not going to change things overnight that went the same way for hundreds of years.
I wasn't asked if I wanted to be a working mom-society made it so that it takes literally two incomes to survive. I would be more then happy staying at home, taking care of the house, family, all that while my hubby worked and brought the paycheck home.
What?There is a difference between being lazy and not being created to do things.
Men are not created to be nurturing, women are. Women are not made to be physical, men are.
Things all changed in the 50-70's when women wanted what the men had and then it has been a downward spiral. Seriously, women want it all-a career, husband, kids, a big house somewhere, the men to do some of the work in the home because I work to you know.
Whats sad is men didn't ask women to go into the work force. Now for 1-2 generations they here how lazy they are because they don't do enough around the house. Seriously, it has only been 40 years or so that alot of women have worked outsided the home-hundreds of years before that mainly only men worked outside the homes. Your not going to change things overnight that went the same way for hundreds of years.
I wasn't asked if I wanted to be a working mom-society made it so that it takes literally two incomes to survive. I would be more then happy staying at home, taking care of the house, family, all that while my hubby worked and brought the paycheck home.
Really?
Stop making excuses for men and stereotyping women. Unless someone was born 70+ years ago there is no reason to keep perpetuating anything of what you posted.
cheerfuldom 05:41 AM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by Greenplasticwateringcans:
What?
Really?
Stop making excuses for men and stereotyping women. Unless someone was born 70+ years ago there is no reason to keep perpetuating anything of what you posted.
another great postWhat?
Really?
Stop making excuses for men and stereotyping women. Unless someone was born 70+ years ago there is no reason to keep perpetuating anything of what you posted.
Country Kids 06:38 AM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by Greenplasticwateringcans:
What?
Really?
Stop making excuses for men and stereotyping women. Unless someone was born 70+ years ago there is no reason to keep perpetuating anything of what you posted.
Well since my parents/aunts/uncles are all 70+ guess what-I was raised by that generation and thinking that way. I would actually be the first generation that would be doing the shared chore thing. Not everyone on the forum is in their 20's. What?
Really?
Stop making excuses for men and stereotyping women. Unless someone was born 70+ years ago there is no reason to keep perpetuating anything of what you posted.
I grew up in the era boys played with guns, girls with dolls. Kids played outside from dawn to dusk.
Then when we started getting older (high school) we started hearing go to college, get a degree, be a working mom, do it all or split the chores with hubby. This was new to alot of us as most of us had moms that stayed home. Even the ones that had a mom that worked outside the home still came home, put dinner on the table, did all the household chores. Kids pitched in to help also. Hubbies were working in workshops, working outside, watching the evening news. Some did help their wives but it wasn't the norm.
My generation was probably the first that had career women and the type of woman that tried to do it all! Childcare became necessary for kids, working late, fast food, working for lots of material things. Oh, yes, we had no one to show us how to do it because the generation before had more gender roles.
Here we are a generation or two later-most every household has two working parents, alot of kids eat fast food for sometimes two meals, there is no disciplilne, kids don't do chores, there is a lack of disrespect, most kids are being raised in childcare, you can sue someone because they looked at you wrong or yes, lets not forget kids have the same rights as parents, and yes, if your kindergartener doesn't have a cell phone, what kind of parent are you.
What I'm trying to say is-I believe we pushed for things to fast without knowing what we were really getting into. Now, everyone is overworked,underpaid, and no one still seems to be happy!
MsMe 07:31 AM 03-23-2012
I read this thread yearterday and thought about it all day.
I am 27 and hopefully getting married in the next year (we have been ring shopping for two weeks!)
I love the man I am with dearly and he is a great man. We have talked long and hard about 'roles' in the realationship and decided that traditional roles work best for us. We don't have any children yet and hope that when we do I can be a SHAM.
that said.....
I do more for him than I think even a traditional role requires. I set out his clothes, I bring any and all plates-drinks-and snack to him, his life basicly requires no thought...I plan it all for him. We even got teased endlessly by my family on vacation because, I once pulled a banana out of my backpack and told him it was time for a snack.
Last night as we were laying in bed and he commented that I had changed the blanket on the bed (to a heavier one. We had been sleeping with a lighter one bc it has been so hot, but last night it finaly cooled down) After he talked about it for a while I ask if he wanted the other blanket..."this one is fine" We danced around the issue a while...he wanted the other one but had no intention of getting out of bed himself to get it.
I got up got the blanket and this thread popped into my head....I was creating a MONSTER
I said "You know when we have kids I wont have as much time or energy to baby YOU all the time....then they will need me too." I can't remember his exact response but it was something to the tune of, 'I really love you to take take care of me'. It was a very honest response and a moment when I knew that he really loves the things I do to 'take care' of him.
His childhood was the opposite of the men we have been talking about in this tread. His Mother was kind but other than dinner they did everything themselves and he moved out right after high school and has been on his own since (with a girlfriend or two that from what I can tell didn't sound very nice)...
The main reason I believe with all my heart our realtionship will last is becasue of the book "The Five Love Languages" it really is a life changer, we both know now how to make the love we want to show eachother count as much as it can.
I really feel it should be required reading for ALL couples.
Not that I won't be keeping a close eye on this monster I am creating.....
I am 27 and hopefully getting married in the next year (we have been ring shopping for two weeks!
) I love the man I am with dearly and he is a great man. We have talked long and hard about 'roles' in the realationship and decided that traditional roles work best for us. We don't have any children yet and hope that when we do I can be a SHAM.
that said.....
I do more for him than I think even a traditional role requires. I set out his clothes, I bring any and all plates-drinks-and snack to him, his life basicly requires no thought...I plan it all for him. We even got teased endlessly by my family on vacation because, I once pulled a banana out of my backpack and told him it was time for a snack.
Last night as we were laying in bed and he commented that I had changed the blanket on the bed (to a heavier one. We had been sleeping with a lighter one bc it has been so hot, but last night it finaly cooled down) After he talked about it for a while I ask if he wanted the other blanket..."this one is fine" We danced around the issue a while...he wanted the other one but had no intention of getting out of bed himself to get it.
I got up got the blanket and this thread popped into my head....I was creating a MONSTER
I said "You know when we have kids I wont have as much time or energy to baby YOU all the time....then they will need me too." I can't remember his exact response but it was something to the tune of, 'I really love you to take take care of me'. It was a very honest response and a moment when I knew that he really loves the things I do to 'take care' of him.
His childhood was the opposite of the men we have been talking about in this tread. His Mother was kind but other than dinner they did everything themselves and he moved out right after high school and has been on his own since (with a girlfriend or two that from what I can tell didn't sound very nice)...
The main reason I believe with all my heart our realtionship will last is becasue of the book "The Five Love Languages" it really is a life changer, we both know now how to make the love we want to show eachother count as much as it can.
I really feel it should be required reading for ALL couples.
Not that I won't be keeping a close eye on this monster I am creating.....
AnneCordelia 08:00 AM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by Ariana:
What's wrong with wanting a career and expecting your husband to do his family duties? Who cares if the traditional roles went on for 40 years. Men are intelligent enough to know that they don't live 40 years ago they live NOW. There are too many women feeling guilty for requiring more from their husbands because of statements like you've made.
I breastfed my child and my husband opens jars. Pretty much everything else I can do and he can do. My husband is very nurturing. Most men are not nurturing, not because they weren't made that way, but because it was never modeled for them by their own fathers.
I agree!!What's wrong with wanting a career and expecting your husband to do his family duties? Who cares if the traditional roles went on for 40 years. Men are intelligent enough to know that they don't live 40 years ago they live NOW. There are too many women feeling guilty for requiring more from their husbands because of statements like you've made.
I breastfed my child and my husband opens jars. Pretty much everything else I can do and he can do. My husband is very nurturing. Most men are not nurturing, not because they weren't made that way, but because it was never modeled for them by their own fathers.
And why do the men get excused because "things have changed" but I don't get excused from the work? LIke the PP said, society thrust me into the position of having to be a working mom...I certainly didn't ask for it. However, I have taken that responsibility and run with it because it is best for my family. Men might not have asked to help with the 'nurturing' and home care, however it is what today's society requires of them for an equal partnership within the family. I step up, and I expect my husband to step up too. Neither of us can shirk our responsibilities and get away with blaming the women's movement 40 years ago. Regardless, the work still needs to be done and I refuse to be a martyr for my husband.
Blackcat31 08:12 AM 03-23-2012
(...again, I have to hug my DH)
I just wanted to comment on the fact that my DH is my partner in everything because his mother raised him to be that way. She had 5 boys and each of them learned to take care of themselves. She taught them how to cook, how to clean and even how to sew. She taught her boys the same skills everyone should know how to do. Self sufficiency skills. They knew how to shop for both groceries and tires. They knew how to clean a cut and bandage it properly as well as how to change the oil. They were taught how to clean the bathroom as well as mowing the lawn. She taught them to know how to fix the washing machine and how to use it too.
My DH's mother ran a 24 hour daycare so they also learned how to care for babies and help toddlers too. They learned things from their mother and I for one appreciate that ALOT.
I am not my MIL's biggest fan but I will give her credit until the day I die that she raised a great man.
We didn't split our chore lists up or delegate roles as to who was suppose to do what or anything like that. We simply learned to do what needed to get done and do it. He doesn't wait for me to wash his work clothes (he knows how to himself) and I wouldn't dream of just sitting back and waiting for him to change my oil (I know how to do that myself) but we do let each other do the things we are both best at or prefer to do. I HATE changing the oil so he does it, I usually do the laundry because I like my favorite clothing items to be available when I want them...LOL!!
Either way, what I am trying to say is we don't have designated roles or duties in our relationship. We BOTH simply do what needs to get done. Neither of us waits for the other to do "our job".
This is all stuff we discussed BEFORE marriage, BEFORE kids, and long BEFORE we ever lived together. As a matter of fact, I think we talked about this kind of thing over our lunch period 4th hour of our senior year.
I just wanted to comment on the fact that my DH is my partner in everything because his mother raised him to be that way. She had 5 boys and each of them learned to take care of themselves. She taught them how to cook, how to clean and even how to sew. She taught her boys the same skills everyone should know how to do. Self sufficiency skills. They knew how to shop for both groceries and tires. They knew how to clean a cut and bandage it properly as well as how to change the oil. They were taught how to clean the bathroom as well as mowing the lawn. She taught them to know how to fix the washing machine and how to use it too.
My DH's mother ran a 24 hour daycare so they also learned how to care for babies and help toddlers too. They learned things from their mother and I for one appreciate that ALOT.
I am not my MIL's biggest fan but I will give her credit until the day I die that she raised a great man.
We didn't split our chore lists up or delegate roles as to who was suppose to do what or anything like that. We simply learned to do what needed to get done and do it. He doesn't wait for me to wash his work clothes (he knows how to himself) and I wouldn't dream of just sitting back and waiting for him to change my oil (I know how to do that myself) but we do let each other do the things we are both best at or prefer to do. I HATE changing the oil so he does it, I usually do the laundry because I like my favorite clothing items to be available when I want them...LOL!!
Either way, what I am trying to say is we don't have designated roles or duties in our relationship. We BOTH simply do what needs to get done. Neither of us waits for the other to do "our job".
This is all stuff we discussed BEFORE marriage, BEFORE kids, and long BEFORE we ever lived together. As a matter of fact, I think we talked about this kind of thing over our lunch period 4th hour of our senior year.
DCBlessings27 08:20 AM 03-23-2012
I am in my 20s, and I've only been married for 5 years...but I thought I'd chime in. Get rid of the excuses or unspoken expectations and communicate. I've learned that my marriage requires a lot of give and take. I believe that my husband and I ebb and flow well. He does understand how hard it is to do daycare because he was laid off for a month 1.5 years ago. He got to be home and witness what I do all day.
The OP sounds as if she does a lot of giving, and her hubby just takes instead of giving back enough. I understand that some of it might be cultural, but her hubby didn't marry his mother's clone--he married SunshineMama. With communication, he can learn that SunshineMama needs XYZ.
My mil was a sahm throughout his childhood. She was raised by grandparents, so she does the traditional cooking, cleaning, taking care of house, etc while my fil sits in his chair. She didn't really require my husband to do many chores/things for himself. For example, he doesn't know how to sew on a button. MY dad taught me that. Instead of doing it for him, I showed him how to do it. After weekly Sunday lunches at my in-laws, the women are expected to place the food on the table and clear the dishes. The men just sit at the table while this happens or leave the table to watch tv. I made it known to my husband that he has 2 perfectly good arms and legs. He can help, and he does. I communicated to him that I would like for him to help out--not only for me but for his mom and sister.
Like Nan said, nothing I do can't be done by dh. Nothing he does can't be done by me. Since we work well together, we share in household duties. Sure, I run the dishwasher more because I have to do daycare dishes. But, he comes home from work and helps out with dd or cooking/cleaning. Dh even helps out when he works 12-14 hours a day. (He's a creative director for a marketing agency, so his job isn't physical but still draining.) We don't have roles in our marriage. I mow the lawn more than he does, but it's good exercise. I don't really mind. We share in work inside and outside the house as well as sharing in taking care of our dd. He doesn't like to grocery shop, but he does it with me because he works such long hours sometimes and wants to spend time with me.
The OP sounds as if she does a lot of giving, and her hubby just takes instead of giving back enough. I understand that some of it might be cultural, but her hubby didn't marry his mother's clone--he married SunshineMama. With communication, he can learn that SunshineMama needs XYZ.
My mil was a sahm throughout his childhood. She was raised by grandparents, so she does the traditional cooking, cleaning, taking care of house, etc while my fil sits in his chair. She didn't really require my husband to do many chores/things for himself. For example, he doesn't know how to sew on a button. MY dad taught me that. Instead of doing it for him, I showed him how to do it. After weekly Sunday lunches at my in-laws, the women are expected to place the food on the table and clear the dishes. The men just sit at the table while this happens or leave the table to watch tv. I made it known to my husband that he has 2 perfectly good arms and legs. He can help, and he does. I communicated to him that I would like for him to help out--not only for me but for his mom and sister.
Like Nan said, nothing I do can't be done by dh. Nothing he does can't be done by me. Since we work well together, we share in household duties. Sure, I run the dishwasher more because I have to do daycare dishes. But, he comes home from work and helps out with dd or cooking/cleaning. Dh even helps out when he works 12-14 hours a day. (He's a creative director for a marketing agency, so his job isn't physical but still draining.) We don't have roles in our marriage. I mow the lawn more than he does, but it's good exercise. I don't really mind. We share in work inside and outside the house as well as sharing in taking care of our dd. He doesn't like to grocery shop, but he does it with me because he works such long hours sometimes and wants to spend time with me.
Michael 09:58 AM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by MsMe:
We danced around the issue a while...he wanted the other one but had no intention of getting out of bed himself to get it.
I got up got the blanket and this thread popped into my head....I was creating a MONSTER
This line cracked me up. We danced around the issue a while...he wanted the other one but had no intention of getting out of bed himself to get it.
I got up got the blanket and this thread popped into my head....I was creating a MONSTER
I'm glad this forum is making an impression.
MsMe 10:39 AM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by Michael:
This line cracked me up. I'm glad this forum is making an impression.
OH it is!!! Daycare.com has changed everything for the better!! I was on my last nerve when I found this site and it saved my daycare!!! I enjoy teh women here. I love the daycare advice adn support and I also love threads lke this that talk about personal issues as well.This line cracked me up.
I'm glad this forum is making an impression.
My3cents 10:52 AM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by cheerfuldom:
"No it's not just a male thing. But the male ego is more fragile than we realize. Women just hate to admit it. If they admit it, then they would have to treat their men better."
wow Amy...dont even want to respond to that but I will....it is very convenient for men to use the "ego is fragile" card. Maybe it is but my point is, EVERY person needs some appreciation and tenderness. How can you read the OP's vent and not feel some sort of compassion for her situation? How can you not at least hold her husband to some accountability for this situation? Sure his ego may be fragile, maybe his feelings are hurt and he is being underappreciated, maybe the OP could be doing this or that to change things....no one is disputing that possibility. What most of us are saying though is that he DOES have some of the burden in finding a solution to this problem. He can't just bury his head in the sand and go hid because his ego has been hurt. What kind of man sits by, heads out to play basketball with his buddies, when his wife is exhausted and hurting and alone to do yet more work? He's not blind. He can't be oblivious to what she is going through right now.
"No it's not just a male thing. But the male ego is more fragile than we realize. Women just hate to admit it. If they admit it, then they would have to treat their men better."
wow Amy...dont even want to respond to that but I will
....it is very convenient for men to use the "ego is fragile" card. Maybe it is but my point is, EVERY person needs some appreciation and tenderness. How can you read the OP's vent and not feel some sort of compassion for her situation? How can you not at least hold her husband to some accountability for this situation? Sure his ego may be fragile, maybe his feelings are hurt and he is being underappreciated, maybe the OP could be doing this or that to change things....no one is disputing that possibility. What most of us are saying though is that he DOES have some of the burden in finding a solution to this problem. He can't just bury his head in the sand and go hid because his ego has been hurt. What kind of man sits by, heads out to play basketball with his buddies, when his wife is exhausted and hurting and alone to do yet more work? He's not blind. He can't be oblivious to what she is going through right now.Many men are like this. They feel entitled to a life with out the wife. UGH!!!
My3cents 10:58 AM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
Yes I understand that. My point was that they had roles. they were defined, there was no question about them.
YOu took care of your role and the other person took care of theirs.
AND some women did work in the 1950's, just not many of them did. My mom's mother was a nurse in the 1940s. She still did her role and my grandpa did his. They were married for 62 years.
I think it could be defined real quick.......GET OFF YOUR BLEEP AND START HELPING OUT IN THE HOUSE YOU LIVE INYes I understand that. My point was that they had roles. they were defined, there was no question about them.
YOu took care of your role and the other person took care of theirs.
AND some women did work in the 1950's, just not many of them did. My mom's mother was a nurse in the 1940s. She still did her role and my grandpa did his. They were married for 62 years.
It is simple.......if you don't want to help out and have pride in the house you live in good luck finding someone to do it all for you. I am not that person. Make a decision. Goes back to having a backbone. On the flip side of it, make sure your doing your part. For me personally we don't keep a tally, we just both try to do our best and leave the rest.
My3cents 11:06 AM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by AmyLeigh:
Compassion? Yup. More like empathy. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt in therapy. It was an issue that my therapist and I discussed at length. I have a long history of being overwhelmed and underappreciated. It's not about him. It's about what I do in response to my feelings. How I approach him when asking for help. I had to take responsibility for my feelings before expecting him to take responsibility in the situation. You can't change another person. You can only change how you treat them. You say that he has some responsibility in finding a solution to the problem. What if he doesn't realize there is a problem? Maybe he is that oblivious. Many a man has been blind sided by their wives yelling at them, or even leaving because they couldn't take it anymore. When we suffer in silence, then we can't assume that the man in our lives is sitting there thinking, 'haha, got her to do all the dishes, laundry, deal with the kids, and I get to play basketball with my buddies.' Nope. He's thinking, "basketball." They are not mind readers. They see us handling it all so well, it doesn't even come on their radar that we may want them to take over some of the responsibilities.
It all comes down to open, calm, respectful communication. OP posted that she is going to do this.
They are when it suits them. Why do you have to tell your partner to do things that he knows needs to be done. I agree you need to talk and have good communication but when the trash stinks and they smell it too, no.....get off your bleep and help out. I think a lot of women don't want to rock the boat in fear of hub leaving them, or for the sake of the kids......or its womens work. Many men to this day still believe women should do this or that.......and take off their boots when they come home and have a hot meal on the table. Bullbleep- I believe they see us handing it so well and know they have it good so why bother.... I am lucky I have a great hubby.Compassion? Yup. More like empathy. Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt in therapy. It was an issue that my therapist and I discussed at length. I have a long history of being overwhelmed and underappreciated. It's not about him. It's about what I do in response to my feelings. How I approach him when asking for help. I had to take responsibility for my feelings before expecting him to take responsibility in the situation. You can't change another person. You can only change how you treat them. You say that he has some responsibility in finding a solution to the problem. What if he doesn't realize there is a problem? Maybe he is that oblivious. Many a man has been blind sided by their wives yelling at them, or even leaving because they couldn't take it anymore. When we suffer in silence, then we can't assume that the man in our lives is sitting there thinking, 'haha, got her to do all the dishes, laundry, deal with the kids, and I get to play basketball with my buddies.' Nope. He's thinking, "basketball."
They are not mind readers. They see us handling it all so well, it doesn't even come on their radar that we may want them to take over some of the responsibilities.It all comes down to open, calm, respectful communication. OP posted that she is going to do this.
My3cents 11:13 AM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by nannyde:
Or maybe he doesn't want to do the HARD work that is caring for young children, cooking, cleaning, laundry all at the same time.
I believe that most men that don't want to participate as equal workers in these life responsibilities don't want to do the work. It's hard. It can be very boring. It's endless and the things that work one day won't work the next. They all have to be done at the same time and it's ever changing.
Stuff like putting kids to bed without changing them into jammies and cleaning them before bed isn't a MAN thing. it's a "I don't want to do it" thing.
We need to stop making silly excuses for it. There's no such thing as man work or woman work unless BOTH partners agree to it. Then it's a family decision. I don't think most women today... specially women who are doing the HARD work of child care... would believe that a man couldn't do exactly what she does by practice, knowledge seeking, and a good work ethic.
There's nothing I do in a course of the day that a man couldn't do. It has nothing to do with gender. It's just WORK and you have to DO it to be good at it.
My husband works hard..... but he see's so many young men coming into work that have family's to take care of and they last a day and are done, some walk out. Not all......but a lot!!! Young kids that can't keep up. They are lazy, don't want to listen to authority, rules, and can't get out of bed in the morning. Sad. It's easier for them to go get assistance then it is to hold down a job. Nan is right, it is work, boring, tiring(won't leave any time to play video games, or whatnot) they would just rather have another kid and get more money from the state. SAD Government will give you more then a hard working job will these days- so why bother.Or maybe he doesn't want to do the HARD work that is caring for young children, cooking, cleaning, laundry all at the same time.
I believe that most men that don't want to participate as equal workers in these life responsibilities don't want to do the work. It's hard. It can be very boring. It's endless and the things that work one day won't work the next. They all have to be done at the same time and it's ever changing.
Stuff like putting kids to bed without changing them into jammies and cleaning them before bed isn't a MAN thing. it's a "I don't want to do it" thing.
We need to stop making silly excuses for it. There's no such thing as man work or woman work unless BOTH partners agree to it. Then it's a family decision. I don't think most women today... specially women who are doing the HARD work of child care... would believe that a man couldn't do exactly what she does by practice, knowledge seeking, and a good work ethic.
There's nothing I do in a course of the day that a man couldn't do. It has nothing to do with gender. It's just WORK and you have to DO it to be good at it.
daycare 11:19 AM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by My3cents:
I think it could be defined real quick.......GET OFF YOUR BLEEP AND START HELPING OUT IN THE HOUSE YOU LIVE IN
It is simple.......if you don't want to help out and have pride in the house you live in good luck finding someone to do it all for you. I am not that person. Make a decision. Goes back to having a backbone. On the flip side of it, make sure your doing your part. For me personally we don't keep a tally, we just both try to do our best and leave the rest.
my3cents....I think it could be defined real quick.......GET OFF YOUR BLEEP AND START HELPING OUT IN THE HOUSE YOU LIVE IN
It is simple.......if you don't want to help out and have pride in the house you live in good luck finding someone to do it all for you. I am not that person. Make a decision. Goes back to having a backbone. On the flip side of it, make sure your doing your part. For me personally we don't keep a tally, we just both try to do our best and leave the rest.
I do understand what you are saying...Get off your butt and do it...Easier said than done. Although, that is what we are striving for.
I think that this thread is hardly understood by many unless you truly understand that cultural differences can cause a lot of strain on a relationship.
Just so happens that the OP and I have married into the same culture, one that is well known for the mothers and fathers doing everything for their children, even in to adult hood. they have no sense of reality or what it takes to run a house hold, because their parents enabled them . I have yet to completely understand why parents of this culture do this, but I am trying.
When you are dealing with cultural differences, it takes a lot of communication, compromising, teaching, accepting, and discovering. How can you expect someone to do something, if they have never had to do it their entire life? YOu have to show them and tell them your expectations and it all takes time.
My husband is far from lazy, he has worked his tail end off, up until his acceptance into medical school. Now that he is home more, I have expectation from him I didn't before. I have to remind him all of the time what his role is in our house.
We do share the responsibilities for the most part now, and we work together. BUT he still is clueless about a lot of stuff. Saddest part is that he is 40 years old. He does not even know how to apply for a credit card......Obvioulsy, my husband is not stupid, he was never taught how because his mom did (and sometimes) does it all for him.
I think I can speak on the OPs behalf as well when I say that I have had to force my husband to grow up and take on adult responsibilities and learn about reality.
Ugh I got side tracked here
SunshineMama 11:52 AM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by daycare:
my3cents....
I do understand what you are saying...Get off your butt and do it...Easier said than done. Although, that is what we are striving for.
I think that this thread is hardly understood by many unless you truly understand that cultural differences can cause a lot of strain on a relationship.
Just so happens that the OP and I have married into the same culture, one that is well known for the mothers and fathers doing everything for their children, even in to adult hood. they have no sense of reality or what it takes to run a house hold, because their parents enabled them . I have yet to completely understand why parents of this culture do this, but I am trying.
When you are dealing with cultural differences, it takes a lot of communication, compromising, teaching, accepting, and discovering. How can you expect someone to do something, if they have never had to do it their entire life? YOu have to show them and tell them your expectations and it all takes time.
My husband is far from lazy, he has worked his tail end off, up until his acceptance into medical school. Now that he is home more, I have expectation from him I didn't before. I have to remind him all of the time what his role is in our house.
We do share the responsibilities for the most part now, and we work together. BUT he still is clueless about a lot of stuff. Saddest part is that he is 40 years old. He does not even know how to apply for a credit card......Obvioulsy, my husband is not stupid, he was never taught how because his mom did (and sometimes) does it all for him.
I think I can speak on the OPs behalf as well when I say that I have had to force my husband to grow up and take on adult responsibilities and learn about reality.
Ugh I got side tracked here
Yes... This exactly!my3cents....
I do understand what you are saying...Get off your butt and do it...Easier said than done. Although, that is what we are striving for.
I think that this thread is hardly understood by many unless you truly understand that cultural differences can cause a lot of strain on a relationship.
Just so happens that the OP and I have married into the same culture, one that is well known for the mothers and fathers doing everything for their children, even in to adult hood. they have no sense of reality or what it takes to run a house hold, because their parents enabled them . I have yet to completely understand why parents of this culture do this, but I am trying.
When you are dealing with cultural differences, it takes a lot of communication, compromising, teaching, accepting, and discovering. How can you expect someone to do something, if they have never had to do it their entire life? YOu have to show them and tell them your expectations and it all takes time.
My husband is far from lazy, he has worked his tail end off, up until his acceptance into medical school. Now that he is home more, I have expectation from him I didn't before. I have to remind him all of the time what his role is in our house.
We do share the responsibilities for the most part now, and we work together. BUT he still is clueless about a lot of stuff. Saddest part is that he is 40 years old. He does not even know how to apply for a credit card......Obvioulsy, my husband is not stupid, he was never taught how because his mom did (and sometimes) does it all for him.
I think I can speak on the OPs behalf as well when I say that I have had to force my husband to grow up and take on adult responsibilities and learn about reality.
Ugh I got side tracked here
cheerfuldom 12:01 PM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by MsMe:
I read this thread yearterday and thought about it all day.
I am 27 and hopefully getting married in the next year (we have been ring shopping for two weeks!)
I love the man I am with dearly and he is a great man. We have talked long and hard about 'roles' in the realationship and decided that traditional roles work best for us. We don't have any children yet and hope that when we do I can be a SHAM.
that said.....
I do more for him than I think even a traditional role requires. I set out his clothes, I bring any and all plates-drinks-and snack to him, his life basicly requires no thought...I plan it all for him. We even got teased endlessly by my family on vacation because, I once pulled a banana out of my backpack and told him it was time for a snack.
Last night as we were laying in bed and he commented that I had changed the blanket on the bed (to a heavier one. We had been sleeping with a lighter one bc it has been so hot, but last night it finaly cooled down) After he talked about it for a while I ask if he wanted the other blanket..."this one is fine" We danced around the issue a while...he wanted the other one but had no intention of getting out of bed himself to get it.
I got up got the blanket and this thread popped into my head....I was creating a MONSTER
I said "You know when we have kids I wont have as much time or energy to baby YOU all the time....then they will need me too." I can't remember his exact response but it was something to the tune of, 'I really love you to take take care of me'. It was a very honest response and a moment when I knew that he really loves the things I do to 'take care' of him.
His childhood was the opposite of the men we have been talking about in this tread. His Mother was kind but other than dinner they did everything themselves and he moved out right after high school and has been on his own since (with a girlfriend or two that from what I can tell didn't sound very nice)...
The main reason I believe with all my heart our realtionship will last is becasue of the book "The Five Love Languages" it really is a life changer, we both know now how to make the love we want to show eachother count as much as it can.
I really feel it should be required reading for ALL couples.
Not that I won't be keeping a close eye on this monster I am creating.....
I really love that book! It has a very realistic approach to finding the arrangement that works for you in your relationship. I dont have any problem with what you do for your husband....if you two are happy and that is what works for you, so be it. But the point I have been saying over and over is that there isnt one arrangement that is the perfect balance of everything for every person. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! I hope you and your husband have many many years together! I think you are very wise in seeing that your relationship WILL evolve as time goes on, as you start a family, if you continue working after children are born and it is important to be aware of communicating as your needs change. The things that you do now for your husband may not be realistic ten years down the road.I read this thread yearterday and thought about it all day.
I am 27 and hopefully getting married in the next year (we have been ring shopping for two weeks!
) I love the man I am with dearly and he is a great man. We have talked long and hard about 'roles' in the realationship and decided that traditional roles work best for us. We don't have any children yet and hope that when we do I can be a SHAM.
that said.....
I do more for him than I think even a traditional role requires. I set out his clothes, I bring any and all plates-drinks-and snack to him, his life basicly requires no thought...I plan it all for him. We even got teased endlessly by my family on vacation because, I once pulled a banana out of my backpack and told him it was time for a snack.
Last night as we were laying in bed and he commented that I had changed the blanket on the bed (to a heavier one. We had been sleeping with a lighter one bc it has been so hot, but last night it finaly cooled down) After he talked about it for a while I ask if he wanted the other blanket..."this one is fine" We danced around the issue a while...he wanted the other one but had no intention of getting out of bed himself to get it.
I got up got the blanket and this thread popped into my head....I was creating a MONSTER
I said "You know when we have kids I wont have as much time or energy to baby YOU all the time....then they will need me too." I can't remember his exact response but it was something to the tune of, 'I really love you to take take care of me'. It was a very honest response and a moment when I knew that he really loves the things I do to 'take care' of him.
His childhood was the opposite of the men we have been talking about in this tread. His Mother was kind but other than dinner they did everything themselves and he moved out right after high school and has been on his own since (with a girlfriend or two that from what I can tell didn't sound very nice)...
The main reason I believe with all my heart our realtionship will last is becasue of the book "The Five Love Languages" it really is a life changer, we both know now how to make the love we want to show eachother count as much as it can.
I really feel it should be required reading for ALL couples.
Not that I won't be keeping a close eye on this monster I am creating.....
cheerfuldom 12:04 PM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by AnneCordelia:
I agree!!
And why do the men get excused because "things have changed" but I don't get excused from the work? LIke the PP said, society thrust me into the position of having to be a working mom...I certainly didn't ask for it. However, I have taken that responsibility and run with it because it is best for my family. Men might not have asked to help with the 'nurturing' and home care, however it is what today's society requires of them for an equal partnership within the family. I step up, and I expect my husband to step up too. Neither of us can shirk our responsibilities and get away with blaming the women's movement 40 years ago. Regardless, the work still needs to be done and I refuse to be a martyr for my husband.
yup yup yup. Several times (in past years, not recently), my husband has tried to pull the "womens work" type thing when chores and children come up. I always say that I would be happy to take over all those things (and I would) assuming I could quit my job of 50 hours a week. Strangely he has never taken me up on that. He doesnt want all the responsibility of the income needed for a family of five....and if I am working daycare, I shouldnt have all the household and family responsibility.I agree!!
And why do the men get excused because "things have changed" but I don't get excused from the work? LIke the PP said, society thrust me into the position of having to be a working mom...I certainly didn't ask for it. However, I have taken that responsibility and run with it because it is best for my family. Men might not have asked to help with the 'nurturing' and home care, however it is what today's society requires of them for an equal partnership within the family. I step up, and I expect my husband to step up too. Neither of us can shirk our responsibilities and get away with blaming the women's movement 40 years ago. Regardless, the work still needs to be done and I refuse to be a martyr for my husband.
cheerfuldom 12:08 PM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by Blackcat31:
(...again, I have to hug my DH)
I just wanted to comment on the fact that my DH is my partner in everything because his mother raised him to be that way. She had 5 boys and each of them learned to take care of themselves. She taught them how to cook, how to clean and even how to sew. She taught her boys the same skills everyone should know how to do. Self sufficiency skills. They knew how to shop for both groceries and tires. They knew how to clean a cut and bandage it properly as well as how to change the oil. They were taught how to clean the bathroom as well as mowing the lawn. She taught them to know how to fix the washing machine and how to use it too.
My DH's mother ran a 24 hour daycare so they also learned how to care for babies and help toddlers too. They learned things from their mother and I for one appreciate that ALOT.
I am not my MIL's biggest fan but I will give her credit until the day I die that she raised a great man.
We didn't split our chore lists up or delegate roles as to who was suppose to do what or anything like that. We simply learned to do what needed to get done and do it. He doesn't wait for me to wash his work clothes (he knows how to himself) and I wouldn't dream of just sitting back and waiting for him to change my oil (I know how to do that myself) but we do let each other do the things we are both best at or prefer to do. I HATE changing the oil so he does it, I usually do the laundry because I like my favorite clothing items to be available when I want them...LOL!!
Either way, what I am trying to say is we don't have designated roles or duties in our relationship. We BOTH simply do what needs to get done. Neither of us waits for the other to do "our job".
This is all stuff we discussed BEFORE marriage, BEFORE kids, and long BEFORE we ever lived together. As a matter of fact, I think we talked about this kind of thing over our lunch period 4th hour of our senior year.
sounds like a great relationship! I love how your MIL raised her kids. I will be teaching my daughters how to do everything that needs to be done in life, not just "womens work" of home and children. I really believe that I would do a disservice to my girls if they were not able to be self sufficient.(...again, I have to hug my DH)
I just wanted to comment on the fact that my DH is my partner in everything because his mother raised him to be that way. She had 5 boys and each of them learned to take care of themselves. She taught them how to cook, how to clean and even how to sew. She taught her boys the same skills everyone should know how to do. Self sufficiency skills. They knew how to shop for both groceries and tires. They knew how to clean a cut and bandage it properly as well as how to change the oil. They were taught how to clean the bathroom as well as mowing the lawn. She taught them to know how to fix the washing machine and how to use it too.
My DH's mother ran a 24 hour daycare so they also learned how to care for babies and help toddlers too. They learned things from their mother and I for one appreciate that ALOT.
I am not my MIL's biggest fan but I will give her credit until the day I die that she raised a great man.
We didn't split our chore lists up or delegate roles as to who was suppose to do what or anything like that. We simply learned to do what needed to get done and do it. He doesn't wait for me to wash his work clothes (he knows how to himself) and I wouldn't dream of just sitting back and waiting for him to change my oil (I know how to do that myself) but we do let each other do the things we are both best at or prefer to do. I HATE changing the oil so he does it, I usually do the laundry because I like my favorite clothing items to be available when I want them...LOL!!
Either way, what I am trying to say is we don't have designated roles or duties in our relationship. We BOTH simply do what needs to get done. Neither of us waits for the other to do "our job".
This is all stuff we discussed BEFORE marriage, BEFORE kids, and long BEFORE we ever lived together. As a matter of fact, I think we talked about this kind of thing over our lunch period 4th hour of our senior year.
cheerfuldom 12:15 PM 03-23-2012
Originally Posted by My3cents:
Many men are like this. They feel entitled to a life with out the wife. UGH!!!
Oh, I agree with you. My question was sarcasm if anything. Any MALE that ditches his wife on a regular basis when he knows she is exhausted and struggling may be a male, but is no kind of man in my book. I realize I have pretty high standard and find my husband to be a great blessing. Now that we are almost 10 years married this summer, he is exactly the husband I always wanted but it does take a lot of communication and work. Sometimes, things are lost in translation from female to male and I find myself saying very clearly "I need help. This is exactly what I need. This is what will happen if I cant get the help I need" so it did take time to get to this point, LOL. I had to learn how he best "hears" me because he really does need simple, clear instructions. He's not stupid by any means, but this is how he best communicates. Took me awhile to get out of the passive-aggressive, martyr type thing that a lot of women seem to fall into naturally.Many men are like this. They feel entitled to a life with out the wife. UGH!!!