I'm so sad...very depressed. I have severe social anxiety, to the point of having anxiety attacks leaving the house. I try my best to hide the awkwardness from the parents but I always eventually fail. They end up leaving because I can't connect with them, Its so hard looking them in the eyes. One parent told me it makes her uneasy since that's what "guilty" people do. I'm not guilty I just...can't. Kids are the only job I know and the only thing I can do without my anxiety being horrible all day. I love the kids! I have no problems when the adults are gone. I keep loosing families, I keep loosing kids I have grown attached to. The only medication that works for me I can't take while kids are in my care or daily at a desk job. I'm just......... I don't know

Reply

I'm sorry....

Would it be manageable if this was something that you were just upfront and open with to the parents right off?

Maybe once you get the family to sign on, have some sort of written letter that explains to parents that you aren't rude, guilty or weird....just that you have trouble communicating and interacting with adults.

Which makes working with kids something you are GREAT at!

Maybe discuss with them that most, if not all of your communicating is done best via texts or e-mails etc.

That drop offs and pick ups are difficult for you but that you are MORE than happy to talk via written word instead.

HOW we communicate isn't always important....just that we DO communicate. kwim?

Basically, I am just wondering if the whole situation wouldn't be more manageable for you and more understandable for your clients if it was something you put out there right from the beginning rather than let the issue slowly cause a decline in the relationship you have with your current families.

Hoping that is maybe helpful

Reply

First, let me encourage you that you are NOT ALONE! It's so easy to feel isolated in this work. Isolation itself can lead to sadness and depression. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Although I don't know you personally, our commonality in loving and caring for kids is enough to know something about you, and that is that you are a special person just by virtue of being able to care for and love kids day in and day out!
Have you tried a different kind of medication? One that won't interfere with giving care to kids? Have you spoken to your doctor about this? It seems like he/she would want to try a different medication. What about some counseling to help with social skills/eye contact? It sounds simple, but I know it's not. I have loved ones that deal with this...
Just thinking off the cuff here, but what if you wrote a letter to the parents explaining some of the social awkwardness that causes you to be uncomfortable looking them in the eyes, but that you are aware of it, and are working on that? That it has nothing to do with your love and care for their children? Reaffirm to them that you DO have a connection with their child but it's just difficult at drop off and pick up with the adults? Explain (in writing if it helps) what your time is like spent with them (a routine, schedule of activities, etc) so that they know their child is active and cared for. I think parents can sense if their child is happy when they drop off; a smile from child to caregiver, or other children, etc
Again, I don't know the answer, I'm just thinking "out loud" as I write this...
I wish I had a solution for you, but wanted you to know that I care. Hugs sent your way!

Reply

It is isolating. My problem has gotten worse since I started. How would I word a letter like that? I would have never thought to tell parents about since it's an illness and that would mean I'm not capable of doing it. It's the only thing I haven't tried.
I did try counseling a few different times but it is really hard for me. I see someone for awhile and talk myself into so reason why it's not working out and have to stop going. I will call my doctor and see if there's something else. I will need medicine first so I don't do what I always do with the therapists.

Reply

There are many different medications you could try that don't affect your ability to be alert. Zoloft has been awesome for me. I don't have social anxiety, but I do have generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks. Zoloft completely controls it and has no side effects.

I do agree that you should get it out there. Explain your disorder and how it negatively affects your life, but how it also makes you a fantastic kid person. If you don't tell the parents, I think they may see it as deceitful and could leave based on that alone.

Another idea. Could you video yourself interacting with the children during your everyday routine? And do it often? You could set up a private Facebook page for parents only and upload the videos there once per week or so. They could see for themselves how great you are when they're not around!

Reply

I'm sorta like that, to a lesser degree. I tell the parents from the start that I'm far better with children than adults! I have no problem communicating in writing, so I send the parents updates and pics throughout the day. Once I have gotten more comfortable and feel like I "know" them a bit more, it is much easier for me. I have the advantage of only having 3 families though. I imagine it would be much harder if I had more than that.

Reply

I'm so sorry. There have already been some good suggestions, I hope you try some of them. It must be so hard.
I have social anxiety and I feel extremely awkward in any public situation, to the point where I try to avoid every one that I can. Even weddings, funerals, holidays, people must not like me much if they don't understand. I could never ever enter the public sector and work again. I just couldn't.
I take Effexor for depression/anxiety. Maybe there's a combination of meds. you could try? I would definitely talk to your doctor and tell them exactly how you feel and what's going on.
Good luck!!

Reply

I'm just thinking out loud but...are there any support groups you can go to? Maybe group therapy?

I have a lot of anxiety as well but medication actually made it worse. I used to have full blown debilitating panic attacks multiple times per week. I learned to journal and talk myself through it (i.e., it will be fine, just leave it alone). I also took up a hobby that had multiple groups that got together for information and fun and just forced myself to go to the meetings until I found myself talking to others that shared a common interest.

In the meantime, I agree, written communication works well. I used to be terrified of answering the phone or making phone calls. It takes time.

Reply

I know exactly how you feel. I can't even go to the store, or even my doctor, without someone with me because of my anxiety. That is part of the reason I started up with daycare, because it is easier for me to stay home than it was to go out in the world.

Years ago, I had a teacher in college tell me the same thing about my lack of eye contact and how it makes me look guilty. She challenged me to force myself to do it. I did, and although it was incredibly hard and awkward, I found myself able to look someone in the eyes longer each time I tried. I also found that forcing myself to look someone in they eyes often made them uncomfortable and look away (not staring like a freakshow or anything, just making simple, prolonged eye contact, lol).

It has been about 15 years since that pivotal, life changing conversation and most days I manage to fake it. I remind and force myself to make eye contact with my dc parents everyday. It is difficult still, but it really does help you feel more confident and in charge. Meanwhile, my heart is pounding away.

Start small, but make a conscious effort to do it. It will definitely help.

BTW, I am also better with communication via email vs face to face. I usually begin any confrontational policy related conversations via email and, because I have to re-do it over and over to make sure that I have said everything how it was intended, it helps keep everything clear and in the forefront before the face to face confrontation happens. I don't know if that is something you struggle with, but it is an issue for me because I always feel inferior to everyone so I thought I would suggest that as well.

Monkey Toes
(signed out yesterday and haven't signed back in yet)

Reply

I know exactly what you're going through. I've had severe social anxiety since I was 11 and it's done a lot of harm in my life. Since I've started the daycare I've taken advantage of my "extra" time by practicing mimicking the way outgoing people interact with each other. It was scary and embarrassing in the beginning, but I've found that it's helped soooo much.

I just fake it until it starts feeling normal. I have a family who has been with me since I opened last year and it has taken until recently for me to feel comfortable carrying on a normal conversation. It's still tough and I still get anxious and shaky, but it's now to the point where I can congratulate myself after they leave

Reply

Can you try looking at the kids during conversations? I have general anxiety, social anxiety, and panic attacks. I work in a center, but I find it easier to greet the children, such as "Good morning dcb, how are you and mom this morning (glance at mom and return focus to child). At pickup mom asks how was his day, I respond we had a (great, rough day) didn't we dcb, while looking at child. Glance at mom on occasion, but focus on child. It helps me, and I am the worst at talking to parents. All the parents know I am great with the kids, and no one has ever complained about my lack of communication skills. If there is something to tell the parents, I write an incident report and while explaining situation to them I am holding the paper so we can both see it, and it's not odd that I am only glancing at the parent and focus on the report. it amazing the things we have to do so that we can seem "normal" to people.

Reply

I use to be like this. People use to think I had something to hide. Later in life I just decided to just -not care. I know that seems odd but I use to care too much of what others thought of me. Could it be you empathize too much with the feelings of others?

I remember getting angry with myself and thinking why am I making it so hard on myself. There were three things I tried doing.

-I started taking Saint John's Wort - http://www.webmd.com/vitamins-and-su...-st-johns-wort
-Looked at others and imagined they were people I felt comfortable with -my mother/father/brother etc.
-Breath slower and watched their mouth or another spot instead of their eyes.

Also know that you are not the only one. Everyone has an issue of not feeling in control at times like this. We just have to find ways to manage it.

Reply

Paxil helped me when my anxieties were too extreme, and interfered with life in general.

This may sound cheesy, but I got a book about body language. It helped me in so many ways with my anxiety and introverted ways. It helped me take the focus off of myself, and look for the insecurities of others. I discovered they are there with everybody, and it gave me something else to focus on besides my racing heart, my erratic breathing, and trying to construct my sentences correctly.
Like Crafty stated, faking it works for me too, until I can comfortably ease into conversation with others. I will put on the professional/fake pants, allowing my knowledge of childcare to guide me, until I can calm down enough to listen, see, and contribute to the conversation.

Reply

I'm very surprised at how many others have been through this. It makes me feel so much better! I am going to print this page off and hang it up in the bathroom to see/read, a constant reminder! I am so thankful for everyone. Michael I care a lot what others think about me, my husband thinks it's silly. I go way over board to get people to like me, being relaxed about policies exc. When someone doesn't like me it tears me up pieces. It's all I can think about abd it just "eats" me. I know it's silly!
Thank you!

Reply

One of my sons has severe autism. In his special ed class they taught him to look at people's noses instead of eyes since he can't handle eye contact.

Reply

After reading this thread, I realize I look at people's mouths when they talk never really thought about this! I rarely make eye contact....but I am pretty much an open book with the community due to family, church, daycare, etc. Maybe you could look forward but past the person, kind of tuning the face out.

Reply