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adnilwis 08:15 AM 04-03-2018
So I've wrote about this child in the past about how she refuses to talk to me or at least answer questions I ask to just her. She will participate and sing songs but when I talk to just her she won't look at me or respond or even show that she even understands what I'm saying. She will talk and yell once her mom and dad comes to get her or when they drop her off but she just refuses to show any attachment to me at all. I have watched her for almost 2 years now. She very rarely smiles but will play with the other kids at times. She just seems to not enjoy being in my presence but never cries at drop off and never wants to leave at night. Has anyone ever had a child seem to not enjoy daycare but doesn't communicate it to their parents etc? I'm just puzzled at her behavior.
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storybookending 08:19 AM 04-03-2018
Originally Posted by adnilwis:
So I've wrote about this child in the past about how she refuses to talk to me or at least answer questions I ask to just her. She will participate and sing songs but when I talk to just her she won't look at me or respond or even show that she even understands what I'm saying. She will talk and yell once her mom and dad comes to get her or when they drop her off but she just refuses to show any attachment to me at all. I have watched her for almost 2 years now. She very rarely smiles but will play with the other kids at times. She just seems to not enjoy being in my presence but never cries at drop off and never wants to leave at night. Has anyone ever had a child seem to not enjoy daycare but doesn't communicate it to their parents etc? I'm just puzzled at her behavior.
So she’s content during the day then? Not a nightmare or screaming for parents all day just distant and not affectionate? Is she like this for other adults not in her immediate family? Could need an assessment.
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adnilwis 08:25 AM 04-03-2018
Yes She is content throughout the day. Her mom says it take her a long time to warm up to immediate family too that she doesn't see much but she will also talk to strangers too mom said. She interacts more with my kids grandpa when he visits than she ever has with me.
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Unregistered 08:29 AM 04-03-2018
Originally Posted by adnilwis:
So I've wrote about this child in the past about how she refuses to talk to me or at least answer questions I ask to just her. She will participate and sing songs but when I talk to just her she won't look at me or respond or even show that she even understands what I'm saying. She will talk and yell once her mom and dad comes to get her or when they drop her off but she just refuses to show any attachment to me at all. I have watched her for almost 2 years now. She very rarely smiles but will play with the other kids at times. She just seems to not enjoy being in my presence but never cries at drop off and never wants to leave at night. Has anyone ever had a child seem to not enjoy daycare but doesn't communicate it to their parents etc? I'm just puzzled at her behavior.
Really? It's called being shy. Not really an issue. Not every child is outgoing.
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daycarediva 09:25 AM 04-03-2018
Is she COMPLETELY silent with you? Select mutism comes to mind.
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adnilwis 09:50 AM 04-03-2018
No. At group time she will sing along with everyone and say all the colors and shapes when I ask the group. Or even just if I ask her what color it is she will respond. But if I ask her anything else I get a blank stare. She's finally to the point where she will tell me she's done eating or eants more etc. But typically it's when I walk away. She will be 2 in May so i get it she's young yet but from what it sounds like at home and what I've heard her say to mom and dad she isn't incapable of responding or communicating. It's more one on one that makes her uncomfortable.
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MrsJ 10:02 AM 04-03-2018
There is a difference though between being shy and having ongoing social anxiety.
Is she more open during times when music, dancing, physical activity is going on. Also doe she respond differently in group vs. alone on projects or simple activities?
Is she a social butterfly when you are not looking and free play happens?
Does mom have anything to say or issue with it?
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adnilwis 10:23 AM 04-03-2018
Originally Posted by MrsJ:
There is a difference though between being shy and having ongoing social anxiety.
Is she more open during times when music, dancing, physical activity is going on. Also doe she respond differently in group vs. alone on projects or simple activities?
Is she a social butterfly when you are not looking and free play happens?
Does mom have anything to say or issue with it?
All great questions! She is very talkative when I'm not watching her. She will read books, sing, and laugh and giggle with her friends. As soon as I acknowledge her she gets serious and just freezes. I have had her alone and she is the same. She didn't talk to me the entire day she was here by herself. I have brought up the not talking to mom and dad and they said they are still trying to figure her out. They assume she's shy. It's not a shyness issue I don't think. I just don't know if she doesn't like me or my house or if there is other issues I need to address. She doesn't respond differently of I'm around. If its just her and the other kids She talks all the time.
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storybookending 10:28 AM 04-03-2018
Since the child isn’t even two yet I would not be concerned. My cousin didn’t talk, to anyone, until he was 3.
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rosieteddy 01:15 PM 04-03-2018
As long as she is not upset I would try to not let it bother you.Who knows at 2 what she is thinking.If she eats ,plays sleeps ect be happy.I would much rather have that than crying all day.
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Ariana 02:03 PM 04-03-2018
I believe I responded in your other thread but this is selective mutism. It is an anxiety around adults. I wouldn’t let it bother me but if it does maybe you could think about reaplcing. As long as she is happy, social and seems content I wouldn’t worry. A friend of mine had a child like this.
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adnilwis 07:24 PM 04-03-2018
Thanks everyone! She talked to me and answered a question I asked her when her mom was there to pick her up so I know She is able to and understands. She is generally happy throughout the day (emotionless most of the time but not crying) and she eats and sleeps. I guess I will just not worry about it and not let it bother me but it just makes me think it's something I've done that makes her anxious around me. Thanks for the suggestions and opinions everyone!
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daycarediva 07:35 AM 04-04-2018
Originally Posted by Ariana:
I believe I responded in your other thread but this is selective mutism. It is an anxiety around adults. I wouldn’t let it bother me but if it does maybe you could think about reaplcing. As long as she is happy, social and seems content I wouldn’t worry. A friend of mine had a child like this.
I agree. She isn’t shy, anxious, etc.
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adnilwis 09:08 AM 04-13-2018
I took her and my Other dck to the mall today to play and do a storytime event they had there. She was not at all shy there. Happy, running around, talking to me etc. Mom yesterday told me that she is super shy. Would a super shy kid be totally fine running around and not know where her caregiver is? She was playing just fine with the kids she didn't know too. Even her voice changes when she is with me at my house than other places. I get it she is young, but she talks in sentences at home. I just don't buy thrbwhole shy card at all
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NiNi.R. 12:45 PM 04-13-2018
My own daughter was very much like this at that age, probably worse. There has always been a small circle of people she is willing to show her "real" personality to. Almost 10 years old now, and she is still that way, only difference is her circle is just a little bit bigger.

We thought at first it was an "always home with mom" problem. So we enrolled her in preschool program. She went and loved it...but did not talk the entire time she was there. We started her in gymnastics at four. Same thing! By first grade, we had her working with a school counselor. I was at a loss, teachers were at a loss. They started rewarding her for talking with a sticker chart, one sticker per word. Once filled, she relieved extra play time. I was not keen on this idea, but I allowed it. It got her going at the absolute bare minimum. And I mean minimum. I'll never forget the day she filled up a 10 squared chart in one day, it was a big deal!

I however believe it was her love for gymnastics that got her functioning. She eventually worked her way up onto the competitive team. To do that, there were many many instances where she had to push through that social anxiety.

Just the other day two older girls (one my daughter knows) walked passed her telling her hi. She very quietly and uncomfortably said hi back. It did not go unnoticed, and I overheard one older girl explain to the other that my daughter is "just socially awkward." On another occasion, she gave a hug to Coach E who she has been working with for a few months. Coach D, who has worked with my daughter since age 4, was completely shocked, and while laughing wanted to know why he never got a hug.

Social anxiety, selective mutism, or just shy.. I still couldn't tell you. I guess my point is that as long as it's not debilitating and she is happy, it doesn't much matter. I know for my daughter there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to why she is more comfortable with some people over others. That connection is just naturally there or it isn't. That might be the case for this child you speak of and while it might be hard, I'd try not to take it personally. She just might not be able to help it.
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adnilwis 01:11 PM 04-13-2018
Originally Posted by NiNi.R.:
My own daughter was very much like this at that age, probably worse. There has always been a small circle of people she is willing to show her "real" personality to. Almost 10 years old now, and she is still that way, only difference is her circle is just a little bit bigger.

We thought at first it was an "always home with mom" problem. So we enrolled her in preschool program. She went and loved it...but did not talk the entire time she was there. We started her in gymnastics at four. Same thing! By first grade, we had her working with a school counselor. I was at a loss, teachers were at a loss. They started rewarding her for talking with a sticker chart, one sticker per word. Once filled, she relieved extra play time. I was not keen on this idea, but I allowed it. It got her going at the absolute bare minimum. And I mean minimum. I'll never forget the day she filled up a 10 squared chart in one day, it was a big deal!

I however believe it was her love for gymnastics that got her functioning. She eventually worked her way up onto the competitive team. To do that, there were many many instances where she had to push through that social anxiety.

Just the other day two older girls (one my daughter knows) walked passed her telling her hi. She very quietly and uncomfortably said hi back. It did not go unnoticed, and I overheard one older girl explain to the other that my daughter is "just socially awkward." On another occasion, she gave a hug to Coach E who she has been working with for a few months. Coach D, who has worked with my daughter since age 4, was completely shocked, and while laughing wanted to know why he never got a hug.

Social anxiety, selective mutism, or just shy.. I still couldn't tell you. I guess my point is that as long as it's not debilitating and she is happy, it doesn't much matter. I know for my daughter there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to why she is more comfortable with some people over others. That connection is just naturally there or it isn't. That might be the case for this child you speak of and while it might be hard, I'd try not to take it personally. She just might not be able to help it.
Thank you for this. I know my own children are shy but they get better with time. This child however does not. I know I shouldn't take it personally but it's hard not to. I try hard to get her to talk and maybe that just makes it worse. I guess what's most confusing to me is how strangers (or people she has known or seen for less time than me) make her more comfortable and easy to talk with than me (who she sees for 5 days a week, 10 hours a day). Maybe I will never know. Her mom told me yesterday she is just super shy and doesn't seem to have anxiety about things. But I do it see it sometimes throughout the day. With eating, being touched, etc. Thank you for your input thoigh.
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NiNi.R. 02:24 PM 04-13-2018
Originally Posted by adnilwis:
Thank you for this. I know my own children are shy but they get better with time. This child however does not. I know I shouldn't take it personally but it's hard not to. I try hard to get her to talk and maybe that just makes it worse. I guess what's most confusing to me is how strangers (or people she has known or seen for less time than me) make her more comfortable and easy to talk with than me (who she sees for 5 days a week, 10 hours a day). Maybe I will never know. Her mom told me yesterday she is just super shy and doesn't seem to have anxiety about things. But I do it see it sometimes throughout the day. With eating, being touched, etc. Thank you for your input thoigh.
All reasons why I believe there is more to it than just being shy. My daughter wouldn't have gotten better with time without a collaborative effort between us and the other adults in her life over the course of years.This girl you speak of is still really young! Is it possible it's a power or defiant thing?

If you think trying hard could be making it worse then maybe quit trying so hard and respect her space. When she does talk to you try saying something like "I love hearing your voice!" To encourage further interactions.

Or maybe none of that will work...Who knows! Sometimes kids can just be weird.

I feel you though! I know it can be frustrating. Good luck!
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adnilwis 02:33 PM 04-13-2018
Originally Posted by NiNi.R.:
.This girl you speak of is still really young! Is it possible it's a power or defiant thing?

If you think trying hard could be making it worse then maybe quit trying so hard and respect her space. When she does talk to you try saying something like "I love hearing your voice!" To encourage further interactions.

Or maybe none of that will work...Who knows! Sometimes kids can just be weird.

I feel you though! I know it can be frustrating. Good luck!
Power/defiant definitely could be part of it. I don't think she has much in regards to rules at home so coming here is different for her. Also, when she does talk I do tell her I love hearing her voice and really make a big deal out of it. Thanks for all the input! She seems content being quiet but also very rarely smiles. So it's a serious kind of content. :-)
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Jdy2222 08:20 PM 04-13-2018
I have a very quiet child in my care. Some days she won't speak at all, others she will. Most days she'll pretend talk on the phone, in a corner by herself, quite a bit but then not talk much to me. I ignore the shyness. I keep talking to her, but I don't expect a response so I limit questions unless she's shown she's in the mood to speak. I don't ever comment on her not speaking or talk to her about conversing, but if she nods or smiles I'll take that as a response and continue the conversation but never draw attention to the fact that she's communicating. If she stares blankly at me, which she does a lot, I move on and give my attention to someone else. With this one it's definitely a power play - she has a lot less control of the household and everything that happens at my house than she does at her own (she's in charge at home). She has gotten much better with communicating and interacting the last month or two (she's 2 1/2), but she still completely shuts you out if there's any conflict of any sort that she doesn't want to have to deal with.

I was a very shy child and remember my father "discussing" how I needed to talk and interact with people and how he wanted to see me do it. So much pressure! I absolutely couldn't meet his expectations and just got quieter because of it. With my own shy child I just let her be and eventually she found an interaction level she's comfortable with.
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