I dont know what to do. I will try to keep this short.

I have a dck age 3.5 parents are split. DCD in different state, mom has kid 99.5% of the time.

I have noticed over the last two months huge behavior changes in the kid. Being mean, agressive and VERY distracted. Just seems to not be doing so well.

Last week we were doing a project and I said lets make one for daddy. DCK she hates her dad and wants a new one. Long story short, she is getting this from mommy. I called and talked to mom while she was at work and told her that it was not ok that she did this to her daughter and if she was overly stressed or having a hard time with it she needed to seek help and not vent about it to or in front of her child. She denied all of it.

At least once a week DCM is having break downs, often the child is around. It seems like mom can't get her finances straight and has to have her parents and dcks grandparents help pay daycare, rent, food and etc. DCD does give her child support every month, there is no court order for anything.

The DCD often will text me asking how DCK is doing. I don't ever really give too much feedback. My contract is with mom and I fear that backlash he will give her if it is not a good report, which then would result in more fighting in front of DCK.

I really feel something needs to be said to DCD. DCM is not doing anything about what is going on and just wants me and everyone else feel sorry for her. I think I have reached my limit and need to get someone else involved to help DCG.

Should I reach out to the DCD? SOrry I said this was going to be short......

Thanks in advance.

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It's so sad, but I don't think you should reach out to the dad about the mom's problems. That is putting you IN THE MIDDLE of it, and you do not want to be there. Plus, I think telling information about the mom to the dad is breaking confidentiality.

If he asks, you can and should give him information about his child--but not the wife or her personal state of affairs.

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I would not tell DCD about moms issues, I think I should tell him about the big notice in change of behavior in DCK

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honestly I stay out of personal problems as such. It is not my business. My business is to be paid on time. I might tell mom that the little one is having a hard time with whatever is going on at home. I remove myself from this type of stuff as much as I can. It doesn't mean that I don't care. I just can't take all of it on.

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SO I should just continue to leave dad in the dark about the state of his child??

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I think you should definitely bring up your concerns about the child, but leave your opinion of moms hot mess out of it. It's only going to cause a headache for you.

If dad asks you what you think the problem is, just say you're not sure and he should probably discuss it with mom.

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I would stay the heck away from ANY of that drama. My ONLY job is to take care of the child to the best of my ability. Make my house a safe, loving and comforting place for her. I would not text Dad. It could backfire on you. Mom could see it as a betrayal. Dad could mis-report something to mom that you said to him. I would NEVER give mom unsolicited advice about her relationship with her ex. I stay OUT of their personal lives. None of my beeswax. Makes life sooooo much easier!!

ETA: If the child is having behavior problems, of course that can be addressed with Mom. But I wouldn't hint or suggest that it has to do with the divorce. Just state the facts of the disciplinary problem and leave the "reason" for it up to her.

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If dcd asks, I would mention the behaviors you are seeing but in no way would I go into detail about your assumptions on the matter. I think it was crossing the line when you called mom at work to discuss things. This could have been done at the end of the day at pickup.

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Same view. I do not get involved.
You said it yourself, contract is with mom, she has custody 99.5% of the time - I do not feel it is your place to be talking to the father at all. I would stay out of it entirely.

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sorry...I think I didn't ask my question correctly.

I would NEVER give info about DCM to DCD or VS. They both know this.

I just want to know if I should tell the DCD what is going on with the child. I am close enough with this DCM that I am ok with being able to tell her to watch what she says and does in front of DCK.

At this point, I just want the DCD to know so that the right decisions can be made for DCG. the situation just sounds really bad.....

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Exactly my thoughts ....
Does DCM know DCD is texting you?

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yes DCM knows that DCD is on the email list and gets our text.

I just looked on the State Paperwork, DCD is on it, but the DCM is the only one who signed the contract.

Again, I have no intentions of talking to DCD about why I think this is happening, I just want to know if I should just fill him in on what is going on with DCG HERE.

DCD will text every few days asking about DCG, how did she do today, or was DCG in a bad mood?

I never really say much other than good day today or not so good day today, DCG was pretty tired, we will try again tomorrow. I always leave it to the facts

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that's what I would do

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they were never married.
Honestly, I really feel that what the DCM is doing is emotionally abusive. DCG tells me stuff like my mom hates my dad, she thinks he is an a$$hole, or will say I want a new dad.

When DCD tries to call her, she will throw the phone then go on a rampage. She has acted out here in rage when dcd tried to call her on the way here in the car.

I know that I have not been to detailed about all that is going on here, but the mothers behavior is really affecting the child. I need to be the advocate for this child and ALWAYS protect her. I honestly can't let this go and stay out of it. I do know that reporting it to CPS won't do anything because it's too hard to prove, and will only create more waves for DCM.

I am starting to wonder if DCM is emotionally stable enough to take care of her.

I dont know what to do..............

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I would stay out of it entirely. If the dcd asks about the child, I would give specific OBJECTIVE responses about the child. I would also refrain from giving unsolicited advice to the dcm that doesn't relate to OBJECTIVE observations you have made.

Here are a couple of examples:

Dad asks how child is doing. Your response is, dck had a temper tantrum after being asked to clean up. She had one potty accident. She took 25 min to fall asleep and tossed and turned on her cot.

Daycare child isn't dressed for the weather and mom seems disorganized. Your response is, dck was chilly outside today without mittens. This is an objective response and isn't making a personal statement about her ability to care for her child.

Divorce is difficult. Divorce can leave women and children in difficult financial situations where they need help from their families to survive. I would personally stay out of it entirely.

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Is there away he could visit? To be honest I thin that is what she needs. She hears all this CR**P about him DCG must think he doesn't love her. If you want to say anything I would tell him to try and visit soon. She needs her Daddy.

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they were never married and have been split up since she was 1. It's just a very ugly situation.

I do respond very matter of fact.

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Do you have any kind of resource and referral agency? Maybe you could ask their advice on what to do? We have one that has people trained to work with families in crisis and will even answer questions for providers if we have them.

Laurel

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I am not sure, but I could find out I am sure.

I would love to see the mom get some help. I worry maybe she is not emotionally stable enough to care for her....

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This sounds like Parental Alienation. If it is then it can be very detrimental to DCG/DCd relationship. I agree with the others, do not become the middleman.

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Ok, I read this entire thread and this (bolded part) is the biggest thing that stuck out to me.

What I am getting from your posts is that you are concerned about the mental stability of the child because of the situation she is in...

You are spot on about needing to do something about this, however I do NOT think DCD is the person you need to be telling anything to. I also do NOT think DCM is the person you need to be advising either, at this point because of what you believe (bolded part of your post) you need to call CPS.

ANY form of abuse needs to be reported. The mom won't automatically lose custody or anything that bad (unless warranted) but what she will get is some good resources, assistance and guidance in regards to parenting and doing so properly.

A benefit for daycare kid, the mother and the father.

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thanks for your response, this is where I was leading to. I plan on calling later today.

I thought about this over night, and what it came down to is that I really do feel that I need to be honest with the DCD about how his child is doing here instead of just being so vague and saying doing fine or had a rough day but ok. I feel like I am lying to this DCD to protect the mother from being ambushed by him. BUT how can I say that there are all of a sudden issues, when they have been going on for the last few months.

If I were the DCD I would want to know how my child is doing and just because he is not involved on the contract or in her life, he still has the right to know the full truth about how his child is doing right?

I NEVER had any intentions of trying to discuss anything that the mother is or is not doing with the dad, I only wanted to know if I should tell him exactly what is going on with his daughter.

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Yes- you should not say anything to him. It's not your place -- It's not your job to. If dad "is in the dark" it's his fault. If dad feels that it's necessary or that there are things going on that may be detrimental to the child, then he is free to take action by petitioning the courts and obtaining legal, enforcable rights that would allow him to be in the light. There are a number of actions dad can take if he is concerned about his child that will actually most likely result in the child's best interest, but texting you like this is not one of them(not to mention it is putting you in an unfair burden and spot and that is wrong of him to do), and so far it appears he has not. Also if dad cared enough(or even if he thought himself that a situation might be dire no one would have to report such & such things to him like his child having temper tantrums, behavioral changes, etc. and he wouldn't have to ask(he sees her what .5% a month, year, lifetime?), he would already know.....at least to some extent.


Another thing- How do you know daycare mom is maybe emotionally abusive(or having breakdowns about once per week around the child, etc.) or what makes you wonder if she is emotionally able to care for her child? I think you said the DCG told you some things that she said Mommie said, but other than that what is going on?

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(BBM)
Assuming you're in the US then 'dad' might not legally be 'dad' and if that's the case he has no rights to her(your dcg) at all legally or otherwise- unless he possibly signed an affadavit of paternity but even then he has no rights until he petitions the court for them(and Idk if he's done that); so that is something else you might want to take into consideration just to be on the safe side.

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I have to agree with the others. Do not try to involve the father any further than you are right now. Good day, not so good day or just facts. NO opinions.

If you are concerned about the safety and welfare of the child, report it to the proper authorities.

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