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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Quite Perturbed...
Hunni Bee 06:12 PM 04-12-2011
I have a 4yo girl in my class who is going through some issues at home. Her parents separated some months ago, but recently dad has been granted visitation. She stays with him about 2 weekends a month. Both parents have new live-in partners. Dcg is very articulate and intelligent, but has regressed to behaviors such as thumb-sucking, whining and tantrums since this has started.

I mentioned to the mom that dcg "seemed really irritable and whiny" one day, because it was out of character for her. The mom informed me that she had been that way at home, and usually was more so after a weekend a dad's. The next morning my director informed me that she had complained that I used the word "whiny" and she didnt want her daughter to have bad self esteem "20 years down the road because Ms ______ said I was whiny". I will admit I could have used a better word, and I apologized to her. And thought that was that.

About a week later, I get a phone call at the center at 7 am (dcg gets dropped off at 6:45) from dcm asking to speak to dcg! I was taken aback, and our handbook doesnt say explicitly that parents can't call and speak to their children, so I put dcg on the phone. Dcg cries for her mother for the following two hours. I told my director about it, and we decided that its disruptive to have parents call and speak to their children. She didnt call back for a while and I forgot about it.

Yesterday she calls at 10:30 - right in the middle of Center Time. I explained that we cannot call children to the phone, and she got upset. Said she would call the director and come up there on her lunch hour....okay, not intimidated, sorry. The director said that she would allow dcm to call back at 11:30 because she had promised dcg that she would call, but no more after that. I had dcg ready so it wouldnt be so disruptive - no call.

So at 10 am today, guess who calls? We tell her again, no...and she immediately calls the director. Director explains that its our policy, and we try to help the kids be independent in handling their emotions, and if dcm felt that wasn't okay for her daughter, she may want to look for other care. She declined, of course.

But another teacher told me that this morning at dropoff dcm told her that "she has no words for me" and that when dcg asked her why she didnt call yesterday she told her "i did call, but ms ___ (me) wouldnt let me talk to you". Way to go, villain-izing me in the eyes of a child I have to care for 9+ hours a day. Yes, I do think its disruptive, but it still wasnt my decision. And then after we bent the rules for her, she didnt even follow through...ugh.
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SilverSabre25 06:25 PM 04-12-2011
Wow...no advice, just sympathy. That sounds like a really obnoxious situation! Sounds like maybe mama is having some issues of her own.

As for the issue with saying that dcg was whiny...it's not like you told dcg to her face that she's whiny, but even if you did, um...I tell my dcks (and my own DD) all the time that "I can't hear you when you're whining" or "Stop with the whining" or "My goodness, you sure are whining a lot today!" and it never even crossed my mind that I might be giving them "self-esteem problems" . Kids whine...and parents/caregivers need to correct them for it. Otherwise they grow up to be whiny adults (coughcoughDCMcough)!

The phone thing just sounds annoying...it sounds like you're handling it well though. My dcm who was calling daily (and the family has since quit on me with no warning and no pay ), I was worried at first was going to talk to her 9 month old, but she never did.

Sounds like your director is more or less on board with you though, at least.
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jen2651 06:46 PM 04-12-2011
I have no advice either, but agree it is a positive thing your supervisor us supporting you! Good job on standing your ground!!
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countrymom 03:00 AM 04-13-2011
I think when its her on the line, you should say "just one minute" and go and get the director. Let her deal with the mom. Why is she calling so much, sounds like she is out to cause some kind of trouble, I would start documenting right away just in case.
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TBird 03:16 AM 04-13-2011
Some parents (not all) who are having problems at home or with a significant other are having trouble "keeping it together" where the kids are concerned. She probably feels guilty right now and is projecting this onto this poor little girl - and YOU! It's happened to me before and I eventually had to terminate care.

I like the advice "countrymom" gave....I would run, jump and skip to get my director every time she called. Let her handle it but be firm with the mom and uphold your director's decision...her life issues are not YOUR issues...good luck Sweetie!
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nannyde 05:51 AM 04-13-2011
You need a lesson in phone chaos 101:

Say "hold on... I'll get her". Then put the phone down for three minutes.
Say "here she is" and then hold the phone into the air for three minutes
Make crackling sounds and say "can you hear me now?"
Give the phone to another kid instead of her kid... whooops
Hang up midsentence... say "oh here she... " then CLICK off
Say "okay here she is" and then come back on and say "she doesn't want to talk"
Bull horn honk instead of saying "hello"

Just kidding........

Just tell her that if she wants to come and get her to spend time with her feel free. We don't do parent visits over the phone.
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Evansmom 06:01 AM 04-13-2011
I think there is a big difference between telling a parent that their child "seemed really irritable and whiny" and CALLING a child whiny as in "your child is so whiny" which you didn't say. I don't think you did anything wrong in regards to what you said. The mom is obviously very sensitive about her daughter right now probably b/c she knows that you are right. She also knows it's due to the seperation and that is partly her doing so she feels guilty but doesn't want to admit it so she's looking for anyone, the father or you or your director, to blame it on instead of her. Too bad she's not handling this in a mature way which would only benefit her daughter. I predict more problems with her I'm sorry to say.
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ninosqueridos 06:08 AM 04-13-2011
I think my dcks will be in therapy in a few years from all the whiny reports I give to their parents. Their own parents tell me when they're in a whiny mood in the morning!

Glad to hear that your director is supporting you in this.
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TBird 06:18 AM 04-13-2011
Originally Posted by Evansmom:
She also knows it's due to the seperation and that is partly her doing so she feels guilty but doesn't want to admit it so she's looking for anyone, the father or you or your director, to blame it on instead of her. Too bad she's not handling this in a mature way which would only benefit her daughter. I predict more problems with her I'm sorry to say.
Okay....this is what I was trying to say but BETTER!!!
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PitterPatter 07:16 AM 04-13-2011
Originally Posted by nannyde:
You need a lesson in phone chaos 101:

Say "hold on... I'll get her". Then put the phone down for three minutes.
Say "here she is" and then hold the phone into the air for three minutes
Make crackling sounds and say "can you hear me now?"
Give the phone to another kid instead of her kid... whooops
Hang up midsentence... say "oh here she... " then CLICK off
Say "okay here she is" and then come back on and say "she doesn't want to talk"
Bull horn honk instead of saying "hello"

Just kidding........

Just tell her that if she wants to come and get her to spend time with her feel free. We don't do parent visits over the phone.
Nanny I love your humor!

I get calls twice a day usually from the same parent. 1st during nap time. She knows after months he is sleeping but always says stuff like "oh its my lunch so i took a chance he would be awake" Other times I don't pick up (cell) so she will call back 3 times I send it to voicemail so she will call the house phone. I have to get that because it will wake the kids. Same convo. There have been times I was in the restroom and she calls back gets the machine hangs up and calls back... etc until I rip the phone off the hook and yell HELLO! She said what was u doing? TRYING to use the bathroom! Oh is my kid up? GRR

2nd call of the day during dinner. Same dinner time everyday 5:00 like clockwork but here come the calls 3 times a week or so. I let it ring but again, hang up on machine, call back hang up call back... I pick up "what are u doing?" Eating dinner as always at 5:00. Oh ok can I talk to johnny? WTH? I have told her not to call during dinner but she says its her last break of the day and just misses him or is having a bad day blah blah.. I stand there with the phone in my hand to johnnys ear (his hands have food all over them) while she babbles nonsense to him (hes 2) My dinner getting cold. I remind her my dinner is getting cold so I have to hang up. She gets disgusted sounding. The nerve!

I don't take calls anymore during dinner. If she calls I send a text saying "eating dinner now" she sometimes texts back ok call me when u are done so I can talk to johnny. I don't call. sorry got busy!
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nannyde 08:09 AM 04-13-2011
Originally Posted by Tygerluv:
Nanny I love your humor!

I get calls twice a day usually from the same parent. 1st during nap time. She knows after months he is sleeping but always says stuff like "oh its my lunch so i took a chance he would be awake" Other times I don't pick up (cell) so she will call back 3 times I send it to voicemail so she will call the house phone. I have to get that because it will wake the kids. Same convo. There have been times I was in the restroom and she calls back gets the machine hangs up and calls back... etc until I rip the phone off the hook and yell HELLO! She said what was u doing? TRYING to use the bathroom! Oh is my kid up? GRR

2nd call of the day during dinner. Same dinner time everyday 5:00 like clockwork but here come the calls 3 times a week or so. I let it ring but again, hang up on machine, call back hang up call back... I pick up "what are u doing?" Eating dinner as always at 5:00. Oh ok can I talk to johnny? WTH? I have told her not to call during dinner but she says its her last break of the day and just misses him or is having a bad day blah blah.. I stand there with the phone in my hand to johnnys ear (his hands have food all over them) while she babbles nonsense to him (hes 2) My dinner getting cold. I remind her my dinner is getting cold so I have to hang up. She gets disgusted sounding. The nerve!

I don't take calls anymore during dinner. If she calls I send a text saying "eating dinner now" she sometimes texts back ok call me when u are done so I can talk to johnny. I don't call. sorry got busy!
I wrote a blog about this: https://www.daycare.com/nannyde/the-...-every-day.htm

I would just tell her that I don't do this kind of conferencing and I don't want the kids on the phone.

Is she great about keeping him home any time she is not working?
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Hunni Bee 03:45 PM 04-13-2011
Originally Posted by nannyde:
You need a lesson in phone chaos 101:

Say "hold on... I'll get her". Then put the phone down for three minutes.
Say "here she is" and then hold the phone into the air for three minutes
Make crackling sounds and say "can you hear me now?"
Give the phone to another kid instead of her kid... whooops
Hang up midsentence... say "oh here she... " then CLICK off
Say "okay here she is" and then come back on and say "she doesn't want to talk"
Bull horn honk instead of saying "hello"
Definitely doing this the next time she calls
Reply
daycare 04:00 PM 04-13-2011
Originally Posted by nannyde:
You need a lesson in phone chaos 101:

Say "hold on... I'll get her". Then put the phone down for three minutes.
Say "here she is" and then hold the phone into the air for three minutes
Make crackling sounds and say "can you hear me now?"
Give the phone to another kid instead of her kid... whooops
Hang up midsentence... say "oh here she... " then CLICK off
Say "okay here she is" and then come back on and say "she doesn't want to talk"
Bull horn honk instead of saying "hello"

Just kidding........

Just tell her that if she wants to come and get her to spend time with her feel free. We don't do parent visits over the phone.
ahahhahahhahhhhahaaa lol
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Tags:visitation, whining
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