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Old 05-14-2012, 08:15 AM
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Default OT But Want Advice For My Own Children

I am a mom to twins that are 8 years old. Both of my boys are natural athletes. They are good at every sport that we've ever had them in (baseball, soccer and basketball so far). They don't get it from me that's for sure but anyway...the reason I'm posting is because over the weekend we had a difficult situation and I want opinions on how you would deal with this as I know I will probably have to deal with it many times in the future.

My boys are both on the same baseball team. Both two of the better players on the team...and really in the league. I know I'm biased but to prove it, they were the first kids drafted out of the whole league *(about 100 kids) and had 3 coaches fight over them so I know they are pretty good. They each average at least one home run a game knocking in 2-3 other runs each bat and are good in the field too. Anyway, a few weeks ago our coach comes up to me and asks if I've thought about them being on the all star team. I told him I would love that but I was worried that one or the other may not make it and then there would be hurt feelings and I'm not ready to deal with that yet. Anyway, he assured me that both would almost positively make the team. He couldn't see them not making the team. I said ok then...let's do it. So both boys had try-outs and both didn't do that great. No one did actually for several different reasons. One being that they are all used to hitting off of a coach as it is coach pitch and the other reason is because they were all kinda antsy from sitting an hour and waiting to bat and field.


Well, one made it and one didn't. At first I told the coach nevermind...neither one would play and I just wasn't going to say anything to either of them. Then I had second thoughts and realized I didn't want to take away one's glory just to spare hurt feelings for the other. I told the one who didn't make it first. He already knew he had a bad tryout. He cried and cried and I cried with him. Then I let him tell his brother that he made the team. I tried to build up brother and how we would support brother even though he didn't make the team. Brother cried cause he didn't want to play without his twin. It was a sad day for all of us! Anyway, we talked it up to brother and he got excited about the all start team and us traveling together for the tournaments. There's still some hurt feelings for my other twin son and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I keep telling him I know he had a bad tryout and it's not fair but that's the way it is sometimes. Life isn't fair.

It's really hard for me to deal with too because they both play so good and one really isn't that much better than the other. In fact I was more worried about the one who did make it not making it because he plays outfield more and doesn't see a lot of action out there most games.

Anyway, sorry this is so long. Does anyone have twins or siblings close in age that this has happened to? Or just any advice on how to deal with this. ALl stars will last most of June and so I know it will be hard for my twin who didn't make it to have to sit at practices and not be able to be on the team.
Any advice is appreciated. What would you do? What can I still do to help them? And what's somethign I can do in hte future as I know this will probably happen again one day.
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Old 05-14-2012, 08:24 AM
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SilverSabre25 SilverSabre25 is offline
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First off, congratulations to your twin who did make it and my condolences to the twin who didn't.

Second, props to you for letting your kids experience this.

For the future, I think the best thing you can do is give them the emotional tools and coping skills to handle this situation--let them know that it's okay to feel sad, jealous, etc, and what the constructive ways are to handle and express those feelings.

Maybe you can find a way for the twin who didn't make the team to not always have to go to the practices? He could go play with a friend maybe, or stay with someone else? If he does have to go to all the practices, can you give him something to do like play Nintendo DS or on your phone/laptop/something?
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Old 05-14-2012, 08:45 AM
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I think this is where your going to have to teach them that they still need to root for the other. All 4 of my kids are 2 yrs apart. My odd is an athlete and my mdd, no matter how hard she tries she never makes the team (at school anyways, but that is whole other issue) but I always point out that she is better than odd in many ways and I make odd cheer for her too. I think this is where your going to find that they are going to try to be individual but together. My kids do alot of stuff together, but for teams I now try to have them on different teams, its crazy but it works out really good. So they can all shine on their team.
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Old 05-14-2012, 08:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25 View Post
First off, congratulations to your twin who did make it and my condolences to the twin who didn't.

Second, props to you for letting your kids experience this.

For the future, I think the best thing you can do is give them the emotional tools and coping skills to handle this situation--let them know that it's okay to feel sad, jealous, etc, and what the constructive ways are to handle and express those feelings.

Maybe you can find a way for the twin who didn't make the team to not always have to go to the practices? He could go play with a friend maybe, or stay with someone else? If he does have to go to all the practices, can you give him something to do like play Nintendo DS or on your phone/laptop/something?
Thank you! Great advice. And I was thinking I would let him bring his DS or PSP, and if my little one isn't with us maybe I can go play catch with him on the other field or something. Sometimes it is so hard being a mommy!
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Old 05-14-2012, 08:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by countrymom View Post
I think this is where your going to have to teach them that they still need to root for the other. All 4 of my kids are 2 yrs apart. My odd is an athlete and my mdd, no matter how hard she tries she never makes the team (at school anyways, but that is whole other issue) but I always point out that she is better than odd in many ways and I make odd cheer for her too. I think this is where your going to find that they are going to try to be individual but together. My kids do alot of stuff together, but for teams I now try to have them on different teams, its crazy but it works out really good. So they can all shine on their team.
Thank you We are going to cheer for brother for sure. I'm sure his twin will be his biggest fan. Maybe he will have the chance to be proud of his brother without having to worry about competing with him.
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Old 05-14-2012, 08:54 AM
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I would not look at this as a bad thing, but maybe a good thing. I am not a twin, but I have cousins (now grown) who are.

My Aunt, had them put on separate teams (like the above posters mentioned) This way, it was not causing the two of them to try to out shine each other and allowed each of them to have their own spot light.

Is there any other kind of sport or activity that your son that did not make the team like to do? Maybe this is a time for him to go and explore those options. Maybe there is a summer soccer league or karate class. Something that he can learn to do on his own. Then his brother can learn to cheer for him too as he will have to learn to do when he goes to watch him play baseball.

My aunt also told me that she wished that she would have separated them sooner, because they grew so dependent on each other. My cousins are now in their late 20's and still live together. We joke about it all the time that they will have to marry twins because they can't be without the other.....
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Old 05-14-2012, 08:55 AM
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I think that you need to let your son who made the team play, and use it as a learning experience. It is not fair to your son who made the team to hold him back- he may end up resenting his brother.

They are not going to be equal all their life, and it looks like they are finding that out now. Maybe it's time for your other son to experience a new activity? Use it as a learning experience, and stress that no matter what, they need to support each other as family. You have a great opportunity to teach a wonderful lesson that can work out well if you play your cards right
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Old 05-14-2012, 09:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverSabre25 View Post
First off, congratulations to your twin who did make it and my condolences to the twin who didn't.

Second, props to you for letting your kids experience this.

For the future, I think the best thing you can do is give them the emotional tools and coping skills to handle this situation--let them know that it's okay to feel sad, jealous, etc, and what the constructive ways are to handle and express those feelings.

Maybe you can find a way for the twin who didn't make the team to not always have to go to the practices? He could go play with a friend maybe, or stay with someone else? If he does have to go to all the practices, can you give him something to do like play Nintendo DS or on your phone/laptop/something?
Excellent advice .

I'd also like to add - my youngest son was also an excellent ballplayer, but he didn't make his first all star team, either. He got so nervous that he made himself sick (literally ) and of course didn't do well at the tryout. He used it as motivation to work hard that season and be better prepared the next time. He never "blew" another tryout (his term, no pun intended) and actually has ended up playing all the way through college, so just let your guy know that all is not lost just because of one not-so-good tryout .
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Old 05-14-2012, 09:35 AM
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I am a twin and I think you are handling this excellently. The only other bit of advice is to look for something that non-player twin can get involved in over the summer. His summer should not consist of going to games to watch his brother play. Whatever non-player is doing, player twin should be there to support him too! They should learn to take the hard knocks, cheer each other on, have experiences a part from each other and basically start seeing themselves as individuals, not a package deal (just as you should start seeing them).
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Old 05-14-2012, 09:39 AM
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Conrats to the all star player!

I think there are going to be a lot of times in their life where they will not be equal. The best thing is to encourage them to just try harder next time. Have they thought about persuing different interests at all? Maybe one can try a different activity they havent tried before. I know it must be incredibly disappointing for the one that didnt make it but he could try something on their own. There is bound to be a lot of competition and jealousy as they get older with friends, girls, school, etc.
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Old 05-14-2012, 09:52 AM
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Thank you all for the excellent advice. I do think I will let the one who didn't make it try something else while his brother is in l stars. We do always play the same sports and same team, main reason being because I am a single mom and have no one else that can help get them to their practices and games. The problem in our town is that there isn't alot of things to do during the summer as far as sports leagues BUT we do have karate at the YMCA and he has been wanting to do that forever but with two (they both want to do it) it's so expensive (40-50 each per month per child) but I can probablly swing it for just one of them.

Everyone made such great points and has given some great ideas and I appreciate it. This has been so hard for me but I know it will get easier. It has to start somewhere and now may as well be the time.
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