Hi ladies,

I posted about this issue the other day. I have a family that I take care of their two kids. They are now divorced. I don’t deal with the dad anymore. The mom still has them coming here 2 days a week and the dad pulled them from my care and put them in kindercare. The reason he gave is he felt like the wife was watching him, and was a threat to him. He has very odd strange paranoid behavior. The mom sent me a text today telling me that her lawyer said I have to go to court whether I like it or not to testify about the behavior I witnessed from him. I absolutely do not want to do this. I don’t want to take sides in court and he will get very angry because he’s never really done anything to me. I’m afraid if i have to go to court and say anything against him he will ruin my business. I’m not sure why the mom is dragging me in this. What can I do? Do I have to go to court? I’m sick over this. Today she got a restraining order against him and he’s lost 2 weeks of custody with the kids. I just don’t want to take sides. Has anyone dealt with this isssue?

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Have you received a subpoena?

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I have not received a subpoena yet.

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I dont know what to say, did you explain to the mom that due to state regulations that you cannot get involved or did you explain to mom that you are a mandated reporter and that if you suspect something that you would contact dhr?

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I did but she’s not hearing it. I better check what my state laws are. I’m not licensed since I only keep 4 kids and it’s not required so I’m not sure it would even apply to me.

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Even though you aren't licensed, I would call your local licensing agency. They may have some resources and guidance for you.

On a side note, I would be all done caring for this family. Mom has no respect for your boundaries and the dad obviously makes you nervous. I'd be getting them all our of my house and life ASAP!

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If she was granted a restraining order then she doesn’t need anything from you.

Does she fear he’d hurt/harm the kids?

If not, they deserve access to their father regardless of how mom feels about him.

They’re divorced from each other not their children (each of them) and the kids should have a right to unbiased time with both of them.

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No subpoena = no court appearance

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I dealt with similar issue last year. Mom wanted me to serve a restraining order and divorce papers. I told her absolutely not. She pulled the next day. Dad retaliated, asked me to testify on his behalf, I again said no. Dad denied mom to talk to or see child for 3 months.

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I’ll call in the morning to find out what the laws are. I told the mom again I do not want to go to court. Since she thinks he has the potential to be harmful she is saying I would be helping the children. 🙄 I’m just going to have to wait and see what happens this week.

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I would tell mom to find new care. If she thinks he is potentially harmful then you can no longer care for the children.

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She is full of it.

He is not paranoid, he is being smart. This is common advice for equality in fathers rights. He should not have ongoing strings with her post-divorce. He is free to choose where his kids go and what they do on his time. He is an equal parent. She needs to back off.

She does not get to control him anymore, he is free of her and the kids do not belong to her. That is the blessing of divorce, he is free of her control and gets to enjoy parenting his kids his way, on his time, without her interference.

She sounds like a real piece of work to me. Her days of owning him are over and she needs to let go or she may lose much more than control.

She also does not get to control you. Her golden uterus days are over. She is 50% of her kids' life, now.

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If I were you, I'd start pointing out the positives in what you have observed with the father. Regardless of how he makes you feel or if you think he's weird etc or not.

Let her know that ethically, morally and legally you must state your observations in an unbiased manner without malice or personal feeling in support of either parent as your role is CHILD advocate.

Odds are once she understands that you will be shining a light on him as a parent, she'll back off.

I also HIGHLY doubt her lawyer said you have to go to court whether you like it or not. Lawyers don't generally speak that way. They subpoena you.

I'd also let this mother know that if she coerces her attorney into getting a supoena for you, that SHE will be responsible for ALL lost wages for you as well as any other costs you may incur having to be part of this mess.

I'd rethink calling her a friend too... she's definitely not behaving as one in regards to your feels or your profession as a provider. Those actions say alot about what type of a person she is. (*selfish )

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This! If you felt the child was ever in danger, you would have reported it. I would also tell mom that you saw no concerning behaviors from dad and would report that to the judge. As long as dad has a healthy relationship with the kids, it's in their best interest to have 2 parents in their life.

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I would terminate care with mom for sure. Let her know that being drug into their custody battle is not acceptable in your daycare. If you are served the subpoena, you will abide by what the law says you have to do, but the only information you have concerning dad is that he paid on time, showed up on time, and his kids were in good health(if that was the case). Beyond that, any other info is purely speculation or second hand info from the mom. You weren't in their home with them, you are not involved in their private life, so you cant really give a fair statement on what happened outside of daycare. As far as dad's paranoia, he was worried about the mothers behavior, and to his credit, he may have had a point, since she was able to get a restraining order and he lost some custody of his children. If there is more to his story, they have plenty of other people they can go to to find out and cooberate her story. The daycare provider is the person with the least info concerning dad's Behavior. We see the parents for less than 20 minutes each day, so there are plenty of other people in his life who spend far more time with him.

But regardless of whether you end up having to testify, the mother has pushed the boundary too far and now she needs to be terminated. Daycare is a neutral environment for the sake of the child. The provider should never be used as a pawn in a parental custody battle. The only time a provider should be involved, is if abuse is suspected or seen, in which case, the provider would report that directly to the state. If you've never felt the need to report this father prior to this event, then the only information you can offer is whether he paid on time, showed up on time, and his kids were in good health. And if he did those things, you may end up helping dads case more than hurting it. Good luck to you!

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this is good advice. only testify/write a statement when and if your subpoenaed . some family court issues dont actually happen in a court room but in mediation and you may be sent/served a questionnaire from the court. if you are subpoenaed, dont ignore it ( i dont think anyone would) stick with things like the dad did/didnt do these things then list them off ex: drop off pick up on time, come pick up when child is sick, fill out proper paperwork, bring proper supplies, pay on time. any results that you think important of daily wellness check ( that mental check you do at drop off like notice runny noses, see scrapped knees and marks etc). make it known that you are a required reporter and that your required by your state ( if the laws in your state are there) that you are to remain neutral. only answer questions asked of you. dont expand or explain further or offer any other info other than whats questioned of you. i do think termination of care should also be your next step, either way this situation doesnt sound like it will end well. either the mom will be mad because you kicked her out and that prob will come with a bad review and some type of negative connotation about you to anyone she meets. or she will be mad and upset about the info you provide when subpoenaed.

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Definitely replace this family, too!

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I keep 4 and am license exempt as well. I also had this situation a couple of years ago. I was frank with Dad, told him that going to court would require me to close, which would cost *someone* money to replace my missed wages, as well as the fact that I would be inconveniencing my DC families (including his) and that I don't prefer to do that for something that's not even my issue. I added that the only things I would have to say were positive ones since I'd seen no mistreatment on Mom's side and lastly I really didn't like being put in the middle of a personal issue between them when they were both my clients (I also kept Dad's new stepson and Mom's new baby from her new marriage. This all was about their 4 year old son that they had together.) I didn't term because he took my feelings into account and dropped it. I would have termed if he had pushed it.

You have to stay neutral here. Unless you get a subpoena, you don't have to do anything, but I would have a similar conversation as I did ASAP where you let her know how badly this is going to end up for her if she continues to push it. I would not continue care if you are subpoenaed and I would tell her your intentions in advance. I say all of this assuming you have no concern for the child's wellbeing (ie: no signs of abuse or actual neglect). If you do, the authorities should be notified, but you should not be a part of a custody battle. This is business, not personal.

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I was subponed many years ago to testify. The attorney deposed me over the phone to see if I was actually needed so I did not have to close my daycare. At the time I was only licensed for 6 and did not have a helper. The dad was not happy that I told the truth. It was not flattering for him.

So here is my personal experience. This is about the child. It’s not about me, mom or dad.

I was the only constant thing in this boys life with all the changes he was experiencing. Did I want to terminate due to not wanting to be involved? Not for one minute. We are a huge part of these children’s lives.

I know it is easy to ditch the problem. I always ask myself “if this was my child, what would I want “?

So my advice , BE HONEST NO MATTER WHAT! Oh and tell her you need to be subponed to go.

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