This is my biggest problem in child care, and I would greatly appreciate any help deciphering the better of the two, or a new route altogether?

If I suck it up, then my income is secure, but then dcp's tend to walk all over me...over...and over...again, by disrespecting, condescending, and exhibiting confrontational behavior, til I'm unsure of myself, angry at myself for allowing it, depressed, and burnt out, hating my child care. After all the layers of frustration that build up, that's usually when I erupt like a volcano. Then there is no holding back, and I'm shaken, my nerves are shot, and what I say then is usually unprofessional cause my emotions take the reins......and the dcp's, more often than not, tends to leave.

If I say it, then I'm relieved and excited to have empowered myself. Feel overall better about the child care and where it's going, by my standards....but then the dcp's treat me like I'm a big ol bit..! I start to self doubt, and worry about their loyalty and my income if they are not happy, and are thinking of leaving. That's usually when the passive/aggressive dcp's really start to show what their made of. I become challenged by them regularly, while they test the waters, just to see what I'll do. I find myself walking on egg shells waiting for their next challenge to arise. The friendly co-working atmosphere I value and try so hard to achieve is gone, until........the dcp's, more often than not, tends to leave.

I realize not all dcp's are like this, but then, some are. I have some right now who fit the mold to a tee!

What do you do?

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I am, quite honestly, dealing with the same internal struggle. I feel so exhausted mentally.

I am finding that I really can't just "let things slide" when they know what I expect and why I expect it. I am not unreasonable and I do explain the things I am asking of them. So, when they do something that is different/breaks policies I end up confronting them. It is always the passive aggressive parents over here, too.

If I burn out completely from doing this job then my family has no income so I suppose sacrificing one or two rotten eggs family for the sake of my sanity and family's income is worth it. But, I do fret. I need to just stop it and give it to God again.

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I am forward, direct and unapologetic from the get-go.

That way no one is surprised or taken aback when I assert myself.

I don't worry about parents not liking my rules because my rules are my rules for MY benefit and if my rules are something they can't live with then I can't/won't work with them so it's a win-win for both parties.

I used to worry too about the same things but I will tell you that from experience it seems that the more upfront and firm I am about my policies, the more calls and inquiries I have received. Seems being direct, confident and firm actually makes families stand back and take notice of you and then WANT to be in the program.

No clue why but I am not going to question it when I have a good thing going...kwim?

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I say it in a manner that I hope will be constructive to our relationship. I had a DCM who was always bringing her son in sick. I sucked it up, sucked it up and then erupted like a volcano when he came with a nasty looking sore on his lip! I put my foot down and made her take him in for a dr's note (which claimed he wasn't contagious and could return to group care) but that kinda sealed the deal and I think she looked at the preschool her DD goes to that very day! They didn't take him until he was 2, actually accepted him before he was 2, but she gave me 3 mos notice that he would be going to preschool after the holidays. I was pissed at myself for blowing up one tiny thing that ended up being nothing but there were like 10 other things I let slide. Now I don't let that stuff slide. I just say what needs to be said, even if my stomach is turning while I say it. If someone is sick, I send them home or ask that they're kept home if I get notification before they come. I feel much better about myself for this now and don't let little thing bug me as much. Now I'm not eager to fill spots and just happy someone even gives me the chance to watch their child. Now I know I have excellent references, clients who believe in me and my ability to care for their child and experience built up in the 18mos I've been "open". Now I have someone who's very interested in my program and actually paid a deposit to hold the spot until she can get up here to sign on. She's very excited and it really made me proud. It wasn't someone who knows me from someone else, or someone who got my name off a list, it was someone who saw my ad, inquired, liked what she found and is happy to enroll. Not someone who really has no other option because infant spots are hard to come by and I'm the only one willing to take their child on such short notice or something. I don't like that feeling. Kinda like I'm "good enough" but not what they would have chosen had they interviewed everyone with an opening in 2 weeks time and made a decision. Those people for some reason don't choose me. Well some of them do... One did and then quit her job after 6wks, one did and then quit her job before even starting!

Anyway, I've learned that having confidence and not seeming desperate to please helps. I don't want to seem callous or rude, but I also want them to know I'm in charge of MY business. They're MY clients. It needs to work for BOTH of us. I'm not going to change all my rules and hours and such for them. If my rules, hours, etc. don't work than I'm sorry!

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Your policies are in place for a reason. People don't try to negotiate with a bank's policies or a lawyer's. This is your business and they are your clients. Respect yourself enough to be a professional and enforce your policy. Who cares if they think you're a b-? I'm sure every business owner gets called an a-hole for enforcing what's best for their business. If you're running a good operation and providing quality service, then the clients will be there. Don't sweat losing the jerks.

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I'm not a forward, direct person by nature. I'm very much an introvert, so I used to get walked on in the beginning. But looking back now, I'm so thankful for those $h!tty moments because it helped me grow a backbone. I was burned one too many times at the expense of my family. When it started affecting my family, it had gone too far and gave me the confidence to put an end to the madness.

I ended up terming my first family and then changed my policies to not have it happen again - and made sure I covered those very important policies in interviews and flat out told the dcps that if these policies don't work for you please find another provider because these are not negotiable and are in place because of the commitment I made to my own family.

So basically, I'm saying weed out who you need to. Set your policies and stand firm on them. And don't accept families into care who aren't willing to comply with your policies and then you don't have to be the bit..!

I love what BC said:but I will tell you that from experience it seems that the more upfront and firm I am about my policies, the more calls and inquiries I have received. Seems being direct, confident and firm actually makes families stand back and take notice of you and then WANT to be in the program. That is absolutely true!!

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Most of my families are very considerate. I have one dad who tells me to charge him a late fee when he's one minute late...I don't charge until they are five minutes late! I have had to speak up about my illness policy this winter and be strict about requiring outdoor clothes. I don't feel bad about it. It's my job, my house, my business. I haven't gotten much grief about it from parents. The one time I did, I was really clear that it was non-negotiable, and the family actually apologized for their response.

Have you heard that raising your prices can sometimes bring in MORE business as people think if it's expensive, it must be better? Like BC said, I have found that being straightforward, clear, and confident about enforcing my policies has actually had the effect of parents being more considerate overall.

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Completely understand! Its a difficult thing to balance standing your ground but also remaining polite. I hate having difficult discussions with parents and used to let ALOT of things slide. I have more of a backbone now but still have trouble enforcing my rules with parents. Just want you to know that many of us deal with this exact struggle.

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I as well get this and have been walked on many many times ,,,,, since finding this site... I have become a little more backboneish.... its funny for my husband and kids say boy mom since when did you become mean with your clients.... lol...
I've still got a long way to go.... but hopefully it will come

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Thank you everybody for your insight.
Butterfly mentioned her personality type as an introvert. I too am an introvert and feel some dcp's realize that and take advantage.
There are the respectful dcp's that I'm fine with, and can handle setting limits with policies. Then there are the not so respectful dcp's, and I struggle.
Wish there were an easier way to find the courage to do what needs to be done.

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Yep, introvert here too, plus I've been told many times over that I'm 'too nice'. Not a good combination.
The only current problem I seem to have is 1 dcf who occasionally picks up late, such as last night dcd came at 5:20 instead of 5, my closing time. They're a wonderful couple, the kids themselves can be a challenge(but what kid isn't??). I keep letting the 'too nice' compassionate side win over. They've been through so much as a family since I've known them(lots of car accidents and break downs, they just lost their home about a month or so ago due to fire). So the humanistic caring side of me lets them be late 2-4 times a month(most of the time dcm does pick up early) but the business side of me says 'oh man, on a Friday??'
And ya know what? I probably won't change. It's just who I am.
There are times when I do speak up about other issues but this particular family and particular issue I let go right now.

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Me, too.
What made me start enforcing my policies was the fact that TOO MANY families took advantage. I have around 12 families here usually (licenaed for 12) so with the higher number comes a higher chance of getting entitled clients/demanding clients.

My rule followers are always GREAT. But, I always seem to have one or two that try to fight the rules THEY agreed to follow. Now i care less and less when I offend (and the only reason Incare is because i know they will pull and that is my familys income).

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This is it exactly. You need to be polite, professional and proactive.
The moment I see a problem, I address it, politely but firmly. If it isn't something I want the child in on, I will call after hours.
Do NOT let something slide unless you are ok with it being permanent. If you want to make an exception, make it Very clear from the beginning that this is an exception and in the future "this" will be applied.
You don't have to be a bi*** to be firm and clear.

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exactly

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I have a MUCH easier time dealing firmly and confidently with the pushy, domineering, me-first, holier-than-thou types. I don't put up with people pushing me around, I actually enjoy telling these types "no!". It feels good.

Now, when it comes to being as firm and confident with the soft spoken, meek and charity-seeking types.......the backbone crumbles. I am recovering softie and am trying to get better at saying no to every sob story, especially when the welfare of kids is involved.

Lets say I had a parent interview and pushy lawyer lady said she needed an early drop off time so she can get to work early to have coffee with fellow lawyers. No. That's an easy no for me, no problem. But the next parent interview with a lady who works at McDonalds needs an early drop off time so she can get to the bus stop......I would have a hard time saying no.

Does that make any sense? I don't react well to pushy disrespectful types. I also don't like to say no to the sympathy cases.

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I agree with others that you need to be firm but also check your rules to make sure you don't have too many or they aren't too restrictive.

I find a good combination is not having too many rules but the ones I do have need to be followed. For example, I could never charge a late fee for 1 or 2 minutes over their pickup time. I base late fees on if it is a regular occurence or a one time thing. I don't sweat if someone forgets their jacket and it is cool out. I have spares. It is annoying but I'm not willing to sweat these types of things. Now if they repeatedly don't bring necessary items then I will be firm.

So just make sure you are not making a lot of what I consider to be nit picky rules but be firm but kind with the really important things.

Laurel

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I'm not an introvert but I am a people pleaser and I had a tough time with asserting myself. I had to remind myself that I wanted to be in daycare and run my own business because

1. I wanted to run things the way I wanted to run them (not take orders)
2. I wanted to be my own boss (not take orders)
3. I wanted to provide what I though in my head was an ideal program, what I was looking for in a program
4. I wanted to be clear of what was expected of me and what I expected from families

When I was burning out and unhappy it was because things weren't going as I envisioned them and I realized it was my fault. I was letting it happen. I rewrote my contract, added a handbook and one by one I gave them to each currently enrolled family. I waited until the "dust settled" to see how it was going to work out with each family as I gave them each the changes. I spoke to each of them individually and I think I spaced each out to every 2 weeks.

Then I made a list of the families that continued to be knuckleheads and put them in order from worst to best. Then I started advertising and told potential clients that I would have an opening after I gave a client their two week notice. Some asked why I was letting a client go and I just said I couldn't discuss that with them but "please, read the policies and follow them and we will all get along great". They got the point and it was apparent WHY I was letting a client go without having to say it and it set the standard for the new client. At that point it was obvious, if you don't follow the policies I will let you go.

After replacing the first family or two it was miraculous, everyone seemed to get on board . After the first family was gone my 2nd worse family still tried to get extra from me so I just added fees to everything.
DCM: "Hey Marina, I'm a little short on money this week. Is it ok if I pay you on Monday instead of Friday?"
ME: "Oh yeah sure, no worries. Just add the extra $30 and bring it all on Monday morning"
DCM: "...(5 seconds of silence)... um .. ok. I'll bring it Friday"
ME: "Okay, whatever works best for you. Have a great day!"
It Felt GREAT and I loved doing my job again.

Now during interviews I go over my policies with the parents so that there is no way they can "Oh, I didn't know that".

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I'm not an introvert or people-pleaser. I am just nice. I would do all kinds of special, which individually was no big deal. A late pick-up here, an early drop-off there, no biggie. Pay late? Yeah, okay, all my other families paid this week. But it was always one special request after another with 6-8 different DCFs, and it all started to add up quick, and I was getting so sick of it. I was afraid to be a stickler about my policies, and thought everyone would surely leave if I wasn't going to be flexible...no matter what they were asking for.

Then, I found this forum. I wish wish wish I had found it a decade sooner. It was such a comfort to know that all providers deal with constant special requests *if* they allow it, and they ARE asking for too much, and it IS okay to not make exceptions. Thanks to the helpful threads on here, I rewrote my handbook and some of my contract, and found my backbone to enforce it.

I had an interview on Saturday, and they signed on then and there. The DCM told me she was so impressed that I clearly knew what I was doing (referencing my handbook). She also liked that I didn't mind explaining why some things were the way they were (either a licensing regulation, how and why it works better for group care, or a way of protecting my income or personal time). It was the first time during an interview that I made it crystal clear that there would be NO EXCEPTIONS from what was spelled out on the paper, and it was perfectly fine! Who knew?!

My advice for KiddieCahoots is to start small. You didn't say what it was that the DCFs are being all P/A about, but I assume it's the usual late pick-up, late payment, bringing sickly kids, kind of stuff that darn sure should be respected. Pick only one of the things you just can't deal with anymore, address it or draw up a new policy in a professional e-mail or letter to take home, then strictly enforce it. STRICTLY ENFORCE IT (it's only hard the first time!)! It can even be different things for different DCFs, just make it look like it's being addressed as a group thing. As time goes on, you can address more issues until it's all ironed out.

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Another way to go about it is a friendly e-mail or letter to distribute at a natural transition time, like summer break/back-to-school/new year, that says something along the lines of "being the time of year to review policies." One of the gals on here has a GREAT one, light-hearted yet professional.

Then, when a DCF is out of line or asking for special, you can reference the "reminder" that was recently sent home. Rinse and repeat.

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KIDZRMYBIZ thanks for the advice, I've gone ahead and done just that.
Added more to my hb, and asked dcp's to sign & date every page and I'll return to them a copy, so there will be no more, "oh I didn't know about that".

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