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Old 01-24-2018, 07:43 AM
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Default Leaves Me Shaking My Head.......

I have a mom of a 15 month old that came in today saying, "Well I had him dressed but then he wanted to wear his race car pajamas." Unzipped his coat and he is wearing the pajamas! What?! I have another family with a 22 month old. They told they were going shoe shopping. They came in the following morning saying, "We had to go to three different stores last night before she would agree to getting a pair shoes. She kept saying no to all the choices. She wanted purple shoes. Thank goodness the third store had purple ones!" Sorry, who is the parent?
This kind of parenting drives me nuts! No wonder there are so many parents having issues with their children as they get older when this is how they deal with situations! Giving kids at such a young age so much power only teaches them to continue the behavior.
These comments leave me standing there with my mouth open wondering if I just heard correctly what was said.
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Old 01-24-2018, 09:22 AM
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Oh that drives me crazy! My sister and her husband did that same sort of thing with their daughter and it got worse as she got older. When she was 10 or 11 she refused to come to a family dinner where we were celebrating a special occasion so they just let her stay home. Um, yeah, when I was 10 or 11 my parents didnít ask me if I WANTED to go do something, they just told me to get ready to go and then we went. Now she is 13 and they have to fight to get her to do anything at all. Itís awful.
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Old 01-24-2018, 10:05 AM
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Yep. See it all the time. DCG4 over Christmas break work the same Santa pajamas FOUR DAYS because she didnít want to change them. Kindergarten outta be fun for mom and dad
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Old 01-24-2018, 10:12 AM
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I have a mom of a 15 month old that came in today saying, "Well I had him dressed but then he wanted to wear his race car pajamas." Unzipped his coat and he is wearing the pajamas! What?! I have another family with a 22 month old. They told they were going shoe shopping. They came in the following morning saying, "We had to go to three different stores last night before she would agree to getting a pair shoes. She kept saying no to all the choices. She wanted purple shoes. Thank goodness the third store had purple ones!" Sorry, who is the parent?
This kind of parenting drives me nuts! No wonder there are so many parents having issues with their children as they get older when this is how they deal with situations! Giving kids at such a young age so much power only teaches them to continue the behavior.
These comments leave me standing there with my mouth open wondering if I just heard correctly what was said.
Sounds like these parents like making things harder than they really are. Most parents do.

Parenting is hard. Especially for first time parents.

But I pick my battles too and worrying about how hard parents make it isn't one of them.
As long as the child is dropped off and picked up on time and can participate in normal daily activities, I'm good.
The rest is in the parent.

My advice is that if this type of thing bothers you, offer the parent some resources on how to help their child make proper choices etc... Support and education go alot further than anything else and some parents truly appreciate it.

Last edited by Blackcat31; 01-24-2018 at 10:17 AM.
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Old 01-24-2018, 12:52 PM
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This actually upsets me because not all children are getting their way when it comes to shoes and clothes. Sometimes, we as parents, choose our battles and yes, sometimes the kid wins. I could totally force my kid to get dressed in the clothes I want her to dress in but is that going to make it a good day or a bad day? A good morning or a bad morning? Even as a fourth time parent, I could really care less what my kids wear. If they want to wear their underwear over their leggings and wear a frog suit over that, I don't really care. That's not the biggest issue in the world. If my kid is up and on the bus with a full belly and clothes on their back, everyone else can kiss my you know what.
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Old 01-24-2018, 12:55 PM
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I'm going to be the odd one out here. It doesn't matter much to me, any of it. The pajama thing doesn't bother me because at this age they develop more independence and want to choose things for themselves. My 3 year old wore his batman pajamas for 3 days straight and I didn't stop him other than to wash it while he bathed. We enter our target and bought 3 more pair like it so I didn't have to wash it every day. A 3 year old wants to be given choices and has very little control of his life so something like wanting to wear his favorite character pajamas as clothes is one choice that I can give him. Clients also, if they bring their child in pajamas that's fine by me as long as they're clean. Now if they expect me to changet them into regular clothes that's where I say no. The child goes home wearing the same thing he was brought in. If I get the "he wouldn't let me change him into his clothes. Here is change of clothes for the day" and question me about why they're still in pajamas at pick up well... "he wouldn't let me changel him into his clothes either".

Again with the shoes. I wouldn't go as far as to go to 3 different stores for shoes but I'd try 2 and if at the second store we still couldn't find a pair he liked I'd pick two pair that were appropriate and he could pick one and if he didn't then I'd say something like "sounds like you're having a hard time choosing. If you can't make a choice I'll choose for you" and that usually gets me a response.

Right now they're developing their autonomy and although I wouldn't let a child play in the street simply because he wanted to because of safety his wardrobe isn't something if fight him over (my son)
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Old 01-24-2018, 01:05 PM
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I'm going to be the odd one out here. It doesn't matter much to me, any of it. The pajama thing doesn't bother me because at this age they develop more independence and want to choose things for themselves. My 3 year old wore his batman pajamas for 3 days straight and I didn't stop him other than to wash it while he bathed. We enter our target and bought 3 more pair like it so I didn't have to wash it every day. A 3 year old wants to be given choices and has very little control of his life so something like wanting to wear his favorite character pajamas as clothes is one choice that I can give him. Clients also, if they bring their child in pajamas that's fine by me as long as they're clean. Now if they expect me to changet them into regular clothes that's where I say no. The child goes home wearing the same thing he was brought in. If I get the "he wouldn't let me change him into his clothes. Here is change of clothes for the day" and question me about why they're still in pajamas at pick up well... "he wouldn't let me changel him into his clothes either".

Again with the shoes. I wouldn't go as far as to go to 3 different stores for shoes but I'd try 2 and if at the second store we still couldn't find a pair he liked I'd pick two pair that were appropriate and he could pick one and if he didn't then I'd say something like "sounds like you're having a hard time choosing. If you can't make a choice I'll choose for you" and that usually gets me a response.

Right now they're developing their autonomy and although I wouldn't let a child play in the street simply because he wanted to because of safety his wardrobe isn't something if fight him over (my son)
This is how I feel about it too. 1000x yes. As long as what they're wearing is clean & weather appropriate I'm fine with it. Defiance is what gets me. Letting them have age appropriate choices doesn't bother me at all.
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Old 01-24-2018, 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted by MarinaVanessa View Post
I'm going to be the odd one out here. It doesn't matter much to me, any of it. The pajama thing doesn't bother me because at this age they develop more independence and want to choose things for themselves. My 3 year old wore his batman pajamas for 3 days straight and I didn't stop him other than to wash it while he bathed. We enter our target and bought 3 more pair like it so I didn't have to wash it every day. A 3 year old wants to be given choices and has very little control of his life so something like wanting to wear his favorite character pajamas as clothes is one choice that I can give him. Clients also, if they bring their child in pajamas that's fine by me as long as they're clean. Now if they expect me to changet them into regular clothes that's where I say no. The child goes home wearing the same thing he was brought in. If I get the "he wouldn't let me change him into his clothes. Here is change of clothes for the day" and question me about why they're still in pajamas at pick up well... "he wouldn't let me changel him into his clothes either".

Again with the shoes. I wouldn't go as far as to go to 3 different stores for shoes but I'd try 2 and if at the second store we still couldn't find a pair he liked I'd pick two pair that were appropriate and he could pick one and if he didn't then I'd say something like "sounds like you're having a hard time choosing. If you can't make a choice I'll choose for you" and that usually gets me a response.

Right now they're developing their autonomy and although I wouldn't let a child play in the street simply because he wanted to because of safety his wardrobe isn't something if fight him over (my son)
Agree as well!!

My own youngest daughter is a bit of a picky princess when it comes to clothes. I either get her the shoes she WILL wear or she will fight with me every.single.day not wanting to wear them! Been there done that! My eldest would go in a garbage bag she couldnít care less.
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Old 01-24-2018, 02:24 PM
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The pajamas thing is a no-go for me if they are one piece. Shoes don't fit well over them and it's a pain to change their diapers. Otherwise, meh.
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Old 01-24-2018, 02:25 PM
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Hmm I do not feel this is reflective of Attachment Parenting.... AP has it'a own challenges but this is not one of them.

What are your policies? Do you allow children to come in pajamas? If so great, the child would stay in the pjs all day. If not I would have said to dcm "no problem please be sure to change dcb into his clothes before leaving" and I would have moved on.

In my case I do not allow clothing with media on it so I have more than once changed a child and sent a note home with a reminder of the school policy.
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Old 01-24-2018, 03:04 PM
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I don't think this is about clothes at all, more that about the kids that run the house. Some days I'd take my kids to 4 different stores to find the right shoes, if we were out shopping, isn't that shopping? However there are times that we are making one stop and they will either pick something there or I will pick for them. Some days they can choose to wear pajamas all day, and some days I need to overrule that choice.

I think OP was commenting more on the parents who are constantly overruled by the child. I have this dcb, he's 2.5 and runs their house. He picks his clothes, his bedtime, his food, if they go somewhere or not. It works for his family. He knows however, that things don't work that way with me, and does fine for the most part.

Do I roll my eyes and shake my head on the inside alot, you bet I do.
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Old 01-25-2018, 06:20 AM
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I don't think this is about clothes at all, more that about the kids that run the house. Some days I'd take my kids to 4 different stores to find the right shoes, if we were out shopping, isn't that shopping? However there are times that we are making one stop and they will either pick something there or I will pick for them. Some days they can choose to wear pajamas all day, and some days I need to overrule that choice.

I think OP was commenting more on the parents who are constantly overruled by the child. I have this dcb, he's 2.5 and runs their house. He picks his clothes, his bedtime, his food, if they go somewhere or not. It works for his family. He knows however, that things don't work that way with me, and does fine for the most part.

Do I roll my eyes and shake my head on the inside alot, you bet I do.
I agree with you. Sounds like it's more a disagreement in parenting styles. A lot of new parents take that "don't say no" philosophy a bit too literally. I'm like you midwestmom. I give choices when I can and overtones I direct what is going to happen. Like Marinna said, kids are developing their autonomy, but they can't handle too much at once. They still need some boundaries, so I think that is where many parents go wrong. Too many choices and not enough direction.
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Old 01-25-2018, 09:33 AM
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This is how I feel about it too. 1000x yes. As long as what they're wearing is clean & weather appropriate I'm fine with it. Defiance is what gets me. Letting them have age appropriate choices doesn't bother me at all.
But is it age appropriate to give a 22 month old the power/choice to refuse all options at multiple stores until the CHILD decides they find something they like/want? That was the case in this situation.

I guess what I am getting at, is I am surprised/shocked at parents giving children, at such young ages, so much say so in decisions about everything in their lives. Not just clothes/shoes, but food they want for meals, bedtimes, etc.
I totally understand listening to your children's opinions and giving them choices as they age, but I feel like some parents go over the top with this and let the children "run the show".
I have two young teenagers, and yes, we have been to multiple stores looking for certain clothes, shoes, etc that they have wanted at times. As toddlers and even preschoolers though, I bought things for them and they wore them, made meals that they ate/didn't eat, put them to bed when we decided it was bedtime. Kids are always going to resist and push back with things, but it is up to the parent to stand firm and follow through. If there is no follow through, the children quickly learn to continue to resist until they get what they want.

I know this is on a whole different level because it involves health, but here is one more situation I had years back.
I had a 6 yo old in care who had a lot of issues with her tonsils. (strep throat, tonsillitis, enlarged tonsils, trouble swallowing food, etc) Dad would tell her that some day she might have to get her tonsils removed because they were causing a lot of problems. Mom (parents are divorced) would tell the child that she wouldn't need to have them removed if she didn't want to. The child would tell me "I don't want to have my tonsils taken out and mom told me it was my decision, so I don't have to do it." I never heard what ended up happening because they moved on after her Kindergarten year.
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Old 01-25-2018, 10:01 AM
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But is it age appropriate to give a 22 month old the power/choice to refuse all options at multiple stores until the CHILD decides they find something they like/want? That was the case in this situation.

I guess what I am getting at, is I am surprised/shocked at parents giving children, at such young ages, so much say so in decisions about everything in their lives. Not just clothes/shoes, but food they want for meals, bedtimes, etc.
I totally understand listening to your children's opinions and giving them choices as they age, but I feel like some parents go over the top with this and let the children "run the show".
I have two young teenagers, and yes, we have been to multiple stores looking for certain clothes, shoes, etc that they have wanted at times. As toddlers and even preschoolers though, I bought things for them and they wore them, made meals that they ate/didn't eat, put them to bed when we decided it was bedtime. Kids are always going to resist and push back with things, but it is up to the parent to stand firm and follow through. If there is no follow through, the children quickly learn to continue to resist until they get what they want.

I know this is on a whole different level because it involves health, but here is one more situation I had years back.
I had a 6 yo old in care who had a lot of issues with her tonsils. (strep throat, tonsillitis, enlarged tonsils, trouble swallowing food, etc) Dad would tell her that some day she might have to get her tonsils removed because they were causing a lot of problems. Mom (parents are divorced) would tell the child that she wouldn't need to have them removed if she didn't want to. The child would tell me "I don't want to have my tonsils taken out and mom told me it was my decision, so I don't have to do it." I never heard what ended up happening because they moved on after her Kindergarten year.
This is called "NO Cry" parenting.

ANYTHING so the child does not cry.
ANYTHING so the child likes them (the parent)
ANYTHING so the child will be their friend, not be frustrated, upset, mad, unsure, independent, etc...

ANYTHING so the child will not cry.

For many today, that is being the perfect parent.
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Old 01-25-2018, 10:07 AM
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This is called "NO Cry" parenting.

ANYTHING so the child does not cry.
ANYTHING so the child likes them (the parent)
ANYTHING so the child will be their friend, not be frustrated, upset, mad, unsure, independent, etc...

ANYTHING so the child will not cry.

For many today, that is being the perfect parent.
I was texting with a provider friend yesterday about this on a different level. We were discussing how we as providers are ready for our 3 and 4 year olds to become independent and helpers but they are the whiners because the parents don't want to allow them to grow up in this way....parents want to baby them and get offended if providers share this with them. Parents think if their precious little xxxx has rules/expectations that is a bad thing and they can't be happy that way???? A four year old is definitely too old to be carried in and peeled off the parent. I do not peel any kids off anymore. Definitely going to be interesting when these kids go to school because no teacher will be ready for this behavior.
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Old 01-25-2018, 10:17 AM
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But is it age appropriate to give a 22 month old the power/choice to refuse all options at multiple stores until the CHILD decides they find something they like/want? That was the case in this situation.

I guess what I am getting at, is I am surprised/shocked at parents giving children, at such young ages, so much say so in decisions about everything in their lives. Not just clothes/shoes, but food they want for meals, bedtimes, etc.
I totally understand listening to your children's opinions and giving them choices as they age, but I feel like some parents go over the top with this and let the children "run the show".
Yes there are parents who go over the top, but that is the nature of some people in general.... in example I am religious but I have friends who are over the top religious to me (i.e. God will heal me, no need for medicine or doctor visits let's pray for it instead.)

My dd was very sensitive to clothing and food even as a non-verbal infant / toddler by being responsive to her clear clues (fussiness until the clothing tag was removed, or the fabric that was bothering her, rashes, etc.) I was able to very early on discover dd has two food allergies one minor and one severe plus eczema. My dd did not run the show.... but I was responsive to her even at a young age. This early information helped us avoid a food that could have killed her in minutes. By contrast my cousin's son had the same reaction to the minor food allergen as my dd yet his mom ignored (and continues to ignore) all the signs her son is sick more often than my dd and has rashes that they have to medicate constantly even though his pediatrician said eliminating the food from his diet could drastically improve the child's quality of life still mom feels he will outgrow it with exposure because she is the mom.... that approach while not life and death is no better than mine even though mom is "running the show"...

I try to not get too involved with my dc families parenting styles, just like I try to not over invest myself in my friends or family members political or religious views.
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Old 01-25-2018, 11:27 AM
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But is it age appropriate to give a 22 month old the power/choice to refuse all options at multiple stores until the CHILD decides they find something they like/want? That was the case in this situation.

I guess what I am getting at, is I am surprised/shocked at parents giving children, at such young ages, so much say so in decisions about everything in their lives. Not just clothes/shoes, but food they want for meals, bedtimes, etc.
I totally understand listening to your children's opinions and giving them choices as they age, but I feel like some parents go over the top with this and let the children "run the show".
I have two young teenagers, and yes, we have been to multiple stores looking for certain clothes, shoes, etc that they have wanted at times. As toddlers and even preschoolers though, I bought things for them and they wore them, made meals that they ate/didn't eat, put them to bed when we decided it was bedtime. Kids are always going to resist and push back with things, but it is up to the parent to stand firm and follow through. If there is no follow through, the children quickly learn to continue to resist until they get what they want.

I know this is on a whole different level because it involves health, but here is one more situation I had years back.
I had a 6 yo old in care who had a lot of issues with her tonsils. (strep throat, tonsillitis, enlarged tonsils, trouble swallowing food, etc) Dad would tell her that some day she might have to get her tonsils removed because they were causing a lot of problems. Mom (parents are divorced) would tell the child that she wouldn't need to have them removed if she didn't want to. The child would tell me "I don't want to have my tonsils taken out and mom told me it was my decision, so I don't have to do it." I never heard what ended up happening because they moved on after her Kindergarten year.
It really does depend! I am a parent who is very strict with things like food, bed time, tv time etc. And some things I am willing to bend on. I have taken my kid to two different stores to find the right shoes....I have also left the store with nothing if she could not choose and we don’t have time to go elsewhere. I am not the type of parent who would ever let their kid go anywhere in their PJs but I understand not wanting to have that battle.

I agree wholeheartedly that some parents are ruled by their kids. I see it all the time and their kids are anxiety ridden wrecks because they do not have any structure. Some parents try to balance structure with autonomy/independence if that makes sense. For me bed time and food is a non negotiable, getting dressed when you go somewhere, brushing your hair every day....my kids never cry because they know it gets them nowhere

I think giving your kid the choice over a medical procedure is bizarre for sure!
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Old 01-25-2018, 12:20 PM
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Yes, I see your point. My kids don't run the show. But I do value their opinions. A medical decision would not be left to my child. Food & bedtimes are decided by me. Though I do include my children in my meal planning each week. They know they have to choose a protein, grain, vegetable, & fruit, but my 3 yo & 6 yo both choose the meal on their designated night each week & they also help prepare it on their night. However, I have the final say. And once the menu is planned& shopping done they don't get to Change it. I understand the kind of parenting you're referring to & it is annoying. But clothes aren't an area I stress about as long as they're clean. And the shoe shopping would depend on several factors including attitude of the child, time I have available, etc. Demanding a certain color/style of shoe would be a no go for me. I usually say these are your 3 choices & then either they choose or I do.
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Old 01-27-2018, 04:35 AM
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Kids who run the home. Ugh. Right now, one of my dcfs is struggling with their twin 3 1/2 yo dds getting out of bed during the night because they WANT to play with the toys in their room. Dcgs are given all sorts of choices of which mittens, hats, etc., they want to wear home(it takes time to make everyone happy). Some mornings they come in their pjs because they didn't want to get dressed(don't a lot of dcs have it in their policies dcks should come dressed and ready for their day???)which, of course takes time from dc because mom dresses them here while breakfast is starting. These 2 dcgs are NOT good at listening, balk at everything I ask of them, will not get themselves ready to go out(although 1 is getting better; I know they can do it!)or get themselves undressed when we come back in. IOW, they refuse to do a lot of things here if they don't want to.
These are children who would bring teeny toys into dc because they wanted to; finally put the kabash on that. They would sleep with chapsticks when they were mere toddlers because they wanted to. Um, yikes!! They escaped from their house one day and were walking down the road 'going to work' they told mom and dad. If not for the neighbors seeing them, omg, what could have happened??
I believe there is a fine line between growing that autonomy that is spoken about and making sure kids KNOW right from wrong, or dangerous situations or when they need to listen to grown-ups. Yes, making choices is great for young children BUT it all comes down to appropriate choices. When it overlaps too much with safety or health concerns, the adult has got to step in. And that is when it becomes difficult for the child to accept the adult does have power and control.
JMO
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Old 01-27-2018, 09:47 AM
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The irony of all of that is that parents are trying to make their children happy, but these are the UNhappiest children around.

Children who have appropriate limits and reasonable choices at appropriate times are the happy ones.
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Old 01-29-2018, 11:36 AM
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Maybe the parents have never heard of "limited choices."

Yes, it's good to let kids have choices, but give the choices between three great outfits that are appropriate for the situation, or a choice between two, appropriate styles of shoes that the parent has already vetted.

Kid's simply don't have the brain power to do much of the "vetting" themselves.
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