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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>What To Do With Child Who Constantly Talks Inappropriately?
AfterSchoolMom 05:13 AM 10-13-2010
I have a SA DCB who is 8, and is constantly talking about violence, guns, shooting, killing, etc. He even sat at my kitchen table last week and told me that he was going to shoot his Dad because Dad said that he couldn't buy a video game! 
If he doesn't like something, he makes comments like "I'm going to get an AK-47 and shoot that" or "I'm going to get a sword and chop off that (insert whatever he's unhappy with)'s head".
He also apparently watches a LOT of youtube videos at home, and they either contain actual bad language or censored bad language. He comes here quoting what he's seen, and is all the time going "what the BEEP!" (he actually says "beep" and not the bad word, but it's implied), etc.
He doesn't seem to enjoy ANYTHING - I can't get him to participate in crafts, games, etc. While everyone else participates, he either does his own thing or stands off to the side making sarchastic or violent comments about the activity (say we're doing an animal craft - he'll say "I HATE lions - they're stupid" or "I'd get my gun and shoot that lion if I saw him!")
Here's the thing. He has NEVER laid an actual hand on anyone here, nor do I believe that he would. He is not physically violent in any way, he just talks about violence. He does his homework with no prompting, cleans up after himself, and generally follows my other rules beautifully. His Mom picks up on time or early and pays on time each week. If it weren't for this issue, he'd be a "perfect" DCB!
He's actually made several of these types of comments in front of Mom, and she just rolls here eyes and laughs it off - apparently he does the same at home and isn't corrected for it. I haven't made a big deal of it yet, because I was hoping that he was just getting used to being here and it would calm down when we all got into our school year routine. It hasn't.
Do I need to talk to Mom about this? I've tried saying something to him, but he completely shuts down when you correct him for anything - even if I say "please don't do that", he freaks out, talking about how everyone hates him and that he wishes he was at his other daycare (I mentioned that in another thread - he told me that he was going to tell Mom that I was mean and that he wanted to go back to his old daycare). Yesterday I got on him for his attitude and he started chanting "I wish I wasn't here, I wish I wasn't here...." over and over.
It's weird, and I don't know how to handle this! Am I making too big a deal of it?
If he doesn't like something, he makes comments like "I'm going to get an AK-47 and shoot that" or "I'm going to get a sword and chop off that (insert whatever he's unhappy with)'s head". He also apparently watches a LOT of youtube videos at home, and they either contain actual bad language or censored bad language. He comes here quoting what he's seen, and is all the time going "what the BEEP!" (he actually says "beep" and not the bad word, but it's implied), etc.
He doesn't seem to enjoy ANYTHING - I can't get him to participate in crafts, games, etc. While everyone else participates, he either does his own thing or stands off to the side making sarchastic or violent comments about the activity (say we're doing an animal craft - he'll say "I HATE lions - they're stupid" or "I'd get my gun and shoot that lion if I saw him!")
Here's the thing. He has NEVER laid an actual hand on anyone here, nor do I believe that he would. He is not physically violent in any way, he just talks about violence. He does his homework with no prompting, cleans up after himself, and generally follows my other rules beautifully. His Mom picks up on time or early and pays on time each week. If it weren't for this issue, he'd be a "perfect" DCB!
He's actually made several of these types of comments in front of Mom, and she just rolls here eyes and laughs it off - apparently he does the same at home and isn't corrected for it. I haven't made a big deal of it yet, because I was hoping that he was just getting used to being here and it would calm down when we all got into our school year routine. It hasn't.
Do I need to talk to Mom about this? I've tried saying something to him, but he completely shuts down when you correct him for anything - even if I say "please don't do that", he freaks out, talking about how everyone hates him and that he wishes he was at his other daycare (I mentioned that in another thread - he told me that he was going to tell Mom that I was mean and that he wanted to go back to his old daycare). Yesterday I got on him for his attitude and he started chanting "I wish I wasn't here, I wish I wasn't here...." over and over.
It's weird, and I don't know how to handle this! Am I making too big a deal of it?
missnikki 06:22 AM 10-13-2010
WOW! That's a tough one...
I'm thinking outside the box on this one- is it possible that you know a police officer that would have a 'chat' with this boy? To the effect of gun safety, threats are punishable, what happens to people who use/threaten to use a gun on someone? I dunno... might be interesting to let him ask an officer about it, to kind of peak his interests into good rather than evil, KWIM?
Otherwise, since you had mentioned that you brought it up to mom and she blows you off...I would document the crap outta this (keep a log of each incident) so that if it gets to be too much you can term based on lack of support from parents.
Final thought- He's 8, he should most definitely know better. How does he do in school- not academically? Is he bullied, small for his age, left with caregivers most of his day? Something has him frustrated and he's not getting the right amount of attention at home. Just my opinion...
I'm thinking outside the box on this one- is it possible that you know a police officer that would have a 'chat' with this boy? To the effect of gun safety, threats are punishable, what happens to people who use/threaten to use a gun on someone? I dunno... might be interesting to let him ask an officer about it, to kind of peak his interests into good rather than evil, KWIM?
Otherwise, since you had mentioned that you brought it up to mom and she blows you off...I would document the crap outta this (keep a log of each incident) so that if it gets to be too much you can term based on lack of support from parents.
Final thought- He's 8, he should most definitely know better. How does he do in school- not academically? Is he bullied, small for his age, left with caregivers most of his day? Something has him frustrated and he's not getting the right amount of attention at home. Just my opinion...
Lilbutterflie 06:24 AM 10-13-2010
Umm, yeah... you definitely need to talk to mom about it. I wonder if his dad is really into guns or hunting???
That is not appropriate talk for daycare, and I'm sure his teacher at school doesn't allow him to talk this way either. He is probably someone the younger ones look up to, or will soon. What if your dck's start talking this way? You'll have to answer to a LOT of parent's concerns!
It's good that he's not physically violent, which definitely makes me think there is some influence at home other than you tube that is making him obsessed with violent acts. Who the heck would show him these kind of videos on you tube?
That is not appropriate talk for daycare, and I'm sure his teacher at school doesn't allow him to talk this way either. He is probably someone the younger ones look up to, or will soon. What if your dck's start talking this way? You'll have to answer to a LOT of parent's concerns!
It's good that he's not physically violent, which definitely makes me think there is some influence at home other than you tube that is making him obsessed with violent acts. Who the heck would show him these kind of videos on you tube?
marniewon 06:27 AM 10-13-2010
You are definitely NOT making too big a deal out of it. How would you like to try to explain to another parent of a younger child when they come to you and ask why little 2yo Johnny told mom he was going to kill her because he couldn't have a cookie before dinner? You have a responsibility to all children in your care, not only physical safety but emotional too. Of course, you already know that - just stating the obvious 
I would have a talk with mom and let her know that that's not acceptable behavior and it will not be tolerated. Find a time out spot away from the other children and put him there every time he says anything like that. Explain to him that that talk is not acceptable and will not be tolerated at dc.
That is very scary that he talks like that at 8! What's going to happen when he hits puberty and the hormones are raging?!? I would be very leary of having this child around other children.
Just curious, why isn't he still at his old daycare? Was he kicked out for this type of behavior or was it some other reason? I know most schools these days have a zero-tolerance policy, and if he talks like that at school, he will be suspended or expelled. You would actually be doing him and mom a favor to nip this now.
I would have a talk with mom and let her know that that's not acceptable behavior and it will not be tolerated. Find a time out spot away from the other children and put him there every time he says anything like that. Explain to him that that talk is not acceptable and will not be tolerated at dc.
That is very scary that he talks like that at 8! What's going to happen when he hits puberty and the hormones are raging?!? I would be very leary of having this child around other children.
Just curious, why isn't he still at his old daycare? Was he kicked out for this type of behavior or was it some other reason? I know most schools these days have a zero-tolerance policy, and if he talks like that at school, he will be suspended or expelled. You would actually be doing him and mom a favor to nip this now.
MommyMuffin 06:50 AM 10-13-2010
I think you are wonderful for putting up with this and trying to help this boy. I personally would not keep him, I would not want his bad behavior rubbing off on my other children and if the mom and dad didnt see it as a serious problem I would feel that without their support I would not be able to change the boys behavior.
I do not have any advice.
Good luck, and your awesome for putting effort into this!!
I do not have any advice.
Good luck, and your awesome for putting effort into this!!
AfterSchoolMom 06:50 AM 10-13-2010
He's not at his old daycare because (and keep in mind that this is what the parents told me) it was a large center and there was some bullying going on (to him, not by him). He had 30 kids in his group in the afternoon, so they were looking for a smaller group.
I don't have any younger kids currently - the youngest here is in the 2nd grade, only one year younger than this child. Everyone else is a bit older, but only by 1-2 years. However, I don't want my own children thinking that this is ok, and I'm sure even the parents of the older kids feel the same way!
I'm half afraid that if I put him into time out, he'll have some sort of breakdown! I realize that I can't let this continue though. I guess I will end up having to talk to Mom about it.
I truly believe that he's not really a danger to the other kids - his comments are never directed at them personally, nor at me. If they were, you can bet that I'd have been on top of that immediately!!!
I don't have any younger kids currently - the youngest here is in the 2nd grade, only one year younger than this child. Everyone else is a bit older, but only by 1-2 years. However, I don't want my own children thinking that this is ok, and I'm sure even the parents of the older kids feel the same way!
I'm half afraid that if I put him into time out, he'll have some sort of breakdown! I realize that I can't let this continue though. I guess I will end up having to talk to Mom about it.
I truly believe that he's not really a danger to the other kids - his comments are never directed at them personally, nor at me. If they were, you can bet that I'd have been on top of that immediately!!!
kitkat 08:17 AM 10-13-2010
I would talk to mom and put dcb on a reward program. DS picked up violence from other kids in Kdg. I did a list of behavior expectations for him: talking using nice words and smart words, do as you are told, look at the person talking to you, no violence, etc. He earns 3 tickets a day and can turn them in for activities (computer time, special things with Dad,...basically anything that he would normally get to do, but now he needs to use tickets). He can lose a ticket if he does not meet the behavior expectation after a few warnings. It worked for him.
Does he need some time of creative outlet to get rid of some negative feelings? Maybe have him draw a picture of how he's feeling instead of using violent words (angry/sad faces).
Does he need some time of creative outlet to get rid of some negative feelings? Maybe have him draw a picture of how he's feeling instead of using violent words (angry/sad faces).
Unregistered 08:35 AM 10-13-2010
At first I was gonna say this is normal boy behavior but WOW no it is not my 2 boys play nerf guns say Im gonna kill you shoot you BUT wow not like this kid. I cant believe Mom laughs it off and YES the schools have a ZERO tolerence policy he WILL be suspended and then expelled. This behavior is far from NORMAL he seems like he would be the type of kid to shot up his high school he NEEDS help it sounds like he may have seem deep mental issues going on. You NEED to tell Mom your concerens ASAP dont let this go on.
kendallina 01:02 PM 10-13-2010
haven't read other responses yet...
That is a little strange...the fact that he talks so violently yet has great behavior. But, the fact remains that he is in group care. I would be very unhappy if my daughter was in group care with this kid and started talking about guns or shooting people. It is completely inappropriate, especially the remarks about him shooting others.
Personally, I would talk with him and mom separately. I would tell him that him talking about shooting others will NOT be tolerated at all while in daycare. I wouldn't do this to correct him right after he's done it, I would set aside some time with just you and him and tell him you'd like to have a little chat. He's old enough to understand and it doesn't sound like he has these boundaries at home and he NEEDS these boundaries. I would also find something to talk about that he likes to talk about (please...there must be something else...lol) and tell him that it's so much better when he talks about that and you'd love to talk to him about that anytime.
With mom I would ask her what he likes to play at home. If she says, nothing or only with the computer, I would tell her that that might be the reason dcb is talking about violence so much and that you need him to stop talking about violence. I would also mention that you're concerned (or say, 'wondering') about how he doesn't play while in care. And then say, I wonder if it's because he's so used to the computer... I use "I'm wondering" a lot, it's not as threatening as "I'm concerned" or "He should".
Good luck
sorry, I guess I'm really into writing books today.
That is a little strange...the fact that he talks so violently yet has great behavior. But, the fact remains that he is in group care. I would be very unhappy if my daughter was in group care with this kid and started talking about guns or shooting people. It is completely inappropriate, especially the remarks about him shooting others.
Personally, I would talk with him and mom separately. I would tell him that him talking about shooting others will NOT be tolerated at all while in daycare. I wouldn't do this to correct him right after he's done it, I would set aside some time with just you and him and tell him you'd like to have a little chat. He's old enough to understand and it doesn't sound like he has these boundaries at home and he NEEDS these boundaries. I would also find something to talk about that he likes to talk about (please...there must be something else...lol) and tell him that it's so much better when he talks about that and you'd love to talk to him about that anytime.
With mom I would ask her what he likes to play at home. If she says, nothing or only with the computer, I would tell her that that might be the reason dcb is talking about violence so much and that you need him to stop talking about violence. I would also mention that you're concerned (or say, 'wondering') about how he doesn't play while in care. And then say, I wonder if it's because he's so used to the computer... I use "I'm wondering" a lot, it's not as threatening as "I'm concerned" or "He should".
Good luck
sorry, I guess I'm really into writing books today.
kendallina 01:04 PM 10-13-2010
A question...does he get a lot of attention from the other kids when he talks like this? Do they think that he's 'cool' when he talks like this? You mentioned bullying at the other childcare, maybe he found something to talk about that leads to people not bullying him anymore...
AfterSchoolMom 01:57 PM 10-13-2010
Kendallina, the other kids don't like it either - actually, they've all told me at one point or another that they don't like him very much. They've never said that to him though, at least in my presence. I find it kind of sad. 
He was the last one to go home today, so I attempted to sit him down while we were alone and have a talk with him - it's like banging your head against the wall. He immediately goes on the defensive completely shuts down. UGH!
Thanks so much for your advice, everyone - I really appreciate it.
He was the last one to go home today, so I attempted to sit him down while we were alone and have a talk with him - it's like banging your head against the wall. He immediately goes on the defensive completely shuts down. UGH!
Thanks so much for your advice, everyone - I really appreciate it.
kendallina 02:33 PM 10-13-2010
Originally Posted by AfterSchoolMom:
Kendallina, the other kids don't like it either - actually, they've all told me at one point or another that they don't like him very much. They've never said that to him though, at least in my presence. I find it kind of sad.
He was the last one to go home today, so I attempted to sit him down while we were alone and have a talk with him - it's like banging your head against the wall. He immediately goes on the defensive completely shuts down. UGH!
Thanks so much for your advice, everyone - I really appreciate it.
Wow, I'm sorry to hear that he shut down today. This must be very frustrating...Kendallina, the other kids don't like it either - actually, they've all told me at one point or another that they don't like him very much. They've never said that to him though, at least in my presence. I find it kind of sad.
He was the last one to go home today, so I attempted to sit him down while we were alone and have a talk with him - it's like banging your head against the wall. He immediately goes on the defensive completely shuts down. UGH!
Thanks so much for your advice, everyone - I really appreciate it.
QualiTcare 10:04 PM 10-13-2010
i think you should talk to his mom about it. she probably knows it's an issue, but just blows it off because it's easier than dealing with it. like other posters said - you don't want it rubbing off on the other kids. i've never let my own kids have toy guns (they don't even ask for them - they know it's not an option) or pretend to play or talk about guns. i'd be annoyed if a kid at daycare was talking like that and making my kid think it was acceptable after i've tried so hard to teach them the opposite. i used to play guns when i was a kid, but times have changed. my daughter who has never played or pretended with weapons got in trouble at daycare when she was 4 for saying she was going to shoot someone. she said a boy told her to say, "i'm going to shoot myself and then shoot everyone" or something like that - and then when she said it, he told the teacher what she said. the director approached us from the standpoing of, "if she had said that at school it could've been serious, blah blah." of course, when she talked about it, my daughter hadn't yet told me what the boy had done - which i believe because guns and killing wasn't even in her vocabulary. it was irrelevant anyway. she said it.
maybe you could approach the mom from that standpoint - that with all the "zero tolerance" stuff at schools these days, you're afraid he's going to get into trouble. you could even say another parent is concerned because their child has started repeating some of the things her son says. yes, lie! whatever it takes - i think you need to make this mother aware that it's not okay.
maybe you could approach the mom from that standpoint - that with all the "zero tolerance" stuff at schools these days, you're afraid he's going to get into trouble. you could even say another parent is concerned because their child has started repeating some of the things her son says. yes, lie! whatever it takes - i think you need to make this mother aware that it's not okay.