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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Need Advice, Trying to Help Parents with Very Difficult Toddler
Valerie928 09:42 AM 08-14-2019
Dcg is 21 months, been coming to me since she was 2 months, 5 days a week, 8.5 hours and she is just fine for me. Very rarely misbehaves. If she does misbehave a simple time out works fine. All in all dcg is pleasant for me.

A little about dcg parents. They are older, mid 40's. They have admitted to me that they are/ were set in there ways before dcg came along and have a hard time integrating her into their every day lives. They both like alone time away from dcg and seem to strive for that. I kinda feel like dcg senses this??

The problem is this. Dcg turns into a completely different child the moment her parents are around. At home she hits them, kicks them and defies almost 100% of everything they are doing with her. She is very very difficult.

The parents put her in time out. They put her in her crib so they can breathe a minute. They are NOT coddling her. They are not letting her have her way ect.

Again, I have no idea what to do to help these parents. My own children never exhibited these behaviors. And like I said, dcg doesn't act badly here.

Any advice? I can't see what goes on in their home so what really goes on there I will never know. These parents look defeated. But the fact that they seem to not have her as priority could be an issue???
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BumbleBee 10:14 AM 08-14-2019
Sounds like she's found a way to get their attention
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Valerie928 10:44 AM 08-14-2019
Originally Posted by BumbleBee:
Sounds like she's found a way to get their attention
I never thought of this☹ You are probably right. Here she receives a lot of my attention. At home probably not so much.
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Mom2Two 11:28 AM 08-14-2019
The parents need to learn to love. They need to spend special time together each day--reading stories on lap, trips to the park.

The kid isn't a small sized adult. She has developmentally appropriate needs.

I'm a talker, so while I do try to not judge or micromanage, parents here also get "positive guidance."

I would start talking about how children do need lots of positive attention and lots of patience and then a little firmness with some appropriate personal boundaries.

But 20 mths old would be at the beginning of learning boundaries. She's not going to learn to keep quiet while parents have "me" time. They need to learn to do what the rest of us do--have "me" time during naps or after bed time.
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Cat Herder 11:50 AM 08-14-2019
I'd start with suggesting the parents keep a journal of how much time they are actually spending with her, uninterrupted and without distractions, every day for one week. That may shine some light on it. Then reevaluate.

Kids have a right to feel angry and hurt. Punishing that can lead to self-alienation over time.
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Valerie928 12:34 PM 08-14-2019
Originally Posted by Cat Herder:
I'd start with suggesting the parents keep a journal of how much time they are actually spending with her, uninterrupted and without distractions, every day for one week. That may shine some light on it. Then reevaluate.

Kids have a right to feel angry and hurt. Punishing that can lead to self-alienation over time.
I think they are just punishing for the kicking and hitting. Not every single thing. Ar least I hope not.
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Valerie928 12:37 PM 08-14-2019
Dad was telling me that mom is at her wits end. They put her to bed by 7:30, even though she naps 2.5 hours here (1-3:30) Dad said mom watches the clock. Can't wait for that bedtime🙁
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Cat Herder 12:53 PM 08-14-2019
Originally Posted by Valerie928:
I think they are just punishing for the kicking and hitting. Not every single thing. Ar least I hope not.
I get it. My point was they need to be punishing less and disciplining, more. They clearly are not listening to her. Communication is not just words. She is angry. They need to find out why then start there. I think you already have a grasp on what it is, they need to see it and actually do something to bring change in their home.

https://www.positiveparenting.com/di...ne-punishment/
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Josiegirl 03:48 PM 08-14-2019
Originally Posted by Valerie928:
Dad was telling me that mom is at her wits end. They put her to bed by 7:30, even though she naps 2.5 hours here (1-3:30) Dad said mom watches the clock. Can't wait for that bedtime🙁
I wonder how much of that 'I don't want to really be here right now' spills out of the parents' time spent with their child? Even a toddler can sense when someone really doesn't want to spend time with them. I agree with the thought that she's begging for attention.
Plus, at 21 mo, are they simply putting her into time out without teaching her the proper ways of interacting? Parent could show her gentle ways to touch rather than using TO. JMO
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Valerie928 05:14 PM 08-14-2019
Originally Posted by Josiegirl:
I wonder how much of that 'I don't want to really be here right now' spills out of the parents' time spent with their child? Even a toddler can sense when someone really doesn't want to spend time with them. I agree with the thought that she's begging for attention.
Plus, at 21 mo, are they simply putting her into time out without teaching her the proper ways of interacting? Parent could show her gentle ways to touch rather than using TO. JMO
I agree they should be teaching her gentle. In my home she is gentle. I have been teaching her since she was mobile because we have a cat that I will not allow to be mistreated. She is gentle with me and the other kids too. Not mean at all. It's attention seeking behavior I am certain.😕 And now that I think about it, it breaks my heart. She is such a cute, smart little girl
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Ariana 06:08 AM 08-15-2019
Unfortunately parents have set her up for failure and experience has taught me they won’t take your advice anyway. Super selfish parents rarely do. They want a quick fix that does not involve a hands on, extra attention approach.

I would suggest that the mom have more one on one time with the child. Just one hour a day to snuggle and reconnect at the end of the day. Maybe a special day once a month. I would say it once and then it is up to them.
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Mom2Two 11:23 AM 08-15-2019
I'm having crazy wishes of wanting to copy these parents on this thread somehow. I know it's crazy...

One tip for that special time is for the parents to get toys that they ALL love. If they can love building lego cars...then do it. If they love building with wooden blocks, then get a big set and do it together. Find children's books that THEY love, and they are more likely to do it.

Grrr. I want to come visit you and just preach my heart out to those parents.
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