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  #1  
Old 10-26-2017, 10:22 AM
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Unhappy How Does Your Daycare Handle Kids Who Are Crying?

Whenever I am dropping off or picking up my LO who is a toddler, I see at least one child crying all by him/herself. And no one cares, like nobody even asks the child what is wrong. I am starting to find it disturbing. My LO sometimes has difficult times at drop-off especially on Monday and his teachers seem really nice in comforting him. However, after repeatedly witnessing a child crying all alone without any teacher to take care of him, it starts to bug me that maybe they are just acting nice to my LO when I am physically there! What if my child cries during the day and nobody gives him attention that he needs?

Is that how teachers are trained to deal with children crying at daycare? Just to leave them by themselves?
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  #2  
Old 10-26-2017, 10:28 AM
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It depends why they are crying. Crying because they are hurt I tend to them. But a tantrum..no. I ignore it and they will eventually realize crying isnt going to help them get their way. How do you know they didnt ask the child before you got there? Sometimes kids cry for no reason or nothing we try to distract them with helps so the best we can do is let them cry until they are ready to play. If we coddle them they wont stop. So it really just depends on why they are crying.

Last edited by MomBoss; 10-26-2017 at 10:31 AM. Reason: Add
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  #3  
Old 10-26-2017, 10:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by janekim317 View Post
Whenever I am dropping off or picking up my LO who is a toddler, I see at least one child crying all by him/herself. And no one cares, like nobody even asks the child what is wrong. I am starting to find it disturbing. My LO sometimes has difficult times at drop-off especially on Monday and his teachers seem really nice in comforting him. However, after repeatedly witnessing a child crying all alone without any teacher to take care of him, it starts to bug me that maybe they are just acting nice to my LO when I am physically there! What if my child cries during the day and nobody gives him attention that he needs?

Is that how teachers are trained to deal with children crying at daycare? Just to leave them by themselves?
Have you asked the teacher?
I would have a couple of kiddos who would cry at drop off. Any attention by mean meant the crying would last. So I would take out projects that I knew would interest the kids and not pay attention to the crying while still paying attention to the crier. When they felt ready to join the group they were always welcomed with open arms and we moved on with our day. I would be willing to bet it's something like that. But you won't know unless you ask.
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Old 10-26-2017, 10:38 AM
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I have a child who periodically starts wailing. She does this at home, also. The best solution I've found is to say, "I'm sorry you're sad. You can come sit with me if you'd like to be quiet and sad. If you need to be loud and sad, you can do that in the quiet corner." She always picks the quiet corner!

Children have different temperaments. Many do NOT want to be physically comforted; they need time to express their sadness and don't want to be grilled about the root of their feelings when they don't even know what that root is. Our job as care providers is to first see if there's an immediate physical reason for the tears, then do what we can to make the child comfortable during the duration of the crying fit so they're able to process those feelings. As adults, we understand this about ourselves; don't you feel frustrated and misunderstood when you get upset in front of a spouse or friend, and that person tries to FIX you instead of giving you space to have those strong feelings?

Different kids need different kinds of comfort. Sometimes, giving them space and letting them see the activity going around them will draw them right out of their sadness.

Also: For some children, crying becomes a method of getting positive attention from their parents. If day care providers shower the child with extra attention when the child cries, then they've reinforced the idea that "crying makes me happy." That's a terrible lesson to learn. We give cuddles and conversation when those kids are NOT crying.
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Old 10-26-2017, 10:38 AM
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Is it the same kid all the time?

It could be that you don't have the whole story. I had a kid on my soccer team (4 yr olds) recently that cried silently the for the entirety of the first two practices... while she was playing soccer. Mom said she would warm up once she got in the groove and she did. If I had been an outsider looking in this would have looked awful, but it was just how she dealt with the situation.

I would just ask a teacher that is actually there. Kids cry for all kinds of reasons. I've often found kids to cry if they don't like an answer I've given them. It is possible that the situation has been addressed or there is more going on than just what you are seeing.

If you do feel its a negligence issue I would talk with the director.
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Old 10-26-2017, 10:54 AM
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There are a hundred reasons, but the previous posters have answered many of those 'what if's'

crying, and allowing a child to feel the full range of his/her emotions (including being so sad that they cry, and allowing them to do so) is NOT negligent.

You could just casually say "Oh is M having a rough morning?" and I'm sure you will get a "YUP!" response only. We really can't share child specific situations with other parents without breaching privacy. eg. Parents are getting divorced, and child is missing other parent. Child has separation anxiety and comforting him/her physically makes it worse. Child is transitioning to a toddler bed and not sleeping well, therefor tired, etc.
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Old 10-26-2017, 10:55 AM
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We all comfort but sometimes comforting does not help at all and sometimes makes things worse. I also find that giving attention for a tantrum cry makes it worse. For example if a child tantrums at drop off and cries and I coddle and cajole that child more than a minute or so, it gets infinitely worse and goes on for much longer. If I say “I am sorry you are feeling sad, would you like a hug? Ok you can come join us when you are finished crying”. It gives them permission to continue crying if they need to and gives them the power to stop if they want to.

Unfortunately in a group setting it is not always possible to give one child all of the attention all day long and some kids literally cry over everything! I also do not see negative emotions as a bad thing. Learning to self soothe is a huge skill that needs to be taught to kids. When they realize they can calm down on their own and they are in charge of their emotions they develop a sense of independance and self esteem.
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  #8  
Old 10-26-2017, 11:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daycarediva View Post
There are a hundred reasons, but the previous posters have answered many of those 'what if's'

crying, and allowing a child to feel the full range of his/her emotions (including being so sad that they cry, and allowing them to do so) is NOT negligent.

You could just casually say "Oh is M having a rough morning?" and I'm sure you will get a "YUP!" response only. We really can't share child specific situations with other parents without breaching privacy. eg. Parents are getting divorced, and child is missing other parent. Child has separation anxiety and comforting him/her physically makes it worse. Child is transitioning to a toddler bed and not sleeping well, therefor tired, etc.


And being sad is okay!!
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  #9  
Old 10-26-2017, 12:00 PM
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I have a DCK (age 2.5) that begins to cry and wail every single day the minute the first parent arrives for pick up.

It's become a routine for the child so it would more than likely appear as if I were ignoring (I am to a degree) the child or not comforting or was even aware...which I am.

But if I attempt to comfort, the child pulls back and if I feed into it, then I am simply reinforcing the crying and the child is fully aware that their parent will come for pick up too....just like every other day. Without fail.

This entire situation is exactly why most providers would never ever allow a parent to view video cameras and/or stay and observe....there is just no way the parent could possibly know, understand or accept (in some cases) the whole story based on a small snippet of the day.
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  #10  
Old 10-26-2017, 01:11 PM
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Everyone else has asked some really good questions. Your post leaves me wondering how large the center is, if it's the same child everyday...and also how long are you hanging around? Maybe someone attended to the child before you arrived or have seen that the child is not injured and they are going to go and talk as soon as they are free.

If you are really bothered by it, you could try opening the lines of communication by asking if the child is okay. But remember that the daycare has privacy concerns and might limit the answer you get depending on where they draw that line.

I have a 3.5 yo with emotional difficulties (diagnosed) and anything can set her off, even when her favorite friend leaves the room to go to the bathroom. Another 5 yo daredevil wails "moooommmmmyyyyy" like crazy when he gets an owie from any little bump or bruise. Unless he needs first aid (rarely) I offer him a hug if I have a moment and he is always magically cured, just like that.
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  #11  
Old 10-26-2017, 08:54 PM
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I have had more than one child over the years who simply did not want to lose my attention to the parent at the door, and is crying because I went to open the door and say hello or goodbye to another child. I assure the child I will be right there, but then, yes, I ignore the crying to give attention to the new arrival or child leaving. Drop off and pick up is the worst time of the whole day.
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Old 10-27-2017, 02:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pestle View Post
I have a child who periodically starts wailing. She does this at home, also. The best solution I've found is to say, "I'm sorry you're sad. You can come sit with me if you'd like to be quiet and sad. If you need to be loud and sad, you can do that in the quiet corner." She always picks the quiet corner!

Children have different temperaments. Many do NOT want to be physically comforted; they need time to express their sadness and don't want to be grilled about the root of their feelings when they don't even know what that root is. Our job as care providers is to first see if there's an immediate physical reason for the tears, then do what we can to make the child comfortable during the duration of the crying fit so they're able to process those feelings. As adults, we understand this about ourselves; don't you feel frustrated and misunderstood when you get upset in front of a spouse or friend, and that person tries to FIX you instead of giving you space to have those strong feelings?

Different kids need different kinds of comfort. Sometimes, giving them space and letting them see the activity going around them will draw them right out of their sadness.

Also: For some children, crying becomes a method of getting positive attention from their parents. If day care providers shower the child with extra attention when the child cries, then they've reinforced the idea that "crying makes me happy." That's a terrible lesson to learn. We give cuddles and conversation when those kids are NOT crying.
110% agree!!

I have 3 yo twins that really feed into the whole 'watch me cry, I'm sad, and need to be coddled' thing. It's been encouraged by the parents. Looking from the outside in, I can see what's going on but being the parent they do what they can to make their children always happy. And that's not always the best route to take. One of them was on the floor crying yesterday, like she should be all covered in blood. When I checked her out, she finally told me that K had pulled her skirt.
I certainly wouldn't base worries on one crying child. Children know how to manipulate adults.
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  #13  
Old 10-27-2017, 06:56 PM
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I would ask, Ive had a few parents ask lately. We have a child on day 4 of daycare whos not sure he likes us. He screams any time hes not sleeping or eating. My boss told us to send him to the quiet corner, where he sits and cries. Today at pick up, a little boy who had been having a tantrum when another childs grandma dropped off, was also crying when she picked up, she says " wow you let him cry all that time?" I told her, No he was fine, then heard that mom was coming soon and started again.
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Old 10-28-2017, 02:51 AM
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I have a crying corner. Almost every child hits a stage where they get stubborn and test boundaries and throw a fit when they learn that I'm not giving in. If that's the case, yes, they are sent to the crying corner to "work out their feelings" and they are welcome to rejoin us when they've calmed down and are ready to talk about whatever it is that has them so worked up. I always try to understand what is happening first, but if that makes them more hysterical, I'm not going to perpetuate that. I'm going to give them space and allow them to calm down.

Obviously, if they've gotten hurt or are just sad because their dog died or they miss Mom, I'll talk with them and comfort them, then suggest an activity to move on to in order to brighten their mood.

As others have said, drop off and pick up times are the most chaotic and seem to be when the kids act out the most. Whether it's aggressive behavior, a sudden need for a diaper change or a tantrum, it always seems to happen just as a parent walks in the door. I've done this long enough that I have just learned that it's a fact of life with kids and not to let it bother me that it looks bad to parents. They're not here all day and they have no clue how it all works behind the scenes as far as typical child behavioral patterns,
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Old 10-30-2017, 11:53 AM
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they are sent to the crying corner to "work out their feelings" and they are welcome to rejoin us when they've calmed down and are ready to talk about whatever it is that has them so worked up. I always try to understand what is happening first, but if that makes them more hysterical, I'm not going to perpetuate that. I'm going to give them space and allow them to calm down.

Obviously, if they've gotten hurt or are just sad because their dog died or they miss Mom, I'll talk with them and comfort them, then suggest an activity to move on to in order to brighten their mood.
Sounds good! I need to remember to make sure and do the talking part. I'm glad for the reminder.
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Old 10-31-2017, 10:06 AM
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My daughter is a crier. I believe she's got some anxiety issues and she doesn't really have the skills to notice when she starts feeling funny or how to cope, so she looks for things to cry about that she feels are "real".

She cries about things being the wrong color, me driving the wrong direction, me putting her socks on in the wrong order...there's no fix for any of that and trying to only exacerbates the crying. So I let her cry and release those feelings and she's usually fine when she's done.

But to an outside person, it would look like I'm ignoring my woefully sad sobbing daughter.
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Old 10-31-2017, 11:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Hunni Bee View Post
My daughter is a crier. I believe she's got some anxiety issues and she doesn't really have the skills to notice when she starts feeling funny or how to cope, so she looks for things to cry about that she feels are "real".

She cries about things being the wrong color, me driving the wrong direction, me putting her socks on in the wrong order...there's no fix for any of that and trying to only exacerbates the crying. So I let her cry and release those feelings and she's usually fine when she's done.

But to an outside person, it would look like I'm ignoring my woefully sad sobbing daughter.
Mine won't eat until she's so hungry that she goes apes*** on us. But she gets it; she'll eventually stop screaming and flailing, and she'll melt onto me while sobbing, "My body is sad because it's too much hungry!"
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