So long story short I have a child, who will be 5 in a few weeks, who has been a bit of a handful. Today he didn't want to join us for lunch. My rule is you don't have to eat but you need to sit with everyone else. He ignored me and continued to take out toys. I walked over and began to put them away and firmly informed him he would be joining us at the table. He had a fit and hauled off and kicked me. Hard! I'm honestly not sure how to proceed. I have never had a child strike me, much less one this age. Anybody else experienced this?

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I would have sent him to bed for naptime immediately AND the parents would be informed.

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I would terminate him immediately. I would have called the parents and told them to come RIGHT NOW.

I have a no violence policy... no exceptions

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This kid would be sent home immediately, no questions asked. Said child would also be put on a two week behavioral probation. If he did it again, he'd be termed. Again, no questions asked. I wouldn't let my own child hit me, I sure as hell am not allowing someone else's child to.

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I didn't even think about initiating a behavior plan. Mine is called a "Plan of Action." Good idea!

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I would call mom out of earshot and tell her what happened (or dad) and to be prepared at pick-up.

Then, I would make HIM tell her what he did, and go sit in another room while you and mom discuss what will be an appropriate consequence. Make sure mom (or dad) really plays up the "I'm so dissapointed in your behavior" angle.

He is not 3...he's 5. He is old enough to have a BIG consequence for this. Loosing something he cares about for a week, missing out on an event, or something along those lines. It's gotta hurt. He should also be expected to "write" you an apology letter or card.

Sending him home or terminating him punishes the parents, not him. Now, if it happened again, or his parents blow it off, then I would do that. But, I think you've got to give him a chance to take his consequences, apologize, and then be forgiven.

Once he does the above, I would forgive him, and say "I love you (or like you) and forgive you, but I will not let you hurt me. So, lets start again, ok?"

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I agree about calling the parent immediately and requiring the child to be sent home.

I would also more than likely term. A 5 year old kicking you is a completely different thing than a 2 year old expressing his frustration.

Personally, I believe that providers need to start dealing with aggressiveness in small children in a much firmer manner so that by the time a kid reaches age 5, they KNOW better and wouldn't dream of hitting, kicking or punching another human being....especially an adult.

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I'd have called and sent him home immediately as well.

As to whether or not to term I think I'd consider the family overall. Are they the type that are going to come pick him up immediately while apologizing profusely and then drill it into his head that he is NEVER to do that again or are they the ones who created this mess and won't give a rip that he did it.....

If they don't give a rip please don't subject yourself or the other kids in your care to that level of violence again.

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TOTALLY get where you are coming from but let's be honest here...half the time when we have young children who hit (under school age) it IS because the parents either allow it or look the other way when it does happen.

As a parent I KNOW my child would never have hit or kicked their adult caregiver.

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for those that send home or terminate.. at what age is it "able to be worked around"?
i can totally see a 4 year old being terminated..he should know better..
but i have had 1 year old slap me in the face.. OMG i was so upset. i told the mom, who said something to him, but what do you really say to a one or 2 yr old?? timeout is one minute for a one year old? what does that do?
what do you really do when you have hitting and kicking from a one yr old?

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i agree 5 yr old could care less about changing daycare.. he needs a consequence!! maybe even on top of terminating because you dont wan that type of behavior to be continuing towards you or the other dcks, but he needs a consequence also for sure! LOL

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You catch their hand and say "NO...NO HITTING!"

Then, you find them something else to do, as in redirect

It's a careful balance if you give it too much attention, they'll do it just to piss you off, and everyone else sees it and also tries it. I termed a family of 4 last year (ages 20m, 20m, 3, and 4) because they ALL did it.

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I had a 1 yr old who liked to slap his mom in the face. She was SUPER firm in saying "NO!!!" to the point that it literally made the child take a step back and go "Whoa!"

Mom said he never hit again.

A consequence to an unwanted behavior has to make a big enough impact to make a child think before he chooses to do the act again or not do it.

I don't know that there is one right or wrong reaction but I do know that if parents (and caregivers) are really firm and strict about it the very first time, the likelihood of a repeat behavior is less.

I still have this kid and they are NOT in the least aggressive or violent.

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Sending him home protects ME

I don't want to be around anyone that hurts me. If he would hurt me he will hurt my son, my property, my other kids. I can't deal with that.

It's not personal. It's ME and what's best for me.

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I guess I would need more information about how this child is otherwise, how the parents are, etc. I'm not a thief, but once when I was 11, I stole something. My sister tried it not too long after and was caught. BIG deal was made out of it (rent-a-cop threatened to haul her off to juvey, dad had to go "talk" her out), and we both never did it again.

I think, unless this is just the icing on the cake with this kid, that he can also learn from this, not just be terminated. He is only 5, after all.

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I've never had a kid of any age raise a hand to me. There is no age limit for me. I make it very clear from day one that I'm the leader and any kid who felt bold enough to raise a hand to me would not be the kind of kid that would work in my program.

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I'm surprised everyone would terminate or call to have the child picked up immediately.

I agree the kicking/hitting is not appropriate, but I feel as though it's my job to make every effort to deal with it as the daycare provider. If I called clients to pick up for this, I doubt they would be returning. (which is actually ok in some cases...)

Maybe I'm just too used to dealing with difficult behaviors with foster kids that I have more of a tolerance for this...

I would have a very frank conversation with this child about appropriate behavior and then they would have a consequence of some sort. -usually taking away a fun activity or something the child really likes. They'd have to earn it back with appropriate behavior. They would need to apoligize and I would also speak to the parents about it.

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I based my reply on the OP's statement that the child has been a bit of a handful.

IMHO, at 5....he shouldn't really be a "bit of a handful"....Rambunctious, all boy maybe but saying he is a bit of a handful to me, is just a nice way of saying he is aggressive/rough/tough to manage.

I am usually inclined to believe that most of us here relay stories and experiences in a "softer light" than they really are...kwim?

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I don't really know ... I had an almost 3-year-old slap me in the face, pinch me, etc. whenever Mom would come for pick up. Eventually I stopped being around at pick-up for that child to abuse. I'd put them over the gate and walk away. I was the ONLY ONE saying, "We do NOT do that to Ms. ___."

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Thankyou for the feedback. I didn't react quickly enough to send him home. I will be speaking with his parent's this evening. I sent his mom a message to give her a heads up about what happened. He honestly is a handful and I would be okay with terming him, but the parent's are great. They are thoughtful, pay on time, thank me , never complain about vacation , etc. He is only here until he starts Kindergarten though and my summer would be much less stressful!

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You're probably right...

The oldest in that group of mine last year was quite a "handful" as well. So was his sister. Oh, and the twins were becomming "quite the handfuls....handsful?"

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Blackcat, you are exactly right! It's not just a boy thing, he is just as you described him above!

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I am also betting the parents are "golden" because they KNOW this about their child already.

I think in this case, terming IS the only option. Unless YOU want to do all the "fixing" and that is ALOT to take on for one child.

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I wouldn't have sent him home, or terminated. But, his little butt would have been in bed INSTANTLY. Alone. Not near his friends.

Then, the rest of us would have had special fun after lunch...and maybe an ice cream sandwich at lunch.

Hopefully he'd have slept several hours, so when Mom and Dad heard what he did, they'd know "Oh..now he will be up til 11:00 p.m"

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I agree that five years old is TOO old for that type of behavior. If he does it to you, I imagine he is aggressive with other children as well. I agree with others.....I'd term. NO WAY I'd tolerate ANY child hitting or kicking me....OR the other kids.

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A lot of regulations though do not allow you to separate a child for any length of time and a lot of regulations wouldn't allow you to "punish" him by with holding food. Even if it is only a treat, we would still not be allowed to not give him one and use that in any way as a form of punishment.

NOT saying I disagree with you...just saying I don't think that would be considered appropriate for many programs per their licensing regulations

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But, there must be loopholes. He refused lunch. The other kids were having a treat with lunch. It wasn't a separation, just a nap time, which he chose to go to early.

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I've never had a dck kick me, but I used to have one who was violent and would attack other kids any chance he got. I was younger then, and my husband (ex) happened to be off work when I first got the kid as it took one of us to keep check on the one dcb. After the first couple weeks though he never made any attempts at hurting someone else.

I DID have a foster child bite me once. He was kicking his brother and I sat him on the floor by my legs. He immediately turned and started trying to pound me with his fists...I grabbed his fists and before I could even think he bit down on my inner leg hard enough that he drew blood...right through the jeans. Needless to say, that was the final straw of his behaviors before I had him removed.

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That makes me so sad...

You did the right thing, it's still sad, though..

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It is the basing it around food. Now if his friends were do to a special project that he had to sit out of because of his behavior, that would be fine.
"Sorry, but little boys who kick Ms ______ don't get to use the glitter glue. You may color on this paper." Or whatever lets him participate minimally, but not with the "special" project items.

And for the original, no, I would not term. I care for many special needs kids, and a one time thing would require some real talk time with Mom and Dad, and a definite correction, but I would not term for a single instance.

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I agree with calling for pick up and possibly terming.

I had a dck head butt me once. Called the Dad for pick up and didn't term. Mistake.


The next time he head butted a 2 year old dcg. I called Dad again for pick up and he kept him out the rest of the week. I used that time to type up his term letter.

I should have termed him the first time he was violent with me.

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I don't believe this child is special needs though.

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Totally agree. One of the reasons I have not had biting issues in my day care is because I deal with it *very* firmly. A typically developing 5 yo should not be laying his hands on anyone in anger, but certainly not his caregiver. This loosey-goosey "oh please stop hitting me, it makes mummy sooooo sad when you hit her" complete with fake crying makes ME want to slap some sense into the parent. If its too late to have the child picked up then I would be stressing to mom and dad that if it happens again they will lose their child care.

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I think you are right, but I think dealing with special needs all the time maybe makes me a little more mellow. I am not saying it is not a big deal, it is. If the child will strike YOU, he won't hesitate to strike another child.

If the parents are not on board and understanding how serious this is, I would term. But for a one time thing, I would at least give everyone a chance to discuss it.

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Only 5?

All of my kids know not to get physical with me. 5 is so so so far away from ANY possible developmental excuse for not knowing not to hit an adult. A 5 year old boy should have learned years ago not to ever hit a girl.

If a kid hit me the other kids would be DEVASTATED. It would dramatically affect our lives here.

NO way....

I've been at this for a while and I can't understand why a provider would keep a kid that was violent. I couldn't do it. There's no amount of money that would be worth me having to worry every day that one of these kids could hurt me.

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Not knowing the whole situation it's hard to say, but my instinct would be to handle it myself and give the child the benefit of the doubt. If it happened again I'd talk to Mom & Dad, but if this was the first time the child was probably as upset about it as you were, and maybe even a little scared about losing control like that.

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We all know he did it on purpose. Five is old enough to have better self control than that.

But, in reality, no parent is going to believe he did it on purpose. ALL parents think "He would never do that intentionally".

So, the first time, you handle it, talk to the parents, and give the kid the benefit of the doubt.

If it continues, even on a small scale, then i'd come down really hard on everybody. But, I wouldn't terminate for ONE bad choice.

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Just dont kick back!

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I would term immediately for that age - I had a 4 year old - hit kick and bite me and I let it go on until I was so miserable and the parents down played it non stop - never again.

I tried to work with them over and over and I was miserable not them.

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I do understand the perspective of trying to work on behavior with the little boy. However, when I used to work in a center we had staff CONSTANTLY being physically harmed by children with behavior issues that we were not equipped to handle but management kept enrolling in the program. A few times staff were injured to the point of needing to go to the emergency room - and this was from 2-4 year-olds. We were not allowed (by management) to send the children home. It is terrible to say, because early childhood programs should be child/family/parent focused, but I know from this experience and others that if you don't inconvenience some parents that they will not deal with the child's behavior. As a family child care provider, I would personally find it way too difficult to try and work with a school-age child on violent behavior.

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At this age, I would send home immediately and terminate, since you said he is a handful anyway. If this child is willing to be violent toward you, the next target may be another child.

I have a mixed age group and bigger/older kids that act in violence could seriously injure one of my smaller children (or myself) and they are also setting a bad example for the smaller ones. I have a 1 year old now that is testing every boundary there is to test. She has hit/tried to hit a couple of times. Even at 1, she has been separated from the others when she does this (supervised and safe of course). Mom is already aware that even at this young age, I cannot allow this behavior.

Accidents/injuries happen, but having to explain to a parent that their child was injured by a violent child I care for is just not going to happen. If I had to do that, I would want to tell the injured child's parent that I had terminated the violent child so they felt safe bringing their child back.

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If they are bold enough to hit an adult they will surely hit their peers.

I no longer have patience to deal with this type of child and would have sent him home.

We had a 3 year old that hit and/or kicked every adult in our Center. The child was aggressive to the other children as well. The Director refused to terminate because our numbers were low.

It was at that point that I made my decision not to return after the end of the School year. I'm too old for that kind of nonsense.

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I hope that by now, things have worked themselves out. It's a perfectly normal thing for a child to experiment with hitting. Usually between 9 months and 18 months. Simply tell the child no, redirect, and move on.

Time outs for one-year olds are not appropriate nor effective. A one-year old child simply can not grasp the concept of why he is there. I have a THREE year old who never has a clue as to why he is in time-out. Around the age of three is where time outs should start.

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IME, the no should be a very firm "NO HITTING! HITTING HURTS!" if you want to make sure it doesn't keep happening. A very firm voice from a usually loving caregiver stops my kids dead in their tracks. Maybe it "scares" them a little. I'm okay with that. A child of any age should know/get the message that laying hands on another is a BIG DEAL and will not be tolerated.

In my day care a child of 1 isn't allowed to "free range" simply because they do not have the skills to do so safely. I am usually always between them and the others, helping them use words and making sure they are not getting frustrated to the point of hitting and biting.

A 5 year old hitting/kicking/biting would get a BUH-BYE from me especially since he is already a "handful."

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