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  #1  
Old 06-18-2014, 01:28 PM
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Default The Competition In My House Is So Thick....

I'm ready to scream. I'm going to sound like a broken record here, but it's my nephew (4) and ds (5).

I had that first!/other one cries that THEY had it first(whether or not he did),
I won!/the 'loser' cries,
1 accidentally bumps into 2 so 2 comes screaming that he's just been mauled by 1,
I'm reading this book/I read it already (no, he didn't)/1st one whines that 2nd one beat him to it
I finished lunch first/other one cries because he 'lost'
Look what I painted/made/built!/Well mine is way better!/1st one cries
I'm gonna go do that/2nd one runs to that activity first/1st one cries

Etc, etc, etc, etc, etc......
God, help me.
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  #2  
Old 06-18-2014, 02:50 PM
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That's how it is with my two daughters sometimes....makes me want to pull my hair out and run for the hills . And heaven forbid if I say to one "good job" on something because the other one will say "What about me?!?!?!? Did I do a good job??"

I don't really have any advice besides try to have them work it out on their own, don't cater to the crying, and make sure you tell the "other" one that you were talking to #1 first.
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Old 06-18-2014, 05:20 PM
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This sounds exactly like the past 5 months of Before & After school care with the boy I watched & my daughter. They constantly battled over the silliest things and I swear I must have said "Everything is not a competition" at least 1000 times. That's when they weren't tattling on each other. Drove me nuts!

They use to race to the car and then fight over who sat where even though the seats were the exact same. It was basically for who can get out first at drop off. So I ended up making it Mon-Wed-Fri one sits on this side and Tues-Thurs-weekend my daughter sits on that side. Solved the battle amazingly.

I agree with Spud, let them try to work it out on their own or at least show them how to. I was a constant nag with sorry's, compromise, and removing things if nothing worked...eventually they got the hint {on a good day.lol}. GOOD LUCK!
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Old 06-18-2014, 05:39 PM
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I had 4 school age boys here today who were worse than my 1-3 year olds! I feel your pain.
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  #5  
Old 06-18-2014, 07:52 PM
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I have 5 year old twins. So competition is thick here too. We made a wheel of choices to reduce the tattling, which has inadvertently reduced the competition too.

They have to "pick three before me". As have a list of things they have to use to try to work out their problems. Using an "l"statement, walking away, asking to share, etc. They have to pick 3 and try them before coming to me to help solve the problem.

It reduced the competition because they wanted the attention, even negative, that the arguing brought. Being continuously redirected to the choices made arguing boring and not worth it.
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Old 06-18-2014, 08:40 PM
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They argued today, and one ended up crying on the couch as usual, over IMAGINARY dragons. 1 took 2's dragon and wouldn't give it back. Is it time for school yet???
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Old 06-18-2014, 08:58 PM
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Count down time. Grab a calendar and mark down the days until school starts. Each x you put on will feel good.

I would attempt to separate them as much as possible for a bit to give them a break from each other, and save your sanity. You could link them up with a younger buddy to play with, or have them play for stretches on their own. Sounds like they sure know how to push each others buttons.
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  #8  
Old 06-19-2014, 04:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skybluepink02 View Post
I have 5 year old twins. So competition is thick here too. We made a wheel of choices to reduce the tattling, which has inadvertently reduced the competition too.

They have to "pick three before me". As have a list of things they have to use to try to work out their problems. Using an "l"statement, walking away, asking to share, etc. They have to pick 3 and try them before coming to me to help solve the problem.

It reduced the competition because they wanted the attention, even negative, that the arguing brought. Being continuously redirected to the choices made arguing boring and not worth it.
That's a good idea. I'm wondering exactly how it works. I'm guessing if they come to you first you say "Did you try saying 'I don't like it when you...." If they say yes and report that it didn't work then ask if they tried walking away or asked to share and how did that go?

I can see how that could work because instead of getting you involved they would just get questioned by you on what THEY tried. That would get boring and who knows they might even start doing it themselves eventually.

Laurel
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Old 06-19-2014, 06:28 AM
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I struggle with this with my kiddos too. It is mostly 4 y.o. dcg who is jealous of my son. Her family doesn't expect a lot from her so she really struggles in a lot of areas. I would rather point out the kids' strengths instead of weaknesses to build their self esteem so I try to praise them when I see a job well done. I feel bad, but it seems like I really have to look hard to find things to praise her for. She doesn't put much effort into anything without a whole lot of prodding. However, anytime I say to my son or another dck, "I like how you're sitting at the table and using your manners. Excellent job." She instantly says, "Am I doing a good job too? I'm sitting nicely." So I'm looking at her covered in food, eating with her fingers, food all over the place and I say something like, "Well, I like that you are sitting on your bottom, but I was referring to the way so and so was eating so nicely. See how he uses his silverware when he eats and wipes his hands on his napkin? That's wonderful."
This happens all day long anytime I praise another child. To a 2 y.o., "You kept your pants dry all day! Good job!" Then she says, "Can I have a treat? My pants are dry. Are you proud of me too?" Well, no you can't have a treat b/c you have been "potty trained" for six months, you are 4 y.o., and you've already peed your pants twice today simply b/c you didn't want to sit on the potty. Seriously? No matter what I compliment someone on she wants the same praise. It's like she is in constant competition with everyone. And I do praise her when I can, but its just difficult to find areas where she excels. She has to be told repeatedly to do everything, doesn't ever sit still, if I say "no" that's exactly what she wants to do, has no interest in using toys/equipment properly. Ugh.
I think I need to recheck my attitude. I've noticed all of my posts lately turn into a vent. I think I'm experiencing a bit of burnout
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  #10  
Old 06-19-2014, 06:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skybluepink02 View Post
I have 5 year old twins. So competition is thick here too. We made a wheel of choices to reduce the tattling, which has inadvertently reduced the competition too.

They have to "pick three before me". As have a list of things they have to use to try to work out their problems. Using an "l"statement, walking away, asking to share, etc. They have to pick 3 and try them before coming to me to help solve the problem.

It reduced the competition because they wanted the attention, even negative, that the arguing brought. Being continuously redirected to the choices made arguing boring and not worth it.
I love this!
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  #11  
Old 06-19-2014, 06:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skybluepink02 View Post
I have 5 year old twins. So competition is thick here too. We made a wheel of choices to reduce the tattling, which has inadvertently reduced the competition too.

They have to "pick three before me". As have a list of things they have to use to try to work out their problems. Using an "l"statement, walking away, asking to share, etc. They have to pick 3 and try them before coming to me to help solve the problem.

It reduced the competition because they wanted the attention, even negative, that the arguing brought. Being continuously redirected to the choices made arguing boring and not worth it.
I love this too. Totally going to steal this idea.
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  #12  
Old 06-19-2014, 06:51 AM
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Originally Posted by mamamanda View Post
I struggle with this with my kiddos too. It is mostly 4 y.o. dcg who is jealous of my son. Her family doesn't expect a lot from her so she really struggles in a lot of areas. I would rather point out the kids' strengths instead of weaknesses to build their self esteem so I try to praise them when I see a job well done. I feel bad, but it seems like I really have to look hard to find things to praise her for. She doesn't put much effort into anything without a whole lot of prodding. However, anytime I say to my son or another dck, "I like how you're sitting at the table and using your manners. Excellent job." She instantly says, "Am I doing a good job too? I'm sitting nicely." So I'm looking at her covered in food, eating with her fingers, food all over the place and I say something like, "Well, I like that you are sitting on your bottom, but I was referring to the way so and so was eating so nicely. See how he uses his silverware when he eats and wipes his hands on his napkin? That's wonderful."
This happens all day long anytime I praise another child. To a 2 y.o., "You kept your pants dry all day! Good job!" Then she says, "Can I have a treat? My pants are dry. Are you proud of me too?" Well, no you can't have a treat b/c you have been "potty trained" for six months, you are 4 y.o., and you've already peed your pants twice today simply b/c you didn't want to sit on the potty. Seriously? No matter what I compliment someone on she wants the same praise. It's like she is in constant competition with everyone. And I do praise her when I can, but its just difficult to find areas where she excels. She has to be told repeatedly to do everything, doesn't ever sit still, if I say "no" that's exactly what she wants to do, has no interest in using toys/equipment properly. Ugh.
I think I need to recheck my attitude. I've noticed all of my posts lately turn into a vent. I think I'm experiencing a bit of burnout
Just a piece of unsolicited advice....
I wouldn't compare her to the other kids. That may be tearing her down more than building her up. I totally understand where you're coming from because my nephew is the same. It's so hard to find anything to compliment him on. But I found that saying, "soandso is doing a great job with this and that's why he's getting praise, you're not doing a good job so no praise for you (not in so many words)", is counterproductive and actually built some resentment from my nephew toward the good job doers. And of course that made the behavior worse. Kwim? Now, it doesn't work this way for all kids. Some kids see their friends receiving praise and are inspired to do things to also receive that praise. Which is fantastic! This just wasn't the case with my nephew.
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Old 06-19-2014, 07:29 AM
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Just a piece of unsolicited advice....
I wouldn't compare her to the other kids. That may be tearing her down more than building her up. I totally understand where you're coming from because my nephew is the same. It's so hard to find anything to compliment him on. But I found that saying, "soandso is doing a great job with this and that's why he's getting praise, you're not doing a good job so no praise for you (not in so many words)", is counterproductive and actually built some resentment from my nephew toward the good job doers. And of course that made the behavior worse. Kwim? Now, it doesn't work this way for all kids. Some kids see their friends receiving praise and are inspired to do things to also receive that praise. Which is fantastic! This just wasn't the case with my nephew.
Thank you for pointing that out. I hadn't thought of it sounding that way to her. I was just trying to praise him in the first place which wasn't a slam to her at all. Just don't know how to respond when she specifically asks, "Aren't I doing well too?" and she often isn't. I will be more careful though b/c tearing her down is definitely not my intent.
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Old 06-19-2014, 07:41 AM
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Thank you for pointing that out. I hadn't thought of it sounding that way to her. I was just trying to praise him in the first place which wasn't a slam to her at all. Just don't know how to respond when she specifically asks, "Aren't I doing well too?" and she often isn't. I will be more careful though b/c tearing her down is definitely not my intent.
I know, it's hard. I don't know what to say to my nephew when he asks those questions. But I don't want to refrain from praising kids who deserve it either! Maybe I should start a thread about this. Someone here may know something we don't!
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Old 06-19-2014, 07:43 AM
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Thank you for pointing that out. I hadn't thought of it sounding that way to her. I was just trying to praise him in the first place which wasn't a slam to her at all. Just don't know how to respond when she specifically asks, "Aren't I doing well too?" and she often isn't. I will be more careful though b/c tearing her down is definitely not my intent.
And thank YOU for not taking that the wrong way or instantly getting offended! That's kind of been a trend here for the last week or so. Everyone is so touchy lately! Lol.
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Old 06-19-2014, 11:15 AM
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That's a good idea. I'm wondering exactly how it works. I'm guessing if they come to you first you say "Did you try saying 'I don't like it when you...." If they say yes and report that it didn't work then ask if they tried walking away or asked to share and how did that go?

I can see how that could work because instead of getting you involved they would just get questioned by you on what THEY tried. That would get boring and who knows they might even start doing it themselves eventually.

Laurel
That's exactly how it works. And half the time they don't want to go to the trouble, so they just walk away. It cuts down on the tattling just to tattle, and I only have to deal with the stuff that actually bothers them.
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Old 06-19-2014, 11:21 AM
skybluepink02 skybluepink02 is offline
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And after a couple months of it, they are doing it themselves first more often than running to me first. I hear them telling each other "I don't like when you make faces at me." And the other one stops and says "ok." It's amazing! 3 months ago I was ready to tear my hair out with it.
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Old 06-19-2014, 03:48 PM
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That's exactly how it works. And half the time they don't want to go to the trouble, so they just walk away. It cuts down on the tattling just to tattle, and I only have to deal with the stuff that actually bothers them.
I like it!

Laurel
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