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Old 10-16-2014, 05:31 PM
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BumbleBee BumbleBee is offline
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Thumbs down Inconsistent Discipline

I have a dcb3 here who is....difficult. I've long suspected that discipline at home is inconsistent and try as I may I can't get the parents on board. I've loaned out books to them, given them articles, talked to them, and yet it continues. We're finally at a point where dcb is fairly well behaved here and when I do have to discipline him he doesn't scream & cry to the point of gagging himself.

His parents tell me over and over how they DO discipline him and they ARE consistent. The last chat I had with dcm about discipline (she brought it up) ended abruptly when dcm looked at me and said "what we don't understand is WHY it's not working when we ARE consistent with what we're doing. It doesn't work for him." well okay then. I disagree but she was obviously done discussing it.

Today dcd picks up dcb3 and his brother who is 1. Dad was getting their stuff together and dcb3 smacks dcb1 in the face on purpose with dcb3's blankie. Dad takes dcb3's blanket and asks him why he did that. Dcb3 starts in "it was an accident. soooooorry dcb1. Can I have my blankie now?" Dcd said no. Then dcb3 starts his ear piercing blood curdling scream, drops to the floor and commences sobbing while alternating between arching his back and banging his head on the floor. I walked away. Dcd immediately gives dcb3 his blankie and the tantrum stopped.

I had to bite my tongue, but maybe I shouldn't have. Honestly it's ridiculous. Dcb3 does this crap all the time with mom and dad and they give in just so they don't have to listen to it. Then they wonder why he acts like he does-and tell me that they do discipline consistently. I don't know why it bothers me so much but it does. Guess we're back to handing him off at the door. Why can't parents BE PARENTS???

The icing on the cake is dcb1 is starting to act like dcb3. Earlier this week dcm was picking up the boys and dcb1 was messing with something he wasn't supposed to. I told him no. He stopped and then started crying. Mom rushed over to pick him up, saying "he's just a baby, he doesn't understand!" Really? Cause when he's told no when you're not here, he cries for a minute then finds something else to do. Yes, he understands.

Get a clue parents.
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Old 10-16-2014, 09:35 PM
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Here's the sad truth - we can't change parents' behavior. To be perfectly honest, the only behavior we can control is our own.

But the good news is that you can be consistent and it WILL help. By 3 yrs a child is old enough to understand that different places have different rules. I can run in the park, I can't run in church. Not that they'll always follow the rules, but they can differentiate. Keep being consistent with both children and they'll come around. For you. The parents are probably SOL.
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Old 10-16-2014, 09:40 PM
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Originally Posted by AmyKidsCo View Post
Here's the sad truth - we can't change parents' behavior. To be perfectly honest, the only behavior we can control is our own.

But the good news is that you can be consistent and it WILL help. By 3 yrs a child is old enough to understand that different places have different rules. I can run in the park, I can't run in church. Not that they'll always follow the rules, but they can differentiate. Keep being consistent with both children and they'll come around. For you. The parents are probably SOL.
You're absolutely right. dcb3 has come a LONG way from when he started. He knows the rules here are different than at home (and points it out regularly.)

I'm *hoping* dcb1 won't be quite as challenging as his brother was.
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Old 10-16-2014, 09:40 PM
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Omg!!! I have the same family!!! They are gone at the end of November. Yay! There really isn't much more that you can do i don't think. It is so frustrating though. What i wonder is with how many hours these kids spend with us vs the parents, how does the parents lack of consistency have a bigger influence than what we are doing? (Consistent consequences etc) i have also found that kids are worse on mondays and dont start getting back on track until about Thursday, then here comes another weekend and we have to start all over again on Monday. Its like they forget the good behaviours and choices over those two days but they remember all the bad that they get away over the weekend. Not sure if this makes sense or not. Lol
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Old 10-16-2014, 09:46 PM
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Omg!!! I have the same family!!! They are gone at the end of November. Yay! There really isn't much more that you can do i don't think. It is so frustrating though. What i wonder is with how many hours these kids spend with us vs the parents, how does the parents lack of consistency have a bigger influence than what we are doing? (Consistent consequences etc) i have also found that kids are worse on mondays and dont start getting back on track until about Thursday, then here comes another weekend and we have to start all over again on Monday. Its like they forget the good behaviours and choices over those two days but they remember all the bad that they get away over the weekend. Not sure if this makes sense or not. Lol
Oh yes, most definitely. Part of the issue here is these 2 are only here twice a week. though I know exactly what you're talking about with kids who spend more time at daycare than at home and yet the lack of consistency has a bigger influence. Drives me nuts.
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Old 10-17-2014, 07:49 AM
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Lack of consistency could be the name of the story of many of my dc families! Lack of consistency with discipline, napping, feedings, etc. As pp said, there really is nothing we can do to control what parents are doing at home. They do their best, which isn't how we see it, but then again, we have an outsiders perspective and know what we would like for them to be doing. Often times, we realize if a parent would nip a behavior in the bud now it would be beneficial, but they have to learn the hard way.
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Old 10-17-2014, 01:22 PM
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Lack of consistency could be the name of the story of many of my dc families! Lack of consistency with discipline, napping, feedings, etc. As pp said, there really is nothing we can do to control what parents are doing at home. They do their best, which isn't how we see it, but then again, we have an outsiders perspective and know what we would like for them to be doing. Often times, we realize if a parent would nip a behavior in the bud now it would be beneficial, but they have to learn the hard way.
I agree with this statement wholeheartedly!! I made so many mistakes when my kids were young, but i didn't listen to others because this was MY kid and times are/were different from when they raised their kids. Lol. It is so much easier when it is someone else's kids to be consistent and strict. I wish parents (myself included) could just learn from someone else's experiences. I guess that's just the way things go though.
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