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  #1  
Old 11-04-2016, 09:54 AM
happymom happymom is offline
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Default Defiant and Out of Control at Drop Off

My son is 4 (5 in March) and knows better than to act this way. He is in a daycare center with around 100 kids who are separated by age group.

Friday is show and tell day. He gets to bring a toy from home to share with his friends. There was some confusion at drop off today, his class was merged with the 3 year olds and his regular teacher wasn't there yet--he thought his class was on the playground but they were not.

He was stomping his feet, wouldn't put his coat in the coat room, tried to hit me, told me I was being rude: completely unacceptable, defiant, mean behavior.

I gave him one chance to turn his attitude around, put his coat in the coat room and walk into his classroom with a nice attitude or he would lose show and tell today. He didn't. I took his show and tell and walked towards the door to leave the building. He was chasing after me and throwing the biggest fit ever.

WHAT SHOULD I/CAN I DO IN THIS SITUATION?! Clearly, he was putting on a show and my disciplining was not making a difference.

One teacher came out of the classroom, picked him up (kicking) and carried him in the classroom to defuse the situation. His regular teacher showed up and asked me some questions about why he was acting that way. I apologized for his behavior and that I had to take his show and tell away. I also called when I got to work and was told he had calmed down a little bit, but was still very upset. I feel so bad for the daycare and I feel bad that he's having such an emotional morning. Tips are appreciated. I wish I knew what the daycare expected, but they just tell me "oh, it's okay, sometimes everyone has mornings like this" --- but it's embarrassing.
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  #2  
Old 11-04-2016, 09:59 AM
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daycarediva daycarediva is offline
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Sometimes they DO have mornings like that.

I think you handled it beautifully. You didn't give in, bribe or baby him into complying. You gave him a choice "Put your things away nicely or lose show and tell." He chose lose show and tell.

I have one parent who leaves my classroom and they 'try again' to come in and follow rules nicely. She literally just goes "NO. Let's try that again." That always works. I can hear Mom through the door though, and she lets her 4yo calm down, tells her what she expects her to do, and then they re-enter. Might not work for every kid, but do-overs help this little one.
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  #3  
Old 11-04-2016, 10:01 AM
happymom happymom is offline
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Originally Posted by daycarediva View Post
I have one parent who leaves my classroom and they 'try again' to come in and follow rules nicely. She literally just goes "NO. Let's try that again." That always works. I can hear Mom through the door though, and she lets her 4yo calm down, tells her what she expects her to do, and then they re-enter. Might not work for every kid, but do-overs help this little one.
This was definitely my after-thought. I got to work and though, gosh, maybe I should have taken him back to the car and tried again. I felt so guilty that the staff had to deal with him acting that way
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Old 11-04-2016, 10:17 AM
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Gemma Gemma is offline
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Originally Posted by happymom View Post
My son is 4 (5 in March) and knows better than to act this way. He is in a daycare center with around 100 kids who are separated by age group.

Friday is show and tell day. He gets to bring a toy from home to share with his friends. There was some confusion at drop off today, his class was merged with the 3 year olds and his regular teacher wasn't there yet--he thought his class was on the playground but they were not.

He was stomping his feet, wouldn't put his coat in the coat room, tried to hit me, told me I was being rude: completely unacceptable, defiant, mean behavior.

I gave him one chance to turn his attitude around, put his coat in the coat room and walk into his classroom with a nice attitude or he would lose show and tell today. He didn't. I took his show and tell and walked towards the door to leave the building. He was chasing after me and throwing the biggest fit ever.

WHAT SHOULD I/CAN I DO IN THIS SITUATION?! Clearly, he was putting on a show and my disciplining was not making a difference.

One teacher came out of the classroom, picked him up (kicking) and carried him in the classroom to defuse the situation. His regular teacher showed up and asked me some questions about why he was acting that way. I apologized for his behavior and that I had to take his show and tell away. I also called when I got to work and was told he had calmed down a little bit, but was still very upset. I feel so bad for the daycare and I feel bad that he's having such an emotional morning. Tips are appreciated. I wish I knew what the daycare expected, but they just tell me "oh, it's okay, sometimes everyone has mornings like this" --- but it's embarrassing.
Not your fault, kids do act up sometime!
If my 4 and 1/2 year old did that, I would drag his little butt back home where he would suffer a lengthy lecture and a day of super boredom as consequence ....maybe next time he thinks twice before acting up at school
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  #5  
Old 11-04-2016, 10:24 AM
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Blackcat31 Blackcat31 is offline
 
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Originally Posted by happymom View Post
This was definitely my after-thought. I got to work and though, gosh, maybe I should have taken him back to the car and tried again. I felt so guilty that the staff had to deal with him acting that way
Totally agree with Diva! I would have taken him back to the car, helped him calm down and then tried again.

I am sure he "lost it" when he realized he was losing show and tell and if he was already emotional, it was probably a fire he literally could not out out or tame. He IS old enough to understand expectations and consequences but he is still young enough that the self control aspect can get beyond his ability to manage. kwim?

I would have just brought him back to the car. Waited for him to calm down and then talked with him. Re-enter when he is ready.

I think you handled everything else perfectly. The only thing I hate to see is providers,teachers and or anyone but the parent have to deal with a child physically (the teacher having to pick him up while he was trashing etc).

IMHO, that only creates a more negative environment as a child's natural reaction to being physically restrained is to fight and that usually doesn't end well for anyone involved.

Taking him back to the car would have solved that issue.

Tonight at home, I'd definitely take the opportunity to talk with him about what things he (and you) could have changed so that the same situation doesn't happen again.

Don't be embarrassed and don't feel bad. It's all part of the learning process for both parent and child. The key is not let the same behaviors happen over and over again.... Parenting IS hard and as long as you are constantly moving forward, you are doing it right.
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  #6  
Old 11-04-2016, 10:44 AM
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Heart12 Heart12 is offline
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Originally Posted by happymom View Post
My son is 4 (5 in March) and knows better than to act this way. He is in a daycare center with around 100 kids who are separated by age group.

Friday is show and tell day. He gets to bring a toy from home to share with his friends. There was some confusion at drop off today, his class was merged with the 3 year olds and his regular teacher wasn't there yet--he thought his class was on the playground but they were not.

He was stomping his feet, wouldn't put his coat in the coat room, tried to hit me, told me I was being rude: completely unacceptable, defiant, mean behavior.

I gave him one chance to turn his attitude around, put his coat in the coat room and walk into his classroom with a nice attitude or he would lose show and tell today. He didn't. I took his show and tell and walked towards the door to leave the building. He was chasing after me and throwing the biggest fit ever.

WHAT SHOULD I/CAN I DO IN THIS SITUATION?! Clearly, he was putting on a show and my disciplining was not making a difference.

One teacher came out of the classroom, picked him up (kicking) and carried him in the classroom to defuse the situation. His regular teacher showed up and asked me some questions about why he was acting that way. I apologized for his behavior and that I had to take his show and tell away. I also called when I got to work and was told he had calmed down a little bit, but was still very upset. I feel so bad for the daycare and I feel bad that he's having such an emotional morning. Tips are appreciated. I wish I knew what the daycare expected, but they just tell me "oh, it's okay, sometimes everyone has mornings like this" --- but it's embarrassing.
OMG. THIS!!!!

My daughter, (who will also be 5 in March ) has been in complete rare form this week!! She has had several accidents (still trying to get the pee smell from my couch) this week which is something that never happens. She has been sassing me left & right. She has also been very sneaky which is something I do not tolerate. Today I had her set up at the table coloring & I walked away for literally 1 minute & came back to her smearing a glue stick all over her chair. SERIOUSLY?! Needless to say, she went down for a nap very early today & she will be spending her weekend catching up on rest. Man I hope this is due to an incredibly busy week!
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  #7  
Old 11-04-2016, 11:01 AM
happymom happymom is offline
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Thanks everyone.

He had a really hard time falling asleep last night. He was behaving very well, him and his brother had a bath and were ready for bed at 7:30. Brother went right to sleep, and my DS4 stayed up and I'd check on him and he'd tell me "mom I can't make my brain stop thinking about things".

I felt so bad for him. He was awake until about 10:30, in his bed, laying down, TRYING to sleep. He was good this morning at home (getting ready/eating breakfast) but somewhere between the car and his classroom, it all went away. Hoping he naps well today and wakes up feeling refreshed.
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  #8  
Old 11-04-2016, 11:35 AM
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Ariana Ariana is offline
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Originally Posted by happymom View Post
Thanks everyone.

He had a really hard time falling asleep last night. He was behaving very well, him and his brother had a bath and were ready for bed at 7:30. Brother went right to sleep, and my DS4 stayed up and I'd check on him and he'd tell me "mom I can't make my brain stop thinking about things".

I felt so bad for him. He was awake until about 10:30, in his bed, laying down, TRYING to sleep. He was good this morning at home (getting ready/eating breakfast) but somewhere between the car and his classroom, it all went away. Hoping he naps well today and wakes up feeling refreshed.
Sounds like he might be anxious or worried about something. I would take some time out to talk to him about it at bed time. Ask some non probing questions like "what are you thinking about?" And see if he comes up with anything.

Sometimes when my daughter gets this way and I know she is worried about something but is not sharing I ask her to list 5 things she is happy or grateful about. It helps her shift her negative thinking into positive and she falls asleep. I will also sometimes ask her to plan an activity for the weekend which also helps focus her brain away from worrying. I will sometimes also do a guided meditation where she focuses on each part of her body relaxing. I will say "toes relax, legs relax" etc until all the body parts are named. I do this slowly with a slow voice and by the end she is yawning like crazy. Teaching kids that they are in control of their thoughts is super important. I teach my kids that it is ok to feel worried but when it is interfering with their life (sleep and mood) they have tools to use to think about something else.

Anyway just a thought. Stress can really wreak havoc on all of our behaviors if we don't have the tools to deal with it.
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  #9  
Old 11-05-2016, 09:41 AM
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debbiedoeszip debbiedoeszip is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom View Post
My son is 4 (5 in March) and knows better than to act this way. He is in a daycare center with around 100 kids who are separated by age group.

Friday is show and tell day. He gets to bring a toy from home to share with his friends. There was some confusion at drop off today, his class was merged with the 3 year olds and his regular teacher wasn't there yet--he thought his class was on the playground but they were not.

He was stomping his feet, wouldn't put his coat in the coat room, tried to hit me, told me I was being rude: completely unacceptable, defiant, mean behavior.

I gave him one chance to turn his attitude around, put his coat in the coat room and walk into his classroom with a nice attitude or he would lose show and tell today. He didn't. I took his show and tell and walked towards the door to leave the building. He was chasing after me and throwing the biggest fit ever.

WHAT SHOULD I/CAN I DO IN THIS SITUATION?! Clearly, he was putting on a show and my disciplining was not making a difference.

One teacher came out of the classroom, picked him up (kicking) and carried him in the classroom to defuse the situation. His regular teacher showed up and asked me some questions about why he was acting that way. I apologized for his behavior and that I had to take his show and tell away. I also called when I got to work and was told he had calmed down a little bit, but was still very upset. I feel so bad for the daycare and I feel bad that he's having such an emotional morning. Tips are appreciated. I wish I knew what the daycare expected, but they just tell me "oh, it's okay, sometimes everyone has mornings like this" --- but it's embarrassing.
I don't think that he was "putting on a show", I think that he was reacting badly (meltdown) to the change in routine (different group, different teacher, unexpected location). Many children do not deal well with changes to their routine, even when those changes seem small or inconsequential to adults.

Talking with him about these changes as they occurred and helping him with any anxiety or confusion would have helped him keep control of his behaviour, and allowing him some time to process the new situation. I also tend to use natural and logical consequences rather than punishment. I would not have taken away his show and tell toy. It's not related in any way to his meltdown.
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  #10  
Old 11-05-2016, 11:01 AM
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CalCare CalCare is offline
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I'm in agreement with Debbie above. I wouldn't categorize him as "knowing better" and therefore deserving of a punishment. I know better and I make poor choices!

He was upset that the class wasn't outside. Try telling him "You're upset that the class isn't outside". See what he says back. He tries to hit you. Block the hit and tell him you won't allow him to hit you. If he tries to hurt you, a natural consequence would be you stepping way back to keep yourself safe. Maybe wait at that point. Maybe he would calm down. Maybe he would relax. I know all of that is difficult in the moment because you're probably embarrassed that he isn't just complying automatically and maybe you feel your parenting is being judged by people seeing this. I feel that too. I get embarrassed, but I try to remember that a moment like that really is a moment to teach him not just a disaster where he needs to just comply. It's a moment to teach him how to regain control when he's disappointed and angry and frustrated. By reflecting back to him what you think he is trying to express, you are opening communication. "You thought they would be on the playground". Maybe he will respond verbally, maybe he would cry and nod yes. Maybe he will still be mad about it and hit you. But, it helps to verbalize what you think he is expressing through is actions, so that he can verbally express it in the future. Maybe he won't next time, or the time after that. But slowly he will learn through these interactions, self control, better communication, and respectful social skills. Really, this is the whole point of early childhood learning. Not what kind of animals live in forests vs farms or how to read, but testing out ever expanding social skills, independence, respectful communication - developing the skills you need to be successful in life. That's the main focus in their early lives, so it makes sense that it will come up time and time again until it is mastered.

Last edited by Michael; 11-05-2016 at 01:14 PM.
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  #11  
Old 11-07-2016, 04:39 PM
happymom happymom is offline
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You guys are 100% right.
Thank you for your perspectives, I definitely respect your input!
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