How would you react to this?

My playroom is our family playroom and my children are fine with sharing their toys and enjoy having friends to play barbies and polly pockets with every afternoon. So today I notice one of my new DCG's run to her schoolbag after playing in the playroom. I was pretty sure she stuck something in her bag but didn't say anything. I asked what she was doing and she said she was just getting her snack...I told her that her snacks are in the fridge and she said - Oh silly me, that's right.

I gave her the snack bag and she went and ate. Afterwards they went outside and I looked into her bag...it was FULL of Polly Pocket clothes!! She had stolen them!!

I didn't know how to react. I put her bag away in my room and waited until her mother arrived. I showed her mother the bag and told her what had happened. She asked why I had not confronted the child and I told her it was because I wanted to confront her in front of her mother. ( I wanted mom to see the reaction of the child so she would know she had in fact stolen them..). DCM was mortified and asked why she had done it since she didn't even own any of the dolls to go with the clothes.

Thing is - I have seen her run to her bag several times before and tell me that same thing but I just trusted her and sincerely thought she was looking for her snack. I now assume she does have some dolls at home..dolls she has taken from us!!! Why else would she be taking home the clothes?!

I discussed with DCM and told her that her child's backpack and pockets will now be searched before she leaves every morning and evening but I can't stand the thought of having a child I don't trust in my home everyday. I am going to have to watch her like a hawk....not sure what else to do..

Any thoughts?

Reply

You might confiscate the bag as soon as she walks in. How old is she?

That way, if she comes in with nothing, she leaves with nothing.

Reply

She is 8. I have never had anything like this happen in my home before..this is a new one for me. Scary thing is, she puts on a show and appears to be a perfectly sweet little girl.

I think I will take her bag and coat each day and return it to her at the end of the day when mom picks up, that is a good idea.

The mommy part of me just wants to term because she stole from my kids but I know I have to at least give her a chance.

Reply

At 8 years old, she certainly understands her actions. Now, there need to be consequences. I would talk to Mom and ask her how she handled it.....if she did not reprimand her in some way, I'd be concerned about it continuing.

I would talk to the girl....ask her why she took these items, ask her why she felt it was okay to do it , ask her how she would feel if someone stole her special belongings, ask her what she thinks the consequences of her actions should be. I would insist on complete answers, not one or two word "excuses" but meaningful language about it.

Then, I would not even allow backpacks to be brought in to your home. If it is for school, hang a hook on your front porch and she can hang it there before she enters. If that is not feasible, then I would def. put it away. When she is not in school, she can leave her backpack at home. I would do that with all backpacks anyway. Kids bring em' here but they go behind the gate on the stairs and only I get into them as needed for clothing/etc. School aged kids get their homework out, but otherwise, no one gets into backpacks.

Have you talked to your own child about this? How does she feel about it? I would offer her the opportunity to talk to the other girl as well. Maybe if the little girl hears it from her victim, she will decide she doesn't wanna do it again.

Reply

DCM allowed me full control of the conversation when we confronted dcg which was good. I told her that what she did was considered stealing and that it would not be tolerated in my home. I also told her that my girls are nice enough to share their toys with her every day and she turns around and betrays them like that..I asked her how she would feel if someone came into her home and did that to her. I also told her that from now on her things would be searched before she leaves everytime and told her that the other children will wonder why and may no longer trust her either. I emphasized the word stealing many times and told her that if ever she took anything again she would no longer be welcome in my home..

The best part about the whole thing (Sarcasm) is that she is supposed to be coming to my DD Bday party on saturday and I am taking them to a movie..sure don't feel like dishing out the cash for her now! If mom has any sense she will tell her DD that she can no longer come.

Reply

I think Crystal had good points about getting a discussion going on this. I know you or your daughter might feel sort of violated by this girl but I would have this discussion and give her a chance to prove herself. Kids make mistakes and a heartfelt discussion and appropriate consequences might be enough to curb this behavior. I would also add that she write out an apology to your daughter or write a little paper on why stealing is wrong.

Reply

Tell dcm your dd doesnt want her at the bday now. Tell her she has expressed concern about dcg actions. Dont let some dck ruin you dd party.

Reply

I had a DC girl do this, although not with my own kids toys but with the dc toys that she really liked. She was much younger than your DC girl, though.

I totally agree with this. You caught her, you've called her out, you've put some new policies in place to deal. Let her prove herself. I would be on her anytime she goes anywhere. Make it clear (in a nice way) that you want to be sure she is making good choices because she has shown she has trouble with that (obviously not in front of the other kids, you want her to think not be humiliated).
But please don't uninvite her from the birthday party. She made a horrible choice and will have to deal with those consequences (being searched, followed, not allowed to play with certain toys, etc). Your child liked her enough to invite her in the first place. You liked her enough to allow it.

Reply

I totally agree. You caught her, you discussed it with her and her mom, you told her that her bag would be searched now let it go. I know she stole and that is terrible and one of my huggest peet peeves, however, she's a child and obviously made a bad decision. I don't think you need to remind her on a daily basis that she made a bad choice. Hopefully she's learned her lesson. Definately keep the bag somewhere that she can't put anything in it. She shouldn't need the bag while at your home anyway.

Reply

I totally agree with this ~ kids make mistakes that's how they learn.

That being said, at 8, I think she knows what she was doing is wrong. I would be keeping a close eye on her for awhile, just to make sure. Your child has to know that you are keeping an eye on it.

Reply

Whether or not she goes to the birthday party should be up to your daughter and nobody else.

I would never tell my daughter that she HAD to include a child who had stolen from her.

In my opinion, that just screams "her feelings are more important than yours"

If the thief is upset...so be it. She is 8 years old and should be held 100% accountable for her actions. Welcome to life and it's consequences.

Reply

Eh, if the daughter was very upset by it, then yes. But often things like this upset the parents more than the kids.

Reply

you got some good advice. I would take the bag away and thats it. Oh don't forget to do a pocket search too.

now that she has been caught, I wouldn't let her play with pp for a week. also, maybe the mother will buy "extra stuff" for your dd's birthday as sort of an apology, so it may work out.

Reply

I agree. I would take how my daughter feels into account. If she's fine with it, then great.

But I would never tell my daughter "Don't care how you feel, the child is going to your party regardless"

Reply

I agree. My DD had a similar situation with a "friend". I cannot even begin to tell you how hurt my dd was by it all. Having something stolen from you makes you feel so hurt and vulnerable. Having the thief turn out to be your own friend is life changing. IMHO.

Reply

I have noticed a few things missing from my daughters doll house in the last few weeks. I even told all the kids as a group that if they saw them or knew where they might be to put them back in the right spot. Well I closed the house up ( mostly) about 2 weeks ago and today decided to open it and set it back up. To my horror 80% of the furniture was gone!. So I spent the next 4 hours looking through every inch of my house for a pile of doll house furniture the size of a wash basket. After losing my mind I broke down and called my daycare parents and nervously explained I was concerned about it, then asked all the kids as a group when they came off the boss if they had seen the furniture. When the one mom got home tonight she found loads of it at her house but not all of it as her daughter has been trading it at school. We ate talking over $250 in toys gone! Now the mom is saying stuff like how all kids steal once and she (dc girl) is very upset by all this. Are you kidding me? If she stole once I wouldn't be missing 80% of my daughters furniture! I am sick over it and devistated for my little girl.

Reply

I am so sorry your are going through this too! It is nice to have someone to talk to who knows exactly how I feel though.
Are you going to term?
I still have DCG and thought that in time I would get over it..I have tons of measures in place to make sure she doesn't do it again. But I am still not over it.
She took DS games, toys....you name it she took it. And not all just in one day, it was over a number of weeks! Sounds just like your little thief. Obviously she didn't take all the furniture in one day.
It is disturbing to think that everyday a kid has been leaving with toys and you didn't even notice. That is what bothers me the most....the fact that I didn't even notice it happening!
Now everytime something is misplaced or missing, I automatically think it could be her. We had an item go missing last week...something that belonged to a DCB and we still have not found it. I contacted DCM to let her know, she claims DCG does not steal anymore and I checked her bag and coat before she left too so unless she put it in her underwear or something, she probably didnt take it but you still wonder......I don't like that feeling.

Reply

The other kids my not even notice and if they do they won't know why you search her everyday unless you or she tells them, and if you do that the mom might get upset because thats breaking a confidentiality agreement and singling out her child to the group- just like you cannot tell other kids about her grades, medical history/illnesses, or learning disabilities without her or her mom's permission- when parents sign your contract it's because they trust that you will keep any information on there kid private and only between you and them- it can cause the mom and the little girl to be embarassed/humiliated and they may take legal action, not to mention the other kids will tell their parents and their parents may question if 1) there children and their things are safe there and 2) if you would tell other kids and parents personal and confidential things about child.

I know you were probably just telling her this to make sure that she understood how serious this is, but just be careful cuz if her mom hears this she may think you are planning on telling other kids her child steals and that can cause legal problems. I understand you feel betrayed and disrespected but just take a deep breath and take it in one day at a time- everyday is a fresh start and yesterday was the past- today is a clean slate. Don't continously punish her for one day of poor judgement, if you feel like you cannot get over the feeling of distrust, it may be best for everyone (you, mom, DCG) to just term so she can get a fresh start and you don't feel like you have to put up with her or fear holding that against her until she ages out of your program.

Just put in your future contracts (If you haven't already) that stealing from your home (or anywhere else for that matter) is NOT acceptable and can be grounds for termination and make sure the daycare kids (espesually 3 years old and older) understand that rule when they come in. Maybe (just so that parents don't try to hide the fact that their child stole, if they find out due to fear of termination) a clause in the contract that if the item is returned and the child appoligizes that they will just be on probation and on watch but if they do it again they will be termed. I don't know her family/DC history but this may be her first time in group care or having to share a play space with other kids in a home setting (some kids have no problem at school but think that homes have more lax rules - especially if their home has little to no boundries or they are an only child).

If you did want to do a daycare lession/curriculum on stealing and why it's bad (or just morals in general) and just say you notice lately that things have been missing from your home/daycare room (without pointing fingers) thats one thing but when you single someone out that can be a legal issue. But if you this you would have to check everyone's backpacks before entering and leaving occationally to drop the suspicion on the particular child. Who knows you may find toys you forgot you even had, or find that another child may have done this.

Reply

I just had to jump in here. Most kids DO NOT steal once. I'm sorry but that is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable and I understand the mother trying to protect her child but come on here. She owes you the money to replace the items or she'd darn well better have the stuff back immediately. What her child did was WRONG! THis has my blood boiling for you. I would be mortified if this were my child. I have had similar situations unfortunately where money has gone missing at my house on play dates and never been found but I've never out right accused anyone. $250 is A LOT of furniture and the mother admitted this. She needs to make this right and not just let this go. It doesn't matter if the furniture was traded away. Also, I'm sorry but after you do get this sorted out, I would immediately term. You cannot trust this child. I know I wouldn't. Sorry if I sound harsh. I just feel sick for you. That's terrible that such a beloved toy is essentially useless because some child saw something she wanted and decided she would just take it and the mother is basically defending her and offering no resolution? Or am I missing something?

Reply

Well its been about 2 months since everything has happened. I really appreciate what you wrote. Everything you said sums up exactly how I feel. It even keeps me up at night!
Well we have almost 2 full wash baskets full ( to give you a visual) of toys returned so far and still have a long ways to go. She took tons of doll house furniture, which I am still missing some of, every article of barbie clothing, tons and tons of misc toys, squinkies, zoobles, every handmade doll dress my Aunt made my DD when she was born, purses,play kitchen stuff, stuffed animals, dolls, jeweler ... oh it goes on and on and on. writing this just makes my blood pressure go up. She Def had been doing this for a while. I finally figured out how she did it though, since I noticed the stuff she was playing with missing the next day. When her Mom would come and I would go answer the door, she would have things already stashed in a spot. then she would run back to my daughters room as her mom was talking to me and grab the stash.
I get stuff back here and there but this is insane and the mom makes me feel like the villain for asking for it back or what progress is being made. I am so beyond frustrated. They told me that the daughter was not getting a birthday party or gifts so the stuff could get replaced ( her birthday was in December) well she got a huge birthday bash with a sleepover and all. Clearly this is a family that does not have any consequences for their actions. A perfect example is: her son has behavior problems, not just with me but on the bus ( every single day the driver tells me about how he hit someone or he had to talk to him 10 times to stop screaming) then he comes in my house looks at snack and says " I don't like that" followed by sprinting throughout my house and up and down the stairs. So I have to tell him ( just like the bus driver) 10 time to stop running so he or anyone else doesn't get hurt. Tuesday he ran down the hall and fell down 5 stairs right in front of his mom. Nice. I explained I do not allow running inside and he has problems with that rule It is winter here in NY otherwise we would be outside), her answer is that he is hyper.....
It is all just way too much and would love to term these kids but they have so much to return still. I told the mom that I am going to start shopping on EBAY to replace the stuff and she said she would but haven't seen anything come of it yet. All I know is that as soon as we get a squared away I am done.
This isn't worth wondering if that missing koala is missing or stolen, no sleep, not being able look a kid in the eye cause I have lost all respect and trust for them. This is not what I wanted when I decided to do daycare. I wanted playmates for my kids, an opportunity to make a small ( not even $75 a week) amount of money during the week while I am still available to my kids. This was def not what I expected, especially since when I worked I always paid my sitters on time, made sure my kids knew what behavior was expected from them and made sure that I too acted like an adult.

Reply

I was searching for help after I received a text from daycare stating that my ten-year old foster daughter may have "accidentally" taken some Barbie things that belonged to the program and other children. When we sat down, with her bag in hand, my daughter claimed it was an accident because they were in a hurry when they cleaned up. As we separated items, it was obvious that "accident" was not accurate, which I very directly and clearly communicated, as well as making it very clear that taking things that did not belong to her was wrong. There were tears and anger (a guilt indicator). At that point, I gave her time to think about ways to make the situation right. After very little feedback, I: (1) separated all the items into two Ziploc bags: hers and theirs. Both went back to daycare with the understanding that if things were still missing for the "theirs" bag, they could look in the "hers" bag (because I didn't recognize some items in the "hers" bag); (2) a personal apology to the day care personnel (they allowed her to write the apology on a white board instead of saying it directly); (3) a personal apology to each child that had things taken (which was not supervised -- she just had to tell the child and then notify the staff she had done so); and (4) loss of privileges at home for a week with the understanding that more privileges would be lost if she did not have an appropriate attitude when making amends or allowed this to negatively affect her attitude the staff and other kids. I also attempted to talk about what to do next time, how the other kids felt, why it is wrong, etc. Unfortunately, things didn't go as well as I hoped because in spite of our discussion, she maintained the "accidental" claim with the staff apology, thereby reducing personal responsibility. I've discussed with the provider, who doesn't think this was an accident, either, but is willing to accept because now that my daughter was caught, she knows she is being watched and may be deterred in the future. I am not sure it had the impact I hoped. I wish I'd talked to the staff before we returned the items. My daughter definitely doesn't understand how damaging this incident is. I hope the daycare and other parents know I find this unacceptable and took immediate action.

Reply

While I haven't had DCK take toys, I used to let DCK play with my girls' Barbies, until several had their heads broken off. I was so upset because my girls didn't have "plain" Barbies, they were the special edition (and expensive) ones: African, Japanese, Disney character, etc, most of which we couldn't replace. I decided to separate my children's toys from the DC toys, especially anything valuable or special that I didn't want broken.

You may want to suggest that your children keep their toys in their rooms, to avoid having them broken or stolen.

Reply

Old thread... 2012.

An unregistered user revived it.

Interesting and useful thread but just wanted you to know in case it was the OP you were responding to...

Reply

This. I hate to sound cruel, but I found myself thinking "It didn't bother you that much if you're not getting separate toys for the dck". Penny wise, pound foolish also came to mind. I have no idea if a child or parent has ever stolen my supplies or toys, because they're all cheap and nothing my own children wanted. Unlike a lot of you, I started my business when my children were school aged. They rarely interacted with dcks for long periods of time. Unlike a lot of you, my dck and dcp aren't allowed in any other area of my house. There was no where for them to hide things, steal things, or get into any other sort of unsupervised misadventures.

Reply

Nope, I think I thought (and wrote) the same thing when this thread first came up.
My own kids toys were always separate from dc things - the kids would have had to be unsupervised for a long time for them to get either past the gates and up the stairs to my kids rooms or down to the basement to family room there. If hundreds of dollars of your own kids toys are missing, it seems like supervision may be lacking.
My own kids toys are not only off limits, but not even visible to dck's. Unlike you, I offer plenty of high quality classroom style toys for my dck's, so I get the most for my money - I have toys for years and years because they hold up to all kinds of play.

Reply

How it is at my house, as well.

I did once have a similar issue with a dcg. She was a non-napper and would colour and do puzzles during quiet time. Her mom brought her in one day with a baggie of crayons that she had taken. She had stuffed them in her pocket one day. Dcg apologized and we moved on.

Reply

Mine is 5 almost 6 and one day i realize there were no plastic blocks for the block sorter....asked everyione after searching the usual places. the next Monday a sheepish dad brogught them ali in. there are other things missing and I now check her pack and pockets because i've found other things gone.

Reply