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  #1  
Old 12-10-2019, 11:44 PM
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Default My Son Is Pushing Daycare Children

Hi,

My son (2 years old) has started pushing my daycare children. It started with fairly gentle pushes, but he has started pushing harder. Today he pushed two children hard enough for them to fall over. He does not push for any apparent reason- it is not out of frustration or related to fighting over a toy. He seems to think it is a game- if they cry or tell him to stop, he continues, and when I tell him "No pushing", he laughs.

I'm wondering if it is due to jealousy, since he sees me paying attention to these children and sees them playing with "his" toys?

How would you recommend responding to this behavior?

Thank you in advance!
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  #2  
Old 12-11-2019, 02:34 AM
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Welcome to the forum. Suggest you register.

Here is a thread regarding Jealous provider children: https://www.daycare.com/forum/showthread.php?t=47406

and Provider Children Bothering Others: https://www.daycare.com/forum/tags.p...thering+others
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  #3  
Old 12-11-2019, 04:55 AM
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**PSA: Before anyone gets offended by the center brats tag, it is a term of endearment from the 80s-90s when a sense of humor was common, for this known issue. I, myself, was once a center brat. The tag leads to old posts on this topic.

You are not alone. Most providers have issues with their own kids. It is hard to grow up in daycare and they let us know.
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Old 12-11-2019, 06:21 AM
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Set up a playspace /playpen and every time he pushes put him in there.I would give soft toys and tell him when he plays nice he can enjoy the group.Ignore him after that until he's been happy for a few minutes.Another thing is to try and keep his toys separate.I had 4 children grow up in DC home.I let them keep there stuff separate.Its worth a little extra money spent to buy duplicates of some things.Let him use his toys before daycare starts or after they leave the rest of the time they were ''MY" toys and I shared.
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Old 12-11-2019, 06:49 AM
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You need to treat him special. When my kids were small I never hugged the daycare kids too much when they could see me and I let her do things other kids could not, like sit in my lap during circle time or have special colours during crafts. She could also go anywhere in the house at any time and had her own toys. If she brought her toys to the daycare she had to share. If she did not want to share she could go elsewhere with them to play. At one point I made a special area just for her and her friend to play so the babies couldn’t bother them.

As for pushing I would show him gentle hands and then remind him “remember gentle hands” as soon as he came close to another child. Shadow him to make sure you intervene at every interaction. If he still pushes then take the toy away he is playing with, sit him off to the side and tell him “I don’t like that” in a VERY stern voice with an exaggerated sad/mad face. I have a 16 month old that I am doing this with right now and it has worked!
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Old 12-11-2019, 07:07 AM
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I think like any other 2 year old he is simply learning about his world. There are playmates in his world. He is testing to see what he can/can't do. Cause and effect. That's a pivotal learning stage.

You suggested jealously but unless you see him push or be aggressive towards another child in response to something specific I think jealously is a possibility but given his age I don't think it's the root of the issue.

As far as treating him special as another previous poster mentioned, I'd tread carefully there as speaking from a parent point of view I went out of my way to never choose a provider that had their own children that were the same age as mine. It can get very complicated and when daycare kids see the providers child being treated special it can create animosity and jealousy towards your child.

It's a tough situation from either side.

I would continue to reinforce gentle touch and have equal consequences for all kids that push or behave in a manner that is physical to others.
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Old 12-11-2019, 07:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
I think like any other 2 year old he is simply learning about his world. There are playmates in his world. He is testing to see what he can/can't do. Cause and effect. That's a pivotal learning stage.

You suggested jealously but unless you see him push or be aggressive towards another child in response to something specific I think jealously is a possibility but given his age I don't think it's the root of the issue.

As far as treating him special as another previous poster mentioned, I'd tread carefully there as speaking from a parent point of view I went out of my way to never choose a provider that had their own children that were the same age as mine. It can get very complicated and when daycare kids see the providers child being treated special it can create animosity and jealousy towards your child.

It's a tough situation from either side.

I would continue to reinforce gentle touch and have equal consequences for all kids that push or behave in a manner that is physical to others.
Yes; I made sure to NEVER be holding my own or my niece/nephews when they were small and in my child care. I worked 8 years before having my own and that was a specific concern from current and interviewing clients.

But for what it's worth, I nit-picked my first and he was not that good in child care but did much better with my second. I think I have told this story many times on here, but my licensor at the time whom had kids of their own emailed me a lengthy email after she left one day telling me to quit nitpicking him. He was a kid just like all my other daycare children and her advice was well taken and my own son got better after that. I also took my mom's advice to allow at least 30 minutes after work just for him even if he was playing alone to be near him.

Just my thoughts on the issue
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Old 12-11-2019, 07:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post
As far as treating him special as another previous poster mentioned, I'd tread carefully there as speaking from a parent point of view I went out of my way to never choose a provider that had their own children that were the same age as mine. It can get very complicated and when daycare kids see the providers child being treated special it can create animosity and jealousy towards your child.
I was about to post the same thing. I also never kept kids my own kids age to prevent it because I worked in a daycare before I had kids and saw how it caused so many issues for the providers kids. I always let my own kids come and go from the playroom to the living room and their bedrooms, freely. No daycare kids were allowed to go into their rooms, though. It was just the best way to prevent issues that I could come up with at the time.
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Old 12-11-2019, 07:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Blackcat31 View Post

As far as treating him special as another previous poster mentioned, I'd tread carefully there as speaking from a parent point of view I went out of my way to never choose a provider that had their own children that were the same age as mine. It can get very complicated and when daycare kids see the providers child being treated special it can create animosity and jealousy towards your child.
I did have a child psychologist at a conference I attended tell me this was a good thing to do for my child but I agree it has to be done subtly. She told me it would help my child understand that I am their mommy and this is their house. They did not choose this life, I did. I felt bad about treating my kids special so this helped me see it from a different perspective. I never had issues with jealousy from the other kids, the other kids loved my kids! I also never had issues with my kids hating daycare or the other kids.

I do agree, however that you have to be subtle and not over board with special. I made my kids feel special in subtle ways and I had no issues hugging the daycare kids in front of them when the DCK got hurt for example, as that teaches them empathy. Just stupid little things like choosing which snack for us to have or what colours to use for painting, stuff the DCKs likely didn’t notice. Also at the end of the day we had extra cuddles one on one.

It is a really hard job and it is really hard to find balance between being a mom and a business owner and this what helped me.
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Old 12-11-2019, 07:24 AM
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I was about to post the same thing. I also never kept kids my own kids age to prevent it because I worked in a daycare before I had kids and saw how it caused so many issues for the providers kids. I always let my own kids come and go from the playroom to the living room and their bedrooms, freely. No daycare kids were allowed to go into their rooms, though. It was just the best way to prevent issues that I could come up with at the time.
^^^^agreed! Some of my family members would get my kids occasionally, too, plus my husband was always off at least one day a week and he would keep them then too.
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Old 12-11-2019, 07:29 AM
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FYI, my oldest was 7 months old when I did my first QRIS assessment and he's now 18 years old
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  #12  
Old 12-11-2019, 07:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariana View Post
I did have a child psychologist at a conference I attended tell me this was a good thing to do for my child but I agree it has to be done subtly. She told me it would help my child understand that I am their mommy and this is their house. They did not choose this life, I did. I felt bad about treating my kids special so this helped me see it from a different perspective. I never had issues with jealousy from the other kids, the other kids loved my kids! I also never had issues with my kids hating daycare or the other kids.

I do agree, however that you have to be subtle and not over board with special. I made my kids feel special in subtle ways and I had no issues hugging the daycare kids in front of them when the DCK got hurt for example, as that teaches them empathy. Just stupid little things like choosing which snack for us to have or what colours to use for painting, stuff the DCKs likely didn’t notice. Also at the end of the day we had extra cuddles one on one.

It is a really hard job and it is really hard to find balance between being a mom and a business owner and this what helped me.
It is definitely a gray area.

As a parent my kids learned the provider's child was akin "teacher's pet". They vented non-stop about the "special" treatment the providers child received daily. It wasn't anything big or super special just enough that my kids knew.

They were also very aware of the why. The providers child had to live with the DCK's in their house, sharing their parent etc etc. but just because you know something doesn't change the way it makes you feel.

I am not saying you or anyone else is wrong I am just sharing my personal experience as a parent with kids in that situation.

As a provider, I went to great lengths to make sure my family didn't have to ever be in this position. I know it's not always an option but we all have "baggage" from our childhoods that we felt impacted us whether negatively or positively. It all influences who we are later. Same as having siblings or not having siblings etc...

You just do the best job as a parent that you can and hope your kids turn out okay. lol!
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Old 12-11-2019, 07:44 AM
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FYI, my oldest was 7 months old when I did my first QRIS assessment and he's now 18 years old
You are amazing.

I am only in my second cycle and I want to light this whole house off and start again. I am so grateful I was able to raise mine up without QRIS interruption and meddling. I don't think I could have parented my own way, at all. It is getting harder.
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Old 12-11-2019, 07:49 AM
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It is a really hard job and it is really hard to find balance between being a mom and a business owner and this what helped me.
I don't think anyone would believe you would ever do anything to make any child feel less than. I took it as clarifying.
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Old 12-11-2019, 07:59 AM
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You are amazing.

I am only in my second cycle and I want to light this whole house off and start again. I am so grateful I was able to raise mine up without QRIS interruption and meddling. I don't think I could have parented my own way, at all. It is getting harder.
the "parenting" is exactly what my personal email from my licensor was about! She taught me to use the same consequences and expectations as the daycare kids with my oldest son during daycare time. It was unfair to him to be any different. Make sense? So thankful for that email especially now as I type about it!
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Old 12-11-2019, 09:45 AM
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It is definitely a gray area.

As a parent my kids learned the provider's child was akin "teacher's pet". They vented non-stop about the "special" treatment the providers child received daily. It wasn't anything big or super special just enough that my kids knew.

They were also very aware of the why. The providers child had to live with the DCK's in their house, sharing their parent etc etc. but just because you know something doesn't change the way it makes you feel.

I am not saying you or anyone else is wrong I am just sharing my personal experience as a parent with kids in that situation.

As a provider, I went to great lengths to make sure my family didn't have to ever be in this position. I know it's not always an option but we all have "baggage" from our childhoods that we felt impacted us whether negatively or positively. It all influences who we are later. Same as having siblings or not having siblings etc...

You just do the best job as a parent that you can and hope your kids turn out okay. lol!
I agree and I also agree with not putting my kids in home daycare where that might happen! It is the sacrifice I made for my kids staying home. Centres are even worse where educators pick favourites and dote on that child etc. I have seen some terrible stuff that I would never dream of doing and it isn’t even their kid!! Business has also gotten infinitely easier now that my kids are in school full time!
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Old 12-11-2019, 09:46 AM
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I don't think anyone would believe you would ever do anything to make any child feel less than. I took it as clarifying.
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Old 12-11-2019, 10:36 AM
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I find this interesting. Heading the advice I have read from here, I take a lot of precautions to make sure my own children are not treated any differently than my DCK's. DD is in school all day, however my son is part of my group and as many providers children, he likes to act out when parents are here. As a result he has a special basket of toys that he plays with in his room during pick ups and drop offs and I never post him in pictures that I post to my business FB page. I see it as parents are paying me to provide care for their children, they don't want to see mine in the photos.

Almost every single parent has asked where he is and why he isn't in the room during pick and drop off times.

I have also noticed when my own children are not present during interviews, those families never enroll. When my children are present, they enroll.

It's odd and I can't figure out why.
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Old 12-11-2019, 10:55 AM
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Hi,

My son (2 years old) has started pushing my daycare children. It started with fairly gentle pushes, but he has started pushing harder. Today he pushed two children hard enough for them to fall over. He does not push for any apparent reason- it is not out of frustration or related to fighting over a toy. He seems to think it is a game- if they cry or tell him to stop, he continues, and when I tell him "No pushing", he laughs.

I'm wondering if it is due to jealousy, since he sees me paying attention to these children and sees them playing with "his" toys?

How would you recommend responding to this behavior?

Thank you in advance!

I always say my youngest child is the worst behaved one I have. My daycare is on a separate floor, so he stays upstairs most days and does what he wants to. He has his own room full of his toys that are not allowed to be in the daycare. He can watch TV an he occasionally comes down if he wants to. During nap, it is just him and I and I make sure to give him all my attention.

He acts up horribly at pick-up, so he is not allowed to be in the daycare when parents are here.

I do give him special treatment, but the other kids don't know it. As I type this, he is eating a brownie upstairs But, he also sacrifices a lot because of daycare, so I try to be more patient and understanding.

I also close several days, usually over the summer, so it can be just me and my kids.

I'm sure it's hard on them. They just don't understand. Can you give him his own space, own toys, and find time to give him 1 on 1 attention?
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Old 12-11-2019, 11:14 PM
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I treat mine special too. I'm not a touchy feely type of person though and the dcks know it. I'm not their mom. I'm not their grandma. Those roles are special to them and already occupied by their loved ones. I'm not afraid to talk to them about it either. They all know I love them. They also know I'm my kids' mommy not theirs. There's nothing wrong with that and I refuse to feel bad about it. My kids also have their own things and rooms to go to. They keep the things they don't want shared in their rooms. I would not put my kid in a playpen personally. I send them to their own room/space because this is their home and that's where they can safely go and "get away" if the daycare scene isn't working for them.
If it were my 2 year old pushing, he'd be in his room in time out often and/or redirected. I'd also keep letting him know that it's not nice and he needs to be nice to his friends. My kids get time out for the same reasons any of the others do. No special treatment there. One thing I say a lot is "Hurting our friends is not okay." It's right up there with "we don't play with that toy like that" and "we're at the table to eat. You can play when you're done"
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