My son is 6, 1st grade, doing fantastic academically. He is socially immature and struggled in the beginning of K last year. Finished strong behaviorally, socially and academically. Great reports from school/K teacher. He is most likely ADD/ADHD or Aspergers. He will be going through testing in March (pediatrician and I are waiting until he is 7).

His teacher this year continually sends home 'bad day' notes. Nothing specific, general "struggled to be kind today". When pressed, she either never responds to the email or voicemail or it isn't productive.

EG. A child spit on my son during reading centers last week. Ds said he told her to stop. She continued to spit. My son moved, was reprimanded for moving on the carpet. He lost all of his 'dollars' (reward system). The spitter moved to be next to my son, was not reprimanded and spit on him again. My son then told the teacher, and was given a time out.

The teacher agreed with the chain of events, but said my son needs to learn how to handle conflict on his own and stop tattling. He was told not to move because he always does and moved anyway. The other child did not move to be closer to him, she moved to be away from the window.

Today ds said he got up to use the restroom before raising his hand. The teacher pointed it out to the entire class as 'DS'S NAME is having BAD BEHAVIOR AGAIN." He lost a ticket. Other kids are calling him the bad kid.

I have hearsay info from a classroom Mother, too. Ds is 'that kid' and is labeled as much.

Is this situation reparable? How would you go about this? I just feel like she doesn't like my kid. That happens, I get it. If it were child care, I could just find different care. I'm sure the school is not going to be behind a classroom change.

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I would want a meeting with the teacher, principal and maybe couneslor. Your child may have some issues, but there is no reason for the teacher to blame him for everything. Also her calling him out in front of the whole class could start a bullying situation. I was on the receiving end of that in school, and it causes major issues to the one being bullied, I still suffer in some ways with the lingering effects. SHE has to change her behavior. It is true that sometimes people just don't "click" together, but she can't take it out on your son. Is there another teacher he can move to? Fight for him.

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I am sorry your son is struggling at school.
I would suggest a meeting with the teacher and possibly principal. Go into it with a "Let's come up with a plan". Try to make her part of your team.

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Wow...I'm really upset just reading this! I would absolutely not tolerate that happening! I know kids need to learn to deal with things at school and we can't do everything but in this case I wouldn't be able to stop myself and would do everything in my power to have this resolved to my satisfaction.

Spitting is disgusting behavior and the other child SHOULD have been reprimanded! That is just insane to me that your ds got in trouble for moving instead of the spitting child! Yes, he needs to learn how to handle conflict and by telling the teacher he was doing it exactly right!

I feel like this teacher is a bully and 1st grade is important, if he hates it it could set the mood for the rest of his school years. As a matter of fact, spitting on someone is being a bully as well and my school has zero tolerance policy.

I would request a meeting with the teacher and principle and go from there.

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Actually it is considered assault. Ask any police officer!

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I emailed her about today's note. She responded that we can discuss it at parent teacher conferences next month. Sorry, but a MONTH is far too long to let this continue. If Ds is disrespectful, struggling, not following directions or anything else SPECIFIC I would ABSOLUTELY back her. He NEEDS to listen to his teacher, be kind, polite and respectful. Ironically, other than being 'wiggly' and needing more breaks, his teacher last year said those exact things about him.

We have open house Monday. I will be requesting a conference then. If she doesn't agree, I'll go to the principal.

Ds has been saying he hates school, he is bad, he's stupid, the teacher hates him, and LOTS of these types of stories are coming home. His friend/his friends Mom both agree that this teacher doesn't care for him. Friends Mom said she saw ds separated from the group for burping loudly, it WAS ds the first time, teacher turned her back, and the other kids started doing it. DS lost a dollar, the other kids did not. Teacher turned her back again, same kids burped, she blamed ds, ds got a TO because he had no more dollars left. When he tried to 'tell' he was reprimanded for 'tattling'. The teachers note home the same day was about taking responsibility for his behavior.

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It's NASTY. I was pretty horrified about it, to be honest. Ds is repulsed by bodily fluid, and the minute he came home he went to change his shirt. Ds says SPIT, teacher says "blew raspberries". It may have been raspberries, but ds definitely said he was spit on.

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See now the burping thing, that just sounds like first grade behavior to me. I mean yeah you tell them to knock it off blah blah and maybe tell them what will happen if they don't, but to them it is funny at that age. I can remember my son was in first grade when I got PG with DD. He told my mom that he only wanted a brother "because boys can burp and fart and stuff". I mean they are acting their age it sounds like to me.

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Oh my, . That is terrible. As a mom,my heart breaks for what your son is going through and what you are going through by hearing about what is happening. While I do agree that children need to find ways to deal with things at school, there are different ways to go about teaching them how to do that, not by shaming them or allowing things to go on just because a child tattled, if the other child won't stop then that teacher needs to intervene, especially at that age. Sad. I hope she will have a conference with you, I wonder what she will say to you face to face.

I remember once when my dd was in 2nd grade, another child kicked her on the bus and did some other things. My dd was broken up about it and didn't want to ride the bus and cried, but I had to work so she had to ride it. Something so little like that broke my heart.

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Raspberries or not, it's still spit and is nasty. How would she like it if she had a "raspberry" blown on her?!

Sorry, I'm getting mad for you and your ds.

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We had a difficult teacher last year. Ended up switching schools. My DS was being bullied. A kid smacked him in class, he got a head wound on the bus, and he got pushed off of high playground equipment. The school refused to talk to me. No problem ... New school. DS is happy and well liked.

His best friend sounds like your DS. He is doing really well in school, too, but he had strong support at school.

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As a former teacher, this is absolutely unacceptable behavior on the teacher's part. You should definitely go to the principal. Let us know how it goes. I'm fuming for you!

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This teacher sounds like she needs a lesson on the difference between "tattling" and "telling" or "reporting". uuggh-I feel for you

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I think that teacher needs a come to jesus meeting.... My oldest son was bullied by a teacher and Oh Boy I let loose on her....I have zero tolerance for adults that bully children....( it happened to me as a kid).School is suppost to be safe.

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Ditto! Document everything right now before you forget - what he said, what you said, what the teacher said. When/how you tried to contact the teacher and what response (or lack thereof) there was, etc. It sounds like the teacher knows she's in the wrong and doesn't want to face it. She's basically bullying your child and it needs to stop.

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I would escalate this to the principal level with the reply you got from the teacher. I would insist on a meeting with the teacher and principal. Something is not quite right here and your ds is the one suffering. Even if he IS super naughty and needs a firm hand how she seems to be acting is far beyond what I find acceptable for school especially with the descriptions of the incidents.

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My Mama Bear hairs just stood up and I feel MAD. That is not acceptable. I would go to the Principal after each incident until either the teacher's behavior changes OR they move my child.

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This really upsets me because of all the problems my son had the last few years at his school , including a very bad teacher .

Teachers are supposed to be the advocate for the child , someone for the child to trust , to go to when they have a problem and need help . The teacher should not belittle a child or call them names , and I consider calling a child bad unacceptable .

You need to schedule a conference with the principle now , forget the teacher . You have already tried and she is not willing to do it in a timely manner .

Write down all the events as you may forget what happened in each incident . Document all the punishments your ds got but the others did not , ask why was only your child reprimanded . Why was your child not allowed to explain what happened .

Look into filing a formal report about the spitting and any other incidents . I have learned that just calling and talking to the teacher or principle can easily be ignored/forgotten the minute you leave the building . A paper trail is best .

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I wouldn't worry about the school not being ok with a classroom change. If that's what it takes for your son to be respected by his teacher then press for it, please!

My daughter was diagnosed in 1st grade with ADD, not hyper, just trouble with focusing. Since she is not hyper she often overlooked and felt bad about herself for not "getting it" the way everyone else did.

Over the years there have been 3 teachers that she really didn't click with. In every one of those years she struggled academically and would come home calling herself stupid, saying the teacher hated her, hating school, MAJOR meltdowns at homework time, the whole nine yards. She would have trouble focusing and needed help but was afraid to ask because "the teacher didn't like her" so she would silently be confused and lost interest and would drift off into daydreaming and her grades suffered. Instead of helping her the teachers were annoyed with her because she wasn't paying attention. Then when she did ask for help they were short tempered because they, and I now agree, didn't like her.

I looked into an IEP each of these years and was always told "let's wait and see, this is just a tough year". The following years she had teachers that she LOVED and did well, but still struggled with her ADD. Her grades were good enough that she wasn't failing, but still she was getting a lot of just passing grades, which only came after a HUGE amount of struggling with homework and constant prodding from home, not to mention how many meltdowns daily before and after school and fighting over homework.

She is now in 8th grade and I FINALLY put my foot down and INSISTED on an iep meeting after her worst year yet last year. Again they tried the "let's wait and see" bull. Not happening again.

Looking back, I wish I had known then what I know now...that these teachers were rough on her, and didn't like her. At the time I thought she was being overly sensitive, but looking back I see so much more clearly. Darn hindsight! I wish it was this clear back then! I only realized how much she struggled when my second daughter started school last year and I had something to compare it to. What my oldest daughter went through was not necessary and I have a HUGE amount of guilt that I will never get rid of.

Anyway, I believe the teacher really does not like your son and will make him hate school. It happens, the teacher isn't going to like everyone. She may even take out all her frustrations on him, just because.

I strongly urge you to call TODAY! Talk to the principal, talk to the superintendent of schools if you have to. Switch him to another class. If he does in fact have ADD/ADHD or if you suspect then I wouldn't wait to have him tested. My doctor does them at 6. If down the road you feel he needs an iep then insist on it, they will not suggest it to you, you have to press for it.

I always thought that the school was there to help and if they felt my daughter needed help they would tell me. I was so wrong. They did everything they could to skate around it for so long, It made me think my daughter was over reacting and just needed to try harder. These particular teachers were rough on her and looking back I see that during those years (2nd, 4th and 7th grades) she developed an extreme hate of school that could have been better if she had a better experience.

Don't wait until open house, definitely don't wait until the teacher conference. Do it now! I wish I did! I wish I had someone on the outside to tell me that this wasn't normal. I wish during those difficult years I had pressed for a different teacher. Like I said, Darn hindsight!

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And absolutely PUT IT IN WRITING!! If it is written they have to act! Another fact I did not know until this year!

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You've already been given some great advice. The top things I agree with are
-skip meeting with the teacher. It's already gone too far with her. Go straight to the principal.
-demand he be switched to another teacher right away. This teacher already has her issues with him. Even if she were reprimanded by the principal-her feelings aren't going to change and any changes she did make would only be superficial.
-make sure your ds knows that you support him 100% and will stick up for him if he's being bullied
Good luck!

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Crafty, thank you for sharing. That hit hard with me, as a kid I had very similar issues. Please don't beat yourself up, you are clearly a great momma bear!

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Oh crafty that sounds all too familiar. I have had experience with ONE teacher bully with my oldest daughter- she is ahead of grade level, and this teacher called her stupid repeatedly. It went so far as for me to hide an audio recording device to get it on tape. DD had ZERO issues with other teachers before or after. Her classroom placement was immediately switched when I played that for the principal----and the teacher was a no-show to that meeting (not even knowing the 'proof' I had).

Ds has open house tonight and I will be speaking to the teacher then. If I am not 100% satisfied, I will be bringing my concerns to the principal immediately following that conversation.

I wish teachers could be more open about it. I am NOT meshing with this kid, and I think it would serve him better to have a different placement this year. Why is it taboo to NOT like a child? His teacher last year just adored him, and his classroom teachers assistant has become our weekend sitter!

I have had kids in care who I didn't click with at first, and I put in extra effort to get to know them and make that connection. I have also let children go because I COULDN'T bring myself to like them at all. (of course I never told parents that...)

Ds's behavior is NOT really bad/awful either. He is wiggly/fidgety, sensory seeking but we have really made progress and his last years teacher was awesome with tips to help and his behaviors all but eliminated with her support. (books, something to squeeze in his pocket, rule and schedule reminders before the next transition, etc) His previous teachers (K and prek, and me in a group care setting ) all said he was very kind, polite, respectful, just wiggly. If you don't have the experience (and lets face it, patience) to deal with a more active/distracted child, everything they do will drive you batty.

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I haven't read any of the responses or follow ups, but I'm so mad for you, and upset for your son.

The teachers in both my kids K and G1 class encourage the kids to react exactly how your son did in the face of bullying. Ask for the behavour to stop, remove yourself from the situation, then tell the teacher if it doesn't. It seems like your son is damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't.

The more I think about this, the angrier I become. I'm sure you are, but please insist on a parent/teacher meeting. UGH.

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Let us know how it goes at open house

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I agree with letting us know. And remember we all standing with you!!

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How did the talk with the teacher go diva?

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It didn't go well. She was very resistant to speaking to me about the issues, and said that if it was warranted, she would have contacted me. Ds's behavior changed when we got to the room. He got very quiet and sullen. The dollars are on a bulletin board, and each child's name/folder was OVERFLOWING. Ds has 1. When we walked by the dollars and the reward bin (they can use dollars to buy books, small toys, free play time in the classroom, no homework tickets, etc) ds said "I can't pick from the reward bin because I'm bad. Bad kids don't get to pick."

I started crying. I left the room (and left ds with dh) and went to go speak to the principal. He said the he was aware my ds was struggling- yet the teacher just said that it wasn't enough to warrant contacting ME to discuss?- I didn't send DS Friday. The principal called me and I told him my concerns, we have a meeting Tues.

I bumped into his K teacher on the way out and she asked how he liked first grade and I was honest. She told me this teacher just had a baby, came back from maternity and didn't want to return to work at all. She also has a history of having issues with certain kids other teachers didn't have issues with.

Dh and I have discussed private school. There is a catholic and a Montessori school close enough to transport ds to.

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Wow the more this goes on, the madder I get. Please be writing down all your thoughts and such as notes for the meeting, so you don't forget them when the heat is on. I hope you get this worked out. I have an idea that might help your son. In Kansas, I had a brother and sister dcks. The sister was five years older, and would tell her brother he was being "bad". Usually she said that when he had misbehaved, but I taught her not to say that, because there is no such thing as a bad child, just bad behavior. So perhaps you can tell your DS that? Your DS is not bad, he may not be perfect, but he is not bad.

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I am SO sorry you are dealing with this I'm just so upset for you and I hope the meeting goes well Tuesday or that you are able to move him somewhere else so he doesn't have to be subjected to this poor treatment anymore! Keep us posted and you will be in my thoughts!

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Oh Diva, I applaud your restraint. She's lucky to still be walking upright. Your ds is not bad, stupid, whatever. Children make bad choices sometimes, but that does not mean they are bad people.

I think, many times, parents are reluctant to rock the boat at school because they feel the teachers and administration have superior knowledge concerning the ways of the classroom. But NO ONE is more knowledgeable about your kid than you are. You are his greatest advocate, his greatest cheering section. And you are absolutely doing right by him. Stand firm with that principal. If you don't leave that meeting with the answers you need, get your boy out of there. I would go ahead and speak with the admissions offices at these other schools so you can pull him quickly if necessary.

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Pulling and putting him in a new school might be necessary if the school won't work with you. Unfortunately, private school can have bad teachers also. I had a bully for a teacher in Catholic school in 5th grade. I completely understand how devastating that can be for a child.

Just remain on guard no matter what kind of school you put him in.

Hugs to you and your son.

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I am upset for you as well. You are a good advocate for him and her answers were ridiculous.

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I'm sorry to hear diva. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers through this all. I hope the meeting goes well with the principle.

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The year my oldest had the roughest year it was also with a teacher returning from MAT leave (with triplets!) teacher held the health insurance for the family so had to come back when she did.
Anyway, I'm reading along and hoping things work out!!

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The year my oldest had the roughest year it was also with a teacher returning from MAT leave (with triplets!) teacher held the health insurance for the family so had to come back when she did.
And I don't allow "raspberries" in my day care because often they are just a way to hide the fact the kids are in fact spitting
Anyway, I'm reading along and hoping things work out!!

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I hope everything gets solved quickly. I can't himaing how awful this must be for all of you.

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I'm not trying to pry Diva, but I've been thinking about you and your ds a lot this week, as I'm sure many others have too.

How did the meeting go with the principal?

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The principal was very receptive. I went in there not to attack the teacher, but with the aim of helping her and ds, and I believe that helped diffuse the situation some. I just said that I didn't think it was a good fit for ds.

The principal was receptive to my concerns and I was even able to say to the teacher that it was FINE if she wasn't meshing with ds, it happens, and I don't think it has anything to do with her personally, but it was affecting ds negatively and I need to do what's best for him. She nodded.

They are looking to place him in another classroom. The teacher is not allowed to do her dollar system until ds is moved and they determine that she is being fai, since he saw on observation yesterday that it was negatively affecting not only ds- but another child in the classroom. He wants her to formally write up how the dollars are earned, lost, warnings, and show that it's fair to all.

*sigh* I sent ds in today, and I'm sure he will tell me every detail later. I'm still all upset from it all, and just wish I could pull him and CHOSE his teacher. (like parents can with providers!!)

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Daycarediva, I am so sorry to read about your story it is so sad to have teachers like this in the classrooms, and to see the negative effects on children like your DS. I hope that you can get a classroom change soon and that things turn around for your son! for the great restraint and professionalism you managed to maintain, I'm sure it was so hard but hopefully will be a good example for your son on how to deal with unfair situations, and to stand up for what is right!

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I am hoping they will move him as soon as tomorrow for you and for his well being. I am also glad they are looking at her system of dollars, it should be fair to every child. I will never forget third grade when our teacher did something like that with tickets. The day before we were to buy things with them at the end of the year, mine disappeared they had been in pockets taped to the front of our desks. I told the teacher about it, and I know she had to have known that I had them, how could she not have? She passed them out and she saw them daily. So I of course was upset when I went in and saw that. She gave me ONE ticket to replace them and went on selling stuff as usual. We had been saving the tickets all year, this was the last day of school. Of course I couldn't buy anything with one ticket. I guess now that I type that all out I am still mad about it.

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I'm glad that the principal and teacher had a sit down with you and are allowing your ds to move classrooms. I'm glad that the teacher has to write up how the dollars are earned. Even if she doesn't mesh well with a child, there's no reason for her to use the dollars against them, you would think she would know that. I feel for you and your ds.

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I'm glad the meeting went well. I hope they don't take their time about it.

Perhaps keeping your child home until changes are made will make them move faster?

Personally that is the route I would go. Now that you have had this meeting the I would be worried about my child being in the classroom, worried the teacher would be resentful toward him. At the very least there will be tension.

I would make a call to the principal and let him know that I feel it is in the best interest of my child to remain home until this is resolved.

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That may not be a bad idea.

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DS said today went ok, lots of details on OK, and I agree.

DS is soooo social and outgoing that being home really bothers him. I will pull him, if necessary but so far, this is our best bet.

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