Ladies, have any of you ever had a child who does not participate in activities or interact with the other children?
I have a little boy here who is almost 2-1/2. He has an older sister, so he's not an only child. I used to care for her, she was a Normal, happy, smart, busy, social, outgoing little girl. This little guy is quiet, talks to himself (full conversations) he prefers to play alone. No matter what we try, the kids and I, he is not interested in interacting at all. He answers questions, if you say 'come play with us' he says 'ok' and follows them and then just stands there and watches....almost like he doesn't know what to do....or doesn't want to play. My place is very busy, lots to do,and kids his age to play with....when we are doing organized activities, or art for instance, he will sit there and just watch the kids.....he spends most of his time standing to the side, just watching, mumbling to himself.....
He's a very smart boy. He knows his alphabet, all his colors, he can even read words on flash cards......and all of that when it's just one-on-one with me.

Have any of you ever had a child like this?? And any suggestions??

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he sounds over stimulated. I have one here that is like this.

On days when I have fewer kids and less going on, he seems to do better. He almost never participates in anything other than one on one lessons with me.

I do make him a space at the front of the preschool room that one friend can play with him.

is there anyway that you can offer a space for him that is less stimulating?

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I can try....but I've been thinking since I posted this...... his sister is 5, very domineering personality. Very controlling type A child. Smart as the come too....the parents baby him from what I see when I see them interacting with him.. so he has a sister who is controlling, parents treating him like a baby..... he's VERY picky with food......4 days out of 5 he won't eat a thing all day....when I've talked to the mom about this she tells me that they cut his food in tiny baby bites, and to give him ketchup or some ranch dip because he likes that......when it's time to clean up, he stands off to the side, I have to keep telling him over and over to help (not unusual I know) but when asking the mom if he cleans up his toys at home, she tells me he does when he is directed to.....they have to tell him each individual toy to pick up (ie: pick up the red truck and put it in the blue box)...... and I asked if he plays with his sister or just side by side parallel play, and she said that he does not play with her unless he has direction....... very very different personality...Almost like he doesn't have a mind of his own unless he is told what to do. I want so badly to help him open up, but I dont really know how to get thru to him

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Before I give any advice, is he a timid child? Is it more nervousness/shyness or do you think it is a developmental issue? Two very different directions you would need to go in depending on your response...

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I would stop giving him every direction....he's waiting on everyone to hold his hand through everything.

for clean up. I would give him a section of toys to clean up and a bucket. tell him, when you are done cleaning up you can come color with the rest of us. Let him take charge of what he needs to do.

I think that giving him options would really work. this will teach him to make decisions for himself.

so at clean up you can say. JOhnny would you like the blue bucket to put the toys away in or the green bucket to put the toys away in. This way, he is getting to make a decision himself and he is still going to have to clean up the mess.

I have a child that was like this from age3-4. When he was Potty training, I had to tell him step by step what to do...it was annoying. One day, after a straight month of gcing step by step directions, I just started walking away and letting him do it on his own. I know that he was more than capable, but he waited on me to tell him what to do.

his mom is a HUGE helicopter mom and he expected me to be the same way.

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he is somewhat timid, but he is very, very bright.

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Yes, it is very time consuming and frustrating to have to constantly tell him what to do each and every step of the way. He just stands there silently or sits there waiting to be told what to do.....that takes my time and attention away from the other kids when I am having to give him so much direction....yet, I don't want to ignore the poor child

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My oldest son was a lot like this. He was the kid catching butterflies during a soccer game, or counting windows at swim lessons. It was typical at 3 or 4, but he got heckled off the soccer field at 9 (well, I actually just withdrew him...lol..when I heard other parents say "who IS that kid?"

In Kindy his teacher complained because he never seemed to pay attention, until one day she asked him what she'd read, and he recounted details in the story no one else knew... After that, she stopped saying anything.

He was also a picky eater. It was a topic of conversation for every family member, visitor, and friend. He became "famous" for being picky. No matter how many times I told people to stay out of it, they didn't. Oh, and he WOULD eat brocoli with ketchup (yeck!) at 2 1/2, until my sister yelled at me in front of him for letting him. So, he stopped eating brocoli.

In any case, he's 23 now, still figuring out his life's work (he works, just not at what he wants). His IQ is about 140, and he's a prolific writer. He eats lots of different things (still no brocoli, to my knowledge), loves to cook (suprise..he has control over it), and has a kind heart.

Let the little guy be who he is. He's probably got a head full of ideas. Support his independence wherever you can, and give him opportunities to make small decisions that aren't overwhelming.

Perhaps you can find some information on supporting gifted children for the parents. Even if he's not gifted, what parent wouldn't want to hear that you suspect he is? They wouldn't want to hold him back, would they?

Here is a really great website for parents and teachers of gifted children:

http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/gifted_101.htm

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he's only 2.5 right??

how long has he been with you... is he ESL?

I have a child who is ESL and I have to show her every day what we do and say it over and over. LIke when we go to wash our hands I have to walk her through it every single time step by step. She is about to turn 3, but she has been with me for over a year.

I would take some time and show him what you want him to do... point out the other kids doing it. JOhnny do you see sally picking up the toys, lets help her....then walk away....

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I would not be surprised one bit if he were gifted. His sister is the smartest child I have EVER known. She amazes me. He's been with me since he was an infant. He's never really liked playing with other children, but he's backed away the older he's gotten. Today, I decided to just let him be. I haven't said a word to him about playing or suggested anything to him, just to see what he would do. He's been sitting or standing in the same spot, just looking around, mumbling to himself about whatever. Nobody is bothering him and he seems quite content with being left alone.

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this is my dck...he is best when he is alone or with only one other child. I also leave him be. I always ask if he wants to join in even though I know he will alway say no

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My granddaughter is 2.5 and is very much like that. She is a loner. Every day when my daughter picked her up from her daycare she would be playing by herself. I have no conerns about her at all developmentally. She's just very independant and prefers to play by herself. She can entertain herself for hours...and she talks to herself, a lot.

I will say though that she wants things to be 'her' way (she's also very headstrong) so I also think the reason she plays by herself is so she can play 'her' way without someone else interfering in what she's doing.

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Well, I thank everyone for the advice. I think I will just let him be. I'll ask if he wants to participate and if he doesn't then I'll just leave him alone. He is perfectly content just standing against the wall watching and talking to himself. Strange to me, but apparently it's what he wants to do!

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Just make sure to "check in" with him now and then. Even if he's not touchy-feely, give him a hand on the shoulder, a thumbs up, etc, just so he knows you're all still there. Even if he prefers being alone, I wouldn't want him to be lonely.

Does he have a passion? My son was a train fanatic, and would spend hours playing with trains (esp Thomas the Tank Engine). At 3 he'd fill his room with elaborate tracks. He also loved any kind of building toys. Legos, K'nex, etc.

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I was this child... and in some ways I'm still like this as an adult. For me, it was a mild social anxiety. I just feel more comfortable observing rather than participating.


IME, I did like to be encouraged slightly, then left alone to make the decision of whether or not I felt comfortable enough to jump in. I usually got super nervous when I was encouraged too much because then I felt too pressured and like it was a big deal if I didn't do things the right way, kwim?


He could just be an observer and he's just taking it all in

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I think it's a pier thing.... If I am standing far away, like across the room, he's standing there, doing nothing but watching.....he would do this for hours, inside or outside...now, as SOON as I go close to him, or where he is, he comes over to me and starts chatting....he will answer me, hand me toys etc.....but if another child approaches him, he gets quiet, he won't speak TO them but he will repeat over and over what he hears them say....and he won't play with them at all, but he WILL play with me

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I always felt more at ease with adults rather than other children, also.

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Actually it's the opposite now. I don't feel comfortable with other adults... which is why I'm in the childcare field

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My DS was/is exactly like that. His older sister was a social butterfly and loved being in large groups and being the center of everything going on.

My DS preferred adults verses kids his age (and still does as a young adult).

He HATES large groups of people and would much rather observe than participate.

It bothered me forever that he wasn't as socially active as his sister.....until I realized one day that being social was what I wanted for him, not what HE wanted.

I think your best plan of action is to do what you said and invite him to join and leave him alone if he declines.

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Is there another child in the group that could be encouraged to take him under his wing? Not all the time, but some one-on-one a few days a week?

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My 3 yo dcg has the same kind of personality. I just let her choose if and when she wants to participate. If she wants to join in, it's usually just a minute or two of observing then she asks if she can play. I always allow her to have some time playing by herself. After a few minutes of alone time, I will talk to her about what she is playing, then ask if it is okay if "so-and-so" plays, too. That gets an enthusiastic "Yes!" from her. Much easier on everybody.

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Yes there is, but that actually bothers him more when they try to include him. He really only wants to interact with me. He is a little parrot and will pick up on one thing they say and repeat it over and over and over a million times to himself, not too loud, he's very quiet, but he will go over a sentence a billion times until someone notices he is saying it and says something to him. Then, once he realizes he was heard, he stops talking. The kids have stopped paying attention to him the past month or so since he doesn't play. He is like part of the furniture now, they don't even notice him at all. Breaks my heart. I keep trying to get them to include him, but the oldest child who will be 4 in a month says 'well he doesn't like to play with us anyway'

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oohhh.....seein' some red flags there...

-Have you ever heard of Echolalia? I was trying to find a video, but no luck. The child hears a word, and repeats it "incessantly"...such as "Daddy come...daddy come daddy come?" if you say "Yes, daddy is comming soon..", child would go back to "daddy come, daddy come?" It may be accompanied by rocking, arm flapping, or hair twisting...something rythmic.

-When he talks to others, does he often use the 3rd person? My friend's daughter (now 14 and long ago diagnosed with PPD-non specific) was little, she would often say "she wants..." for herself. She would rarely speak to those outside her family. An example:

We had their family and several others out on the lake one day, and the kids were zip-sliding. She was 3 or 4. Because new experiences were generally not her thing, we all ASSUMED that she would not want to ride. So, one after the other, the other kids rode. Suddenly, I realized she was standing there twirling her hair, saying "she wants to go on the slidey thing...she wants to go on the slidey thing" quietly to herself. suprise!

I told my friend..."ah...Tammy, I think Alexa wants to go, too". Tammy asked her, and sure enough, she did! So glad I heard her! whew..

Alexa also has sensory issues, which make her a "picky eater". As a young child, she also got VERY frustrated about things like putting her shoes on herself. She'd tantrum if you helped her, but tantrum because she couldn't do it herself. alas. Like I said, she's 14 now, and she's a sweetie. But, she's had a lot of therapy and is on meds for anxiety.

It's so hard to know what to say. Early intervention is so important, but it's so hard to convince parents to at least have kids evaluated. Maybe if she could see how he is there somehow? Could you film him for her? Maybe it would hit home if she perceived him as lonely or sad. Tough love for mom...

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my niece was very much like this....it was pretty amazing, she could repeat an entire cartoon word for word, or several lines from a movie. Almost like rainmain.

if you said want to go outside, she would repeat it 100 times, until she heard something else to say.

I watched her for a bit, she was very delayed for her age at the age of 3.5, but she soon caught up and to my knowledge, she is doing just fine.

She came to daycare late in the game, was never around kids and left infront of the tv all day by her father and had almost zero interactions of communication.

I could not stand to be around everyone as they would talk for her, answer her questions when I asked her something and so on.

When I had her, I really struggled with her...ugh it was horrible. I even recommended to her mom to have her evaluated, only to piss them off. Later she was evaluated due to court matters with the father and they came back all normal...

she's about to go to the first grade and from what I hear she is very smart and grew out of her shyness too...

I think that I have learned that there are just some kids we can't understand and connect with, but we can still provide for them .

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I completely agree with this statement!
He heard someone say 'where did I put the ball?'.....and after about 10 minutes of him repeating that line over and over I realized that he was saying it. We just kind of tune him out sad to say because he doesn't WANT to interact so I often just give him something to do by himself....so he was saying 'Where did I put the ball?'......I happened to know where the ball was and handed it to him.....he said 'where did i put the ball? there is the ball. I found the ball. I found the ball. Ya! I found the ball! Ya! I found the ball!'.......he will have two sided conversations with himself.....Monday it was ' where are the dogs? I don't see them. Do YOU see them? Yes, I see them. Where? Over there. See? Do you see them? YES, I see them'......... ?????

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My son, who has Asperger's, was very much like this. I see a lot of red flags here. In addition to what you wrote above, you've also said he's picky with food, has to be told what to do each step of the way, he has a "different" personality, he appears to be timid, he's very bright, he's content to be left alone and he repeats words/phrases, enjoys one-on-one interaction with adults more than peers... all can be characteristic of Asperger's. If it were just one or two things going on, I probably wouldn't worry too much but the fact that he has so many hallmarks, I think I'd be pushing for the parents to at least think about having him evaluated. Have you spoken with his parents about your concerns? Do they seem at all concerned?

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yes, yes, yes!

If you think there's any way to get them to have him evaluated, then use any means necessary to get that done...convince them!

If there's nothing going on, no harm done...he's just a quirky kid, like my son(s). If there IS something, then he will have a much better quality of life if he gets help earlier than later.

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OMG. I think I figured it out!!!
Ok so get this..... normally I do not have this little boy on Friday's. I have him 3 other days a week, but the past few weeks, I've had him on Friday's too. Today, he came in, happy, smiles, talking to me, the kids, interacting with everyone. Playing with the toys.....the kids..... he is still a bit reserved, and he does talk to himself constantly, but no big deal........I have just been watching him today as he's been acting more like a 'normal' 2 1/2 year old.......so, the thought hit me..... what is different about today. Why is it that the past few Friday's he is 'normal' for lack of a better word. Well, the 4 yr old girl that I take care of is not here on Friday's. Everyone else is here, just not her. She doesn't come on Friday's.......so...I started thinking......she's a typical little girl....bossy, busy, wants to be in charger (she is the oldest one I have)....she is constantly trying to get him to do things (play, sit, stand, etc...) not really trying to be mean to him, but she wants to direct everyone.......I have to constantly keep her busy.....so I think that she intimidates him. His sister is 5, and she is VERY controlling and bossy, so I think that's why he is the way he is at home and here. Because when talking to the mom last night, he is the same way at home.... so I really do think that these bossy girls who want to be in charge, are just too much for this little meek boy to handle! I'm going to talk to the mom tonight and tell her what I think. Maybe she can redirect her daughter too, so he can be himself and be comfortable in his own home

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You're awesome! I'm so happy that you keep trying to figure it out. A tip of the hat to you on provider appreciation day.

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Thank you!! Oh, I will not rest until I figure things out LOL. I've been doing this job for almost 28 years......and I just NEED to make sure everyone is 'ok' and if not, I NEED to figure out why and what to do to help.

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I would much rather observe than participate in things and I'd prefer to not be spoken to if at all possible. I'd just keep an eye on his development and his quirky personality.

I should add that I have Asperger's and while I can deal with interactions with children, I HATE drop off and pick up time. It's incredibly difficult for me to "fake it" to the best of my ability. I'm definitely a "loner child" turned "loner adult." I pick ONE person who I talk to and that's it in life. Other people, whether related or not, barely get anything. Or, if they get something it's here and there and on my terms. This forum is about as social as I get.

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