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Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>Ever Had A Daycare Provider Friend That You Can't Trust?
MamaBear 10:54 AM 05-03-2011
Okay - so I have a daycare provider friend that lives about 5 miles from me. She came to me a few years ago and wanted advice on starting her own daycare. I helped her out and we became "phone" friends. I say phone friends because we would talk on the phone and never really see eachother because we're both busy with our daycares and lives.

I really liked her a lot but now shes been doing some shady stuff to me. I'm not sure if I should continue talking to her. I really like talking to her though because she knows what the day to day life of doing daycare is like and we can vent to eachother (kinda like this forum)

Anyway - Long story a little bit shorter... I had a lady call me looking for daycare with an adorable 10 month old boy. I didnt have an infant space available at the time, so I thought maybe I'd refer her to my friend but I made sure this mom knew that I dont know much about what her daycare is like or how she runs things. My friend lives in a small apartment and her daycare consists of a very small livingroom and nothing else but I wanted this mom to find out for herself and make her own decisions.

So the mom checks out my friends daycare and she calls me back that it was awful. I had no idea because I'd never really seen it since she started doing daycare (about 2 yrs ago). She said her policy manual was 30+ pages long and the play area was tiny. She only has 2 kids there... She just didnt like it. I didnt tell my "friend" about the phone call because I didnt want to hurt her feelings. I guess the mom called her on her own and said that she was going to just keep her son home with her after all.

A couple months goes by and one of my families gets military orders to leave and so I have an infant spot open. I post my ad again and this same mom calls me again all excited that I have a spot. Im happy because they were a really nice family but I just didnt have a space before. I stupidly tell my daycare friend about the call. I instantly hear her tone is a little bitter.

The next day the "mom" comes to my house with the husband and baby to check it out again and pick up paperwork to sign up. The mom then tells me that "my friend" called her the day before (the day I told her about them signing up with me) and pretty much was trying to persuade her to come to her daycare and that she has a space for her son. What the heck???

I was really mad when she told me this. Mainly because I felt like "my friend" was trying to swipe this family away right from under me. I told the "mom" that her and her husband are adults and that THEY make the choice where they want to go. If you want to go there or here, its totally okay. Its not up to me or her. The mom just laughed and said she thought it was really weird how 'my friend' called her but she didnt care. She said she straight out told her that she was actually signing her son up with me and my friend acted like she didnt know.

Anyway - this put a really sour taste in my mouth with 'my friend'. Shes done other things before that makes me wonder about her too... If I say someone called me looking for daycare for their 3 yr old part time, she'll put an ad up stating something like "I currently have a part time space for your 3 year old" ... like shes hoping they will call her too. Or if I post my ad, she'll post her ad right above mine.

I had referred a lot of families her way in the past, but strangely nobody has signed up with her that I send that way. She has referred ONE person to me in the past and it was a super weird family that nobody would want.

I hate the feeling of the fact that I helped her get her daycare started, referred people to her, trusted her and became friends with her, but she is all about the $$ and will stab me in the back just to get a daycare kid in her daycare. I dont get it. She always seems really happy when I'm unhappy with a daycare situation... You know the kind of "friend" who thrives on when your not happy? Yeah... that type..

I'm not referring anyone to her anymore. I really dont feel like I trust her.
Should I even be friends with this person? Has anyone else had a situation like this?
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MamaBear 10:55 AM 05-03-2011
Another weird thing that happened with this "friend"... She had an unexpected visit from the State Licensing office last year and coincidentally they came to my house the next day... I hadnt had a visit in years. Seemed strange that they came to me the next day. Coincidence or did she tell them to visit me?
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Blackcat31 11:00 AM 05-03-2011
I think your instincts are telling you something....maybe you should listen to them...kwim?
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MamaBear 11:02 AM 05-03-2011
Your right... I think my instincts are right about her... It just sucks because I thought she was a friend. Oh well. Live and learn, right?
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Blackcat31 11:06 AM 05-03-2011
I've been in the same boat....instead of not being friends anymore (which we were only phone friends to begin with) I simply only discuss vague topicswith her such as weather or colds and the type of things you would talk about with a stranger or casual aquaintance.

It does suck because you thought of her as a friend but better to bail out now than get yourself (and your business reputation) in any deeper.

People all have ulterior motives and work in very strange ways so when your gut is telling you something it is usually spot on!
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Live and Learn 11:08 AM 05-03-2011
Originally Posted by MamaBear:
Your right... I think my instincts are right about her... It just sucks because I thought she was a friend. Oh well. Live and learn, right?
She isn't a true friend.

Sorry you had to deal with her drama.

Good luck.

Congrats on the new dc baby.
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laundrymom 11:10 AM 05-03-2011
Jealousy is a very real and common reason that providers are hesitant to be friends with each other. Unfortunatly because it is such an isolating and lonely job, it's hard to make friends. It does happen, and when it does treasure it. Most times if you run a first rate program and your neighbor across the alley runs a substandard, they sometimes feel as if they aren't as good or that things come easy for you. They see the results of your hard work, not the hours it took to get a form how you want it or the months of searching every sale, rummage, and thrift store for the perfect doll buggy. They see your final copy, not your rough drafts. Does that make sense. I'm sorry this friend seems to be stabbing you in the back. I would stop referring people, I would give them the number of your r&r agency. When she calls be polite but don't talk shop. She could use a minor vent against you. I would get involved in the trainings and support of your local resource and referral. Get involved with a mentor, actively seek out a support network for yourself. Sending love and support.

Good luck.
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daycare 11:17 AM 05-03-2011
One thing that I have learned in life is that people do strange things when it involves money.... I would also bail out and distant myself from the other DCP. If she cant be adult about it and gets jealous every time you have some positive action in your DCbusiness then that is not someone you want in your life in anyway.

I have tried to befriend some of the other DCP in my area, but they all treat me like I am their competition.... I am not.. I believe that there is someone for everyone. They may not like me and like the other DCP better, or vice versa. It's not really my final say where a parent goes, it's theirs...

Sorry that you had to go through this, but I agreee with other posters....bail out..
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cheerfuldom 11:18 AM 05-03-2011
sounds like you should cut the relationship off. Certainly don't ruin your reputation by referring people to her. I did one referral one time and got burnt really bad over it. A mom wanted a bit cheaper than I could offer. I didn't take her son but I did give her the name of an aquaintance that does daycare. Turns out this other provider had 16 kids there (licensed for 10) and was advertising for even more kids. I made a huge mistake in offering up this name. The daycare mom made a mistake in signing up before seeing all the kids there and lost her deposit and two weeks pay when she would not leave her son there the first day. She ended up staying at home too.
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MamaBear 11:27 AM 05-03-2011
Thanks so much guys. I think I'll just keep it real simple with her... Not be buddies and not talk every day but just keep my distance like an acquaintance would. I will never refer anyone that way now. I dont want my name associated with how her daycare is. I've only seen pictures in her ads of her daycare and I guess the pics are deceiving of how it actually is. My husband has always felt she was shady... I guess I needed some proof and now I got it.

I tried going to a provider meeting that they have locally with about 15 ladies to meet other providers by me, and only one seemed truly nice. Everyone else seemed to be sizing eachother up and checking out their "competition". Anything I'd say someone would have to top it with something even bigger and better. It was so weird! I'll just keep to myself and my own biz. I've got the day off today for a dr appt and just wanted to see what you all thought of this situation.

I'm so happy to have found this lovely forum to talk to all you guys!!
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wdmmom 11:27 AM 05-03-2011
I wouldn't refer anyone, I wouldn't call, and I wouldn't answer when she calls. Or, if you want to raise a ruckus, tell her when she calls that you no longer wish to speak to her because of her actions. I'm sure she'll pull the, "I have no idea what you are talking about" routine but you already know better.

If history has a way of repeating itself, it's only a matter of time before licensing is back out or she stirs up some other kind of drama.

And a personal note:

If I were in the market for a provider...there's no way in the world I would take my child to a person that resides in an apartment! Especially if it wasn't located on the first floor! That's just asking for trouble! YIKES!
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MamaBear 11:32 AM 05-03-2011
If I were in the market for a provider...there's no way in the world I would take my child to a person that resides in an apartment! Especially if it wasn't located on the first floor! That's just asking for trouble! YIKES![/quote]


Yes I agree! She has a bottom floor apartment and seriously the pictures make it look like its all about the daycare with new cute decorations and toys... but I guess that was just a "staging effect" in her ads. I cant imagine doing daycare in an apartment. The mom who was looking didnt seem to mind that, until she actually saw it.
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jojosmommy 11:41 AM 05-03-2011
Sorry to hear about this. I would cut ties with her but try to do it in a way in which she doesnt get so offended she calls you in all the time otherwise you might have the state out there checking in on you again for no reason.

I have a daycare friend just 2 houses away and we go to the park and chat about ideas etc at least 1-2 times a week (in the summer). Occassionally we go to the others houses with all our dck and play together. I think its great. I refer people to her and vice versa. I even use her as my back up for my own kids when I need a day off totally kid free!

If you can find someone you trust who runs daycare similar to you then its great!
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DCMom 11:49 AM 05-03-2011
Originally Posted by jojosmommy:
Sorry to hear about this. I would cut ties with her but try to do it in a way in which she doesnt get so offended she calls you in all the time otherwise you might have the state out there checking in on you again for no reason.

I have a daycare friend just 2 houses away and we go to the park and chat about ideas etc at least 1-2 times a week (in the summer). Occassionally we go to the others houses with all our dck and play together. I think its great. I refer people to her and vice versa. I even use her as my back up for my own kids when I need a day off totally kid free!

If you can find someone you trust who runs daycare similar to you then its great!

Same here ~ I would go nuts if I didn't have someone to talk to and hang out with in the summer. Two of my best friends are also providers and we have been friends for nearly 15 years.

In your case, I don't necessarily think it's because she is a dcprovider. I think it's the kind of person she is, no matter the profession she isn't going to change so I would keep my contact with her to a minimum.
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melskids 12:02 PM 05-03-2011
i had a "friend" of 6 years, who lived 4 houses down, and also did daycare.

we did everything together, our families, and with the daycare kids.

4 years ago i moved out of town, two hours away.

a friend of a friend looked me up and told me all the horrible things she said about me behind my back, about my husband (secrets i told her in confidence) that i was fat and ugly, and the most hurtful, that i was mean to my DC kids. horrible untrue things.

i was hurt at first, but i realized she was just jealous. her marriage was a hot mess, her kids were in and out of trouble all the time, and she was the horrible daycare lady. (not really but all they did was sit in front of the TV all day, or she would drag them shopping at the mall a couple times a week)

i cant figure out why she would wait until i moved to talk about me. i was gone and no longer a threat. but whatever.

i cut off all ties with her. i kept ignoring her phone calls and eventually she went away. i didnt bother to confront her either.
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MsMe 12:43 PM 05-03-2011
I have one lady that was org a friend of my Mothers but as I became a provider she calls me all the time! I don't think very highly of her services or house so I only refer the really wierd calls her..this is just to get the 'refer some of those calls to me!" off my back. She has been a provider long enough to know better than to take them and we laugh about it later (no harm done right?) I direct everyone else to CCR&R (she is on that list so in a way it is refering her?)

I do not talk about personal daycare plans or issues, families, money with her and mostly she just chats my ear off complaining about one thing or another.


I once had a daycare family interview and say they loves the place and all of my pratices and policies, but were worried about the smoking. I have been smoke free for 2 years and never smoked on daycare property (it is even against the law to do so here). I still have a little feeling it was this 'friend' who gave them this 'tip' as it was the only interview that we ever shared and I accidently let it slip when she said that she was interviewing them that they were comming to see me the next day.
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Cat Herder 12:51 PM 05-03-2011
I have found that the level of "Daycare Frienemy" drama is inversely related to the distance in miles to one another's Daycares.

Fewer Miles = More Drama

More Miles = Less Drama
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countrymom 12:53 PM 05-03-2011
my friend lives in the city and I live in the county so there really isn't any compitition. But she does live next door to my sister. But we all get along (acually I just got off the phone with her) its nice to have someone who is on the same page as you, besides you guys.
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QualiTcare 01:24 PM 05-03-2011
when there's competition it's hard to have a friendship.

i had a best friend since 6th grade and when i was younger and single (19/20 and living on my own) i had guys (just friends!) telling me that she was saying things like, "why do you all like her so much?" and one night this guy who i had dated briefly called her on 3 way so that i could hear her hitting on him. she gave him her number and told him to call so they could hang out sometime. i really didn't care ABOUT HIM bc i was finished with him anyway, but who tries to have their best friend's leftovers? eww. there were SEVERAL instances like that. she had her own apartment too, but everyone always came over to my place to hang out and she was simply jealous.

all the daycare kids are hanging out at your place and she's jealous!

needless to say - i'm not friends with the girl anymore. i was lying in bed one night when i heard her hitting on this guy while sitting on MY couch in MY house who had been trying to date me. the fact that i didn't want to date him and the fact that he told her, "no, i like her." didn't matter. it was the point that she was basically telling him, "i don't see why you want her instead of me" that made me flip out and i finally mentioned all fifty thousand times she'd done something similar which she thought i wasn't aware of. a friend who can't be trusted is NOT a friend!
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MamaBear 01:44 PM 05-03-2011
Originally Posted by Catherder:
I have found that the level of "Daycare Frienemy" drama is inversely related to the distance in miles to one another's Daycares.

Fewer Miles = More Drama

More Miles = Less Drama
Soooo true! haha
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grandmom 02:44 PM 05-03-2011
Hold your friends closely.
And your enemies more closely.

I wouldn't necessarily ignore her. Just don't confide in her. Share non-reportable stories, etc. But don't use her as a confidant.

Look at it this way. Once a family sees her program, they'll want to be on your waiting list.
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jen2651 03:19 PM 05-03-2011
I have never been in this situation with another provider, but I can say it is really sucky (sorry, the only word to describe it) when you think someone is your friend. I'm not sure about you guys, but I am a really outgoing person but let very few people into my inner circle. So I have lots of acquaintences but few friends. It seems as though it just hurts when that happens. You feel stupid, deceived, and worst of all, second guess your ability to read people. It especially stinks when there was someone else (dh) who 'knew' this all along!

I feel for you, and yes, I would too remove myself from this friendship...move her out of the inner circle to the outer...chit chat, but nothing more!
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gkids09 03:54 PM 05-03-2011
Originally Posted by Catherder:
I have found that the level of "Daycare Frienemy" drama is inversely related to the distance in miles to one another's Daycares.

Fewer Miles = More Drama

More Miles = Less Drama

TOTALLY agree with this!! Actually, I have a couple "friends" that I've met on here..We've exchanged email addresses and even have one's phone number, and we text sometimes, even though we're hundreds of miles away from each other.

It's nice to have someone who knows exactly what you're going through, but you know they aren't spreading rumors around about you because they don't live anywhere near you..

My great aunt is a daycare provider, and while we sort of talk about daycare, it's not something that is a normal topic of conversation. Basically, we're competing against each other for kids in the same county. She doesn't do the preschool aspect in her daycare because she takes infants too (I don't).

My grandmother has told me before that my great aunt was trying to raise her prices to match mine, but my great uncle told her she was dumb because I offer a lot more than she does!

Anyway, I definitely believe if there is someone on this forum that you like to read posts from, try PMing them and get their email address. Seriously, it's really nice to have someone "there" but not so close they try to run your business down!
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dEHmom 06:51 AM 05-04-2011
this reminds me of high school.

i remember best friends, would stop talking, because they all liked the same guy, and when the guy asked one of them out, the others getting mad because she "stole" him. As if the girl could control who the guy liked.

My friends always hated me
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Mike Lassiter 07:11 AM 05-04-2011
Someone I worked with years ago told me once: just because people know each other or work together DOESN'T make them friends. I know a lot of people, but I only have a few friends.
It struck me odd at first until I really thought on his words. Me too! People casually say friends for lack of better way of putting it. Listen, because I know you DOES NOT make you my friend! My childhood was screwed up compared to most peoples. It caused me to give trust slowly when it has been earned and withdraw it quickly if it ever was compromised.
If you ever "wronged" me you were off the buddy list. No second chances for most. If you betrayed me once you would do it again given the chance. With that said I may work with you or know you but that would be all. My circle is very small and for my own reasons. It's not that I don't want lots of friends; but rather I prefer to have a few GOOD ones. Those people that I can depend on to watch my back and count on me to watch theirs.
The person you mention here is certainly not a friend but a leach who is pretending to be a friend in hopes of gaining whatever she may from this "friendship". Not worthy of your trust IMO.
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nannyde 07:28 AM 05-04-2011
She's reminds me of a saying I once heard that went something like:

There are some "friends" who can be beside you or above you but never below you.
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texascare 07:49 AM 05-04-2011
I have found that is in this business providers can be very "cut throat". I had a situation happen to me that a parent interviewed with me and another provider in the same area and while the parent was at my house the other provider called her and offered her a lower rate and no deposit if she decided to go with her. She knew she was at my house interviewing because she went from her house to mine.(the parent told her too) Anyways, this provider in particular tried to under cut all the other providers in the area. It was horrible. I live by her for years. Thankfully I moved several years ago. I do have a friend who I talk to everyday and vent and talk about the business with, but she has never in 16 years done me wrong. I think we all need someone in the business that we can share things with and talk to because there is no one other than another childcare provider that can relate to us or understand us/our business like another childcare provider. With that being said you have to be careful who you can trust and who you can't.
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Tags:provider - friends, trust, trust - not
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