Default Style Register
Daycare.com Forum
Daycare Center and Family Home Forum>No Judgement Please, Just Advice/Thoughts
Frelly 07:17 AM 03-16-2016
I am a director of a large non profit childcare in a prominent community based organization in a at. I have been an Early Chilhood educator my entire professional life now for 30 years. I am a mom also. In my private life, I began dating a man (having not dated in over 17 years so I could concentrate on raising my daughter and my professional development) who was going through a divorce and accusations from adoptive daughter which ultimately led to 1 count felony of solicitations a minor and misdemeanor of corrupting a minor. I have read the police report. Currently, he resides in another town but we had purchased a home together last year which I have been residing in. My question is if he moves in, is this a reason my work can fire me over? Why would my personal life be works business? What if I believe in my gut that these charges against him are not all that they seem? How do I overcome people's fears/stigmas/dis crediting my credibility?
Reply
NightOwl 07:24 AM 03-16-2016
First, is this common knowledge about his conviction? Who knows about it already? If it gets out, I'm afraid your credibility could be seriously damaged. I believe the law in most states would prohibit him from being present in your center, but there's nothing illegal about him being part of your life. That's no one's business, but like I said, it could be quite damaging to your reputation if it became common knowledge.

That would be totally different if you were home based. You wouldn't be given a license. But you work in a center away from your home, so that's not an issue here.
Reply
Thriftylady 07:42 AM 03-16-2016
I don't see how it would affect you being able to work in a center. As PP stated, it would affect you being able to do childcare in the home he lived in. However, it could cause people to judge you. Right or wrong, people think they know everything. I am one who understands that there are different degrees of being on the sexual predator list. There are people on there who were 18 and were with a 16 yr old girlfriend and end up on the list. So that isn't as big of a deal as raping a child. I guess my question to you is did he plead guilty? If he did that would make me not want to be near him. But then again, I am not you, and I am not in the situation.
Reply
Frelly 07:57 AM 03-16-2016
No, he appealed. You'd have to know the history and context. His daughter is adopted with her twin brother from a Bulgarian orphanage. They were adopted at 3 years of age and lived in the orphanage for the first 3 years of there lives. His ex-wife he found out when all this came about was a rape victim by her brother. Nothing ever done nor did wife ever get help. There were intimacy issues in the marriage that he didn't understand until after the fact. He found out his daughter had read her mom's diaries and did not know what they contained until used in court. They contained all wife's trauma on being raped and wanting to kill herself. His lawyer unknown to him at the time was having his own issues and shortly after conviction was disenbarred and went to jail himself for embezzlement. I am an extremely cautious person and always trust my gut instinct and trust mine on him.
Reply
NightOwl 07:59 AM 03-16-2016
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
I don't see how it would affect you being able to work in a center. As PP stated, it would affect you being able to do childcare in the home he lived in. However, it could cause people to judge you. Right or wrong, people think they know everything. I am one who understands that there are different degrees of being on the sexual predator list. There are people on there who were 18 and were with a 16 yr old girlfriend and end up on the list. So that isn't as big of a deal as raping a child. I guess my question to you is did he plead guilty? If he did that would make me not want to be near him. But then again, I am not you, and I am not in the situation.
Thrifty I feel like you and I share a brain sometimes. We always seem to agree. If he plead guilty, I would think that would be significantly more ammo for others to judge you with.
Reply
NightOwl 08:01 AM 03-16-2016
Originally Posted by Frelly:
No, he appealed. You'd have to know the history and context. His daughter is adopted with her twin brother from a Bulgarian orphanage. They were adopted at 3 years of age and lived in the orphanage for the first 3 years of there lives. His ex-wife he found out when all this came about was a rape victim by her brother. Nothing ever done nor did wife ever get help. There were intimacy issues in the marriage that he didn't understand until after the fact. He found out his daughter had read her mom's diaries and did not know what they contained until used in court. They contained all wife's trauma on being raped and wanting to kill herself. His lawyer unknown to him at the time was having his own issues and shortly after conviction was disenbarred and went to jail himself for embezzlement. I am an extremely cautious person and always trust my gut instinct and trust mine on him.
So what, exactly, was he accused of? Did he do time?
Reply
Leigh 08:02 AM 03-16-2016
Originally Posted by Frelly:
No, he appealed. You'd have to know the history and context. His daughter is adopted with her twin brother from a Bulgarian orphanage. They were adopted at 3 years of age and lived in the orphanage for the first 3 years of there lives. His ex-wife he found out when all this came about was a rape victim by her brother. Nothing ever done nor did wife ever get help. There were intimacy issues in the marriage that he didn't understand until after the fact. He found out his daughter had read her mom's diaries and did not know what they contained until used in court. They contained all wife's trauma on being raped and wanting to kill herself. His lawyer unknown to him at the time was having his own issues and shortly after conviction was disenbarred and went to jail himself for embezzlement. I am an extremely cautious person and always trust my gut instinct and trust mine on him.
My first thought was "does his daughter have Reactive Attachment Disorder?". Those kinds of accusations are classic with them, and used maliciously against parents to try to get their way. If the child has a psychological diagnosis like that, getting that conviction vacated could happen if he found a good psychiatrist who is familiar with RAD. These kids can destroy families-they don't want to bond with anyone because they're trying to protect themselves, and destroy their own lives and those who love them, too.
Reply
lovemykidstoo 08:09 AM 03-16-2016
Originally Posted by NightOwl:
So what, exactly, was he accused of? Did he do time?
This was my questions. Also, how long ago was it? Would you get people that judged you? Absolutely, but who cares. I don't think your employer can do anything to you though.
Reply
Frelly 08:22 AM 03-16-2016
He did 3 months and is on probation for 5 years. He is accused of showing her how to masterbate with shower head. At 8 she asked about why shower head on massage and he told her that it's used to spray on parts of body and makes it feel good. Weeks later she came to him and asked if ok cause it felt good down there and he, rather than referring her to go tomorrow, said well if it feels good then it's ok. It bit him in the butt when she was 15 and wife and he going through marital issues with his Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy. He can appeal and his current lawyer says it could most likely be appealed but it's a money ($$$$$)issue now and it is very hard, once convicted to turn it around.
Reply
lovemykidstoo 08:29 AM 03-16-2016
Originally Posted by Frelly:
He did 3 months and is on probation for 5 years. He is accused of showing her how to masterbate with shower head. At 8 she asked about why shower head on massage and he told her that it's used to spray on parts of body and makes it feel good. Weeks later she came to him and asked if ok cause it felt good down there and he, rather than referring her to go tomorrow, said well if it feels good then it's ok. It bit him in the butt when she was 15 and wife and he going through marital issues with his Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy. He can appeal and his current lawyer says it could most likely be appealed but it's a money ($$$$$)issue now and it is very hard, once convicted to turn it around.
When you say "showing her how to masterbute" what do you mean exactly. That would mean alot. I mean if he actually showed her how, then I would run fast seriously. Even telling her is a little different I think and I'm sorry to say that but that's kinda a question that you may want to say that it makes sore muscles feel better or something. When is his probation up? So this was recent if his probation is 5 years and it's still ongoing.
Reply
Ariana 08:53 AM 03-16-2016
Why would anyone tell an 8 year old that a shower head is used to spray on certain body parts to make it feel good?! I just told my 6 year old that a handheld shower head is for washing your hair...which it is...why on earth would I say anything different?

I know you didn't want judgement but are you serious with this? Has he been put on a sex offenders list? If he was then I would not have anything to do with this relationship seeing as I have a career in childcare. The ramifications could be dire for you.
Reply
Thriftylady 09:12 AM 03-16-2016
I would have some issue with what he told her also. Maybe he didn't mean it that way, but it is sure how it sounds. I am not trying to judge you, but I would always wonder, and that would make me run. All I can do is tell you what I would do. My other question is why did you buy a house together a year ago and didn't move in together? I personally think if I am going to commit to buying a house with someone, it would be to live in that house with them. I darn sure wouldn't be waiting around for a year to that to happen. But that is just me.
Reply
NillaWafers 10:01 AM 03-16-2016
Originally Posted by Frelly:
He did 3 months and is on probation for 5 years. He is accused of showing her how to masterbate with shower head. At 8 she asked about why shower head on massage and he told her that it's used to spray on parts of body and makes it feel good. Weeks later she came to him and asked if ok cause it felt good down there and he, rather than referring her to go tomorrow, said well if it feels good then it's ok. It bit him in the butt when she was 15 and wife and he going through marital issues with his Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy. He can appeal and his current lawyer says it could most likely be appealed but it's a money ($$$$$)issue now and it is very hard, once convicted to turn it around.
Why would someone tell a 6-year-old that?! I'm sorry but run for the hills. A shower head isn't intended for that use, so why would a man tell a 6-year-old girl those things? Even if nothing happened, I would be really uncomfortable. That's not even taking into account that this could possibly come back to me and reflect badly on my own character. Maybe you really like this guy, but I don't think the risk is worth it.
Reply
Play Care 10:56 AM 03-16-2016
Admittedly I'm usually one to give the benefit of the doubt, as I am all too familiar with the failings of our justice system.

But...
I do think it will refelect badly on your character. Could they fire you for that? Maybe not, but they can let you go and use other reasons. I would be prepared for that.

And no judgment, but do you really think telling a young child using a shower head to make body parts feel good is okay? Ask yourself, would that be something you would be perfectly fine with another adult telling your child or grandchild?
Has he mentioned context?
It seems odd that he would purchase a house with you while saying he's saving money to mount an appeal.

I've known people in my life who are very good at saying what they think you want to hear, and it's only after a long while do you realize that things don't quite add up. I hope that's not the case here.
Reply
MunchkinWrangler 10:57 AM 03-16-2016
In your position, you should be weary of men and anyone with a history of abusing children, especially since he was convicted and on probation. Sexual offenders like this prey on this profession. I would be weary. He could very well be with you because of what you do for a living. I would never be interested in someone with a history like this, because I have my own child. And I really don't care if it's 'misunderstood', the truth of the matter is you'll never know what really happened. Never. No man is worth it. I don't care who they are. Period. I'm sorry but to ask for no judgement coming from people who's primary job is to protect the children in their care is asking a lot. What do you think we'll say?
Reply
Blackcat31 11:09 AM 03-16-2016
Originally Posted by Frelly:
I am a director of a large non profit childcare in a prominent community based organization in a at. I have been an Early Chilhood educator my entire professional life now for 30 years. I am a mom also. In my private life, I began dating a man (having not dated in over 17 years so I could concentrate on raising my daughter and my professional development) who was going through a divorce and accusations from adoptive daughter which ultimately led to 1 count felony of solicitations a minor and misdemeanor of corrupting a minor. I have read the police report. Currently, he resides in another town but we had purchased a home together last year which I have been residing in. My question is if he moves in, is this a reason my work can fire me over? Why would my personal life be works business? What if I believe in my gut that these charges against him are not all that they seem? How do I overcome people's fears/stigmas/dis crediting my credibility?
Originally Posted by Frelly:
No, he appealed. You'd have to know the history and context. His daughter is adopted with her twin brother from a Bulgarian orphanage. They were adopted at 3 years of age and lived in the orphanage for the first 3 years of there lives. His ex-wife he found out when all this came about was a rape victim by her brother. Nothing ever done nor did wife ever get help. There were intimacy issues in the marriage that he didn't understand until after the fact. He found out his daughter had read her mom's diaries and did not know what they contained until used in court. They contained all wife's trauma on being raped and wanting to kill herself. His lawyer unknown to him at the time was having his own issues and shortly after conviction was disenbarred and went to jail himself for embezzlement. I am an extremely cautious person and always trust my gut instinct and trust mine on him.
Originally Posted by Frelly:
He did 3 months and is on probation for 5 years. He is accused of showing her how to masterbate with shower head. At 8 she asked about why shower head on massage and he told her that it's used to spray on parts of body and makes it feel good. Weeks later she came to him and asked if ok cause it felt good down there and he, rather than referring her to go tomorrow, said well if it feels good then it's ok. It bit him in the butt when she was 15 and wife and he going through marital issues with his Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy. He can appeal and his current lawyer says it could most likely be appealed but it's a money ($$$$$)issue now and it is very hard, once convicted to turn it around.
First off, you work in a center.

Your personal/private life is exactly that. Personal and private. (I'm having a hard time understanding why you are even telling anyone this info....)

How you conduct your job (as long as you are not breaking the law) you have every right to feel as safe/secure in your position as anyone else.

Unless your job or employer has specific policies in regards to what you do or don't do in your private life (including the people you live/socialize with) I would not worry about any of this effecting your job.

I would not allow your significant other to be present on the child care property simply because it's not really necessary and because you know that he may be legally barred from doing so but honestly I see no reason why he would even need to be so to me it's a moot point.

I know a ton of people with a shady past or that have partners/spouses/significant others that aren't fine upstanding citizen's but none of that affects their job performance or position (unless outlined by a specific employer law or policy).


Reply
NightOwl 04:25 PM 03-16-2016
This is true, but it is, unfortunately, slightly different for us. Is that fair? Maybe not. But that's just how it is. Her personal/private life IS personal/private, but his conviction is public record. That's my concern. She doesn't have to tell anybody about his conviction, but anyone could find out about it in a 2 minute public records search on google. And then she would probably be ruined.
Reply
NightOwl 04:34 PM 03-16-2016
And to op, YOU are taking the risk here, not him. By being with him, you are risking your career, you're livelihood, everything you've worked for. So if this all hits the fan at some point, and it likely will, you can only blame yourself.

You're personal life is none of anyone's business, but you know how people are. If someone finds out, it'll spread like wild fire.
Reply
EntropyControlSpecialist 04:43 PM 03-16-2016
Originally Posted by Frelly:
No, he appealed. You'd have to know the history and context. His daughter is adopted with her twin brother from a Bulgarian orphanage. They were adopted at 3 years of age and lived in the orphanage for the first 3 years of there lives. His ex-wife he found out when all this came about was a rape victim by her brother. Nothing ever done nor did wife ever get help. There were intimacy issues in the marriage that he didn't understand until after the fact. He found out his daughter had read her mom's diaries and did not know what they contained until used in court. They contained all wife's trauma on being raped and wanting to kill herself. His lawyer unknown to him at the time was having his own issues and shortly after conviction was disenbarred and went to jail himself for embezzlement. I am an extremely cautious person and always trust my gut instinct and trust mine on him.
I believe it. Reactive attachment disorder is a scary thing and why many of us adoptive moms keep journals on what is happening in case we ever have to go to court (although, mine doesn't have RAD...just regular attachment, trauma, and mental issues). Any who, I believe you.

This wouldn't effect your job in any way.
Reply
Play Care 06:30 AM 03-17-2016
Originally Posted by NightOwl:
And to op, YOU are taking the risk here, not him. By being with him, you are risking your career, you're livelihood, everything you've worked for. So if this all hits the fan at some point, and it likely will, you can only blame yourself.

You're personal life is none of anyone's business, but you know how people are. If someone finds out, it'll spread like wild fire.
This. I can see a vindictive ex spouse happening to make a phone call to OP's workplace because she's sooooo concerned

It could be a stretch and maybe no one will ever find out, but isn't most of our job preparing for and trying to head off any potential liability?
Reply
Thriftylady 07:32 AM 03-17-2016
Originally Posted by Frelly:
No, he appealed. You'd have to know the history and context. His daughter is adopted with her twin brother from a Bulgarian orphanage. They were adopted at 3 years of age and lived in the orphanage for the first 3 years of there lives. His ex-wife he found out when all this came about was a rape victim by her brother. Nothing ever done nor did wife ever get help. There were intimacy issues in the marriage that he didn't understand until after the fact. He found out his daughter had read her mom's diaries and did not know what they contained until used in court. They contained all wife's trauma on being raped and wanting to kill herself. His lawyer unknown to him at the time was having his own issues and shortly after conviction was disenbarred and went to jail himself for embezzlement. I am an extremely cautious person and always trust my gut instinct and trust mine on him.

While I feel there is a 50/50 shot he did nothing wrong I can't get over what he says he told her. I can't imagine telling a child that a shower head is for making body parts feel good. No, I don't know the context and it is just me. I also have an experience with something like this that makes me err on the side of caution. My ex SIL divorce her husband to marry a man who was in the minimum correction facility that she was in charge of housekeeping for. He was in for child molestation. She believed he was falsly accused and even had her children convinced. They ranged from 12 or so to 16ish at the time. Why they were brought into the conversation I don't know. She married him, and later found out he was doing things to her youngest (the girl). So much for being falsely accused. I really felt like she took a huge risk bringing him into her house, and it was partially her fault.

So maybe he didn't do anything wrong, but no way would I take the chance he was lying to me. I still can't get over the "we bought a house together and aren't living together". That would also make me feel like he had something to hide.

No, it shouldn't affect your job at all, but we all know that things that shouldn't happen do every day. After all, that is how he got into this situation regardless of what happened, something rather it be a lie, or he really did something, happened that shouldn't have. All it would take is one person who wanted to cause drama for you to have an issue. Is that right? Nope! But could it happen? It could.
Reply
MunchkinWrangler 08:51 AM 03-17-2016
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
While I feel there is a 50/50 shot he did nothing wrong I can't get over what he says he told her. I can't imagine telling a child that a shower head is for making body parts feel good. No, I don't know the context and it is just me. I also have an experience with something like this that makes me err on the side of caution. My ex SIL divorce her husband to marry a man who was in the minimum correction facility that she was in charge of housekeeping for. He was in for child molestation. She believed he was falsly accused and even had her children convinced. They ranged from 12 or so to 16ish at the time. Why they were brought into the conversation I don't know. She married him, and later found out he was doing things to her youngest (the girl). So much for being falsely accused. I really felt like she took a huge risk bringing him into her house, and it was partially her fault.

So maybe he didn't do anything wrong, but no way would I take the chance he was lying to me. I still can't get over the "we bought a house together and aren't living together". That would also make me feel like he had something to hide.

No, it shouldn't affect your job at all, but we all know that things that shouldn't happen do every day. After all, that is how he got into this situation regardless of what happened, something rather it be a lie, or he really did something, happened that shouldn't have. All it would take is one person who wanted to cause drama for you to have an issue. Is that right? Nope! But could it happen? It could.
Absolutely! And he was convicted and served time, so how is he innocent? He was proven guilty in a court of law. I understand there are people who are wrongly convicted but it does not happen all the time. Where there's smoke there's fire.
Reply
Silly Songs 10:32 AM 03-17-2016
Maybe the issue with the job situation is that it is a non profit. Perhaps she signed something prior to employment stating she has no relationship with anyone with a criminal background. I don't know, I'm just pointing out possibilities.
Reply
Thriftylady 10:47 AM 03-17-2016
Originally Posted by Silly Songs:
Maybe the issue with the job situation is that it is a non profit. Perhaps she signed something prior to employment stating she has no relationship with anyone with a criminal background. I don't know, I'm just pointing out possibilities.
Well I know some jobs have a clause like that. I know a gal who is an accountant and the company she works at does government contracts with whatever they make or whatever. So she has a clause like that. I wouldn't think a center would, but I guess the center can make whatever rule they wanted.
Reply
NightOwl 04:18 PM 03-17-2016
Did we scare her off? I don't think anyone said anything ugly, just honest opinions. And she never explained the whole buying a house but not living together thing, did she?
Reply
LysesKids 04:35 PM 03-17-2016
Originally Posted by NightOwl:
Did we scare her off? I don't think anyone said anything ugly, just honest opinions. And she never explained the whole buying a house but not living together thing, did she?
Nope, she never explained it, but I'm thinking The fact a lot of us were saying it wasn't the ideal situation especially since he was convicted sort of didn't sit well with her. I know he wouldn't be around me for any reason... maybe she was hoping to get different answers than what she did.
Reply
Thriftylady 04:37 PM 03-17-2016
Originally Posted by LysesKids:
Nope, she never explained it, but I'm thinking The fact a lot of us were saying it wasn't the ideal situation especially since he was convicted sort of didn't sit well with her. I know he wouldn't be around me for any reason... maybe she was hoping to get different answers than what she did.
This is probably the case. Sometimes people don't really want to hear honest opinions, especially if they fear they may be true. I hope the best for the OP, but I would be running far and fast.
Reply
NightOwl 04:44 PM 03-17-2016
Yeah I guess she was looking for validation that she didn't get.
Reply
lovemykidstoo 06:41 PM 03-17-2016
Maybe someone messing with us? Only 3 posts all ofwhich are in this thread.
Reply
MunchkinWrangler 07:57 PM 03-17-2016
I started thinking troll, simply because some of the story just didn't add up or make sense. Buying a house together that only OP is living in? Wanting to appeal even though the sentence has already been carried out, which would be an expungement not an appeal, in which case any sexual offense can't be anyway.... anyhoo
Reply
Alisyn 08:03 PM 03-17-2016
Originally Posted by Thriftylady:
This is probably the case. Sometimes people don't really want to hear honest opinions, especially if they fear they may be true. I hope the best for the OP, but I would be running far and fast.
Yes, I very much agree with you, far and fast.
Reply
Josiegirl 03:39 AM 03-18-2016
Could be she regrets telling more of the story. I'm not sure what she wanted in forms of reply but IMO she's playing with fire.
Reply
VWMom 07:06 AM 03-18-2016
Your headline states no judgement, but, guess what?--your life will be filled with it because you have chosen for it to be. People will constantly scrutinize you from the moment they find out, onward. Truth be told, family and friends already are? Is this guy, and the possibility that is exactly what the courts say he is, worth it?
Reply
Hunni Bee 07:23 AM 03-18-2016
I'm not sure what she was looking for. Assurance that it wouldn't affect her job? I think she got that.

BUT. Someone I used to date, their mother was is a social worker. Her son, who has a few misdemeanors on his record, lives with her off and on. She told me that she's lost or been looked over for a couple jobs because she had to list everyone who lived in her home, and his record came back.

I don't know if it's different because as a case worker, she drives clients around in her personal car, etc...but I don't know.

But anyway, if she was looking for someone to say that the situation was okay...I don't think she'll find that on a forum filled with mothers and childcare providers.
Reply
NightOwl 09:03 AM 03-18-2016
Trolls usually try to start arguments though, right? There's no argument here. I think we're all in agreement.
Reply
Unregistered 05:27 PM 03-19-2016
I urge you, op, to rethink this relationship. How can you trust a man who basically told you he at least verbally, had some truth to the allegations made against me.


When my own kid asked me what a shower was for:
"To wash your body" was my answer. Nothing else fits! No one would say what this bf unless something was off bc that simply is not a normal repsonse.

Something is off and I think you feel that it is off yourself...otherwise, why be afraid of job loss or judgment?

Usually, these questions indicate you feel a red flag and you want to see if your gut is right.

You know what u need to do.

So do it.
Reply
Unregistered 05:29 PM 03-19-2016
Originally Posted by Unregistered:
I urge you, op, to rethink this relationship. How can you trust a man who basically told you he at least verbally, had some truth to the allegations made against me.


When my own kid asked me what a shower was for:
"To wash your body" was my answer. Nothing else fits! No one would say what this bf unless something was off bc that simply is not a normal repsonse.

Something is off and I think you feel that it is off yourself...otherwise, why be afraid of job loss or judgment?

Usually, these questions indicate you feel a red flag and you want to see if your gut is right.

You know what u need to do.

So do it.

Meant to quote "truth to allegations made against me" sorry.
Reply
Tags:felony, trust
Reply Up